gardening...warring...birthing

Hi Maggie,

How are you? Feeling any better- both physically and psychologically?

I have been having my ups and downs. Yesterday the internet and phone lines went down before I finished my reports for work.  I called the company and they said it might be the next morning before they got out here. That would mean I would miss work.  I pulled my desk away from the wall, and swept all the things that hide there out into the middle of the room-just in case.  I heard a car door...looked out the window and saw my ex standing in my driveway. The words that mumbled and muttered out of my mouth were not nice...I took a breath, fixed a smile, and I went to greet him and he asked if I had received his email...

He wanted to wait for our oldest to be done with work, and so he decided to come see whichever grandchildren I might have with me.  So we took him down through the woods, to the creek. I knew she would get excited and he would see the best of her. 

They got the internet fixed.  I checked his email. One sentence - do you have both of the grandkids today?  He came back later, with our oldest - and I asked him if there was a secret message there I was supposed to understand...

Some afternoon...

Then last evening I called my daughter-in-law to see when she was available for a June birthday girl cluster birthday. We have four birthdays between June 4 and June 13, followed closely by my oldest grandson on June 17. My daughter-in-law said she would prefer not to do that this year. My youngest son's girlfriend has a heavy work schedule and asked me not to schedule around her. I was feeling a bit dejected and rejected and out of the loop - wondering if I was the only one who enjoyed the dinners and if I was inflicting them on everyone.

Still wondering...

Some days I feel clueless, and I like I get everything wrong...I feel like I try so hard not to be my mother-in-law, that I go way too far in the other direction...and it is a mistake...

My daughter-in-law popped up for a few minutes to drop off garden excess...(she is one of the most amazing gardeners ever)...I tried to explain my fears, and she says I don't seem behave or appear to be what I think I seem to be...And when I asked my youngest son's girlfriend if they wanted to come to dinner another time...she said they would love to...so maybe I am beating myself up...

I almost have the veggie garden in. I think I'm actually going to have a garden this year. I bought a small wading pool, and we made a toddler beach near the garden, and so she is entertained playing with water, while I get stuff done.

Talking with my oldest, we're thinking about how I am going to support her when hers is born...Being important to these grandchildren is beyond important to me.

I have been watching a documentary series about the castles of Ireland.  In the first episode, they explained that all the castles were from one set of guys - the Normans.  These are the soldiers who came to the Isles with William the Conqueror...our ancestor was one of them. About 100 years after the Conqueror, their descendants invaded Ireland, attacking Viking strongholds, and also massacring the Irish.  These are three of our lines...

I was thinking about all of this generational warring existing inside of us. No wonder we are so screwed up!

It has been fascinating so far. They tell a story, and I relate it to some of the stories I have heard from family members no longer with us.

So tolday is my girl day. Both of my daughters were born today. My daughter-in-lawhugged me and said, "Happy Birthing Day."\
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That's always been my line!

Love and hugs from Clare