Hi Maggie,
My old dog seems to be off. She got me up at 3:30 to take her out, after which she sort of paced and wandered until 5:00, when I got up. I never went back to sleep, because I was waiting to see if she wanted something,or to see if she cried or whined or whimpered- something. But she seemed calm. Once I was up, she slept. She also made three puddles before 3:30. This is something new...
While I was up in the middle of the night, I was trying to go back to sweet memories. I know they are there. But I think my mind needs to be a little more rested...
A lot of my sweet memories seem to be during the years Dad was gone...I'll have to work on that!
I saw a video today of a young woman comedian who appears in stilettos, a bra and a denim jacket. She does all rape jokes. But none of the jokes are at the expense of the victim. She points out that it does not take a short skirt, alcohol, flirtiness to cause rape. All it takes is a rapist who feels he has the right to assault a woman.
I was reading something else about being raped. Basically, stop using passive voice. Instead of I was raped, the statement should be: Someone raped me. Someone felt he had the right to rape me.
It bled into another statement I saw written the way we see it, say it, then rewritten to encompass the truth. What we hear, what we say is that They are stealing our jobs. (They are Mexican or Muslim, whoever we are being primed to hate and fear this week.) In truth, look at the business owner who fired you so he could exploit someone else at an even cheaper price.
I have long said there is power in what we say, in the words we choose. Now I am seeing it unfold a little more. I need to think about the whole of what I am saying in order to speak truth, then maybe someday speak truth to power.
I watched another video of a group of young black men dressed as women, ready to dance in a parade. The police told them they could not be part of the parade, so the young men joined hands and danced down the sidewalk, following their band. People booed, and told them they were disgusting. They looked uncomfortable, sad, maybe a little frightened, but they wanted to dance, and so they danced. Afterwards, several people came up to them and said the others did not have the right to treat them that way. A young girl came up crying, and said she thought they had the right to dance. It was really beautiful to see the support, but I was thinking about what I would like to do if I ever witness something like this.
I don't think very fast in the moment, so I need to think things out beforehand. And it came to me. The best thing I could have done was take the hand of the last man, and joined them, publicly. I think if one person does it, others will be brave enough to join, and then it becomes fun.
I hope I remember this. Just join in and make it okay, or at least publicly announce that not everyone is appalled.
Random thoughts...
Hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
sweetness
Hi Maggie,
I was surprised. Mom called me yesterday to talk about Dad. We moved from phone to Skype, and the conversation became toddler dominated. The toddler was being cute.
I think Mom needs support. I think she needs us to reach out to her.
I talked to all of my kids...well, 4 talks, 1 email, and let them know they might want to go visit.
I read an article yesterday, before I got the news...synchronicity...that made me cry. I am attaching it here...I sent a link to S#3. She called just after I read it, and I was still a little weepy.
http://www.nextavenue.org/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-dying/
The article talks about our fantasies of making peace, of pulling out the old wounds, of expecting apologies and breakthroughs. I know that is not going to happen. But the article then talks about sharing what we appreciate about someone. About making the last words kind, not something we will regret.
I think it is the piece I needed. I know I wrote sometime earlier this month that I wasn't sure what I wanted, well except apologies and love and acceptance from him, which was not based in reality. I didn't know exactly what I needed to exchange with Dad at the end.
Now I know it is kindness.
I am going to try to remember the sweet times and let him know I appreciate them. I remember. He didn't talk to me for about 5 years after I wrote to Mom - at her request- and talked about the effects on us of his meanness. Well, the story always has two sides.
So let's think about the sweet side and get tender towards each other.
My neighbor made a prediction. She said there was going to be a gathering, no children - all adults. There will be healing. She also said we should try to visit before the end of summer...don't wait until fall.
I found it interesting that Mom said Dad would do surgery, radiation and chemo. He was willing to fight. He was glad when they said he could fight. Then S#5 said he will refuse chemo. The Delana drama begins anew!
I know gem elixirs. I made a few when I was making a lot of flower essences. Someone I knew then made them. We were working with them one day, and I felt drunk. We all have different modalities that work with us. The essences/elixirs resound with me. Powerfully. I have a book here that talks about the gems and crystals and their effects. I'll share it with you when you visit. You can see if you would like to borrow it.
I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your foster-son. I always found driving was a great time to communicate with the boys. The girls prefer sitting face-to-face, and talking. The boys panic. They prefer to be side-by-side, doing something. Then they open up.
And always trust your intuition.Don;t let anyone silence you...especially yourself!
I have been having long days at work followed by long times with my granddaughter followed by still needing to write reports, almost until bedtime. I am dragging...S#5 and her crew will be here this weekend. I have a three-day weekend. I hope that helps.
Love and hugs from Clare
I was surprised. Mom called me yesterday to talk about Dad. We moved from phone to Skype, and the conversation became toddler dominated. The toddler was being cute.
I think Mom needs support. I think she needs us to reach out to her.
I talked to all of my kids...well, 4 talks, 1 email, and let them know they might want to go visit.
I read an article yesterday, before I got the news...synchronicity...that made me cry. I am attaching it here...I sent a link to S#3. She called just after I read it, and I was still a little weepy.
http://www.nextavenue.org/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-dying/
The article talks about our fantasies of making peace, of pulling out the old wounds, of expecting apologies and breakthroughs. I know that is not going to happen. But the article then talks about sharing what we appreciate about someone. About making the last words kind, not something we will regret.
I think it is the piece I needed. I know I wrote sometime earlier this month that I wasn't sure what I wanted, well except apologies and love and acceptance from him, which was not based in reality. I didn't know exactly what I needed to exchange with Dad at the end.
Now I know it is kindness.
I am going to try to remember the sweet times and let him know I appreciate them. I remember. He didn't talk to me for about 5 years after I wrote to Mom - at her request- and talked about the effects on us of his meanness. Well, the story always has two sides.
So let's think about the sweet side and get tender towards each other.
My neighbor made a prediction. She said there was going to be a gathering, no children - all adults. There will be healing. She also said we should try to visit before the end of summer...don't wait until fall.
I found it interesting that Mom said Dad would do surgery, radiation and chemo. He was willing to fight. He was glad when they said he could fight. Then S#5 said he will refuse chemo. The Delana drama begins anew!
I know gem elixirs. I made a few when I was making a lot of flower essences. Someone I knew then made them. We were working with them one day, and I felt drunk. We all have different modalities that work with us. The essences/elixirs resound with me. Powerfully. I have a book here that talks about the gems and crystals and their effects. I'll share it with you when you visit. You can see if you would like to borrow it.
I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your foster-son. I always found driving was a great time to communicate with the boys. The girls prefer sitting face-to-face, and talking. The boys panic. They prefer to be side-by-side, doing something. Then they open up.
And always trust your intuition.Don;t let anyone silence you...especially yourself!
I have been having long days at work followed by long times with my granddaughter followed by still needing to write reports, almost until bedtime. I am dragging...S#5 and her crew will be here this weekend. I have a three-day weekend. I hope that helps.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
clarity
Clare,
Thanks for the sounding board…
my emotions are real and valid…
but sometimes they seem less important when I hear the reflected back to me.
No I did not warn everyone that I wanted a celebration…
but I want someone to acknowledge my journey.
I guess I thought husband would mention something…
last year I mentioned on the 25th that it was my 1 year anniversary,
he corrected me that the date was actually the 26th.
I guess I want to be special…
everyone wants to feel special.
I spent hours with my young man today…
driving to and from a doctor's appointment.
He was able to discuss many frustrations.
I was able to share some observations and frustrations too.
He feels we are trying to control him too much when it comes to relationships (with dad) and spending his money. We have asked him to wait at least one week before making any major purchase…
he wants a tablet with a keyboard…
he's changed his mind 3 times about which one he wants…
tomorrow is the day he can order it…
he wants to be able to spend his earnings any way he wants to.
I explained that when husband and I agreed to welcome him into our family that meant more than food/clothing/shelter…
it's a package of discipline and lessons about living a life…
a life within our means…
setting priorities and triaging choices.
He seems to understand, but still doesn't like it.
I explained that the dad stuff is on hold until I get clarification from the CYS worker about the rules…
then we will address that subject.
I went to a crystals workshop last night. I can feel vibrational energy from some of them…
but I don't get really excited about them. My friends were taking notes and asking questions…
I don't really get it.
The teacher had one interesting idea though. She soaks her crystals in essential oils or 'florida water' and makes 'gem elixirs' that carry the properties of the crystals. She compared it to flowers essences…
you might understand that better than I do.
So Papa Delana has an aggressive bladder tumor…
not sure of the depth of invasion at this point.
I'm assuming that S#5 conveyed this info to you.
I'm not surprised he's refusing chemo…
he doesn't do well with discomfort and stress.
I think he'll have surgery for Mama Delana's sake…
but I am not optimistic about this.
I have to find out more about the tumor type from S#5.
It will be insightful to see how we all move through this.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thanks for the sounding board…
my emotions are real and valid…
but sometimes they seem less important when I hear the reflected back to me.
No I did not warn everyone that I wanted a celebration…
but I want someone to acknowledge my journey.
I guess I thought husband would mention something…
last year I mentioned on the 25th that it was my 1 year anniversary,
he corrected me that the date was actually the 26th.
I guess I want to be special…
everyone wants to feel special.
I spent hours with my young man today…
driving to and from a doctor's appointment.
He was able to discuss many frustrations.
I was able to share some observations and frustrations too.
He feels we are trying to control him too much when it comes to relationships (with dad) and spending his money. We have asked him to wait at least one week before making any major purchase…
he wants a tablet with a keyboard…
he's changed his mind 3 times about which one he wants…
tomorrow is the day he can order it…
he wants to be able to spend his earnings any way he wants to.
I explained that when husband and I agreed to welcome him into our family that meant more than food/clothing/shelter…
it's a package of discipline and lessons about living a life…
a life within our means…
setting priorities and triaging choices.
He seems to understand, but still doesn't like it.
I explained that the dad stuff is on hold until I get clarification from the CYS worker about the rules…
then we will address that subject.
I went to a crystals workshop last night. I can feel vibrational energy from some of them…
but I don't get really excited about them. My friends were taking notes and asking questions…
I don't really get it.
The teacher had one interesting idea though. She soaks her crystals in essential oils or 'florida water' and makes 'gem elixirs' that carry the properties of the crystals. She compared it to flowers essences…
you might understand that better than I do.
So Papa Delana has an aggressive bladder tumor…
not sure of the depth of invasion at this point.
I'm assuming that S#5 conveyed this info to you.
I'm not surprised he's refusing chemo…
he doesn't do well with discomfort and stress.
I think he'll have surgery for Mama Delana's sake…
but I am not optimistic about this.
I have to find out more about the tumor type from S#5.
It will be insightful to see how we all move through this.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, June 27, 2016
soaps
Hi Maggie,
If you want people to celebrate your Survivor Day, and as it should be, and you want it to be a family holiday, then write it real big, in red, and with glitter, and add some butterfly stickers on June 26 of the calendar every single year. Did you remind anyone/everyone beforehand, or did you just expect them to remember? Even the best of us forget birthdays and anniversaries if it's not written down.
And make it a Facebook date to remember, too.
Get in our faces and remind us that this day is important to you, therefore to us!
Lead the way. I was wondering if there are any Hooray you survived cards...maybe we should start a line!! We should be celebrating everything. Like maybe, cards to leave with the zucchini we leave on the neighbor's porch. We can use the proceeds to support your healing center.
Check on the legality of unsupervised visits. Let your foster-son know this is threatening the situation. I can understand your feeling betrayed. It is hard to tell if Dad's visit was a surprise or not. It is also hard to tell why his dad suddenly wants to see him. His motives may not be paternal.
Maybe call the father out. Be transparent. Make sure he knows what the situation is. Make sure he knows that you know what the situation is. No drama. No threats. Just a simple story. And make sure Dad knows you will not bar him from seeing his son and having a relationship. Don't give him any room to be uncomfortable or complaining.
I really like the idea of being so transparent that no one can do anything underhanded. No one can manipulate your boy...
Patience, trust, open-heart, and transparency. Soap operas thrive on secrecy and manipulations. Let's not live that life!
I saw a quote recently. Two angels were talking, apparently about to incarnate. One said they could not wait to sit on the couch and watch soap operas. We are not here to waste time, nor are we here to do drama.
I Quakered all day yesterday. I visited a meeting as a part of a larger committee. I got to see the insides of a meeting, which makes me understand my own better.
I got definite message that we are getting old and drying up, but we can reverse that by playing. It was a fun message, and I tried on lots of different ways of playing.
And I got to share lunch with a British Friend, who was absolutely European and really wondering about the vote. He said he voted to stay. He talked about their political process and then two of the leaders, and told us who to watch out for...He also has no idea what will happen now, and is just watching...
I didn't get any walks in today. Instead I spent my time doing the most dread, most disgusting of all chores...I cleaned the refrigerator.
So that is done...for now.
All is quiet, and settled for right now.
Maybe we'll get a few days!
Love and hugs from Clare
If you want people to celebrate your Survivor Day, and as it should be, and you want it to be a family holiday, then write it real big, in red, and with glitter, and add some butterfly stickers on June 26 of the calendar every single year. Did you remind anyone/everyone beforehand, or did you just expect them to remember? Even the best of us forget birthdays and anniversaries if it's not written down.
And make it a Facebook date to remember, too.
Get in our faces and remind us that this day is important to you, therefore to us!
Lead the way. I was wondering if there are any Hooray you survived cards...maybe we should start a line!! We should be celebrating everything. Like maybe, cards to leave with the zucchini we leave on the neighbor's porch. We can use the proceeds to support your healing center.
Check on the legality of unsupervised visits. Let your foster-son know this is threatening the situation. I can understand your feeling betrayed. It is hard to tell if Dad's visit was a surprise or not. It is also hard to tell why his dad suddenly wants to see him. His motives may not be paternal.
Maybe call the father out. Be transparent. Make sure he knows what the situation is. Make sure he knows that you know what the situation is. No drama. No threats. Just a simple story. And make sure Dad knows you will not bar him from seeing his son and having a relationship. Don't give him any room to be uncomfortable or complaining.
I really like the idea of being so transparent that no one can do anything underhanded. No one can manipulate your boy...
Patience, trust, open-heart, and transparency. Soap operas thrive on secrecy and manipulations. Let's not live that life!
I saw a quote recently. Two angels were talking, apparently about to incarnate. One said they could not wait to sit on the couch and watch soap operas. We are not here to waste time, nor are we here to do drama.
I Quakered all day yesterday. I visited a meeting as a part of a larger committee. I got to see the insides of a meeting, which makes me understand my own better.
I got definite message that we are getting old and drying up, but we can reverse that by playing. It was a fun message, and I tried on lots of different ways of playing.
And I got to share lunch with a British Friend, who was absolutely European and really wondering about the vote. He said he voted to stay. He talked about their political process and then two of the leaders, and told us who to watch out for...He also has no idea what will happen now, and is just watching...
I didn't get any walks in today. Instead I spent my time doing the most dread, most disgusting of all chores...I cleaned the refrigerator.
So that is done...for now.
All is quiet, and settled for right now.
Maybe we'll get a few days!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, June 26, 2016
struggling today
Clare,
I love the prayer…
it comes from your center…
there is truth in it.
Loving ourselves is an important step in life…
or maybe accepting ourselves, flaws and all is the goal.
I need to do some acceptance of my own body and its changes too. I had a sense of coming to peace with my 'lady lumps' during yoga yesterday morning. I'm having some revisions on them in August and then maybe I'll decorate them with tattooed lace as I've been toying with.
As for your oldest…
many strong women have raised children alone.
It's challenging…
and tedious...
but she can do it if she chooses that path.
She will find her way.
I am struggling today.
No one in my family acknowledged that today is my "survivor day"…
I had to call it to their attention. That makes me feel unimportant.
On top of that I found out last night that my young man had his father visit him at work…
I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much.
He has been texting him…
told him where and when he works…
and then announced he was surprised that 'dad' had visited.
I feel so ambiguous about this. Part of me feels as if he's sneaking and being dishonest. I've offered to take him to a meeting with 'dad'. He's always refused. I've been told by the CYS worker that he shouldn't visit without supervision…
I'm not sure if that's an order or a preference…
I have to check on that.
But, why am I feeling hurt and betrayed by this action?
I am confusing myself here.
I know continued contact is important…
but it seems that I feel I have to be in control…
I'm not sure that's legitimate or not.
I am not sure what I feel or want.
It's not supposed to be about me though…
I'm trying to do good here…
but I'm feeling taken advantage of.
The scariest part is that I hear Papa Delana's voice arising in my head…
saying less than supportive things.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
Patience with myself and my young man.
that's what I need.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I love the prayer…
it comes from your center…
there is truth in it.
Loving ourselves is an important step in life…
or maybe accepting ourselves, flaws and all is the goal.
I need to do some acceptance of my own body and its changes too. I had a sense of coming to peace with my 'lady lumps' during yoga yesterday morning. I'm having some revisions on them in August and then maybe I'll decorate them with tattooed lace as I've been toying with.
As for your oldest…
many strong women have raised children alone.
It's challenging…
and tedious...
but she can do it if she chooses that path.
She will find her way.
I am struggling today.
No one in my family acknowledged that today is my "survivor day"…
I had to call it to their attention. That makes me feel unimportant.
On top of that I found out last night that my young man had his father visit him at work…
I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much.
He has been texting him…
told him where and when he works…
and then announced he was surprised that 'dad' had visited.
I feel so ambiguous about this. Part of me feels as if he's sneaking and being dishonest. I've offered to take him to a meeting with 'dad'. He's always refused. I've been told by the CYS worker that he shouldn't visit without supervision…
I'm not sure if that's an order or a preference…
I have to check on that.
But, why am I feeling hurt and betrayed by this action?
I am confusing myself here.
I know continued contact is important…
but it seems that I feel I have to be in control…
I'm not sure that's legitimate or not.
I am not sure what I feel or want.
It's not supposed to be about me though…
I'm trying to do good here…
but I'm feeling taken advantage of.
The scariest part is that I hear Papa Delana's voice arising in my head…
saying less than supportive things.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
Patience with myself and my young man.
that's what I need.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, June 25, 2016
prayer
Hi Magie,
I just went for a 2 mile walk, a faster walk than I do with the stroller. A "prayer" came, unbidden. I thought I would share it here. Partially because I will own it, partially because I will remember.
As I walked, something inside of me rose and became words:
I am ready to face the pain.
I thank you for insulating me,
protecting me,
keeping me strong inside here.
But I am ready to release the quilts I am hiding in.
I thank this body for the experiences
for bearing five healthy children...
what power.
And I apologize for all the times I said I hate you
especially my thighs
even when I was young and slender and healthy,
I hated you
And I don't know why
But you are strong
You are beautiful...
You are beautiful changed to I am beautiful, in time with my walking. Part of me was very upset. But a mama-self said it was okay to be uncomfortable. Just stay with it.
In the past I would have told myself to shut the hell up.
I am being more accepting of myself, it seems.
I couldn't move the full length mirror, because my screw gun is not here. Hmmmm... But I moved a big oval mirror, placing it oddly at shoulder level in my bedroom, where I can see my body but not my face.
My oldest was so sad, so overwhelmed. She now knows that she may not find a man she wants to marry, but she does want to be a mother. She has changed. She is more spiritual.
My youngest is frightened, but holding together. Her boyfriend's mother is an ER nurse and called with advice. Her first statement to her son was, "I know her well enough to know she is searching the internet for information and scaring herself. Tell her to get off now!" She's gonna have a good mother-in-law.
Love you,
Clare
I just went for a 2 mile walk, a faster walk than I do with the stroller. A "prayer" came, unbidden. I thought I would share it here. Partially because I will own it, partially because I will remember.
As I walked, something inside of me rose and became words:
I am ready to face the pain.
I thank you for insulating me,
protecting me,
keeping me strong inside here.
But I am ready to release the quilts I am hiding in.
I thank this body for the experiences
for bearing five healthy children...
what power.
And I apologize for all the times I said I hate you
especially my thighs
even when I was young and slender and healthy,
I hated you
And I don't know why
But you are strong
You are beautiful...
You are beautiful changed to I am beautiful, in time with my walking. Part of me was very upset. But a mama-self said it was okay to be uncomfortable. Just stay with it.
In the past I would have told myself to shut the hell up.
I am being more accepting of myself, it seems.
I couldn't move the full length mirror, because my screw gun is not here. Hmmmm... But I moved a big oval mirror, placing it oddly at shoulder level in my bedroom, where I can see my body but not my face.
My oldest was so sad, so overwhelmed. She now knows that she may not find a man she wants to marry, but she does want to be a mother. She has changed. She is more spiritual.
My youngest is frightened, but holding together. Her boyfriend's mother is an ER nurse and called with advice. Her first statement to her son was, "I know her well enough to know she is searching the internet for information and scaring herself. Tell her to get off now!" She's gonna have a good mother-in-law.
Love you,
Clare
dynamic change
Clare,
I am so sorry about your oldest's baby…
I felt such joy for her.
How is she doing?
I'm sorry for your youngest and the lyme disease…
that can be tricky to clear.
I'm sorry for the legal issues…
we've had those experiences too.
Wow- What a week!
I want to live in a world where people's voices are heard and honored.
I do.
I do not want to live in a world where the voice of hatred and 'isms' are the only ones heard.
I get a sense that the UK didn't really think they would be successful in the vote to exit…
I've heard commentary that the leaders were shocked and do not have a plan forward.
It is a time of amazing opportunity for change…
I just pray that it is change for peace and acceptance.
Closing borders is not the way to peace and prosperity.
It is cold and isolating…
insulating against the outside elements…
but change happens even when we fight it.
It is inevitable.
It is healthy.
Life is dynamic and constantly changing…
stagnant things die…
it's a truth and a constant in biology…
and life.
It will be interesting to see what plays out.
I made a batch of kombucha…
I tasted it today…
it's like sour green apples.
I am going to drink it for several days and see what effects it has on my body.
I will keep you posted.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am so sorry about your oldest's baby…
I felt such joy for her.
How is she doing?
I'm sorry for your youngest and the lyme disease…
that can be tricky to clear.
I'm sorry for the legal issues…
we've had those experiences too.
Wow- What a week!
I want to live in a world where people's voices are heard and honored.
I do.
I do not want to live in a world where the voice of hatred and 'isms' are the only ones heard.
I get a sense that the UK didn't really think they would be successful in the vote to exit…
I've heard commentary that the leaders were shocked and do not have a plan forward.
It is a time of amazing opportunity for change…
I just pray that it is change for peace and acceptance.
Closing borders is not the way to peace and prosperity.
It is cold and isolating…
insulating against the outside elements…
but change happens even when we fight it.
It is inevitable.
It is healthy.
Life is dynamic and constantly changing…
stagnant things die…
it's a truth and a constant in biology…
and life.
It will be interesting to see what plays out.
I made a batch of kombucha…
I tasted it today…
it's like sour green apples.
I am going to drink it for several days and see what effects it has on my body.
I will keep you posted.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
isolationist or independence?
Hi Maggie,
I went shopping for jeans today. I hate changing rooms, although they are a gift. Between the mirrors in the changing rooms and being surrounded by mirrors when I got my hair cut - I have really seen myself today. The mirrors in my house are shoulder high. I can imagine the rest of me the way I want it to be. But today I saw I am wrong. I think I need to put some full length mirrors in my living space, so I don't forget what I look like. Or so I can't pretend that I look like whatever I choose...
I have to figure out how to transform myself. The peace eagles have been around me every day this week. Maybe this is all part of the same message...that synchronicity that showers us with messages until they soak in.
But we know that when I start to transform and get noticed, I panic. I'm still not sure how to convince myself, or maybe to assure myself, that it is okay to be okay. It is okay to be acceptable. Maybe it is okay to be beautiful, but I can't drag myself there yet.
I love being alone too. I always thought it was being one of nine kids, then having five roommates, then having five kids. Alone was always such a gift. I am rarely bored, rarely lonely. But frequently isolated. I think it has to do with being above my body, or around my body, as opposed to being in my body, where I am supposed to be.
This probably ties directly to my first observations about mirrors, or lack of mirrors...
Yesterday, everyone wanted to talk about Brexit. Everyone feels confused, and almost like they are holding their collective breath waiting to see what happens next.
I still can't figure out exactly what happened. I was very aware of the vote, waiting to see, then shocked - especially when I saw Cameron resigned.
To me there seem to be two ways of understanding what happened. I am not quite sure which is more accurate. Much of this seems to come from the refugee crisis. Countries want to close their borders because people don't feel like they can support or absorb any more refugees.
There is the feeling that the richer countries are being forced to support poorer countries - which may be the innate problem with tying an economy like Greece's to one like Germany's. It is obviously not fair. It also is a move to expect people to have a similar or same culture - which is no where near happening. Anyway, since Britain is a richer country, people wanted to stop being taxed for the poor.
So is this isolationist? Or is this a way of escaping EU control, being told what they have to do by the overriding government? In other words, is this independence?
In France, I am told that Marine Le Pen, their version of Donald Trump, is pushing for the same...for France to leave the EU. If that happens, then it will become clearer that this is isolationist assholism...then same as Trump's Wall.
Someone explained to me that if the US wants to get into any European country - I'm talking business and financial interference, their first step is through a London bank. Apparently, England is not seen as European, as much as half European and half American, and as the gateway for the US. Part of the power of the EU has been forcing countries to accept GMO and Round-Up ready ag - from us. If by leaving the EU, people are saying No!, then we have an independence movement.
When I was about 13, I started reading the weird stuff, starting with Edgar Cayce. He predicted that during the end times, Texas would leave the US, starting a movement of some sort. Maybe he was right, and this is the inspiration. Especially since there has already been one vote.
Going to move the full length mirror from upstairs to downstairs. And waiting for it to cool down enough to walk.
So, just to finish...It has been a hard week here. My oldest lost her baby. My youngest granddaughter was diagnosed with second stage Lyme disease. And one of my sons has had some legal problems. Everything seems to be calming down and working out. But it has not been fun here recently...
Love and hugs from Clare
I went shopping for jeans today. I hate changing rooms, although they are a gift. Between the mirrors in the changing rooms and being surrounded by mirrors when I got my hair cut - I have really seen myself today. The mirrors in my house are shoulder high. I can imagine the rest of me the way I want it to be. But today I saw I am wrong. I think I need to put some full length mirrors in my living space, so I don't forget what I look like. Or so I can't pretend that I look like whatever I choose...
I have to figure out how to transform myself. The peace eagles have been around me every day this week. Maybe this is all part of the same message...that synchronicity that showers us with messages until they soak in.
But we know that when I start to transform and get noticed, I panic. I'm still not sure how to convince myself, or maybe to assure myself, that it is okay to be okay. It is okay to be acceptable. Maybe it is okay to be beautiful, but I can't drag myself there yet.
I love being alone too. I always thought it was being one of nine kids, then having five roommates, then having five kids. Alone was always such a gift. I am rarely bored, rarely lonely. But frequently isolated. I think it has to do with being above my body, or around my body, as opposed to being in my body, where I am supposed to be.
This probably ties directly to my first observations about mirrors, or lack of mirrors...
Yesterday, everyone wanted to talk about Brexit. Everyone feels confused, and almost like they are holding their collective breath waiting to see what happens next.
I still can't figure out exactly what happened. I was very aware of the vote, waiting to see, then shocked - especially when I saw Cameron resigned.
To me there seem to be two ways of understanding what happened. I am not quite sure which is more accurate. Much of this seems to come from the refugee crisis. Countries want to close their borders because people don't feel like they can support or absorb any more refugees.
There is the feeling that the richer countries are being forced to support poorer countries - which may be the innate problem with tying an economy like Greece's to one like Germany's. It is obviously not fair. It also is a move to expect people to have a similar or same culture - which is no where near happening. Anyway, since Britain is a richer country, people wanted to stop being taxed for the poor.
So is this isolationist? Or is this a way of escaping EU control, being told what they have to do by the overriding government? In other words, is this independence?
In France, I am told that Marine Le Pen, their version of Donald Trump, is pushing for the same...for France to leave the EU. If that happens, then it will become clearer that this is isolationist assholism...then same as Trump's Wall.
Someone explained to me that if the US wants to get into any European country - I'm talking business and financial interference, their first step is through a London bank. Apparently, England is not seen as European, as much as half European and half American, and as the gateway for the US. Part of the power of the EU has been forcing countries to accept GMO and Round-Up ready ag - from us. If by leaving the EU, people are saying No!, then we have an independence movement.
When I was about 13, I started reading the weird stuff, starting with Edgar Cayce. He predicted that during the end times, Texas would leave the US, starting a movement of some sort. Maybe he was right, and this is the inspiration. Especially since there has already been one vote.
Going to move the full length mirror from upstairs to downstairs. And waiting for it to cool down enough to walk.
So, just to finish...It has been a hard week here. My oldest lost her baby. My youngest granddaughter was diagnosed with second stage Lyme disease. And one of my sons has had some legal problems. Everything seems to be calming down and working out. But it has not been fun here recently...
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, June 24, 2016
balance is good
Clare,
I pray for clarity for you too. I think we get glimpses of clarity…
pieces that make a little sense…
and then we put them together into a picture.
I think that's why leadings are so important…
we can't see the whole picture so we have to trust enough to take that next step.
I fond myself telling my older son time and time again…
"don't worry about the big goal, what's the next step"…
big goals paralyze him…
he has to focus on the present and maybe the next moment to be calm.
Isolation is one of the triad of trauma propagation…
silence, shame and isolation.
I often wonder if I'd be such an introvert if I didn't have a trauma history.
I am preparing my 3 hour lecture on stress and disease…
child abuse and neglect and the health consequences 3 - 5 decades later. I love preparing for this talk. I've added so much depth to it this time…
information from the trauma course I just finished.
I've subtracted some not so important ideas…
but will probably find a way to convey that information without the slides…
it's all important.
Isolation is a defense mechanism…
no one can leave or reject me if I'm not connected…
but strength and happiness lie within those true connections…
it takes courage to be happy.
It's ironic that the one thing we all want takes so much courage to attain.
I am alone right now…
it's heaven…
all is quiet and calm…
the animals are all napping…
the only sign of life is me typing away…
I love being alone.
I really do.
But, I love spending time with my family and friends…
I need a balance.
Balance is good.
So what do your european friends think of the UK's vote to exit the EU? Just curious of others' perspectives.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I pray for clarity for you too. I think we get glimpses of clarity…
pieces that make a little sense…
and then we put them together into a picture.
I think that's why leadings are so important…
we can't see the whole picture so we have to trust enough to take that next step.
I fond myself telling my older son time and time again…
"don't worry about the big goal, what's the next step"…
big goals paralyze him…
he has to focus on the present and maybe the next moment to be calm.
Isolation is one of the triad of trauma propagation…
silence, shame and isolation.
I often wonder if I'd be such an introvert if I didn't have a trauma history.
I am preparing my 3 hour lecture on stress and disease…
child abuse and neglect and the health consequences 3 - 5 decades later. I love preparing for this talk. I've added so much depth to it this time…
information from the trauma course I just finished.
I've subtracted some not so important ideas…
but will probably find a way to convey that information without the slides…
it's all important.
Isolation is a defense mechanism…
no one can leave or reject me if I'm not connected…
but strength and happiness lie within those true connections…
it takes courage to be happy.
It's ironic that the one thing we all want takes so much courage to attain.
I am alone right now…
it's heaven…
all is quiet and calm…
the animals are all napping…
the only sign of life is me typing away…
I love being alone.
I really do.
But, I love spending time with my family and friends…
I need a balance.
Balance is good.
So what do your european friends think of the UK's vote to exit the EU? Just curious of others' perspectives.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, June 23, 2016
got a name
Hi Maggie,
I also wondered about what the emotional cleansing and bandaging, and soothing and salving, would look like. So I went back to find the speakers name. And I found he was written a book called Emotional First Aid. His name is Guy Winch. I plan to keep an eye out for this book.
I read a little of his writing. He said people who are lonely tend to isolate as a way of avoiding rejection. I was just thinking about that in relation to myself.
I was also thinking about my tendency to wait until everything is okay to do what I want. That was why doing the 5k, and even coming in last, were so important. I have been wanting to go for the past few years, but since I have not been running for years, I decided I would wait until I was acceptable. I think acceptable means I blend. There is nothing terribly offensive about me...
I am acceptable. I'm not the fastest or most competitive. But I am acceptable.
We did not have much snow last winter, so there was no melt to soften and saturate the ground. And now we have been going a long time without a soaking rain. It is so dry. My garden is so stunted. I read an article about the tens of hundred of thousands of trees that have died and are dying in Cali right now. It is a combination of drought and wildfire. I just had a sense of death and extinction.
I was outside in my overly dry little corner of the planet wondering how to call in the rain. I was wondering how we could love ourselves into a pocket of life...
A friend of mine has realized that when she travels, she always finds herself in a healing place, a learning place- the place that she should be. She is offering to create journeys for her friends, either solo or with her. I am taking her upon this, but I can't decide what my purpose is...she suggests clarity, healing or enlightenment.
I am waiting for clarity...so maybe that is what I want. Or is this another of those moments where I am waiting until I am good enough to go forward and have fun...
I think I'll pick clarity, and trust that if that is not what I need, it will not be what I get!
Love and hugs fromyour sleepy sister!!
Clare
I also wondered about what the emotional cleansing and bandaging, and soothing and salving, would look like. So I went back to find the speakers name. And I found he was written a book called Emotional First Aid. His name is Guy Winch. I plan to keep an eye out for this book.
I read a little of his writing. He said people who are lonely tend to isolate as a way of avoiding rejection. I was just thinking about that in relation to myself.
I was also thinking about my tendency to wait until everything is okay to do what I want. That was why doing the 5k, and even coming in last, were so important. I have been wanting to go for the past few years, but since I have not been running for years, I decided I would wait until I was acceptable. I think acceptable means I blend. There is nothing terribly offensive about me...
I am acceptable. I'm not the fastest or most competitive. But I am acceptable.
We did not have much snow last winter, so there was no melt to soften and saturate the ground. And now we have been going a long time without a soaking rain. It is so dry. My garden is so stunted. I read an article about the tens of hundred of thousands of trees that have died and are dying in Cali right now. It is a combination of drought and wildfire. I just had a sense of death and extinction.
I was outside in my overly dry little corner of the planet wondering how to call in the rain. I was wondering how we could love ourselves into a pocket of life...
A friend of mine has realized that when she travels, she always finds herself in a healing place, a learning place- the place that she should be. She is offering to create journeys for her friends, either solo or with her. I am taking her upon this, but I can't decide what my purpose is...she suggests clarity, healing or enlightenment.
I am waiting for clarity...so maybe that is what I want. Or is this another of those moments where I am waiting until I am good enough to go forward and have fun...
I think I'll pick clarity, and trust that if that is not what I need, it will not be what I get!
Love and hugs fromyour sleepy sister!!
Clare
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
day off
Clare,
I've got to look for help anywhere I can get it. God knows I am dense when it comes to signs and messages…
but, I'm becoming lighter as I get older…
ideas penetrate easier…
It takes less exposures for me to 'get it'.
I hope that is true.
Thanks for your help last night. My friend was frantic…
knowing there was a human being who was willing to help, eased her mind a lot. She is grateful.
She has allowed my second daughter to live with her this past year…
rent free…
only asking help with her dog occasionally.
She is a good friend for many years…
I appreciate your and your son's help very much.
I had my day off today…
which once again was mostly a clean and laundry day.
One of these days I'm going to actually take a day off and do something fun. I was thinking about kayaking or hiking today…
but kids' schedules chop up my day into pieces that make that impossible. I did get a long walk in and some reading…
which is nice.
I wonder what emotional cleansing would look like. I like the concept, but am not sure how I would actually facilitate that. I had time with my friend, the massage therapist, today. we were trying to figure out what the business model for this new venture would look like. It has to be a team approach. If clients can come through with an 'al a carte' mentality they will miss the integration part…
wholeness from the body up.
I am still preparing for my stress=dis-ease lecture next week. I'm adding and subtracting parts to make sense with my further understanding of the ideas since I took the trauma course. I think it's going to be really good. It was good before- people have commented on it before- now it will be better.
I hope…
One of these days I'm going to do an entire lecture of TED talks. I think it would be awesome. Speaking of TED talks…
I've never heard about our tickets for the Brene Brown thing in Delaware…
I wonder how I find out about that at this point.
I reserved tickets, but they weren't even sure of the venue at that time so they weren't selling tickets yet. I hope to hear soon.
We will have a good time.
Sorry about the insomnia…
watch your stress.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I've got to look for help anywhere I can get it. God knows I am dense when it comes to signs and messages…
but, I'm becoming lighter as I get older…
ideas penetrate easier…
It takes less exposures for me to 'get it'.
I hope that is true.
Thanks for your help last night. My friend was frantic…
knowing there was a human being who was willing to help, eased her mind a lot. She is grateful.
She has allowed my second daughter to live with her this past year…
rent free…
only asking help with her dog occasionally.
She is a good friend for many years…
I appreciate your and your son's help very much.
I had my day off today…
which once again was mostly a clean and laundry day.
One of these days I'm going to actually take a day off and do something fun. I was thinking about kayaking or hiking today…
but kids' schedules chop up my day into pieces that make that impossible. I did get a long walk in and some reading…
which is nice.
I wonder what emotional cleansing would look like. I like the concept, but am not sure how I would actually facilitate that. I had time with my friend, the massage therapist, today. we were trying to figure out what the business model for this new venture would look like. It has to be a team approach. If clients can come through with an 'al a carte' mentality they will miss the integration part…
wholeness from the body up.
I am still preparing for my stress=dis-ease lecture next week. I'm adding and subtracting parts to make sense with my further understanding of the ideas since I took the trauma course. I think it's going to be really good. It was good before- people have commented on it before- now it will be better.
I hope…
One of these days I'm going to do an entire lecture of TED talks. I think it would be awesome. Speaking of TED talks…
I've never heard about our tickets for the Brene Brown thing in Delaware…
I wonder how I find out about that at this point.
I reserved tickets, but they weren't even sure of the venue at that time so they weren't selling tickets yet. I hope to hear soon.
We will have a good time.
Sorry about the insomnia…
watch your stress.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
go ahead and laugh
Oh Maggie, my Cherokee friend from years ago would be so proud of the way you have taken to watching for animals guides and interpreting their messages. I have only seen coyotes twice...maybe.
I wonder what would happen if you laughed. I wonder if it would free the boy(s) from the intense hold of their emotions...
For your new venture...it's too weird, but I thought of neutralizing the violations!
I listened to a TED talk while I cleaned last weekend. The speaker was explaining emotional hygiene. He talked about a woman who had a first date after a bitter divorce and time alone. About 10 minutes after they began having coffe, the man said he was not interested and left. So the story went on that she called a friend who pointed out that this woman had big hips and nothing interesting to say...Except it wasn't a friend. This is what the woman said to herself.
I know that pattern, becuase I run it regularly.
The speaker then pointed out that if we cut our arm, we don't drive a knife into the wound and try to make it deeper and bloodier. We know how to treat physical wounds. Why can't we do the same for emotional wounds.
He gave an example of emotional hygiene. He said when we cycle into rumination, it has been shown that distracting ourselves for two minutes will break the cycle. Every time the cycle starts, do something specific to distract yourself., He said he needed to use this and within a week he was seeing everything differently.
I wonder if it is possible to get a whole first aid kit of these techniques...
I have not been sleeping well. I don't know why. I get tired, I go to bed and read until I can't keep my eyes open. I turn off the light, and I am UP.
I'll try again tonight...
Hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs from Clare
I wonder what would happen if you laughed. I wonder if it would free the boy(s) from the intense hold of their emotions...
For your new venture...it's too weird, but I thought of neutralizing the violations!
I listened to a TED talk while I cleaned last weekend. The speaker was explaining emotional hygiene. He talked about a woman who had a first date after a bitter divorce and time alone. About 10 minutes after they began having coffe, the man said he was not interested and left. So the story went on that she called a friend who pointed out that this woman had big hips and nothing interesting to say...Except it wasn't a friend. This is what the woman said to herself.
I know that pattern, becuase I run it regularly.
The speaker then pointed out that if we cut our arm, we don't drive a knife into the wound and try to make it deeper and bloodier. We know how to treat physical wounds. Why can't we do the same for emotional wounds.
He gave an example of emotional hygiene. He said when we cycle into rumination, it has been shown that distracting ourselves for two minutes will break the cycle. Every time the cycle starts, do something specific to distract yourself., He said he needed to use this and within a week he was seeing everything differently.
I wonder if it is possible to get a whole first aid kit of these techniques...
I have not been sleeping well. I don't know why. I get tired, I go to bed and read until I can't keep my eyes open. I turn off the light, and I am UP.
I'll try again tonight...
Hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
coyote trickery
If Coyote has come skulking across your path;
You are being reminded to laugh at yourself. Things have been entirely too serious of late and you simply need to let loose and get on with it. Stop dwelling on your worries and stresses and let them go. You have asked for the help you need so just let go and allow your spirit helpers to do what they need to do. Do something that gives you pleasure and joy and focus on the positive for a change.
So, I drove husband to work this morning and we saw a coyote crossing the road. It stopped and looked at us and then crossed, very deliberately. So I looked up the totem and it means I need to enjoy, lighten up, and wait for help to come. I think I need that advice…
I'm not sure that I know how to take it though.
I was told to ask for help by a spirit…
and now I'm assured that it will come.
I may have to start to laugh at my youngest and my young man's protestations of nutritious foods and curfews. Laughter may defuse the situation. Thank you universe. The articles also wrote about trickery with a coyote…
messages hidden in life that seem wither too obvious or too hidden…
I've got to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open.
A few answers to questions:
The group home served decent food, family style. If they chose not to eat they would go hungry until breakfast. The leader of the home suggested I limit choice and expect him to eat. Cheeseburgers are associated with good times with his Mom, before she was taken away. Spaghetti, I'm not sure of its significance. I try to offer something he likes and serve what we like. I've begun asking him to try our entree or side as well as his "safe" food. It seems to be working.
I like the insight of the period of erasing, down time to regroup. I feel guilty when he says he's bored- like I should be a better hostess and entertain him. I have to remind myself that I am his mom now- not a hostess and that boredom is a catalyst for curiosity.
My youngest has his curfew lowered when he is late. He seems to respond to that. It's one discipline tha the doesn't fight generally.
I like the idea of balance. Maybe it is about balance. I always end up with a packed schedule- maybe that's my comfort zone and it's important to understand balancing all aspects. Thanks.
The new project has my mind enticed…
Clarity counseling?
Peace processing?
Facilitating the journey?
What will I be offering?
The new project has my mind enticed…
Clarity counseling?
Peace processing?
Facilitating the journey?
What will I be offering?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, June 20, 2016
day of light
Hi Maggie,
Your healing process idea sounds so good. And it gives you something exciting to do, to be involved in...it puts you in a wonderful, healing community. I'm looking forward to watching this unfold...blossom, maybe.
Could you ask your foster son to cook? I wonder if researching nutrition, then planning and preparing a meal would make him appreciate and become excited by the realm of healthy foods - fresh fruits and vegetables - whole grains. Use his intellect, maybe, and see if he can tell you why eating beef and white flour daily is detrimental to the health.
What does he do when you make other foods? Does he try it, or does he boycott dinner until he gets what he wants.
I remember once, my kids came home from visiting with my in-laws. They were astounded that their aunt had 20-some boxes of cereal - all different. (They counted!) They were invited to choose any kind they wanted. (I was opposed to processed cereals, especially the sugar/chemical laden ones, and I usually made them eat pancakes or oatmeal or bagels or eggs...) And she took orders for lunch. They thought that was more restaurant than family.
Different families have different expectations, I suppose.
What did they serve at your foster son's group home? Were spaghetti and cheeseburgers treats? What did he routinely do at the group home to pass the days? Has he discovered any passions yet?
I remember when I pulled my kids out of public school in order to homeschool them. At first they did nothing. I trusted that they would become interested in something, and they did. But it seemed like they needed that period of nothing to sort of wipe the slate clean and prepare for something new. Perhaps your foster son is doing something like this.
Is there a consequence for being 30 minutes late? If not, who cares if he is late. If so, then enforce the consequence without negotiation, without listening. If you think he is being sneaky, then he is. Trust yourself, Mama. Don't minimize.
I hope you and your husband have a chance to communicate before he bursts one of those blood vessels in his neck! He probably has a whole lot of stress with the problems with your youngest, with having a new teen in the house, with being faced by cheeseburgers every fricking day! Maybe he wants to jump ship too.
Are you overfilled or underfilled? I am not sure, but I was wondering if the load was simply unbalanced.
I could not sleep last night. Actually drank half a cup of coffee today. Got jittery, but got through my work day mostly coherently. And now I am tired.
Happy Solstice! Enjoy the Light. Let every bit stream into your heart!
Love and hugs from Clare
Your healing process idea sounds so good. And it gives you something exciting to do, to be involved in...it puts you in a wonderful, healing community. I'm looking forward to watching this unfold...blossom, maybe.
Could you ask your foster son to cook? I wonder if researching nutrition, then planning and preparing a meal would make him appreciate and become excited by the realm of healthy foods - fresh fruits and vegetables - whole grains. Use his intellect, maybe, and see if he can tell you why eating beef and white flour daily is detrimental to the health.
What does he do when you make other foods? Does he try it, or does he boycott dinner until he gets what he wants.
I remember once, my kids came home from visiting with my in-laws. They were astounded that their aunt had 20-some boxes of cereal - all different. (They counted!) They were invited to choose any kind they wanted. (I was opposed to processed cereals, especially the sugar/chemical laden ones, and I usually made them eat pancakes or oatmeal or bagels or eggs...) And she took orders for lunch. They thought that was more restaurant than family.
Different families have different expectations, I suppose.
What did they serve at your foster son's group home? Were spaghetti and cheeseburgers treats? What did he routinely do at the group home to pass the days? Has he discovered any passions yet?
I remember when I pulled my kids out of public school in order to homeschool them. At first they did nothing. I trusted that they would become interested in something, and they did. But it seemed like they needed that period of nothing to sort of wipe the slate clean and prepare for something new. Perhaps your foster son is doing something like this.
Is there a consequence for being 30 minutes late? If not, who cares if he is late. If so, then enforce the consequence without negotiation, without listening. If you think he is being sneaky, then he is. Trust yourself, Mama. Don't minimize.
I hope you and your husband have a chance to communicate before he bursts one of those blood vessels in his neck! He probably has a whole lot of stress with the problems with your youngest, with having a new teen in the house, with being faced by cheeseburgers every fricking day! Maybe he wants to jump ship too.
Are you overfilled or underfilled? I am not sure, but I was wondering if the load was simply unbalanced.
I could not sleep last night. Actually drank half a cup of coffee today. Got jittery, but got through my work day mostly coherently. And now I am tired.
Happy Solstice! Enjoy the Light. Let every bit stream into your heart!
Love and hugs from Clare
over-filled or under-filled
Clare,
Congratulations….
5K completion.
Keep working towards that distance…
soon it will become easier and easier.
I had an interesting weekend. Some parts of my life are wonderful and others are just damn trying my patience and fortitude.
On Saturday morning I sat with 2 friends- one a massage therapist and the other a yoga instructor- to discuss a new adventure. I think I told you before about my idea to offer services for trauma survivors…
body work followed by talk therapy…
processing what came up during the session.
We started to formulate our ideas on Saturday.
We've decided to spend the next 2 weeks thinking about our unique niche and finding words to describe what it is we can offer. My oldest is going to sit with us and create a marketing plan or strategy to help us. I think that putting it into words is the next step…
thoughts…words…actions.
It is exciting and I love these ladies so it will be good tow irk with them more closely.
Our home life is trying to find a new normal.
With the addition of our young man there are challenges.
He is incredibly smart…
but his development has been 'arrested' at some pretty immature stages.
He refuses to try new foods…
he wants cheeseburgers or spaghetti with meat sauce at every meal.
He complains of being bored regularly…
I give him a task or make a suggestion and he tells me why he cannot possible do those…
like 'read a book'.
I told him to find another word because I don't think he's really bored and he's confusing me with that word.
My kids returned from the beach. The youngest is more engaged, but still acting 'sneaky'.
I just don't trust him.
He came in 30 minutes late last night…
apologetic, but trying to convince me it's because I screwed up- not him.
We went zip lining near your old farm yesterday. We met husband's brothers' family. We were celebrating brother-in-law's 60 birthday and fathers' day together. Husband has been increasingly anxious recently and so he was really angry when we got on the road late…
our youngest wasn't getting out of bed…
husband never yells…
he gets really quiet and the veins bulge on the sides of his neck and face…
I tried to talk to him about 20 minutes into the drive and he cut me off…
so it was a very quiet ride.
Our oldest tried to make small talk…
but was met with one word answers.
we zipped and I had fun…
I love this part of husband's family.
I have no idea if husband had fun…
he said thanks after, but not in an incredibly authentic way.
I need a break from my family…
but there isn't one insight.
I wish I knew where all of this is taking me. Right now I want to jump ship and find a new life….
but I would overfill that one too…
and then want to try something else.
Am I over-filled or under-filled?
Sometimes I cannot tell.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Congratulations….
5K completion.
Keep working towards that distance…
soon it will become easier and easier.
I had an interesting weekend. Some parts of my life are wonderful and others are just damn trying my patience and fortitude.
On Saturday morning I sat with 2 friends- one a massage therapist and the other a yoga instructor- to discuss a new adventure. I think I told you before about my idea to offer services for trauma survivors…
body work followed by talk therapy…
processing what came up during the session.
We started to formulate our ideas on Saturday.
We've decided to spend the next 2 weeks thinking about our unique niche and finding words to describe what it is we can offer. My oldest is going to sit with us and create a marketing plan or strategy to help us. I think that putting it into words is the next step…
thoughts…words…actions.
It is exciting and I love these ladies so it will be good tow irk with them more closely.
Our home life is trying to find a new normal.
With the addition of our young man there are challenges.
He is incredibly smart…
but his development has been 'arrested' at some pretty immature stages.
He refuses to try new foods…
he wants cheeseburgers or spaghetti with meat sauce at every meal.
He complains of being bored regularly…
I give him a task or make a suggestion and he tells me why he cannot possible do those…
like 'read a book'.
I told him to find another word because I don't think he's really bored and he's confusing me with that word.
My kids returned from the beach. The youngest is more engaged, but still acting 'sneaky'.
I just don't trust him.
He came in 30 minutes late last night…
apologetic, but trying to convince me it's because I screwed up- not him.
We went zip lining near your old farm yesterday. We met husband's brothers' family. We were celebrating brother-in-law's 60 birthday and fathers' day together. Husband has been increasingly anxious recently and so he was really angry when we got on the road late…
our youngest wasn't getting out of bed…
husband never yells…
he gets really quiet and the veins bulge on the sides of his neck and face…
I tried to talk to him about 20 minutes into the drive and he cut me off…
so it was a very quiet ride.
Our oldest tried to make small talk…
but was met with one word answers.
we zipped and I had fun…
I love this part of husband's family.
I have no idea if husband had fun…
he said thanks after, but not in an incredibly authentic way.
I need a break from my family…
but there isn't one insight.
I wish I knew where all of this is taking me. Right now I want to jump ship and find a new life….
but I would overfill that one too…
and then want to try something else.
Am I over-filled or under-filled?
Sometimes I cannot tell.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, June 19, 2016
we did it
Hi Maggoe,
We did it. We completed the 5k. My granddaughter and I were dead last. We were so last no one was really waiting for laggers any more. We were so last, that we cheated and cut the last couple hundred steps, because my granddaughter could see where her mama was, and she was ready to be absolutely done.
It was so hot, and because the jogging stroller would not fit in the trunk, we had the umbrella stroller. Never again! We were on roads, easy, on grass - no so easy, on rough sidewalks, and on a trail in the forest, where at one point the front wheels were at 180 degree opposition.
She walked some of the way, she got out when we were at the top and rolled down a grassy hill, she cried, and we stopped and sat on a bench under a tree until she was calm and ready to finish. She was hot but refused to wear her sun hat or sunglasses...in effect, she was a perfect toddler!
But we did it.
And we felt inspired...like maybe it would be fun to do more, and to do more training. I am willing to take the jogging stroller and be at the back of the crowds. No problem.
My son checked in, because he never saw me come in. I told him we made it, and that next year our goal was to be next-to-the-last!
Thank you for sponsoring us. S#3 and B#1 also made contributions. I was so thrilled.
I'll be profound tomorrw. Maybe...Today I'm just plain old hot!
Love and hugs from Clare
We did it. We completed the 5k. My granddaughter and I were dead last. We were so last no one was really waiting for laggers any more. We were so last, that we cheated and cut the last couple hundred steps, because my granddaughter could see where her mama was, and she was ready to be absolutely done.
It was so hot, and because the jogging stroller would not fit in the trunk, we had the umbrella stroller. Never again! We were on roads, easy, on grass - no so easy, on rough sidewalks, and on a trail in the forest, where at one point the front wheels were at 180 degree opposition.
She walked some of the way, she got out when we were at the top and rolled down a grassy hill, she cried, and we stopped and sat on a bench under a tree until she was calm and ready to finish. She was hot but refused to wear her sun hat or sunglasses...in effect, she was a perfect toddler!
But we did it.
And we felt inspired...like maybe it would be fun to do more, and to do more training. I am willing to take the jogging stroller and be at the back of the crowds. No problem.
My son checked in, because he never saw me come in. I told him we made it, and that next year our goal was to be next-to-the-last!
Thank you for sponsoring us. S#3 and B#1 also made contributions. I was so thrilled.
I'll be profound tomorrw. Maybe...Today I'm just plain old hot!
Love and hugs from Clare
Saturday, June 18, 2016
quick post
Clare,
I hate waking early on a weekend when I could sleep…
but a part of me reminds myself to be glad for the extra time.
Unfortunately that part of me gets drowned out by my wishing for another 30 minutes.
We visited the young men's grandmother today. She was more conversive today…
she has had several strokes and today I realized she has an expressive aphasia…
difficulty finding the right words…
she talks around an idea until she either conveys the idea or finds the words she wants to use.
She talked about dropping out of high school in 11th grade because she was pregnant. That is the age that the older young man is now. I wonder if that registered with him. She spoke of their father and his love of "expensive sneakers". I've never met him, but wonder what he must be like. I've been told that he is somewhat intellectually disabled- it takes repetition of an idea for him to understand. I don't know if I want to meet him- but do believe that I am going to cross paths with him eventually. It will be interesting when it happens.
I am really tired today. It's 6 pm, beautiful weather and I want a nap…
Why?
My oldest and youngest are back from the beach. They are relaxed and in a good space. They got along well and there were no incidents between them during the week. I am thankful for that.
When is your walk? I hope it goes well for you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I hate waking early on a weekend when I could sleep…
but a part of me reminds myself to be glad for the extra time.
Unfortunately that part of me gets drowned out by my wishing for another 30 minutes.
We visited the young men's grandmother today. She was more conversive today…
she has had several strokes and today I realized she has an expressive aphasia…
difficulty finding the right words…
she talks around an idea until she either conveys the idea or finds the words she wants to use.
She talked about dropping out of high school in 11th grade because she was pregnant. That is the age that the older young man is now. I wonder if that registered with him. She spoke of their father and his love of "expensive sneakers". I've never met him, but wonder what he must be like. I've been told that he is somewhat intellectually disabled- it takes repetition of an idea for him to understand. I don't know if I want to meet him- but do believe that I am going to cross paths with him eventually. It will be interesting when it happens.
I am really tired today. It's 6 pm, beautiful weather and I want a nap…
Why?
My oldest and youngest are back from the beach. They are relaxed and in a good space. They got along well and there were no incidents between them during the week. I am thankful for that.
When is your walk? I hope it goes well for you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday morning
Hi Maggie,
I woke up in the middle of the night, looked at my clock and panicked when I realized I had not set the alarm. I turned it on, felt really relieved, then started trying to figure out what day it really is. I finally decided it was Saturday, turned the alarm back off, and went back to sleep. Then my old dog got me up at 4:50 so she could go out. I used some of those expletive words, because usually I have to get up for work, then try to get her to go out before I start work. Typically, she lays on the couch and looks at me, as I gesture convincingly, then she decides I am probably not going to give up. She groans and climbs down off the couch in absolutely slow motion. And she goes out.
But on Saturday life is different!
After they went out and came back in, I ran to my bedroom, outpacing the dogs, and shut my door, so no one could communicate any other problems. But I could not get back to sleep.
Sigh......
Your friend said to teach again. Then you had an offer to teach. Synchronicity. But don't ask me if you should. When I had a car, I said yes to everything. I think volunteering and getting involved and saying yes was my way of not sitting and thinking, and feeling, what was happening.
I had a friend who had advice about making decisions. She said flip a coin, then pay attention to your reaction. That is how you will know where you are truly being led.
With your youngest, I like the advice. Do you think you have the courage to call the police? It seems like a good idea, just to show him what he is doing is not acceptable. I always worry, though, because police involvement always makes every situation worse than it should be. But I agree that the help of some authority figure might help him look at himself and notice where it is that he gets out of line.
Can you walk away from his escalating emotion? I think he'll probably bring it to you...
Do I think you can do this? Absolutely!
Thank you for sponsoring me and my daughter and her daughter in the 5k tomorrow. Since the temps will be well into the 90s, I expect this to be a 5k stroll! Maybe we'll set the record for the slowest 5k ever!
Love and hugs, and do somehting fun this weekend.
Clare
I woke up in the middle of the night, looked at my clock and panicked when I realized I had not set the alarm. I turned it on, felt really relieved, then started trying to figure out what day it really is. I finally decided it was Saturday, turned the alarm back off, and went back to sleep. Then my old dog got me up at 4:50 so she could go out. I used some of those expletive words, because usually I have to get up for work, then try to get her to go out before I start work. Typically, she lays on the couch and looks at me, as I gesture convincingly, then she decides I am probably not going to give up. She groans and climbs down off the couch in absolutely slow motion. And she goes out.
But on Saturday life is different!
After they went out and came back in, I ran to my bedroom, outpacing the dogs, and shut my door, so no one could communicate any other problems. But I could not get back to sleep.
Sigh......
Your friend said to teach again. Then you had an offer to teach. Synchronicity. But don't ask me if you should. When I had a car, I said yes to everything. I think volunteering and getting involved and saying yes was my way of not sitting and thinking, and feeling, what was happening.
I had a friend who had advice about making decisions. She said flip a coin, then pay attention to your reaction. That is how you will know where you are truly being led.
With your youngest, I like the advice. Do you think you have the courage to call the police? It seems like a good idea, just to show him what he is doing is not acceptable. I always worry, though, because police involvement always makes every situation worse than it should be. But I agree that the help of some authority figure might help him look at himself and notice where it is that he gets out of line.
Can you walk away from his escalating emotion? I think he'll probably bring it to you...
Do I think you can do this? Absolutely!
Thank you for sponsoring me and my daughter and her daughter in the 5k tomorrow. Since the temps will be well into the 90s, I expect this to be a 5k stroll! Maybe we'll set the record for the slowest 5k ever!
Love and hugs, and do somehting fun this weekend.
Clare
Thursday, June 16, 2016
we wait...
So, Maggie, how do we help those homeless kids? In my life, they are invisible. But I feel so strongly that homelessness and hunger are a moral issue. I am so impressed that you are doing something to help someone.
The problems are so overwhelming...I get lost in them sometimes.
I agree with you about the news Mom sent. I mentioned it to my psychic neighbor and she confirmed my feelings. So far, I feel numb. I feel lost. I feel like I have to tell my kids to get down and visit one last time. We get there so infrequently...
My neighbor said something intriguing. She said when certain people, people who have hurt us, pass, we get a sense of peace. I am wondering if that is true. I wonder if we release. Or I wonder if it is because we are now connected to a spiritual being.
I remember attending a widow's support group once when I was writing for the paper. One of the women laughed and said no matter how much of a SOB he was when he was alive, once he dies he becomes a saint. That was so curious to me...
But I recently attended a memorial service, where the daughter spoke. She said her mom was an alcoholic when she was a child. But her mom stopped drinking when she became a grandmother. The daughter had a lot of anger and resentment, and she vowed to herself that she would never be one of those people who forgot, and talked about their sainted mother....BUT...she witnessed, she felt, she participated in her mother's spiritual transformation, and she understood who her mother was, as she shed this persona. And she became one with those who forgive and love.
Will that happen for me? Will it be easier to communicate with Dad once he sheds this pain-filled, angry shroud of a person he has been carrying all this lifetime?
I tried to remember when Pop passed. I don't think I perceived him as being the source of pain at that point, so I didn't exactly understand. Not living around Mom and Dad, I don't know if Dad changed or not - once his abuser was gone from this plane.
Do I want to talk to Dad before he passes? I have to think about what I want, what I need. If I need him to say he is sorry, and that he loves me, I know I will not go talk to him. Why take that broken heart into my crone years? What do I want from him? What do I need from him?
Right now it is all melodramatic demands...Did you ever love me kind of bull crap. Or even, did you ever even like me? Totally unproductive drama...
I guess what I need to think about is what do I want for closure...Once I know, I trust Spirit will make way for us to both be vulnerable and for peace and love to happen...
It is way past my bedtime...I loveyou so much Sister...
Clare
The problems are so overwhelming...I get lost in them sometimes.
I agree with you about the news Mom sent. I mentioned it to my psychic neighbor and she confirmed my feelings. So far, I feel numb. I feel lost. I feel like I have to tell my kids to get down and visit one last time. We get there so infrequently...
My neighbor said something intriguing. She said when certain people, people who have hurt us, pass, we get a sense of peace. I am wondering if that is true. I wonder if we release. Or I wonder if it is because we are now connected to a spiritual being.
I remember attending a widow's support group once when I was writing for the paper. One of the women laughed and said no matter how much of a SOB he was when he was alive, once he dies he becomes a saint. That was so curious to me...
But I recently attended a memorial service, where the daughter spoke. She said her mom was an alcoholic when she was a child. But her mom stopped drinking when she became a grandmother. The daughter had a lot of anger and resentment, and she vowed to herself that she would never be one of those people who forgot, and talked about their sainted mother....BUT...she witnessed, she felt, she participated in her mother's spiritual transformation, and she understood who her mother was, as she shed this persona. And she became one with those who forgive and love.
Will that happen for me? Will it be easier to communicate with Dad once he sheds this pain-filled, angry shroud of a person he has been carrying all this lifetime?
I tried to remember when Pop passed. I don't think I perceived him as being the source of pain at that point, so I didn't exactly understand. Not living around Mom and Dad, I don't know if Dad changed or not - once his abuser was gone from this plane.
Do I want to talk to Dad before he passes? I have to think about what I want, what I need. If I need him to say he is sorry, and that he loves me, I know I will not go talk to him. Why take that broken heart into my crone years? What do I want from him? What do I need from him?
Right now it is all melodramatic demands...Did you ever love me kind of bull crap. Or even, did you ever even like me? Totally unproductive drama...
I guess what I need to think about is what do I want for closure...Once I know, I trust Spirit will make way for us to both be vulnerable and for peace and love to happen...
It is way past my bedtime...I loveyou so much Sister...
Clare
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
rambling
Clare,
The 'independent living' counselor is preparing him to move into independent living once he ages out of the foster system. One of the reasons we chose to bring the young man into our home was because of the 'aging out' of the foster system. At 18 they are deemed ready to be adults and turned loose. a large percentage of homeless are aged out foster kids…
no one to care about their well being…
the system did all they could until that magic 18th birthday or high school graduation whichever comes second…
it probably resonates with me because of what Papa Delana used to say to each of us as we were teens…
18 and you're out of here!!!!
When I first offered a home to the young man he refused-politely…
I told him the offer was a standing offer and even if he didn't come until after high school- on college breaks- I'd have a safe place for him. I just wanted to offer a place to belong.
He is fitting in well.
I am trying hard not to 'baby' him…
not to make up for his hardships by buying him stuff…
not to make excuses for poor choices.
It's hard to keep things in perspective, especially with my youngest's recent behaviors.
I am disturbed by mom's email yesterday about Papa Delana…
I am worried that this is serious…
I don't want to be an alarmist, but I have a sense that this is going to lead to his demise.
(I will deny ever predicting that…bad omen)
I do feel that this is going to be a challenge…
and I'm not sure he's really up to it.
He will likely end up with a second tube protruding from his abdomen- draining his urine.
This is going to sound really selfish…
but…
I believe this is my opportunity to right things with him.
I could visit him and talk and clear things up.
I don't know if I have the courage to really talk to him.
I went to the barn this evening. A good friend was there. We talked.
I told her things that are on my mind and she immediately answered me…
directing me…
we stood by the pond and we talked about my youngest…
our father…
and my young man…
each time she gave me direction.
In a way that she's never done before…
very clear…
very direct…
hard to ignore.
I almost saw someone else's face in hers when I looked at her.
She told me to teach again.
She told me to allow my youngest to live and experience, but not hurt himself.
She told me that my young man was in a good space.
I'm still open to help and guidance…
I am full of gratitude for tonight's.
I completed my 6 month, 70 hour course today in Trauma Studies…
It feels good to be finished, but I will miss the weekly stimulation and sharing of ideas.
The director of the MSW Program where I took most of my classes called me last night…
asking me to teach one class in human behavior in the fall…
Monday nights for 3 hours…
it is do-able with my current job.
I am meeting with her next week…
I believe I am going to say yes.
I feel badly having just given up PSU classes, but this is one evening pre week and Masters level students are less needy.
Do you think I'm spreading myself too thin?
The psychiatrist met with husband and I today. She asked us to be consistent and non-negotiating with our punishments. She told us to walk away when he wants to engage in an escalation of emotions. She asked us to be curious as to what works best for him prior to the rage. She told us to call the police if he does run away. She told us that we may precipitate a crisis that ends him in the hospital to make an impression on him- better the hospital than jail was her point.
I have to be clear, consistent, non-negotiating, loving, curious, empathic, and the list goes on and on.
Am I capable of all of that?
He is without a car for the summer…
I will have some control over his mobility.
He is starting football workouts next week…
that should drain his energy a bit…
hopefully sleep better.
I wish he would work more and have less free time on his hands.
I am going to speak with his coach and explain some of what's going on…
maybe he can guide him a bit.
It's going to be an interesting summer…
hold on tight, it's gonna be a wild ride!
She suggested the medication Wellbutrin for depression with the high impulsivity…
I am meeting with my friends this Saturday to discuss establishing Integrate- mind, body, and spirit wholeness…
I am rambling tonight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The 'independent living' counselor is preparing him to move into independent living once he ages out of the foster system. One of the reasons we chose to bring the young man into our home was because of the 'aging out' of the foster system. At 18 they are deemed ready to be adults and turned loose. a large percentage of homeless are aged out foster kids…
no one to care about their well being…
the system did all they could until that magic 18th birthday or high school graduation whichever comes second…
it probably resonates with me because of what Papa Delana used to say to each of us as we were teens…
18 and you're out of here!!!!
When I first offered a home to the young man he refused-politely…
I told him the offer was a standing offer and even if he didn't come until after high school- on college breaks- I'd have a safe place for him. I just wanted to offer a place to belong.
He is fitting in well.
I am trying hard not to 'baby' him…
not to make up for his hardships by buying him stuff…
not to make excuses for poor choices.
It's hard to keep things in perspective, especially with my youngest's recent behaviors.
I am disturbed by mom's email yesterday about Papa Delana…
I am worried that this is serious…
I don't want to be an alarmist, but I have a sense that this is going to lead to his demise.
(I will deny ever predicting that…bad omen)
I do feel that this is going to be a challenge…
and I'm not sure he's really up to it.
He will likely end up with a second tube protruding from his abdomen- draining his urine.
This is going to sound really selfish…
but…
I believe this is my opportunity to right things with him.
I could visit him and talk and clear things up.
I don't know if I have the courage to really talk to him.
I went to the barn this evening. A good friend was there. We talked.
I told her things that are on my mind and she immediately answered me…
directing me…
we stood by the pond and we talked about my youngest…
our father…
and my young man…
each time she gave me direction.
In a way that she's never done before…
very clear…
very direct…
hard to ignore.
I almost saw someone else's face in hers when I looked at her.
She told me to teach again.
She told me to allow my youngest to live and experience, but not hurt himself.
She told me that my young man was in a good space.
I'm still open to help and guidance…
I am full of gratitude for tonight's.
I completed my 6 month, 70 hour course today in Trauma Studies…
It feels good to be finished, but I will miss the weekly stimulation and sharing of ideas.
The director of the MSW Program where I took most of my classes called me last night…
asking me to teach one class in human behavior in the fall…
Monday nights for 3 hours…
it is do-able with my current job.
I am meeting with her next week…
I believe I am going to say yes.
I feel badly having just given up PSU classes, but this is one evening pre week and Masters level students are less needy.
Do you think I'm spreading myself too thin?
The psychiatrist met with husband and I today. She asked us to be consistent and non-negotiating with our punishments. She told us to walk away when he wants to engage in an escalation of emotions. She asked us to be curious as to what works best for him prior to the rage. She told us to call the police if he does run away. She told us that we may precipitate a crisis that ends him in the hospital to make an impression on him- better the hospital than jail was her point.
I have to be clear, consistent, non-negotiating, loving, curious, empathic, and the list goes on and on.
Am I capable of all of that?
He is without a car for the summer…
I will have some control over his mobility.
He is starting football workouts next week…
that should drain his energy a bit…
hopefully sleep better.
I wish he would work more and have less free time on his hands.
I am going to speak with his coach and explain some of what's going on…
maybe he can guide him a bit.
It's going to be an interesting summer…
hold on tight, it's gonna be a wild ride!
She suggested the medication Wellbutrin for depression with the high impulsivity…
I am meeting with my friends this Saturday to discuss establishing Integrate- mind, body, and spirit wholeness…
I am rambling tonight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
love - it's always the answer
Hi Maggie,
I think both you and your son are enjoying the respite from each other. Now he'll spend some time on the beach and get his Vitamin D levels way up, and he'll feel better.
It's exciting that your second knows what she wants to do.
Why is being a foster child considered independent living?
Go to the pond! Say yes to the gift. Which remind me of the sparkly sneakers. We should just ask S#3 to bring them back, and I will try stretching them. My barefeet are just too wide, but the length was fine. Maybe I can get them to fit. If not, my granddaughter tried them on and told me they fit! So if I can't get into them, I will thrill the girl.
Why is your boss in Orlando? Just coincidence?
You asked me what I think. And I have been thinking. I don't know if anyone has the whole answer. we each just get pieces of inspiration...
I have been watching documentaries about the castles of England and Ireland. The history of castles is a history of war and violence and domination. In some of the castles they talked about torture and death and imprisonment. I felt so sad. In one, my reaction was so visceral, I wondered if I had experienced that castle or maybe that punishment.
It started out saying that castles are the signs of domination, of royalty battling itself. Yet these royals took thousands and thousands of healthy young sons and husbands and pressed them into wars that lead to enrichment of those in power.
I have been thinking about some of the world leaders we can see who are the same, the same people, the same tribe. They are completely engrossed in accumulating power, by way of riches, even at the expense of killing the planet. If we can hate each other, and in our bloody rage, miss them - then success. We will particpate in our own demise, fueled by our own hate.
It has worked for millennia. We are taught to hate those who are different. Different religion - kill them. Think about all the blood that was shed over whether the bread at communion is divine or symbolic. What is wrong with us? Christian? Hate Jews? Jewish? Hate Muslim. Muslim? Hate Christian. God will love you if you kill His enemy. And God forbid if your sexuality is not like mine...
Just had a thought. If God impregnaned Mary without her consent, does that mean that this is a God whose sexuality is rape. That only rape is condoned?
Frightening...
As long as we can fuel fear of difference and hatred, those in power ride that, and stay in power, and can continue to rape the planet.
I thought about royal families, about the inherent violence in those families. Knowing that violation from an early age destroys humanity, I wonder what they endured to become the monsters we can sort of see if we look today.
Maybe the answer is to love them. To lovingly look at them for what and who they are. To strip them of their monsters and love each layer, to accept, to soothe, to Lighten.
Violence is never the answer. Love is always the answer...
Then the nasty thoughts creep in...what if loving them, sending empathy and Light, what if that shattered their souls and they could not survive on the planet...
Weird sister mind at work once again...
The baby has been running a low grade fever for the last three days. She hasn't been sick, but she has been off. So, I haven't been here much...
Love and hugs from Clare
I think both you and your son are enjoying the respite from each other. Now he'll spend some time on the beach and get his Vitamin D levels way up, and he'll feel better.
It's exciting that your second knows what she wants to do.
Why is being a foster child considered independent living?
Go to the pond! Say yes to the gift. Which remind me of the sparkly sneakers. We should just ask S#3 to bring them back, and I will try stretching them. My barefeet are just too wide, but the length was fine. Maybe I can get them to fit. If not, my granddaughter tried them on and told me they fit! So if I can't get into them, I will thrill the girl.
Why is your boss in Orlando? Just coincidence?
You asked me what I think. And I have been thinking. I don't know if anyone has the whole answer. we each just get pieces of inspiration...
I have been watching documentaries about the castles of England and Ireland. The history of castles is a history of war and violence and domination. In some of the castles they talked about torture and death and imprisonment. I felt so sad. In one, my reaction was so visceral, I wondered if I had experienced that castle or maybe that punishment.
It started out saying that castles are the signs of domination, of royalty battling itself. Yet these royals took thousands and thousands of healthy young sons and husbands and pressed them into wars that lead to enrichment of those in power.
I have been thinking about some of the world leaders we can see who are the same, the same people, the same tribe. They are completely engrossed in accumulating power, by way of riches, even at the expense of killing the planet. If we can hate each other, and in our bloody rage, miss them - then success. We will particpate in our own demise, fueled by our own hate.
It has worked for millennia. We are taught to hate those who are different. Different religion - kill them. Think about all the blood that was shed over whether the bread at communion is divine or symbolic. What is wrong with us? Christian? Hate Jews? Jewish? Hate Muslim. Muslim? Hate Christian. God will love you if you kill His enemy. And God forbid if your sexuality is not like mine...
Just had a thought. If God impregnaned Mary without her consent, does that mean that this is a God whose sexuality is rape. That only rape is condoned?
Frightening...
As long as we can fuel fear of difference and hatred, those in power ride that, and stay in power, and can continue to rape the planet.
I thought about royal families, about the inherent violence in those families. Knowing that violation from an early age destroys humanity, I wonder what they endured to become the monsters we can sort of see if we look today.
Maybe the answer is to love them. To lovingly look at them for what and who they are. To strip them of their monsters and love each layer, to accept, to soothe, to Lighten.
Violence is never the answer. Love is always the answer...
Then the nasty thoughts creep in...what if loving them, sending empathy and Light, what if that shattered their souls and they could not survive on the planet...
Weird sister mind at work once again...
The baby has been running a low grade fever for the last three days. She hasn't been sick, but she has been off. So, I haven't been here much...
Love and hugs from Clare
guidance and help
Clare,
I am in such a better space than last week…
Having a few days away from my youngest's anger has been a blessing.
According to his sister he is resting and at ease as well on the island….
no missed curfew…
no drugs…
no disrespect…
peaceful.
I'm not sure what switched on/off for him…
but I am thankful it did.
I am still stress eating…
I have to stop eating sugar and fat, but feel as if I need it…
stress…
PMS…
tough times…
a perfect storm!
Today I took my young man to the bank to open an account…
he got a haircut…
he paid a portion of a debt he owes…
and we met with his 'independent living' counselor…
the man was impressed by his responsibility and hard work.
He will be seeing him once a month or more.
My young man has a lot of support…
he has a mentor who takes him out once a week…
an independent living counselor…
his CYS worker…
his Nana and her family…
an us.
I think he's in a good space.
So, I still haven't gotten over to the pond. I wonder if I am avoiding it because I'm afraid of what I will experience. I have to go…
I'm so intrigued.
But, what if it's too much?
What if I cannot do what is asked?
Guidance and help…
ask for guidance and help…
that's the message…
just ask…
and remain open.
Guidance and help.
My second daughter is applying for Masters programs in education. She has found several jobs teaching theater in charter schools, but they require a teaching certificate and the only way to a certificate is through a MEd at this point. So next fall I will have 2 in grad school and one in culinary school…2 in high school…and eventually one last kiddo in middle school. Will it ever end?
Life is never dull…
or unchallenging.
I hope that you are well, and your granddaughter is too.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am in such a better space than last week…
Having a few days away from my youngest's anger has been a blessing.
According to his sister he is resting and at ease as well on the island….
no missed curfew…
no drugs…
no disrespect…
peaceful.
I'm not sure what switched on/off for him…
but I am thankful it did.
I am still stress eating…
I have to stop eating sugar and fat, but feel as if I need it…
stress…
PMS…
tough times…
a perfect storm!
Today I took my young man to the bank to open an account…
he got a haircut…
he paid a portion of a debt he owes…
and we met with his 'independent living' counselor…
the man was impressed by his responsibility and hard work.
He will be seeing him once a month or more.
My young man has a lot of support…
he has a mentor who takes him out once a week…
an independent living counselor…
his CYS worker…
his Nana and her family…
an us.
I think he's in a good space.
So, I still haven't gotten over to the pond. I wonder if I am avoiding it because I'm afraid of what I will experience. I have to go…
I'm so intrigued.
But, what if it's too much?
What if I cannot do what is asked?
Guidance and help…
ask for guidance and help…
that's the message…
just ask…
and remain open.
Guidance and help.
My second daughter is applying for Masters programs in education. She has found several jobs teaching theater in charter schools, but they require a teaching certificate and the only way to a certificate is through a MEd at this point. So next fall I will have 2 in grad school and one in culinary school…2 in high school…and eventually one last kiddo in middle school. Will it ever end?
Life is never dull…
or unchallenging.
I hope that you are well, and your granddaughter is too.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, June 12, 2016
exhausted…again
Clare,
It sounds like you are at a good spot…
time for weeding.
We ares till mulching. It is a never ending process here. I have to focus and get it finished this week. I took most of last week off because I had a 3 day headache…
neck and upper back strain from mulching.
We had our Quaker annual picnic today. It was great- many people who don't a regularly show up.
When I got home I heard a tree breaking from the car port…
I walked down into the lower yard and a large limb was broken and partially on the ground. Husband was further down in the yard emptying a wheelbarrow, but had been working under that limb just minutes before. All is well and we have more wood for our chiminea.
We had to negotiate the rules with our youngest this morning before they could leave for the island. He is strong willed, but can see logic when he's not stressed out. He seemed to be processing what we were saying and agreed on the rules for the week.
You asked if he has trouble in the winter- yes he does. I have been journaling since 2008 and there is a pattern, year ofter year, of struggling through the late winter and spring. He is generally ok until after the holidays and then it kicks in.
I am exhausted this evening. I did mulch and mow for 3 hours today, but I think this is allowing myself to feel tired after this past week. I hope I sleep well tonight.
My boss is in Orlando this week, at Disney. I don't have a specific schedule to follow, but am trying to get into the office early and home in the early afternoon. I may go back in late in the afternoon to check messages and email. It should be a good week.
The events in Orlando are unbelievable…
or unfortunately too believable.
What a sick, isolated world we live in.
What a world.
"Be the change you wish to see"…
what does that look like in this case?
love, forgiveness, wiping the memory clean, acceptance, vigilance, pacifism???
Where are we to turn?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It sounds like you are at a good spot…
time for weeding.
We ares till mulching. It is a never ending process here. I have to focus and get it finished this week. I took most of last week off because I had a 3 day headache…
neck and upper back strain from mulching.
We had our Quaker annual picnic today. It was great- many people who don't a regularly show up.
When I got home I heard a tree breaking from the car port…
I walked down into the lower yard and a large limb was broken and partially on the ground. Husband was further down in the yard emptying a wheelbarrow, but had been working under that limb just minutes before. All is well and we have more wood for our chiminea.
We had to negotiate the rules with our youngest this morning before they could leave for the island. He is strong willed, but can see logic when he's not stressed out. He seemed to be processing what we were saying and agreed on the rules for the week.
You asked if he has trouble in the winter- yes he does. I have been journaling since 2008 and there is a pattern, year ofter year, of struggling through the late winter and spring. He is generally ok until after the holidays and then it kicks in.
I am exhausted this evening. I did mulch and mow for 3 hours today, but I think this is allowing myself to feel tired after this past week. I hope I sleep well tonight.
My boss is in Orlando this week, at Disney. I don't have a specific schedule to follow, but am trying to get into the office early and home in the early afternoon. I may go back in late in the afternoon to check messages and email. It should be a good week.
The events in Orlando are unbelievable…
or unfortunately too believable.
What a sick, isolated world we live in.
What a world.
"Be the change you wish to see"…
what does that look like in this case?
love, forgiveness, wiping the memory clean, acceptance, vigilance, pacifism???
Where are we to turn?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
unprofound
Hi Maggie,
At least, at last, there is calm. And there is a diagnosis of sorts. Have you noticed that he has a harder time in the winter?
I think letting him go away with his sister is a good idea. You are all family together. And he most likely has a different relationship with her. And you need a break. This should not be on you alone.
I like hearing that you are finding your way with the younger brother.
I had my granddaughter overnight, and she was not feeling well. She seemed to be running a low grade fever on and off. Today she slept a lot and I noticed her breath has that off-smell that means she is going to be sick. So I did not get a lot done. I had people here for dinner, and didn't manage to get cleaned up as much as I hoped.
So I am tired and overfed-logy, and not thinking profound thoughts.
But my youngest son and my youngest's boy went and got me a truckload of manure. Now I can go mulch my tomatoes! And peppers.
I have my veggies in. Now I need to weed out the overgrowth of Japanese knotweed in the front. And we desperately need rain...
That is where my mind is today.
Sending love and hugs///Clare
At least, at last, there is calm. And there is a diagnosis of sorts. Have you noticed that he has a harder time in the winter?
I think letting him go away with his sister is a good idea. You are all family together. And he most likely has a different relationship with her. And you need a break. This should not be on you alone.
I like hearing that you are finding your way with the younger brother.
I had my granddaughter overnight, and she was not feeling well. She seemed to be running a low grade fever on and off. Today she slept a lot and I noticed her breath has that off-smell that means she is going to be sick. So I did not get a lot done. I had people here for dinner, and didn't manage to get cleaned up as much as I hoped.
So I am tired and overfed-logy, and not thinking profound thoughts.
But my youngest son and my youngest's boy went and got me a truckload of manure. Now I can go mulch my tomatoes! And peppers.
I have my veggies in. Now I need to weed out the overgrowth of Japanese knotweed in the front. And we desperately need rain...
That is where my mind is today.
Sending love and hugs///Clare
Saturday, June 11, 2016
calm…after the storm
Hi Clare,
We saw the psychiatrist. She told us that she feels he has major depressive disorder- in the winter- which is seasonal affective disorder or recurrent depression depending upon the way you want to diagnose it. She also talked about his anxiety and impulsivity which also goes along with the depression of you want to make one, clean diagnosis.
He refused medications. He refused non pharmaceutical interventions at this point. He will reconsider in the fall if he feels he needs something.
The events kept unraveling in a whirling way until Friday afternoon when he literally broke his iPhone by bending it in half, cutting his palms. He became calm and compliant after that. I don't know if it was the destruction of something he valued or the cutting of his skin. He is back to hugging, saying he loves us, and talking with us….
actually conversing...
a total 180 shift.
His oldest sister saw that our NC house is open and she offered to take him down for 5 days. So they are going to a quiet space, just the 2 of them. They are off at 9 am tomorrow morning. I am feeling fairly guilty for sending him with his sister- like I'm ditching my responsibilities- but they both seem to be excited about it. Please hold them in the Light that this is a calming, unifying trip and not another challenge.
I'm sorry that I do not remember your previous post about your daughter. I have been incredibly distracted in life. I am happy for her. It is interesting, seeing her become a mother in her 30s.
She will be great. You will be a great support to her and the baby- what a lucky baby.
I had the younger young man here today. I told him that I really want to get to know him better. I suggested that we spend 1 hour together for every 1 hour of video games he plays. He was willing to try…
even offering to do more if I needed his help.
He helped me shop for groceries.
He helped me make corn chowder.
He played basketball with his older brother.
He helped husband work on a retaining wall for a garden.
He seemed happier than usual.
I think I've found an avenue in with this young one.
I've been asking his mother for guidance.
My garden is growing lettuce and herbs so far. My tomato plants are still small. I asked the young men to pick plants at the nursery and we chose decorative corn, watermelon, zucchini, tomatoes, and my herb garden.
I didn't get to the pond yesterday. I wanted my youngest to go along, he had different ideas.
I am trying to get there tomorrow afternoon. I've been asking for guidance and help through today…
asking to remain open to it. I really want it to come.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We saw the psychiatrist. She told us that she feels he has major depressive disorder- in the winter- which is seasonal affective disorder or recurrent depression depending upon the way you want to diagnose it. She also talked about his anxiety and impulsivity which also goes along with the depression of you want to make one, clean diagnosis.
He refused medications. He refused non pharmaceutical interventions at this point. He will reconsider in the fall if he feels he needs something.
The events kept unraveling in a whirling way until Friday afternoon when he literally broke his iPhone by bending it in half, cutting his palms. He became calm and compliant after that. I don't know if it was the destruction of something he valued or the cutting of his skin. He is back to hugging, saying he loves us, and talking with us….
actually conversing...
a total 180 shift.
His oldest sister saw that our NC house is open and she offered to take him down for 5 days. So they are going to a quiet space, just the 2 of them. They are off at 9 am tomorrow morning. I am feeling fairly guilty for sending him with his sister- like I'm ditching my responsibilities- but they both seem to be excited about it. Please hold them in the Light that this is a calming, unifying trip and not another challenge.
I'm sorry that I do not remember your previous post about your daughter. I have been incredibly distracted in life. I am happy for her. It is interesting, seeing her become a mother in her 30s.
She will be great. You will be a great support to her and the baby- what a lucky baby.
I had the younger young man here today. I told him that I really want to get to know him better. I suggested that we spend 1 hour together for every 1 hour of video games he plays. He was willing to try…
even offering to do more if I needed his help.
He helped me shop for groceries.
He helped me make corn chowder.
He played basketball with his older brother.
He helped husband work on a retaining wall for a garden.
He seemed happier than usual.
I think I've found an avenue in with this young one.
I've been asking his mother for guidance.
My garden is growing lettuce and herbs so far. My tomato plants are still small. I asked the young men to pick plants at the nursery and we chose decorative corn, watermelon, zucchini, tomatoes, and my herb garden.
I didn't get to the pond yesterday. I wanted my youngest to go along, he had different ideas.
I am trying to get there tomorrow afternoon. I've been asking for guidance and help through today…
asking to remain open to it. I really want it to come.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I know you do...
Good morning Mags...
Did your son get to see a psychiatrist? What you just described sounds manic to the nth degree. Do you think he is bipolar? What are the consequences for him? Does he just get to behave that way, and when the episode is over, everything is back to normal? Does he think what happened is normal - even remotely in the range of normal?
I found it interesting that he could calm himself down to see if he hurt you yet, and when you said no, he could move back into bullying rant. Does he do this at school? Does he do this at work? Does he do this to friends? If not, then he can control it. He chooses to do this to you and your husband. Are you the safe place? He knows you will love him and never reject him and so he discharges pain on you...Or is he just a classic bully?
I still think something violent happened to him, and his brother. Asking them and accepting their no does not remove that possibility, that potential truth.
When my kids told me they hated me, and every single one did, my response was always. "I know you do." Because I knew they did...at that moment they truly hated me.
So I went back through the blog, because I mentioned that my oldest was going to have a baby at the beginning of May. You were among the first to be "told". When I told my kids I was starting this blog, years ago, everyone acknowledged it, and my oldest simply asked that it not be about them. So I have tried to focus on my issues, and not draw a lot of my kids' issues in - even though theirs is caused by mine. And so the news was subtle, but it was there.
I rewatched an old favorite film last night. It is Always, a Spielberg film. It is similar to the more mainstream, popular Ghost, but made with kindness and love rather than the judgmental hellfire BS in the second film. In the end the character says, "The love we hold back is the only love that hurts."
It is such a beautiful line. I have been playing with it, thinking about being afraid to reach out, being afraid of rejection - my classic not good enough hiding place. I was thinking about waiting for others to want me, to ask me, before flowing in...I guess I have been thinking about regret.
It doesn't help to think about it if I wallow in it. The point it to learn and do something different! So I am thinking...always thinking.
Today's plan - go get the last of the seedlings I need - Brussels sprouts, winter squash, a few melons, and more flowers. There are never enough flowers!
Love and hugs and shoulders and whatever else you need...
Clare
Did your son get to see a psychiatrist? What you just described sounds manic to the nth degree. Do you think he is bipolar? What are the consequences for him? Does he just get to behave that way, and when the episode is over, everything is back to normal? Does he think what happened is normal - even remotely in the range of normal?
I found it interesting that he could calm himself down to see if he hurt you yet, and when you said no, he could move back into bullying rant. Does he do this at school? Does he do this at work? Does he do this to friends? If not, then he can control it. He chooses to do this to you and your husband. Are you the safe place? He knows you will love him and never reject him and so he discharges pain on you...Or is he just a classic bully?
I still think something violent happened to him, and his brother. Asking them and accepting their no does not remove that possibility, that potential truth.
When my kids told me they hated me, and every single one did, my response was always. "I know you do." Because I knew they did...at that moment they truly hated me.
So I went back through the blog, because I mentioned that my oldest was going to have a baby at the beginning of May. You were among the first to be "told". When I told my kids I was starting this blog, years ago, everyone acknowledged it, and my oldest simply asked that it not be about them. So I have tried to focus on my issues, and not draw a lot of my kids' issues in - even though theirs is caused by mine. And so the news was subtle, but it was there.
I rewatched an old favorite film last night. It is Always, a Spielberg film. It is similar to the more mainstream, popular Ghost, but made with kindness and love rather than the judgmental hellfire BS in the second film. In the end the character says, "The love we hold back is the only love that hurts."
It is such a beautiful line. I have been playing with it, thinking about being afraid to reach out, being afraid of rejection - my classic not good enough hiding place. I was thinking about waiting for others to want me, to ask me, before flowing in...I guess I have been thinking about regret.
It doesn't help to think about it if I wallow in it. The point it to learn and do something different! So I am thinking...always thinking.
Today's plan - go get the last of the seedlings I need - Brussels sprouts, winter squash, a few melons, and more flowers. There are never enough flowers!
Love and hugs and shoulders and whatever else you need...
Clare
Friday, June 10, 2016
birthing day x 2
Clare,
We are at a quiet impasse right now.
The previous two days were so full of drama I am questioning if they are real or not.
Incessant ranting and raging…
openly defiant…
hateful abuse patterns.
2 days of terror- inside of him.
Taunting and cursing at us to prevent us from sleeping.
Defiantly saying every curse word he has ever known.
Hours and hours of energy expended.
I took him to a reiki appointment and he berated me the whole drive (2 miles) and tried to exit the moving vehicle. I thought about your previous comment about allowing myself to remain in an abusive space and refused to pick him up. He was furious, but got a ride home. I told him I refuse to allow myself to be abused.
I told him a lot of things…
"I love you enough for the both of us" kept coming up with his stinging sarcastic "I hate you".
I also let him rant without comment…
I remained calm, but not passive. At one point he asked how hurt I was feeling- I offered him my wrist and told him to "check my pulse" I was calm and responding. I was trying to mirror mood modulation and coping skills for him- and my oldest and young man who were witnesses to this rant.
It is calmer today.
I just had a massage and a spirit guide came into the room. His name was kruzschev (phonetic). He told me to ask for help and guidance. I told him I have been but cannot seem to find any. He told me to go and gaze into the water at my own reflection and I will find help there. I think it was my youngest's guide…not mine. I am off to sit by the pond at my horse barn and see if I find help.
The good thing about yesterday was that I was stuck at home monitoring the situation and got a lot of cleaning done…I channeled my stress into cleaning.
I only "kind of heard" that your oldest was pregnant. S#3 knew at your party and told me, but your oldest didn't talk to me about it. Congratulations on another grand baby.
My garden is not doing great. I weeded it yesterday- hopefully cleaning it up will allow the vegetables to grow well.
Happy birthing day x 2 sister.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
We are at a quiet impasse right now.
The previous two days were so full of drama I am questioning if they are real or not.
Incessant ranting and raging…
openly defiant…
hateful abuse patterns.
2 days of terror- inside of him.
Taunting and cursing at us to prevent us from sleeping.
Defiantly saying every curse word he has ever known.
Hours and hours of energy expended.
I took him to a reiki appointment and he berated me the whole drive (2 miles) and tried to exit the moving vehicle. I thought about your previous comment about allowing myself to remain in an abusive space and refused to pick him up. He was furious, but got a ride home. I told him I refuse to allow myself to be abused.
I told him a lot of things…
"I love you enough for the both of us" kept coming up with his stinging sarcastic "I hate you".
I also let him rant without comment…
I remained calm, but not passive. At one point he asked how hurt I was feeling- I offered him my wrist and told him to "check my pulse" I was calm and responding. I was trying to mirror mood modulation and coping skills for him- and my oldest and young man who were witnesses to this rant.
It is calmer today.
I just had a massage and a spirit guide came into the room. His name was kruzschev (phonetic). He told me to ask for help and guidance. I told him I have been but cannot seem to find any. He told me to go and gaze into the water at my own reflection and I will find help there. I think it was my youngest's guide…not mine. I am off to sit by the pond at my horse barn and see if I find help.
The good thing about yesterday was that I was stuck at home monitoring the situation and got a lot of cleaning done…I channeled my stress into cleaning.
I only "kind of heard" that your oldest was pregnant. S#3 knew at your party and told me, but your oldest didn't talk to me about it. Congratulations on another grand baby.
My garden is not doing great. I weeded it yesterday- hopefully cleaning it up will allow the vegetables to grow well.
Happy birthing day x 2 sister.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, June 9, 2016
gardening...warring...birthing
Hi Maggie,
How are you? Feeling any better- both physically and psychologically?
I have been having my ups and downs. Yesterday the internet and phone lines went down before I finished my reports for work. I called the company and they said it might be the next morning before they got out here. That would mean I would miss work. I pulled my desk away from the wall, and swept all the things that hide there out into the middle of the room-just in case. I heard a car door...looked out the window and saw my ex standing in my driveway. The words that mumbled and muttered out of my mouth were not nice...I took a breath, fixed a smile, and I went to greet him and he asked if I had received his email...
He wanted to wait for our oldest to be done with work, and so he decided to come see whichever grandchildren I might have with me. So we took him down through the woods, to the creek. I knew she would get excited and he would see the best of her.
They got the internet fixed. I checked his email. One sentence - do you have both of the grandkids today? He came back later, with our oldest - and I asked him if there was a secret message there I was supposed to understand...
Some afternoon...
Then last evening I called my daughter-in-law to see when she was available for a June birthday girl cluster birthday. We have four birthdays between June 4 and June 13, followed closely by my oldest grandson on June 17. My daughter-in-law said she would prefer not to do that this year. My youngest son's girlfriend has a heavy work schedule and asked me not to schedule around her. I was feeling a bit dejected and rejected and out of the loop - wondering if I was the only one who enjoyed the dinners and if I was inflicting them on everyone.
Still wondering...
Some days I feel clueless, and I like I get everything wrong...I feel like I try so hard not to be my mother-in-law, that I go way too far in the other direction...and it is a mistake...
My daughter-in-law popped up for a few minutes to drop off garden excess...(she is one of the most amazing gardeners ever)...I tried to explain my fears, and she says I don't seem behave or appear to be what I think I seem to be...And when I asked my youngest son's girlfriend if they wanted to come to dinner another time...she said they would love to...so maybe I am beating myself up...
I almost have the veggie garden in. I think I'm actually going to have a garden this year. I bought a small wading pool, and we made a toddler beach near the garden, and so she is entertained playing with water, while I get stuff done.
Talking with my oldest, we're thinking about how I am going to support her when hers is born...Being important to these grandchildren is beyond important to me.
I have been watching a documentary series about the castles of Ireland. In the first episode, they explained that all the castles were from one set of guys - the Normans. These are the soldiers who came to the Isles with William the Conqueror...our ancestor was one of them. About 100 years after the Conqueror, their descendants invaded Ireland, attacking Viking strongholds, and also massacring the Irish. These are three of our lines...
I was thinking about all of this generational warring existing inside of us. No wonder we are so screwed up!
It has been fascinating so far. They tell a story, and I relate it to some of the stories I have heard from family members no longer with us.
So tolday is my girl day. Both of my daughters were born today. My daughter-in-lawhugged me and said, "Happy Birthing Day."\
\
That's always been my line!
Love and hugs from Clare
How are you? Feeling any better- both physically and psychologically?
I have been having my ups and downs. Yesterday the internet and phone lines went down before I finished my reports for work. I called the company and they said it might be the next morning before they got out here. That would mean I would miss work. I pulled my desk away from the wall, and swept all the things that hide there out into the middle of the room-just in case. I heard a car door...looked out the window and saw my ex standing in my driveway. The words that mumbled and muttered out of my mouth were not nice...I took a breath, fixed a smile, and I went to greet him and he asked if I had received his email...
He wanted to wait for our oldest to be done with work, and so he decided to come see whichever grandchildren I might have with me. So we took him down through the woods, to the creek. I knew she would get excited and he would see the best of her.
They got the internet fixed. I checked his email. One sentence - do you have both of the grandkids today? He came back later, with our oldest - and I asked him if there was a secret message there I was supposed to understand...
Some afternoon...
Then last evening I called my daughter-in-law to see when she was available for a June birthday girl cluster birthday. We have four birthdays between June 4 and June 13, followed closely by my oldest grandson on June 17. My daughter-in-law said she would prefer not to do that this year. My youngest son's girlfriend has a heavy work schedule and asked me not to schedule around her. I was feeling a bit dejected and rejected and out of the loop - wondering if I was the only one who enjoyed the dinners and if I was inflicting them on everyone.
Still wondering...
Some days I feel clueless, and I like I get everything wrong...I feel like I try so hard not to be my mother-in-law, that I go way too far in the other direction...and it is a mistake...
My daughter-in-law popped up for a few minutes to drop off garden excess...(she is one of the most amazing gardeners ever)...I tried to explain my fears, and she says I don't seem behave or appear to be what I think I seem to be...And when I asked my youngest son's girlfriend if they wanted to come to dinner another time...she said they would love to...so maybe I am beating myself up...
I almost have the veggie garden in. I think I'm actually going to have a garden this year. I bought a small wading pool, and we made a toddler beach near the garden, and so she is entertained playing with water, while I get stuff done.
Talking with my oldest, we're thinking about how I am going to support her when hers is born...Being important to these grandchildren is beyond important to me.
I have been watching a documentary series about the castles of Ireland. In the first episode, they explained that all the castles were from one set of guys - the Normans. These are the soldiers who came to the Isles with William the Conqueror...our ancestor was one of them. About 100 years after the Conqueror, their descendants invaded Ireland, attacking Viking strongholds, and also massacring the Irish. These are three of our lines...
I was thinking about all of this generational warring existing inside of us. No wonder we are so screwed up!
It has been fascinating so far. They tell a story, and I relate it to some of the stories I have heard from family members no longer with us.
So tolday is my girl day. Both of my daughters were born today. My daughter-in-lawhugged me and said, "Happy Birthing Day."\
\
That's always been my line!
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
impractical vacation
Clare,
I'm coming off a 3 day headache…
less pain but still in a fog.
I am really short tempered…
probably PMSing.
Anyway my youngest is pushing hard…
cursing at me…
threatening to not come home.
We keep cycling…
he comes back to the derogatory, insulting kid every two or three days.
His car needs to be serviced so he cannot drive right now…
talk about poor timing.
He is just so tense…
but it makes me even more tense.
Tomorrow we visit the psychiatrist to see what her recommendations are. I am anxiously awaiting her impressions. I hope that she can get us all to 'buy into' her evaluation and recommendations. I'm worried that he is going to hurt himself or another person before he grows up.
I am a worrier.
I am also a warrior…
So I am still in a power struggle at work…
not really a power struggle…
more like my boss doesn't want to give up her turf- but she really wants to retire.
I am so confused about how to work without criticism…
she is critical each time I suggest or do something…
and then eventually decides it is a good idea.
I hate this uncertainty.
I just want to do my job and find some satisfaction.
I am asking the young men's mother to help me to connect. I know it's going to be an effort to build the trust and relationship. I just wish I had a foothold.
I realized yesterday that it is too late to return/exchange your gold birthday shoes. S#3 has not yet brought them to me. She hasn't communicated with me since your party. I texted her last night and she was apologetic that she hadn't gotten them to me. I have to figure out an alternative plan. I'll keep you posted. Sorry.
I need a vacation…
a serious time away by myself…
meditation…
exercise…
organic food…
good wine…
adequate sleep.
It sounds wonderful…
but not practical.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm coming off a 3 day headache…
less pain but still in a fog.
I am really short tempered…
probably PMSing.
Anyway my youngest is pushing hard…
cursing at me…
threatening to not come home.
We keep cycling…
he comes back to the derogatory, insulting kid every two or three days.
His car needs to be serviced so he cannot drive right now…
talk about poor timing.
He is just so tense…
but it makes me even more tense.
Tomorrow we visit the psychiatrist to see what her recommendations are. I am anxiously awaiting her impressions. I hope that she can get us all to 'buy into' her evaluation and recommendations. I'm worried that he is going to hurt himself or another person before he grows up.
I am a worrier.
I am also a warrior…
So I am still in a power struggle at work…
not really a power struggle…
more like my boss doesn't want to give up her turf- but she really wants to retire.
I am so confused about how to work without criticism…
she is critical each time I suggest or do something…
and then eventually decides it is a good idea.
I hate this uncertainty.
I just want to do my job and find some satisfaction.
I am asking the young men's mother to help me to connect. I know it's going to be an effort to build the trust and relationship. I just wish I had a foothold.
I realized yesterday that it is too late to return/exchange your gold birthday shoes. S#3 has not yet brought them to me. She hasn't communicated with me since your party. I texted her last night and she was apologetic that she hadn't gotten them to me. I have to figure out an alternative plan. I'll keep you posted. Sorry.
I need a vacation…
a serious time away by myself…
meditation…
exercise…
organic food…
good wine…
adequate sleep.
It sounds wonderful…
but not practical.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, June 6, 2016
anxious mom
Clare,
I like the image of the birthing…
That makes sense to me.
Patience and looking at the big picture of growth and development.
But, these battles are driving me crazy.
We were officially approved as foster parents…
we received the letter today.
I wonder how they would have told our young man if we weren't approved…
that would be devastating.
They had all of our paper work before he was released to us…
but it was unofficial.
Our court date is next Monday….
then he will be assigned to our house.
I am a little anxious at times…
knowing he's not officially court ordered to be here…
"what ifs"haunt me every time there's a decision to be made.
I took him to the neighboring town today…
where his high school is located…
to play with friends.
On the way I admitted to him that I was anxious about leaving him there. It felt like leaving my toddler at their first preschool or playdate. I explained it wasn't him…
just my reaction to the situation.
He did fine…
it was all fine…
I have to get used to this.
I don't want to screw any of this up.
I like the idea of asking the young men's mother for guidance. I've been doing that in a round-about way. I ask her to help me speak to them in a way that will connect. I haven't sensed anything yet, but it may be working quietly.
I have been gardening…
both vegetables and perennials…
I'm mulching and planting and transplanting…
it makes me happy.
The one thing that's not so nice is that my neck and shoulders go into spasm very easily.
I'm hurting right now.
This too shall pass.
I had an oncology appointment today.
All is well.
Return visit in one year!
Yeah!
I am having some revision surgery done in August to remove some scar tissue and fatty deposits around the lady lumps. I agreed to a revision if he could do it under local with sedation. I hate the aftereffects of general anesthesia…
it takes me a week to get over that.
I'm having it done the week after our vacation…
hopefully I will do well…
no complications…
right back to work the next day…
or maybe the day after that.
Anyway, enjoy this beautiful weather.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I like the image of the birthing…
That makes sense to me.
Patience and looking at the big picture of growth and development.
But, these battles are driving me crazy.
We were officially approved as foster parents…
we received the letter today.
I wonder how they would have told our young man if we weren't approved…
that would be devastating.
They had all of our paper work before he was released to us…
but it was unofficial.
Our court date is next Monday….
then he will be assigned to our house.
I am a little anxious at times…
knowing he's not officially court ordered to be here…
"what ifs"haunt me every time there's a decision to be made.
I took him to the neighboring town today…
where his high school is located…
to play with friends.
On the way I admitted to him that I was anxious about leaving him there. It felt like leaving my toddler at their first preschool or playdate. I explained it wasn't him…
just my reaction to the situation.
He did fine…
it was all fine…
I have to get used to this.
I don't want to screw any of this up.
I like the idea of asking the young men's mother for guidance. I've been doing that in a round-about way. I ask her to help me speak to them in a way that will connect. I haven't sensed anything yet, but it may be working quietly.
I have been gardening…
both vegetables and perennials…
I'm mulching and planting and transplanting…
it makes me happy.
The one thing that's not so nice is that my neck and shoulders go into spasm very easily.
I'm hurting right now.
This too shall pass.
I had an oncology appointment today.
All is well.
Return visit in one year!
Yeah!
I am having some revision surgery done in August to remove some scar tissue and fatty deposits around the lady lumps. I agreed to a revision if he could do it under local with sedation. I hate the aftereffects of general anesthesia…
it takes me a week to get over that.
I'm having it done the week after our vacation…
hopefully I will do well…
no complications…
right back to work the next day…
or maybe the day after that.
Anyway, enjoy this beautiful weather.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Saturday, June 4, 2016
go green
Good morning Maggie,
Sometimes I wonder if we are ever done birthing. Remember the two steps forward, one step back, of physically getting them through the birth canal? It seems to describe your ongoing relationship with your youngest. (It seems to describe our relationships with all of our kids...) He seems to have great moments of clarity and awareness, followed by a backslide into fear and anger. But each clear moment takes him a little closer to adulthood and balance.
I remember being his age. Emotions are so much bigger, harder to handle.
With the younger of the two new sons, don't let him escape alone without attachment. You seem to have built your umbilical cord with the older one. Now you have to do the same with the next. I wonder if you could ask their bio-mom for help. I wonder if you could ask your healer for some direction on that...
I have actually been getting time in the garden for the first time in years. It feels so right. It consumes my mind, in a healthy way. I have so much fun laying out possible beds - what veggies would grow together well, what veggies do I really like to eat...Very creative pursuit on so many levels. And it gives me time to think.
My mind went off on a new tangent this week. I was reading about quantum computers with someone, trying to understand. The person I was talking to said computers work, now, with the binary system. They are 1 or 0, they are on or off. Quantum is when it is both at once.
I suddenly wondered if it is possible to be a quantum human...
I have been playing in this idea of renumbering the chakras, completely understanding that #1 is in the feet, and #2 is in the knees. I never understood how two feet vibrate to the frequency of one. Then, quantum human, I understood, we step with one foot at a time...we are here, we are unique but we are also part of humanity. In the beginning, we have to be one at a time - individual or part of the clan. As we evolve up through our being, knees teach flexibility. I wonder if, as we get older and more set in our ways, more opinionated, more sure we are correct - I wonder if this is why our knees get stiff.
But as we reach the third chakra, we learn to be both...we can be individual and part of the tribe.
This is all about the changes we are going through...and I really seeing us splitting. Some people are more fearless, and willing to go forward, out of the yellow "will" chakra. Others are afraid there is not enough, and clinging to the yellow chakra for dear life.
Know what gives me hope? Jose Mujica of Uruguay. Pope Francis. Justin Trudeau of Canada.
Know what frightens me? What is happening in Poland.
And the US is in the balance...we could go either way...forward into the green chakra, or drown in the yellow...
Sending love and hugs...
Clare
Sometimes I wonder if we are ever done birthing. Remember the two steps forward, one step back, of physically getting them through the birth canal? It seems to describe your ongoing relationship with your youngest. (It seems to describe our relationships with all of our kids...) He seems to have great moments of clarity and awareness, followed by a backslide into fear and anger. But each clear moment takes him a little closer to adulthood and balance.
I remember being his age. Emotions are so much bigger, harder to handle.
With the younger of the two new sons, don't let him escape alone without attachment. You seem to have built your umbilical cord with the older one. Now you have to do the same with the next. I wonder if you could ask their bio-mom for help. I wonder if you could ask your healer for some direction on that...
I have actually been getting time in the garden for the first time in years. It feels so right. It consumes my mind, in a healthy way. I have so much fun laying out possible beds - what veggies would grow together well, what veggies do I really like to eat...Very creative pursuit on so many levels. And it gives me time to think.
My mind went off on a new tangent this week. I was reading about quantum computers with someone, trying to understand. The person I was talking to said computers work, now, with the binary system. They are 1 or 0, they are on or off. Quantum is when it is both at once.
I suddenly wondered if it is possible to be a quantum human...
I have been playing in this idea of renumbering the chakras, completely understanding that #1 is in the feet, and #2 is in the knees. I never understood how two feet vibrate to the frequency of one. Then, quantum human, I understood, we step with one foot at a time...we are here, we are unique but we are also part of humanity. In the beginning, we have to be one at a time - individual or part of the clan. As we evolve up through our being, knees teach flexibility. I wonder if, as we get older and more set in our ways, more opinionated, more sure we are correct - I wonder if this is why our knees get stiff.
But as we reach the third chakra, we learn to be both...we can be individual and part of the tribe.
This is all about the changes we are going through...and I really seeing us splitting. Some people are more fearless, and willing to go forward, out of the yellow "will" chakra. Others are afraid there is not enough, and clinging to the yellow chakra for dear life.
Know what gives me hope? Jose Mujica of Uruguay. Pope Francis. Justin Trudeau of Canada.
Know what frightens me? What is happening in Poland.
And the US is in the balance...we could go either way...forward into the green chakra, or drown in the yellow...
Sending love and hugs...
Clare
Friday, June 3, 2016
interesting day
Clare,
So today was another interesting day…
they all are interesting days I guess.
Work was good…
Fridays feel good to me. I feel as if I wrap things up on Friday and can walk away without too much thought. My projects are all in a good space right now so I'm comfortable. My boss is very much a worrier. She likes to have things to worry about. We will probably be moving our office in the near future because of the sale of our present building. I think it's a great opportunity to update, modernize, thin extraneous stuff. She told me we're moving everything. I just smile and offer suggestions.
My young man worked this afternoon for 4 hours. His younger brother was here during that time. He basically hid in the basement most of the time- except for dinner time. I am having such a difficult time connecting with him. Talking with the older brother, he doesn't feel connected either. He tells me how difficult it is to get close to him. I'm sure he's been hurt and is afraid to let others close. I try offering activities both in the house and outside to engage him, but he politely turns me down. When I directly ask him to join me he hides in the bathroom. I thought he had GI issues at first, now I've realized that's his escape. He says he enjoys spending time with us. I just wish I could read him better.
My youngest is in a better space today. He is working tonight which gives me a serious break. He has SAT and work tomorrow, so he'll be busy all day- another bonus for me. One day at a time…that's all I can do with him.
I've been too distracted to practice my reiki. I will try tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
So today was another interesting day…
they all are interesting days I guess.
Work was good…
Fridays feel good to me. I feel as if I wrap things up on Friday and can walk away without too much thought. My projects are all in a good space right now so I'm comfortable. My boss is very much a worrier. She likes to have things to worry about. We will probably be moving our office in the near future because of the sale of our present building. I think it's a great opportunity to update, modernize, thin extraneous stuff. She told me we're moving everything. I just smile and offer suggestions.
My young man worked this afternoon for 4 hours. His younger brother was here during that time. He basically hid in the basement most of the time- except for dinner time. I am having such a difficult time connecting with him. Talking with the older brother, he doesn't feel connected either. He tells me how difficult it is to get close to him. I'm sure he's been hurt and is afraid to let others close. I try offering activities both in the house and outside to engage him, but he politely turns me down. When I directly ask him to join me he hides in the bathroom. I thought he had GI issues at first, now I've realized that's his escape. He says he enjoys spending time with us. I just wish I could read him better.
My youngest is in a better space today. He is working tonight which gives me a serious break. He has SAT and work tomorrow, so he'll be busy all day- another bonus for me. One day at a time…that's all I can do with him.
I've been too distracted to practice my reiki. I will try tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, June 2, 2016
better day
Clare,
Better day today.
Our youngest called about 9 pm last night, asking for a ride. He was apologetic and asked some insightful questions on the drive home. He asked, "Do you think I'm a danger to myself?" I answered honestly, "yes, when you are impulsive or emotional you are dangerous to yourself." He seemed to really think about that.
Our young man moved in. We had a family dinner and my youngest took him swimming and to the store to pick up a few things. They are spending time together, which is nice.
I felt very sad for the younger young man as we prepared to leave today.
He was ambivalent…happy and sad and afraid…
appropriate emotions…
he's coming to the house tomorrow for his weekly visit, so it won't be a long separation. He will grow and come to live here too.
I talked to him about getting out of his comfort zone and allowing himself to grow.
He had no idea what I was talking about…
but hopefully he will think about it and do some soul searching…
if he's capable.
I'll catch up tomorrow. Thanks for the support. I really need it.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Better day today.
Our youngest called about 9 pm last night, asking for a ride. He was apologetic and asked some insightful questions on the drive home. He asked, "Do you think I'm a danger to myself?" I answered honestly, "yes, when you are impulsive or emotional you are dangerous to yourself." He seemed to really think about that.
Our young man moved in. We had a family dinner and my youngest took him swimming and to the store to pick up a few things. They are spending time together, which is nice.
I felt very sad for the younger young man as we prepared to leave today.
He was ambivalent…happy and sad and afraid…
appropriate emotions…
he's coming to the house tomorrow for his weekly visit, so it won't be a long separation. He will grow and come to live here too.
I talked to him about getting out of his comfort zone and allowing himself to grow.
He had no idea what I was talking about…
but hopefully he will think about it and do some soul searching…
if he's capable.
I'll catch up tomorrow. Thanks for the support. I really need it.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
lots and lots of love and light
Hi Love,
I read yesterday's entry and was ready to respond, and now I have your day today. Wow! You have my sympathy, my love, my shoulder.
It seems your youngest is not ready to give up his status as the baby of the family. Tantrums are so much cuter when they are two...
After yesterday's post, the thoughts that came to my mind are that this is a dance and we are not the choreographers. All we can do is dance our part. It is not your place to be the perfect parent for your new son, or for the four you have been working on for years, either. You may not have the skills to bring them to a perfect adulthood. But you have the skills to show him, and his brother, and your bio-kids that love and commitment exist. You get to show them that we struggle for our whole lives, and though there are moments of perfection, mostly it is dirty and exhausting and exhilarating. We never stop experiencing, reaching out, analyzing, improving...
In the book, it seems the girl does learn to trust again. So there is hope. There is hope for all of us.
I agree that you have to maintain rules for your youngest, or the new son may become confused about what the rules really are...and the rules have to be fair and consistent for both of them...Ain't parenting a hoot?
I truly wonder what is causing your youngest to panic. What is frightening him so much? I am interested in the psychiatrist's insight. Would that be genetic? What might cause it?
Keep me posted.
Sending lots and lots of love and light...
Clare
I read yesterday's entry and was ready to respond, and now I have your day today. Wow! You have my sympathy, my love, my shoulder.
It seems your youngest is not ready to give up his status as the baby of the family. Tantrums are so much cuter when they are two...
After yesterday's post, the thoughts that came to my mind are that this is a dance and we are not the choreographers. All we can do is dance our part. It is not your place to be the perfect parent for your new son, or for the four you have been working on for years, either. You may not have the skills to bring them to a perfect adulthood. But you have the skills to show him, and his brother, and your bio-kids that love and commitment exist. You get to show them that we struggle for our whole lives, and though there are moments of perfection, mostly it is dirty and exhausting and exhilarating. We never stop experiencing, reaching out, analyzing, improving...
In the book, it seems the girl does learn to trust again. So there is hope. There is hope for all of us.
I agree that you have to maintain rules for your youngest, or the new son may become confused about what the rules really are...and the rules have to be fair and consistent for both of them...Ain't parenting a hoot?
I truly wonder what is causing your youngest to panic. What is frightening him so much? I am interested in the psychiatrist's insight. Would that be genetic? What might cause it?
Keep me posted.
Sending lots and lots of love and light...
Clare
crazy day
Clare,
Crazy day today…
worse than usual.
My youngest is grounded…
I think I told you that before…
he becomes frantic when he is grounded…
looking for an escape.
I drove him to school today…
was yelled at and called names most of the 20 minutes drive.
I picked him up after school and he told me he wasn't intending to honor his grounding once he got home. I asked for his phone. He begrudgingly gave it up and then jumped out of the car at the next red light. I was unable to find him after that.
We had an appointment with a psychiatrist who is in the process of evaluating him…
and shared his recent antics.
She was calm, warm, and supportive. I like her. She reassured us that she had formed her own opinion of our youngest at their first meeting so our comments expanded her understanding. I didn't want her to think he was all negative. She made a few observations- like he doesn't use his frontal cortex when he's impulsive. She also made a comment about it seeming like there is a long-term neurologic component. I hadn't bought of that.
Anyway I asked for insight and parenting direction…
I feel as if what I'm doing isn't working well.
We go back again next week.
After we came home he appeared in the yard…
asking where his money was.
He had left $270 with me this morning which I put in a safe place because I sensed he would take it and probably get into trouble. Well, now he's really angry and gone again. I pray that he is ok.
I think that the timing of this is interesting…
our young man moves home tomorrow.
Husband and I think he's testing to see if we'll be easier on him in order to keep the peace in the house with a foster son here. But, we are in agreement that rules, and consequences, remain consistent…
even if it means a day or two of battle.
Hold us in the Light…
we can use all of the strength possible.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Crazy day today…
worse than usual.
My youngest is grounded…
I think I told you that before…
he becomes frantic when he is grounded…
looking for an escape.
I drove him to school today…
was yelled at and called names most of the 20 minutes drive.
I picked him up after school and he told me he wasn't intending to honor his grounding once he got home. I asked for his phone. He begrudgingly gave it up and then jumped out of the car at the next red light. I was unable to find him after that.
We had an appointment with a psychiatrist who is in the process of evaluating him…
and shared his recent antics.
She was calm, warm, and supportive. I like her. She reassured us that she had formed her own opinion of our youngest at their first meeting so our comments expanded her understanding. I didn't want her to think he was all negative. She made a few observations- like he doesn't use his frontal cortex when he's impulsive. She also made a comment about it seeming like there is a long-term neurologic component. I hadn't bought of that.
Anyway I asked for insight and parenting direction…
I feel as if what I'm doing isn't working well.
We go back again next week.
After we came home he appeared in the yard…
asking where his money was.
He had left $270 with me this morning which I put in a safe place because I sensed he would take it and probably get into trouble. Well, now he's really angry and gone again. I pray that he is ok.
I think that the timing of this is interesting…
our young man moves home tomorrow.
Husband and I think he's testing to see if we'll be easier on him in order to keep the peace in the house with a foster son here. But, we are in agreement that rules, and consequences, remain consistent…
even if it means a day or two of battle.
Hold us in the Light…
we can use all of the strength possible.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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