changes, again with the changes

Hi Maggie,

What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in us?   Do you think it's Christmas that is sucking your son down?

I don't know how to get past the shoulds.  Christmas should be...(fill in your own expectations here...)

I think I am past it, then I sink...

I remember a lot of screaming in our family home. Bs 1and 2 could get me.  It seemed like they tag-teamed me.  And then I took it out on everyone else. Take that pain and pass it down the line, it's the Delana way - share and share alike.  I don't remember your screams, especially, I just remember a lot of screaming...And you are right - we knew exactly what hurt the most, and we delighted in using it.

And it is painful to see the same patterns resurface in our children.

My youngest is sick.  This cold finally got a grip on her. She took the day off and asked if I would take the baby as usual so she could sleep - hoping not to miss more than one day of work.   The baby was in a particularly toddlerish mood, being as uncooperative as todderly possible. She wouldn't eat, yet complained she was hungry.  She wanted cookies.  I don't have cookies, and I'm not in favor of sugaring up a two-year-old anyway!

I felt myself sinking into tired, old, crotchety. It was my familiar old sense of - nothing, of numb.

My west coast daughter-in-law commented that it was a snow day.  So I called - and missed them. I get so scared of losing them sometimes.  They are so far away, and everyone gets so busy that we just don't talk, and I miss them.  But just as the baby left my house, my daughter-in-law called back and we all talked, and ended up on Skype.  I got to see her and both of the kids.  Now I feel all warm and reconnected.

Love is always the answer...

Messages of change continue to barrage me from so many different places. I was talking to someone I have deep talks with fairly regularly. I appreciate him because he is intensely intelligent and intellectual and so it challenges me.

He said the world is changing and we can't stop it. There will be a negative period as people try to stop it, but they can't. It is illusion. He compared it to trying to stop a flood.  You can redirect some of it, sometimes, but you can't stop it.  The conversation started because we were discussing COP21, and I commented that after the work that was done in Paris, already the Republicans are saying we can't live up to our agreement, because it's too hard.

It is hard. Change is hard, but it would be stupid for me to ignore such a strong message. I know I have to stay fluid.  Otherwise, I'm not sure what to do!

Changes...maybe I should go listen to David Bowie.

The listening project sounds really exciting.  I can't wait to hear what happens next!

Love and hugs from Clare