shameless

Hey Maggie,

I don't think it is inappropriate to cry with someone. It just proves that she is worth your tears.  Showing someone they are of worth is never a mistake.  I don;t want a counselor who is distant and professional.  I also don't want someone who feeds my drama,so a certain decorum is necessary.  But quietly shedding tears together is absolute vulnerability. And that is good.

When I read your post about your client, I could feel your emotion. I want an advocate like that!

S#4 was supposed to come tomorrow so we could do our annual kids party/overnight, allowing our kids to go out.  But her grandson has a fever/vomit bug and so she decided not to share.

She may be able to run away early Friday morning - adults only.  We Skyped for a bit this evening, and...hmmmm...I think I started it.  I encouraged her to run away, to say yes. I told her I thought this should be the year we just say yes to everything. Except, sugar.  Then she added wheat and gluten.  I asked her to help me, and promised to help her.

I watched a Netflix series, Grace and Frankie.  I really identified with the Frankie character.  She talked about saying yes. Am I brave enough???

I finished a novel I'd been reading, and last night I picked up the three books you sent me...which one??? And I chose Carry On, Warrior.  I usually recoil from Christian literature, but I decided to skim past that and just read.

She decided to change her life by being shameless, by being a reckless truth teller.I am struggling with the idea of shameless.  At one point she asks why be ashamed - she was doing the best she could with what she had at the time. I can only be that kind to someone else...

But Shameless.  I am so used to trying to understand my shame, to dig around in the crevices of my being and find the dirty, shameful parts.   And if I find all those hidden marks and clean them, then what...I will be without shame.

Is that shameless.

Shameless seems like a bad thing. Like a hussy, a pushy, bad girl.

Shameless...Garth Brooks did a song about being Shamelessly in love with a woman...I guess it is about being vulnerable in the face of love. Shameless might just be about being vulnerable in public - not caring who sees.

But I am so used to covering myself up, and hiding in a corner and being a watcher.

Will this be the year of "Yes!"??

Rereading - be open and empathic...be shameless.  Cry in public. It can;t be wrong.

Love and hugs from Clare

double edged sword

Clare,

The woman was admitted yesterday…
so at least she is relatively safe at this point.
I am holding her in the Light and in my consciousness throughout the day.
I've never experienced this level of despair before…
it's life changing.

I'm sorry…
I thought I'd told you about my meeting. I met with the friend of a friend about the non-profit. She asked me to come to the office to see what she does. I showed up and she showed me piles of materials, each neatly labeled as different projects. They range from building a park, sponsoring l;coal folk artists, block parties, health initiatives, suicide prevention…
and more.
We talked freely for over an hour…
sharing ideas…
she asked me to job share with her. She explained she is 68 years old and wants to retire at 70. She has been looking for someone with a diverse background to take over this non-profit…
she thinks I'm the one she's been looking for.
She has shared my CV with the board and has invited me to tyne next board meeting in January. I am thrilled. I wanted to work in a macro setting when I finished my Masters and this is perfect…
close to home…
diverse areas of focus…
helping my county…
it's what I want to do.
The hardest part will be giving up my clients.
But, after yesterday, that my be a blessing.

I still question my crying with that client. I could feel her pain through and through…
the tears were real and spontaneous…
but we're not supposed to get that involved.
I don't think I have the right boundaries for counseling.
I think the energy work I've been doing…
and the loss of negative karma make me more open and empathic…
a double edged sword for sure.


You'll have to let me know what the contact on ancestry has to say. I like the idea of tapping Pop's soul and energy for healing…it needs that opportunity to heal itself. What a gift you are giving in the asking.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

lotuses...loti...lotta loti

Hey Maggie,

I am with you. My soul is with your soul.  My heart is with your heart. I am holding both you and your client in the Light.  I hope all goes as it should. I hope she opens to a reason to live.

I appreciate your husband's care in making sure as many pieces are in place as possible, but the point is to get to the point where we take a step forward in faith. Faith, by my definition, means we don;t know, but we do it anyway.  The best things are never the easiest things.  But we are given the tools and materials we need, as long as we keep eyes and hearts open.

I understand that another rejection will cause soul trauma.  I understand that the answer is love. I'm back in the green chakra - love is faith...trusting that you are on the right path with the right people and the right lessons. Love and trust and listen.  Those are your best tools.

I didn't know you had your coffee meeting, or that an offer came out of it or that there were big changes sliding over your horizon. Details- I need details!!

I was looking at photos of lotuses.  These are not simple flowers.  There are layers of beauty.  And the lowest petals arch back, to hold the body above the swamp.

And I thought of two women I know...both are older, both are powerfully psychic, both came from horrible situations of abuse, both are estranged from their own children.  I actually stopped to wonder if abuse is part of the formula for creating psychic gifts...But both grew up in a swamp...One remembers  her father holding her hand against a hot woodstove.  The other witnessed her mother killing her little sister. She was raised in foster homes - never belonging anywhere. One was raped at knifepoint by her sister's boyfriend - one more unprotected girl in this world.

Most of the psychic men I know struggle with alcoholism...

Gifts of the swamp...

Had a strange thought earlier today. I was thinking about B#2, and suddenly Pop popped into my head.  I asked him to assume responsibility for B#2. After all, he raped our father who then raped his sons.  That is the core of the pain and suffering B#2 is existing in...Tonight, while meditating, I am going to see if I can ask Pop to do this for the family.

I was talking to a healer Friend, whom I don't know too well yet, about my middle of the night adventures.  This person did  some time at Pendle Hill, at the same time as another Friend who was working with ancestors.  I have been put in social media connection with the ancestor understander!!

We'll see what happens next...


Love and hugs and compassion and joyful expectation of good news about your client...

Clare

both crying

Clare,
Just a quick note tonight.
I am very sad today.
A favorite client saw me today and was actively suicidal.
I've sat with people threatening suicide before…
many times…
but this client was finished…
she really had lost her will to live.
I asked her to try to hold on…
because I care what happens to her.
We were both crying.
That's not very professional…
but it was genuine.
I am still waiting- more than 5 hours later to hear that she has been admitted.
The mother accompanied her and promised to let us know.
Holding her in the Light.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

all or nothing

Clare,

But I saw something today. Someone was displaying and discussing a lotus - arguably one of the most perfect flowers on Earth. And it grows in the swamp.  It takes swamp conditions to create that beauty…

I really like that thought. We have previously written that the swamp is especially fertile ground. We are working in a good space.

I am warming to the younger boy…
he is very quiet, but has a remarkable smile. He was more outgoing at Christmas, especially with my youngest. The older one is critical of the younger…
I think he's trying to groom him to make him more "acceptable"…
to avoid another rejection…
I hate that they anticipate the next rejection.
I had a long talk with husband last evening…
he's concerned about the "unknowns" of taking the boys in…
he spends his time considering all that could go wrong…
I keep trying to challenge him to see the opportunities inherent in new relationships…
he's always been afraid of change.
He literally will make himself sick when something is inevitable and out of his control.
We've agreed to invite them for visits and then move into overnights if all goes well.
I worry, if something happens, his knee-jerk will be to cut them off.
For me it's an all or nothing at this point…
any further rejections may not be tolerable to them.
I know how hard it is to feel worthy of love and belonging in my own life.
Holding all of this in the Light.

I have to talk to my office manager tomorrow about probably taking another job in January. I don't want to be a jerk and tell them at the last minute. I'll have to reassign my clients to other therapists before I leave. It's funny, I'm not really torn about this decision at all. I will miss some of the clients, but I know they will be well cared for.
I'm so excited about this new opportunity with the community organizing non-profit. Each time I speak to the director I get even more certain it is the right place for me. She invited me to begin attending meetings in January to begin the transition.

I hope that you are safe and warm. We are having freezing rain tonight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Fourth Day

Hello Mags,

It's interesting that you connected with B#1's  D#2! S#3 feels very close to her also.  I really don't know any of those kids.  And since my kids don't really like B#1, there's not been much contact.

I talked with B#2's ex-wife recently. B#2 talks to his daughter every single day. I'm not sure who the adult is, who maintains the connection - from the outside it seems very mutual.  But his daughter recently talked to her mom, and was very upset.  She heard her dad drunk for the first time ever.  Our SIL told me he was always so careful to have it together around his kid.  Niece wanted to confront him, deliver ultimatums. SIL wanted to protect her, to keep her from ever knowing her dad drank.  In the end, she recommended some AA type reading and suggested her daughter tread slowly.

I have been wondering about B#2, not exactly worrying, but he's on my mind.  We rushed in and saved him, and now he has the exact same life he had before. He just brought it all with him...of course.

No drama = no attention.  That's the way that works, you know!

I was so happy to read that your boys came for Christmas.  Are you warming to the younger brother also?

We were  escaping the pain, the poking, the name-calling, the total lack of peace, or privacy.  We were escaping that incessant daddy voice that told us we were no good, and we could never do anything right.  Unfortunately by the time we got out, the seed was planted deep.  And it has grown and blossomed...

But I saw something today. Someone was displaying and discussing a lotus - arguably one of the most perfect flowers on Earth. And it grows in the swamp.  It takes swamp conditions to create that beauty...

It made me rethink that dragging toilet paper image.

I have been sugar bingeing since Christmas Eve. I just sent two cranberry loaves away - one went home with my youngest, then I asked Nephew to take the other to a neighbor.  My strength is in not buying sugar in the first place.  But once it is here, my resolve is gone, and addiction takes over.  I gotta get it out of here by New Years Eve - then, no more sugar. I hope I last longer this time!

Nomads move together. They are intimate with their annual range.  A Friend told me once that a matriarchy had a central home point.  The land they stewarded was how far out the could walk from the center in an hour, a half of a day, a day...In a patriarchy, the people know the boundaries.  They stay within them, and guard them from outsiders.

Our Sami part is probably our saving grace, our truly human, connected part.

French lesson (still learning nouns!), book, then a bit of knitting for me...

Love and hugs from Clare

why stay?

Clare,

I survived the family gathering…
it was not as bad as I anticipated.
B#1 and his daughter were there.
I spent time talking with her and S#5 about careers and staying open to leadings that change your planned course. Our niece is contemplating a new direction that will entail a lot more education. I encouraged her to proceed, consider the best options to get where she wants to be. It was good to talk with her. I cannot remember having a conversation with this niece since before she went to college. I like her. B#1 was in a good mood. didn't have a lot to say. His wife did not come, she had a cough and decided to stay home.

B#4 was alone also…
his son and family decided not to come.
He is one of my favorite people…
even though I don't agree with him on a lot of things.
I do feel heard and seen by him.

He told me that B#2 never came by his house to pick up my Christmas card…
I was told to send it to B#4's house and it would get there. He did hear that there were cards waiting for him, so at least he heard that we reached out to him. It must be incredibly lonely to be in his skin.
He maintains the isolation…
I worry about his future…
it might be short if he doesn't get out of this depression.

Seeing Mom and Dad was nice…
nothing really substantial to report…
they never really want to talk…
or listen.

I took my older Friend to Meeting today. She just turned 92 and is struggling with arthritic knees. Today she was very matter-of-fact that she doesn't think she has much time left. I cried quietly and listened to her. She is not afraid. She just senses life will be ending soon. I pray it is a quick, painless passing. She expressed much gratitude for my help over the past several years. I assured her that I get as much out of our friendship as she does. She laughed and said she couldn't imagine how. I explained that our mother is distant and not really connected emotionally. I don't feel as if I can take difficult topics to her. But, my older Friend is always ready to listen and advise. She is so wise and sincere. She was embarrassed and shrugged off my comments…but she heard me. She heard me tell her that she is a mother to me and how much I appreciate and love her for that. Helping others really is an opportunity for everyone involved.

I'm sorry your dog is sick…
mine do the same things.
Then she lays around for days and mopes…
unless there is food around…
she still begs.

I'm busy preparing my new course for the spring semester. It is a combination of 3 courses I've previously taught, so I just have to pull material from those lectures…but it is time consuming.

I wonder who it was that we are/were escaping? I think it is more that we were taught to separate and disappear. No one was encouraged to stay close to home. If you look at our younger sisters who did marry and live close to home, they weren't particularly supported. Dad was mean to their husbands and, with the exception of S#4's oldest daughter, not nice to the grandkids. I think we are genetically nomads…and moving away is part of our heritage…Saami, right? Although I think they would have been nomadic within family groups. The parents did the best they could-under the circumstances.
If you're not valued…why stay?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Quiet-ish again

Hi Maggie,

How was the family gathering?  I was thinking about my feelings. Yesterday, I may have forgotten about it if you hadn't mentioned it...and if Mom hadn't called...I knew I would not be able to go, and so I just sort of erased it from my reality.

But then I read your words, and I remembered feeling dread getting ready to come down for their anniversary party - the mandatory gathering - about eight years ago. The whole day was going wrong, I got a really late start and was finally on my way with just my two youngest, and I hit two deer at once and really damaged my car.  Once the decision was made - not coming - it was like all that rigid emotion could melt. And underneath I felt sad that I wasn't coming.

We have pretend closeness now, in many cases. But we have a pretty powerful shared history. Only our sibs truly understand surviving the dysfunction we grew up in.  And maybe that is our connection.

We all had each other...could not wait to get away - but was that from Mom and Dad? or the whole family? or what?  Maybe we did not intend to abandon each other, but that was the only way out of the swamp - every man for himself...But what we never knew was that we never leave it behind. Even if we ignore it, it's like a piece of toilet paper stuck to our shoe, dragging behind us everywhere we go.

It is quiet once again. I had the youngest grandchild overnight so Mama and Daddy could go to see Star Wars.  She might have slept in except that my old-old lady dog came and rested her head on the mattress next to my face and made sounds like a dying elk.  I got up to put her out, which was a production because halfway to the door, she forgot where we were going.  So the baby woke up, and my day was started!

The dog has been "off" since Christmas Day. We had a cookie incident.  My youngest son's neighbor brought a huge plate of cookies as a gift for him and his girlfriend.  They don't want that much sugar in their house, so they brought them here to share.  The cookies weren't even touched.  And the cookies were left here.  I was wondering what to do with them, forgot to take them to middle son's Christmas gathering. Got home, and my old dog had gotten up on the table and eaten about three quarters of them. Luckily, few were chocolate.  But she has been peeing a lot ever since.  I think the sugar was too much for her old body.

So today I am going to work on my book.  I said it. I said it in public.  I am going to get it back out and start working on it regularly.

So that's the plan!!  It's a part of this year's goal, as well as - No More Sugar!!!

Looking forward to hearing how yesterday went.

Love and hugs from Clare

gifts from the heart

Clare,

I am taking a few moments for clarity this morning. I just returned from a walk with the dogs and am finishing my walk on the treadmill. I hate the treadmill, but this time of year the weather is so crappy that I don't get out consistently. Today we are making the trek to the Delana family gathering…
less than half of our siblings will be there..
demonstrating how little we are drawn to each other…
we are taking my youngest's girlfriend…
she is mixed race and he is worried about Grampy saying something racist.
I told him to situate her near our youngest sister and Grampy won't dare say anything.

I am looking forward to seeing the family for a short period of time. I find it confusing though…
I've said this before…
no contact for long periods of time..
and then pretending to be close.
I think I'm going to carefully consider my responses this year…
What do I want to share?
Why is this important?

I think I'm going to take some time to observe the inner workings rather than try to dive in…
I sound like you right now.

This morning, as I journaled, I realized how much Christmas has become a celebration of Light for me. It is no longer the stories and myths from religions…
although these are part of my heritage…
It is about giving there gifts of my heart.
Yesterday we had the young teenaged boys with us.
They fit in very well, except they are quiet- unlike the rest of us.
The older one went to the barn with me and then we watched a basketball game together. I don't like basketball, but it was great to be with him and allow him the pleasure of watching. When it was time to take them back the younger told my youngest he didn't want to go back to the home…
my youngest told me that we should let them stay here.
I was so proud of him. He infuriates me often, but he really does have a heart of gold.
Am I ready to parent two boys with a traumatic past?
I think that we have been prepared for this for many years.
I do feel that this is a calling for husband and I…
and our family too.

I will be thinking of you while visiting the family today. I hope that you have a quiet, peace filled day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Second Day of Cristmas

Hi Maggie,

I did get a package from you. But I didn't open it until yesterday.  Thank you!  I'm hoping to find time to curl up in a warm corner and think and read.  More than anything,I appreciate your thinking of me!!

I had a family oriented two days. I enjoyed it so much.

My son and daughter-in-law asked me to come early on Christmas.  And I stayed late, going home with my ex and oldest.  It was a long day.

I came home, watched White Christmas, finished your gift and rolled balls of yarn for the next project - something for me.

Watching White Christmas was surreal this year. It has long been a favorite, but this year it just annoyed me.  So many of the traditional romances are developed around the theme of a misunderstanding.  She think she knows what he will do based on half-overheard plans from someone who was not part of the conversation.  She shuts down, and freezes him out, and he tries to woo her.  And I'm sitting her, knitting needles in hand, telling the image on the screen, "Oh for crying out loud, just ask him. Give him a chance to speak, explain himself.  What is wrong with you?"

In the end, she realizes she is wrong, comes back and idolizes him again. He has no idea what happened, but he is happy to be idolized.

What is wrong with having a romance with good communication, no drama and just a lot of peace and fun?  Would that sell?  Do we need drama to be interested - or maybe to feel alive?

I guess the question is: Does life really have to be a soap opera?

That's where I am today!  And I realize,  sometimes it is fun to analyze romantic movies...hone it down to a sentence or two. That is when they become educational!

I am also considering my life.  I am aware that it is almost New Years, and this year, I am seriously contemplating my resolutions. I am very aware that this is the year I will have completed 60 rides around the sun...time for a new decade, something new.  But besides being open, I'm not sure which direction to go...

Since I read your post last night,   I have been thinking about the power of negative karma.  Do we need it for balance?  Maybe, once we become aware enough of who we have been - can we release it and thereby move forward?  How does it affect our wisdom? And, I hope the loss impacts our fear.  You'll have to keep me posted on changes. Interesting idea...

Happy Second Day of Christmas!

Love and hugs from Maggie

Christmas evening

Clare,
I wish you a blessed CHristmas night. We have had a full 2 days here. Yesterday I spent most of my time cooking and baking, again. My presents were mostly wrapped and ready to go. I did go to a local art studio in the afternoon to buy a present to replace one that is backordered. It was great to walk and browse local artists' creations. I bought a bracelet made from an old silver fork. We were introduced to a horse who has learned to hold a paint roller in her mouth and paint onto a canvas. Last evening I went to a church service with husband and my oldest…
it was peaceful…
a lot of music…
not a lot of sermon…

We did our traditional PJ gift and went to bed after hanging and chatting for a while. I woke up early this morning (7:30) and started to prepare the beef burgundy…
I wanted dinner at 3…
then my second woke up and could hardly contain her enthusiasm…
she made it until 9 and then wanted to wake the boys up.
She was able to get the youngest moving but the older son was not happy.
We started presents in a foul mood…
he quickly perked up with a sweet roll and cup of coffee.
We spent about two hours opening presents, laughing and sharing stories…
and making stories.

I picked up our young friends and we are still hanging out. It's been a good day.

So, my last visit to the reiki healer was interesting…
she "implanted" a negative karma eraser…
for lack of a better term.
It rids my being/soul of negative karma…
It's like the ultimate, multi-incarnational absolution…
who needs confession?
I have been feeling very calm, stable since my last visit with her with the re-align my grids in 3 zones. I feel as if I can handle competing needs much better…
see through the bullshit better…
listen to others better.
I'm not sure what to expect from the loss of negative karma…
perhaps better perspective…
or maybe more open-ness to others if there's less fear from past experience.

I hope that you are having a quiet Christmas evening. Did you get a box from me? When I sent it the post office attendant told me she couldn't find your address in the computer, but I assured her I sent you other things before to that address. Let me know if it failed to reach you…I'll track it down if it didn't come.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Christmas Eve

Hi Maggie,

It is quiet here again.  I had Christmas Eve dinner.  My oldest came for awhile, but she's not feeling well, so she went home early.  Everyone else stayed and put a puzzle together - which is perfect.  everyone is together and involved, interacting.

My middle son and his wife had to get home and get kids into bed, so they could spend hours wrapping and preparing. My oldest called home ans they have the same game plan...

And then it sort of hit me again. Christmas is so different when there are no more kids in the house.  Christmas was too much, but I wanted it.  Life with kids made Christmas a full, month long affair.  There was so much to do, so many places to go,so much baking and shopping and wrapping and planning - it toook every minute.

Now, my house is relatively clean and very quiet.  Everything is ready.  And I am alone...

So different...

So tonight I will ry to find my favorite, A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I will knit. I thought I could get it all done, but your gift is still on the needles.  I'll get done, then there'sa next project already in the planning stage...

I hope you and warm and cozy and full of joy with your family!

Love and hugs from Clare

Christmas Eve-Eve

Hi Maggie,

I have a moment - finally!  I worked, wrote reports, then helped Nephew with a turkey he smoked for a friend of his girlfriend's.  He got it, though.  He didn't really need help.  Then the baby came, and the girlfriend came and the neighbor came...and I just kept cooking.  S#3 Skyped in, looking for a sane moment, and our baby noticed first and was running around screaming Bobby!  Bobby!  The kids barked and meowed at each other...And the boyfriend came for the baby, and Nephew and his girl left, and it is quiet.  Except for Christmas carols - although the current selection is Pachelbel's Canon. And I have 45 minutes while the custard for tomorrow night steams. And, oh, I talked to all of my local kids this afternoon.

I love it. I love the chaos of large family, and making sure we are organized. We had a pan trade this afternoon - a cookie pan for Boyfriend in exchange for a turkey roaster...

And I miss the other-coast kids soooo much.  I would love to have them in the middle of the chaos.

I turned on the Christmas carols, and sort of fell apart for a few minutes.  I have such a hard time with the religious ones, but they are the traditional ones. I am tired of Let It Snow and Santa Baby.  They don't seem like Christmas songs...I wasn't sure what to listen to. But I remember being about 6 years old, it was Christmas time and the songs started playing  everywhere, and I was fascinated because I could sing them all. I was astounded by my memory.

But then I made rye bread, and felt the Swedish grandma's around me, and I centered into celebrating the coming of the Light, just as we have done for generations.

I'm not exactly feeling the Christmas Spirit, but I am feeling a calm expectation.  It was strange, but when everyone was here and the phone was ringing a lot, I felt like it was an inhalation.  When everyone left and silence descended, it was like an exhalation, now I am in a thicker silence.  It is a special silence.

I love this alone, but I wonder if this is all there is - me and the dogs and the spatting cats.

I can't wait to hear about your latest session.  I appreciate being able to learn vicariously!

It's almost next year...that is in front of my mind.  Neighbor says this will be a year of huge changes for me, for my family, and also in general. And we know she is generally right!

So - rye bread, pandoro, and chocolate chip cookies - the recipe I used when my babies were babies...I can do it!!

Love and hugs from Clare

crazy busy day

Clare,
Sorry…crazy busy today…
work…
dentist appointment…
yoga.
The dog is mad at me for being AWOL

I will sit and write tomorrow.
I have to tell you about my latest reiki experience…
a negative karma eraser…
it gets rid of negative karma accumulated.

Sleep well beautiful sister,
Maggie

It's all about Light

Hi Maggie!

I also truly enjoyed our moment of the Laughing One and the Naughty One in the car talking to the Strange One!  My grandchildren were here, enjoying the joy, vicariously.

How was your daughter's play?   

I miss you guys...

I had a strange "idea" while meditating with the ancestors last night.  I had the strong image of those of us who are alive and Earthly - we're dancers. We're dancing alone, living our lives.  We are dancing together, living live together.  And we are connected to our ancestors.  I saw them as being a kind of tutu. Some tutus are light and gauzy and add to the grace.  Some are dark and heavy and weigh us down.

I have been cleaning ours.  It is becoming more graceful!

I don't care if there were a virgin birth or not.  I don't care if Christ were human or divine.  None of that matters. What matters is that we look at the words - Do unto others...

I don't buy into much of anything at this time of year.  What resounds inside of me is that, if we live with awareness of the Earth, then we know we are as far away from the Sun as we get.  We have as much darkness as we will get.  At this time of year, we go within and find our own Light.  And we participate in drawing back toward the Light.  Next week will be better!

What brings us Light?  Giving. Loving. Spending time with people we love.  Being kind to people we don't know.  Sharing our gifts.

I have been thinking about the year we did not celebrate Christmas.  I could feel others celebrating, but I really didn't feel left out or sad...just curious.  I feel bad when trying to live up to Christmas expectations, when I'm never quite sure what they are.

I think I've mentioned before that my old friend from university was involved with some research indicating that the primitive part of our brain believes the images we see in current culture.  The sitcoms of the homes with garages and two cars and smartphones and you know, a dog by the fireplace.  So how do we break in and get non-white, -rich, -straight, -male to see past the media image and notice the huge lapses in equality?

I'm not sure.  I was thinking that maybe postcards divided into quarters with four faces and four quotes.  It could be women giving the basic data of their last maternity leave. Leave them at clinics and OB/GYN offices.  Or sharing info about health care costs...I read that most bankruptcies in the US are due to medical bills...it could be four men, one rich, white, straight, the others missing one of the key point indicators, comparing something about their life...Would people notice?

Since 90% of our media is owned by six corporations, almost no one has access to facts or news. I really do wonder what would happen if people saw the truths...

Anyway...I'm getting tired...work always comes early...especially on a Monday!

Love and hugs from the Strange One

Yes

Clare,

I had a full day…it was good to hear your voice with S#3.

Meeting was preceded by the annual pageant…
the kids enacted the Dr. Seuss book about the Grinch…
a personal favorite.
There was beautiful music…
and two stories read…
each was about listening to the "whispers" of the heart…
even if it meant ridicule and opposition from the mainstream.

I spoke during Meeting…
I don't like speaking in Meeting…
but it is getting easier for me…
I just get very shaky…
I guess I am a true Quaker.
I was struck by listening to the whispers despite it being countercultural…
which made me speak of Mary's "visitation"…
but more importantly her "yes.
The miracle of Christmas…
the birth of Love and Light…
began with a perfect "yes"…
"I am the handmaid of the Lord, let it be done unto me."
Even in the face of social judgement and disgrace.
The story even goes on to Joseph's "yes" to accept her and the baby.
I wondered what we could accomplish if we are able to listen to and affirm the whispers of our hearts.

I don't really buy into the myth of the virgin birth. I do however buy into the still small voice guiding us. This let me put the Christmas story into a more acceptable perspective…
a metaphor for opening to the spirit and surrendering to the leadings. I've been fighting the Christmas story this year, wondering why I am preparing for something that no longer resonates in my heart. But, after speaking this morning, my perspective shifted slightly. I am celebrating the opening of our heart to the possibility of love, guidance, and divine intimacy.

How do we extend our thoughts about equality into mainstream consciousness? Apathy is so strong in our world. Status quo is the path of least resistance and we like that. we are comfortable in our discomfort. How do raise awareness?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

straight, rich, white, male

Hi Maggie,

I know we are brainwashed.  Everything in our western culture is defined by straight, white, rich, male.  We automatically understand and accept this truth.  We are affected in the areas we are not like the ideal.  And because everything that is good is defined as straight, white, rich, male - when we are not, we are "bad.'''

I was friends with another AVP facilitator, a black man who was a little older than me. We got close enough that he was able to call me on my racism.  It was uncomfortable, but he was right.  There are certain expectations I have and certain behaviors I exhibit simply because I am tall, white and blue-eyed.

I remember talking about Nazi history in college, just a random discussion with a friend. He stopped and pointed out that we were Aryan - the ideal. I recoiled.  Then I acknowledged that he was right...

I watched a video recently. A white guy was filming women on the street. He was creepy. One of the women turned her camera on him and gave him a taste of his own medicine.  He was irate and indignant.  Obviously, he has the right to objectify women, and women have no rights- we can't complain, because white, rich, straight, male is always in the right.

It reminded me of a few other videos I watched of women simply walking the streets wearing a camera.  They were collecting the number and type of comments men made to them. None were wearing anything especially explicit - not that it should matter.  Because as one woman, marching with her breasts exposed said - Still not asking for it.

One tidbit I read recently was that many companies were favoring hiring women, so that they didn't have to pay a fair wage...

Went Christmas shopping with my youngest and her daughter today. Feeling very stressed. The toddler was not thrilled and engaged, and there were too many people...the only magic moment was taking the little one to the mall Santa. She was so wide-eyed and entranced. She kissed Santa's cheek, but the photographer missed the moment.  That will be a cherished photo in my heart, along with some of the sweet, sweet images of mine when they were small.

Hope you are enjoying the play...sometimes I wished Ilived closer...

Love and hugs from Clare

omissions

Clare,
OMG…
we are brainwashed!
We don't care how oppressed we are, because we are told how great life is. We can see those "suffering" women in the middle east- forced to fully cover their bodies…but we have no idea how unequal US women really are.

All we can do is continue to educate ourselves and each other and demand change. It's a slow process.
I spent a lot of years in a male dominated profession and was never paid what the men were- except in residency.
Once I started searching for a position the salaries were always less than my male counterparts…
and they'd ask about my intentions of having children…
Mommy-track questions, which are illegal.
Why is equality such a difficult reality?
It should be very simple…
simpler than power hierarchies…
why?

But,
I am as guilty as the next person.
My Integrate concept includes only women…
at least in the planning stages.
The concept in my mind doesn't include men.
That doesn't mean I'd exclude them…
but I think in terms of like-ness…
sharing common experiences…
bringing our female-ness to the table.

I have to think about that omission.

Making cookies today!
Quaker pageant tomorrow…My Meeting celebrates Christmas, which really isn't very Quakerly.
Then I'm meeting S#3 and a friend to see my daughter's Christmas Follies show. It's a great weekend!
Enjoy yours.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

women's rights

Hi Maggie,

The big story of today is about three women who visited the US. They were a UN delegation, and they spent ten days here, visiting Texas, Alabama and Oregon, specifically looking at the way our country treats women. Reportedly, they were horrified.

The women were all human rights experts.  One was from Poland, one from the UK, and the third from Costa Rica.

Rereading the article, I see they were appalled!

Women in the US live with a 23% gender pay gap...we knew that...poor maternity leave and child care benefits, are 11 times more likely to be killed by guns, of course, but mostly at the hands of an intimate partner - you know, that guy who owns you.

What really surprised them is that we have no idea life is better in other countries.  The women they talked to had the attitude of,  "Prove it."

I knew.

When I started my job, and starting interacting with people around the world, I was shocked to discover 6 weeks of paid vacation, up to three years of paid maternity leave, free health care, legal protection for workers.

By the time my daughter-in-law called me, sobbing, saying that if she lived anywhere else in the world, she would not be forced to leave her infant and return to work - I knew.  She was right.

But I think this is part of the fish living in dirty water, thinking it's normal, never realizing other live in air, and sometimes it is clean air!

But we have been told that we are free so many times, we believe.  We have been told that everyone else wants to come here, live here, be just like us, so many times that we believe it.  I think maybe we have so few paid vacation days on purpose.  It keeps us close to home, so we don't go and find out that a country can offer universal free health care and not collapse.

The delegation visited an abortion clinic and were shocked at the terrorists that threatened them, even though each is beyond child-bearing age.  They feel religious freedom is not the freedom to terrorize.  What an interesting idea!!

So what do we do? It all ties together.  It seems like someone could have fun with this...but my brain has not come up with anything yet...

Anyway, this is where my focus is tonight.

Hope all is well with you,

Love and hugs from Clare




http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/foreign-women-assess-us-gender-equality_566ef77de4b0e292150e92f0

a gift shared

Clare,

It's great that your baby wants to play music…it's good for the soul.

I, too, got a ham. I laughed because 4/6 of us are vegetarians. I sent my family a text message/picture LOLing about their choice. Then I realized that I had sent fruit with pineapple for Thanksgiving (Dad's allergic). I thought it must be payback.
I sent Mom a thank you note, explaining that we are vegetarian and, while we appreciate the gesture, we will be donating it to a local food bank. I actually am giving it to the domestic violence shelter for their Christmas celebration. They are very excited about receiving it.
So, yes, it is a gift that will be shared with others.

I spent my day doing the final shopping for Christmas. I just finished addressing 70 Christmas cards and am tapped out for the day. I will check in tomorrow.
Until then keep singing…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

We wash you a Merry Christmas!

Hi Maggie,

Missing you.  My days are full of knitting and the baby, and good news.  One of my closest friend's daughter just got engaged.  There is going to be a celebration sometime soon!

The baby learned We Wash You a Merry Christmas today.  She sang it to herself all day long. After dinner I looked for a few renditions on youtube. We found one of three Irish women singing, with a beautiful violinist walking around stage while playing. The baby asked, "Where's my violin?" So I found a video of my youngest's son's love playing violin at a festival.  The baby's eyes lit up. She was astounded. She said, "That's my....(fill in name of beloved here.)"  When Mama came to get her, she said,  "I want a violin, Mama!"

Still not reveling in the season. Still not sure what we are celebrating.  Still have moments of confusion when I see everyone all caught up in it. Still feeling like an outsider.  Still wondering how many people are faking it.

I guess I feel like everything is tumbling. But it feels like a controlled tumble.  I don't know how else to explain it.

So, I got a ham in the mail today. Mom and Dad sent it for Christmas.  I don't eat anything from a pig.  I haven't for about, I don't know, 16 years.  At first I rolled my eyes, then I sort of shook myself. Why be ungrateful in the face of generosity?  Grow up, Clare.  It's not like I choose perfect gifts for people.  So I decided I would make a ham dinner the weekend after Christmas, and see if maybe I can get all the local family here at one time. So that may be Mom and Dad's gift to me - family dinner with 4/5s of my kids!  Life is always better when I keep remembering- what happens is what is supposed to happen.

Trying to keep up in the race to Christmas. I don't understnad, but obviously I am going anyway!

Love and peace and joy and hugs to you and yours,

Clare

changes, again with the changes

Hi Maggie,

What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in us?   Do you think it's Christmas that is sucking your son down?

I don't know how to get past the shoulds.  Christmas should be...(fill in your own expectations here...)

I think I am past it, then I sink...

I remember a lot of screaming in our family home. Bs 1and 2 could get me.  It seemed like they tag-teamed me.  And then I took it out on everyone else. Take that pain and pass it down the line, it's the Delana way - share and share alike.  I don't remember your screams, especially, I just remember a lot of screaming...And you are right - we knew exactly what hurt the most, and we delighted in using it.

And it is painful to see the same patterns resurface in our children.

My youngest is sick.  This cold finally got a grip on her. She took the day off and asked if I would take the baby as usual so she could sleep - hoping not to miss more than one day of work.   The baby was in a particularly toddlerish mood, being as uncooperative as todderly possible. She wouldn't eat, yet complained she was hungry.  She wanted cookies.  I don't have cookies, and I'm not in favor of sugaring up a two-year-old anyway!

I felt myself sinking into tired, old, crotchety. It was my familiar old sense of - nothing, of numb.

My west coast daughter-in-law commented that it was a snow day.  So I called - and missed them. I get so scared of losing them sometimes.  They are so far away, and everyone gets so busy that we just don't talk, and I miss them.  But just as the baby left my house, my daughter-in-law called back and we all talked, and ended up on Skype.  I got to see her and both of the kids.  Now I feel all warm and reconnected.

Love is always the answer...

Messages of change continue to barrage me from so many different places. I was talking to someone I have deep talks with fairly regularly. I appreciate him because he is intensely intelligent and intellectual and so it challenges me.

He said the world is changing and we can't stop it. There will be a negative period as people try to stop it, but they can't. It is illusion. He compared it to trying to stop a flood.  You can redirect some of it, sometimes, but you can't stop it.  The conversation started because we were discussing COP21, and I commented that after the work that was done in Paris, already the Republicans are saying we can't live up to our agreement, because it's too hard.

It is hard. Change is hard, but it would be stupid for me to ignore such a strong message. I know I have to stay fluid.  Otherwise, I'm not sure what to do!

Changes...maybe I should go listen to David Bowie.

The listening project sounds really exciting.  I can't wait to hear what happens next!

Love and hugs from Clare

invisible and unheard

Clare,

I had an interesting telephone conversation this morning. A friend of a friend called me about a non-profit she directs- Vision. It's an organization that listens to communities in the county and then develops programs to meet their needs. The ED is a psychologist, and was very interested to hear my training, experience, and goals. I'm not sure exactly what she wants from me. She asked me to meet with her, over coffee, sometime next week. I couldn't tell if she is considering offering me a position in the organization- or just looking for a brain to pick. Either way it is nice to have someone recognize my professional abilities.

So, I am once again refereeing between my two sons. The older is in a dark place right now and everything the younger does pushes him over the edge. Yelling, screaming, crying- everything is escalating to a crisis.
Sometimes I wish I had only girls- they were much easier than boys…
I am trying to remain calm…
not raise my voice…
de-escalate his rage by not feeding into it.
But it is trying.
I remember B#2 tormenting me to the point of screaming- primal screams that hurt my throat.
I hated that out of control feeling that he could evoke.
I don't even remember what he used to do…
but he knew my triggers.
I also remember being ignored during the screaming…
no one cared that I was hurting…
I guess I screamed too many times.

I don't want mine to feel invisible or unheard…
yet I don't want to feed into the frenzy of the rage.
I've just got to trust my gut on this one.

I started putting next semester's classes together. It's going to be a long haul. I have to stay diligent and get the power points created as far ahead as possible so that I can remain calm. Luckily it's a combination of the other courses I've already taught, so I just have to combine knowledge.

We may have snow showers this weekend…
that would be awesome and amazing.
I don't like this 65 degree weather in December.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Pretty good place

Clare,

I'm sorry for my absence. I thought I had written on Friday. I read your post and thought I had written a reply…but obviously I didn't.
Friday was the last day of class. I had 25+ final projects to grade, which kept me busy all day. Then we went to a Kenny G concert in the evening. It was a great concert.
Yesterday I did yoga, walked a lot, and wrapped presents…
and then collapsed.
Today I went to Meeting, and then we went to meet my older son's girlfriend's family. They were cutting a Christmas tree and invited us to join them. We had a nice time. I really wanted to meet them because my son is going to be staying at their house 2 nights a week while taking classes next semester. It was important to talk about it in person.

I agree that change is good and inevitable. I don't agree that all change is preceded by chaos. I think there are whispers- subtle, intuitive hits that ask us to change. It is only when we ignore the subtle that the not-so-subtle hit us as chaos. I teach that everything changes- stagnant things die.
I do believe that I embrace change…even the tough stuff, reluctantly.

The poop cookies sound like fun. I'm sure the west coast family is going to enjoy them. I tried to get my sons to make cookies and wreathes with me last week- I ended up doing both alone, but still enjoyed the process.

I've been wrapping presents and getting stuff checked off my list. Tomorrow I believe I am going shopping one more time to get husband something- no idea what. That should be the end of my shopping. I have a few things ordered from the internet, so I'm still waiting for those.

I'm doing pretty well right now. I think I'm on top of my work. I have to prepare for the spring course, but I feel pretty good about my present state. I'm sure there's something I am missing….
but, for right now, things are good.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

moments of grace

Hi Maggie,

You seem to be MIA.  Hoping it is holiday over-scheduling.

I had a Quaker-day yesterday.  A small group of us did an Experiment With Light session. Then pot-luck and a committee meeting.

The Experiment With Light was fascinating.  Part of the directions are to sit back, relax and let Spirit tell you what issue you are dealing with.  Don't try to anticipate the issue that will arise, instead have faith and see.

I had no idea what to expect, and was very, very surprised to her the word "Changes."  I got the message that we can not change, because change is so much larger than we are.  Instead, we can accept change...or fight it tooth and nail unto the death, I suppose!

Change is preceded by, or maybe introduced by, chaos.  I got a full visual, sensual, of roiling lights and images and sensations. It was dramatic, yet beautiful.

After chaos, we struggle to create a new normal.  Then we treasure this normal so much, we fear the next bout of chaos. In considering this, I got a definite Irish brogue with the message, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know."

Change - I was given the image of standing in the ocean. As waves rushed past, around, and through me, pieces were washed away, leaving just spaces for Light, and for the next choices I make from the chaos.  Trust, be open to what comes.  Trust, ask, but don't beg for what you think you want.

While in the ocean, I understood that the kidney maintains the ocean, the maternal waters, within our earthly being.  As the ice melts and the ocean changes, so will we change, and so must the kidney change.

Kidneys maintain normal in times of change.  Don't numb feelings in times of change, it "kills" the kidney, so that it can not maintain balance. And I got a montage of short vignettes of family violence, mostly of people I didn't recognize.  And I understood the violence fractures the red chakra, impeding the kidney.

This week, the message seems to be change.  My "seer" neighbor said - Next year, you will see changes...a lot of changes.   The kids watched a movie last night. I knitted and really didn't pay attention.  But  in the film's dialogI heard a girl tell her mother:  But they're going to change everything. And the mother replied:  Sometimes Change is exactly what is needed.

I had all three eastern grandkids here last night.  Last summer, with the western kids, we made dog-poop cookies.  My grandson wanted to play a gag on his dad.  The east coast kids were so delighted, we decided to make several kinds of poop to send out west for Christmas. Last night we made a big ol' chocolate fudge cow pie, and some more dog poo.  I really looked forward to doing this.

But it was kind of rushed.  I was out all day, then came home with the youngest. The older two went to see The Nutcracker with their uncle and his girlfriend.  They came late, and kind of tired. So we just sort of did it.

Reminded me that we can't chose, or create, or force magic moments.  This will be a silly memory, but there will be a magic moment, full of grace and laughter when I least expect it!

Hope all is well with you and yours...

Love and hugs from Clare

be open

Hi Maggie,

Today we washed windows - me and my obstinate toddler companion who absolutely knows she can to get her own vinegar.  We now have vinegar everywhere. She is getting feisty.  I'm glad.  I remember once, at a friend's home, when my oldest was about the same age,  and she was not taking any flak from the boys.  I was a little surprised.  I wanted to be the Mama with the "nice" kids. My friend was watching, and said, "I like it when little girls are feisty."  She gave me new Mama-eyes.

Feisty can be a pain in the backside, but I like feisty!

I was "chatting" with S#5 last night. She said she likes Christmas better now that her son has grown up. She likes having the freedom to go enjoy the decorations, the music.  I started the conversation by mentioning that I got some decorations out yesterday to try to muster some Christmas spirit.

I started thinking that I don't like much of anything more without the kids.  But I am in my empty nest. The only "little one" I have is Nephew, and he is always at his girlfriend's house. So I'm basically alone with the critters.

I like alone.  A lot.

But, I started wondering if I would have more Christmas spirit if I were married. And I started to cry.

There's an answer.

Then I talked to a man today, who also has five kids, and he asked me some personal questions.  He said I'm still living the mother's life. And that's not enough.

He left me with one bit of wisdom, which he repeated several times. He said, "Be open."

I told him that I was taking that as a channeled message from Spirit.

No matter what - Christmas comes!

Love and hugs Little Sister!

Clare

attitude

Hi Maggie,

It's funny, but I'm not getting that Christmas feeling either.  It really doesn't seem like Christmas is coming at all. 

So today I decided that maybe if I did a little decorating, I would make space for the Christmas spirit.  I went upstairs and found the creche and our tacky little pink Christmas tree.  Then the baby and I went for a walk so we could cut some greens.  We found a large branch that broke off a big tree, and hauled that to the house.

After we were done, the baby wished everyone a Happy Birthday, and she asked me where the cake was.

Not exactly in the spirit yet, but she was fun.

I meant to pop in here last night and write to you, but I had a committee meeting.  After we were done, I was just plain old tired.  I'm still getting over this cold. Is this what it means to get older?  I used to blast right through viruses.  This has now been over a week, and I'm still coughing and croaking.

Oh well, every day is a little better.

When I read your words, "You have such a full life." my first thought was that you were making fun of me - although I know that would be extremely out of character. But my mind went to just how small and compressed my life seems to be. I used to be out there saving the world.  Now I'm home, working, watching a baby and -- doing not-enough.

But then I considered, and there is a lot to be joyful about in my life.  I just need to remember that!

Still doing ancestor work at night.  Last night I made a circle with my family, and then all of you siblings were in wheels with your families, and we all fit together like cogs - we were interconnected.  We all moved together, each affected the other's movements.

I wished someone a good weekend today. He reminded me it is only Tuesday, we have to get through the whole week first.  It's gonna be a long week, I fear!

Love and hugs from Clare

no christmas spirit

Clare,

A quiet day here. I went to the office this morning and was told I had no one scheduled until 12:30…
so I came home and worked on a few things.
It was so quiet and peaceful…
all alone.

I had only 2 clients today. One I've written about before. She has been traumatized her whole life, but recently was held hostage and assaulted while being held. I suggested a few alternative treatments to see if she can stop the frequent flashbacks. I feel that it's the right course of action, but also feel like I'm experimenting with her case. I wonder if these modalities that I've read and learned about are truly effective. Both of these women are survivors and have lived through hell, my heart is saddened when I see them, and at the same time inspired by their tenacity and courage.

Tonight is sling yoga. I love doing yoga in the sling…
hanging upside down and stretching things that never were stretched before.
My lower back is bothering me- from walking on the treadmill- so I cannot wait to hang and let gravity work on that area.

I am sitting here, falling asleep…
it hasn't been that demanding of a day…
I've got to wake up.

I can't quite get into the Christmas spirit this year. I'm not listening to Christmas Carols. I have no interest in baking cookies. I have gifts for my family members, but none that I'm really excited about. I hope that the magic hits me soon. I am excited to give away all of the scarves I knitted last winter when I was in my Tamoxifen depression. I made 20+ scarves and have donated some to the homeless, but the rest are going to family and friends.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

one of those days

Clare,

You have such a full life…
that's a blessing.

At Meeting this morning a woman was sharing her ideas on the spiritual desert…
as soon as she said "desert" I was pummeled by a wave of emotion…
I thought, "Oh no, it's gonna be one of those days"…
I sat with the desert for a bit…
crying…
flooded with emotions about our Arizona desert experience…
I rose to speak and talked about the life giving properties of the desert…
I talked about the blanket stepping I had- leaving behind the need to protect and perfect and picking up the courage to love human imperfection. I spoke of walking forward with a heart at peace.
I hadn't thought of those terms in a while…
but it made a strong impression on me to bring home to the boys.
After Meeting I got a hug from an elderly friend whose daughter died after a battle with addiction…
it was a wonderful moment.

One of our elderly Friends died yesterday. I've never been to a Quaker Memorial service, but I will be at this one in January.

We decorated the Meeting House with greens and candles today also. I love the Meeting house when it's readied for Christmas. I love Christmas Eve in silent candle light. It's a good time of the year.

My older son has enrolled for 2 classes at the community college that his girlfriend attends. He is taking painting and marketing…enough to get a taste. He is excited about finishing the high school diploma and moving ahead. Little steps…
He reminded me that I promised him a monkey when he graduates…
I'm not sure how that is going to play out.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Sunday evening ramblings

Hi Mags,

Having an off day...a nice and quiet day, but...I saw a photo of a friend's horse barn, with two wreaths on the double doors.  It was festive, but I suddenly wondered why we do that.  I'm feeling the same way about decorating the house, about putting up a Christmas tree...Why do it?  Why do we do it?  It all seems just a little bit strange. I don't quite understand...

I'm having one of those many moments when I wonder which planet I m really from!

I've also been thinking about the frustration we feel when someone sits in their misery, refusing to make a decision, to do something different, to move on.  I wonder if we are harsher with family members, people we are lovingly connected to.  A dear friend of mine just had a helluva week, very much in response to the lingering effects of childhood trauma tendrilling through her life.  I feel very tender and compassionate about  everything she is getting through. This is her path.  

It seems love and acceptance must be the key.  None of us can fathom exactly what the other is going through, which hurts are in the part of the swamp that are currently stopping all process.

I think we need love and compassion, which means losing the frustration. 

It almost seems that to be a counselor, you must be a channeler.  You must listen to both the human being you have the honor of working with/learning from, and to Spirit.  Both offer the gift of diving into Love.

I don;t feel like I'm making much sense. My poor brain is still oxygen deprived, I suppose.

Hope all is full of laughter in your home!

Love and hugs from Clare

laugh

Hi Maggie,

Humor is the healing grace, the saving grace, of life.  I want to see your taxidermied boobs on the wall over the fireplace...in my imagination anyway.  You are too funny...

We do get keloids.  That's a lovely family trait.  Remember B#2's "earthworm" after his car acident when he was 20?  They did exploratory abdominal surgery, and made an incision from sternum to pubis, with a curve around his belly button. A few months later, the healing scar looked just like an earthworm.  And remember when I was bitten on my neck by a horse?  It looked like I had a wad of bubble gum stuck on me for years.  I was pregnant with my first, and I remember that my father-in-law's mother was so upset - she was absolutely sure that the baby would be born with the same scar.

This latest Reiki alignment sounds fabulous.  I wonder how many people are already there?  I wonder if your healer could put the rest of us there, too??

I'm still struggling with this cold.  The baby has it too.  Last night she refused dinner and fell asleep at about 6:30.  She was really out until a neighbor called at about 9:00. Then she was up and wanted dinner. I got her back down by about 10:00 or a bit later and she slept through. At 8:00, we were both sleeping - until the dogs had enough of sleeping humans.

I had the baby overnight so that my daughter could go out with her coworkers, as a Christmas celebration.  She said they got into a discussion about family. Four of the six women she works with are very closely attached to their mothers. She told me how important it is to her to talk to me every day. I was really touched.

Then I remembered being at an herb workshop in the forest, years and years ago. My interaction with my daughter made a young woman cry.  She didn't know it was possible for someone to have a relationship like that with her mom.  I remember being very surprised, and commenting that she never saw us bickering in the grocery store.

Which reminds me that I watched a video yesterday. A high school student asked people if she could film them. They said yes, she turned on the camera and said, "I'm filming what I find beautiful."   Then we watched the expressions change.  I cried. Of course, everything makes me cry these days. I feel so soft and open. I'm not sure what is happening, but I am enjoying feeling...just, feeling.

One subject in the video began threatening the girl who was filming her.  I understood this need to reject compliments...

Which is probably why I made the crack about the supermarket, rather than honoring my relationship with my child.

I wish I had the same relationship with all 5, but...again, I am forgetting to honor what I do have...which is 5 healthy, beautiful, intelligent, kind children who I m so proud of.

So, I am still tired.  And feeling a bit less than profound.

Sending love and hugs...

Clare

Good morning

Clare,

I hope that you are sleeping in and working your way through this cold.

I got up early because I have a man putting the snow guards on my roof- no more avalanches when it snows. The company only sent one guy, and he admitted he's only done this a few times. I hope he knows enough to do a good job. They forgot to tell him that I have a leak around one of my vents, even though that was the original reason I contracted this company.

I probably won't be going to yoga this morning. I am uncomfortable leaving a person climbing steep roofs with no one around in case of problems. So, I am here for a while. I wonder if I should wrap the few presents that I already have at the house? Maybe that would be a good use of my time.

I have to tell you about last evening. My youngest and his girlfriend were hanging out. we started talking about my knee injury when he was a baby. I tore my meniscus as we fell down the stairs. The story then went to weaning him, because I weaned him after the surgery due to the chemicals I was given. We were teasing him about liking boobs and he was laughing and playing along…so I told him I had a very special christmas present for him. I told him I'd "taxidermied" my boobs for him to keep for all times. His girlfriend looked so shocked and then laughed so hard…they both were surprised that I would say something so off-the-wall.
We all laughed…
even husband…
who doesn't always think these things are funny.

So, my reiki friend's alignment has left me feeling odd- in a good way. I feel as if things are happening at a slower pace- not slow motion- that allows me to take in more and think about what's actually happening. It is kind of like an enhanced awareness. At first I thought I was exhausted because things seemed to be an effort. But, after two days, it isn't really a physically demanding effort rather it is a space to breath and think, during the action. Have you seen the Sherlock Holmes movie? They gave Holmes the power to "see" how things would play through prior to the event- like a fight scene and he was able to plan how he would respond to things. It's kind of like that. Does that make sense?
In a session on Thursday, I was listening to a client complain bitterly about her life circumstances. I was able to remain silent long enough to formulate a simple response…
nothing earth shattering…
but this client usually makes me shut down because she carries so much negativity…
the response was simple- give yourself more time…
self-care…
and she made excuses why that can't work in her life…
and yet I just calmly stayed with that suggestion.
I was sure that those were the words she needed to hear.
We'll see how that plays out.

Anyway, I hope that you are feeling much better.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

No real news

Clare,

Sorry, I had two very busy days. Not really legitimate excuse for missing, but it is the truth.
The oncologist looked at the skin lesion…
quickly told me it was a keloid…
then took a longer look at it…
asked me to see the breast surgeon…
But to use steroid cream on it with massage for a month before I go.
She didn't like that it was only on one side (the side with the cancer) when both sides had drainage tubes.
So, I have an appointment with the breast surgeon on my birthday.
No answers yet.

My reiki appointment was great…
as usual.
She is still expanding chakras, and she aligned my energy grid with the earth and the universe to make me more grounded…
I am supposed to feel more calm and grounded…
which I do feel, but it may be the power of suggestion.

One more week to this semester. Next week I am teaching the Stress=Dis-ease lecture.
I really love teaching that material.
I picked up the physiology book today from the bookstore. I don't even know where to begin. The idea of designing a full course over the next month is intimidating…
and a challenge…
I hope that I can get a good idea of the scope and breadth of the material so it makes sense.

I met husband's pastor- a former quaker, educated at Earlham College. He is very interested in anti-violence social movements. He was a bit rough in the way that he spoke, but he had some good suggestions and ideas.

I have trouble figuring out how I would work with family members, because I know things that they might not voluntarily tell me. In therapy you only have the facts that the client shares. I had one client yesterday who reminded me very much of S#3 and I found myself frustrated…
everything happens to her…
she refuses to choose and so nothing is really her fault…
but then again everything is her fault (her words).


I hope that you feel better over the weekend.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

not much...

Hi Maggie,

Kind of waiting on pins and needles here...need to know what happened with the oncologist and the Reiki master...

I'm still congested and hoarse.  But I have been working of course, because that's the American way! I called someone today who was as sick as I am, and we laughed a lot as we croaked at each other and talked about healing soup recipes.  There are sparkles of joy everywhere, I think.

The baby is also sick.  Trying to keep her occupied and centered is...trying.  I realize how much I relied on the boob back in the olden days.  Today we made peanut butter cookies and she dumped lots of raisins and dried cranberries and coconut in the dough.  Not traditional, but who cares - they're cookies, which we didn't eat because we both felt yucky. Same with the bread and butter.  We ate some beans, because they were soft and warm on the throat.  But I certainly could not taste them.

Makes me realize both how much we use our senses, and how much we take them for granted.  We just expect food to have a flavor...you know?

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday.  I need two down days...

People are starting to talk about Christmas a lot, and I'm still not feeling it.  Wonder if I pretended to feel  it, if I would start to feel it???

Not much deep to report or discuss.  Just wanted to touch in and stay connected.

Love and hugs from Clare

what do we do??

Hi Maggie,

My cold worsened overnight. I woke up not able to speak...I could just croak.  I worked for an hour and a half then contacted my manager and asked to be released from the rest of my schedule for the day; except for the brainstorming session.  I whispered my way through that, and it went so well, we extended to double the original time allowed.  I really felt listened to.

I spent the day mostly not talking.  I had the baby, who is also developing congestion.  She slept a lot.  I should have joined her, but instead, I have been knitting.

So S#3 fits the mold of a survivor of an abusive/neglectful childhood.  What would you do for a client with her patterns?  I know things changed for me after I made the decision to call her regularly after her suicide attempt.  She taught me that when someone in our family is quiet, something bad is happening. She made me see the pattern in my life. When I need help the most, I go as far underground as I can get. I get myself completely off the radar.

Things are changing. Talks at the sisters weekend on the island led to more transparency in our lives, and the assurance of love and acceptance.

What do we do?

I can't make her come up here alone.  Maybe some weekend you could bring her and then she could leave her car for her daughter.  Two-against-one sister bullying!  But, I always have the sense that you are so incredibly busy, that it seems like an intrusion to even ask..

 I hope all goes well with the oncologist. I know it will go well with your Reiki healer.

You know, except for my frenetic knitting, it doesn't really feel like Christmas yet.  I think I learned not to get excited. I remember reading a book about Christmas - Next Year Will Be Better by Maeve Binchy.  I think I always had that in mind...the ideal of a perfect Christmas.  But it has never happened.  And so I have learned to accept that whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and to be open to that.  I don't feel much anticipation, but I enjoy the times that we celebrate together. 

Maybe I'm just getting old.

I was asked to edit papers written by a foreign doctoral student.  I think my French and violin have just been put on hold.  Actually, I put my violin away before S#3 got here, and haven't gotten it back out yet...I've been a bit more faithful about my French...until now.

Felling tired, so I'm going to call it a night early...

Love and hugs from Clare

mixed messages

Clare,

Tough day at work…
5 scheduled…
one no-show…
one fired me after 5 minutes…
and one normal session.

I'm not sure what's in the stars right now.
Oh well…
all's fair in the mental health world.
I get such mixed messages from my counseling work.

I see my oncologist tomorrow…
I'm nervous…
I think I'm inventing things to make myself worried.
Oh well…

After that appointment I go to see my reiki healer…
I'm excited about that.
She's expanding my chakras to make me more intuitive.
I have noticed subtle differences, but am not sure if it's imagined or not at this point.
My friend- a massage therapist, my yoga instructor, and I are going to have her do the first level attunement for us…
probably right after the holidays…
that will be good for me…
it will help me during sessions with clients…
I will subtly read their energy while they are talking.

I have been sitting with the line you wrote about my young friend several posts ago…
"at least he knows someone wants him"…
I think that's very important for him and for me.
I may never be able to physically create a home for him, but I can consistently maintain a space for him in my heart and life. I try very hard to listen and watch him as he speaks- so that he knows what he thinks and feels are important. I really love it when he shares his writing- because I believe that shows his trust in me. I try to offer him advice and guidance, without being overbearing, so that he can choose his path. I try to honor him in all that he shares with me.

I hope that you are well.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie