It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

Yesterday was so confusing…I am writing to help myself to process it all.
Husband worked yesterday, the kids and I spent the day very relaxed and enjoying each other's company. About noon the 4 of them drove to visit husband and deliver some coffee and sweet rolls. Husband was more than pleased to be remembered. We opened presents in the afternoon- no fighting this year. And then had dinner…daughter#1's boyfriend came over and all of us played Apples to Apples…laughing, joking…it was fabulous…just like I imagine Christmas should be.

Then…
in the evening…
son#1 asked for his phone back.

I need to take a paragraph and explain why he doesn't have it…
on Christmas eve a stranger knocked on our door. When I answered it he was holding some envelopes with my name on them. He explained that he had picked them up on his property…
and showed me a photo of his property with boxes of my recycling strewn over it…
son#1's chore is to drive recycling to the center…
he decided it didn't matter where he threw it …
he had somewhere else to go so...
he dumped it onto this guy's property.
I made him (with the help of his brother) go and clean it up.
He was very angry…couldn't understand what the big deal is…"littering isn't so bad!".

Well when they got home I asked both of them to do a urine drug screen. This is an agreement we have…because of past use and their wanting freedom to drive and visit their friends.
Well, they both handed me cold urine…
and then nastily called me "psycho" when I told them that urine comes out of your body at 98.6 degrees…
despite the diluted urine they still were positive for marajuana…
so they are grounded…no car…no phones…stay here unless you are with one of us.
This was difficult…but we talked it out and they seemed resigned to their fate.

So back to Christmas evening. When I explained that punishments are meant to teach and that going without a cell phone for 24 hours was not really a punishment, he lost it.
He said a lot of things…
loudly…
but most concerning is his threat to leave…
he wants to make it on his own…
he hates me…
and this family…
and just wants out!
I- to my own surprise- stayed relatively calm…
continued to tell him he is loved and wanted and that running away is not an acceptable reaction.
He gathered all of his presents and re-delivered them to me, telling me he doesn't want stuff from us.
I slept on the couch in the great room because I feared him leaving.

While on the couch my youngest and my oldest sat and talked with me. Assuring me that it would be all right. I had a very long…
deep conversation with my youngest about drug use…
and the fact that it is a distraction from developing into full potential.
He told me his best times are when he is high…
that's great, I told him…
but you can find those highs within yourself…
but it takes work…and time.
We are drugging ourselves out of real progress…all of the meds that we use on kids and adults to help them cope with life…what about coping by processing experiences, 'coming to grips' with what happens in your life…reaching out to others when you need their help to make sense of something…or need to laugh and just let go? We are altering our brain chemistry artificially…making it quicker and easier to cope…sometimes that is vital…sometimes it is convenient.

Anyway, back to son#1…I think his quick decompensation was a withdrawal from something…maybe nicotine…he's been smelling like cigarettes…always blames it on some one's mom or dad. I know today will be a roller coaster. I just hope that I can handle it. I hid all of the car keys, my wallet, anything that he could use to get away. I hope that later today I feel foolish for taking such measures, but I can't let him make an even bigger mistake by leaving. I love him so much. I want the best for him. I can't force him into a productive life, but I can try to guide him from making poor choices.

Sorry to dump all of this at your feet…I just need to rethink the events and try to make sense of it all.
Love and Light,
Maggie