Do I hate Christmas?

Oh Honey, no offense, but that is too, too funny.  In all of my years, it never, ever entered my mind that not only were we allowing a stranger to enter our home, but we were inviting him to break in.  And not only that, but it was a man with a list of all of our sins for the year.  And only if we passed his approval would we be worthy to receive gifts.  Thinking about it this way makes Christmas even a bit more bizarre!

I am trying to make memories with my grandchildren.  (Last night, opened for one night only, dinner was served at Mima's Diner.  We had a seating host and a waitress.)   But what is better is that when the kids are here, I step out of myself.  I am only with them, attentive to them.  I leave all of my inner drama behind and play with them.  Sometimes I wonder how they see me.  Sometimes I feel a little judgmental and bossy.  But, they always want to come here, so basically I am good.

I had my annual Christmas breakdown today.  I cried because...I don't know...because Christmas is going to be disappointing again this year.  I'm not prepared, I have no way of getting prepared.  I am already on track to just get through it.  I don't talk about this to anyone, except here undercover with you.  But today I was wondering if we are still behaving like victims when we don't share our thoughts our feelings of persecution with anyone. Maybe I am a closet victim, but that means my victimy self is leaking...

Why does everything feel so much more intense at this time of year?  I read a quote recently that said our thoughts and feelings are always more intense at night, in the dark.  Maybe this time of year does the same thing to us.

I want to try something... I hate Christmas...Hmmm...I HATE CHRISTMAS!  I am saying it aloud.  I can't tell if I believe myself or not.  I HATE LIFE...no, that makes me cry.  I don't hate life...But maybe I hate Christmas.  Maybe I do, but maybe I want to love it.  Maybe I hate myself but I want to love me.  Okay, that sparks huge emotion.  I know all of our baggage is connected.  It's like there a roll of toilet paper flowing through everything, caught in all the zippers...

I was looking at Christmas photos, and I love the darkened rooms with lights.  That makes me feel cozy and I want that.  I think maybe I am caught in the whole, if you're good you get good things, but if you are bad - nothing for you...the child in me is still sad at this time of year.

Need to figure out how to use that toilet paper to clean up the swamp!!

I love you...

Clare