Synchronicity...someone accused me of acting like a victim and of not accepting help, which does not quite make sense, but is not absolutely wrong. These jabs hurt, but I am trying to stand and try them on. Sometimes I agree, sometimes not.
But I read your "Don't help people who don't want to be helped." and I felt the poke. Let me just say that sometimes we don't want help not because we don't want to change, but like a defiant toddler - We wanna do it ourselves. It's like I'm trying to jump across the creek. Don't push, I'll do it. And if I fall in - big deal. I'll wade. It may not be elegant - but I get there!
I think I fear the strings that may be attached if I do accept help. And then there's that voice, that paternal voice I simply can't erase, and have not quite disempowered that tells me I am a pain in the ass, it's all my fault, and don't even dare ask - we're done with you.
I had never considered S#5 in the terms you described. I started wondering if that's a survival technique for the youngest of a large brood. She had the smallest voice, so she found others to speak with her.
The other pattern I recognize. It is the same pattern as my mother-in-law. Her life was absolute chaos because her father was an alcoholic. He was a mean, falling down drunk. Because her life in her original family was out of control she controlled every aspect of her adult life. It's classic. I see it in other family members. What was amazing was when my mother-in-law went to ACOA meetings, and one day she told me she knew she drove us all crazy with her perfectionism, but she was working on it. Vulnerable, honest moments like that were what led to a true fondness, and a deep love between us. In the beginning I never would have thought it possible...but love overcomes, if we allow it.
I remember Thanksgivings from way back when we were small. Dad was usually in a good mood, which made the day okay. I guess I mostly remember turkeys cooking, but I don't really remember the meals. I remember the aromas. Maybe that's what connects the holidays in my mind - sage and pumpkin pie spice!
After working the weekend, I am working an extra hour every day, trying to make up for the two days I will take off for Thanksgiving. The house is a wreck, and I have a lot of cooking to do. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I know I will get it all done, but I am afraid I will be exhausted. I don't want another holiday where I wish myself through it rather than experience and enjoy it. Especially Thanksgiving - I love Thanksgiving.
You know the first Thanksgiving I really remember is the one when I refused to come home. So I understand why you remember the ones from when you were in school.
We are preparing to be snowed and iced in until Thursday. How are things at the beach?
I love you,
Clare
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