I decided that our internal swamps develop as unshed tears, muck up all the dirty we feel inside. Maybe we need to cry to drain the swamp. Then we settle as it all dries out. And last - we dance. We dance to shake it loose, to feel alive, then to loose the dust of painful memories to the Universe to be transformed to something sparkly and lovely.
Tears ARE cleansing...
that is an incredible image for the work that we are doing.
It pulls together all of the hashing and rehashing of our words.
It makes me think that Clarissa Pinkola Estes is going to show up with a story of the swamp...
Women Who Emerge from Swamps...
maybe?
It acknowledges and ascribes a richness of experience to something unspeakably dehumanizing...
abuse.
It validates intentionally journeying through the process of healing.
Interpersonal violence makes us believe that we are no better than animals...
not really human...
no better than garbage.
It is so much harder to face reality and walk through the pain.
Most just rewrite their story, leaving out the dirty, secretive parts...
but, until those are met, face to face, they maintain a hold on the soul.
I had lunch with a Friend/friend this week.
A few weeks ago, in Meeting, a man was struggling with the imminent death of his wife.
After he spoke, very emotionally, my friend spoke about the importance of community and supporting each other.
Well, as I told her, as soon as she finished speaking I had the sensation of internal pressure...
I needed to speak...
I fought it, as usual...
but, that is a battle that I never win.
I began to speak about the importance of community and supporting one another.
I then moved into a very personal example...
of my writing the letter to our family about our history as a response to B#2's suicide attempt...
and how that has left me orphaned and abandoned, except for you.
I spoke of my Meeting struggle with RE and my responsibilities involved in clerking that committee, and my need to shed those responsibilities...
all of the time remaining silent about my real struggle.
I didn't have a problem with RE...
I had lost my family of origin.
But, the Meeting only saw my need to release responsibility...
"How could you know?" I asked them...
Unless I am willing to expose- verbalize- my vulnerability, how could they possibly know?
Courage means being able to tell one's story from the heart (thanks Brene Brown).
Despite every cell of my being crying for someone to notice my pain...in reality only one woman did.
I was so cold to her one evening she confronted me and asked what she had done to upset me.
I had to face the truth...
I was an orphan who wanted this Meeting to assume the role of my family and they were deeply disappointing me...asking more and more of me without noticing that I was dying inside.
I had to say the words out loud.
My friend apologized for not hearing the message...
but asked me to join Care and Concern Committee...
I am not sure if that is an enticement into once again overextending myself.
(I am on my third glass of wine with only fruit to eat today...I am not sure if that is the gluten free diet that you were referring to?...excuse my rambling...please.)
I have spent today in the presence of strangers with a common interest...trauma and its profound effects on humans.
I find myself at times in perfect synchronicity with the presenters...and other times angry for their short sightedness. I heard the pioneer in Epigenetics describe his work and science. He was amazing. Particularly the message that, at the beginning of his career, everyone told him that DNA methylation was a distraction, an epiphenomenon, not a meaningful physiological process, and not to waste his time.
He ignored them...
I already like him...
and he has blazed a trail that leads to the intersection of nature(genetics/epigenetics) and nurture.
The science geek within me is rejoicing at this moment...
that their are people who buck the establishment to forge new paths into human beings' integrated physiology...
mind/body/spirit.
I heard several young women discuss cultural differences in resilience to trauma. They spoke of studies in Sri Lanka post-Tsunami and in former female child soldiers in Bhutanese refugees...
and defined successful resilience as being able to suppress their emotional reaction in order to function on a day to day basis...
I am starting to cry...
What about the cost to their soul?
What about their sacrifice of personal health in order to maintain their family or community structure?
Why do individuals have to relinquish their personal health and spiritual advancement for the sake of conformity...for the sake of the greater good?
Why is the individual less valued than the species?
All of this makes me physically distraught, because I personally understand the consequences of sacrificing oneself for the sake of the whole.
While it make propagate the species...
a major biological imperative...
it does nothing for personal health or growth.
As a scientist, I can understand the survival of the fittest...
that the primary purpose of one generation is to propagate the next...
beyond that nothing matters...
but, as an incredibly damaged, but definitely resilient, individual...
that sucks!
I imagine that I have more issues than most...
but, I am starting to seriously wonder if anyone has a clean slate.
Is it possible to be a human and not be damaged?
I really don't think anyone is without scars.
And, then again, perhaps that is what makes us most human.
One of the presenter..
the one who worked with Bhutanese, female child soldiers who later experienced domestic violence...
had a quote from one of her study participants..
a young woman, conscripted into military action by the government or rebels who later married and experienced domestic violence...
The woman said,
"The fate of an earthen pot is like the life of a girl, once broken cannot be put back together in a useful way."
GOD DAMN IT!
This male dominated culture really pisses me off...
But then on deeper introspection I find a path to enlightenment.
We can't really find our true spiritual home...
integration of body, mind and soul...
until we have been broken in our human existence...
left open and unprotected by the usual defense mechanisms...
I understand, at a much deeper level, the scars of being a female. A researcher (female) who spoke about women, forced to serve in violent conflicts as children, still feeling as if her main role in society is to support and be submissive to her husband, even if he is violent and threatening her life..
and still socially subordinate to her parents and in-laws...
to the point of ostracism or death if she is a nonconformist...
It makes me overwhelmingly sad to contemplate that life.
Where is her fulfillment?
Who cares about her growth?
My mind is reeling...
I will check in later...perhaps after processing some of this information and these intense feelings of impropriety.
I love you,
Love and Light,
Maggie
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