conflicting emotions

So, there was only one glass of wine left in the bottle for tonight...
I may not be as passionate...
but I will try to let it free without spirits.

I am really feeling challenged by this conference...
in positive and negative ways...
but it is making me think and consider what exactly the words mean.
I am having trouble with the definitions used for words that are easily bantered about.
Words that, when truly lived, crush and fragment a human life. Each carefully defined to allow scientific evaluation, but grossly ignoring the complexities of human development and well being.

vulnerability
resilience
threat
chronic trauma
acute trauma
child sexual abuse
adolescent sexual abuse
adult sexual abuse

I listened to 4 men today talk about coincidental vulnerability and resilience...
they questioned the current approaches and concepts of these two variables.
They originally defined vulnerability as the presence of a threat,
and resilience as the resistance to that threat.

Vulnerability can mean so many things...there is a continuum of vulnerability and multiple layers -biochemical, body systems, individual, family, community, society- that it can't be neatly placed into a box.
Vulnerability was defined as resistance to threats,
but it also means being open, softened, flexible to new experiences and to other beings...
that's a healthier, more holistic concept of vulnerability. It is necessary for a full life.
Resilience defined as being resistant to the effects of trauma...
but that implies that there is a "circling the wagons" or "batten down the hatches" reaction...
personally closing down any opportunity or opening for the threat (or anything for that matter) to penetrate into the physical and psyche. Resilience again makes me think of a flexible, supple, adaptive, responsive state, where learning and self-love can live. Again a necessity of an integrated life.

I am beginning to see vulnerability and resilience, not as opposites, but as complementary strengths.
To be truly resilient a traumatized person must heal and regain enough of them self that they dare to be vulnerable once again...
that they are willing to risk being hurt once again...
trusting another human being...
even though humans have previously hurt them.
That's real courage.

Health is the balance between vulnerability and resilience...
each modulating the other in a dynamic, interactive way.
That's how innocent children operate...with the help of parents.
That re-balancing will restore health.

One concept that I particularly liked was one gentleman's term "coping ugly" he also used the term "fragile resilience"...
to describe a traumatized victim who is actively trying to cope...
but their environment has little to offer and so their attempts are unhealthy.
This was an interesting way to consider those who make really poor choices that just further increase their traumas.
One woman offered another suggestion...
"negative resilience"...
acknowledging their attempts, but recognizing that eventually these would lead them into further destruction.
Things like using sex to numb emotional pain or relieve loneliness, drug or alcohol abuse to numb, eating disorders to control the body and mind...that makes sense.
I think that I will hang onto that idea for the future.

I learned that child victims of emotional abuse are more likely to be sexually assaulted as adults than child sexual abuse survivors...I have to wrap my brain around that. I think it has to do with the fact that emotional abuse chips away at the self...and continues to do so for a long time. Physical abuse or sexual abuse has a temporal- time and location- quality while emotional abuse can echo inside your head for ever...
it is really difficult to remove those nasty voices....
I don't know...
I will have to think about that some more.

I got really frustrated when a researcher said that the reason that child abuse of young children is more damaging is because it can happen for longer periods of time than adolescent abuse...
how short sighted is that?
I had to ask her to consider the stage of brain development at the time of abuse ...
also if a 5 year old is being abused it is most likely by a family member or caregiver...
adolescents and adults have more social interaction so it could be at the hands of an acquaintance or stranger.

I just want people to see the importance of the disconnect...
the confusion and chaos that plagues you when your family hurts you...
it makes it so much more damaging.
The fundamental trust is shattered.
It's damn near impossible to put the pieces back together again.

I have conflicting emotions at this conference. Part of me is thrilled to be with people who dedicate their lives to the traumatized...but then again I think there is an overwhelming sense of the magnitude of suffering so they have created boundaries and definitions and goals that are attainable...and even then they are burning out. we need to struggle for prevention strategies for interpersonal violence...that would take care of the worst suffering.

I really enjoyed the workshop on mindfulness and meditation to help veterans with PTSD...what a great concept.

That's all for now.
I probably won't have a chance to write tomorrow...
I hope that your visit with your friend is a wonderful time.
Love and Light,
Maggie