Life's summary

Clare,

When I think about your question from several days ago, What am I thankful for?…I would have to say growth and healing. My life is so different then it was several years ago…the road has been exhausting, it's had ups and downs, but I feel as if I have earned the peace that I am finding. As I write this I realize that The peace I am feeling is probably temporary…just offering rest until the next emotional upheaval…but every time we dig deeper we find deeper peace.

I am trying to remember my life-decade by decade- my teen years were about perfection…making up for the "screw-ups" of the boys. The more they got into trouble, the better I had to be. I guess I felt that our parents should have someone who made them look good…I never realized how much I sacrificed to create that illusion. The moving sucked…but we had longer periods of time in one home at that time, so it wasn't too bad. It is funny though, when we lived on Forge Road I switched elementary schools after the first year…so even when we were stable I had to be uprooted.

My 20's were all about professional development and achievement. I loved it. I was finally being recognized for what I could bring to the table. I was fairly competitive, but never cutthroat. I had goals and was determined not to get sidetracked. I dated minimally, but seriously. I married and started thinking about having children. I was frustrated by infertility, but with patience that was overcome. I had it all…at least I thought I did.

My 30's were family and career balancing. My life swirled around me…for better and for worse. I overextended myself too many times and felt overwhelmed…but I was a good wife/mother/doctor/daughter and had to be perfect and please everyone…before myself. It was a "best of times, worst of times" scenario. I had children through that decade…practiced medicine until it became too much energy out without return. And then I stayed home and played with my babies. This kept me happy for many years…but then in my late 30's I became unhappy…with my marriage, my lack of outside stimulation, with myself. I began to sing again, and that gave me a sense of peace. This is the decade when the memories from my childhood began to surface…the sense of deeper scars became stronger and stronger.

My 40's were all about disruption…I started to look for my career again…my marriage failed…my kids became teenagers…I began to teach and then enrolled in grad school. I had to create total destruction in order to put the pieces back together in a meaningful way. It was hard…but definitely worth the effort. I learned to reach out to others…sharing more and more with people as I began to learn to trust…or at least identify the fact that trust is really hard for me.

50's seem to be a time of growth and using the lessons that I have learned…I hope so.

So…where do we go from here? Just keep moving towards the Light…and we will find answers along the way.

Love and Light,
Maggie