I went to bed at 9:30 last night and slept until almost 8:30 this morning...it felt great.
I went over and cleaned my horses...two women at the barn kept me engaged in conversation so I didn't have the opportunity to just be quiet with my horses...but it was good to be there and touch them.
I came home and mowed for several hours...I use my mower to mulch and blow the leaves so It is like vacuuming a really dirty room...you see instant results...which I like.
I picked up a book that I had read several years ago, which deeply affected me then and it is even more so now. The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron describes a simple practice to openheartedness, but it is not easy. It asks that you stay in the uncomfortable places and circumstances...to breathe through the uncertainty...to wish good things for those who persecute you...to be present, rather than retreating into habits that shield us from life.
As I was working today I reminded myself, time and time again, to remain present. It is interesting because each time I noticed incredible colors and smells...but soon I was focused on the ground again and my mind was wandering to some past frustration. It is so easy to let the mind drift away from the present. I wonder how much of my day is spent drifting somewhere else in time or place...just to escape the stress or boredom of my life.
I think that through all of this I am reinforcing my frustration and fear of certain people and situations. For instance, today I was ruminating on an email sent by one of my students, telling me she couldn't find me to turn in her project due yesterday. She told me that she left it for me in the computer lab in a closet. The kind hearted, generous, easily manipulated me would have ran back to campus and picked it up, but the maternal me decided to make a lesson out of this. I told her that the project is late and that she can bring it to class on Monday. I also noted that she couldn't find me because she hadn't bothered to show up for class. The problem is that I have been stuck on this one email for over 24 hours. Why can't I just let it go? I keep replaying it, anticipating Monday when she will come in apologetic or maybe belligerent with her project....either way I will have rehearsed the scene over many times and probably be ready to strike (verbally of course). Why can't I just accept that she made a choice. It affects her grade. It really has no bearing on my life, except for the power I have given to it to steal my attention from a beautiful day.
I release this...I am no longer going to give any of my power to it.
This morning, as I was meditating, I had a strange conversation run through my brain. I imagined a conversation with Dad. I asked if he remembered me as a child, and what specific memories he has. I asked him if he liked me in those years...
the problem is there was no answer...
just silence.
I think I am being asked to have a conversation with him.
My wise friend once told me about a healing conversation between her and her father.
She never told me to copy this...but the message was clear.
And now I am imagining the very conversation. I just am not sure that I am strong enough to find out that he really doesn't remember me...specifically, not just as one of the nine, or one of the 'little girls'. It is my expectation that he will not remember me. But, at some point I have to find out, and then deal with those emotions. Just thinking about that is making me breath heavily and tear up...I must be close to something.
I am going back to my beautiful, active, well rested day. There is a mushroom stew in the crock pot and I am safe, warm, and content. That is what really matters.
I love you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
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