Clare,
When I think about your question from several days ago, What am I thankful for?…I would have to say growth and healing. My life is so different then it was several years ago…the road has been exhausting, it's had ups and downs, but I feel as if I have earned the peace that I am finding. As I write this I realize that The peace I am feeling is probably temporary…just offering rest until the next emotional upheaval…but every time we dig deeper we find deeper peace.
I am trying to remember my life-decade by decade- my teen years were about perfection…making up for the "screw-ups" of the boys. The more they got into trouble, the better I had to be. I guess I felt that our parents should have someone who made them look good…I never realized how much I sacrificed to create that illusion. The moving sucked…but we had longer periods of time in one home at that time, so it wasn't too bad. It is funny though, when we lived on Forge Road I switched elementary schools after the first year…so even when we were stable I had to be uprooted.
My 20's were all about professional development and achievement. I loved it. I was finally being recognized for what I could bring to the table. I was fairly competitive, but never cutthroat. I had goals and was determined not to get sidetracked. I dated minimally, but seriously. I married and started thinking about having children. I was frustrated by infertility, but with patience that was overcome. I had it all…at least I thought I did.
My 30's were family and career balancing. My life swirled around me…for better and for worse. I overextended myself too many times and felt overwhelmed…but I was a good wife/mother/doctor/daughter and had to be perfect and please everyone…before myself. It was a "best of times, worst of times" scenario. I had children through that decade…practiced medicine until it became too much energy out without return. And then I stayed home and played with my babies. This kept me happy for many years…but then in my late 30's I became unhappy…with my marriage, my lack of outside stimulation, with myself. I began to sing again, and that gave me a sense of peace. This is the decade when the memories from my childhood began to surface…the sense of deeper scars became stronger and stronger.
My 40's were all about disruption…I started to look for my career again…my marriage failed…my kids became teenagers…I began to teach and then enrolled in grad school. I had to create total destruction in order to put the pieces back together in a meaningful way. It was hard…but definitely worth the effort. I learned to reach out to others…sharing more and more with people as I began to learn to trust…or at least identify the fact that trust is really hard for me.
50's seem to be a time of growth and using the lessons that I have learned…I hope so.
So…where do we go from here? Just keep moving towards the Light…and we will find answers along the way.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, November 29, 2013
Giving thoughts/giving thanks
And another Thanksgiving is just a memory, joining with the others through my life. We had a nice day. In the morning, before the day really started, I read a post by a Quaker healer I have met - maybe, twice. He presented that this should be the best time of our lives...today. Then he sort of analyzed his life using this thought as his lens.
I thought about my life a lot last night, after the house was finally quiet and dark, and all the dogs were settled. I thought about our childhood - moving every year. Going to a new school every year. Almost always being the new kid. That was such instability. I remember envying a friend who always lived in the same house, with her grandmother and parents and siblings. Our only stability was each other - our family. And we know how unstable and unsafe that was.
I remember my teens as one long depression. I was so unhappy. I didn't belong anywhere. I always felt isolated. Then I went to college. I wasn't living with Dad. For the first time in my life, I felt - happy. I was fairly consistently happy. I mean, nothing's ever perfect, but in general I was okay. I dated my college sweetheart during this time, and still felt like myself, and like I was -- happy.
My twenties were about family - having my own. It wasn't too long after I married, that I had a bout with depression. I think that somewhere inside I knew I married Dad - someone like him, except young and polite. And less critical. But this was the decade when I really leapt into gardening, herbalism, activism. So they were good years. I was establishing who I am.
My thirties were a deepening...so deep I came out the other side. I walked into an Al-Anon meeting. The changes led to the end of my marriage. The choices were change or end...
My forties were back to instability. It is part of the rape culture that after a marriage ends in the US, a man's standard of living improves while the women and children struggle more. Sometimes I wonder if there is an intentional war on families in this country. But in my forties I found home. I know I belong in this region. I feel rooted for the first time in my life. I feel connected to the land here, like nowhere else ever before.
My fifties. I am working a lot. Involved with grandchildren - not as much as I had hoped. Still struggling. Not as happy as I was while at the university. I feel like life still has a lot of potential. I feel like I can still make a difference...
Why was I happy then? How do I find those insights or attitudes or activities now?
After all this thought, I had a dream. I took off all of my clothes and stood in front of a mirror. The parts of myself that I could see with my eyes were to be criticized. But when I stepped out of myself, and walked around myself, the parts I could not see were fine. I remember thinking that - I look fine.
That doesn't need a lot of analysis, does it?
Hope you had a deep and meaningful and joyful Thanksgiving.
Love from Clare
I thought about my life a lot last night, after the house was finally quiet and dark, and all the dogs were settled. I thought about our childhood - moving every year. Going to a new school every year. Almost always being the new kid. That was such instability. I remember envying a friend who always lived in the same house, with her grandmother and parents and siblings. Our only stability was each other - our family. And we know how unstable and unsafe that was.
I remember my teens as one long depression. I was so unhappy. I didn't belong anywhere. I always felt isolated. Then I went to college. I wasn't living with Dad. For the first time in my life, I felt - happy. I was fairly consistently happy. I mean, nothing's ever perfect, but in general I was okay. I dated my college sweetheart during this time, and still felt like myself, and like I was -- happy.
My twenties were about family - having my own. It wasn't too long after I married, that I had a bout with depression. I think that somewhere inside I knew I married Dad - someone like him, except young and polite. And less critical. But this was the decade when I really leapt into gardening, herbalism, activism. So they were good years. I was establishing who I am.
My thirties were a deepening...so deep I came out the other side. I walked into an Al-Anon meeting. The changes led to the end of my marriage. The choices were change or end...
My forties were back to instability. It is part of the rape culture that after a marriage ends in the US, a man's standard of living improves while the women and children struggle more. Sometimes I wonder if there is an intentional war on families in this country. But in my forties I found home. I know I belong in this region. I feel rooted for the first time in my life. I feel connected to the land here, like nowhere else ever before.
My fifties. I am working a lot. Involved with grandchildren - not as much as I had hoped. Still struggling. Not as happy as I was while at the university. I feel like life still has a lot of potential. I feel like I can still make a difference...
Why was I happy then? How do I find those insights or attitudes or activities now?
After all this thought, I had a dream. I took off all of my clothes and stood in front of a mirror. The parts of myself that I could see with my eyes were to be criticized. But when I stepped out of myself, and walked around myself, the parts I could not see were fine. I remember thinking that - I look fine.
That doesn't need a lot of analysis, does it?
Hope you had a deep and meaningful and joyful Thanksgiving.
Love from Clare
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Almost the holiday
Tonight we clean the kitchen, then we make a mess! We are going to make Grandma's rye bread, a pumpkin pie, a gluten-free pumpkin cheesecake and the cranberry sauce tonight. My oldest has called in a few times making sure the menu is coordinated. I like the chaos and confusion and contact. Tomorrow we will start the turkey, then after everyone arrives, we will work on vegetables. My youngest actually asked for Brussel's sprouts! Usually I am the lone fan of this vegetable.
I had a long conversation with someone who had just attended a two day workshop on emotional intelligence. The leader said that all of our professional problems stem from our childhood! Those of us who were raised without praise, and were compared negatively to others- we apologize for everything, Bingo! Don't roll your eyes, but I am going to own this one too! Mostly, I thought it was an interesting way to think about managerial skills.
I remember your brother-in-law well. It has been years since I have seen or heard anything about them. I met his wife a few times, but really don't know their kids. I liked you story - and think it's wonderful to have memories full of laughter.
My house is full of dogs for the holiday. Two of my friends need a place for their dogs to stay while they travel. The dynamics are interesting. My little Emmy has shown that she will stand up for herself. She is definitely getting bold. The day after Thanksgiving, my house will fill up with kids. S#3 and her son and her 3 grandchildren will come. Then a friend of my daughter's will come with one of her little boys. On Saturday, my grandchildren are coming for an overnight. And one of the dog-owner's will come and hang out for a while with her 4-year-old. I love the chaos and connection.
So, little sister - what are you thankful for? I saw the most glorious sunset glowing through the evergreens along the driveway. It sang to my soul! I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me.
Love and hugs and such,
Clare
Your son will treasure family holidays when he's older...at least, I'm pretty sure he will. Just remember how much you love him...that's easy...
I had a long conversation with someone who had just attended a two day workshop on emotional intelligence. The leader said that all of our professional problems stem from our childhood! Those of us who were raised without praise, and were compared negatively to others- we apologize for everything, Bingo! Don't roll your eyes, but I am going to own this one too! Mostly, I thought it was an interesting way to think about managerial skills.
I remember your brother-in-law well. It has been years since I have seen or heard anything about them. I met his wife a few times, but really don't know their kids. I liked you story - and think it's wonderful to have memories full of laughter.
My house is full of dogs for the holiday. Two of my friends need a place for their dogs to stay while they travel. The dynamics are interesting. My little Emmy has shown that she will stand up for herself. She is definitely getting bold. The day after Thanksgiving, my house will fill up with kids. S#3 and her son and her 3 grandchildren will come. Then a friend of my daughter's will come with one of her little boys. On Saturday, my grandchildren are coming for an overnight. And one of the dog-owner's will come and hang out for a while with her 4-year-old. I love the chaos and connection.
So, little sister - what are you thankful for? I saw the most glorious sunset glowing through the evergreens along the driveway. It sang to my soul! I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me.
Love and hugs and such,
Clare
Your son will treasure family holidays when he's older...at least, I'm pretty sure he will. Just remember how much you love him...that's easy...
Reminiscing
I started cooking my vegetarian dishes for Thanksgiving yesterday...I made ginger butternut squash soup...it is one of my favorites and it is so easy. Today we will make a wild rice with dried fruit pilaf...I can't decide if I want to serve that hot or cold, and mashed sweet potatoes with cheddar cheese and caramelized apples on top. On Thanksgiving I roast vegetables- this year we chose green beans...I love them roasted...you just put them on a cookie sheet with some salt and olive oil for 60 minutes at 375 - 400 degrees and they come out with sweet concentrated flavors...yum. Homemade bread and pumpkin bread (daughter#1 made that yesterday). And of course cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes (I don't eat those)...and then finally the desserts are all vegetarian.
I do most of my side dishes ahead of time so that I bake pies and bread in the morning and then the turkey goes in...it makes the day so much more relaxed.
I woke up this morning with a sentence in my head. It was a sentence that I could use to begin my research article...it was about pulling threads from 3 avenues of research, braiding them together to create our hypothesis...so I woke up and added it. If it comes in my sleep, it is usually better than something I toil with.
My boys arrive today. They drove into VA last night, through the icy mixture...and then stopped for the night. They should be here by early afternoon. My older son is pouting...he doesn't want to waste his time off with his family...he thinks this is punishment. He would prefer to stay home and just do what he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. I hope that he isn't a "debbie-downer" the whole time. I want him to be happy...but I want him to know he has a family that wants to be with him.
I do remember the paper-bag turkey baking method, and cranberry glop from the can sliced...probably into just enough pieces for all of us....and I remember pumpkin pie. But I don't think those memories are solid until well into my late elementary/middle school years. The pictures in my mind are all of the Forge Road house and beyond.
I think the only two items that I duplicate are Mom's rolls and pumpkin pie...which I am not even making this year because I am the only one who will eat it...I end up eating a whole pie by the end of the weekend.
Husband's brother and his family will arrive tomorrow by early afternoon...I am looking forward to their visit. We haven't spent much time with them since their parents died. We used to do things regularly with them...from the time that we were dating. Once, before kids, they came up to our parents' home and we all went camping...Mom and Dad came too. We had 2 small tents, one I borrowed from a friend. That tent, when set up smelled like Limburger cheese...there was something funky growing in it. Well we women grabbed the non-smelly tent and made the men sleep in the smelly one...Mom and Dad slept in the bed of their truck. About midnight my brother-in-law came over and pleaded with us to sleep in our tent...once we caved and let him in husband came over too. It was so cramped...but we laughed and laughed.
I hope that you have a peaceful day. Enjoy the snow and the kids and grandkids.
I love you,
Maggie
I do most of my side dishes ahead of time so that I bake pies and bread in the morning and then the turkey goes in...it makes the day so much more relaxed.
I woke up this morning with a sentence in my head. It was a sentence that I could use to begin my research article...it was about pulling threads from 3 avenues of research, braiding them together to create our hypothesis...so I woke up and added it. If it comes in my sleep, it is usually better than something I toil with.
My boys arrive today. They drove into VA last night, through the icy mixture...and then stopped for the night. They should be here by early afternoon. My older son is pouting...he doesn't want to waste his time off with his family...he thinks this is punishment. He would prefer to stay home and just do what he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. I hope that he isn't a "debbie-downer" the whole time. I want him to be happy...but I want him to know he has a family that wants to be with him.
I do remember the paper-bag turkey baking method, and cranberry glop from the can sliced...probably into just enough pieces for all of us....and I remember pumpkin pie. But I don't think those memories are solid until well into my late elementary/middle school years. The pictures in my mind are all of the Forge Road house and beyond.
I think the only two items that I duplicate are Mom's rolls and pumpkin pie...which I am not even making this year because I am the only one who will eat it...I end up eating a whole pie by the end of the weekend.
Husband's brother and his family will arrive tomorrow by early afternoon...I am looking forward to their visit. We haven't spent much time with them since their parents died. We used to do things regularly with them...from the time that we were dating. Once, before kids, they came up to our parents' home and we all went camping...Mom and Dad came too. We had 2 small tents, one I borrowed from a friend. That tent, when set up smelled like Limburger cheese...there was something funky growing in it. Well we women grabbed the non-smelly tent and made the men sleep in the smelly one...Mom and Dad slept in the bed of their truck. About midnight my brother-in-law came over and pleaded with us to sleep in our tent...once we caved and let him in husband came over too. It was so cramped...but we laughed and laughed.
I hope that you have a peaceful day. Enjoy the snow and the kids and grandkids.
I love you,
Maggie
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
yeah.......
Maybe I try everything on to see if it fits. Trying to be brave. But the quote about not helping people who don't want to be helped resounded with an exchange I had with someone just before I came to the blog. I don't think I was reacting to you, but more to the synchronicity. I was reacting to the other person...speaking to them.
I don't know, if someone says I am being a victim, I am willing to try it on for a moment to see if it's true. It's better than outright rejecting everyone who says anything I don't want to hear.
The handgrenade is chained to my spine. Last night there was a Pillsbury Doughboy type character and a furry pig or a pig/dog helping me...I have no idea. But I'll keep working on it.
It is snowing here...or at least it was. Now it's dark and we're inside for the night. We had the baby outside with flakes falling on her this afternoon. It was precious. I tried to get a photo, but she never stays still. It had potential to be a beautiful Christmas card...
Do you remember when Dad went through the period where he roasted the turkey in a brown paper bag? And we always had a cylinder of cranberry gel sliced into circles. And the sweet potatoes were covered in butter and brown sugar. Very 1960s! I don't remember ever having extended family or guests. I don't remember ever going anywhere else - just staying home and waiting while Dad cooked a turkey.
What will you make as your vegetarian main course for Thanksgiving?
One more day of work...so off to bed with me...
Love from Clare
I don't know, if someone says I am being a victim, I am willing to try it on for a moment to see if it's true. It's better than outright rejecting everyone who says anything I don't want to hear.
The handgrenade is chained to my spine. Last night there was a Pillsbury Doughboy type character and a furry pig or a pig/dog helping me...I have no idea. But I'll keep working on it.
It is snowing here...or at least it was. Now it's dark and we're inside for the night. We had the baby outside with flakes falling on her this afternoon. It was precious. I tried to get a photo, but she never stays still. It had potential to be a beautiful Christmas card...
Do you remember when Dad went through the period where he roasted the turkey in a brown paper bag? And we always had a cylinder of cranberry gel sliced into circles. And the sweet potatoes were covered in butter and brown sugar. Very 1960s! I don't remember ever having extended family or guests. I don't remember ever going anywhere else - just staying home and waiting while Dad cooked a turkey.
What will you make as your vegetarian main course for Thanksgiving?
One more day of work...so off to bed with me...
Love from Clare
Clarification
I need to clarify...I feel that what the quote, "Don't help people who don't want to be helped." means that it is disrespectful to people to help them...or force them to change...or label their choices as bad... if they do not see their behaviors or lifestyles as wrong. It isn't meant to be a poke or hurtful in any way...it comes from a place of respect for the individual. Many times helping professionals rush into a 'crisis' situation and solve the problems, without taking time to understand the big-picture situation. That's patronizing to the person/community. The quote was taken from a TED talk entitled, Want to Help? Shut up and listen!.
You are so quick to take responsibility for way too many things. I find that when I write something you take it on, wear it, even if it doesn't quite fit. I don't share these ideas to make you feel badly. I share them because they offer me insight and a slightly different perspective of our history or my life. I think that has a lot to do with being the oldest...and from a dysfunctional family...I found that blog-post last night that you shared about 5 behaviors frequently found in children from abusive families (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home_p2/). I just don't want you to feel badly about the ideas that I share...maybe motivated to change...but not badly.
It's raining at the beach. I am not complaining because it is snowing/icing at home. My girls and I decided to create a dinner challenge...5 ingredients or less. We went to the grocery...each bought 5 ingredients or less...only stipulation was that it had to be vegetarian...and then came home to cook. Daughter#1 made fajitas...daughter#2 made a sweet onion galette with Brie...and I made a vegetable pot-pie...dinner was great...and we laughed. What a great afternoon.
It's funny...the only thing that I can remember about Thanksgiving are the pictures...I can't remember what we used to eat...maybe the stuffing. I don't remember if we ever had it with extended family...or if it was just the 11 of us. It amazes me how spotty my memory is.
I hope that you have a wonderful time with your family. Is your Ex able to get there with the wintery weather? I hope that you all are safe.
Until tomorrow...
Loads of Light,
Maggie
You are so quick to take responsibility for way too many things. I find that when I write something you take it on, wear it, even if it doesn't quite fit. I don't share these ideas to make you feel badly. I share them because they offer me insight and a slightly different perspective of our history or my life. I think that has a lot to do with being the oldest...and from a dysfunctional family...I found that blog-post last night that you shared about 5 behaviors frequently found in children from abusive families (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home_p2/). I just don't want you to feel badly about the ideas that I share...maybe motivated to change...but not badly.
It's raining at the beach. I am not complaining because it is snowing/icing at home. My girls and I decided to create a dinner challenge...5 ingredients or less. We went to the grocery...each bought 5 ingredients or less...only stipulation was that it had to be vegetarian...and then came home to cook. Daughter#1 made fajitas...daughter#2 made a sweet onion galette with Brie...and I made a vegetable pot-pie...dinner was great...and we laughed. What a great afternoon.
It's funny...the only thing that I can remember about Thanksgiving are the pictures...I can't remember what we used to eat...maybe the stuffing. I don't remember if we ever had it with extended family...or if it was just the 11 of us. It amazes me how spotty my memory is.
I hope that you have a wonderful time with your family. Is your Ex able to get there with the wintery weather? I hope that you all are safe.
Until tomorrow...
Loads of Light,
Maggie
Monday, November 25, 2013
synchronicity again
Synchronicity...someone accused me of acting like a victim and of not accepting help, which does not quite make sense, but is not absolutely wrong. These jabs hurt, but I am trying to stand and try them on. Sometimes I agree, sometimes not.
But I read your "Don't help people who don't want to be helped." and I felt the poke. Let me just say that sometimes we don't want help not because we don't want to change, but like a defiant toddler - We wanna do it ourselves. It's like I'm trying to jump across the creek. Don't push, I'll do it. And if I fall in - big deal. I'll wade. It may not be elegant - but I get there!
I think I fear the strings that may be attached if I do accept help. And then there's that voice, that paternal voice I simply can't erase, and have not quite disempowered that tells me I am a pain in the ass, it's all my fault, and don't even dare ask - we're done with you.
I had never considered S#5 in the terms you described. I started wondering if that's a survival technique for the youngest of a large brood. She had the smallest voice, so she found others to speak with her.
The other pattern I recognize. It is the same pattern as my mother-in-law. Her life was absolute chaos because her father was an alcoholic. He was a mean, falling down drunk. Because her life in her original family was out of control she controlled every aspect of her adult life. It's classic. I see it in other family members. What was amazing was when my mother-in-law went to ACOA meetings, and one day she told me she knew she drove us all crazy with her perfectionism, but she was working on it. Vulnerable, honest moments like that were what led to a true fondness, and a deep love between us. In the beginning I never would have thought it possible...but love overcomes, if we allow it.
I remember Thanksgivings from way back when we were small. Dad was usually in a good mood, which made the day okay. I guess I mostly remember turkeys cooking, but I don't really remember the meals. I remember the aromas. Maybe that's what connects the holidays in my mind - sage and pumpkin pie spice!
After working the weekend, I am working an extra hour every day, trying to make up for the two days I will take off for Thanksgiving. The house is a wreck, and I have a lot of cooking to do. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I know I will get it all done, but I am afraid I will be exhausted. I don't want another holiday where I wish myself through it rather than experience and enjoy it. Especially Thanksgiving - I love Thanksgiving.
You know the first Thanksgiving I really remember is the one when I refused to come home. So I understand why you remember the ones from when you were in school.
We are preparing to be snowed and iced in until Thursday. How are things at the beach?
I love you,
Clare
But I read your "Don't help people who don't want to be helped." and I felt the poke. Let me just say that sometimes we don't want help not because we don't want to change, but like a defiant toddler - We wanna do it ourselves. It's like I'm trying to jump across the creek. Don't push, I'll do it. And if I fall in - big deal. I'll wade. It may not be elegant - but I get there!
I think I fear the strings that may be attached if I do accept help. And then there's that voice, that paternal voice I simply can't erase, and have not quite disempowered that tells me I am a pain in the ass, it's all my fault, and don't even dare ask - we're done with you.
I had never considered S#5 in the terms you described. I started wondering if that's a survival technique for the youngest of a large brood. She had the smallest voice, so she found others to speak with her.
The other pattern I recognize. It is the same pattern as my mother-in-law. Her life was absolute chaos because her father was an alcoholic. He was a mean, falling down drunk. Because her life in her original family was out of control she controlled every aspect of her adult life. It's classic. I see it in other family members. What was amazing was when my mother-in-law went to ACOA meetings, and one day she told me she knew she drove us all crazy with her perfectionism, but she was working on it. Vulnerable, honest moments like that were what led to a true fondness, and a deep love between us. In the beginning I never would have thought it possible...but love overcomes, if we allow it.
I remember Thanksgivings from way back when we were small. Dad was usually in a good mood, which made the day okay. I guess I mostly remember turkeys cooking, but I don't really remember the meals. I remember the aromas. Maybe that's what connects the holidays in my mind - sage and pumpkin pie spice!
After working the weekend, I am working an extra hour every day, trying to make up for the two days I will take off for Thanksgiving. The house is a wreck, and I have a lot of cooking to do. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I know I will get it all done, but I am afraid I will be exhausted. I don't want another holiday where I wish myself through it rather than experience and enjoy it. Especially Thanksgiving - I love Thanksgiving.
You know the first Thanksgiving I really remember is the one when I refused to come home. So I understand why you remember the ones from when you were in school.
We are preparing to be snowed and iced in until Thursday. How are things at the beach?
I love you,
Clare
Quotes
I spent my afternoon looking at quotes and videos that are meaningful to social work...for my SW blog. I love searching the internet for inspiring messages.
One economist who had done aid work in Africa gave great advice..."Don't help people who don't want to be helped". His thought was that unless people have a passion to change, they won't no matter how hard you push. So, I guess that my personal take-home message is to stop pushing for people to come to my reality...
and just work on myself...
where there is a passion to change.
Another favorite is by Maud Ballington Booth, "I will help you over the rough place, but I will not carry you." I think this speaks to the question we were bouncing around last week about healing through a loving relationship.
This is one more about peace...it speaks to Quaker beliefs..
One economist who had done aid work in Africa gave great advice..."Don't help people who don't want to be helped". His thought was that unless people have a passion to change, they won't no matter how hard you push. So, I guess that my personal take-home message is to stop pushing for people to come to my reality...
and just work on myself...
where there is a passion to change.
Another favorite is by Maud Ballington Booth, "I will help you over the rough place, but I will not carry you." I think this speaks to the question we were bouncing around last week about healing through a loving relationship.
This is one more about peace...it speaks to Quaker beliefs..
“True peace is not
merely the absence of war, it is the presence of justice.” - Jane Addams
So, it is supposed to rain for the next 2 days. We are starting to cook some of the Thanksgiving dishes to pass the time. It should be fun.
I hope that you have a great night.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, November 24, 2013
The power of "I statements"
I have been thinking about an earlier question that you asked about my harboring any negativity towards you...
I have been struggling to identify the emotions, memories, and the targets of those negative thoughts...
it is difficult for me to assign blame or negative feelings about anyone...
but as I think about it the female that I am most frustrated with is S#5...
because of the way that she has taken upon herself to maintain the status quo...
I wonder if that's the root of the frustration or if there is something else that fuels it...
maybe I am jealous that she has such 'perfect' childhood memories...
and can only recall great times.
I don't like that she feels able to speak for others...
she rarely stands alone when she makes a statement...
S#4 and I feel that...
Mom and Dad and I...
one of the principles that I learned over the past few years is the importance of "I statements"...
I feel that...
I don't like it when...
I am hurt when you...
They show ownership and personal conviction...
It is amazing how few people will claim their ideas and actions as their own...
it is safer to be the spokesperson of a group...
To share their ideas...
that way, if it doesn't work out the blame is spread across the whole group, not squarely on one's shoulders.
I am not sure if this is the root of that negativity...but I am a little agitated as I write this...
so maybe.
Thanksgiving...and other holidays...are wonderful times.
But I can remember being quite depressed through the holidays as a child.
They were so hyped by everyone...
and then so anticlimactic and disappointing...
The first time I remember really enjoying Thanksgiving and Christmas was my college years...
because I was in a relationship that allowed me to enjoy the time.
The description of the psychic energy work is very much like reiki that I've been doing...
it is about ridding yourself of negative energy and then turning that energy into positive energy and replacing or releasing it.
It's late and I am too tired to think deeply.
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
I have been struggling to identify the emotions, memories, and the targets of those negative thoughts...
it is difficult for me to assign blame or negative feelings about anyone...
but as I think about it the female that I am most frustrated with is S#5...
because of the way that she has taken upon herself to maintain the status quo...
I wonder if that's the root of the frustration or if there is something else that fuels it...
maybe I am jealous that she has such 'perfect' childhood memories...
and can only recall great times.
I don't like that she feels able to speak for others...
she rarely stands alone when she makes a statement...
S#4 and I feel that...
Mom and Dad and I...
one of the principles that I learned over the past few years is the importance of "I statements"...
I feel that...
I don't like it when...
I am hurt when you...
They show ownership and personal conviction...
It is amazing how few people will claim their ideas and actions as their own...
it is safer to be the spokesperson of a group...
To share their ideas...
that way, if it doesn't work out the blame is spread across the whole group, not squarely on one's shoulders.
I am not sure if this is the root of that negativity...but I am a little agitated as I write this...
so maybe.
Thanksgiving...and other holidays...are wonderful times.
But I can remember being quite depressed through the holidays as a child.
They were so hyped by everyone...
and then so anticlimactic and disappointing...
The first time I remember really enjoying Thanksgiving and Christmas was my college years...
because I was in a relationship that allowed me to enjoy the time.
The description of the psychic energy work is very much like reiki that I've been doing...
it is about ridding yourself of negative energy and then turning that energy into positive energy and replacing or releasing it.
It's late and I am too tired to think deeply.
Until tomorrow,
Maggie
imperfection
The miscelebrations, the days that are not perfect, are the special ones we remember. The perfect Thanksgivings with the perfect dinners and perfect guests blend into a series of flashes/photos of the same old day - I can't remember much. But the year we were not perfect - those memories we treasure. The year B#4 deep fried a turkey...it was disgusting, but the kids loved it...the year Mom called before Thanksgiving to apologize for the styrofoam plates she was going to use - knowing I would have my tree-hugger fit when I saw non-recyclable throw away supplies...I think I have always been a pain-in-the-ass! The year the dog had puppies in the car and we had grilled cheese sandwiches and canned tomato soup for Thanksgiving after making a long drive home. We made a turkey dinner the next day - when all the ingredients were on sale!!
I was poking at the hand grenade I set inside me, when, psychically, a friend came and tried to remove it, with hands fishing around in my guts - like the Filipino spiritual surgeons. I am not sure if it is gone or not. I'll check later, hopefully tonight if I don't fall to sleep immediately tonight. The friend does not know of this psychic involvement, and it is so weird, I will never bring it up!
S#3 is bringing her grandkids here next weekend so they can mix with mine and all make Christmas ornaments and cookies and gifts. Strange holidays - the next generation. I hope this becomes a tradition.
I have been thinking about the ways we get pulled into tradition. They seem set. I have a special way of making sweet potatoes, and my kids insist we make them the way we always have. I just found a new recipe, and was nixed by consensus. I was excited by a recipe for twice baked sweet potatoes. I guess I will have to try the recipe on a non-holiday day. Yet, last year I found a recipe for a gluten-free pumpkin cheesecake. Everyone wants it again. It has already become traditional.
The traditions, the sameness linking through our lives, it's sweet and good. But sometimes it's like a too-heavy chain. Sometimes we have to throw the expected out, and do something new. I think this is the perfect time for you to create a new tradition. I am glad you are doing it. I hope you have a chance to think about what you would like Thanksgiving to be like...what are you celebrating?...how would you like to celebrate it? Then go for it...
I hope you have a lovely week.
I love you,
Clare
I was poking at the hand grenade I set inside me, when, psychically, a friend came and tried to remove it, with hands fishing around in my guts - like the Filipino spiritual surgeons. I am not sure if it is gone or not. I'll check later, hopefully tonight if I don't fall to sleep immediately tonight. The friend does not know of this psychic involvement, and it is so weird, I will never bring it up!
S#3 is bringing her grandkids here next weekend so they can mix with mine and all make Christmas ornaments and cookies and gifts. Strange holidays - the next generation. I hope this becomes a tradition.
I have been thinking about the ways we get pulled into tradition. They seem set. I have a special way of making sweet potatoes, and my kids insist we make them the way we always have. I just found a new recipe, and was nixed by consensus. I was excited by a recipe for twice baked sweet potatoes. I guess I will have to try the recipe on a non-holiday day. Yet, last year I found a recipe for a gluten-free pumpkin cheesecake. Everyone wants it again. It has already become traditional.
The traditions, the sameness linking through our lives, it's sweet and good. But sometimes it's like a too-heavy chain. Sometimes we have to throw the expected out, and do something new. I think this is the perfect time for you to create a new tradition. I am glad you are doing it. I hope you have a chance to think about what you would like Thanksgiving to be like...what are you celebrating?...how would you like to celebrate it? Then go for it...
I hope you have a lovely week.
I love you,
Clare
Saturday, November 23, 2013
On the road...again
I have been traveling...
The memory from 1977 made me quite anxious...I am not sure why, but it seemed all too familiar. See if anything else comes from that memory...good or bad...just see how it develops.
Thanksgiving has been, traditionally, for me a major 'show'...much like your mother-in-law's efforts, I had big expectations from myself of the way that dinner would turn out...I never demanded perfection from my kids, but I did from myself.
I remember one year, before I had kids, S#3 and her family came for Thanksgiving. We lived near the city and took a train into the city to see the parade...got there to see Santa going by...we missed the whole thing. we ran 5 or 6 blocks and saw a portion of the parade and then got back on the train. S#3's kids loved it. We stopped at a pond and they fed ducks and rolled down the hill many times...until we realized they were rolling in goose poop...it was gross. When we got back home her daughter fell asleep under the dining room table so we ate dinner all around her.
This year we are doing Thanksgiving away from home...back in NC at the beach that we like so much. Husband's brother and family are coming and we are going to keep it casual. My daughters and I arrived on the island this evening...it is so peaceful and quiet here...almost eerie. We left last evening, and stayed in Annapolis, MD. Daughter #1 and a friend ran a half marathon, while daughter #2 and I ran/walked a 10K race. We all finished and had a good time. we had a 7.5 hour drive to the island...which was punctuated with several painful and stiff stops. It's amazing how much your body complains when asked to do more than usual.
So this year is an opportunity to establish new traditions...to let go of painful memories, stress, and expectations and just enjoy life and family.
I am tired, and heading to bed.
I will check in tomorrow, after a good nights sleep.
Love and Light,
Maggie
The memory from 1977 made me quite anxious...I am not sure why, but it seemed all too familiar. See if anything else comes from that memory...good or bad...just see how it develops.
Thanksgiving has been, traditionally, for me a major 'show'...much like your mother-in-law's efforts, I had big expectations from myself of the way that dinner would turn out...I never demanded perfection from my kids, but I did from myself.
I remember one year, before I had kids, S#3 and her family came for Thanksgiving. We lived near the city and took a train into the city to see the parade...got there to see Santa going by...we missed the whole thing. we ran 5 or 6 blocks and saw a portion of the parade and then got back on the train. S#3's kids loved it. We stopped at a pond and they fed ducks and rolled down the hill many times...until we realized they were rolling in goose poop...it was gross. When we got back home her daughter fell asleep under the dining room table so we ate dinner all around her.
This year we are doing Thanksgiving away from home...back in NC at the beach that we like so much. Husband's brother and family are coming and we are going to keep it casual. My daughters and I arrived on the island this evening...it is so peaceful and quiet here...almost eerie. We left last evening, and stayed in Annapolis, MD. Daughter #1 and a friend ran a half marathon, while daughter #2 and I ran/walked a 10K race. We all finished and had a good time. we had a 7.5 hour drive to the island...which was punctuated with several painful and stiff stops. It's amazing how much your body complains when asked to do more than usual.
So this year is an opportunity to establish new traditions...to let go of painful memories, stress, and expectations and just enjoy life and family.
I am tired, and heading to bed.
I will check in tomorrow, after a good nights sleep.
Love and Light,
Maggie
whinywhinywhiny
It is cold and grey and windy and even snowing a bit. I am tired. Thanksgiving is coming, and usually it is my favorite holiday of the year. But this year, I may have to fight my inner demons to find that warm and grateful place.
I can't seem to catch up, and I am complaining and maybe I should just shut up...
When I was young, I don't remember if I had a favorite holiday. I can't remember when Thanksgiving crept into first place. Maybe after the mantle passed to me, and I became the matriarch. When we did it my mother-in-law's way, the table was perfect and she slaved for days making every dish perfect. And she always did a fantastic job. Our job was to show up at the appointed time, dressed in our best, with shiny, quiet children and be on our best behavior. She loved a formal celebration. It was nice, but I always felt on edge.
Now we wear jeans and all come to my house. We all bring ingredients and spend the day cooking together, and singing or playing cards while we wait for everything to cook. It is so relaxing and we are just together. And for that, I am truly grateful.
But Thanksgiving begins the rush into Christmas, which has become the holiday I just want to survive and get through.
I wonder if I can work on my attitude this year,,,
Enough of my whining...Not sure where you are, but I hope all is well and that you are enjoying the weekend.
Love and hugs from Clare
I can't seem to catch up, and I am complaining and maybe I should just shut up...
When I was young, I don't remember if I had a favorite holiday. I can't remember when Thanksgiving crept into first place. Maybe after the mantle passed to me, and I became the matriarch. When we did it my mother-in-law's way, the table was perfect and she slaved for days making every dish perfect. And she always did a fantastic job. Our job was to show up at the appointed time, dressed in our best, with shiny, quiet children and be on our best behavior. She loved a formal celebration. It was nice, but I always felt on edge.
Now we wear jeans and all come to my house. We all bring ingredients and spend the day cooking together, and singing or playing cards while we wait for everything to cook. It is so relaxing and we are just together. And for that, I am truly grateful.
But Thanksgiving begins the rush into Christmas, which has become the holiday I just want to survive and get through.
I wonder if I can work on my attitude this year,,,
Enough of my whining...Not sure where you are, but I hope all is well and that you are enjoying the weekend.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Booby trap
Relaxing and accepting the inevitable - sounds like some men's advice for a woman about to be raped. Problem is that it is not inevitable. We make it so by believing it is so. And no student ever talks about the teacher who let them slide as being the person who really taught them something. Someone in their life has to at least present the idea of integrity.
How did they do the second time?
The woman who looked you in the eyes? She's an angel, a teacher...
We all know this is my place to expose weird. And I had another weird last night. I have not been sleeping well. Last night when I was awake and quiet in the dark, I was being frustrated with myself. I have not had any wheat, I have been absolutely gluten free, for two and a half weeks. And my weight has not budged a bit. I know I have to buck up and ban sugar, too, but I thought the wheat would make a difference. So in the middle of the night I asked my body why...Why am I not losing any weight? And I got the answer...
1977
1977? I was thinking about 1977. I was at the university. I had recently broken up with my college sweetheart. I was working in the physical sciences library, closing it at about 10 pm, and then walking home - a couple miles, mostly residential. So what happened in 1977? I suddenly remembered walking home one night. It was really quiet. I suddenly had the chills - like I was being stalked. I remember very clearly thinking - "I can't go through it again. If someone is going to rape me, they are going to have to kill me." That is stored in me. I found - I don't know - a booby trap, a hand grenade set to go off. The fat insulates that and keeps me invisible...
So...weird, huh?
I am exhausted...and I love you...
Clare
How did they do the second time?
The woman who looked you in the eyes? She's an angel, a teacher...
We all know this is my place to expose weird. And I had another weird last night. I have not been sleeping well. Last night when I was awake and quiet in the dark, I was being frustrated with myself. I have not had any wheat, I have been absolutely gluten free, for two and a half weeks. And my weight has not budged a bit. I know I have to buck up and ban sugar, too, but I thought the wheat would make a difference. So in the middle of the night I asked my body why...Why am I not losing any weight? And I got the answer...
1977
1977? I was thinking about 1977. I was at the university. I had recently broken up with my college sweetheart. I was working in the physical sciences library, closing it at about 10 pm, and then walking home - a couple miles, mostly residential. So what happened in 1977? I suddenly remembered walking home one night. It was really quiet. I suddenly had the chills - like I was being stalked. I remember very clearly thinking - "I can't go through it again. If someone is going to rape me, they are going to have to kill me." That is stored in me. I found - I don't know - a booby trap, a hand grenade set to go off. The fat insulates that and keeps me invisible...
So...weird, huh?
I am exhausted...and I love you...
Clare
Connection
I just returned from the university library...
I confronted 7 students about cheating on their exam. It was an online exam, open book, but to be done individually. Well 5 of the seven opened and closed the exam within a minute of the others, from the same wireless hub, and had the same questions wrong with the same wrong choices. The other 2 opened the test within 5 minutes of their finishing and answered 28 multiple choice questions in less than 15 minutes...with the same wrong answers. But they didn't see anything wrong with sharing/comparing answers...or giving answers to the final 2.
I gave them two options: take a zero or retake the exam right then and there. So they all sat and took it. It will be interesting to grade them.
I wonder why I am so passionate about integrity and honesty...
I've been told to relax, accept the inevitable...
but I cannot let things slide...
it makes me sick inside to consider looking the other way in the face of dishonesty.
I told them how disappointed I was.
I don't think I will offer online exams ever again.
It's more convenient for all, but it is too tempting to cheat.
I find that what you say about knowing is true...once you understand what is happening it is impossible to not think about it at certain times. I read about trafficking humans last year and have wondered if my purchases are from slaves' suffering. I feel like Woolman...considering everything that I buy...wondering if it is attached to suffering and abuse.
Sometimes I wish I had a simpler brain...one that did not consider so many things at once.
I stopped by the shelter this morning...we are cooking a feast for the residents tonight...I had to put the turkey into the oven. As I was finishing up and older woman came into the room and we started to talk. She asked what I was doing...and thanked me for the gesture and kindness. She had tears in her eyes...and assured me that she wasn't sad. What was really amazing was that she locked eyes with me, and I felt her gratitude. You know how most people won't look you in the eye? Well she made contact...and then she told me that I have a nice smile. I invited her to join the dinner, she said that she doesn't like crowds...but would consider it. I hope that I see her again this afternoon.
I could feel her gratitude...it was visceral...an incredible feeling.
I am tearing up just thinking about it.
I guess that's what connection feels like.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I confronted 7 students about cheating on their exam. It was an online exam, open book, but to be done individually. Well 5 of the seven opened and closed the exam within a minute of the others, from the same wireless hub, and had the same questions wrong with the same wrong choices. The other 2 opened the test within 5 minutes of their finishing and answered 28 multiple choice questions in less than 15 minutes...with the same wrong answers. But they didn't see anything wrong with sharing/comparing answers...or giving answers to the final 2.
I gave them two options: take a zero or retake the exam right then and there. So they all sat and took it. It will be interesting to grade them.
I wonder why I am so passionate about integrity and honesty...
I've been told to relax, accept the inevitable...
but I cannot let things slide...
it makes me sick inside to consider looking the other way in the face of dishonesty.
I told them how disappointed I was.
I don't think I will offer online exams ever again.
It's more convenient for all, but it is too tempting to cheat.
I find that what you say about knowing is true...once you understand what is happening it is impossible to not think about it at certain times. I read about trafficking humans last year and have wondered if my purchases are from slaves' suffering. I feel like Woolman...considering everything that I buy...wondering if it is attached to suffering and abuse.
Sometimes I wish I had a simpler brain...one that did not consider so many things at once.
I stopped by the shelter this morning...we are cooking a feast for the residents tonight...I had to put the turkey into the oven. As I was finishing up and older woman came into the room and we started to talk. She asked what I was doing...and thanked me for the gesture and kindness. She had tears in her eyes...and assured me that she wasn't sad. What was really amazing was that she locked eyes with me, and I felt her gratitude. You know how most people won't look you in the eye? Well she made contact...and then she told me that I have a nice smile. I invited her to join the dinner, she said that she doesn't like crowds...but would consider it. I hope that I see her again this afternoon.
I could feel her gratitude...it was visceral...an incredible feeling.
I am tearing up just thinking about it.
I guess that's what connection feels like.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Wise answer!!!
I think both, simultaneously is a wonderful, wise answer. I guess I am thinking of the hermits or monks who retire from the world to pray for us all, versus the monks who are in the world helping people. Which one is more productive for self and for others?
Healing in community may be the best - which I suppose is support groups. But the idea of one-to-one, it appeals to me right now.
I know that people have come into my life to teach me something important, and often, later, there is someone else who shows up - just to test me. Sometimes they stay, sometimes they move onto other teachers, other situations.
How do I feel about my mystical moment with my son? It still feels light - like a bright moment. I have not talked to him yet. I am not sure how to, or what to do with this that will help both him and his wife. I love them both so much, and I want them to make it as a happy family. And I know it can happen...
Your oldest son is at a hard place. It is painful to be his age. I felt lost until I was about 17. I was fairly suicidal until I was 17. Then one day I realized that everyone was so caught in their own pain, they really didn't care who I was or what I was doing. That was so freeing. It changed me. It was so much easier to be a nonconformist, and to do whatever I felt like doing, to interpret the world any way that made sense to me. I was free to reject everything! I am glad that your son can talk to you. And understanding changes everything. You don't accept the behaviors, but they make sense. He doesn't seem like he's foreign any more.
Do you feel negative emotion toward me? You have my nail prints scarred into your skin where I grabbed you. I caused pain, I was out of control. Is there a little girl inside somewhere who is still hurt by me? I can apologize to her...
I have had mixed feelings about Mom. I thought she was a saint for many years, until I realized I was furious at her for not protecting us. Then that was balanced when I "felt" the young mother totally overwhelmed by a new baby every year. I felt so much sympathy. But she chose to be manipulated by the Catholic Church rather than be wise and healthy and care about what was happening to us. But, then when I have had those moments of frankness, when we could talk - she honestly owns up to making mistakes, and I cycle back around to a level of forgiveness and another layer of understanding. It is a complex relationship, complicated by the fact that I got promoted and demoted in the family - quasi-parent to child and back. I do wonder what would happen if the sexual abuse came to light - Dad on kids, brothers on sisters. Could she handle it? Would she still be strong, or would she fall apart?
I wonder what your healer threw away...
When I wrote for the newspaper, I did a huge article on the underground railroad that took kids from this region and placed them in prostitution in various parts of the country. I learned how the kids were lured, how the procurers identified likely targets. I was sick by the time I finished writing it. I don't know if it ever made a difference. But I knew what was happening, and couldn't "unknow".
I think the whole of violence is too big for one person. Somehow we have to think cooperatively and bring people with different parts of the problem together so they can see the whole picture together. Then maybe they will be led, they will know what to do. But first you have to break down the barriers. I imagine that those who work in the field are exhausted and overwhelmed and battered emotionally, psychically, psychologically...it has to be one of the worst, yet one of the highest, most noble callings possible.
Keep talking. Someone will hear you. Someone will know what to do...have faith.
I love you,
Clare
Healing in community may be the best - which I suppose is support groups. But the idea of one-to-one, it appeals to me right now.
I know that people have come into my life to teach me something important, and often, later, there is someone else who shows up - just to test me. Sometimes they stay, sometimes they move onto other teachers, other situations.
How do I feel about my mystical moment with my son? It still feels light - like a bright moment. I have not talked to him yet. I am not sure how to, or what to do with this that will help both him and his wife. I love them both so much, and I want them to make it as a happy family. And I know it can happen...
Your oldest son is at a hard place. It is painful to be his age. I felt lost until I was about 17. I was fairly suicidal until I was 17. Then one day I realized that everyone was so caught in their own pain, they really didn't care who I was or what I was doing. That was so freeing. It changed me. It was so much easier to be a nonconformist, and to do whatever I felt like doing, to interpret the world any way that made sense to me. I was free to reject everything! I am glad that your son can talk to you. And understanding changes everything. You don't accept the behaviors, but they make sense. He doesn't seem like he's foreign any more.
Do you feel negative emotion toward me? You have my nail prints scarred into your skin where I grabbed you. I caused pain, I was out of control. Is there a little girl inside somewhere who is still hurt by me? I can apologize to her...
I have had mixed feelings about Mom. I thought she was a saint for many years, until I realized I was furious at her for not protecting us. Then that was balanced when I "felt" the young mother totally overwhelmed by a new baby every year. I felt so much sympathy. But she chose to be manipulated by the Catholic Church rather than be wise and healthy and care about what was happening to us. But, then when I have had those moments of frankness, when we could talk - she honestly owns up to making mistakes, and I cycle back around to a level of forgiveness and another layer of understanding. It is a complex relationship, complicated by the fact that I got promoted and demoted in the family - quasi-parent to child and back. I do wonder what would happen if the sexual abuse came to light - Dad on kids, brothers on sisters. Could she handle it? Would she still be strong, or would she fall apart?
I wonder what your healer threw away...
When I wrote for the newspaper, I did a huge article on the underground railroad that took kids from this region and placed them in prostitution in various parts of the country. I learned how the kids were lured, how the procurers identified likely targets. I was sick by the time I finished writing it. I don't know if it ever made a difference. But I knew what was happening, and couldn't "unknow".
I think the whole of violence is too big for one person. Somehow we have to think cooperatively and bring people with different parts of the problem together so they can see the whole picture together. Then maybe they will be led, they will know what to do. But first you have to break down the barriers. I imagine that those who work in the field are exhausted and overwhelmed and battered emotionally, psychically, psychologically...it has to be one of the worst, yet one of the highest, most noble callings possible.
Keep talking. Someone will hear you. Someone will know what to do...have faith.
I love you,
Clare
A day of trauma
Clare,
So today I immersed myself in trauma...
one of my passions...
at least it's one obsession that motivates me to become active.
This afternoon I met with 3 of the domestic violence staff to discuss preventive programs. As each one spoke I got the distinct impression that they were telling me that they have "been there, done that" and there is not enough staff or funding to do it effectively. I suggested that we train school nurses or guidance counselors to deliver the preventive programs so that staff could concentrate on professional education for doctors, nurses, and other service providers. They answered that if they can't guarantee the quality of the message they don't want to do it. While I understand what they are saying, it translates into no prevention or education. They had so many negative answers...I finally told them that at some point they will have to take a leap of faith and trust others with the message. They also want to keep DV services pure, not include bullying or stranger sexual assault or child abuse...I pointed out that maintaining separation is cutting down on the talent and resources available to tackle the big problem of interpersonal violence.
This evening I met with one of my former professors to interview her about an anti-human trafficking advocacy group that she is involved with. It is amazing how parallel the issues of DV and trafficking are...it's about control and power over someone. Now HT involves profit, but still they can be understood better when considered together. I am saddened by the number of people living bound by slavery...in our world, country, state and community. Around here it is sex work and 'mail-order brides' who come over for a great life and end up abused and exploited. There are probably many working in agricultural businesses around here. But I think the saddest fact is that over 50% are children and many of those are runaways. I saw a statistic that said that within 48 hours of a kid running away from home about half are approached by a pimp/trafficker. We have a lost population of adolescents who silently and invisibly work under threat, coercion or abuse. That is heartbreaking.
Anyway, I am writing an article for the January newsletter about human trafficking. And I have collected about 20 pages of notes and have to say it all in 500 words...I am much better at term papers! I hope to get people motivated to lobby for legislation that is proposed right now to toughen the HT laws in PA and also to talk about how the Superbowl is a magnet for traffickers, particularly the sex trade. The game is in NJ this year...maybe some of our PA social workers will cross the bridge and join their efforts.
So how was your day? I hope that it was peaceful and productive.
Love and Light,
Maggie
So today I immersed myself in trauma...
one of my passions...
at least it's one obsession that motivates me to become active.
This afternoon I met with 3 of the domestic violence staff to discuss preventive programs. As each one spoke I got the distinct impression that they were telling me that they have "been there, done that" and there is not enough staff or funding to do it effectively. I suggested that we train school nurses or guidance counselors to deliver the preventive programs so that staff could concentrate on professional education for doctors, nurses, and other service providers. They answered that if they can't guarantee the quality of the message they don't want to do it. While I understand what they are saying, it translates into no prevention or education. They had so many negative answers...I finally told them that at some point they will have to take a leap of faith and trust others with the message. They also want to keep DV services pure, not include bullying or stranger sexual assault or child abuse...I pointed out that maintaining separation is cutting down on the talent and resources available to tackle the big problem of interpersonal violence.
This evening I met with one of my former professors to interview her about an anti-human trafficking advocacy group that she is involved with. It is amazing how parallel the issues of DV and trafficking are...it's about control and power over someone. Now HT involves profit, but still they can be understood better when considered together. I am saddened by the number of people living bound by slavery...in our world, country, state and community. Around here it is sex work and 'mail-order brides' who come over for a great life and end up abused and exploited. There are probably many working in agricultural businesses around here. But I think the saddest fact is that over 50% are children and many of those are runaways. I saw a statistic that said that within 48 hours of a kid running away from home about half are approached by a pimp/trafficker. We have a lost population of adolescents who silently and invisibly work under threat, coercion or abuse. That is heartbreaking.
Anyway, I am writing an article for the January newsletter about human trafficking. And I have collected about 20 pages of notes and have to say it all in 500 words...I am much better at term papers! I hope to get people motivated to lobby for legislation that is proposed right now to toughen the HT laws in PA and also to talk about how the Superbowl is a magnet for traffickers, particularly the sex trade. The game is in NJ this year...maybe some of our PA social workers will cross the bridge and join their efforts.
So how was your day? I hope that it was peaceful and productive.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
it's both, simultaneously
I thought about this today and here is where I am at with this question...
You need to heal yourself...do the work, excavating the swampy murky stuff and making peace with it or reconfiguring your perception of it...it's the alchemy of life...turning your lead- dead weight from your history- into gold. The lessons learned and wisdom gained are the reward at the end of all of the difficult work. That being said...we are meant to be communal..."where two or more are gathered, there I am"...so the work is best done in a relationship that involves love and trust. That's where we find the courage to be vulnerable.
So, the answer is...both, simultaneously.
I also think that we are destined to have a series of these relationships which pair us up with another, who is at a similar stage in healing/development...that way each pushes/pulls the other towards the goal. Sometimes we are blessed to have a lifetime friend/partner who heals/grows at a similar pace...but many times the partner/teacher changes.
I still am amazed by the sudden empathic sensation that you had the other day. I think you must be incredibly strong to have opened yourself to that experience (consciously or unconsciously). In retrospect, how do you feel about it?
I had a long, heart-to-heart with my older son today. He is struggling...feels like a failure...is being compared with his sisters, being called gay because he dresses well, not knowing what he wants to do with his life...scared because the end of high school is getting closer and then he really has to make some choice. It was good to have him open up...it helps me to understand some of his poor choices.
Not excuse them, but at least understand them.
I had a session with the energy healer today...she told me that I need to let go of the negative emotion that I hold towards the females of our family. It's funny, I always believed that I held negativity towards the males, but she has repeatedly told me that I have more blocks when it comes to the females. I started to think about Mom, knowing that something wasn't right, perhaps even that abuse was happening. I know intellectually that she had to know or suspect, but I cannot find rage, anger, frustration for her...my head won't let that sink into my heart...yet. She told me that she found more "locked doors" in my heart chakra, and couldn't open them...so she threw all of them out...all at once.
I love the imagery of this work.
I hope that you have a great night/day,
Maggie
You need to heal yourself...do the work, excavating the swampy murky stuff and making peace with it or reconfiguring your perception of it...it's the alchemy of life...turning your lead- dead weight from your history- into gold. The lessons learned and wisdom gained are the reward at the end of all of the difficult work. That being said...we are meant to be communal..."where two or more are gathered, there I am"...so the work is best done in a relationship that involves love and trust. That's where we find the courage to be vulnerable.
So, the answer is...both, simultaneously.
I also think that we are destined to have a series of these relationships which pair us up with another, who is at a similar stage in healing/development...that way each pushes/pulls the other towards the goal. Sometimes we are blessed to have a lifetime friend/partner who heals/grows at a similar pace...but many times the partner/teacher changes.
I still am amazed by the sudden empathic sensation that you had the other day. I think you must be incredibly strong to have opened yourself to that experience (consciously or unconsciously). In retrospect, how do you feel about it?
I had a long, heart-to-heart with my older son today. He is struggling...feels like a failure...is being compared with his sisters, being called gay because he dresses well, not knowing what he wants to do with his life...scared because the end of high school is getting closer and then he really has to make some choice. It was good to have him open up...it helps me to understand some of his poor choices.
Not excuse them, but at least understand them.
I had a session with the energy healer today...she told me that I need to let go of the negative emotion that I hold towards the females of our family. It's funny, I always believed that I held negativity towards the males, but she has repeatedly told me that I have more blocks when it comes to the females. I started to think about Mom, knowing that something wasn't right, perhaps even that abuse was happening. I know intellectually that she had to know or suspect, but I cannot find rage, anger, frustration for her...my head won't let that sink into my heart...yet. She told me that she found more "locked doors" in my heart chakra, and couldn't open them...so she threw all of them out...all at once.
I love the imagery of this work.
I hope that you have a great night/day,
Maggie
It's an adventure
Our sister-in-law posted a quote on everyone's favorite social media today. I tried to find the source, but did not have any luck. Nonetheless, I would like to share it with you...
Let's go on an adventure. We might have to run a lot, fight monsters and solve mysteries, but we'll be together and it'll be much more interesting than staying home.
Let's go on an adventure. We might have to run a lot, fight monsters and solve mysteries, but we'll be together and it'll be much more interesting than staying home.
Monday, November 18, 2013
a short chorus...
The wish to heal someone else is the ultimate in codependence. We hide from our own problems by focusing on those of the wished-for-beloved's. I know that won't work. I learned experientially, and the lesson was branded into me.
I have done a lot of my work alone. I read a lot of books, talked to a lot of people, went to Al-Anon, went to RC. But I was working on myself. And I have learned a lot. I recognize many of the overt patterns, and see the effects our childhood pain has on our adult behaviors and successes...
What I suddenly wondered is if two damaged people, who are aware, could heal each other while healing themselves. I guess I am wondering if this work could be done in an intimate relationship, instead of alone - instead of working on myself. If both people are aware and willing to take the time to state their feelings, their discomforts, could they support each other and find safety and ..and... maybe take turns parenting - to fill in those gaps left by the clumsy or even evil parenting we initially received.
It was all just a flood into my brain while thinking of my son and his wife....
I'll wait to hear your response.
Love, Clare
profound...
Wow,
that is a lot to digest.
I am glad that you are able to open up and talk to others about your experiences. Many of us have similar experiences and it is good to feel less isolated, more normal, less to blame...It takes great courage though to broach this subject...congratulations.
I am going to have to think about all of that...and try to feel what you are feeling.
Is it possible to heal someone else? I don't think so.
I think we have to heal ourself...and then share that growth with another. No matter how much we want another to become healthier or more integrated they have to do the work themselves...we can support them. Maybe that's how love can help...to create and provide the loving environment that allows the painful process to unfold. I have long argued with husband that I cannot make him happy...I can share his happiness, but am definitely not responsible for its presence or absence.
I think the same holds true for healing.
Would you consider sharing your insights with your son...to see how he interprets them? I am just curious if that would be healthy or confusing.
I will answer this more fully tomorrow, when I have had time to think.
Love and Light,
Maggie
that is a lot to digest.
I am glad that you are able to open up and talk to others about your experiences. Many of us have similar experiences and it is good to feel less isolated, more normal, less to blame...It takes great courage though to broach this subject...congratulations.
I am going to have to think about all of that...and try to feel what you are feeling.
Is it possible to heal someone else? I don't think so.
I think we have to heal ourself...and then share that growth with another. No matter how much we want another to become healthier or more integrated they have to do the work themselves...we can support them. Maybe that's how love can help...to create and provide the loving environment that allows the painful process to unfold. I have long argued with husband that I cannot make him happy...I can share his happiness, but am definitely not responsible for its presence or absence.
I think the same holds true for healing.
Would you consider sharing your insights with your son...to see how he interprets them? I am just curious if that would be healthy or confusing.
I will answer this more fully tomorrow, when I have had time to think.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, November 17, 2013
When will I be loooooooved? Sing it with me!
No strings attached. That is the secret. We give because we are part of the flow. If others do not receive, or do their part, so what. I am glad to hear that you offer your music. It makes it even more important. I have sung at a few weddings, and I have never been paid...it's a gift...I hope.
I am sorry for your daughter. It is so disappointing to feel invisible. Most likely her colleagues in community theater meant no disrespect, they just got caught up in their own lives. Which we all do, and which we all use as an excuse. We need to remember how to put ourselves in other's shoes.
I'm glad my mini-Quakerism 101 helped! I remember doing a series of evening discussion with Friends, discussing SPICE - the virtues. (simplicity, peace, integrity, community, equality) There was so much overlap. We tried to choose and define our favorite virtue (Mine has always been simplicity) and it was both easy and very difficult.
I have been having some very intense, open-hearted discussions - with two people in particular. There has been a lot of exploration of childhood violations and the ways they affect adult behaviors especially in regards to romantic relationships or life partners.
It has been interesting to think about how we repeat patterns and carry the pain with us, and how we are afraid to step forward into love. It almost strikes me as stepping into fire.
So, with all this on my mind, last night I had an episode. For just a few moments, I became one with my oldest son, and through his eyes I saw me - angry - when he was small. And I saw his wife - angry. And I was overcome with a sense of despair, of never, ever being loved. And then I was lost in thought. I know we have been through this before, but feeling it made it different. We are born to damaged people, who try as they may, can not make us feel securely loved. And so we are ripped into two - the part that feels unworthy of love and the other part desperately seeking love, begging for love. We want someone to love us. But all we find are people who want us to love them - to heal them with our love. We are like a bunch of psychic vacuum cleaners, and all we have around us is vacuum.
I wondered if we could love someone enough to heal them, then have them love us. Which I realized is the ultimate codependent wish. But what if we did it intentionally? What if we made a deal to love each other back to health? Can two - or more - damaged individuals have enough awareness to do that for each other?
So, I'm twisting in my emotional wind, wondering which way I'll be pointed in the end.
And I had a memory-moment which opened my eyes. I always think about/talk about being worthless. As I was talking to a close friend about all this, I suddenly remembered Pop telling someone that I was worthless - I was never any help to Mom. He said it when I was standing nearby...I think he was talking to an aunt or uncle or some such- who did not stand up for me.
One last point...I have been wallowing in, or experiencing fear of being loved, the feelings I "shared" with my son. And I realized that late at night there is a still, small voice reminding me of who loved me, and of who wanted to love me. This gentleness is breaking through, at least a little.
I love you. I hope you sleep well and dream something profound!
Clare
I am sorry for your daughter. It is so disappointing to feel invisible. Most likely her colleagues in community theater meant no disrespect, they just got caught up in their own lives. Which we all do, and which we all use as an excuse. We need to remember how to put ourselves in other's shoes.
I'm glad my mini-Quakerism 101 helped! I remember doing a series of evening discussion with Friends, discussing SPICE - the virtues. (simplicity, peace, integrity, community, equality) There was so much overlap. We tried to choose and define our favorite virtue (Mine has always been simplicity) and it was both easy and very difficult.
I have been having some very intense, open-hearted discussions - with two people in particular. There has been a lot of exploration of childhood violations and the ways they affect adult behaviors especially in regards to romantic relationships or life partners.
It has been interesting to think about how we repeat patterns and carry the pain with us, and how we are afraid to step forward into love. It almost strikes me as stepping into fire.
So, with all this on my mind, last night I had an episode. For just a few moments, I became one with my oldest son, and through his eyes I saw me - angry - when he was small. And I saw his wife - angry. And I was overcome with a sense of despair, of never, ever being loved. And then I was lost in thought. I know we have been through this before, but feeling it made it different. We are born to damaged people, who try as they may, can not make us feel securely loved. And so we are ripped into two - the part that feels unworthy of love and the other part desperately seeking love, begging for love. We want someone to love us. But all we find are people who want us to love them - to heal them with our love. We are like a bunch of psychic vacuum cleaners, and all we have around us is vacuum.
I wondered if we could love someone enough to heal them, then have them love us. Which I realized is the ultimate codependent wish. But what if we did it intentionally? What if we made a deal to love each other back to health? Can two - or more - damaged individuals have enough awareness to do that for each other?
So, I'm twisting in my emotional wind, wondering which way I'll be pointed in the end.
And I had a memory-moment which opened my eyes. I always think about/talk about being worthless. As I was talking to a close friend about all this, I suddenly remembered Pop telling someone that I was worthless - I was never any help to Mom. He said it when I was standing nearby...I think he was talking to an aunt or uncle or some such- who did not stand up for me.
One last point...I have been wallowing in, or experiencing fear of being loved, the feelings I "shared" with my son. And I realized that late at night there is a still, small voice reminding me of who loved me, and of who wanted to love me. This gentleness is breaking through, at least a little.
I love you. I hope you sleep well and dream something profound!
Clare
A great weekend
Wouldn't it be great if we all developed our talents and gifts for the benefit of the community and not to benefit ourselves? It would be a truly living 'offertory'.
I have treated my music the way that you treat your herbs. I give my CD's away for free and used to sing funerals for free, it was my service. Full disclosure - I charged for weddings because they are such a pain in the ass.
I love to offer service to others, but then get caught up in the expectation that they will reciprocate or at least appreciate. That, unfortunately, is too much to ask for. I know, in my head, that once the deed is done it is no longer mine to control. The manner in which people receive it is totally up to them, but I still hope for the 'correct' response...it's kind of like you judging your gift response as wrong many years ago.
My daughter#2 is very disappointed because no one from the community theater where she acts and helps out came to her show at the university. Despite being less than 5 miles away no one came out to see her work or support her. She is struggling because she has done so much for them and has the expectation that they are connected enough to make the effort to come out for a few hours. It is a very hard lesson to learn.
I gave my Intro to Quakerism talk today. I couldn't get the PowerPoint to open so I had to improvise until Greg was able to open it. Then we couldn't project it onto the screen. It really didn't matter though. I just spoke from my heart. I had them begin in silence to center and get a flavor of Worship. I was grateful that you mentioned 2 things that you discuss when you talk about Quakerism: there is that of God in all beings and continued revelation through the inner Light. I was able to see my quotes when I got to that point, which helped me. I had to try very hard to read the words to convey the essence and feeling that I felt the first time I read them. I hope that I did them justice.
As I was reading them and speaking about their meaning I was so struck by how overlapping they are. I was reading one about integrity and it would have been very appropriate for peace...I came back the idea that there is that of God in all beings many times this morning. It is powerful. I felt re-convinced after speaking today.
I spent hours outside yesterday cleaning up my gardens. I cut all of my perennials off in the fall and it is tough work. My back and thighs are very sore today...but it was so wonderful being outside and enjoying the mild November day...it was in the 60's and sunny all day.
I made carrot soup for dinner and baked sweet potatoes...it was a perfect day.
I hope that you have had a great weekend with your grandchildren. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have treated my music the way that you treat your herbs. I give my CD's away for free and used to sing funerals for free, it was my service. Full disclosure - I charged for weddings because they are such a pain in the ass.
I love to offer service to others, but then get caught up in the expectation that they will reciprocate or at least appreciate. That, unfortunately, is too much to ask for. I know, in my head, that once the deed is done it is no longer mine to control. The manner in which people receive it is totally up to them, but I still hope for the 'correct' response...it's kind of like you judging your gift response as wrong many years ago.
My daughter#2 is very disappointed because no one from the community theater where she acts and helps out came to her show at the university. Despite being less than 5 miles away no one came out to see her work or support her. She is struggling because she has done so much for them and has the expectation that they are connected enough to make the effort to come out for a few hours. It is a very hard lesson to learn.
I gave my Intro to Quakerism talk today. I couldn't get the PowerPoint to open so I had to improvise until Greg was able to open it. Then we couldn't project it onto the screen. It really didn't matter though. I just spoke from my heart. I had them begin in silence to center and get a flavor of Worship. I was grateful that you mentioned 2 things that you discuss when you talk about Quakerism: there is that of God in all beings and continued revelation through the inner Light. I was able to see my quotes when I got to that point, which helped me. I had to try very hard to read the words to convey the essence and feeling that I felt the first time I read them. I hope that I did them justice.
As I was reading them and speaking about their meaning I was so struck by how overlapping they are. I was reading one about integrity and it would have been very appropriate for peace...I came back the idea that there is that of God in all beings many times this morning. It is powerful. I felt re-convinced after speaking today.
I spent hours outside yesterday cleaning up my gardens. I cut all of my perennials off in the fall and it is tough work. My back and thighs are very sore today...but it was so wonderful being outside and enjoying the mild November day...it was in the 60's and sunny all day.
I made carrot soup for dinner and baked sweet potatoes...it was a perfect day.
I hope that you have had a great weekend with your grandchildren. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Casted
How was Hawk Mountain? Did everyone love it? What's most important is that you enjoyed yourself, even for a little while.
About the gift giving, I think part of the gift-giving-ritual is to offer the return gift of delight and acceptance. It's a loving exchange. I think what haunts me was the way his expression changed from "Isn't that cool? Look what I found for you!!" to "Screwed up again." I blocked the joy. I didn't understand the whole process, the flow of the exchange. The change in expression - that's where the "What is wrong with me?" comes from. But, yes, I wasn't as rude and hurtful as some people can be.
You may be playing devil's advocate, but that voice is coming from a place of competition. One person is more valuable than another. I know of a small city that has created their own currency. One bill equals an hour of labor. All labor is considered equal. An hour of my time is as valuable as an hour of your time. I love the cooperation, the humane-ness at the core of this program.
As soon as we start saying - you are worth less because you clean up after me, cook for me, watch my children - because you serve, we show just how competitive we are.
It is the base of the caste system that rules our lives. I have heard people criticize Gandhi, or express disbelief that such a good man could support or honor the caste system. But so do we. We just don't see it or recognize it. We are blinded by our culture.
Do we have talents and skills and do we develop these skills to serve or to climb into the highest caste possible? Or do we have these gifts, and opportunities to develop them so that we can serve each other, serve the planet, serve our fellow species?
I am drawn back to thoughts of an activist I know who believes in a gifting society. Because of her, I can't charge money for herbal healing work I do. That work is sacred, and I have to keep it out of the realm of competition. If I didn't have to panic about bills, I would live my whole life that way.
I have a sunny day of housecleaning and being with grandchildren ahead of me. But I will be thinking about this. Especially how we treat our military veterans. What caste do we shove them into?
My brain is whirling...
I love you, Enjoy this beautiful day!
Clare
About the gift giving, I think part of the gift-giving-ritual is to offer the return gift of delight and acceptance. It's a loving exchange. I think what haunts me was the way his expression changed from "Isn't that cool? Look what I found for you!!" to "Screwed up again." I blocked the joy. I didn't understand the whole process, the flow of the exchange. The change in expression - that's where the "What is wrong with me?" comes from. But, yes, I wasn't as rude and hurtful as some people can be.
You may be playing devil's advocate, but that voice is coming from a place of competition. One person is more valuable than another. I know of a small city that has created their own currency. One bill equals an hour of labor. All labor is considered equal. An hour of my time is as valuable as an hour of your time. I love the cooperation, the humane-ness at the core of this program.
As soon as we start saying - you are worth less because you clean up after me, cook for me, watch my children - because you serve, we show just how competitive we are.
It is the base of the caste system that rules our lives. I have heard people criticize Gandhi, or express disbelief that such a good man could support or honor the caste system. But so do we. We just don't see it or recognize it. We are blinded by our culture.
Do we have talents and skills and do we develop these skills to serve or to climb into the highest caste possible? Or do we have these gifts, and opportunities to develop them so that we can serve each other, serve the planet, serve our fellow species?
I am drawn back to thoughts of an activist I know who believes in a gifting society. Because of her, I can't charge money for herbal healing work I do. That work is sacred, and I have to keep it out of the realm of competition. If I didn't have to panic about bills, I would live my whole life that way.
I have a sunny day of housecleaning and being with grandchildren ahead of me. But I will be thinking about this. Especially how we treat our military veterans. What caste do we shove them into?
My brain is whirling...
I love you, Enjoy this beautiful day!
Clare
Friday, November 15, 2013
Change in perspective
Confession....I had to look up jettison because my understanding of the word confused your sentence...but, the definition of lightening one's load in order to progress makes a lot of sense.
I once read an idea that changed the whole Ten Commandment thing for me...
The author referred to them as commitments, which, if you are practicing them, indicate and direct spiritual maturation. I read that and no longer felt eternally damned for breaking a commandment. I can commit myself to those principles without fear of failure and the repercussions that stem from that failure.
I like the idea of cooperation not requiring currency...but my first though is What if the talents we share are not equal in value? What if my gifts are viewed as inferior to yours? Do I have to give you more or do we support each other to the best of our abilities? I am playing devils advocate...but those questions did pop into my mind...I have been overly-socialized.
May I ask why you question what is wrong with you, rather than thinking something more gentle? You related the Christmas story as a failure. Perhaps you wanted to share something that you really enjoy with B#3 because you already had the book and because you are generous. It isn't graceless to offer...it would have been graceless to call him a moron and expect that he already knew you would have a book on the subject. We are too harsh and judgmental towards ourselves. We think we are never good enough...but we are! This is where that tattoo is necessary, I Am Enough. SOmewhere that we can see it and be reminded frequently.
I am meeting two friends at Hawk Mountain in half an hour. They have never been there. I told them it is one of my favorite places. Now I am slightly anxious...what if they don't like it as much as I do? We've missed the fall foliage so it may not be as spectacular today. Oh well, I will go and find the beauty in whatever the day brings.
I love you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I once read an idea that changed the whole Ten Commandment thing for me...
The author referred to them as commitments, which, if you are practicing them, indicate and direct spiritual maturation. I read that and no longer felt eternally damned for breaking a commandment. I can commit myself to those principles without fear of failure and the repercussions that stem from that failure.
I like the idea of cooperation not requiring currency...but my first though is What if the talents we share are not equal in value? What if my gifts are viewed as inferior to yours? Do I have to give you more or do we support each other to the best of our abilities? I am playing devils advocate...but those questions did pop into my mind...I have been overly-socialized.
May I ask why you question what is wrong with you, rather than thinking something more gentle? You related the Christmas story as a failure. Perhaps you wanted to share something that you really enjoy with B#3 because you already had the book and because you are generous. It isn't graceless to offer...it would have been graceless to call him a moron and expect that he already knew you would have a book on the subject. We are too harsh and judgmental towards ourselves. We think we are never good enough...but we are! This is where that tattoo is necessary, I Am Enough. SOmewhere that we can see it and be reminded frequently.
I am meeting two friends at Hawk Mountain in half an hour. They have never been there. I told them it is one of my favorite places. Now I am slightly anxious...what if they don't like it as much as I do? We've missed the fall foliage so it may not be as spectacular today. Oh well, I will go and find the beauty in whatever the day brings.
I love you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Mower, Memories and a Book
Kind of funny that you asked me to note the moon's phases and see if my emotions are cyclical. Today, after work, I finished mowing my lawn - it was cold. I mowed until the mower ran out of gas, then put the mower away for the winter. I put my unused bicycle away for the winter. Then I planted 15 pink tulip bulbs from the baby shower last spring. As I finished, it was getting dark, and I looked just over the larch trees and saw an almost full moon. I remembered what I told you about my old friend's little ceremony and made a statement to the universe about what I would like to release.
So it is almost full moon. I'll try to remember that.
As I was mowing my mind started wandering. It is always fascinating where an unleashed mind will go. I ended up on Christmas Day in the late 1970s. B#3 gave me a book about The Rocky Horror Picture Show, because I had seen it so many times with a group of friends (some of whom are still friends!) I laughed, because I like the book, then told him I had this particular book and asked if he wanted to keep it. The 2013 me wondered why I was so graceless. Why didn't I say thank you and give him a big hug?
I hit a moment of - What was wrong with me???
And it seems unconnected, but it all started when I spoke with someone from Europe about a recent accident. A broken radius led to 6 weeks off. When I broke my wrist, I didn't miss a day. I didn't miss a minute of work. I was thinking about the way American workers are treated, and how expendable we are. It took me sort of into a funk that landed on Christmas, with me berating myself.
Interesting progression...
I also had an interesting conversation with an economist. We started out talking about the virtual online currency that is suddenly becoming popular. I had two thoughts about it. But the talk ended with my observation that there have been societies that functioned without money. That I believe currency is based in competition. Cooperation does not need currency. He understood me. I was shocked.
That's my day...my strange day.
Then I was exploring the web and I found that Alice Miller has written a book I had not seen before. It is called The Body Never Lies. I pasted the review just below. I have been thinking about it. Of course, I would love to read this book because her For Their Own Good was so important to me. But I read this:
An examination of childhood trauma and its surreptitious, debilitating effects by one of the world's leading psychoanalysts.
Never before has world-renowned psychoanalyst Alice Miller examined so persuasively the long-range consequences of childhood abuse on the body. Using the experiences of her patients along with the biographical stories of literary giants such as Virginia Woolf, Franz Kafka, and Marcel Proust, Miller shows how a child's humiliation, impotence, and bottled rage will manifest itself as adult illness - be it cancer, stroke, or other debilitating diseases. Never one to shy away from controversy, Miller urges society as a whole to jettison its belief in the Fourth Commandment and not to extend forgiveness to parents whose tyrannical childrearing methods have resulted in unhappy, and often ruined, adult lives. In this empowering work, writes Rutgers professor Philip Greven, "[listeners] will learn how to confront the overt and covert traumas of their own childhoods with the enlightened guidance of Alice Miller."
And I have a problem with the lack of forgiveness. I try to forgive because I want to be forgiven. I will jettison the Honor them part when parents are dishonorable. We really shouldn't have a commandment to honor our parents. They should earn it with their loving, supportive behavior every day of our young lives.
Tired, so off to dreamland for me, I hope!
I love you!!
Clare
So it is almost full moon. I'll try to remember that.
As I was mowing my mind started wandering. It is always fascinating where an unleashed mind will go. I ended up on Christmas Day in the late 1970s. B#3 gave me a book about The Rocky Horror Picture Show, because I had seen it so many times with a group of friends (some of whom are still friends!) I laughed, because I like the book, then told him I had this particular book and asked if he wanted to keep it. The 2013 me wondered why I was so graceless. Why didn't I say thank you and give him a big hug?
I hit a moment of - What was wrong with me???
And it seems unconnected, but it all started when I spoke with someone from Europe about a recent accident. A broken radius led to 6 weeks off. When I broke my wrist, I didn't miss a day. I didn't miss a minute of work. I was thinking about the way American workers are treated, and how expendable we are. It took me sort of into a funk that landed on Christmas, with me berating myself.
Interesting progression...
I also had an interesting conversation with an economist. We started out talking about the virtual online currency that is suddenly becoming popular. I had two thoughts about it. But the talk ended with my observation that there have been societies that functioned without money. That I believe currency is based in competition. Cooperation does not need currency. He understood me. I was shocked.
That's my day...my strange day.
Then I was exploring the web and I found that Alice Miller has written a book I had not seen before. It is called The Body Never Lies. I pasted the review just below. I have been thinking about it. Of course, I would love to read this book because her For Their Own Good was so important to me. But I read this:
An examination of childhood trauma and its surreptitious, debilitating effects by one of the world's leading psychoanalysts.
Never before has world-renowned psychoanalyst Alice Miller examined so persuasively the long-range consequences of childhood abuse on the body. Using the experiences of her patients along with the biographical stories of literary giants such as Virginia Woolf, Franz Kafka, and Marcel Proust, Miller shows how a child's humiliation, impotence, and bottled rage will manifest itself as adult illness - be it cancer, stroke, or other debilitating diseases. Never one to shy away from controversy, Miller urges society as a whole to jettison its belief in the Fourth Commandment and not to extend forgiveness to parents whose tyrannical childrearing methods have resulted in unhappy, and often ruined, adult lives. In this empowering work, writes Rutgers professor Philip Greven, "[listeners] will learn how to confront the overt and covert traumas of their own childhoods with the enlightened guidance of Alice Miller."
And I have a problem with the lack of forgiveness. I try to forgive because I want to be forgiven. I will jettison the Honor them part when parents are dishonorable. We really shouldn't have a commandment to honor our parents. They should earn it with their loving, supportive behavior every day of our young lives.
Tired, so off to dreamland for me, I hope!
I love you!!
Clare
Crazy...I have to find a better word
I am curious if you cycle into these melancholy periods as you would your menstrual cycle? I remember hearing Clarissa Pinkola Estes once saying that the veil is thinnest around the time of menstruation...even in post-menopausal women...cycles continue throughout your life. Maybe it has to do with the moon's cycle...just observe.
I was just interviewed by a student for a project on campus. I had to answer stock questions from his list...and started to wonder...how flakey must I sound?
Did you ever change your major in college? No, I was always focused on medical school and practicing medicine. It wasn't until after I practiced for years that I began to doubt that direction.
What other community activities are you involved in off campus? Well I am on the board of the domestic violence shelter, I rescue animals and I sing and write music.
I found myself asking him to not make me sound crazy when he does his presentation...
That is the second time this week I referred to myself as crazy...
I have to change that...find a better word.
Arguing with my older son...I will be so thankful when we stop butting heads. We argue over almost everything right now...what time to come home...who is cutting his hair...who he can hang out with...taking out the garbage or recycling....he just wants to fight. He reminds me that he is 17 and not a baby at least 3 times every day...
I can't think anymore...I will check in tomorrow.
Maggie
I was just interviewed by a student for a project on campus. I had to answer stock questions from his list...and started to wonder...how flakey must I sound?
Did you ever change your major in college? No, I was always focused on medical school and practicing medicine. It wasn't until after I practiced for years that I began to doubt that direction.
What other community activities are you involved in off campus? Well I am on the board of the domestic violence shelter, I rescue animals and I sing and write music.
I found myself asking him to not make me sound crazy when he does his presentation...
That is the second time this week I referred to myself as crazy...
I have to change that...find a better word.
Arguing with my older son...I will be so thankful when we stop butting heads. We argue over almost everything right now...what time to come home...who is cutting his hair...who he can hang out with...taking out the garbage or recycling....he just wants to fight. He reminds me that he is 17 and not a baby at least 3 times every day...
I can't think anymore...I will check in tomorrow.
Maggie
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
ugh, I'm pathetic
I'm in that weepy, pathetic place again. The place where the days stretch on forever, with no change in sight. Where I do okay, but there's nothing great...just being tired and dragging forward. Pooooorr me!
I hope I am in transition - that part of birthing when you feel like you just can't stand any more...and then - everything changes. There's new life.
I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite holiday. It's simple and graceful. We spend the day together, cooking, talking, playing games. We are not formal, we are simply together. And I love having a day when we all think about the good things around us, the gifts in our daily life. Maybe it should be a seasonal holiday!
I like the idea of releasing gratitude to the Universe. I had a friend who would do something similar for every full moon. One or two days before the moon was completely full, she would go outside and make a statement of what she wanted to release. Then she lived "empty" until the full moon. That night she went out and stated what she wanted in her life. It is a pretty thing to do.
Hurrah for being ready to send in your article. Be vulnerable and be open to being edited! I think that could be good rules for life! Maybe we should put that on a plaque and sell it!
I thought I was ready to start writing. I bought an new notebook - always an inspiration for me. I love all those empty pages just waiting for me. But now I'm back into the tired/tiring grind and can't figure out when to do it. Told you I was being pathetic tonight!
We had a little snow last night, so I filled the birdfeeder for the first time.l I love having them visit, so close to my office window. And the cat has resumed her favorite perch on that particular windowsill! When she's not there, she's on the arm of the couch closest to the woodstove. It's winter!
Off to bed with me. Morning comes really early here.
I love you. Hope I am more inspired tomorrow.
Clare
I hope I am in transition - that part of birthing when you feel like you just can't stand any more...and then - everything changes. There's new life.
I love Thanksgiving. I think it's my favorite holiday. It's simple and graceful. We spend the day together, cooking, talking, playing games. We are not formal, we are simply together. And I love having a day when we all think about the good things around us, the gifts in our daily life. Maybe it should be a seasonal holiday!
I like the idea of releasing gratitude to the Universe. I had a friend who would do something similar for every full moon. One or two days before the moon was completely full, she would go outside and make a statement of what she wanted to release. Then she lived "empty" until the full moon. That night she went out and stated what she wanted in her life. It is a pretty thing to do.
Hurrah for being ready to send in your article. Be vulnerable and be open to being edited! I think that could be good rules for life! Maybe we should put that on a plaque and sell it!
I thought I was ready to start writing. I bought an new notebook - always an inspiration for me. I love all those empty pages just waiting for me. But now I'm back into the tired/tiring grind and can't figure out when to do it. Told you I was being pathetic tonight!
We had a little snow last night, so I filled the birdfeeder for the first time.l I love having them visit, so close to my office window. And the cat has resumed her favorite perch on that particular windowsill! When she's not there, she's on the arm of the couch closest to the woodstove. It's winter!
Off to bed with me. Morning comes really early here.
I love you. Hope I am more inspired tomorrow.
Clare
regaining balance
It's interesting...you fell for your ex because he told you that you were beautiful...
my first love never told me that I was beautiful...
he told me that I was cute...
but never pretty or beautiful.
When we met up at the reunion he was surprised that I recalled that fact...
but it settled deep into my brain and stuck...
It's funny how those omissions hurt.
I remember when husband told me (and still does) that I am beautiful...
I couldn't believe it...it doesn't resonate with me.
I will claim smart, independent, capable, even compassionate...but never beautiful.
We are the product of our upbringing.
Today I was talking with a friend about Thanksgiving. She told me about an activity that her family has embraced...Japanese flying lanterns. They are paper lanterns with a small candle inside that act as a hot air balloon. She said that they write their gratitude, troubles, or blessings on them and then light and release them (they are biodegradable so they don't hurt the environment). We are going to NC for Thanksgiving with husband's brother's family. I ordered some lanterns and think that I am going to carefully consider what to release on Thanksgiving day. I may have to release a dozen to cover everything that I am letting go of and thankful for...It gives me something to think about.
So today I spent my day re-balancing. I have been hyped from last week's conference and being in the city. I could feel my brain buzzing. I thoughtfully made myself move out of my head and into my body. I cleaned, folded laundry, walked in the cold, sat quietly...and I was able to settle back into balance...a balance between my brain and body. It feels good.
I made a list several weeks ago of all of the short term projects that I've taken on...they sap my energy because they have frequent deadlines. So I am checking them off as I complete them...it's a visual reward that I have one less thing on my plate...and I am trying to not add more as I move along.
I am very close to finally sending that research article to a journal for consideration. I have revised it multiple times and feel as if it is as far as I can take it. I hope they can see the value of the work.
Love and Light,
Maggie
my first love never told me that I was beautiful...
he told me that I was cute...
but never pretty or beautiful.
When we met up at the reunion he was surprised that I recalled that fact...
but it settled deep into my brain and stuck...
It's funny how those omissions hurt.
I remember when husband told me (and still does) that I am beautiful...
I couldn't believe it...it doesn't resonate with me.
I will claim smart, independent, capable, even compassionate...but never beautiful.
We are the product of our upbringing.
Today I was talking with a friend about Thanksgiving. She told me about an activity that her family has embraced...Japanese flying lanterns. They are paper lanterns with a small candle inside that act as a hot air balloon. She said that they write their gratitude, troubles, or blessings on them and then light and release them (they are biodegradable so they don't hurt the environment). We are going to NC for Thanksgiving with husband's brother's family. I ordered some lanterns and think that I am going to carefully consider what to release on Thanksgiving day. I may have to release a dozen to cover everything that I am letting go of and thankful for...It gives me something to think about.
So today I spent my day re-balancing. I have been hyped from last week's conference and being in the city. I could feel my brain buzzing. I thoughtfully made myself move out of my head and into my body. I cleaned, folded laundry, walked in the cold, sat quietly...and I was able to settle back into balance...a balance between my brain and body. It feels good.
I made a list several weeks ago of all of the short term projects that I've taken on...they sap my energy because they have frequent deadlines. So I am checking them off as I complete them...it's a visual reward that I have one less thing on my plate...and I am trying to not add more as I move along.
I am very close to finally sending that research article to a journal for consideration. I have revised it multiple times and feel as if it is as far as I can take it. I hope they can see the value of the work.
Love and Light,
Maggie
evolution
Yeah, I think maybe I am trying to identify the stereotypes that speak to me. Nonetheless, they are stereotypes.
And I agree, that we get softer with age. Maybe we begin to trust ourselves, to know we can protect ourselves. I have seen it in many, many people. Of course, there are also the hardened bitter old ones who are wondering why they are so alone. They are still trapped in their victimhood, which is so comfortable, they don't want to see beyond it. Unfortunately, when change does happen, the wisdom and softening do not set in until the damage has been done to the next generation.
What happens next is a bit telling. Some of us simply forget. We evolve and become someone kinder, and pretend that is who we always have been. Others face the pain they have caused and try to make amends. It would be interesting to track these family groups...the three - the ones with the matriarchs/patriarchs who are never wrong and never change; the ones with the patriarchs/matriarchs who change but also change history, and the ones where the matriarchs/patriarchs change, own up and apologize.
I wish I lived close enough to see your daughter's plays. She always makes it look like such fun.
I don't think I have ever been very male in my attitudes. I think I have been female/martyr and female/mother.
I was thinking about being pretty while I was doing the dishes. Thinking about the dumb/fat/ugly message being so alive, almost tattooed in my thoughts, and on my consciousness. I fell hard for my ex because he told me I was beautiful, and I was desperate to hear it. I don't think I had ever heard it before.
We need to be aware of stating the obvious and of being kind.
Time to make dinner. I love you...
Clare
And I agree, that we get softer with age. Maybe we begin to trust ourselves, to know we can protect ourselves. I have seen it in many, many people. Of course, there are also the hardened bitter old ones who are wondering why they are so alone. They are still trapped in their victimhood, which is so comfortable, they don't want to see beyond it. Unfortunately, when change does happen, the wisdom and softening do not set in until the damage has been done to the next generation.
What happens next is a bit telling. Some of us simply forget. We evolve and become someone kinder, and pretend that is who we always have been. Others face the pain they have caused and try to make amends. It would be interesting to track these family groups...the three - the ones with the matriarchs/patriarchs who are never wrong and never change; the ones with the patriarchs/matriarchs who change but also change history, and the ones where the matriarchs/patriarchs change, own up and apologize.
I wish I lived close enough to see your daughter's plays. She always makes it look like such fun.
I don't think I have ever been very male in my attitudes. I think I have been female/martyr and female/mother.
I was thinking about being pretty while I was doing the dishes. Thinking about the dumb/fat/ugly message being so alive, almost tattooed in my thoughts, and on my consciousness. I fell hard for my ex because he told me I was beautiful, and I was desperate to hear it. I don't think I had ever heard it before.
We need to be aware of stating the obvious and of being kind.
Time to make dinner. I love you...
Clare
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
stereotypes
I was referring to male/female characteristics to make understanding easier...but, I try to stay away from stereotypes...they just make life easier to conceptualize.
When I was younger I was very "male" in my attitudes...it's how I got into and through medical school.
I knew that to earn acceptance with my first application I had to be near the top of the class, but definitely had to be the top woman. That was my strategy and that is what I did. I never intentionally sabotaged any of my female colleagues, but I can't say that I offered them a lot of assistance either. When I got to Med school I began to soften...it was a pass/fail system...so as long as you passed your courses you earned the degree...it took a lot of pressure off of me and allowed to relax out of the competitiveness...so much so that I eventually became uncomfortable in that ego-driven, competitive profession...and stepped out...my permanent sabbatical.
I don't think that I am unique. I believe that many people evolve from that survival, competitive type mindset to a more open and softer one. It just happens at different times for different people.
Perhaps we could explain it as the maturing of resilience allowing vulnerability its natural role.
I will research that Texas story...if that's true we need to make a lot of noise against that.
I went to daughter#2's play last evening with my youngest. It is called Danny and the Deep Blue Sea, this is her first directing effort. It was very well done, enough so that my youngest was disturbed by the content...violence and disrespect towards others. It sparked a conversation on the way home about how relationships should not be violent and how important honest communication really is to life.
It was good.
Love and Light,
Maggie
When I was younger I was very "male" in my attitudes...it's how I got into and through medical school.
I knew that to earn acceptance with my first application I had to be near the top of the class, but definitely had to be the top woman. That was my strategy and that is what I did. I never intentionally sabotaged any of my female colleagues, but I can't say that I offered them a lot of assistance either. When I got to Med school I began to soften...it was a pass/fail system...so as long as you passed your courses you earned the degree...it took a lot of pressure off of me and allowed to relax out of the competitiveness...so much so that I eventually became uncomfortable in that ego-driven, competitive profession...and stepped out...my permanent sabbatical.
I don't think that I am unique. I believe that many people evolve from that survival, competitive type mindset to a more open and softer one. It just happens at different times for different people.
Perhaps we could explain it as the maturing of resilience allowing vulnerability its natural role.
I will research that Texas story...if that's true we need to make a lot of noise against that.
I went to daughter#2's play last evening with my youngest. It is called Danny and the Deep Blue Sea, this is her first directing effort. It was very well done, enough so that my youngest was disturbed by the content...violence and disrespect towards others. It sparked a conversation on the way home about how relationships should not be violent and how important honest communication really is to life.
It was good.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, November 11, 2013
cycle forward
I had a day off! Maybe my first since September...or maybe before. I got lots done, which makes me feel a little more relaxed.
I know we would say I am touching on the difference between male and female. I know that women cycle, and men push forward. I know that when we work together, we cycle forward, correctly and humanely.
I just hate referring to the difference as male and female. Maybe because I have sons. But I have known very gentle men, who do not embody this notion we have of male.
I almost prefer seeing it as the difference between war-monger and pacifist. I know we could argue this, and both be right. But it does come down to whether we value competitiveness or cooperativeness.
I have tried, at times in the past, to ride my mouth of all military or violent vocabulary. It is really hard. It is like second nature to say, "I'm going to kill you..." when someone threatens to throw us a party or tell the world it is our birthday.
My daughter read me an article today. I don't know if it was a hoax, since she was reading from a social media site. But apparently Texas is going to allow medical research and experimentation on violent sexual offenders who have been imprisoned for life. All I could think is - they finish their lives as victims, just as the began their lives. I also thought of Nazis placing relative value on human lives, making it okay to experiment on Jewish people, or brown-eyed people, or gay people...you know, the subhuman among us.
Had a very vivid dream last night, that I was getting married. The colors were vivid, almost like I was walking in a piece of art. And so the strange dreams continue. Maybe because we are approaching yet another eclipse - always a trying time for me.
It is bed-time here. I'll check in tomorrow and see how you have been, and what inspiration has brightened your Light!
I love you - Clare
I know we would say I am touching on the difference between male and female. I know that women cycle, and men push forward. I know that when we work together, we cycle forward, correctly and humanely.
I just hate referring to the difference as male and female. Maybe because I have sons. But I have known very gentle men, who do not embody this notion we have of male.
I almost prefer seeing it as the difference between war-monger and pacifist. I know we could argue this, and both be right. But it does come down to whether we value competitiveness or cooperativeness.
I have tried, at times in the past, to ride my mouth of all military or violent vocabulary. It is really hard. It is like second nature to say, "I'm going to kill you..." when someone threatens to throw us a party or tell the world it is our birthday.
My daughter read me an article today. I don't know if it was a hoax, since she was reading from a social media site. But apparently Texas is going to allow medical research and experimentation on violent sexual offenders who have been imprisoned for life. All I could think is - they finish their lives as victims, just as the began their lives. I also thought of Nazis placing relative value on human lives, making it okay to experiment on Jewish people, or brown-eyed people, or gay people...you know, the subhuman among us.
Had a very vivid dream last night, that I was getting married. The colors were vivid, almost like I was walking in a piece of art. And so the strange dreams continue. Maybe because we are approaching yet another eclipse - always a trying time for me.
It is bed-time here. I'll check in tomorrow and see how you have been, and what inspiration has brightened your Light!
I love you - Clare
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Discipline or punishment?
I think that you are hitting on the theme of differences in traditional male/female traits...not necessarily only found in males or females...but how we categorize them. Female traits are about community, feelings, inclusion, making allowances for people's weaknesses. Males are more about individuality, control, dominance, and strength. Perhaps if we could tap into both of these patterns simultaneously we could create a healthier balance...in ourself and in our communities.
I think it is interesting that you note that we don't know what happened to the perpetrator...most wouldn't care...hoping that they would go away and rot...but you do think of the other...who is just as broken...damaged...and in need of healing. Perhaps this is where discipline should be used instead of punishment. Discipline is about teaching and showing a better path where punishment is just that, "you're bad" now rot.
I have found great compassion for the perpetrators of violence during this past year or so. I have come to realize that there has to be something very broken to allow that level of inhumanity. To be able to violate another human and not feel their worth or see their beauty is a terrible thing. I really feel as if we need to start a professional dialogue about serious perpetrator interventions and changing of societies' attitudes about violence, especially against women and children.
I am sorry that you didn't get to visit with your friend this weekend. I do hope that it will happen soon.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I think it is interesting that you note that we don't know what happened to the perpetrator...most wouldn't care...hoping that they would go away and rot...but you do think of the other...who is just as broken...damaged...and in need of healing. Perhaps this is where discipline should be used instead of punishment. Discipline is about teaching and showing a better path where punishment is just that, "you're bad" now rot.
I have found great compassion for the perpetrators of violence during this past year or so. I have come to realize that there has to be something very broken to allow that level of inhumanity. To be able to violate another human and not feel their worth or see their beauty is a terrible thing. I really feel as if we need to start a professional dialogue about serious perpetrator interventions and changing of societies' attitudes about violence, especially against women and children.
I am sorry that you didn't get to visit with your friend this weekend. I do hope that it will happen soon.
Love and Light,
Maggie
matriotocracy
I read your post last night, then wanted to take time to think about it. What has risen in my mind, what I have been poking at all night, is that there seem to be two approaches to life. I'm not sure how to name them. Maybe cooperative vs competitive or violent vs pacifist or maternal vs patriotic - not quite a match, but...some of us use a military, war-mongering, war-maintaining attitude and vocabulary in all aspects of life. Everything is either/or, win/lose, black/white. It's good and we fight for it, it's bad and we fight it.
It's so easy to label a person or a situation bad, identify that as the source of abuse, condemn, maybe remove. All better now? Never! Because we have not taken the time, nor had the compassion or wisdom to understand what happened to the perpetrator of the abuse.
Am I making any sense? It seems, from the outside, that there are two factions of healers. The war-like attackers who want to remove symptoms then monitor and diagnose until certain the "disease" is gone. Then there are the "warriors" who are brave enough to venture into the disease...what are the roots, what happened and when, how did it change things, why did it happen????? This is harder work.
(We need new vocabulary to distinguish between these warrior-types!)
Vulnerable can be open to attack...if we are constantly at war. Or vulnerable can be ready for love or for community - to let someone in...if we are diving deep and becoming one, finding peace, solving the riddles of our pain, forgiving and releasing, trusting once again...finding that wounded self deep in the swamp and providing support and courage to live again.
You said:
I learned that child victims of emotional abuse are more likely to be sexually assaulted as adults than child sexual abuse survivors..
I can suggest an explanation. Once we have been sexually assaulted, we learn to offer ourselves, to give into sexual pressure quickly as a way of maintaining control. Therefore it is not sexual assault. I am being very vulnerable here, and sharing personal experience.
Also, I think emotional abuse puts us in a place where we don't know how to protect ourselves. We are open to any kind of abuse.
About this weekend - the kids are sick, and there's a public health alert in the county due to some viral outbreak. My youngest and her daughter are feeling off. I was afraid of exposing my friend, and so I had to stay home this weekend. The decision made me incredibly sad, but it's for the best. We'll try again soon. But I miss her. I was really looking forward to long stretches of quiet time together. She is so wise and funny.
Have a nice First Day,
Love from Clare
It's so easy to label a person or a situation bad, identify that as the source of abuse, condemn, maybe remove. All better now? Never! Because we have not taken the time, nor had the compassion or wisdom to understand what happened to the perpetrator of the abuse.
Am I making any sense? It seems, from the outside, that there are two factions of healers. The war-like attackers who want to remove symptoms then monitor and diagnose until certain the "disease" is gone. Then there are the "warriors" who are brave enough to venture into the disease...what are the roots, what happened and when, how did it change things, why did it happen????? This is harder work.
(We need new vocabulary to distinguish between these warrior-types!)
Vulnerable can be open to attack...if we are constantly at war. Or vulnerable can be ready for love or for community - to let someone in...if we are diving deep and becoming one, finding peace, solving the riddles of our pain, forgiving and releasing, trusting once again...finding that wounded self deep in the swamp and providing support and courage to live again.
You said:
I learned that child victims of emotional abuse are more likely to be sexually assaulted as adults than child sexual abuse survivors..
I can suggest an explanation. Once we have been sexually assaulted, we learn to offer ourselves, to give into sexual pressure quickly as a way of maintaining control. Therefore it is not sexual assault. I am being very vulnerable here, and sharing personal experience.
Also, I think emotional abuse puts us in a place where we don't know how to protect ourselves. We are open to any kind of abuse.
About this weekend - the kids are sick, and there's a public health alert in the county due to some viral outbreak. My youngest and her daughter are feeling off. I was afraid of exposing my friend, and so I had to stay home this weekend. The decision made me incredibly sad, but it's for the best. We'll try again soon. But I miss her. I was really looking forward to long stretches of quiet time together. She is so wise and funny.
Have a nice First Day,
Love from Clare
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