Quiet night with kids here. This last year was a little tough - broken wrist colliding with new baby. I had moments of exhaustion, and I'm still not caught up.
But we're all okay. We're here. We're on the happier side of the spectrum.
Wondering what 2014 will be like...and my daughter-in-law called and asked if I wanted anything from the store. I said no, although there are two odd items that I needed. She and my son came in with a bag, saying they picked up some random items. Both needed items were in the bag. I think that is what we'll get in 2014...small, unexpected gifts that are exactly what we need. (The items were wild bird seed for my feeders, and dish liquid.)
Here's to you, with love. Thanks for being here for me.
See you next year!
With lots and lots of love!
Clare
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
Countdown
I am so sorry. I wrote down the information about the weekend workshop, and then let it slip into maybe-land. I can't get out there. I am feeling very January-trapped. This happens every year - I wonder how we are going to make it through the month. We always do, but not without a lot of fretting. I am so glad your husband can go. I really look forward to hearing details. I want lots of details...
I have a meeting tomorrow that could lead to an additional part-time job. Hold me in the Light please. Extra income flowing into this household would be a major blessing.
I think the only family Christmas card I got this year was from you. And I loved it. I have many of your cards from over the years, because they are always so...real and clever and fun. I love Christmas cards, but have not had the money to send them for the last few years. I think everyone else in the family just crossed me off their lists. I know S#3 is in the same boat - just can't afford it.
I wonder if you could explore hope, or define hope, or reach out for hope from a place of hopelessness. It might make for a very different perspective. How do we recognize hope from that place. And many of the people you will be working with will be in that place.
You describe depression as a grey veil. To me it is cold - so cold, I am numb. I can't move. It is the same kind of cold as sugar. Once I put sugar on my tongue and sensed it. It was cold and dead. They I put raw honey on my tongue. It was warm and alive. I want a honey-life!
I tend to ignore men who notice me. Maybe I believe I am a broken vessel. I don't believe there is anyone who would ever say "Mine." and so I never get to that point.
I watched a video today that made me cry.
Ah, I found it:http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/12/13/jeremy-loveday-masks-off_n_4442223.html
He says: Choosing silence allows violence.
That hit home.
Than I read a creative writing piece that explored why a woman set her boyfriend on fire. It was poetic, perhaps a blog. But if he didn't want to be set on fire, why was he wearing flammable clothes, and you know, this wasn't the first time he had been seen at the campfire. It continued on, exploring all the reasons why women deserve to be raped but twisting it enough to make it uncomfortable and eye-opening.
So that's my day. And I am tired.
Again, I apologize about next weekend...
Love from Clare
I have a meeting tomorrow that could lead to an additional part-time job. Hold me in the Light please. Extra income flowing into this household would be a major blessing.
I think the only family Christmas card I got this year was from you. And I loved it. I have many of your cards from over the years, because they are always so...real and clever and fun. I love Christmas cards, but have not had the money to send them for the last few years. I think everyone else in the family just crossed me off their lists. I know S#3 is in the same boat - just can't afford it.
I wonder if you could explore hope, or define hope, or reach out for hope from a place of hopelessness. It might make for a very different perspective. How do we recognize hope from that place. And many of the people you will be working with will be in that place.
You describe depression as a grey veil. To me it is cold - so cold, I am numb. I can't move. It is the same kind of cold as sugar. Once I put sugar on my tongue and sensed it. It was cold and dead. They I put raw honey on my tongue. It was warm and alive. I want a honey-life!
I tend to ignore men who notice me. Maybe I believe I am a broken vessel. I don't believe there is anyone who would ever say "Mine." and so I never get to that point.
I watched a video today that made me cry.
Ah, I found it:http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/12/13/jeremy-loveday-masks-off_n_4442223.html
He says: Choosing silence allows violence.
That hit home.
Than I read a creative writing piece that explored why a woman set her boyfriend on fire. It was poetic, perhaps a blog. But if he didn't want to be set on fire, why was he wearing flammable clothes, and you know, this wasn't the first time he had been seen at the campfire. It continued on, exploring all the reasons why women deserve to be raped but twisting it enough to make it uncomfortable and eye-opening.
So that's my day. And I am tired.
Again, I apologize about next weekend...
Love from Clare
Human dignity and worth
I am sorry for your friend's depression…
I understand how bleak that can be…
I will hold her in the Light.
I am reminded of the TED talk when he said that during depression you see the world through a gray veil…thinking that for the first time in your life you are seeing the world as it really is…instead of recognizing how dark and negative everything is.
I appreciate your pointing out the good that I experienced this past week.
I did understand and recognize the silver linings in the holiday week…
that was what I meant by the "best of times, worst of times" quote…
but it makes it challenging to appreciate the good portion mixed in.
I am grateful for the blessings of time and growth that we had this past week…
it's just that the growing pains are tough.
I am trying to write a blog about 'hope' for my job…
it is difficult to maintain a positive perspective…
I keep sliding into hopelessness. I will continue to work on it.
I spent several hours observing in my new office today…
and am once again touched by the extent of trauma in our world.
Every client tells stories of interpersonal violation in their past…present…and most don't see an end in sight. Most are women who equate relationship with having to perform sexual acts to maintain the relationship and have no hope of being seen, known or understood.
Where is the hope in that?
It is like the middle-eastern idea that women are like earthen pots, once broken/used are no longer worth anything…
Why do we, as a species, devalue the others?
We choose a mate…
one to whom we are attracted…
and yet as soon as they are 'ours' we devalue them…
treat them as objects…
fail to see their dignity and inherent worth…
Why?
I am trying to remember back a few years, when husband and I were separated. I was dating a very kind and gentle man…but being pursued by 2 others…both who wanted to claim me…not for who I was…they didn't know me well enough to understand that…they were attracted and wanted to possess. Even the one that I chose to be with would occasionally put his arm around my shoulder and say "mine". I could feel myself tense up when he did that…I think he sensed it too, because he only did it a few times.
Why do we want to possess others?
Why do we fail to see the beauty and free spirit of each other?
Why do we want it, until we have it, and then we decide that it is no longer desirable?
I need to find a way to maintain personal emotional boundaries with this new job…
or I will be heartbroken every day.
I had to postpone my lunch date with S#3 because I am observing an initial consultation tomorrow. I am disappointed because I am really looking forward to talking with her. I will reschedule for next week. At least she responded to my text.
It is interesting that you heard from our youngest sister…inviting you to share next year. I did not. Nor did I get any Christmas cards from any of our siblings neither. I am not sure that they sent any, but it's the second year in a row, for no Christmas cards…kind of sad. I did receive a text from B#2 and I texted B#1 & 4…never heard anything from B#1. I couldn't find B#3's phone number…I will try to get him for New Years. I am just getting it off my chest...
Anyway, I am assuming that you will not be able to make it to the Sacred Contracts workshop this Saturday. If you can…fantastic. If not, husband is willing to take your place. I will let you know what you miss.
Love and Light,
holding your friend in the Light,
Maggie
I understand how bleak that can be…
I will hold her in the Light.
I am reminded of the TED talk when he said that during depression you see the world through a gray veil…thinking that for the first time in your life you are seeing the world as it really is…instead of recognizing how dark and negative everything is.
I appreciate your pointing out the good that I experienced this past week.
I did understand and recognize the silver linings in the holiday week…
that was what I meant by the "best of times, worst of times" quote…
but it makes it challenging to appreciate the good portion mixed in.
I am grateful for the blessings of time and growth that we had this past week…
it's just that the growing pains are tough.
I am trying to write a blog about 'hope' for my job…
it is difficult to maintain a positive perspective…
I keep sliding into hopelessness. I will continue to work on it.
I spent several hours observing in my new office today…
and am once again touched by the extent of trauma in our world.
Every client tells stories of interpersonal violation in their past…present…and most don't see an end in sight. Most are women who equate relationship with having to perform sexual acts to maintain the relationship and have no hope of being seen, known or understood.
Where is the hope in that?
It is like the middle-eastern idea that women are like earthen pots, once broken/used are no longer worth anything…
Why do we, as a species, devalue the others?
We choose a mate…
one to whom we are attracted…
and yet as soon as they are 'ours' we devalue them…
treat them as objects…
fail to see their dignity and inherent worth…
Why?
I am trying to remember back a few years, when husband and I were separated. I was dating a very kind and gentle man…but being pursued by 2 others…both who wanted to claim me…not for who I was…they didn't know me well enough to understand that…they were attracted and wanted to possess. Even the one that I chose to be with would occasionally put his arm around my shoulder and say "mine". I could feel myself tense up when he did that…I think he sensed it too, because he only did it a few times.
Why do we want to possess others?
Why do we fail to see the beauty and free spirit of each other?
Why do we want it, until we have it, and then we decide that it is no longer desirable?
I need to find a way to maintain personal emotional boundaries with this new job…
or I will be heartbroken every day.
I had to postpone my lunch date with S#3 because I am observing an initial consultation tomorrow. I am disappointed because I am really looking forward to talking with her. I will reschedule for next week. At least she responded to my text.
It is interesting that you heard from our youngest sister…inviting you to share next year. I did not. Nor did I get any Christmas cards from any of our siblings neither. I am not sure that they sent any, but it's the second year in a row, for no Christmas cards…kind of sad. I did receive a text from B#2 and I texted B#1 & 4…never heard anything from B#1. I couldn't find B#3's phone number…I will try to get him for New Years. I am just getting it off my chest...
Anyway, I am assuming that you will not be able to make it to the Sacred Contracts workshop this Saturday. If you can…fantastic. If not, husband is willing to take your place. I will let you know what you miss.
Love and Light,
holding your friend in the Light,
Maggie
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Silver Linings?
So, you had a long, deep talk with D#1 and S#2 earlier this week, and today you got to stay home with the other two. It seems you have had the gift of some quality time with each.
I talked to S#3 for a while today. She has had a cold, which has laid her low. We talked about the family gathering we each missed this weekend. We both had messages from S#5 letting us know we missed a good time, and mine encouraged me to try to come next year. I responded that I get very little time off - or more truthfully, if I don't work, I don't get paid. I stay close to home. S#3 said she will be meeting you for lunch this week. I told her I am envious. I want to come!
We actually had a good talk about jobs and related stresses, and we laughed a lot at some family foibles. My youngest was adding comments throughout. She has the gift of sarcasm.
I had a long talk with a dear friend today, about depression. I talked about the TED talk, and she mentioned some related one. She recently changed doctors and had her meds changed. She developed an allergic reaction and had to go cold turkey on her antidepressants, and take prednisone. She had a reaction to the cortisone that made her suicidal. I was frightened for a few days. And there was nothing I could do but try to keep in touch and hold her in the Light. I tried to convince her to come stay in our spare room...This breaks my heart because she is one of the kindest, most intelligent people I know. It hurts to know she is in such pain, and there is no escape.
I presented my question to her - if the people who are depressed had not been violated, who would they be. We had no answers.
But the pain is so pervasive, and so undeserved.
I have to work tomorrow morning - last day of the year. I'll check back in here to see how things are with you.
Love from Clare
I talked to S#3 for a while today. She has had a cold, which has laid her low. We talked about the family gathering we each missed this weekend. We both had messages from S#5 letting us know we missed a good time, and mine encouraged me to try to come next year. I responded that I get very little time off - or more truthfully, if I don't work, I don't get paid. I stay close to home. S#3 said she will be meeting you for lunch this week. I told her I am envious. I want to come!
We actually had a good talk about jobs and related stresses, and we laughed a lot at some family foibles. My youngest was adding comments throughout. She has the gift of sarcasm.
I had a long talk with a dear friend today, about depression. I talked about the TED talk, and she mentioned some related one. She recently changed doctors and had her meds changed. She developed an allergic reaction and had to go cold turkey on her antidepressants, and take prednisone. She had a reaction to the cortisone that made her suicidal. I was frightened for a few days. And there was nothing I could do but try to keep in touch and hold her in the Light. I tried to convince her to come stay in our spare room...This breaks my heart because she is one of the kindest, most intelligent people I know. It hurts to know she is in such pain, and there is no escape.
I presented my question to her - if the people who are depressed had not been violated, who would they be. We had no answers.
But the pain is so pervasive, and so undeserved.
I have to work tomorrow morning - last day of the year. I'll check back in here to see how things are with you.
Love from Clare
A bit more drama
Clare,
Great choices on those TED talks. I, too loved the insight that the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it is vitality. I also enjoyed the schools killing creativity talk.
I am wracking my brain to remember the Uncle that you are describing. How old was I?
So, a little more drama yesterday. We were supposed to visit husband's family's Christmas gathering. Well son#1 refused to get out of bed and dressed to go…which gave son#2 courage to say he couldn't go because of 'diarrhea'. After much discussion son#2 decided to go along and submit to the day of family visitation. As we were walking to the car daughter#2 realized that son#1 was not going and she blew up…tears, shouting about how unfair this family is…she has been dragged to events for 19 years that she didn't want to go to and now he's getting out of something!!!!! It's really quite laughable when you think about how few family events the Delana clan has and the other side stopped gathering regularly when my in-laws died. So anyway to cut through the BS…I stayed home with daughter #2 and son#1. It actually gave me a good opportunity to talk with my son. He denies having experienced any traumas…but describes a pretty blunted view of the world. I think he may be depressed. I thought this last summer before the psychiatrist told him he had ADHD. I let him override my judgement. He agreed to see someone to consider medication, but hated the therapy. I told him that we could seek that out, but once he started meds he might be more open to talking with someone.
I hate medications.
I went to the store and got him a mood stabilizing supplement…all of the B vitamins, plus St Johns wort, and some others. I asked him ego begin that. Also to watch his sleep, exercise and diet to make sure that he is in balance.
I am making dinner tonight…peppers stuffed with rice, apples, onions, raisins and Indian spices and yogurt sauce, Spiced Lentils and Naan bread…I can't wait until the boys see what I serve them.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
PS- still no word from S#3…I tried to text her yesterday.
Great choices on those TED talks. I, too loved the insight that the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it is vitality. I also enjoyed the schools killing creativity talk.
I am wracking my brain to remember the Uncle that you are describing. How old was I?
So, a little more drama yesterday. We were supposed to visit husband's family's Christmas gathering. Well son#1 refused to get out of bed and dressed to go…which gave son#2 courage to say he couldn't go because of 'diarrhea'. After much discussion son#2 decided to go along and submit to the day of family visitation. As we were walking to the car daughter#2 realized that son#1 was not going and she blew up…tears, shouting about how unfair this family is…she has been dragged to events for 19 years that she didn't want to go to and now he's getting out of something!!!!! It's really quite laughable when you think about how few family events the Delana clan has and the other side stopped gathering regularly when my in-laws died. So anyway to cut through the BS…I stayed home with daughter #2 and son#1. It actually gave me a good opportunity to talk with my son. He denies having experienced any traumas…but describes a pretty blunted view of the world. I think he may be depressed. I thought this last summer before the psychiatrist told him he had ADHD. I let him override my judgement. He agreed to see someone to consider medication, but hated the therapy. I told him that we could seek that out, but once he started meds he might be more open to talking with someone.
I hate medications.
I went to the store and got him a mood stabilizing supplement…all of the B vitamins, plus St Johns wort, and some others. I asked him ego begin that. Also to watch his sleep, exercise and diet to make sure that he is in balance.
I am making dinner tonight…peppers stuffed with rice, apples, onions, raisins and Indian spices and yogurt sauce, Spiced Lentils and Naan bread…I can't wait until the boys see what I serve them.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
PS- still no word from S#3…I tried to text her yesterday.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
TED insights
I had a chance to listen to the TED talk you recommended - The Power of One Story. I enjoyed it, and it made me think a lot about stereotypes. It also reminded me that there is always more than one truth. But I also had a feeling that it would be amazing to get not only our generation/our sibling's stories, but also the aunts' and uncles' and grandparents' and their siblings. I thought of Grammy's brother, Uncle A, who disappeared for most of his life, came "home" when he was old, came home to die. And he insisted that there be no funeral, no service. There's part of our pattern - I am not worthy, even of a funeral.
Because I enjoy TED so much, and because it makes great background for doing housework, I also listened to Depression: The Secret We Share and How Schools Kill Creativity. The talk about depression was eye-opening. It made me think of us, our sibling group. The speakers proposes that the opposite of depression is vitality. He talked a lot about meds and family patterns. I always come back to violation - it is the root of depression and well as of violent behavior. We have wondered occasionally about why some abusers abuse while others don't. Perhaps those who do not become abusers are depressed. I was wondering what a depressed person would be like if they had never faced violation. I think they/we might be the analyzers who figure oiut the world, who understand the big picture...Maybe.
Because when I watched the talk about education, the speaker said our minds, our brains, our intelligence is strip mined for one commodity - basically left brain thinking. We are also trained up to obedience, which strongly entails not thinking for oneself.
It all makes a big picture.
I don;t know...
It's late, and I am tired. I will check in tomorrow...
Love from Clare
Because I enjoy TED so much, and because it makes great background for doing housework, I also listened to Depression: The Secret We Share and How Schools Kill Creativity. The talk about depression was eye-opening. It made me think of us, our sibling group. The speakers proposes that the opposite of depression is vitality. He talked a lot about meds and family patterns. I always come back to violation - it is the root of depression and well as of violent behavior. We have wondered occasionally about why some abusers abuse while others don't. Perhaps those who do not become abusers are depressed. I was wondering what a depressed person would be like if they had never faced violation. I think they/we might be the analyzers who figure oiut the world, who understand the big picture...Maybe.
Because when I watched the talk about education, the speaker said our minds, our brains, our intelligence is strip mined for one commodity - basically left brain thinking. We are also trained up to obedience, which strongly entails not thinking for oneself.
It all makes a big picture.
I don;t know...
It's late, and I am tired. I will check in tomorrow...
Love from Clare
Friday, December 27, 2013
Just thinkin'
When I shared that I thought your son may have been victimized somewhere along the way, it was because I saw the patterns. But when you said you would ask him, I stopped to think of what would happen if we asked one of our siblings if they had ever been abused. Some of us block, some of us forget, some of us lie and ignore.
I have a friend whose daughter was beaten by a teacher. It happens and we don't know...How involved was he with the church? It may sound cliche, but it doesn't hurt to snoop around.
It is important that you are recognizing your own patterns, your need for drama. Do you break down and mess up the holidays, or do you subconsciously encourage others to do so? Why? And you are right, your kids work in tandem with you. We learn together. That's from your abuse.
But there's another layer, another generation of pain playing out at your house.
Did you promise to test urine when it came out that they did something stupid? If so, then you had to follow through. If not, then maybe it could have been avoided, but they still had to go pick up the garbage and apologize to the man. But diluting urine, storing urine - that's choosing to be a liar. Then they call you psycho to distract you from the fact that they did lie to you. Just a bit more drama.
Mine have done that - gotten me sidetracked, trying to decide if their names had any merit. And I forget what started it, ready to assume blame. It's all my fault - the second generation!
I just come back to - stand back, as far back as possible, and logically look at the patterns.
I tried to call S#3 last Sunday and she didn't answer the phone. She was the one who pointed out our family pattern - the quieter one of us is, the worse the situation we are going through. I will try to get her again. I know she is having a tough time with all of her grandkids in her house, then dealing with professional deadlines.
Just thinking about my family. We play different roles - mostly dealing with alcohol. I see behaviors linked to shame and drama. It's hard for me to identify it all, though, because I am in the middle....I'll continue to use yours as a mirror for mine.
Hugs,
Clare
I have a friend whose daughter was beaten by a teacher. It happens and we don't know...How involved was he with the church? It may sound cliche, but it doesn't hurt to snoop around.
It is important that you are recognizing your own patterns, your need for drama. Do you break down and mess up the holidays, or do you subconsciously encourage others to do so? Why? And you are right, your kids work in tandem with you. We learn together. That's from your abuse.
But there's another layer, another generation of pain playing out at your house.
Did you promise to test urine when it came out that they did something stupid? If so, then you had to follow through. If not, then maybe it could have been avoided, but they still had to go pick up the garbage and apologize to the man. But diluting urine, storing urine - that's choosing to be a liar. Then they call you psycho to distract you from the fact that they did lie to you. Just a bit more drama.
Mine have done that - gotten me sidetracked, trying to decide if their names had any merit. And I forget what started it, ready to assume blame. It's all my fault - the second generation!
I just come back to - stand back, as far back as possible, and logically look at the patterns.
I tried to call S#3 last Sunday and she didn't answer the phone. She was the one who pointed out our family pattern - the quieter one of us is, the worse the situation we are going through. I will try to get her again. I know she is having a tough time with all of her grandkids in her house, then dealing with professional deadlines.
Just thinking about my family. We play different roles - mostly dealing with alcohol. I see behaviors linked to shame and drama. It's hard for me to identify it all, though, because I am in the middle....I'll continue to use yours as a mirror for mine.
Hugs,
Clare
Distractions
Dear Clare,
I was meditating this morning on your questions about my son…was he traumatized and now acting out? I will ask him.
But, then I had to ask myself did I create that chaos and distraction? Am I the one who couldn't take a peaceful day? I have been known to create a diversion of chaos to keep myself from working on really important things. Perhaps I am getting close to a breakthrough of understanding and a portion of me wants to run and hide. My oldest asked me not to do the urine drug tests until after the holiday…I agreed with her, but then after the man with my recycling showed up at my door I thought that I might as well know…the tension was already present. I think that may have been a mistake on my part.
But their attempts to 'beat' the drug test by diluting the urine…and my youngest gave me a bottle of urine that he had stored to pass a drug test (his own)…and they accuse me of being psycho and neurotic…I did this for a living…Urgent Care and Occupational Health train you well to monitor drug sample collections…they really do think that I am stupid.
Ok, see how I am distracting myself from the real message???
I need to focus…to center…and allow whatever to come through me.
I'm also eating chocolate…constantly…which makes me hyper and then drops my mood and energy to a point that I crave more…it's all the same cycle.
I was supposed to have lunch with S#3 today…yesterday she postponed it. She also told me that she is not joining the Delana gathering this weekend. I hope that she is all right. I know that she confides more in you…would/could you check in on her?
Yesterday afternoon daughter #2 and son#1 went to a movie together. They both came back happy. By the evening son#1 symbolically reclaimed his Christmas presents. I am comfortable that his flight risk is over. I actually slept in my own bed…but had the security alarms set just in case…although he knows how to get out unnoticed through a window. But things are settling down. I truly appreciate your concern and prayers.
I am going to try to settle in today…and focus on centering…while I go about my tasks…cleaning up this messy house. I hope it settles the mood here.
Blessings,
Maggie
I was meditating this morning on your questions about my son…was he traumatized and now acting out? I will ask him.
But, then I had to ask myself did I create that chaos and distraction? Am I the one who couldn't take a peaceful day? I have been known to create a diversion of chaos to keep myself from working on really important things. Perhaps I am getting close to a breakthrough of understanding and a portion of me wants to run and hide. My oldest asked me not to do the urine drug tests until after the holiday…I agreed with her, but then after the man with my recycling showed up at my door I thought that I might as well know…the tension was already present. I think that may have been a mistake on my part.
But their attempts to 'beat' the drug test by diluting the urine…and my youngest gave me a bottle of urine that he had stored to pass a drug test (his own)…and they accuse me of being psycho and neurotic…I did this for a living…Urgent Care and Occupational Health train you well to monitor drug sample collections…they really do think that I am stupid.
Ok, see how I am distracting myself from the real message???
I need to focus…to center…and allow whatever to come through me.
I'm also eating chocolate…constantly…which makes me hyper and then drops my mood and energy to a point that I crave more…it's all the same cycle.
I was supposed to have lunch with S#3 today…yesterday she postponed it. She also told me that she is not joining the Delana gathering this weekend. I hope that she is all right. I know that she confides more in you…would/could you check in on her?
Yesterday afternoon daughter #2 and son#1 went to a movie together. They both came back happy. By the evening son#1 symbolically reclaimed his Christmas presents. I am comfortable that his flight risk is over. I actually slept in my own bed…but had the security alarms set just in case…although he knows how to get out unnoticed through a window. But things are settling down. I truly appreciate your concern and prayers.
I am going to try to settle in today…and focus on centering…while I go about my tasks…cleaning up this messy house. I hope it settles the mood here.
Blessings,
Maggie
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Sending love...
Hey Sister,
I have been thinking about you and your children all day. Sending love and holding you all in the Light. Thinking about some of the situations my kids created/survived, and I know this is not easy.
I had a Light thought earlier today. Now that Christmas is over, I have stopped making lists. I was watching the baby, and realized I was only interacting with her. Nothing else was intruding. I was just here and relaxed. Being present, totally authentic, for a little while at least!
I liked it.
I also took time to taste my lunch, to think about the flavors I put together.
I guess I'm mentally preparing for 2014 - The year of Living Authentically!
Sending love and supportibve thoughts,
Clare
I have been thinking about you and your children all day. Sending love and holding you all in the Light. Thinking about some of the situations my kids created/survived, and I know this is not easy.
I had a Light thought earlier today. Now that Christmas is over, I have stopped making lists. I was watching the baby, and realized I was only interacting with her. Nothing else was intruding. I was just here and relaxed. Being present, totally authentic, for a little while at least!
I liked it.
I also took time to taste my lunch, to think about the flavors I put together.
I guess I'm mentally preparing for 2014 - The year of Living Authentically!
Sending love and supportibve thoughts,
Clare
We made it!-
Good morning,
We made it. We survived Christmas...
I just read and reread your Christmas Day post, then I read it again, and the question that screams is: What happened to him? Something happened that caused great pain...some kind of abuse. Look at his patterns. I just feel in my heart that something happened. He is numbing, and punishing himself. You had a wonderful day and he couldn't take the pleasure. He created drama to recreate the familiar which made him feel isolated again...alone because he is bad and not good enough. If we are good enough - the abuse would not have happened.
If he were a stranger, and you were asked to counsel the family - what assumptions would you make? What patterns would you see?
But, you did have some perfect moments at Christmas-time. This is good. This is a gift.
Dumping trash on someone else is also troubling. It seems he is so caught in his pain, he doesn't realize the rest of us are real. I think you are his life-line - almost the only other person who is real to him. That is why you get the brunt of his pain. Did you ask the boys to apologize to the property owner, to face the person they violated? (I was always big on face-to-face apologies. My kids hated it.)
I remember being a teen and wondering if I were the only real person on the planet. Did the rest of you even exist if you weren't in my reality.
Our holiday had some mini-dramas, but overall, it was nice. My youngest's girlfriend was with us for the first time. So we were on our nicer behavior - although we do tend to be nice. But she is funny and practical and very at home. I really like her. I spent a lot of time with my ex. He stayed with our oldest, and they stayed late playing games on Christmas Eve, and again on Christmas Night. It was remarkably easy. Although he did make my youngest feel bad about her life. So she was feeling insulted, unaccepted and hurt.
The others don't seem to care as much.
Mostly, for Christmas, I was exhausted. I slept well last night. I finally feel relaxed today. Sigh!!
Daughter preparing to run errands, so I will be taking the baby for a few hours. Perhaps I will be back later.
I love you, Keep on loving - it's never the wrong answer.
Clare
We made it. We survived Christmas...
I just read and reread your Christmas Day post, then I read it again, and the question that screams is: What happened to him? Something happened that caused great pain...some kind of abuse. Look at his patterns. I just feel in my heart that something happened. He is numbing, and punishing himself. You had a wonderful day and he couldn't take the pleasure. He created drama to recreate the familiar which made him feel isolated again...alone because he is bad and not good enough. If we are good enough - the abuse would not have happened.
If he were a stranger, and you were asked to counsel the family - what assumptions would you make? What patterns would you see?
But, you did have some perfect moments at Christmas-time. This is good. This is a gift.
Dumping trash on someone else is also troubling. It seems he is so caught in his pain, he doesn't realize the rest of us are real. I think you are his life-line - almost the only other person who is real to him. That is why you get the brunt of his pain. Did you ask the boys to apologize to the property owner, to face the person they violated? (I was always big on face-to-face apologies. My kids hated it.)
I remember being a teen and wondering if I were the only real person on the planet. Did the rest of you even exist if you weren't in my reality.
Our holiday had some mini-dramas, but overall, it was nice. My youngest's girlfriend was with us for the first time. So we were on our nicer behavior - although we do tend to be nice. But she is funny and practical and very at home. I really like her. I spent a lot of time with my ex. He stayed with our oldest, and they stayed late playing games on Christmas Eve, and again on Christmas Night. It was remarkably easy. Although he did make my youngest feel bad about her life. So she was feeling insulted, unaccepted and hurt.
The others don't seem to care as much.
Mostly, for Christmas, I was exhausted. I slept well last night. I finally feel relaxed today. Sigh!!
Daughter preparing to run errands, so I will be taking the baby for a few hours. Perhaps I will be back later.
I love you, Keep on loving - it's never the wrong answer.
Clare
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
Yesterday was so confusing…I am writing to help myself to process it all.
Husband worked yesterday, the kids and I spent the day very relaxed and enjoying each other's company. About noon the 4 of them drove to visit husband and deliver some coffee and sweet rolls. Husband was more than pleased to be remembered. We opened presents in the afternoon- no fighting this year. And then had dinner…daughter#1's boyfriend came over and all of us played Apples to Apples…laughing, joking…it was fabulous…just like I imagine Christmas should be.
Then…
in the evening…
son#1 asked for his phone back.
I need to take a paragraph and explain why he doesn't have it…
on Christmas eve a stranger knocked on our door. When I answered it he was holding some envelopes with my name on them. He explained that he had picked them up on his property…
and showed me a photo of his property with boxes of my recycling strewn over it…
son#1's chore is to drive recycling to the center…
he decided it didn't matter where he threw it …
he had somewhere else to go so...
he dumped it onto this guy's property.
I made him (with the help of his brother) go and clean it up.
He was very angry…couldn't understand what the big deal is…"littering isn't so bad!".
Well when they got home I asked both of them to do a urine drug screen. This is an agreement we have…because of past use and their wanting freedom to drive and visit their friends.
Well, they both handed me cold urine…
and then nastily called me "psycho" when I told them that urine comes out of your body at 98.6 degrees…
despite the diluted urine they still were positive for marajuana…
so they are grounded…no car…no phones…stay here unless you are with one of us.
This was difficult…but we talked it out and they seemed resigned to their fate.
So back to Christmas evening. When I explained that punishments are meant to teach and that going without a cell phone for 24 hours was not really a punishment, he lost it.
He said a lot of things…
loudly…
but most concerning is his threat to leave…
he wants to make it on his own…
he hates me…
and this family…
and just wants out!
I- to my own surprise- stayed relatively calm…
continued to tell him he is loved and wanted and that running away is not an acceptable reaction.
He gathered all of his presents and re-delivered them to me, telling me he doesn't want stuff from us.
I slept on the couch in the great room because I feared him leaving.
While on the couch my youngest and my oldest sat and talked with me. Assuring me that it would be all right. I had a very long…
deep conversation with my youngest about drug use…
and the fact that it is a distraction from developing into full potential.
He told me his best times are when he is high…
that's great, I told him…
but you can find those highs within yourself…
but it takes work…and time.
We are drugging ourselves out of real progress…all of the meds that we use on kids and adults to help them cope with life…what about coping by processing experiences, 'coming to grips' with what happens in your life…reaching out to others when you need their help to make sense of something…or need to laugh and just let go? We are altering our brain chemistry artificially…making it quicker and easier to cope…sometimes that is vital…sometimes it is convenient.
Anyway, back to son#1…I think his quick decompensation was a withdrawal from something…maybe nicotine…he's been smelling like cigarettes…always blames it on some one's mom or dad. I know today will be a roller coaster. I just hope that I can handle it. I hid all of the car keys, my wallet, anything that he could use to get away. I hope that later today I feel foolish for taking such measures, but I can't let him make an even bigger mistake by leaving. I love him so much. I want the best for him. I can't force him into a productive life, but I can try to guide him from making poor choices.
Sorry to dump all of this at your feet…I just need to rethink the events and try to make sense of it all.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas Eve
The vulnerability of your dream is fascinating. I wonder what would happen if you just left everything fall away.
I did several hours orienting at my new office yesterday. It was comforting…I kept thinking, "I can do this"…which was comforting especially since I had a little irritable bowel syndrome prior to going in.
I sat through 2 sessions, both women who had been abused and traumatized…trying to make life and relationships work. What a recurrent theme. It's enough to make me want to stand up and scream…STOP THE VIOLENCE AND DISRESPECT.
Enough already!
I have been emotionally caught up in a little girl who is terminal in a nearby town. There's been a Facebook following…I cry whenever I read a post. Her parents have strong faith and seem to have surrendered to God's will. I am trying to understand that kind of faith…I hope that I would come to that if I were ever in a similar situation.
My boys are really trying my patience…and I remind myself that they are healthy and alive.
My trip to NY was wonderful…the play was incredible.
The concert was also an incredible night…at 87 Tony Bennett is still singing and dancing…I hope that I am as active when I get to that point.
Sweet rolls are made…presents are wrapped…I am heading to Meeting for an hour of silent candle light…and then to 11pm church with the family. Sounds like Christmas is almost here.
I love you. I wish you wonderful Christmas magic.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I did several hours orienting at my new office yesterday. It was comforting…I kept thinking, "I can do this"…which was comforting especially since I had a little irritable bowel syndrome prior to going in.
I sat through 2 sessions, both women who had been abused and traumatized…trying to make life and relationships work. What a recurrent theme. It's enough to make me want to stand up and scream…STOP THE VIOLENCE AND DISRESPECT.
Enough already!
I have been emotionally caught up in a little girl who is terminal in a nearby town. There's been a Facebook following…I cry whenever I read a post. Her parents have strong faith and seem to have surrendered to God's will. I am trying to understand that kind of faith…I hope that I would come to that if I were ever in a similar situation.
My boys are really trying my patience…and I remind myself that they are healthy and alive.
My trip to NY was wonderful…the play was incredible.
The concert was also an incredible night…at 87 Tony Bennett is still singing and dancing…I hope that I am as active when I get to that point.
Sweet rolls are made…presents are wrapped…I am heading to Meeting for an hour of silent candle light…and then to 11pm church with the family. Sounds like Christmas is almost here.
I love you. I wish you wonderful Christmas magic.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, December 23, 2013
I'm dreaming of...
It dawned on me today that the dream about careening out of control is about my grandchild. The fact that it was scary, but the driver never lost control of the car means it is going to be okay. I feel peace in my heart.
Listening to Christmas carols and cleaning my heart. (Just rereading to edit and see that I wrote that I am cleaning my heart. I thought I wrote cleaning my house. Maybe I am cleaning my heart...) I'm back and forth between making lists over and over - my go-to behavior when stressed - and recognizing random memories from my past.
I suddenly remembered one afternoon - I was a teenager. Dad fell asleep on the couch and we painted his toenails purple. Don't remember exactly who was involved, but I think it was a sister's operation. Someone came and knocked on the door and he went and answered, barefoot.
Hopefully we can get the house cleaned tonight. The laundry is pretty much caught up.. Then we can get groceries tomorrow morning, and spend the day cooking - after I clean the chimney and rebuild the fire. And we're expecting a few deliveries. And I hoped to finish a small knitting project I haven't started yet...This is the list I keep cycling...and we always sit and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas after everyone has gone home on Christmas Eve.
I had another strange dream. It was bizarre, but I am going to share it anyway. I was in a grocery store and I saw someone I recognized. As I walked over to say Hi! my wrap skirt started to unwrap. I was sort of walking in circles, trying to get the skirt to stop opening. Then I was in a diner booth. Next to me was a young friend - a homeschooling Mom with two sons. She is a dynamo organizer - always busy...kind of like me when I was her age. Across the table was a man I know. My clothes were falling off. I kept trying to pull my bra back up, but I was sitting there naked holding onto a blanket that I couldn't quite pull up over myself. And my body started growing, expanding. I remember thinking that I was going to be trapped in the booth - I was going to be too fat to get out. The man was looking at me quizzically. The woman was looking at me with great sympathy. I felt really embarrassed and exposed...then I woke up.
Is this an authentic reveal? I have no idea what this one means.
I hope you are having a joyful time, no matter where you are. I love you and miss you...
Clare
Listening to Christmas carols and cleaning my heart. (Just rereading to edit and see that I wrote that I am cleaning my heart. I thought I wrote cleaning my house. Maybe I am cleaning my heart...) I'm back and forth between making lists over and over - my go-to behavior when stressed - and recognizing random memories from my past.
I suddenly remembered one afternoon - I was a teenager. Dad fell asleep on the couch and we painted his toenails purple. Don't remember exactly who was involved, but I think it was a sister's operation. Someone came and knocked on the door and he went and answered, barefoot.
Hopefully we can get the house cleaned tonight. The laundry is pretty much caught up.. Then we can get groceries tomorrow morning, and spend the day cooking - after I clean the chimney and rebuild the fire. And we're expecting a few deliveries. And I hoped to finish a small knitting project I haven't started yet...This is the list I keep cycling...and we always sit and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas after everyone has gone home on Christmas Eve.
I had another strange dream. It was bizarre, but I am going to share it anyway. I was in a grocery store and I saw someone I recognized. As I walked over to say Hi! my wrap skirt started to unwrap. I was sort of walking in circles, trying to get the skirt to stop opening. Then I was in a diner booth. Next to me was a young friend - a homeschooling Mom with two sons. She is a dynamo organizer - always busy...kind of like me when I was her age. Across the table was a man I know. My clothes were falling off. I kept trying to pull my bra back up, but I was sitting there naked holding onto a blanket that I couldn't quite pull up over myself. And my body started growing, expanding. I remember thinking that I was going to be trapped in the booth - I was going to be too fat to get out. The man was looking at me quizzically. The woman was looking at me with great sympathy. I felt really embarrassed and exposed...then I woke up.
Is this an authentic reveal? I have no idea what this one means.
I hope you are having a joyful time, no matter where you are. I love you and miss you...
Clare
Saturday, December 21, 2013
My Bad Day
Hah! I bet my poor-me day is more dramatic than your poor me day. Or at least equal! On Thursday night my computer died. And I did what I always do...I called S#3 and whined. Our sister is exhausted. Between professional deadlines and her daughter's babies, she is pushing herself too hard. But we had a good laugh about the milk spilled into the clean laundry, and one little tyke's attempts to hide broken Christmas balls.
I read the computer message to her, and she said I was going to have to take it in. I called my computer guy and he said it sounded like the hard drive would have to be replaced.
So I had a good cry. I have been working extra hours 4 days of every week, trying to get through Christmas and into January without too much stress. But the extra money will have to be spent on a computer. I had that overwhelming feeling that I just can't get ahead, no matter how hard I try.
I went outside into the Solstice dark and said, out loud, "It's not supposed to be this way. There is always supposed to be enough for all. We are supposed to live together, and have enough. There should not be homelessness or hunger or such stress just trying to avoid those options." And I felt a sense of joy. I felt like someone or something was acknowledging me, listening to me.
Life has ups and downs, and if the worst that happens is my computer goes down - during Christmas week - well then I'm pretty lucky.
This truth was settling with me when it was slammed home, right into my heart. One of my grandchildren had a nevus removed. It was biopsied and the cells are atypical. I feel confident that all is well, but there is a vulnerability about simply existing in this time before the monster has a name. The doc made an immediate appointment to excise the edges and check a node. So we wait, with hearts open, sending love and prayers.
My computer guy called after that and let me know that I have to replace my computer. It would cost more to repair than the machine is worth. That was not in the budget - but hey, we're healthy and basically happy and it's stressful, but the stress will pass quickly.
So I have a new-to-me computer. Merry Christmas to me!
I planned to clean house, put up the Christmas tree, and move firewood, since the weather was nice. Instead, I spent much of the day on the phone, dealing with the computer and having people pop in. The tree is decorated, because my youngest finished it. The house is a disaster. I am tired - sort of shell-shocked. But we made it...
I hope the concert was amazing. I hope tomorrow is an even better day...
I love you,
Clare
-Just rereading your last posts...what we are doing is hard and scary, even with each other. If anyone else is ready, they'll talk. Then we'll have three stories woven together, and a deeper understanding of what happened to us all. If we all participated, it would be a lot to process, but the understanding would be deep and wide and no one could avoid it!
Someone has to go first, and right here, right now, it;s you and me, sister!
I read the computer message to her, and she said I was going to have to take it in. I called my computer guy and he said it sounded like the hard drive would have to be replaced.
So I had a good cry. I have been working extra hours 4 days of every week, trying to get through Christmas and into January without too much stress. But the extra money will have to be spent on a computer. I had that overwhelming feeling that I just can't get ahead, no matter how hard I try.
I went outside into the Solstice dark and said, out loud, "It's not supposed to be this way. There is always supposed to be enough for all. We are supposed to live together, and have enough. There should not be homelessness or hunger or such stress just trying to avoid those options." And I felt a sense of joy. I felt like someone or something was acknowledging me, listening to me.
Life has ups and downs, and if the worst that happens is my computer goes down - during Christmas week - well then I'm pretty lucky.
This truth was settling with me when it was slammed home, right into my heart. One of my grandchildren had a nevus removed. It was biopsied and the cells are atypical. I feel confident that all is well, but there is a vulnerability about simply existing in this time before the monster has a name. The doc made an immediate appointment to excise the edges and check a node. So we wait, with hearts open, sending love and prayers.
My computer guy called after that and let me know that I have to replace my computer. It would cost more to repair than the machine is worth. That was not in the budget - but hey, we're healthy and basically happy and it's stressful, but the stress will pass quickly.
So I have a new-to-me computer. Merry Christmas to me!
I planned to clean house, put up the Christmas tree, and move firewood, since the weather was nice. Instead, I spent much of the day on the phone, dealing with the computer and having people pop in. The tree is decorated, because my youngest finished it. The house is a disaster. I am tired - sort of shell-shocked. But we made it...
I hope the concert was amazing. I hope tomorrow is an even better day...
I love you,
Clare
-Just rereading your last posts...what we are doing is hard and scary, even with each other. If anyone else is ready, they'll talk. Then we'll have three stories woven together, and a deeper understanding of what happened to us all. If we all participated, it would be a lot to process, but the understanding would be deep and wide and no one could avoid it!
Someone has to go first, and right here, right now, it;s you and me, sister!
a better day
Today is a better day.
I spent the morning with my horses…3 of whom are quite happy to have blankets on in this weather…one of my mares didn't want to have it back on…she was trying to bite me…or threatening to…but she definitely wanted to go out 'naked' today. I put it back on though…because I can't go over all the time to put it back on when the temperature drops severely…like Tuesday its going to be subfreezing again.
Anyway…I came home and then showered and did my hair. I tried to curl it because I am going to a concert tonight…well it was like Rosanne Rosannadana hair. In the middle of my reparations of the crazy hair my older son came home with blue hair…he died it black last night but it has blue tints…he's not happy…oh well it's only hair.
I took a drive to a local farmers market this afternoon with my youngest. we chose a free-range, organically fed chicken for christmas dinner. I also pick dup some root vegetables to roast also... fennel, squash, potatoes, leeks, parsnips, carrots…all roasted together…I cannot wait.
I hope that you are doing well. Enjoy your weekend and grandchildren.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I spent the morning with my horses…3 of whom are quite happy to have blankets on in this weather…one of my mares didn't want to have it back on…she was trying to bite me…or threatening to…but she definitely wanted to go out 'naked' today. I put it back on though…because I can't go over all the time to put it back on when the temperature drops severely…like Tuesday its going to be subfreezing again.
Anyway…I came home and then showered and did my hair. I tried to curl it because I am going to a concert tonight…well it was like Rosanne Rosannadana hair. In the middle of my reparations of the crazy hair my older son came home with blue hair…he died it black last night but it has blue tints…he's not happy…oh well it's only hair.
I took a drive to a local farmers market this afternoon with my youngest. we chose a free-range, organically fed chicken for christmas dinner. I also pick dup some root vegetables to roast also... fennel, squash, potatoes, leeks, parsnips, carrots…all roasted together…I cannot wait.
I hope that you are doing well. Enjoy your weekend and grandchildren.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, December 20, 2013
Listening to your heart's voice
I didn't sign in yesterday because I was having a 'poor me' day. I was very emotional. I had an argument with my youngest on the way to school because I wouldn't lie to cover his tardiness for school (a chronic problem). I ate about a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream to drown my sorrows…and had to remind myself that authenticity starts 1/1/14.
We decorated the Christmas tree when all of the kids got home Wednesday evening, my older son was making veiled threats about what he would do if he didn't get 'good stuff' for Christmas, and how unfair it was that we bought family presents that he won't use (I beg to disagree).
I got so tired of the selfishness that I walked away…
but his attitude must have steeped into my brain…
because I woke up cranky.
And then the cascade of events- including waking up with no heat or hot water- left me feeling quite un-Christmas-y.
This is the part of Christmas that I dislike…
the expectations…
and my underlying fear of not living up to those expectations.
I wanted to share a TED talk with you http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html
It's called The Danger of a Single Story. The presenter, as a young woman raised in Nigeria and then educated in the US talks about how stereotypes are established…by hearing only one story, and establishing out perceptions from those.
It was a beautiful talk…
it made me think of this blog…
and our story.
I think that we are blessed to have 2 stories to share, and write about…
but this story would be so much more comprehensible and full if we had 9 (or more) other voices sharing their unique memories. We would not be creating a stereotypical story of child abuse survival and the quest to process the memories and create a better understanding of our lives and journeys.
I apologetically keep coming back to this…
but what if our family conversation had not been stifled abruptly when it began to dig deeper and broad?
There are times when I think I/we should try to reignite that conversation…
but we did, by inviting them to visit this site and join our on-line conversation, and none have taken advantage of this opportunity. Is that fear? Is it being comfortable with ignorance? Is it just not giving a damn about life?
Life calls us to move deeper into our souls and our selves. How can we just ignore our heart's voice that calls to us? It invites you to walk the path of self-discovery…
and along the way…
universal truths are revealed.
How can we shut that out?
I can't…
it calls…
just as loudly as that mint chocolate chip ice cream called my name yesterday.
An interesting note…
today I was candling my daughter's ears and she offered to share a Beyonce' video with me because it was about female empowerment and I was working on that today. Throughout the video Chimamanda Adichie spoke about the power of women…the same woman in the TED talk.
I think I am supposed to pay attention to this woman and her message.
No more school until after the New Year begins…a reprieve from morning battles…and rushing.
I love no schedule! At least for a little while until I need the structure of a schedule…just like me to want it both ways.
I was thinking of your friend's tarot reading…
I am going to work very close to home and help people by listening to them and trusting my intuition. It is kind of amazing how that is coming to pass.
I begin my orientation there on Monday…I am excited and nervous.
Love and Light,
Maggie
We decorated the Christmas tree when all of the kids got home Wednesday evening, my older son was making veiled threats about what he would do if he didn't get 'good stuff' for Christmas, and how unfair it was that we bought family presents that he won't use (I beg to disagree).
I got so tired of the selfishness that I walked away…
but his attitude must have steeped into my brain…
because I woke up cranky.
And then the cascade of events- including waking up with no heat or hot water- left me feeling quite un-Christmas-y.
This is the part of Christmas that I dislike…
the expectations…
and my underlying fear of not living up to those expectations.
I wanted to share a TED talk with you http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html
It's called The Danger of a Single Story. The presenter, as a young woman raised in Nigeria and then educated in the US talks about how stereotypes are established…by hearing only one story, and establishing out perceptions from those.
It was a beautiful talk…
it made me think of this blog…
and our story.
I think that we are blessed to have 2 stories to share, and write about…
but this story would be so much more comprehensible and full if we had 9 (or more) other voices sharing their unique memories. We would not be creating a stereotypical story of child abuse survival and the quest to process the memories and create a better understanding of our lives and journeys.
I apologetically keep coming back to this…
but what if our family conversation had not been stifled abruptly when it began to dig deeper and broad?
There are times when I think I/we should try to reignite that conversation…
but we did, by inviting them to visit this site and join our on-line conversation, and none have taken advantage of this opportunity. Is that fear? Is it being comfortable with ignorance? Is it just not giving a damn about life?
Life calls us to move deeper into our souls and our selves. How can we just ignore our heart's voice that calls to us? It invites you to walk the path of self-discovery…
and along the way…
universal truths are revealed.
How can we shut that out?
I can't…
it calls…
just as loudly as that mint chocolate chip ice cream called my name yesterday.
An interesting note…
today I was candling my daughter's ears and she offered to share a Beyonce' video with me because it was about female empowerment and I was working on that today. Throughout the video Chimamanda Adichie spoke about the power of women…the same woman in the TED talk.
I think I am supposed to pay attention to this woman and her message.
No more school until after the New Year begins…a reprieve from morning battles…and rushing.
I love no schedule! At least for a little while until I need the structure of a schedule…just like me to want it both ways.
I was thinking of your friend's tarot reading…
I am going to work very close to home and help people by listening to them and trusting my intuition. It is kind of amazing how that is coming to pass.
I begin my orientation there on Monday…I am excited and nervous.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, December 19, 2013
It's Xmas time...
I did youth work for years - with Quaker kids. I had one who sat on top of the refrigerator, or in some other place where he was present, but still had his space. It reminds me of your son, a little. He needs to find his distance, yet still be there. He felt like part of the group, just as your son does.
The other thing I remember thinking at his age, at that age when we are pulling away from the family and discovering who we are, was, "I didn't ask to be born! I didn't ask for this!" I had a great sense of outrage and of the unfairness of life in general. I think your older son is sensitive to all this, and the safest place to fight back is with parents who won't reject him. Of course, that's too simplistic, and there's always a deeper layer.
When you described your husband's behavior, I was somewhat reminded of me. If you love me, you will know what I want. It's not authentic. I think he wanted you all to consider what would be easiest for him, then choose that. When that wasn't the thought process that started, he may have felt put upon. Learning this language, and lack of, and avoiding it will be part of the work of being authentic.
First we have to decide what we want, what will work best for us. Then we have to communicate it reasonably and gently. And we have to know if it's negotiable or not.
The holidays brings up emotion in all of us. The child is still waiting for a perfect Christmas. The young parent is still struggling to get it right. I think your husband has this going on, but he's too busy to sit down and see who is clamoring for attention, or peace. Instead he just pushes forward and has no idea who is knocking to get out.
I agree that Facebook is not an appropriate place for much of what goes on there. I think sometimes it is the only place where people feel heard.
I woke up this morning and thought it was Friday. I was very disappointed to find I have one more work day. I was awake from about 3:00 am on, making and revising Christmas lists. The tension has begun!
I had a vivid dream, that I need to share with a participant. I was in the front seat of a large car with a friend, a man who is my age and who I really enjoy talking to. We have similar backgrounds. I was in the middle seat, my oldest son was in the passenger seat, and I think my youngest granddaughter was in the back in her carseat. We were coming downhill, on snow, approaching the lake and a good speed. All of a sudden we saw that the road curved at almost 90 degrees. If we missed the curve, we would end up crashing into a very large rock. The driver grasped the wheel and steered. I laid back and consciously relaxed my body, knowing it would be best whether we crashed or not. We careened around the curve and made it - somewhat out of control - but safely. I just laid there with my eyes closed, waiting to see what would happen...
All day I planned to pop an email to my friend and tell him, but I forgot until now.
Hope you are warm and cozy and serene!
Love you,
Clare
The other thing I remember thinking at his age, at that age when we are pulling away from the family and discovering who we are, was, "I didn't ask to be born! I didn't ask for this!" I had a great sense of outrage and of the unfairness of life in general. I think your older son is sensitive to all this, and the safest place to fight back is with parents who won't reject him. Of course, that's too simplistic, and there's always a deeper layer.
When you described your husband's behavior, I was somewhat reminded of me. If you love me, you will know what I want. It's not authentic. I think he wanted you all to consider what would be easiest for him, then choose that. When that wasn't the thought process that started, he may have felt put upon. Learning this language, and lack of, and avoiding it will be part of the work of being authentic.
First we have to decide what we want, what will work best for us. Then we have to communicate it reasonably and gently. And we have to know if it's negotiable or not.
The holidays brings up emotion in all of us. The child is still waiting for a perfect Christmas. The young parent is still struggling to get it right. I think your husband has this going on, but he's too busy to sit down and see who is clamoring for attention, or peace. Instead he just pushes forward and has no idea who is knocking to get out.
I agree that Facebook is not an appropriate place for much of what goes on there. I think sometimes it is the only place where people feel heard.
I woke up this morning and thought it was Friday. I was very disappointed to find I have one more work day. I was awake from about 3:00 am on, making and revising Christmas lists. The tension has begun!
I had a vivid dream, that I need to share with a participant. I was in the front seat of a large car with a friend, a man who is my age and who I really enjoy talking to. We have similar backgrounds. I was in the middle seat, my oldest son was in the passenger seat, and I think my youngest granddaughter was in the back in her carseat. We were coming downhill, on snow, approaching the lake and a good speed. All of a sudden we saw that the road curved at almost 90 degrees. If we missed the curve, we would end up crashing into a very large rock. The driver grasped the wheel and steered. I laid back and consciously relaxed my body, knowing it would be best whether we crashed or not. We careened around the curve and made it - somewhat out of control - but safely. I just laid there with my eyes closed, waiting to see what would happen...
All day I planned to pop an email to my friend and tell him, but I forgot until now.
Hope you are warm and cozy and serene!
Love you,
Clare
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
ambivalence
Congratulations…your family just officially grew. I know that you embraced your new daughter-in-law as your own…but now it is official.
It's funny…I have such mixed feelings tonight about holidays, and babies, and kids.
I am really excited that my kids are all under one roof, we decorated the tree…although my older son refused to participate…he just laid on the couch and watched…I don't really know how to make him feel a part of everything…so I make sure he knows he's welcomed and encouraged to be a part of everything…sometimes even forcing him to be present…I just don't want him to ever look back and think he wasn't wanted.
I am feeling pressure from husband for some unknown reason…he is coming home stressed and subtly angry…but not really able to express his frustration. We've been talking. He's been stressed about a co-worker/employee who is ill…but he doesn't think that's the problem. Tonight he was trying to push everyone to decorate and then he ended up n the phone for an extended period of time with the cable company and DISH network…I just don't get it. He then announced that he is working Christmas and when did the kids want to open presents…very early or wait until afternoon when he finishes…he wanted everyone to say wait until afternoon…but he just got angry when they were suggesting getting up really early to open gifts. He left for a short period to drop a car off and the kids said, "Why did he even ask? It was obvious what he wanted". I sometimes don't understand him…except that he never likes to make decisions…he wants to go along with a decision…I am not sure if that is a way of deflecting responsibility or just indecisivness. Anyway, he left and I told them they have to sleep in and wait to open gifts…they're agreeable.
I am very excited about our new grandniece…
but my daughter relayed her parents Facebook battle over her name.
It makes me sad that chronological adults are acting like adolescents, especially when it comes to an innocent, perfect baby. I hate it when babies become pawns.
I am starting my orientation at the counseling center on Monday. I start seeing clients after the first of the year. I am starting 2 days a week and then expanding my hours as the client load increases. I am really excited…but nervous…the 'what if's' are starting to play in my brain…It will all work out…I am good with people and helping them to see different aspects of issues. I just need to get my feet wet.
My semester is officially over. I gave a final, graded them and uploaded the final grades today. It feels good to finish a task. Now I have to start looking over next semester's curriculum.
I have to get back to the family. I have a busy week/weekend…I am seeing Hamlet tomorrow at daughter#2's high school. Saturday night I am going to a Tony Bennet christmas concert with husband. And then Sunday we are taking daughter#2 into NYC for a show…one of her Christmas presents. I am going to be exhausted after this weekend…but it will all be good. So that wet, sloppy weather will meet us as we walk around Manhattan.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It's funny…I have such mixed feelings tonight about holidays, and babies, and kids.
I am really excited that my kids are all under one roof, we decorated the tree…although my older son refused to participate…he just laid on the couch and watched…I don't really know how to make him feel a part of everything…so I make sure he knows he's welcomed and encouraged to be a part of everything…sometimes even forcing him to be present…I just don't want him to ever look back and think he wasn't wanted.
I am feeling pressure from husband for some unknown reason…he is coming home stressed and subtly angry…but not really able to express his frustration. We've been talking. He's been stressed about a co-worker/employee who is ill…but he doesn't think that's the problem. Tonight he was trying to push everyone to decorate and then he ended up n the phone for an extended period of time with the cable company and DISH network…I just don't get it. He then announced that he is working Christmas and when did the kids want to open presents…very early or wait until afternoon when he finishes…he wanted everyone to say wait until afternoon…but he just got angry when they were suggesting getting up really early to open gifts. He left for a short period to drop a car off and the kids said, "Why did he even ask? It was obvious what he wanted". I sometimes don't understand him…except that he never likes to make decisions…he wants to go along with a decision…I am not sure if that is a way of deflecting responsibility or just indecisivness. Anyway, he left and I told them they have to sleep in and wait to open gifts…they're agreeable.
I am very excited about our new grandniece…
but my daughter relayed her parents Facebook battle over her name.
It makes me sad that chronological adults are acting like adolescents, especially when it comes to an innocent, perfect baby. I hate it when babies become pawns.
I am starting my orientation at the counseling center on Monday. I start seeing clients after the first of the year. I am starting 2 days a week and then expanding my hours as the client load increases. I am really excited…but nervous…the 'what if's' are starting to play in my brain…It will all work out…I am good with people and helping them to see different aspects of issues. I just need to get my feet wet.
My semester is officially over. I gave a final, graded them and uploaded the final grades today. It feels good to finish a task. Now I have to start looking over next semester's curriculum.
I have to get back to the family. I have a busy week/weekend…I am seeing Hamlet tomorrow at daughter#2's high school. Saturday night I am going to a Tony Bennet christmas concert with husband. And then Sunday we are taking daughter#2 into NYC for a show…one of her Christmas presents. I am going to be exhausted after this weekend…but it will all be good. So that wet, sloppy weather will meet us as we walk around Manhattan.
Love and Light,
Maggie
The news!
While our niece was having a baby last weekend, one of my kids was eloping. I was watching the kids, to free them for this! I find I am of two minds. First, I am happy about this affirmation. I love them both and I love them together. So I am happy that they have committed to be a family, and to the family. But I am also disappointed. I thought they would stand up against the system and say no to patriarchy...but it was more practical to just get married. Besides, they have a son and a house, and they have full custody of her daughter. They are a family.
Oh well, it makes it easier to define who everyone is...She is now my daughter-in-law.
We had beautiful lofty snow flakes falling from a very still sky today. It was beautiful and Christmassy. But - the forecast calls for warmer temps, with lots of rain. I think were up for a muddy Christmas.
My youngest is living with his girlfriend, and they are beginning to establish their patterns as a family. I don;t think they will be here for Christmas Eve. Nor will the newlyweds who are hammered getting everything ready for Santa and a family brunch. Things are changing again.
Hope all is well with you. Love from...
Clare
Oh well, it makes it easier to define who everyone is...She is now my daughter-in-law.
We had beautiful lofty snow flakes falling from a very still sky today. It was beautiful and Christmassy. But - the forecast calls for warmer temps, with lots of rain. I think were up for a muddy Christmas.
My youngest is living with his girlfriend, and they are beginning to establish their patterns as a family. I don;t think they will be here for Christmas Eve. Nor will the newlyweds who are hammered getting everything ready for Santa and a family brunch. Things are changing again.
Hope all is well with you. Love from...
Clare
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Maybe a fave
I listened to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Canon today. I may like it. I will listen again, but this may be the carol I choose this year, although it is not a carol. Are you familiar with the Roche Sisters? These three women can do the whole Hallelujah Chorus together. Today when I was listening to the Christmas Canon, I was fantasizing about singing it with you and S#3.
The older I get, the less I believe in evil. Just as I believe that humans are good and kind and intelligent, unless being violated destroys humanity, I think the same is true for other - energies and beings. If we know how to interpret, to understand, evil disappears. I refuse to watch or listen to anything that creates fear, because that feeds the part of self that maintains evil.
Am I making any sense at all???
The friend you counseled is much like our youngest sisters. They don't understand. But then it goes a little deeper - they don't want to understand. They are afraid to leave the comfort zone where we are a happy, normal family. I hope your friend leaves the comfort zone. It is uncomfortable, but it leads to life...
I remember when I was younger, I felt stressed, pressured, agonized, excited about the coming of Christmas. Then something happened. I'm not sure what. A memory just sprang to mind. One year I really wanted an Appalachian dulcimer for Christmas...It was actually a couple of years...I talked to my then-husband about it. There were even some low cost kits I thought we could work on. He is a talented woodworker. I think I got jeans. Mom called and asked me if I got what I wanted for Christmas. I said, childishly, "I never get what I want." Unfortunately my ex overheard, and it hurt his feelings. Something changed, probably then. I stopped being so childish but I also stopped having expectations - especially for myself. Now I really don't get too excited as Christmas approaches. I get done as much as I get done and then get through the day. But, trying to be authentic, I think there are things I wished I had time to do, and I stuff those down, and ignore them instead of feeling bad. I am not feeling the bad, so I am missing the good.
I think this will be a big part of being authentic. Recognizing the trade-offs I create in order to stay placid.
I'm working between Christmas and New Years, and I don't have a car. I will not be at the family gathering. I did mention it to my young'uns, but I don't think anyone will make it. I think we are all working.
Hi ho, hi ho...and with love...
Clare
The older I get, the less I believe in evil. Just as I believe that humans are good and kind and intelligent, unless being violated destroys humanity, I think the same is true for other - energies and beings. If we know how to interpret, to understand, evil disappears. I refuse to watch or listen to anything that creates fear, because that feeds the part of self that maintains evil.
Am I making any sense at all???
The friend you counseled is much like our youngest sisters. They don't understand. But then it goes a little deeper - they don't want to understand. They are afraid to leave the comfort zone where we are a happy, normal family. I hope your friend leaves the comfort zone. It is uncomfortable, but it leads to life...
I remember when I was younger, I felt stressed, pressured, agonized, excited about the coming of Christmas. Then something happened. I'm not sure what. A memory just sprang to mind. One year I really wanted an Appalachian dulcimer for Christmas...It was actually a couple of years...I talked to my then-husband about it. There were even some low cost kits I thought we could work on. He is a talented woodworker. I think I got jeans. Mom called and asked me if I got what I wanted for Christmas. I said, childishly, "I never get what I want." Unfortunately my ex overheard, and it hurt his feelings. Something changed, probably then. I stopped being so childish but I also stopped having expectations - especially for myself. Now I really don't get too excited as Christmas approaches. I get done as much as I get done and then get through the day. But, trying to be authentic, I think there are things I wished I had time to do, and I stuff those down, and ignore them instead of feeling bad. I am not feeling the bad, so I am missing the good.
I think this will be a big part of being authentic. Recognizing the trade-offs I create in order to stay placid.
I'm working between Christmas and New Years, and I don't have a car. I will not be at the family gathering. I did mention it to my young'uns, but I don't think anyone will make it. I think we are all working.
Hi ho, hi ho...and with love...
Clare
Peace and balance
The snow is beautiful. We have about 8 inches on the ground, having steady snow all day today to add to Saturday's accumulation.
The boys had a 2 hour delay…our favorite.
I was up at 4:30 with a cat throwing up on my comforter…
and the hall…
and the stairs.
I cleaned it all up and went back to sleep until 6:15…
taking advantage of the delay.
I had a session with my Reiki healer today…
she is so kind…and insightful.
We talked about angels/demons/and other forms of energy 'beings'…
She said things that are making me re-conceptualize my vision of the universe.
Like there really are evil forces at work in the universe…
I have come to believe that things that seem evil to our understanding may have a higher purpose that we can't comprehend…
kind of like our suffering discussion…
is it necessary or not?
At the beginning of the session she asked about me dreams…
I told her that I was not remembering content, but that there were a lot of people and they were generally upbeat.
At the very end of the session we were talking…
and she was talking about completing tasks that I've started…
it was deja vu…
I started to laugh and she looked puzzled…
I told her that I must be dreaming at night because I had already had this conversation with her…
I guess I should follow that directive…
finish up the projects that I have started.
I said 'no' to a request yesterday…
I decided to take this authenticity challenge seriously.
A Friend/friend asked me to go to a weekend clerking workshop…
as much as I would love to spend a weekend with this woman and at Pendle Hill…
I just have no interest in a clerking workshop.
I let the request sit with me for 24 hours or so and just could not get excited about it.
So I politely declined the invitation.
I actually thought about my needs and interests and how this would impact my goals…
I am OK with the 'no'.
I ate like crap today…but that is something to work on tomorrow.
A friend called me the other night…and then spoke with me today…
about her sister, who is depressed, and threatening suicide, and to hurt her siblings.
My friend can't understand why her sister is so upset…
they all had the same upbringing.
I listened and then told her that perhaps her sister's past had more to it than hers did…
perhaps she was sexually abused.
I shared my experiences …
one of 9 kids…
two of whom were sexually abused (that we know of)…
and some of our siblings' reactions…
it fits, there are many pieces that she shared that fit.
I told her that perhaps she could find a gentle way to ask her if there was something deeper than the physical abuse/discipline they all received at the hands of their parents…
if she asks her sister might just share.
Christmas Eve is a week away…
and I don't feel pressure or anxiety…
I don't have a lot of stuff, but have thoughtfully bought presents for each person…
it feels settled…
it feels good.
We are spending an afternoon with husband's family after Christmas...
of course it is the same day as the Delana Clan gathering.
Part of me is sad to miss it, I feel stronger and more ready to take on the clan…
but, at the same time, I like my peace of mind and balance.
The boys had a 2 hour delay…our favorite.
I was up at 4:30 with a cat throwing up on my comforter…
and the hall…
and the stairs.
I cleaned it all up and went back to sleep until 6:15…
taking advantage of the delay.
I had a session with my Reiki healer today…
she is so kind…and insightful.
We talked about angels/demons/and other forms of energy 'beings'…
She said things that are making me re-conceptualize my vision of the universe.
Like there really are evil forces at work in the universe…
I have come to believe that things that seem evil to our understanding may have a higher purpose that we can't comprehend…
kind of like our suffering discussion…
is it necessary or not?
At the beginning of the session she asked about me dreams…
I told her that I was not remembering content, but that there were a lot of people and they were generally upbeat.
At the very end of the session we were talking…
and she was talking about completing tasks that I've started…
it was deja vu…
I started to laugh and she looked puzzled…
I told her that I must be dreaming at night because I had already had this conversation with her…
I guess I should follow that directive…
finish up the projects that I have started.
I said 'no' to a request yesterday…
I decided to take this authenticity challenge seriously.
A Friend/friend asked me to go to a weekend clerking workshop…
as much as I would love to spend a weekend with this woman and at Pendle Hill…
I just have no interest in a clerking workshop.
I let the request sit with me for 24 hours or so and just could not get excited about it.
So I politely declined the invitation.
I actually thought about my needs and interests and how this would impact my goals…
I am OK with the 'no'.
I ate like crap today…but that is something to work on tomorrow.
A friend called me the other night…and then spoke with me today…
about her sister, who is depressed, and threatening suicide, and to hurt her siblings.
My friend can't understand why her sister is so upset…
they all had the same upbringing.
I listened and then told her that perhaps her sister's past had more to it than hers did…
perhaps she was sexually abused.
I shared my experiences …
one of 9 kids…
two of whom were sexually abused (that we know of)…
and some of our siblings' reactions…
it fits, there are many pieces that she shared that fit.
I told her that perhaps she could find a gentle way to ask her if there was something deeper than the physical abuse/discipline they all received at the hands of their parents…
if she asks her sister might just share.
Christmas Eve is a week away…
and I don't feel pressure or anxiety…
I don't have a lot of stuff, but have thoughtfully bought presents for each person…
it feels settled…
it feels good.
We are spending an afternoon with husband's family after Christmas...
of course it is the same day as the Delana Clan gathering.
Part of me is sad to miss it, I feel stronger and more ready to take on the clan…
but, at the same time, I like my peace of mind and balance.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Authentically...
I will hold your friends in the Light. As you said, both are survivable, but sometimes it seems overwhelming, almost unfair, when two hit at once.
You did an excellent job of identifying some aspects of living an authentic life. You went deeper faster than I did. I have to think about what you discerned, then add myself to the list. Besides eating real foods, which I cooked myself using new techniques and recipes to impress myself, I think I have to spend as much time outside as possible. That is authentic and when I am most authentic.
I have also been thinking of myself as a healer. That will take a bit more time to describe and accept, but it's an authentic part of who I am, of my gifts.
The ones on your list that will be hard for me include saying No when something is too much for me. I saw a quote recently that something to the effect that we need to know the difference between boundaries and walls. I need to think about my boundaries, because I seem to have too much or not enough. I need to find - just enough! I do the resentment thing, too. That's when my inner martyr is leaking toxic radiation into my life. Gotta stop that!
Accepting me, and knocking off the woulda, shoulda, coulda regret-full life.
Putting an end to the distractions. That will be hard. I have a feeling that will be part of this process of peeling back the layers. As soon as something is cleared up, there's another layer to uncover and remove.
Still not ready for Christmas here. Oh well, what do we really need? Not much. Nothing really. Everything else is a gift...
Tonight is like the beautifully descriptive line in Twas The Night Before Christmas...
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below...
-Clement Moore
I love it when poetry lives...and on this poetic night, I send love and hugs and best wishes for sweet, sweet dreams,
Clare
You did an excellent job of identifying some aspects of living an authentic life. You went deeper faster than I did. I have to think about what you discerned, then add myself to the list. Besides eating real foods, which I cooked myself using new techniques and recipes to impress myself, I think I have to spend as much time outside as possible. That is authentic and when I am most authentic.
I have also been thinking of myself as a healer. That will take a bit more time to describe and accept, but it's an authentic part of who I am, of my gifts.
The ones on your list that will be hard for me include saying No when something is too much for me. I saw a quote recently that something to the effect that we need to know the difference between boundaries and walls. I need to think about my boundaries, because I seem to have too much or not enough. I need to find - just enough! I do the resentment thing, too. That's when my inner martyr is leaking toxic radiation into my life. Gotta stop that!
Accepting me, and knocking off the woulda, shoulda, coulda regret-full life.
Putting an end to the distractions. That will be hard. I have a feeling that will be part of this process of peeling back the layers. As soon as something is cleared up, there's another layer to uncover and remove.
Still not ready for Christmas here. Oh well, what do we really need? Not much. Nothing really. Everything else is a gift...
Tonight is like the beautifully descriptive line in Twas The Night Before Christmas...
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below...
-Clement Moore
Clare
Authenticity
I do think that my friend's family is suffering because of the demands of military life…and mid-life…neither is easy to maneuver through…but with support both are survivable.
I like the resolution to an authentic life.
What would that look like?
Eating as close to raw as possible.
Making conscious choices based upon what is best for you as an individual.
Discarding the excess to pare life down to the basics.
Deciding if our activities serve our greatest purpose.
Making our bodies and minds as healthy as possible.
Taking time and expending energy to really communicate with people.
Saying 'No' when we mean no…no more empty commitments or promises and then begrudgingly fulfilling them.
Accepting me…and this life…as it is…no more 'should've, could've, would've'.
Loving as honestly as I am able to.
Feeling emotions wash over me, instead of running as fast as I can to avoid them.
Putting an end to the distractions and chaos that keep me from finishing projects and fulfilling goals.
Opening to the Divine.
That sounds like a pretty good life. Maybe I will make a resolution of authenticity as well.
I got complimented on one of my articles today…I was afraid no one was reading them. My blog has zero followers…but I am hoping that someone will actually begin to read them and then pass them along. Until then I am working on my writing skills, editing out the extra and keeping it active..
Daughter #2 is home for the Holidays…although she will come and go for a play that she is stage managing. Daughter #1 will be home Wednesday evening and then we will decorate our tree. It is coming fast…
Love and Light in these short, short days,
Maggie
I like the resolution to an authentic life.
What would that look like?
Eating as close to raw as possible.
Making conscious choices based upon what is best for you as an individual.
Discarding the excess to pare life down to the basics.
Deciding if our activities serve our greatest purpose.
Making our bodies and minds as healthy as possible.
Taking time and expending energy to really communicate with people.
Saying 'No' when we mean no…no more empty commitments or promises and then begrudgingly fulfilling them.
Accepting me…and this life…as it is…no more 'should've, could've, would've'.
Loving as honestly as I am able to.
Feeling emotions wash over me, instead of running as fast as I can to avoid them.
Putting an end to the distractions and chaos that keep me from finishing projects and fulfilling goals.
Opening to the Divine.
That sounds like a pretty good life. Maybe I will make a resolution of authenticity as well.
I got complimented on one of my articles today…I was afraid no one was reading them. My blog has zero followers…but I am hoping that someone will actually begin to read them and then pass them along. Until then I am working on my writing skills, editing out the extra and keeping it active..
Daughter #2 is home for the Holidays…although she will come and go for a play that she is stage managing. Daughter #1 will be home Wednesday evening and then we will decorate our tree. It is coming fast…
Love and Light in these short, short days,
Maggie
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Miracles?
Just one other thing to think about - if your friend's husband is just home from Afghanistan, there are a lot of issues for him. After doing some work with vets, and hearing some stories, after seeing the way they are treated by the government and our society - I think that may be the first issue. It is not easy. We know that from growing up. I remember the year after Dad got home from Viet Nam. One of the all-time worst years of my life. We hurt our soldiers and neglect our vets so much.
Life is always a balance of good and bad...of sweet and of struggle. Sometimes it is more obvious than at other times.
Your post talked of a careful dash to Bethlehem and the birth of new babies. It is truly a Christmas story!
I often sing to the garden. Or I sing in the garden. It feels right. I also sing to the babies. Still can't think of my favorite carol, though. I am sure it will come. Still don't have five things I love about Christmas,
Still thinking about our processed lives. Thinking about virtual connections to others. Thinking about having electronics or myths intruding in reality, into real touch. I was wondering if the Christmas story intruded on our celebration of this time of year. The main story is of Santa Clause bringing you lots of stuff if you are good. Not so much if you are not as worthy. Something worthless if you are bad or unworthy. Not connected at all to the story of a birth of a baby in a barn when everyone had to go be counted and taxed. Maybe at this time of year, but probably not. Somehow the stories are clung to equally, and sort of woven together..
My grandson told me he has to be good, for Santa. Sort of letting us know we are never loved unconditionally by anyone at any point in our lives.
I have been thinking about my marriage. Why did I give up? That was not unconditional love, on either of our parts.
Maybe this is why Christmas movies are romantic and why people who are uncoupled feel so lost at this time of year. Christmas brings joy to those who are good. If we are not good, no gifts and no partner. We get absolutely nothing.
Of course, we get family and chocolate and sweet memories - but none of that counts in the current myth,
I guess this is what I keep coming back to. What are we celebrating? What do we believe?
Am I harping? I apologize. I am really trying to figure this out, to find my way through this time of year. To find my way to authentic.
Maybe my resolution should be to live authentically. That would explain/include the real, whole, slow foods. But other than that, I'm not sure what it means. I know that my existence is rather reaction oriented. I am constantly reacting to what is thrown at me, which means I never quite choose my direction. I never have the slack to decide, or to evaluate and choose a direction. I just keep bailing.
Sort of an up and down mood. I think I am trapped in realism when I want to leap into magic Christmas beliefs. I do believe in miracles, after all.
I love you!
Clare
Life is always a balance of good and bad...of sweet and of struggle. Sometimes it is more obvious than at other times.
Your post talked of a careful dash to Bethlehem and the birth of new babies. It is truly a Christmas story!
I often sing to the garden. Or I sing in the garden. It feels right. I also sing to the babies. Still can't think of my favorite carol, though. I am sure it will come. Still don't have five things I love about Christmas,
Still thinking about our processed lives. Thinking about virtual connections to others. Thinking about having electronics or myths intruding in reality, into real touch. I was wondering if the Christmas story intruded on our celebration of this time of year. The main story is of Santa Clause bringing you lots of stuff if you are good. Not so much if you are not as worthy. Something worthless if you are bad or unworthy. Not connected at all to the story of a birth of a baby in a barn when everyone had to go be counted and taxed. Maybe at this time of year, but probably not. Somehow the stories are clung to equally, and sort of woven together..
My grandson told me he has to be good, for Santa. Sort of letting us know we are never loved unconditionally by anyone at any point in our lives.
I have been thinking about my marriage. Why did I give up? That was not unconditional love, on either of our parts.
Maybe this is why Christmas movies are romantic and why people who are uncoupled feel so lost at this time of year. Christmas brings joy to those who are good. If we are not good, no gifts and no partner. We get absolutely nothing.
Of course, we get family and chocolate and sweet memories - but none of that counts in the current myth,
I guess this is what I keep coming back to. What are we celebrating? What do we believe?
Am I harping? I apologize. I am really trying to figure this out, to find my way through this time of year. To find my way to authentic.
Maybe my resolution should be to live authentically. That would explain/include the real, whole, slow foods. But other than that, I'm not sure what it means. I know that my existence is rather reaction oriented. I am constantly reacting to what is thrown at me, which means I never quite choose my direction. I never have the slack to decide, or to evaluate and choose a direction. I just keep bailing.
Sort of an up and down mood. I think I am trapped in realism when I want to leap into magic Christmas beliefs. I do believe in miracles, after all.
I love you!
Clare
Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Clare,
What a beautiful weekend you've described.
We, too, got snow, 6 - 8 inches of it. And the house and yard are beautiful. I had to go out in the early parts of the storm yesterday for the Peace Walk. I misread the email and planned on being there at 11:45 for a 12 o'clock start, but it began at 11- so I had to make a careful dash over to Bethlehem. My friend waited for me and we got on the route about 20 minutes late. Then we were talking and went right at a Y when we should have gone left. we figured out that we were off track and cut over to the right route. We caught up to them about 1.5 miles into the walk and then had a great time. We were truly walking in a winter wonderland.
It turns out that Baltimore Yearly Meeting planned the first peace walk back in 1960 and then the local churches/Meeting took it on as one of their peace initiatives. It was great to be a part of a 50+ year tradition. There is one Quaker woman who has done it every year since 1960, there may be more, but I heard people taking about her. It was 27 degrees and it snowed pretty hard the whole walk, but they shortened it to 6 miles because the snow was covering the roads and it was getting dangerous. Next year I hope to do the whole 10 miles...we had a good time…and I never felt cold.
My friend and I talked and caught up for the most part. Her husband recently returned from an Afghanistan deployment and they are struggling…I told her my experiences of separating from husband and how it made so much sense at the time…still does…the reasons were valid and the results are a real marriage…unlike before. So, sometimes we have to dismantle our lives to make room to build a better version.
At Meeting this morning I was thinking of the people that i know who are living with serious issues right now. Our uncle and brother who have bladder cancer, a friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, my friend and her marital issues…and yet there were 2 babies born this weekend…and the joy that brings gives me hope that there is balance in the world.
My favorite carol is O Holy Night…I especially love to sing it in french, its original version. Oh well, no public singing this Christmas. I will just have to sing at home….or the car…or an a walk…
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
What a beautiful weekend you've described.
We, too, got snow, 6 - 8 inches of it. And the house and yard are beautiful. I had to go out in the early parts of the storm yesterday for the Peace Walk. I misread the email and planned on being there at 11:45 for a 12 o'clock start, but it began at 11- so I had to make a careful dash over to Bethlehem. My friend waited for me and we got on the route about 20 minutes late. Then we were talking and went right at a Y when we should have gone left. we figured out that we were off track and cut over to the right route. We caught up to them about 1.5 miles into the walk and then had a great time. We were truly walking in a winter wonderland.
It turns out that Baltimore Yearly Meeting planned the first peace walk back in 1960 and then the local churches/Meeting took it on as one of their peace initiatives. It was great to be a part of a 50+ year tradition. There is one Quaker woman who has done it every year since 1960, there may be more, but I heard people taking about her. It was 27 degrees and it snowed pretty hard the whole walk, but they shortened it to 6 miles because the snow was covering the roads and it was getting dangerous. Next year I hope to do the whole 10 miles...we had a good time…and I never felt cold.
My friend and I talked and caught up for the most part. Her husband recently returned from an Afghanistan deployment and they are struggling…I told her my experiences of separating from husband and how it made so much sense at the time…still does…the reasons were valid and the results are a real marriage…unlike before. So, sometimes we have to dismantle our lives to make room to build a better version.
At Meeting this morning I was thinking of the people that i know who are living with serious issues right now. Our uncle and brother who have bladder cancer, a friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, my friend and her marital issues…and yet there were 2 babies born this weekend…and the joy that brings gives me hope that there is balance in the world.
My favorite carol is O Holy Night…I especially love to sing it in french, its original version. Oh well, no public singing this Christmas. I will just have to sing at home….or the car…or an a walk…
Love and Light until tomorrow,
Maggie
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Not a carol...
We have a new grand-niece as of a few hours ago!
I have been thinking about Christmas carols. I used to humiliate my child because instead of certain religious names, I would sing, Light. In public. One song I do love to listen to every Christmas is John McCutcheon's Christmas in the Trenches. But it's not a Christmas carol.
I always enjoy hearing John and Yoko, So This Is Christmas on the radio. The media tries to be so white pudding, no-messaged, yet they play songs and miss the chorus...War is over if you want it, war is over now.
But it's not exactly a Christmas carol either.
I will keep listening, keep thinking about it.
I know another thing I like about Christmas. I like cooking the same foods each year. Kind of like my appreciation for Thanksgiving!
The wind is howling tonight. But we are all snug. My grandchildren have been here all day. I was told that my little boy woke up, and was ready to head over first thing this morning! I love that they love being here. It fills my heart!
Time for sleep. Hope you are well after an exhausting day in the cold!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I have been thinking about Christmas carols. I used to humiliate my child because instead of certain religious names, I would sing, Light. In public. One song I do love to listen to every Christmas is John McCutcheon's Christmas in the Trenches. But it's not a Christmas carol.
I always enjoy hearing John and Yoko, So This Is Christmas on the radio. The media tries to be so white pudding, no-messaged, yet they play songs and miss the chorus...War is over if you want it, war is over now.
But it's not exactly a Christmas carol either.
I will keep listening, keep thinking about it.
I know another thing I like about Christmas. I like cooking the same foods each year. Kind of like my appreciation for Thanksgiving!
The wind is howling tonight. But we are all snug. My grandchildren have been here all day. I was told that my little boy woke up, and was ready to head over first thing this morning! I love that they love being here. It fills my heart!
Time for sleep. Hope you are well after an exhausting day in the cold!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Processed lives
Good morning Maggie!
It snowed all night. When I woke up, the world was white, there are icicles along the front of the house, there are birds at the feeder. The first thought I had was, "My house decorated itself for Christmas!"
Your students results were interesting. I started thinking that maybe the hardest part is identifying the addictions or addictive behaviors we have...Then dealing with them without going to war with ourselves. There has been so much violence in our lives, that hating ourselves, our habits, parts of ourselves - it's just too much to bear.
The snowstorm wasn't supposed to start until this morning. But it started yesterday afternoon. Actually we got hit from a lake effect, and today we have the larger front coming from the southwest. We had planned to run out to the country market and stock up for the weekend. The roads were so bad, though, we nixed that idea. That mean we had to get groceries from the convenience store here in the village. The choices really made me think about our life in general in the US.
The foods are soft, spongy bread - which I often refer to as intestinal glue - pasta and commercial sauces, ingredients to make nachos, eggs, cheese, canned veggie soups - possibly the only source of vegetables in the stores - except for shredded white lettuce on sandwiches.
Last night for dinner we had canned vegetable soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. It sounded wonderful - like childhood comfort food. But it tasted all wrong. The processed vegetables didn't taste real. Why didn't we know that when we were young? It makes me think about our over-processed, virtual lives. All of the nutrients are processed out and we are left struggling to find something real...
Gotta go and get on with my weekend. I will think warm, warm thoughts of you walking through the snow. I hope you have something profound to share once you thaw out.
Stay warm,
I love you,
Clare
It snowed all night. When I woke up, the world was white, there are icicles along the front of the house, there are birds at the feeder. The first thought I had was, "My house decorated itself for Christmas!"
Your students results were interesting. I started thinking that maybe the hardest part is identifying the addictions or addictive behaviors we have...Then dealing with them without going to war with ourselves. There has been so much violence in our lives, that hating ourselves, our habits, parts of ourselves - it's just too much to bear.
The snowstorm wasn't supposed to start until this morning. But it started yesterday afternoon. Actually we got hit from a lake effect, and today we have the larger front coming from the southwest. We had planned to run out to the country market and stock up for the weekend. The roads were so bad, though, we nixed that idea. That mean we had to get groceries from the convenience store here in the village. The choices really made me think about our life in general in the US.
The foods are soft, spongy bread - which I often refer to as intestinal glue - pasta and commercial sauces, ingredients to make nachos, eggs, cheese, canned veggie soups - possibly the only source of vegetables in the stores - except for shredded white lettuce on sandwiches.
Last night for dinner we had canned vegetable soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. It sounded wonderful - like childhood comfort food. But it tasted all wrong. The processed vegetables didn't taste real. Why didn't we know that when we were young? It makes me think about our over-processed, virtual lives. All of the nutrients are processed out and we are left struggling to find something real...
Gotta go and get on with my weekend. I will think warm, warm thoughts of you walking through the snow. I hope you have something profound to share once you thaw out.
Stay warm,
I love you,
Clare
Friday, December 13, 2013
A winter storm is upon us.
Hello Clare,
My final lecture is finished, projects are handed in, graded, in the grade book…I love checking things off my list. I had several students come to some very interesting conclusions through the project.
One, who had been smoking since they were 9 years old (now 31) quit smoking…
he made the comment that when he signed up for this gen-ed BiSci he didn't realize that it would change his life…that comment makes all of the hassles worthwhile.
Another took on his stress as a project…he was living through a difficult time because he had listened to his 'heart's voice' and went back to school…he opened himself up to a men's group and found relief in sharing his story.
Another broke a heavy 'pepsi' habit and described the incredible struggle she experienced trying to stay away from it…she told me that she had quit smoking a year before and that was easy compared with cola…
There were several who chose meditation and yoga as their healthier habit…they described an inner peace and being able to cope with stress and frustration more easily. It is amazing that people can discover this before they are 20 years old…think about how much further along they will be when they are my age.
It is amazing what one diligent week can do…and yet, how many will continue their new 'habit'? We are so easily pulled back into bad habits…I am not sure why or how that happens.
I finished my stress and disease lectures today. I described all of the health hazards of abuse and neglect…and painted a pretty negative picture. Then I told them that some people are productive and seem to have normal lives despite abuse. I shared with them that I am a survivor…and that my coping strategies included acquiring degrees and working/volunteering at as many activities as I could physically do. What ever takes your mind off the maltreatment is coping. Mine might have looked healthier than substance abuse, or other high risk behaviors…but it was driven by the same need to repress and escape…and I was equally as isolated as those who are 'coping ugly'. It gets easier every time to say that I am a survivor. I don't go into details…I simply say that I survived child abuse/sexual abuse. If anyone asked I would be honest and answer their questions, but so far no one has ever asked.
I also reminded them of the need to see more than the biology of humans and animals…
I reminded them that it is important to consider biology, psychology, sociology and spirituality when considering ourselves and others.
So, tomorrow a winter storm is forecast…calling for up to 10 inches of snow…and I am supposed to be walking 10 miles for Peace. I really hope that I am able to complete this walk. I have wanted to do this for several years, and finally had the courage and initiative to sign up. I have many layers of clothes laid out to keep me warm…I just hope the roads stay drivable.
I will let you know how it all goes…
Love and Light in this season of darkness,
Maggie
My final lecture is finished, projects are handed in, graded, in the grade book…I love checking things off my list. I had several students come to some very interesting conclusions through the project.
One, who had been smoking since they were 9 years old (now 31) quit smoking…
he made the comment that when he signed up for this gen-ed BiSci he didn't realize that it would change his life…that comment makes all of the hassles worthwhile.
Another took on his stress as a project…he was living through a difficult time because he had listened to his 'heart's voice' and went back to school…he opened himself up to a men's group and found relief in sharing his story.
Another broke a heavy 'pepsi' habit and described the incredible struggle she experienced trying to stay away from it…she told me that she had quit smoking a year before and that was easy compared with cola…
There were several who chose meditation and yoga as their healthier habit…they described an inner peace and being able to cope with stress and frustration more easily. It is amazing that people can discover this before they are 20 years old…think about how much further along they will be when they are my age.
It is amazing what one diligent week can do…and yet, how many will continue their new 'habit'? We are so easily pulled back into bad habits…I am not sure why or how that happens.
I finished my stress and disease lectures today. I described all of the health hazards of abuse and neglect…and painted a pretty negative picture. Then I told them that some people are productive and seem to have normal lives despite abuse. I shared with them that I am a survivor…and that my coping strategies included acquiring degrees and working/volunteering at as many activities as I could physically do. What ever takes your mind off the maltreatment is coping. Mine might have looked healthier than substance abuse, or other high risk behaviors…but it was driven by the same need to repress and escape…and I was equally as isolated as those who are 'coping ugly'. It gets easier every time to say that I am a survivor. I don't go into details…I simply say that I survived child abuse/sexual abuse. If anyone asked I would be honest and answer their questions, but so far no one has ever asked.
I also reminded them of the need to see more than the biology of humans and animals…
I reminded them that it is important to consider biology, psychology, sociology and spirituality when considering ourselves and others.
So, tomorrow a winter storm is forecast…calling for up to 10 inches of snow…and I am supposed to be walking 10 miles for Peace. I really hope that I am able to complete this walk. I have wanted to do this for several years, and finally had the courage and initiative to sign up. I have many layers of clothes laid out to keep me warm…I just hope the roads stay drivable.
I will let you know how it all goes…
Love and Light in this season of darkness,
Maggie
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Alligator Mamas
I took a few minutes to read up on the alligator. I had read in the past that 'gator is the symbol of the Great Mother. I learned that after laying eggs, she guard the nest. They babes begin chirping just before they hatch. When she hears them, she carries them to the water. If an egg doesn't hatch, she rolls it in her mouth until it begins opening. She stays nearby and basks with them when they are young.
The piece went on to say that alligators were true loners.
I stopped to think about that. Those of us who have been raised in violent situations tend to be loners. Sometimes the most connected we are is with our young when they are young. Maybe we are alligator mothers. Maybe we did learn our mothering skills in the swamp.
So, I will continue decorating the swamp and maybe dressing up Lulu - in a hoop skirt...
I like your project idea. It makes the students slow down and observe themselves. Next step is to expand awareness and apply learning to other situations!
Still not making a lot of progress on my list of five things I love about Christmas. I am working long days, though. And my grandchildren generously shared the latest bug making the rounds. So I have a sore throat, congestion, swollen glands. Somehow my brain seems oxygen deprived and I can't think as clearly as usual!
I really can't decide what my favorite carol is. Mostly because I don't have a long list to choose from. I have always liked I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. Sometimes I just listen to the jazz music played during the Charlie Brown Christmas.
The little ones will be here again next weekend, I think. We are going to cut snowflakes and make cookies. Maybe I'll remember something else I love about the season.
Reading that your youngest said he loved me evoked a big smile. What exactly prompted that response. And of course - love back!!
Love and hugs to all,
Clare
Just started thinking about writing a children's book about Lulu in the swamp, trying to understand Christmas...
The piece went on to say that alligators were true loners.
I stopped to think about that. Those of us who have been raised in violent situations tend to be loners. Sometimes the most connected we are is with our young when they are young. Maybe we are alligator mothers. Maybe we did learn our mothering skills in the swamp.
So, I will continue decorating the swamp and maybe dressing up Lulu - in a hoop skirt...
I like your project idea. It makes the students slow down and observe themselves. Next step is to expand awareness and apply learning to other situations!
Still not making a lot of progress on my list of five things I love about Christmas. I am working long days, though. And my grandchildren generously shared the latest bug making the rounds. So I have a sore throat, congestion, swollen glands. Somehow my brain seems oxygen deprived and I can't think as clearly as usual!
I really can't decide what my favorite carol is. Mostly because I don't have a long list to choose from. I have always liked I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. Sometimes I just listen to the jazz music played during the Charlie Brown Christmas.
The little ones will be here again next weekend, I think. We are going to cut snowflakes and make cookies. Maybe I'll remember something else I love about the season.
Reading that your youngest said he loved me evoked a big smile. What exactly prompted that response. And of course - love back!!
Love and hugs to all,
Clare
Just started thinking about writing a children's book about Lulu in the swamp, trying to understand Christmas...
Tying up loose ends
I love the thought of decorating the alligator. It's funny when you first mentioned the alligator/mother idea…the first thought that came to mind was Mother Ginger from the Nutcracker…she comes out with a massive hoop skirt from which many children emerge to dance and then hide again at the end of the dance. I am not sure why I put both of them together, but I did.
My youngest says "he loves you".
I visited with friends today…it was really nice to stop in and just talk for about an hour. They are teachers at daughter#2's high school who I worked with for the 4 years she was there. We have visited several times a year since she graduated.
I feel as if I am tying up loose ends as this year comes to a close. I have several phone calls to make tomorrow for things that need to be dealt with before 2014. I had a momentary realization that in 2 weeks I will be 52…that sounds so foreign and difficult to believe…I don't feel that age…not that I know what it 'should' feel like.
I have started to read Entering the Castle by Caroline Myss…it breaks down St. Theresa's analogy of the soul being composed of 7 mansions within the castle. I have started Theresa's book twice before and this book once before and have never gotten past the fourth mansion…it will be interesting to see if I can go further this time.
Tomorrow is my last lecture for the semester…I am talking about child abuse/neglect and health consequences. I also have a final project due from each of the students. They were asked to identify an unhealthy habit (omission or commission), research a healthier alternative and then make a change for 7 days…They have to include research about the habit and the alternative, a journal of the week of change, and a reflection. I love this project…it is great to see how they are empowered to make positive change. Next week I am offering an extra credit final exam…worth enough points to pull them up by 10%/one letter grade if they get them all correct. It is cumulative and long…so only the most motivated will take it…hopefully. Then grades will be submitted and this semester will be history!
Saturday, a friend and I are walking a 10 mile 'Peace' march from Nazareth to Bethlehem. It is an annual event that draws attention to the 'real' meaning of Christmas…"peace on earth, good will to men". The forecast is 25 - 30 degrees with snow throughout the day. We should have fun though, I haven't seen her in months and it will give us plenty of time to catch up. I will let you know how it goes.
I will check in tomorrow…
Love and Light,
Maggie
My youngest says "he loves you".
I visited with friends today…it was really nice to stop in and just talk for about an hour. They are teachers at daughter#2's high school who I worked with for the 4 years she was there. We have visited several times a year since she graduated.
I feel as if I am tying up loose ends as this year comes to a close. I have several phone calls to make tomorrow for things that need to be dealt with before 2014. I had a momentary realization that in 2 weeks I will be 52…that sounds so foreign and difficult to believe…I don't feel that age…not that I know what it 'should' feel like.
I have started to read Entering the Castle by Caroline Myss…it breaks down St. Theresa's analogy of the soul being composed of 7 mansions within the castle. I have started Theresa's book twice before and this book once before and have never gotten past the fourth mansion…it will be interesting to see if I can go further this time.
Tomorrow is my last lecture for the semester…I am talking about child abuse/neglect and health consequences. I also have a final project due from each of the students. They were asked to identify an unhealthy habit (omission or commission), research a healthier alternative and then make a change for 7 days…They have to include research about the habit and the alternative, a journal of the week of change, and a reflection. I love this project…it is great to see how they are empowered to make positive change. Next week I am offering an extra credit final exam…worth enough points to pull them up by 10%/one letter grade if they get them all correct. It is cumulative and long…so only the most motivated will take it…hopefully. Then grades will be submitted and this semester will be history!
Saturday, a friend and I are walking a 10 mile 'Peace' march from Nazareth to Bethlehem. It is an annual event that draws attention to the 'real' meaning of Christmas…"peace on earth, good will to men". The forecast is 25 - 30 degrees with snow throughout the day. We should have fun though, I haven't seen her in months and it will give us plenty of time to catch up. I will let you know how it goes.
I will check in tomorrow…
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Lulu the red-nosed 'gator...
I didn't think the swamp would have a reflective floor, because there is so much murk floating on the surface. It almost seems to be a fake floor. You step on it and you go under and come up spitting out muck. But you are right - if I am thinking about decorating the swamp, I am claiming it and altering it. I never would have considered that truth! Thank you! What I did think, though, when I read your observation is that I am seeing the swamp from a different angle. I was seeing it more as a whole, contained, with a position, and with surroundings. It's something different now. So I guess I will continue decorating.
Maybe I'll put a red nose on the 'gator and write a carol.
I have been thinking about what I love about this time of year. I don't think I am up to five yet, but I'm willing to start and see where it leads.
I love the silence of this time of year. Nature is quieter. People are quieter. When we get together, we are laughing and enjoying each other, soaking in the kid joy, but it's a different energy than the exuberance of the Fourth of July. We are more reflective, more centered. The house feels cozier and more snug. I don't know - it's silent...
I also love the smells of the season. I love having the fragrance of a fresh cut tree. I love the scent of baking cookies, of cinnamon and ginger. I love knowing there soup in the crock pot and herb teas brewing. Some of the scents take me back to baking rye bread in our home and at Grandma's.
I'll keep thinking, and eventually I'll find five things I love about this time of year...
With your boys, trust your instincts. How were the girls at the same age? Have the boys analyzed any of their instant gratification decisions and considered other possible decision/outcome pairs?
What are MMA lessons? Martial arts? Can you find a teacher who teaches self control and never fighting without reason?
I got rid of the TV and never regretted it...
Keep smiling, consider yourself hugged from afar. It is hard work to raise kids. I honor the thought you put into it!
Love from Clare
Maybe I'll put a red nose on the 'gator and write a carol.
I have been thinking about what I love about this time of year. I don't think I am up to five yet, but I'm willing to start and see where it leads.
I love the silence of this time of year. Nature is quieter. People are quieter. When we get together, we are laughing and enjoying each other, soaking in the kid joy, but it's a different energy than the exuberance of the Fourth of July. We are more reflective, more centered. The house feels cozier and more snug. I don't know - it's silent...
I also love the smells of the season. I love having the fragrance of a fresh cut tree. I love the scent of baking cookies, of cinnamon and ginger. I love knowing there soup in the crock pot and herb teas brewing. Some of the scents take me back to baking rye bread in our home and at Grandma's.
I'll keep thinking, and eventually I'll find five things I love about this time of year...
With your boys, trust your instincts. How were the girls at the same age? Have the boys analyzed any of their instant gratification decisions and considered other possible decision/outcome pairs?
What are MMA lessons? Martial arts? Can you find a teacher who teaches self control and never fighting without reason?
I got rid of the TV and never regretted it...
Keep smiling, consider yourself hugged from afar. It is hard work to raise kids. I honor the thought you put into it!
Love from Clare
B*tch session
If we decorate the swamp, I think it would have a reflective floor…
the water would reflect back an unpredictable, but beautiful pattern of lights…
probably very dynamic too if there is a breeze…
it sounds beautiful.
If you are talking about decorating the swamp I think that means you are claiming it and treating it as home…
that's a step towards acceptance and healing…
creating beauty out of the murkiness of the swamp.
I am having an ongoing battle with my boys. It is tiring me out and trying my patience.
Both are trying desperately to grow up, assert their independence…I like that…agree with and understand that.
Both make poor decisions…
instant gratification decisions…
the kind that we regret later.
I try to remain consistent…
and then they accuse me of being too strict and not allowing any fun. I have tried to let them hang out with friends more and now both are doing poorly in school because they don't do their homework…they lie when asked if it's done…
it's just so frustrating…
they have such potential…
but they just want to have fun…
not work or have responsibilities…
not really compatible with a mature life.
My youngest is fighting with me to take MMA lessons…
he thinks it will help him to relieve his aggression…
somehow I think that kicking and punching people will add to his aggression…
I just bought an ATV to get rid of aggression...
not to mention the garbage that he watches on TV. I am so tired of being the "bad guy", but Net-flix has to go.
Sorry I am cranky tonight. I need to go and explain linear equations to my youngest.
Love and Light,
Maggie
the water would reflect back an unpredictable, but beautiful pattern of lights…
probably very dynamic too if there is a breeze…
it sounds beautiful.
If you are talking about decorating the swamp I think that means you are claiming it and treating it as home…
that's a step towards acceptance and healing…
creating beauty out of the murkiness of the swamp.
I am having an ongoing battle with my boys. It is tiring me out and trying my patience.
Both are trying desperately to grow up, assert their independence…I like that…agree with and understand that.
Both make poor decisions…
instant gratification decisions…
the kind that we regret later.
I try to remain consistent…
and then they accuse me of being too strict and not allowing any fun. I have tried to let them hang out with friends more and now both are doing poorly in school because they don't do their homework…they lie when asked if it's done…
it's just so frustrating…
they have such potential…
but they just want to have fun…
not work or have responsibilities…
not really compatible with a mature life.
My youngest is fighting with me to take MMA lessons…
he thinks it will help him to relieve his aggression…
somehow I think that kicking and punching people will add to his aggression…
I just bought an ATV to get rid of aggression...
not to mention the garbage that he watches on TV. I am so tired of being the "bad guy", but Net-flix has to go.
Sorry I am cranky tonight. I need to go and explain linear equations to my youngest.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Swamps and Sugar
Thank you for permission to not love Christmas. I remember when I read, once, I think it was Miss Manners, that I didn't have to answer the phone just because it was ringing. It was such a relief! The other part of the rule, though, is that I can love or hate or have any emotions I want about Christmas, as long as I don't interfere with anyone else's love of the holiday.
I will think about what goes on my list. And I will think about favorite Christmas carols.
Today, though, I had some thoughts I wanted to share. I am becoming more aware of myself, mostly because of the work we are doing here. It's almost like I am outside myself, observing myself, correcting myself, while being myself. I have had to face the fact that I am a sugar addict. I have really been trying to pay attention, to feel it. I notice anxiety. It is followed by the need to eat sugar. I feel the cold, the numbness that sugar brings. I definitely don't taste it. I don't especially like it. But I NEED it...
I know it is causing problems with my health. Yet, I eat just a bit more. It's like the small child inside of me wants the treat. The adult me just doesn't want to feel.
This has been on my mind. I know that if I try to stop and to punish myself, it is almost like setting up an internal competition, an internal war. I am beginning to believe more and more that competition is the root of all problems. Therefore, cooperation is the root of all loving solutions.
Coincidentally, I got my first seed catalog. They are my favorite reading/dreaming material. And somehow, the thought came...my New Years Resolution - become a "foodie". I am going to focus on learning more cooking techniques and using more foods - especially fruits and vegetables. Maybe if I bring a lot of joy and creativity and happiness to food - I won't need sugar. It won't feed me anymore.
Maybe...
Another strange chain of thought. I was wondering what it would look like if I decorated a swamp for Christmas. I was looking at photos of swamps. They all had muted, shadowy lights, and were surrounded by trees. They looked like they had a solid floor, but it was really the covered surface of the water. One had a lump - turned out to be an alligator...the alligator is supposed to be a symbol of motherhood. Is that the kind of mother swamp kids get?? No wonder we're afraid to get out of bed at night. So what if I strung lights over the swamp. They wouldn't reflect on anything. They would just shine...Not sure where I am going with this. I think this is like the I hate Christmas experiment...does it mean anything???
I'm glad you had some sister time last night. I wish I could have been there. I also respect her strength and her strong sense of responsibility. And that, no matter what, she still finds something to laugh about.
I love you, I'll think about Christmas tonight.
Clare
I will think about what goes on my list. And I will think about favorite Christmas carols.
Today, though, I had some thoughts I wanted to share. I am becoming more aware of myself, mostly because of the work we are doing here. It's almost like I am outside myself, observing myself, correcting myself, while being myself. I have had to face the fact that I am a sugar addict. I have really been trying to pay attention, to feel it. I notice anxiety. It is followed by the need to eat sugar. I feel the cold, the numbness that sugar brings. I definitely don't taste it. I don't especially like it. But I NEED it...
I know it is causing problems with my health. Yet, I eat just a bit more. It's like the small child inside of me wants the treat. The adult me just doesn't want to feel.
This has been on my mind. I know that if I try to stop and to punish myself, it is almost like setting up an internal competition, an internal war. I am beginning to believe more and more that competition is the root of all problems. Therefore, cooperation is the root of all loving solutions.
Coincidentally, I got my first seed catalog. They are my favorite reading/dreaming material. And somehow, the thought came...my New Years Resolution - become a "foodie". I am going to focus on learning more cooking techniques and using more foods - especially fruits and vegetables. Maybe if I bring a lot of joy and creativity and happiness to food - I won't need sugar. It won't feed me anymore.
Maybe...
Another strange chain of thought. I was wondering what it would look like if I decorated a swamp for Christmas. I was looking at photos of swamps. They all had muted, shadowy lights, and were surrounded by trees. They looked like they had a solid floor, but it was really the covered surface of the water. One had a lump - turned out to be an alligator...the alligator is supposed to be a symbol of motherhood. Is that the kind of mother swamp kids get?? No wonder we're afraid to get out of bed at night. So what if I strung lights over the swamp. They wouldn't reflect on anything. They would just shine...Not sure where I am going with this. I think this is like the I hate Christmas experiment...does it mean anything???
I'm glad you had some sister time last night. I wish I could have been there. I also respect her strength and her strong sense of responsibility. And that, no matter what, she still finds something to laugh about.
I love you, I'll think about Christmas tonight.
Clare
a different christmas list
It is OK to hate Christmas…
liking it it isn't imperative to a full life.
But, if you do hate it, consider how to change it to make it hold meaning for you. No one can tell you how to celebrate it or what to believe.
Let's make a list of 5 things that you really like about it…and then build on those.
OK for me this is the list that comes to mind easily:
1. family and friends
2. giving and receiving
3. music- although traditional carols are making me consider my faith this year
4. decorating the tree and house
5. spending time considering what others want/need
I guess the theme of my list is about stepping away from my routine and thinking about life, and others and creating a special time.
Maybe it is that simple.
I had dinner with S#3 last evening. It was a good visit. She talked a lot about her upcoming grandchild's birth. Sometimes I wonder how I would handle the load she carries…she does so with grace and mostly acceptance of what comes her way. We talked and laughed…it was nice.
I am listening to a Quaker CD of quotes put to music…I love this
Our life is love
Our life is peace
Our life is tenderness
And bearing with each other
and forgiving one another
and not laying accusations one against another
but praying for each other
and helping each other up with a tender hand.
Maybe this will be my new, favorite Christmas carol.
Love and Light,
Maggie
liking it it isn't imperative to a full life.
But, if you do hate it, consider how to change it to make it hold meaning for you. No one can tell you how to celebrate it or what to believe.
Let's make a list of 5 things that you really like about it…and then build on those.
OK for me this is the list that comes to mind easily:
1. family and friends
2. giving and receiving
3. music- although traditional carols are making me consider my faith this year
4. decorating the tree and house
5. spending time considering what others want/need
I guess the theme of my list is about stepping away from my routine and thinking about life, and others and creating a special time.
Maybe it is that simple.
I had dinner with S#3 last evening. It was a good visit. She talked a lot about her upcoming grandchild's birth. Sometimes I wonder how I would handle the load she carries…she does so with grace and mostly acceptance of what comes her way. We talked and laughed…it was nice.
I am listening to a Quaker CD of quotes put to music…I love this
Our life is love
Our life is peace
Our life is tenderness
And bearing with each other
and forgiving one another
and not laying accusations one against another
but praying for each other
and helping each other up with a tender hand.
Maybe this will be my new, favorite Christmas carol.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, December 9, 2013
Do I hate Christmas?
Oh Honey, no offense, but that is too, too funny. In all of my years, it never, ever entered my mind that not only were we allowing a stranger to enter our home, but we were inviting him to break in. And not only that, but it was a man with a list of all of our sins for the year. And only if we passed his approval would we be worthy to receive gifts. Thinking about it this way makes Christmas even a bit more bizarre!
I am trying to make memories with my grandchildren. (Last night, opened for one night only, dinner was served at Mima's Diner. We had a seating host and a waitress.) But what is better is that when the kids are here, I step out of myself. I am only with them, attentive to them. I leave all of my inner drama behind and play with them. Sometimes I wonder how they see me. Sometimes I feel a little judgmental and bossy. But, they always want to come here, so basically I am good.
I had my annual Christmas breakdown today. I cried because...I don't know...because Christmas is going to be disappointing again this year. I'm not prepared, I have no way of getting prepared. I am already on track to just get through it. I don't talk about this to anyone, except here undercover with you. But today I was wondering if we are still behaving like victims when we don't share our thoughts our feelings of persecution with anyone. Maybe I am a closet victim, but that means my victimy self is leaking...
Why does everything feel so much more intense at this time of year? I read a quote recently that said our thoughts and feelings are always more intense at night, in the dark. Maybe this time of year does the same thing to us.
I want to try something... I hate Christmas...Hmmm...I HATE CHRISTMAS! I am saying it aloud. I can't tell if I believe myself or not. I HATE LIFE...no, that makes me cry. I don't hate life...But maybe I hate Christmas. Maybe I do, but maybe I want to love it. Maybe I hate myself but I want to love me. Okay, that sparks huge emotion. I know all of our baggage is connected. It's like there a roll of toilet paper flowing through everything, caught in all the zippers...
I was looking at Christmas photos, and I love the darkened rooms with lights. That makes me feel cozy and I want that. I think maybe I am caught in the whole, if you're good you get good things, but if you are bad - nothing for you...the child in me is still sad at this time of year.
Need to figure out how to use that toilet paper to clean up the swamp!!
I love you...
Clare
I am trying to make memories with my grandchildren. (Last night, opened for one night only, dinner was served at Mima's Diner. We had a seating host and a waitress.) But what is better is that when the kids are here, I step out of myself. I am only with them, attentive to them. I leave all of my inner drama behind and play with them. Sometimes I wonder how they see me. Sometimes I feel a little judgmental and bossy. But, they always want to come here, so basically I am good.
I had my annual Christmas breakdown today. I cried because...I don't know...because Christmas is going to be disappointing again this year. I'm not prepared, I have no way of getting prepared. I am already on track to just get through it. I don't talk about this to anyone, except here undercover with you. But today I was wondering if we are still behaving like victims when we don't share our thoughts our feelings of persecution with anyone. Maybe I am a closet victim, but that means my victimy self is leaking...
Why does everything feel so much more intense at this time of year? I read a quote recently that said our thoughts and feelings are always more intense at night, in the dark. Maybe this time of year does the same thing to us.
I want to try something... I hate Christmas...Hmmm...I HATE CHRISTMAS! I am saying it aloud. I can't tell if I believe myself or not. I HATE LIFE...no, that makes me cry. I don't hate life...But maybe I hate Christmas. Maybe I do, but maybe I want to love it. Maybe I hate myself but I want to love me. Okay, that sparks huge emotion. I know all of our baggage is connected. It's like there a roll of toilet paper flowing through everything, caught in all the zippers...
I was looking at Christmas photos, and I love the darkened rooms with lights. That makes me feel cozy and I want that. I think maybe I am caught in the whole, if you're good you get good things, but if you are bad - nothing for you...the child in me is still sad at this time of year.
Need to figure out how to use that toilet paper to clean up the swamp!!
I love you...
Clare
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Wintery day
I like you description of your weekend, grandchildren and family gathered…sharing time…creating cookies and memories.
I just asked my older son if he recalled when he learned that Santa was not real…he cannot remember…but said it was a relief because he used to worry about a strange man entering our house in the middle of the night…I think my neurotic fears must have seeped into my kids' minds.
I am enjoying a wintery day…snow outside and nowhere to go. I made pancakes for dinner…my boys were thrilled…one like chocolate chip pancakes the other likes pancakes and bacon…both were quite satisfied. That was probably the best meal we've shared in a long time…everyone ate well.
Last night was tough…as I went to bed I realized I hadn't heard from daughter#2 all day…she was not answering text messages or phone calls…of course my imagination was running at full speed. I couldn't sleep…about 1:30 my dog had a seizure…I was not soundly sleeping so I jumped up to sit with her through it. As she came out of it she was so grateful that she wagged her tail…which was urine soaked from the incontinence…I ended up with a face full of urine and had to wash my face…and her…and the floor. I finally settled back into bed and daughter #2 texted that her phone battery had died and she was fine…it was 2:30 at that point, but at least I could sleep after that. I know everyone has times when they anticipate the worst…but rationally I knew she was OK…but the irrational part kept my imagination rolling through a variety of possible scenarios…all of which were disturbing.
I am ready for bed tonight…hopefully the boys will head up soon…they are acting tired. I am also hoping for a 2 hour delay in the morning for both the high school and the university…then we can all get a few extra hours of sleep. I love snow days…unexpected days off are such a gift.
I had to tell people at my Meeting that I would not be there for the Christmas Tea this year…we share our gifts before Meeting for Worship and then share food afterward. I have sung something each year since I first attended…I was pleasantly surprised when people expressed disappointment that I wouldn't be singing…I guess they do notice what I do….sometimes I think I am invisible.
Stay warm…and peaceful.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I just asked my older son if he recalled when he learned that Santa was not real…he cannot remember…but said it was a relief because he used to worry about a strange man entering our house in the middle of the night…I think my neurotic fears must have seeped into my kids' minds.
I am enjoying a wintery day…snow outside and nowhere to go. I made pancakes for dinner…my boys were thrilled…one like chocolate chip pancakes the other likes pancakes and bacon…both were quite satisfied. That was probably the best meal we've shared in a long time…everyone ate well.
Last night was tough…as I went to bed I realized I hadn't heard from daughter#2 all day…she was not answering text messages or phone calls…of course my imagination was running at full speed. I couldn't sleep…about 1:30 my dog had a seizure…I was not soundly sleeping so I jumped up to sit with her through it. As she came out of it she was so grateful that she wagged her tail…which was urine soaked from the incontinence…I ended up with a face full of urine and had to wash my face…and her…and the floor. I finally settled back into bed and daughter #2 texted that her phone battery had died and she was fine…it was 2:30 at that point, but at least I could sleep after that. I know everyone has times when they anticipate the worst…but rationally I knew she was OK…but the irrational part kept my imagination rolling through a variety of possible scenarios…all of which were disturbing.
I am ready for bed tonight…hopefully the boys will head up soon…they are acting tired. I am also hoping for a 2 hour delay in the morning for both the high school and the university…then we can all get a few extra hours of sleep. I love snow days…unexpected days off are such a gift.
I had to tell people at my Meeting that I would not be there for the Christmas Tea this year…we share our gifts before Meeting for Worship and then share food afterward. I have sung something each year since I first attended…I was pleasantly surprised when people expressed disappointment that I wouldn't be singing…I guess they do notice what I do….sometimes I think I am invisible.
Stay warm…and peaceful.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Do you believe in Santa?
Ah, Grasshopper, you are wise...maybe I am the grasshopper. We need to look for Christmas within our hearts - which is true. I looked inside and realized, Christmas really isn't in my heart. There is nothing authentic in the day, which makes it hard to truly celebrate. I go through the motions, waiting for Christmas magic. Maybe Christmas is like falling in love or getting a new job. Everyone else seems so happy and content - we wonder what is wrong with us and our relationships. Maybe it's like the alcoholic pattern of looking good, in order to hide the fact that it's not. Maybe we're all covering.
What's really cool is that you are defending Christmas!
But I feel adrift, trying to find the meaning for me. Every culture celebrates the solstice, in some way. The end of the dark, in December, and the coming of the darker times, in June, are important. There is something human about feeling that connection. I think maybe all the hype, the songs, the movies - it draws us away from connection. We don't feel connected to the Earth, or so often - to each other. And so we look at what we're supposed to do, and try to fit in, and just get through it!
My daughter is torn between making a perfect Christmas for her baby, and - no playing Christmas carols! We talked about: There's No Such Thing As a Perfect Christmas. (Every mother should explain this to their children...the true facts of life!) But, now is time to think about which traditions are important to her, to establish in her family.
This weekend, we are making gingerbread houses. I have the local grandkids here - which of course leaves a hole where I wish the other two were with me, also. I had forgotten how bad an idea mixing sugar and three-year-olds can be. Somehow, yesterday, Emmy got frosted. She was green and sweet!
You mentioned discovering Santa was not real, and what that meant to you. I found out when we lived on that last army base. I was looking for something - I think it snowed and we wanted to sled, and I found everything. I made a mental list, and compared to Christmas morning. Yep, everything had been there before Christmas. For me, it was an "aha" moment. But what changed in me was the realization that we are all Santa. We all have the privilege and joy of giving things to people without expecting acknowledgement and thanks. And that, in a way, it was even cooler when the recipient didn't know. It made life more magic.
As I said, I never taught my kids about Santa. And when they each asked me if Santa was real I said, "Either you believe in the magic or you don't." When they no longer believed in that myth, I taught them that now they were Santa. They had to find secret ways to make people happy. I caught my middle child going down the street once, with a pocketful of dimes, feeding the parking meters. There's Santa!
Another day of gingerbread and candy and sappy movies. I made an executive decision that we will decorate each wall, and store them for the trip to their house, and to be kept in the fridge here. Then we will assemble them at Christmastime. The kids will help me make dinner, and we'll all eat together tonight, with their parents, before they go home. My granddaughter likes to post the menu on the chalkboard.
It's early-morning-quiet, but if I know my grandson, it will be over soon. Forward!!
With Love,
Clare
When did you find out about Santa? Was it our (the older sibs) fault?
What's really cool is that you are defending Christmas!
But I feel adrift, trying to find the meaning for me. Every culture celebrates the solstice, in some way. The end of the dark, in December, and the coming of the darker times, in June, are important. There is something human about feeling that connection. I think maybe all the hype, the songs, the movies - it draws us away from connection. We don't feel connected to the Earth, or so often - to each other. And so we look at what we're supposed to do, and try to fit in, and just get through it!
My daughter is torn between making a perfect Christmas for her baby, and - no playing Christmas carols! We talked about: There's No Such Thing As a Perfect Christmas. (Every mother should explain this to their children...the true facts of life!) But, now is time to think about which traditions are important to her, to establish in her family.
This weekend, we are making gingerbread houses. I have the local grandkids here - which of course leaves a hole where I wish the other two were with me, also. I had forgotten how bad an idea mixing sugar and three-year-olds can be. Somehow, yesterday, Emmy got frosted. She was green and sweet!
You mentioned discovering Santa was not real, and what that meant to you. I found out when we lived on that last army base. I was looking for something - I think it snowed and we wanted to sled, and I found everything. I made a mental list, and compared to Christmas morning. Yep, everything had been there before Christmas. For me, it was an "aha" moment. But what changed in me was the realization that we are all Santa. We all have the privilege and joy of giving things to people without expecting acknowledgement and thanks. And that, in a way, it was even cooler when the recipient didn't know. It made life more magic.
As I said, I never taught my kids about Santa. And when they each asked me if Santa was real I said, "Either you believe in the magic or you don't." When they no longer believed in that myth, I taught them that now they were Santa. They had to find secret ways to make people happy. I caught my middle child going down the street once, with a pocketful of dimes, feeding the parking meters. There's Santa!
Another day of gingerbread and candy and sappy movies. I made an executive decision that we will decorate each wall, and store them for the trip to their house, and to be kept in the fridge here. Then we will assemble them at Christmastime. The kids will help me make dinner, and we'll all eat together tonight, with their parents, before they go home. My granddaughter likes to post the menu on the chalkboard.
It's early-morning-quiet, but if I know my grandson, it will be over soon. Forward!!
With Love,
Clare
When did you find out about Santa? Was it our (the older sibs) fault?
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Long winter's nap
The first thought that comes to mind while reading your post is that we are looking for Christmas in the wrong place.
As with Light and Spirit…we will find the true spirit of Christmas within our hearts…surrounded by the people we most cherish.
I had a talk with son#1 the other night, asking him what his favorite thing about Christmas is…he bluntly told me that he doesn't like it…it has so much hype…and then disappointment sets in…and in the end it is just another day. He does like the sweet rolls and presents though.
I remember that sense of disappointment every year after I found out that Santa was not real…I understood the myth and why everyone perpetuates it…but the mystery was gone…there was no more magic, or beauty to anticipated…just disappointment.
Husband and I went to a Fair Trade sale today…I found a beautiful necklace for someone. We also went to a local art barn…a place that supports local artists…I didn't find anything that struck me as a perfect gift…but it was so beautiful and warm in there.
I came home, took the dogs for a walk and then napped for almost 2 hours…surrounded by my animals…it was great. I felt run down all week so it was a perfect opportunity to catch up.
Unfortunately I haven't fully woken up…still in that groggy type mind-set.
I am tired and have a blank mind…I hope that you are enjoying your weekend…and that all are recovering from your virus…
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
As with Light and Spirit…we will find the true spirit of Christmas within our hearts…surrounded by the people we most cherish.
I had a talk with son#1 the other night, asking him what his favorite thing about Christmas is…he bluntly told me that he doesn't like it…it has so much hype…and then disappointment sets in…and in the end it is just another day. He does like the sweet rolls and presents though.
I remember that sense of disappointment every year after I found out that Santa was not real…I understood the myth and why everyone perpetuates it…but the mystery was gone…there was no more magic, or beauty to anticipated…just disappointment.
Husband and I went to a Fair Trade sale today…I found a beautiful necklace for someone. We also went to a local art barn…a place that supports local artists…I didn't find anything that struck me as a perfect gift…but it was so beautiful and warm in there.
I came home, took the dogs for a walk and then napped for almost 2 hours…surrounded by my animals…it was great. I felt run down all week so it was a perfect opportunity to catch up.
Unfortunately I haven't fully woken up…still in that groggy type mind-set.
I am tired and have a blank mind…I hope that you are enjoying your weekend…and that all are recovering from your virus…
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, December 6, 2013
Bah?
I like the idea of Divine intimacy. I think that phrase will stay with me for a while.
The baby was sick for the first time. Then my daughter and I both had a milder case - a visit from the last virus making the rounds and disrupting digestive tracts. So we were all out of it last night. My daughter took the baby to the doctor this afternoon. The worst is over, but we still have to watch for signs of dehydration.
I don't know if there is a perfect Christmas. So many years I just want to get through it. My beliefs clash with cultural expectations. I never told my kids about Santa. But I didn't dispute what culture taught them. That's sort of how I play Christmas.
We have simplified Christmas by having the adults exchange names. That way no one is burdened by too much shopping. We all buy gifts for the kids.
I'm working every day until Christmas Eve. There will be no time to do much preparation. The house is still not back in order from Thanksgiving. I'm moving into my annual numbness - let's just get through this. It is so different from the comfort of Thanksgiving.
Christmas is joyed-up by grandchildren. We are going to make gingerbread houses. As I was discussing that with my older granddaughter, I had this momentary return to the gingerbread houses we made together years ago. They were quite "rustic". I remember yours didn't even make it to your apartment. Your friends downed all that sugar in the elevator...
I do like the traditions. We have certain foods we always eat. I also like the way Christmas day feels like a day set apart from all others. I really like the way we can't figure out what day it is after a good holiday.
When my kids were little, we put Nana's creche up on December 1. All of the figurines were in place except for the baby. I also had a small box full of hay. Every time one of my kids did something good or kind or helpful, they were supposed to get one piece of hay and put it in the creche. The goal was to make the barn warm and cozy for the baby. On Christmas Eve, after we read and had sleepy-time tea, and before going to bed, the youngest put the baby in the barn with the rest of the characters.
I miss the little kid years.
One year, we had no money, my daughter and I each spent $10 at the Chinese dollar store. It was funny. And memorable.
I don't know if I ever believed in Christmas...That's why I search at this time of year. There has to be something significant, something worth celebrating during solstice.
Love and hugs and sweet dreams,
Clare
The baby was sick for the first time. Then my daughter and I both had a milder case - a visit from the last virus making the rounds and disrupting digestive tracts. So we were all out of it last night. My daughter took the baby to the doctor this afternoon. The worst is over, but we still have to watch for signs of dehydration.
I don't know if there is a perfect Christmas. So many years I just want to get through it. My beliefs clash with cultural expectations. I never told my kids about Santa. But I didn't dispute what culture taught them. That's sort of how I play Christmas.
We have simplified Christmas by having the adults exchange names. That way no one is burdened by too much shopping. We all buy gifts for the kids.
I'm working every day until Christmas Eve. There will be no time to do much preparation. The house is still not back in order from Thanksgiving. I'm moving into my annual numbness - let's just get through this. It is so different from the comfort of Thanksgiving.
Christmas is joyed-up by grandchildren. We are going to make gingerbread houses. As I was discussing that with my older granddaughter, I had this momentary return to the gingerbread houses we made together years ago. They were quite "rustic". I remember yours didn't even make it to your apartment. Your friends downed all that sugar in the elevator...
I do like the traditions. We have certain foods we always eat. I also like the way Christmas day feels like a day set apart from all others. I really like the way we can't figure out what day it is after a good holiday.
When my kids were little, we put Nana's creche up on December 1. All of the figurines were in place except for the baby. I also had a small box full of hay. Every time one of my kids did something good or kind or helpful, they were supposed to get one piece of hay and put it in the creche. The goal was to make the barn warm and cozy for the baby. On Christmas Eve, after we read and had sleepy-time tea, and before going to bed, the youngest put the baby in the barn with the rest of the characters.
I miss the little kid years.
One year, we had no money, my daughter and I each spent $10 at the Chinese dollar store. It was funny. And memorable.
I don't know if I ever believed in Christmas...That's why I search at this time of year. There has to be something significant, something worth celebrating during solstice.
Love and hugs and sweet dreams,
Clare
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Christmas sights, smells, sounds and tastes- a sensual experience
The answer to your question is both. Presence is both finding the Light or divine and becoming one with it. It is Divine intimacy. I read Elaine Pagel's Gnostic Gospels several weeks ago…
she described the gnostic view of Christianity much as the Buddhists' believe.
They felt that the journey to the Presence was being Christian…
once the individual came into the Presence they were Christ…
much like enlightenment and finding the Buddha nature within.
A perfect Christmas?
Well, one of my yearly activities is already close to perfection…
my Meeting house is opened up on Christmas eve for 2 hours…
lit only by candles in hurricane lanterns and sconces on the wall…
totally silent except for the breathing of your fellow Quaker, and their coming and going…
it is idyllic.
Prior to becoming a Quaker I used to direct the music for my parish…
Christmas Eve always meant singing 2 Masses (a 4 and 6pm) and then back for the 8 am Mass on Christmas morning…
I really didn't think that I could give up my Christmas Eve singing…
800 people jammed into the church…
and I chose the music…
and sang many solos and duets.
It was such a thrill.
Several years we had 'boilo' and alter boy wine between mass…
Father shared his wine…
and my friend made the boilo…
warm moonshine or grain alcohol with fruit and spices…
a Coal-miners tradition.
I never knew how much of my energy was robbed by the preparation for and performance of those Masses. Now that I don't sing mass, my holidays are much less hectic.
We have certain traditions within our family that I cherish…
home-made stockings hung on Christmas Eve…
sweet-rolls made Christmas Eve and eaten on Christmas morning…
daughter#2 waking everyone up by 5 am because she just cannot stand to wait any longer…
of course daughter#1 refuses to budge until 7…
husband makes egg-nog and delivers it to friends and co-workers on Christmas Eve…
using the same decorations for the tree and most of the house year after year.
I started to decorate this morning. I pulled out a carved nativity set that was a wedding gift 25 years ago…it made me smile and remember many Christmases past. I pulled out my collections of Santas and arranged them on one mantle…and then arranged greens and a reindeer on the other mantle…it is so familiar…I am tempted to change it up…make something new an different…but my family looks forward to this…especially the girls who are away most of the time.
I guess for me Christmas is about the familiar…smells, sights, sounds, tastes…very sensual.
but each year I especially love the peace and quiet of Christmas night…when everyone is content, and the anticipation is over…and we can just be together.
What about you? What is your 'perfect' Christmas?
Love and Light,
Maggie
she described the gnostic view of Christianity much as the Buddhists' believe.
They felt that the journey to the Presence was being Christian…
once the individual came into the Presence they were Christ…
much like enlightenment and finding the Buddha nature within.
A perfect Christmas?
Well, one of my yearly activities is already close to perfection…
my Meeting house is opened up on Christmas eve for 2 hours…
lit only by candles in hurricane lanterns and sconces on the wall…
totally silent except for the breathing of your fellow Quaker, and their coming and going…
it is idyllic.
Prior to becoming a Quaker I used to direct the music for my parish…
Christmas Eve always meant singing 2 Masses (a 4 and 6pm) and then back for the 8 am Mass on Christmas morning…
I really didn't think that I could give up my Christmas Eve singing…
800 people jammed into the church…
and I chose the music…
and sang many solos and duets.
It was such a thrill.
Several years we had 'boilo' and alter boy wine between mass…
Father shared his wine…
and my friend made the boilo…
warm moonshine or grain alcohol with fruit and spices…
a Coal-miners tradition.
I never knew how much of my energy was robbed by the preparation for and performance of those Masses. Now that I don't sing mass, my holidays are much less hectic.
We have certain traditions within our family that I cherish…
home-made stockings hung on Christmas Eve…
sweet-rolls made Christmas Eve and eaten on Christmas morning…
daughter#2 waking everyone up by 5 am because she just cannot stand to wait any longer…
of course daughter#1 refuses to budge until 7…
husband makes egg-nog and delivers it to friends and co-workers on Christmas Eve…
using the same decorations for the tree and most of the house year after year.
I started to decorate this morning. I pulled out a carved nativity set that was a wedding gift 25 years ago…it made me smile and remember many Christmases past. I pulled out my collections of Santas and arranged them on one mantle…and then arranged greens and a reindeer on the other mantle…it is so familiar…I am tempted to change it up…make something new an different…but my family looks forward to this…especially the girls who are away most of the time.
I guess for me Christmas is about the familiar…smells, sights, sounds, tastes…very sensual.
but each year I especially love the peace and quiet of Christmas night…when everyone is content, and the anticipation is over…and we can just be together.
What about you? What is your 'perfect' Christmas?
Love and Light,
Maggie
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