tough times

Clare,
I am considering wearing a safety pin…
in my ear.
Just to make people wonder about me.

I sometimes feel paralyzed by fear…
peritraumatic dissociation is the technical term.
It is a survival mechanism.
It is common.
It can manifest as daydreaming in some…
or multiple personality disorder in others (now known as dissociative identity disorder).
It is debilitating in some…
fugue states that last for extended periods of time.
I had one client who wandered in the woods for two weeks not knowing who she was or where she was after her father died….
she almost died.
Trauma is everywhere.

I had to sit with discomfort today. I asked for assistance with planning the future from the president of the board 2 weeks ago. He spoke with her about it and she took it as an insult and attack.
I wanted direction…
she felt I was pushing her out.
Why do women feel threatened by other women?
Why is it so hard to communicate with each other and understand what each is saying.
I try to listen to understand…
but do not feel understood.
A year ago I had not met this woman nor heard of this nonprofit. I was invited to work there- I did not ask for a job. One year later I am seen as someone competing for scarce resources and power. PArt of me wants to ditch and run…
part wants to prove I am right for the job and noncompetitive.

On similar but different front, I had a long conversation with the president of the board that I sit as vice president. I am unhappy with the process that the shelter uses to make decisions…
specifically the director tells the board what she wants and everyone nods "yes".
There are a few things that are important an I seem to be the only person paying attention. When I speak up I am met with a "what is the big deal" type of response. So I finally explained the 4.5 year history and why the process to those choices is important. She finally got it. She finally understood the board's role is to make decisions- not just agree with what is being done. I don't know if anything will change- except I was very clear that I was stepping down. She asked me to explain my point of view to the rest of the board and then see what their reaction is…then choose to stay or go. I thought I was free and clear…
and now I've got one more assignment.

Why is everything so tough right now? Why do I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall daily? It would be easier to stay home, make arts and crafts, play with the horses, cook and keep my house…
I just don't know.

We are being surrounded by bullies. I feel like they are all bullying each other behind the scenes. It is interesting to hear the stories coming out…Kushner fired Christie because Christie put Kushner's father in jail…
I'm afraid of the Bannon dude…he sounds like negative energy embodied in a human. I think I'm more afraid of his influence than I am of Trumps' ignorant, hateful rhetoric. I can only hope that he and Trump bump egos too many times and he's gone.

We can stick to Integrity, Intelligence, and Civility… my new mantra.

I actually have been asked to hold silence for several minutes during the thanksgiving service. No preparation necessary. I've also cried my way through songs at times…it can be very empowering to let the emotion move the song through you. What a great feeling that is.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie