Grammy

Clare,

I am thinking a lot about Grammy. You posted the Sami picture on social media.
Yesterday I made rice pudding…
the old fashioned recipe that takes 2.5 hours to cook…
I'm not even sure if that was Grammy's recipe, or Grandma's…
but I'm thinking about Grammy.

I remember the sense of love and warmth when she visited. I don't remember her ever living with us, as you probably do. I do remember her hugs when she arrived. They were so complete and safe…
that's how it feels to me from 54 years' perspective.
I don't remember any specific conversations with her. I can remember the party at Mama's youngest sister's home, eating corn on the cob, and Grammy getting gob of soft butter on the tip of her nose…
she laughed and laughed.
She seemed so happy…
and yet, at her funeral the great aunts and her friends talked about what a saint she was…
all of the trials she endured…
the alcoholic husband…
living for so long on her own…
working as a nurse at the state hospital.
I appreciate how complex our lives are and how, even more, complex our personalities have to be.
Was she a healed person, living an enlightened, loving, full life?
Was she a great actress hiding the pain inside and laughing on the outside?
I wish I knew her better. I do remember feeling so jealous that she lived with our California cousins. I wanted to see her all the time. I wanted that sense of love and belonging that she radiated. But her visits were special.
She remarried at 67…after a long widowhood.
I remember thinking how strange it is to marry as an old woman. Now I'm not that far from 67 and understand her love and desire for companionship. She really wasn't that old. I think it was the fact that she had several heart attacks and being overweight made me consider her old, elderly. It's funny how our perspectives on age change.
I miss her. I should ask me reiki healer to connect me to see what this remembrance is all about.
The last time I "connected" with Grammy was many years ago…
probably 18 or so. I was ranting in my mind about Mama…
not coming to help when my youngest was going to be born. Honestly blaming the choice on Papa, but holding Mama in the fire of my anger too. I got this loud, low pitched tone in my right ear. It was just a monotone- but my mind deciphered it as grammy asking me to "be kind, you don't understand what she's lived through"…
you can imagine my reaction…
embarrassment, denial- I wasn't that mean, sadness, resignation- this is my life and maternal relationship, and joy that she had reached past the veil to me.

I have to get ready for Meeting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie