paralyzed by fear

Hi Maggie,

So good to see/hear/meet you here. I definitely missed you.  I understand being busy, though, and am happy that you are in the zone, doing amazing things.

Someone changed some of the words of 'Tis a Gift to Be Simple.  Have you ever heard the version done by Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss?  It is amazing.  Just a quick story.  A good friend asked me to sing at her wedding. I did a duet with another women, singing 'Tis a Gift in harmony.  We were singing before about 125 guests, and doing well, when I made a mistake...a big mistake. I looked at the bride. And when I looked at her glowing face, and felt the joy streaming from her heart, I started to weep. And there was nothing I could do but keep singing, while weeping.

Afterwards, people told me it was touching.  I learned an important lesson, though. Don't look at the bride until after singing, especially if it is someone very dear to your heart!

What is the point of your speech at the Interfaith Council? That will help generate some ideas.

I have been thinking about trauma, experiencing trauma, being formed by trauma, developing our coping mechanisms.

One of mine, and I think of many people, is to freeze. Prey animals do this all the time.  If there is a predator, freeze and hope they don't see you.

I think, for me I know, that this freeze strategy expands and moves into most of my life. Be quiet, don't attract attention. This is part of the why do I hide questions I have been wrestling with, I suppose.

But today I stated a phrase that has been resounding ever since...Paralyzed by fear.

I remember Dad bullying Grammy's best friend, who became our surrogate grandma for years.  We froze.  In the face of the bully, we all learned to be quiet and wait for the abuse to end. Then we go on as if nothing happened.

Our country is now in the hands of bullies.  Watching Trump mimic a handicapped reporter once again, watching him think he was funny, breaks my heart. Most of us outgrew this cruelty by the time we were in middle school.  Hearing him brag about assaulting women, knowing I am nothing but a dog or a pig to him - not even human, knowing my daughter is simply something he can grab...it frightens me, it hurts, it makes me furious.

But I am paralyzed by fear. Am I paralyzed by fear?

I think I am too busy. I think there is nothing I can do.  But really, am I paralyzed in the face of bullies. Because the men he is choosing for his cabinet, his vice president...more bullies, more arrogant, entitled, rich white guys.

Is this the point of the systemized violence of our culture?  Is it to render us paralyzed, unable to think, unable to react, leaving us simply ashamed at the end, because once again, we allowed someone mean to be mean?

People are starting to wear safety pins, indicating that they are safe.  But does it mean anything? Will any of these people stand with a person being bullied.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."  -Edmund Burke

I saw something that said if this administration starts requiring Muslims to register with the government, the first 800 people had better be white.  Will I do that?

Should I get a safety pin?

The struggle continues.

Love and hugs from Clare