death surrounds us

Hi Maggie,

It's one of my favorite days.  I want to go to bed early, and I know tomorrow will feel like sleeping in.  For a few days, I will be well-rested!

A few months ago I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. It was good in theory, but   the arrangement was absolutely not practical.  So today, I ripped everything apart and moved it into another, never yet tried before pattern.  In the process, Grammy's wedding picture - from her second wedding -  suddenly appeared.  It amazed me. I showed my granddaughter who was relatively uninterested, in the face of all the other treasures that were being uncovered.  I told her she should look, because I really loved her.

Synchronicity...I really love it!!

If you slow cooked the rice in milk, that was Grandma's recipe.  I remember living with Grammy.  She was such a matriarch.  She kept everyone smooth and together.  She was my idol in so many ways.  It took many more years for me to realize how much I also loved and looked up to Grandma.

I have so many silly little memories.  She was peeling apples for apple pie after school, in a rocking chair, watching Tarzan...feeding us peels.

But also, when she decided to convert to Catholicism, she had a spiritual encounter with the Blessed Mother which impacted her a lot.  I may have her written description of what happened.  If I remember the rest, her parents refused to attend her wedding because it was Catholic...

Last night my neighbor's life changed in one heartbeat...it was the last. Another death. He had a massive heart attack.  His girlfriend said she heard him fall, and they think he was gone before he hit the floor.  He was only in his 40s. But he was heavy and a heavy drinker.

He was one of the grandparental figures in my grandaughter's life.

And coincidentally, as I kept her all day so her mama, who was not supposed to be out and about yet, could support the girlfriend who she is close to, she brought up death.  (Quite a run-on sentence for an English teacher!)

I had mentioned that my old dog was getting very weak, and would probably die soon.  My granddaughter said she did not want the dog to die, that she wanted to be able to play with her forever.  I explained that everyone, everything dies.  She asked why. I tried to explain that our bodies get tired, or sometimes something happens and the body can not keep going.

I was not sure what kind of language my daughter wants to use, and so I didn't say anything.

I am being so superstitious and wondering who the third will be...I remember when Aunt S. died. One week later Grammy left us, and a week later it was Uncle R.  Then about a dozen years later my mother-in-law's father died.  One week later, on Christmas Eve, her mother died. About ten days after that it was Pop.  I know death does not always come in threes, but I still wait for the third...

Because of the surgery, I had my granddaughter all weekend.  We spent all day at meetinghouse yesterday, baking bread.  She learned to knead bread.  She said she wished she could spend every day with me.   Just as an aside, she began attending half day school five days a week about two weeks ago.  I asked her what about school.  She said, "I really don't like being alone."  I mentioned the names of some of her regular playmates, and a favorite teacher.  She said, "Yeah. But I'm not with Mommy."

I started thinking about the ways we institutionalize our babies.  Now she is being enculturated to replace family with peer group.  And she knows it is wrong.  And she is mourning. 

I felt so sad...

Back to thinking about my neighbor.  His girlfriend said he was lying to his doctor about how much he was drinking, about what he was eating. All of his choices were really suicidal.

I make suicidal choices every day, yet I say I want to live to be an old, old crone.

Do I really?????

Love and hugs from Clare