lots of thoughts...

Hi Maggie,

I have had some count of grandchildren here with me since Friday evening.  I finally have a little quiet in my house.  And I am watching it snow.  I'm not always crazy about winter, but I do love to watch it snow.

I had a committee meeting here on Thursday night. A Friend gave me a safety pin to wear.  I took it as a sign of good faith, to my spirit, to my soul, that I will not be paralyzed by fear. Our committee meeting ended early.  People were exhausted.  And people are still grieving. It made it a strange meeting. I was clerking and could not get a sense of the meeting. My co-clerk was urging us forward, moving in and trying to move me - which I accept because this is a very experienced clerk. But my co-clerk was shorter than usual.   I am not always a confident clerk.  But this meeting was especially confounding.

But we made it through.

Our meetinghouse is surrounded by six acres of land which has been dedicated as a nature preserve.  The Friend who was the moving force behind this resigned from meeting, and since then it hasn't been kept us as it was.  I had a leading that we should establish a permaculture site, for education - as we learn and establish it, then as an example once it is working.

And so I have been learning more.  Our clerk asked me to write something, sort of an explanation/plan.  I talked to him today and he asked me to write a little more.

I think he wanted more of an idea of what will happen. I got lost in the spirituality of it.  It was fun.
I was going to reprise what I wrote, but I think I will copy and paste part of my email:

Permaculture was named both for permanent + agriculture and permanent + culture.  It is a design system that leads us in how we interact with the world.  But it is also spiritual.

I believe that many of the problems we have come from the patriarchal view that we can own. We can own land and animals, we own our children. We have to control the land, force it to produce.   We have lost the idea/ideal of stewardship, of preserving, of being part of the web rather than enriching ourselves by grabbing as much of the web as possible - and owning it.  We have lost the idea of leaving it better than we found it.

We have lost our sense of belonging.  I see this in so many ways in our culture.  And since we don't belong to the Earth, it doesn't bother us to kill it.

This is spiritual.  But it is also political.

I am relieved, inspired by Pepe Mujika, by Pope Francis, and by Justin Trudeau.  We have a new generation of true leaders - just a glimmer of Light, but it is true.  These men understand that they serve the people, they do not own the people.   With Bernie Sanders, we had a chance to join this new Light and help lead culture to a better, higher place. But the powers that be were afraid.  I think they are afraid of releasing their wealth, and so they fearfully cling to the old ways of ownership. They have no faith.  They have redefined poverty to mean being locked out, rather than understanding the flow of abundance.  I think poverty originally meant not having to own, having faith that what one needed would be available. 

The pathologically greedy have stopped that flow. And they are afraid of reestablishing it. And so we are falling backwards into fear.

So, if the nation is unable to go forward, we do it. We become one shining little spot where we work with nature, where we allow abundance to occur, and where we share.

I don't know what will happen. I don't know who is going to do all of the work. I only believe that if we are supposed to do this, and we do it with faithfulness, those who are supposed to work with us will appear. And maybe some of them will find a home with us, and stay.

I have a lot of sympathy for my clerks. But they asked..
 

And then there's one other thing I want to hit you with.  I have been a little lost in what to do...Two of my grandchildren, the 6 year old and the 3 year old were playing doctor.  It got very quiet. Being an experienced mother/grandmother I knew that meant something was up.  They were gone for less than 5 minutes. They were playing the kind of doctor where the younger had her pants down and the older did not.  They kind of doctor where one was leaning against the door to keep the adults out.

I pushed the door open and the vulnerability of the younger hit my heart so hard.  And the really weird thing is that my labia started to hurt, and ached for hours.

I told them to come out of the bathroom. I told the youngest that only her real doctor could be her doctor.  That only parents and grandparents and real doctors could ask her to pull down her pants.  I told her that anyone else who asked was doing something wrong. That she had to say no. She had to tell an adult who loved her.

She was pretty matter of fact.  I don't know if she heard me or if she understood.

I asked the older if they noticed how much she trusted, how she did what was asked.

"Yes."

"Well, you betrayed her. She trusted you and you did something wrong to her."

Then it got a little hairy. I was staying extremely calm and matter of fact. I asked the older if anyone had ever done that to them.

  Yes...Oh lord, I was shaking a little. 

Who? 

Head under a blanket, refusing to answer.

"Do you trust me?"

"Was it an adult or a child?"

"An adult."

My mind was disintegrating.  Everything hurt.

"Who?"

An older child...about 6 or 7 years older. His family is part of our social group, especially his parent's group.

"Do you know why he did it?"

"No."

"Because someone did it to him.  But he was wrong.  He did not have the right to touch you, to ask you to do this. Just like you did not have the right to do this to your cousin."

"When did it happen?"

"When I was 3 or 4."

"Is it still happening?"

"No."

Okay, it is over...or is it? I would lie.  I lied to parents...I was ashamed.  And you told me that when our former neighbors called Dad and told him what was going on in our old neighborhood, the boys lied. We all lie, because we are so very ashamed.

I have been turning and twisting in my mind. Is this a normal part of childhood?  We have been led to believe it is. But I am not so sure.  My grandchildren change clothes, casually, in front of each other. They have a very healthy attitude about nudity.  So this wasn't like us and Mom's extreme fear of nudity.  Getting changed has nothing to do with locking the adults out. That is a passing of shame down the line.

I have not told either set of parents. I think the kids understood my reaction - this was wrong.  But did they?  If I tell the parents, will they label the older?  That is a huge fear.  And if it becomes a drama, will it lead him to do this again? Stress relief... If it becomes a drama, will the older ever trust me again?

But the younger needs to hear from many sources, we do not share our genitalia with anyone. If anyone asks, it is always wrong.

I have read some speculation that the difference in ages determines whether it is molestation or not.  I don't think so any more.  I think whether or not the older child has ever been molested is what determines whether it is molestation or not.

Advice, sister. How far do I go with this?  How do I make sure it does not become a drama? I am not sure if my Crone-trump card is strong enough.  I want the older to understand that someone hurt them, and that this behavior can hurt someone else.  But I don't want them to feel like they are bad...

I have been trapped in the past...

Sending love and hugs, and hoping for a life-line!!

Clare