still thinking

Hi Maggie,

My first night alone, with no kids in the house, I could not sleep.  I was caught in the drama of playing doctor. Now I am calmer.  I have released it enough to sleep, to be normal, to not dwell on it.

So it is time to find time with the parents.  Most likely it will be after Thanksgiving, after S#3 and her brood go home...

I loved what you said...about shining Light in the corners...about not creating drama.

Thank you.

I have been thinking about discharging shame by luring others into it.  I am more and more certain - absolutely certain - that one must be raped to be able to rape.  So in this situation, I knew someone older had taught my grandchild - by example.  And we are ashamed.  Sometimes I am still ashamed, yet I did nothing wrong...

It is kind of like the bullshit we absorbed in Catholic school, we learned it to our very bones - to the depths of our consciousness, that being female meant we were bad.  We were temptresses and it was our fault men touched us.  We were taught to be ashamed by virtue of our very existence.

And either we drown in our shame or we discharge it.  But it's hard to just live with it.  We squash it down in one place and it pops up somewhere else, always someplace inconvenient.

I was thinking about how easy it is to instill shame into a whole population.  One sick adult molests a couple of kids, who molest a couple of kids...and it grows exponentially until we have all been molested, and think it is a normal part of childhood...

Kids will be kids.

It's just kid stuff.

I thought it was normal. A guy I dated in college and I talked about it once...all kids play doctor.  He was a psych major.  We don't know what it is like to grow up in a place where sexuality is safeguarded allowing us to grow into vibrant, sexually healthy adults.

From the outside, I think your boss wanted to retire, philosophically.  That was until it became real. Then I think, she panicked and realized she is not ready to let go.  That may be why she has reacted so strongly to you, interpreting everything/anything as a move to displace her.

Have faith.  Be calm.  Watch for the lesson.

Love and hugs from Clare