Hi Maggie,
Kudos for honesty.
When I wrote the column about life with children for all those years, all those years ago, I wrote one where I wondered what my life would be like if I had never had children. I remember not even realizing that was in me, but I was scanning the possibilities I gave up when I decided to have babies.
Someone I was close to at that time, she had five homeschooled children also, and we used to trade off kids, she read that column and she thanked me. She said she had had similar stray thoughts but had never been brave enough to give them voice. She felt so relieved that other moms had similar thoughts.
Parenting is hard. It is the most difficult job we ever accept. And our rewards are kids who hate us. Every single one of my kids told me they hated me. Outwardly, I acknowledged that I knew they did - they could hate me. It was okay. Inwardly, I don't think I ever hated them, but I was equally frustrated with them. It was mutual.
I was wishing I was somewhere else, doing something that was - not this - as much as they were.
He got himself free of boarding school once...right?
What is the treatment for narcissism? How would you treat someone who asked you to be their counselor?
My old dog is losing control of her hips. She has also deepened into her dementia, and is not sure what she is supposed to do. Every time the back door opens, she thinks she is supposed to go out. She has begun pacing while I am working.
I am sensing that soft, spiritual feeling that comes with being with someone who is passing - who is half here and half there. I am praying that she let go painlessly, that I don't have to make a decision that she is in pain and would be better off gone.
She has been getting up every two to three hours through the night to get a drink and go out to pee. Last night, she woke me up twice by stepping on my face. For some reason the top of the bed seemed like the best place to get through.
So I am watching and waiting and trying to find ways to remind her that humans are kind, and she is loved.
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
narcissist
Clare,
I think you are right…
if you forgive 70 x 7 times you will be the Light…
shining brightly.
I am trying to concisely describe what is going on with my youngest.
If I hadn't raised him I would swear he was an abused child.
He is a narcissist:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
He cares only about self-preservations and gratification. He struggles with any criticism- adopts a "they're against me" attitude towards anyone that attempts to steer him or discipline him. This is true of teachers, coaches, and husband and I. He is incredibly strong physically and has an impulsive temper. He breaks things out of anger and then does not see any benefit in paying for damages. He panics when he's grounded…and exponentially increases the discipline because he breaks rules just to piss us off. The one, saving grace is that he has a wonderful heart- if he lets it be seen.
He's been breaking rules and telling lies- that he spins as truth- and doesn't think it fair that we are restricting his use of a car. We gave him "one last chance" on Sunday night and last evening he came home 45 minutes late- but it wasn't his fault, his friend was hungry. I would not let him stay home from school today so he made me late for an appointment and then called me a little over an hour later- asking to be picked up because he is sick…he is not. In less than one year he's had 2 accidents and received 2 speeding tickets- everyone else's fault of course
I've had it with being manipulated and abused by this kid. I am seriously considering boarding school to finish out his senior year. I don't even care about success at this point- I just want a break. I'm not sure I can make it to 25….
I love him, but I don't want to live with him anymore.
I'm a terrible momma, right?
I haven't thrown him into the streets yet.
I guess that's one point for me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I think you are right…
if you forgive 70 x 7 times you will be the Light…
shining brightly.
I am trying to concisely describe what is going on with my youngest.
If I hadn't raised him I would swear he was an abused child.
He is a narcissist:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
He cares only about self-preservations and gratification. He struggles with any criticism- adopts a "they're against me" attitude towards anyone that attempts to steer him or discipline him. This is true of teachers, coaches, and husband and I. He is incredibly strong physically and has an impulsive temper. He breaks things out of anger and then does not see any benefit in paying for damages. He panics when he's grounded…and exponentially increases the discipline because he breaks rules just to piss us off. The one, saving grace is that he has a wonderful heart- if he lets it be seen.
He's been breaking rules and telling lies- that he spins as truth- and doesn't think it fair that we are restricting his use of a car. We gave him "one last chance" on Sunday night and last evening he came home 45 minutes late- but it wasn't his fault, his friend was hungry. I would not let him stay home from school today so he made me late for an appointment and then called me a little over an hour later- asking to be picked up because he is sick…he is not. In less than one year he's had 2 accidents and received 2 speeding tickets- everyone else's fault of course
I've had it with being manipulated and abused by this kid. I am seriously considering boarding school to finish out his senior year. I don't even care about success at this point- I just want a break. I'm not sure I can make it to 25….
I love him, but I don't want to live with him anymore.
I'm a terrible momma, right?
I haven't thrown him into the streets yet.
I guess that's one point for me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, November 28, 2016
Forgiving
Hi Maggie,
It was good to hear you on Thanksgiving, too. I made a couple of remarks, no one heard me, so I listened...I was not sure who I was listening to some of the time...but it was nice to hear how much we sound alike.
I am glad you had time with your foster son. And it is awesome that you recognized crisis point and averted a problem. Is he happy where he is? How is the younger brother doing?
It would be interesting if he got insight from your kids. I wonder what that would do to his perception. Too often the stories we tell ourselves are totally self-centered.
How many times do we forgive? As many as it takes, I think...except we don't keep doing the same thing over and over. That stretches back to the definition of insanity. If someone beats you, you don't forgive them. You forgive them, and let them stay near if they get some counseling, if something changes. Or you forgive them and put space between the two of you so you don't get beaten again.
I think forgiveness may be transformative. You forgive and you become something new, something aware, something wiser...Or else it is not truly forgiveness. It is really: I will allow you to behave badly because I am terrified of being alone.
By the time you have truly forgiven 70 x 7 times, you will be Light, baby!!
I still don't know what the latest crisis with your son is. I do understand. I prayed long and hard for my youngest son - Please get him to 25. I have harped a little on Best Friend From College's research...25 is the age when a biochemical change occurs in the brain, and with that comes the onset of adult thinking.
I am getting the fever and congestion crud my granddaughter has been sharing. Her mama is in rough shape too, especially with her congested sinuses. I have always identified myself as being very healthy. Is this part of aging? Getting sick more often?
LOng day, still catching up on dishes from the weekend!!
Love and hugs from Clare
It was good to hear you on Thanksgiving, too. I made a couple of remarks, no one heard me, so I listened...I was not sure who I was listening to some of the time...but it was nice to hear how much we sound alike.
I am glad you had time with your foster son. And it is awesome that you recognized crisis point and averted a problem. Is he happy where he is? How is the younger brother doing?
It would be interesting if he got insight from your kids. I wonder what that would do to his perception. Too often the stories we tell ourselves are totally self-centered.
How many times do we forgive? As many as it takes, I think...except we don't keep doing the same thing over and over. That stretches back to the definition of insanity. If someone beats you, you don't forgive them. You forgive them, and let them stay near if they get some counseling, if something changes. Or you forgive them and put space between the two of you so you don't get beaten again.
I think forgiveness may be transformative. You forgive and you become something new, something aware, something wiser...Or else it is not truly forgiveness. It is really: I will allow you to behave badly because I am terrified of being alone.
By the time you have truly forgiven 70 x 7 times, you will be Light, baby!!
I still don't know what the latest crisis with your son is. I do understand. I prayed long and hard for my youngest son - Please get him to 25. I have harped a little on Best Friend From College's research...25 is the age when a biochemical change occurs in the brain, and with that comes the onset of adult thinking.
I am getting the fever and congestion crud my granddaughter has been sharing. Her mama is in rough shape too, especially with her congested sinuses. I have always identified myself as being very healthy. Is this part of aging? Getting sick more often?
LOng day, still catching up on dishes from the weekend!!
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, November 27, 2016
a very busy week- thanks
Clare,
I've been running for days…
I'm sorry that I've neglected our space.
It was good to hear your voice on Thursday…
I found that group call to be very confusing.
Thanksgiving was fun, low-keyed, and very enjoyable.
My daughter#2 came up on Wednesday afternoon and we began cooking together. She is very calm and loves to chat. Her emotional being has changed so much over the past several years. She is more settled, more thoughtful, less reactive. We chatted and made chocolate mousse pie and pumpkin bread. She had to go back to her apartment in the afternoon. My oldest came home in the late afternoon and we too began to make some of the vegetable side dishes. She was a bit high strung because her friends and former high school classmates go out on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving each year…she loves to fret about who she will run into.
Husband and I went to an interfaith Thanksgiving service in Berks. My responsibility, as a Quaker representative, was to hold silence. I prefaced it with a verse from Simple Gifts, shared 2 weeks before in Meeting for Worship…
'tis a gift to be patient, 'tis a gift to be kind, 'tis a gift to wait to hear another's mind.
From deep within the silence, comes forth truth, 'tis a gift for me, 'tis a gift for you…
I wasn't sure about the third line- so I may have made that up…
but it worked well for the purpose.
My older boy showed up late on Wednesday night- having to work until 10:30…
and the younger stayed at friends' house(s) and came home in the morning. Of course he needed a ride as I was in the middle of some dish I was preparing. He is driving me crazy…he wants to make amends and have a 'clean slate'- unfortunately he may be expelled this week from school, may lose his driver's license, and was late again last night despite being given 'another chance'. I will be very happy when that one is an adult. I love him, but he is so very trying of my patience and good judgement.
Thursday was fun, family gathered, talking, laughing, remembering. I had one small panic moment…
I'm not even sure what initiated it.
Saturday, husband and I shopped at 4 small businesses in the area. I'm trying to buy from small businesses, preferably local ones. It was a great day. We also decorated the mantles- one with fresh greens and the other with a collection of santa claus figurines that we've collected over the years. It was good to pull them out and remember.
I had a day with the young man today- at least an afternoon with him. I picked him up and drove him to visit his grandmother and great grandmother. This was the first time I've seen him since I dropped him off at school that day in early October. It was awkward at first- understandably. He didn't want to talk much on the trip down. We spoke of many safe topics. Once we were at his family's home his grandmother was sternly talking to him. After the fact I learned that she was asking him to make amends with husband and I. She wants both boys living in our house together. I explained that the younger brother does not want to see or hear from husband and I. We cannot be a resource for him because he refuses our help. He won't be coming to live at our house because of his own choices. The older brother has to reach out to all of our children and create relationship or at least ask for another chance. He told me today he is reluctant to contact anyone, except maybe the youngest. Unfortunately the youngest's phone is out of order so that will be difficult. I encouraged him to move out of his comfort zone and connect…
rejection is possible...
rejection is certain to continue if he does nothing.
I was very honest about my views with him- his rejection of relationship is going to be with him for many years to come. The only way to change the outcome is to open himself to someone along the way.
Trust.
Vulnerability.
Excruciatingly difficult.
Incredibly necessary.
I told him I'd take him to visit again before Christmas.
He did tell me that he was planning on running away around the time that I had him moved to another home. He said he knows he would be in a much different place right now if I hadn't acted. It was good to hear that my instincts were on target.
How many times do we forgive?
70 x 7…
isn't that what the bible says.
I'm not very biblical, but I do think that forgiveness is a longterm process.
Forgiveness starts with the decision to consider the other…
a tough place to start.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I've been running for days…
I'm sorry that I've neglected our space.
It was good to hear your voice on Thursday…
I found that group call to be very confusing.
Thanksgiving was fun, low-keyed, and very enjoyable.
My daughter#2 came up on Wednesday afternoon and we began cooking together. She is very calm and loves to chat. Her emotional being has changed so much over the past several years. She is more settled, more thoughtful, less reactive. We chatted and made chocolate mousse pie and pumpkin bread. She had to go back to her apartment in the afternoon. My oldest came home in the late afternoon and we too began to make some of the vegetable side dishes. She was a bit high strung because her friends and former high school classmates go out on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving each year…she loves to fret about who she will run into.
Husband and I went to an interfaith Thanksgiving service in Berks. My responsibility, as a Quaker representative, was to hold silence. I prefaced it with a verse from Simple Gifts, shared 2 weeks before in Meeting for Worship…
'tis a gift to be patient, 'tis a gift to be kind, 'tis a gift to wait to hear another's mind.
From deep within the silence, comes forth truth, 'tis a gift for me, 'tis a gift for you…
I wasn't sure about the third line- so I may have made that up…
but it worked well for the purpose.
My older boy showed up late on Wednesday night- having to work until 10:30…
and the younger stayed at friends' house(s) and came home in the morning. Of course he needed a ride as I was in the middle of some dish I was preparing. He is driving me crazy…he wants to make amends and have a 'clean slate'- unfortunately he may be expelled this week from school, may lose his driver's license, and was late again last night despite being given 'another chance'. I will be very happy when that one is an adult. I love him, but he is so very trying of my patience and good judgement.
Thursday was fun, family gathered, talking, laughing, remembering. I had one small panic moment…
I'm not even sure what initiated it.
Saturday, husband and I shopped at 4 small businesses in the area. I'm trying to buy from small businesses, preferably local ones. It was a great day. We also decorated the mantles- one with fresh greens and the other with a collection of santa claus figurines that we've collected over the years. It was good to pull them out and remember.
I had a day with the young man today- at least an afternoon with him. I picked him up and drove him to visit his grandmother and great grandmother. This was the first time I've seen him since I dropped him off at school that day in early October. It was awkward at first- understandably. He didn't want to talk much on the trip down. We spoke of many safe topics. Once we were at his family's home his grandmother was sternly talking to him. After the fact I learned that she was asking him to make amends with husband and I. She wants both boys living in our house together. I explained that the younger brother does not want to see or hear from husband and I. We cannot be a resource for him because he refuses our help. He won't be coming to live at our house because of his own choices. The older brother has to reach out to all of our children and create relationship or at least ask for another chance. He told me today he is reluctant to contact anyone, except maybe the youngest. Unfortunately the youngest's phone is out of order so that will be difficult. I encouraged him to move out of his comfort zone and connect…
rejection is possible...
rejection is certain to continue if he does nothing.
I was very honest about my views with him- his rejection of relationship is going to be with him for many years to come. The only way to change the outcome is to open himself to someone along the way.
Trust.
Vulnerability.
Excruciatingly difficult.
Incredibly necessary.
I told him I'd take him to visit again before Christmas.
He did tell me that he was planning on running away around the time that I had him moved to another home. He said he knows he would be in a much different place right now if I hadn't acted. It was good to hear that my instincts were on target.
How many times do we forgive?
70 x 7…
isn't that what the bible says.
I'm not very biblical, but I do think that forgiveness is a longterm process.
Forgiveness starts with the decision to consider the other…
a tough place to start.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
cliche
Hi Sister#2,
S#3 just left a few minutes ago, and I am sitting in the quiet. We had our annual week-end long Christmas craft fest, this year starring - viruses. My youngest grandchild had a fever, a cough and general snottiness. My oldest grandchild had vomiting and a fever - at her other grandma's. So we mostly didn't have all seven combined grandchildren. But for a few hours - we did.
As usual, I am a little worried about S#3. She is overwhelmed by those kids. She fell asleep for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, and I kept everyone quiet for a few hours so she could sleep as long as she needed. Nephew took her grandkids for a walk to help. Her mood was so improved. I think she needs more breaks.
We did our annual cookie decorating extravaganza. Her youngest granddaughter has the absolutely uncanny ability to get more candy on one small star cookie than seems humanly possible. Her creations each weighed about a pound!!
Last night after we had cleaned up the day's mess, we sat down to watch a Hallmark Christmas special, which S#3 loves. We watched the first half before we both admitted we were exhausted. But I could tell from the beginning what the story would be. Country girls moves to city, then finds out country people, and country life are the best. Arrogant rich men - no. Humble worker - yes.
It was so cliche.
But I started wondering if our lives are cliche. Are there only a certain number of story lines and we pick one and live our cliche lives? It is not necessarily bad. Falling in love is pretty wonderful, even if it is cliche...so is having a baby...
A friend remarried when she was just into her 50s. Newer cliche - on-line dating leads to love and marriage. She said her wedding would not be anything like anyone else's. I remembered her words as I saw her come down the open air aisle in a white gown and a veil.
Cliche. But warm and joyous.
I think the wish is Jewish...But I have heard: May you live in interesting times.
With the chaos, the opening, the Light pouring into our culture and civilization - cliche may be right out the window soon!
Loads of dishes to wash if I can pry my tired butt off this chair!
How was your holiday? Did everyone celebrate this year?
Love and hugs from Clare
S#3 just left a few minutes ago, and I am sitting in the quiet. We had our annual week-end long Christmas craft fest, this year starring - viruses. My youngest grandchild had a fever, a cough and general snottiness. My oldest grandchild had vomiting and a fever - at her other grandma's. So we mostly didn't have all seven combined grandchildren. But for a few hours - we did.
As usual, I am a little worried about S#3. She is overwhelmed by those kids. She fell asleep for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, and I kept everyone quiet for a few hours so she could sleep as long as she needed. Nephew took her grandkids for a walk to help. Her mood was so improved. I think she needs more breaks.
We did our annual cookie decorating extravaganza. Her youngest granddaughter has the absolutely uncanny ability to get more candy on one small star cookie than seems humanly possible. Her creations each weighed about a pound!!
Last night after we had cleaned up the day's mess, we sat down to watch a Hallmark Christmas special, which S#3 loves. We watched the first half before we both admitted we were exhausted. But I could tell from the beginning what the story would be. Country girls moves to city, then finds out country people, and country life are the best. Arrogant rich men - no. Humble worker - yes.
It was so cliche.
But I started wondering if our lives are cliche. Are there only a certain number of story lines and we pick one and live our cliche lives? It is not necessarily bad. Falling in love is pretty wonderful, even if it is cliche...so is having a baby...
A friend remarried when she was just into her 50s. Newer cliche - on-line dating leads to love and marriage. She said her wedding would not be anything like anyone else's. I remembered her words as I saw her come down the open air aisle in a white gown and a veil.
Cliche. But warm and joyous.
I think the wish is Jewish...But I have heard: May you live in interesting times.
With the chaos, the opening, the Light pouring into our culture and civilization - cliche may be right out the window soon!
Loads of dishes to wash if I can pry my tired butt off this chair!
How was your holiday? Did everyone celebrate this year?
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Happy Thanksgiving
Hi Sister...Happy Thanksgiving!!
We had a sweet day. There were just four of us here. My oldest, Nephew, my ex, and me. I played with recipes since there were not going to be any young eaters to complain.
I made rye bread of course. I think the recipe came from Grandma's mother, but I remember Grammy making it too. Either they had similar recipes, or one got the recipe from the other. Nonetheless, rye bread means holidays and traditions and granny-love.
My sons all make the bread now. My daughters are not terribly interested!
I made so much food, we never even got to the salad. And we shared two tiny slivers of the pumpkin flan I made for dessert...and the dogs each got some too. Everyone was full.
I wish we would have been a little more French, but I let preparations rush up on me. We started with sweet potato chowder, but the rest of the food was on the table, so we didn't really pause before we moved on.
Next time, pause. Talk. Enjoy the day.
After dinner we plays Cards Against Humanity. We have been playing this game on Christmas Eve for the past few years - after the kids go home. We laugh a lot. And sometimes we shock each other.
Tomorrow S#3 and her gang will arrive and we will have three days of chaos resulting in over-candied gingerbread cookies, and lots of lovely decorations.
I like it because it has become tradition. We need tradition.
How was your day?
Hoping you shared lots of love.
Love and hugs from Clare
We had a sweet day. There were just four of us here. My oldest, Nephew, my ex, and me. I played with recipes since there were not going to be any young eaters to complain.
I made rye bread of course. I think the recipe came from Grandma's mother, but I remember Grammy making it too. Either they had similar recipes, or one got the recipe from the other. Nonetheless, rye bread means holidays and traditions and granny-love.
My sons all make the bread now. My daughters are not terribly interested!
I made so much food, we never even got to the salad. And we shared two tiny slivers of the pumpkin flan I made for dessert...and the dogs each got some too. Everyone was full.
I wish we would have been a little more French, but I let preparations rush up on me. We started with sweet potato chowder, but the rest of the food was on the table, so we didn't really pause before we moved on.
Next time, pause. Talk. Enjoy the day.
After dinner we plays Cards Against Humanity. We have been playing this game on Christmas Eve for the past few years - after the kids go home. We laugh a lot. And sometimes we shock each other.
Tomorrow S#3 and her gang will arrive and we will have three days of chaos resulting in over-candied gingerbread cookies, and lots of lovely decorations.
I like it because it has become tradition. We need tradition.
How was your day?
Hoping you shared lots of love.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
still thinking
Hi Maggie,
My first night alone, with no kids in the house, I could not sleep. I was caught in the drama of playing doctor. Now I am calmer. I have released it enough to sleep, to be normal, to not dwell on it.
So it is time to find time with the parents. Most likely it will be after Thanksgiving, after S#3 and her brood go home...
I loved what you said...about shining Light in the corners...about not creating drama.
Thank you.
I have been thinking about discharging shame by luring others into it. I am more and more certain - absolutely certain - that one must be raped to be able to rape. So in this situation, I knew someone older had taught my grandchild - by example. And we are ashamed. Sometimes I am still ashamed, yet I did nothing wrong...
It is kind of like the bullshit we absorbed in Catholic school, we learned it to our very bones - to the depths of our consciousness, that being female meant we were bad. We were temptresses and it was our fault men touched us. We were taught to be ashamed by virtue of our very existence.
And either we drown in our shame or we discharge it. But it's hard to just live with it. We squash it down in one place and it pops up somewhere else, always someplace inconvenient.
I was thinking about how easy it is to instill shame into a whole population. One sick adult molests a couple of kids, who molest a couple of kids...and it grows exponentially until we have all been molested, and think it is a normal part of childhood...
Kids will be kids.
It's just kid stuff.
I thought it was normal. A guy I dated in college and I talked about it once...all kids play doctor. He was a psych major. We don't know what it is like to grow up in a place where sexuality is safeguarded allowing us to grow into vibrant, sexually healthy adults.
From the outside, I think your boss wanted to retire, philosophically. That was until it became real. Then I think, she panicked and realized she is not ready to let go. That may be why she has reacted so strongly to you, interpreting everything/anything as a move to displace her.
Have faith. Be calm. Watch for the lesson.
Love and hugs from Clare
My first night alone, with no kids in the house, I could not sleep. I was caught in the drama of playing doctor. Now I am calmer. I have released it enough to sleep, to be normal, to not dwell on it.
So it is time to find time with the parents. Most likely it will be after Thanksgiving, after S#3 and her brood go home...
I loved what you said...about shining Light in the corners...about not creating drama.
Thank you.
I have been thinking about discharging shame by luring others into it. I am more and more certain - absolutely certain - that one must be raped to be able to rape. So in this situation, I knew someone older had taught my grandchild - by example. And we are ashamed. Sometimes I am still ashamed, yet I did nothing wrong...
It is kind of like the bullshit we absorbed in Catholic school, we learned it to our very bones - to the depths of our consciousness, that being female meant we were bad. We were temptresses and it was our fault men touched us. We were taught to be ashamed by virtue of our very existence.
And either we drown in our shame or we discharge it. But it's hard to just live with it. We squash it down in one place and it pops up somewhere else, always someplace inconvenient.
I was thinking about how easy it is to instill shame into a whole population. One sick adult molests a couple of kids, who molest a couple of kids...and it grows exponentially until we have all been molested, and think it is a normal part of childhood...
Kids will be kids.
It's just kid stuff.
I thought it was normal. A guy I dated in college and I talked about it once...all kids play doctor. He was a psych major. We don't know what it is like to grow up in a place where sexuality is safeguarded allowing us to grow into vibrant, sexually healthy adults.
From the outside, I think your boss wanted to retire, philosophically. That was until it became real. Then I think, she panicked and realized she is not ready to let go. That may be why she has reacted so strongly to you, interpreting everything/anything as a move to displace her.
Have faith. Be calm. Watch for the lesson.
Love and hugs from Clare
Monday, November 21, 2016
Wow that's a lot of thoughts
Clare,
Wow, that's a lot of thoughts.
I applaud and support your intuitively asking if the older had been similarly treated. Most adults would not go there. I am not going to offer certainty in my answers.I would say continue the conversation when it opens again…with both children to hear their sense of this. I would find a time to discuss this with the parents…again letting the spirit guide your words…kind, compassionate words full of empathy. By shining Light onto the actions it takes away the 'badness'…you've made it safe total about and process. You've explained that it is not behavior that builds the other person up- it is the opposite, it diminishes them.
Don't react harshly.
Try to listen to hear their meaning and understanding of what transpired…words from the children, parents, and yourself.
This is exactly what shining the Light into dark corners means. Talking about it in a nonjudgemental way will not add to the drama. You have to check your own biases and lenses before you discuss this though- it is obviously a n emotionally charged subject. If your body physically felt pain you may be too reactive to speak. Give yourself time to figure it out.
You will handle it all right and good…
there is no perfect way.
I had an interesting lunch today. I thought my boss was going to confront me because she thinks I'm staging a coup against her leadership…I went prepared to respond without getting emotional. She sprig on the board president and myself that she thinks we're getting a big, 3 year contract so we can both work full time. I asked if she was willing to work 3 more years full time. She answered yes. What I really wanted to say was, "when did you decide you aren't ready to retire?" I'm so confused. ANyway at this point I go to a full time schedule as of Jan1. This is my first full time job since I was a resident in 1990. That's pretty funny. I still have no idea what the ____ is going on in this situation.
Life is continually challenging us.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wow, that's a lot of thoughts.
I applaud and support your intuitively asking if the older had been similarly treated. Most adults would not go there. I am not going to offer certainty in my answers.I would say continue the conversation when it opens again…with both children to hear their sense of this. I would find a time to discuss this with the parents…again letting the spirit guide your words…kind, compassionate words full of empathy. By shining Light onto the actions it takes away the 'badness'…you've made it safe total about and process. You've explained that it is not behavior that builds the other person up- it is the opposite, it diminishes them.
Don't react harshly.
Try to listen to hear their meaning and understanding of what transpired…words from the children, parents, and yourself.
This is exactly what shining the Light into dark corners means. Talking about it in a nonjudgemental way will not add to the drama. You have to check your own biases and lenses before you discuss this though- it is obviously a n emotionally charged subject. If your body physically felt pain you may be too reactive to speak. Give yourself time to figure it out.
You will handle it all right and good…
there is no perfect way.
I had an interesting lunch today. I thought my boss was going to confront me because she thinks I'm staging a coup against her leadership…I went prepared to respond without getting emotional. She sprig on the board president and myself that she thinks we're getting a big, 3 year contract so we can both work full time. I asked if she was willing to work 3 more years full time. She answered yes. What I really wanted to say was, "when did you decide you aren't ready to retire?" I'm so confused. ANyway at this point I go to a full time schedule as of Jan1. This is my first full time job since I was a resident in 1990. That's pretty funny. I still have no idea what the ____ is going on in this situation.
Life is continually challenging us.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, November 20, 2016
lots of thoughts...
Hi Maggie,
I have had some count of grandchildren here with me since Friday evening. I finally have a little quiet in my house. And I am watching it snow. I'm not always crazy about winter, but I do love to watch it snow.
I had a committee meeting here on Thursday night. A Friend gave me a safety pin to wear. I took it as a sign of good faith, to my spirit, to my soul, that I will not be paralyzed by fear. Our committee meeting ended early. People were exhausted. And people are still grieving. It made it a strange meeting. I was clerking and could not get a sense of the meeting. My co-clerk was urging us forward, moving in and trying to move me - which I accept because this is a very experienced clerk. But my co-clerk was shorter than usual. I am not always a confident clerk. But this meeting was especially confounding.
But we made it through.
Our meetinghouse is surrounded by six acres of land which has been dedicated as a nature preserve. The Friend who was the moving force behind this resigned from meeting, and since then it hasn't been kept us as it was. I had a leading that we should establish a permaculture site, for education - as we learn and establish it, then as an example once it is working.
And so I have been learning more. Our clerk asked me to write something, sort of an explanation/plan. I talked to him today and he asked me to write a little more.
I think he wanted more of an idea of what will happen. I got lost in the spirituality of it. It was fun.
I was going to reprise what I wrote, but I think I will copy and paste part of my email:
I have had some count of grandchildren here with me since Friday evening. I finally have a little quiet in my house. And I am watching it snow. I'm not always crazy about winter, but I do love to watch it snow.
I had a committee meeting here on Thursday night. A Friend gave me a safety pin to wear. I took it as a sign of good faith, to my spirit, to my soul, that I will not be paralyzed by fear. Our committee meeting ended early. People were exhausted. And people are still grieving. It made it a strange meeting. I was clerking and could not get a sense of the meeting. My co-clerk was urging us forward, moving in and trying to move me - which I accept because this is a very experienced clerk. But my co-clerk was shorter than usual. I am not always a confident clerk. But this meeting was especially confounding.
But we made it through.
Our meetinghouse is surrounded by six acres of land which has been dedicated as a nature preserve. The Friend who was the moving force behind this resigned from meeting, and since then it hasn't been kept us as it was. I had a leading that we should establish a permaculture site, for education - as we learn and establish it, then as an example once it is working.
And so I have been learning more. Our clerk asked me to write something, sort of an explanation/plan. I talked to him today and he asked me to write a little more.
I think he wanted more of an idea of what will happen. I got lost in the spirituality of it. It was fun.
I was going to reprise what I wrote, but I think I will copy and paste part of my email:
Permaculture
was named both for permanent + agriculture and permanent + culture. It
is a design system that leads us in how we interact with the world.
But it is also spiritual.
I
believe that many of the problems we have come from the patriarchal
view that we can own. We can own land and animals, we own our children.
We have to control the land, force it to produce. We have lost the
idea/ideal of stewardship, of preserving, of being part of the web
rather than enriching ourselves by grabbing as much of the web as
possible - and owning it. We have lost the idea of leaving it better
than we found it.
We
have lost our sense of belonging. I see this in so many ways in our
culture. And since we don't belong to the Earth, it doesn't bother us
to kill it.
This is spiritual. But it is also political.
I
am relieved, inspired by Pepe Mujika, by Pope Francis, and by Justin
Trudeau. We have a new generation of true leaders - just a glimmer of
Light, but it is true. These men understand that they serve the people,
they do not own the people. With Bernie Sanders, we had a chance to
join this new Light and help lead culture to a better, higher place. But
the powers that be were afraid. I think they are afraid of releasing
their wealth, and so they fearfully cling to the old ways of ownership.
They have no faith. They have redefined poverty to mean being locked
out, rather than understanding the flow of abundance. I think poverty
originally meant not having to own, having faith that what one needed
would be available.
The
pathologically greedy have stopped that flow. And they are afraid of
reestablishing it. And so we are falling backwards into fear.
So,
if the nation is unable to go forward, we do it. We become one shining
little spot where we work with nature, where we allow abundance to
occur, and where we share.
I
don't know what will happen. I don't know who is going to do all of the
work. I only believe that if we are supposed to do this, and we do it
with faithfulness, those who are supposed to work with us will appear.
And maybe some of them will find a home with us, and stay.
I have a lot of sympathy for my clerks. But they asked..
And then there's one other thing I want to hit you with. I have been a little lost in what to do...Two of my grandchildren, the 6 year old and the 3 year old were playing doctor. It got very quiet. Being an experienced mother/grandmother I knew that meant something was up. They were gone for less than 5 minutes. They were playing the kind of doctor where the younger had her pants down and the older did not. They kind of doctor where one was leaning against the door to keep the adults out.
I pushed the door open and the vulnerability of the younger hit my heart so hard. And the really weird thing is that my labia started to hurt, and ached for hours.
I told them to come out of the bathroom. I told the youngest that only her real doctor could be her doctor. That only parents and grandparents and real doctors could ask her to pull down her pants. I told her that anyone else who asked was doing something wrong. That she had to say no. She had to tell an adult who loved her.
She was pretty matter of fact. I don't know if she heard me or if she understood.
I asked the older if they noticed how much she trusted, how she did what was asked.
"Yes."
"Well, you betrayed her. She trusted you and you did something wrong to her."
Then it got a little hairy. I was staying extremely calm and matter of fact. I asked the older if anyone had ever done that to them.
Yes...Oh lord, I was shaking a little.
Who?
Head under a blanket, refusing to answer.
Yes...Oh lord, I was shaking a little.
Who?
Head under a blanket, refusing to answer.
"Do you trust me?"
"Was it an adult or a child?"
"An adult."
My mind was disintegrating. Everything hurt.
"Who?"
An older child...about 6 or 7 years older. His family is part of our social group, especially his parent's group.
"Do you know why he did it?"
"No."
"Because someone did it to him. But he was wrong. He did not have the right to touch you, to ask you to do this. Just like you did not have the right to do this to your cousin."
"When did it happen?"
"When I was 3 or 4."
"Is it still happening?"
"No."
Okay, it is over...or is it? I would lie. I lied to parents...I was ashamed. And you told me that when our former neighbors called Dad and told him what was going on in our old neighborhood, the boys lied. We all lie, because we are so very ashamed.
I have been turning and twisting in my mind. Is this a normal part of childhood? We have been led to believe it is. But I am not so sure. My grandchildren change clothes, casually, in front of each other. They have a very healthy attitude about nudity. So this wasn't like us and Mom's extreme fear of nudity. Getting changed has nothing to do with locking the adults out. That is a passing of shame down the line.
I have not told either set of parents. I think the kids understood my reaction - this was wrong. But did they? If I tell the parents, will they label the older? That is a huge fear. And if it becomes a drama, will it lead him to do this again? Stress relief... If it becomes a drama, will the older ever trust me again?
But the younger needs to hear from many sources, we do not share our genitalia with anyone. If anyone asks, it is always wrong.
I have read some speculation that the difference in ages determines whether it is molestation or not. I don't think so any more. I think whether or not the older child has ever been molested is what determines whether it is molestation or not.
Advice, sister. How far do I go with this? How do I make sure it does not become a drama? I am not sure if my Crone-trump card is strong enough. I want the older to understand that someone hurt them, and that this behavior can hurt someone else. But I don't want them to feel like they are bad...
I have been trapped in the past...
Sending love and hugs, and hoping for a life-line!!
Clare
Thursday, November 17, 2016
tough times
Clare,
I am considering wearing a safety pin…
in my ear.
Just to make people wonder about me.
I sometimes feel paralyzed by fear…
peritraumatic dissociation is the technical term.
It is a survival mechanism.
It is common.
It can manifest as daydreaming in some…
or multiple personality disorder in others (now known as dissociative identity disorder).
It is debilitating in some…
fugue states that last for extended periods of time.
I had one client who wandered in the woods for two weeks not knowing who she was or where she was after her father died….
she almost died.
Trauma is everywhere.
I had to sit with discomfort today. I asked for assistance with planning the future from the president of the board 2 weeks ago. He spoke with her about it and she took it as an insult and attack.
I wanted direction…
she felt I was pushing her out.
Why do women feel threatened by other women?
Why is it so hard to communicate with each other and understand what each is saying.
I try to listen to understand…
but do not feel understood.
A year ago I had not met this woman nor heard of this nonprofit. I was invited to work there- I did not ask for a job. One year later I am seen as someone competing for scarce resources and power. PArt of me wants to ditch and run…
part wants to prove I am right for the job and noncompetitive.
On similar but different front, I had a long conversation with the president of the board that I sit as vice president. I am unhappy with the process that the shelter uses to make decisions…
specifically the director tells the board what she wants and everyone nods "yes".
There are a few things that are important an I seem to be the only person paying attention. When I speak up I am met with a "what is the big deal" type of response. So I finally explained the 4.5 year history and why the process to those choices is important. She finally got it. She finally understood the board's role is to make decisions- not just agree with what is being done. I don't know if anything will change- except I was very clear that I was stepping down. She asked me to explain my point of view to the rest of the board and then see what their reaction is…then choose to stay or go. I thought I was free and clear…
and now I've got one more assignment.
Why is everything so tough right now? Why do I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall daily? It would be easier to stay home, make arts and crafts, play with the horses, cook and keep my house…
I just don't know.
We are being surrounded by bullies. I feel like they are all bullying each other behind the scenes. It is interesting to hear the stories coming out…Kushner fired Christie because Christie put Kushner's father in jail…
I'm afraid of the Bannon dude…he sounds like negative energy embodied in a human. I think I'm more afraid of his influence than I am of Trumps' ignorant, hateful rhetoric. I can only hope that he and Trump bump egos too many times and he's gone.
We can stick to Integrity, Intelligence, and Civility… my new mantra.
I actually have been asked to hold silence for several minutes during the thanksgiving service. No preparation necessary. I've also cried my way through songs at times…it can be very empowering to let the emotion move the song through you. What a great feeling that is.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am considering wearing a safety pin…
in my ear.
Just to make people wonder about me.
I sometimes feel paralyzed by fear…
peritraumatic dissociation is the technical term.
It is a survival mechanism.
It is common.
It can manifest as daydreaming in some…
or multiple personality disorder in others (now known as dissociative identity disorder).
It is debilitating in some…
fugue states that last for extended periods of time.
I had one client who wandered in the woods for two weeks not knowing who she was or where she was after her father died….
she almost died.
Trauma is everywhere.
I had to sit with discomfort today. I asked for assistance with planning the future from the president of the board 2 weeks ago. He spoke with her about it and she took it as an insult and attack.
I wanted direction…
she felt I was pushing her out.
Why do women feel threatened by other women?
Why is it so hard to communicate with each other and understand what each is saying.
I try to listen to understand…
but do not feel understood.
A year ago I had not met this woman nor heard of this nonprofit. I was invited to work there- I did not ask for a job. One year later I am seen as someone competing for scarce resources and power. PArt of me wants to ditch and run…
part wants to prove I am right for the job and noncompetitive.
On similar but different front, I had a long conversation with the president of the board that I sit as vice president. I am unhappy with the process that the shelter uses to make decisions…
specifically the director tells the board what she wants and everyone nods "yes".
There are a few things that are important an I seem to be the only person paying attention. When I speak up I am met with a "what is the big deal" type of response. So I finally explained the 4.5 year history and why the process to those choices is important. She finally got it. She finally understood the board's role is to make decisions- not just agree with what is being done. I don't know if anything will change- except I was very clear that I was stepping down. She asked me to explain my point of view to the rest of the board and then see what their reaction is…then choose to stay or go. I thought I was free and clear…
and now I've got one more assignment.
Why is everything so tough right now? Why do I feel as if I am banging my head against the wall daily? It would be easier to stay home, make arts and crafts, play with the horses, cook and keep my house…
I just don't know.
We are being surrounded by bullies. I feel like they are all bullying each other behind the scenes. It is interesting to hear the stories coming out…Kushner fired Christie because Christie put Kushner's father in jail…
I'm afraid of the Bannon dude…he sounds like negative energy embodied in a human. I think I'm more afraid of his influence than I am of Trumps' ignorant, hateful rhetoric. I can only hope that he and Trump bump egos too many times and he's gone.
We can stick to Integrity, Intelligence, and Civility… my new mantra.
I actually have been asked to hold silence for several minutes during the thanksgiving service. No preparation necessary. I've also cried my way through songs at times…it can be very empowering to let the emotion move the song through you. What a great feeling that is.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
paralyzed by fear
Hi Maggie,
So good to see/hear/meet you here. I definitely missed you. I understand being busy, though, and am happy that you are in the zone, doing amazing things.
Someone changed some of the words of 'Tis a Gift to Be Simple. Have you ever heard the version done by Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss? It is amazing. Just a quick story. A good friend asked me to sing at her wedding. I did a duet with another women, singing 'Tis a Gift in harmony. We were singing before about 125 guests, and doing well, when I made a mistake...a big mistake. I looked at the bride. And when I looked at her glowing face, and felt the joy streaming from her heart, I started to weep. And there was nothing I could do but keep singing, while weeping.
Afterwards, people told me it was touching. I learned an important lesson, though. Don't look at the bride until after singing, especially if it is someone very dear to your heart!
What is the point of your speech at the Interfaith Council? That will help generate some ideas.
I have been thinking about trauma, experiencing trauma, being formed by trauma, developing our coping mechanisms.
One of mine, and I think of many people, is to freeze. Prey animals do this all the time. If there is a predator, freeze and hope they don't see you.
I think, for me I know, that this freeze strategy expands and moves into most of my life. Be quiet, don't attract attention. This is part of the why do I hide questions I have been wrestling with, I suppose.
But today I stated a phrase that has been resounding ever since...Paralyzed by fear.
I remember Dad bullying Grammy's best friend, who became our surrogate grandma for years. We froze. In the face of the bully, we all learned to be quiet and wait for the abuse to end. Then we go on as if nothing happened.
Our country is now in the hands of bullies. Watching Trump mimic a handicapped reporter once again, watching him think he was funny, breaks my heart. Most of us outgrew this cruelty by the time we were in middle school. Hearing him brag about assaulting women, knowing I am nothing but a dog or a pig to him - not even human, knowing my daughter is simply something he can grab...it frightens me, it hurts, it makes me furious.
But I am paralyzed by fear. Am I paralyzed by fear?
I think I am too busy. I think there is nothing I can do. But really, am I paralyzed in the face of bullies. Because the men he is choosing for his cabinet, his vice president...more bullies, more arrogant, entitled, rich white guys.
Is this the point of the systemized violence of our culture? Is it to render us paralyzed, unable to think, unable to react, leaving us simply ashamed at the end, because once again, we allowed someone mean to be mean?
People are starting to wear safety pins, indicating that they are safe. But does it mean anything? Will any of these people stand with a person being bullied.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke
I saw something that said if this administration starts requiring Muslims to register with the government, the first 800 people had better be white. Will I do that?
Should I get a safety pin?
The struggle continues.
Love and hugs from Clare
So good to see/hear/meet you here. I definitely missed you. I understand being busy, though, and am happy that you are in the zone, doing amazing things.
Someone changed some of the words of 'Tis a Gift to Be Simple. Have you ever heard the version done by Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss? It is amazing. Just a quick story. A good friend asked me to sing at her wedding. I did a duet with another women, singing 'Tis a Gift in harmony. We were singing before about 125 guests, and doing well, when I made a mistake...a big mistake. I looked at the bride. And when I looked at her glowing face, and felt the joy streaming from her heart, I started to weep. And there was nothing I could do but keep singing, while weeping.
Afterwards, people told me it was touching. I learned an important lesson, though. Don't look at the bride until after singing, especially if it is someone very dear to your heart!
What is the point of your speech at the Interfaith Council? That will help generate some ideas.
I have been thinking about trauma, experiencing trauma, being formed by trauma, developing our coping mechanisms.
One of mine, and I think of many people, is to freeze. Prey animals do this all the time. If there is a predator, freeze and hope they don't see you.
I think, for me I know, that this freeze strategy expands and moves into most of my life. Be quiet, don't attract attention. This is part of the why do I hide questions I have been wrestling with, I suppose.
But today I stated a phrase that has been resounding ever since...Paralyzed by fear.
I remember Dad bullying Grammy's best friend, who became our surrogate grandma for years. We froze. In the face of the bully, we all learned to be quiet and wait for the abuse to end. Then we go on as if nothing happened.
Our country is now in the hands of bullies. Watching Trump mimic a handicapped reporter once again, watching him think he was funny, breaks my heart. Most of us outgrew this cruelty by the time we were in middle school. Hearing him brag about assaulting women, knowing I am nothing but a dog or a pig to him - not even human, knowing my daughter is simply something he can grab...it frightens me, it hurts, it makes me furious.
But I am paralyzed by fear. Am I paralyzed by fear?
I think I am too busy. I think there is nothing I can do. But really, am I paralyzed in the face of bullies. Because the men he is choosing for his cabinet, his vice president...more bullies, more arrogant, entitled, rich white guys.
Is this the point of the systemized violence of our culture? Is it to render us paralyzed, unable to think, unable to react, leaving us simply ashamed at the end, because once again, we allowed someone mean to be mean?
People are starting to wear safety pins, indicating that they are safe. But does it mean anything? Will any of these people stand with a person being bullied.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke
I saw something that said if this administration starts requiring Muslims to register with the government, the first 800 people had better be white. Will I do that?
Should I get a safety pin?
The struggle continues.
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
I choose kindness
Clare,
It has been an unsettling week. I am dismayed that hatred has been unleashed in this country and the world. I still believe that peace and love are stronger…subtler…more stable.
What a re-action to 8 years of good leadership from a black (half black) man…
I think we underestimated the extent of threat felt by all of those white men…and women.
we greatly underestimated it.
Sunday at Meeting a man stood and sang:
'tis a gift to be patient...
'tis a gift to be kind…
'tis a gift to wait to hear the others' mind.
The verse went on…and I cannot remember the words, but that line has stayed with me.
I added a Mother Theresa Quote…
It has been an unsettling week. I am dismayed that hatred has been unleashed in this country and the world. I still believe that peace and love are stronger…subtler…more stable.
What a re-action to 8 years of good leadership from a black (half black) man…
I think we underestimated the extent of threat felt by all of those white men…and women.
we greatly underestimated it.
Sunday at Meeting a man stood and sang:
'tis a gift to be patient...
'tis a gift to be kind…
'tis a gift to wait to hear the others' mind.
The verse went on…and I cannot remember the words, but that line has stayed with me.
I added a Mother Theresa Quote…
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
I made a brief sentence about Quaker integrity making a mark at this time.
It felt right…
I have been working harder at preparing for the trauma seminar…
and my trauma work…
trying hard to be kind.
One of my students asked me if I felt safe…
she is a survivor of abuse and feels unsafe.
I told her that I refuse to give my power over to a bully.
I suggested that she find several safe people to be with…
for loving support and stability.
I also believe that, as social workers, we are the ones to stand with the vulnerable. Each adversity t=is an opportunity for something to grow. Perhaps the responsibility for caring for each other will become more personal since we will not have a supportive government. Kindness cannot be legislated in, or out of life. I plan to be kind. I choose kindness. That's all that I can do.
I have to speak at an interfaith, Thanksgiving eve gathering next week…
I have no idea what I'm going to read or say…
any quotes that you have would be much appreciated.
Thanks for keeping track of me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, November 13, 2016
water
Hi Maggie,
So Leonard Cohen is gone, and now Leon Russel. I loved listening to him in high school. I have him on in the background..."When my life is over, and we remember our time together..." He spent time with so many of us...
I spent lots of time outside today. It finally feels like I can breathe deeply.
I didn't prune my privet last year. My son left his loppers here for me this morning when he picked up his kids. Remember when I was in high school, and you and the girls were young, and Dad asked me to cut everyone's hair...and I did? Yeah, that's kind of what my privet looks like now.
Later this week, I have to go after the wild roses and wild raspberries.
I have been thinking about this world, and how we are about to change, and what we can do...
Everyone is sporting safety pins now...indicating that we are each a safe person to come to if being abused or bullied. Is it just a cool symbol, or will we actually begin to speak up? If we don't actually speak up, we are going down. I see so much fear on the social media. And it is warranted.
Am I brave enough to speak up? I don't know. But I do think I am brave enough to silently stand with someone, to make a statement that they are not alone.
So many people are focused on this, that we are possibly overlooking my greatest fear...
The new leadership wants to go back to clean coal...mountaintop removal breaks my heart...and to emphasize fossil fuels, to develop every avenue possible.
I read on social media, in an article about the Dakota Access Pipeline, that Trump is invested in the company that is pushing the pipeline. Will this be conflict of interest? Or politics as usual, but so in our faces that we really have to try hard to not see it?
What can we do? My first step is to redouble my efforts not to use plastic. It is the easiest way I can think of to cut my use of fossil fuels. Not driving does have some moral benefits...
I don't understand why people don't understand...we can live without money...it is difficult, not fun, but doable...but we can not, absolutely not, survive without clean water.
So...now what...???
At least our souls are starting to breathe again!
Love and hugs from Clare
So Leonard Cohen is gone, and now Leon Russel. I loved listening to him in high school. I have him on in the background..."When my life is over, and we remember our time together..." He spent time with so many of us...
I spent lots of time outside today. It finally feels like I can breathe deeply.
I didn't prune my privet last year. My son left his loppers here for me this morning when he picked up his kids. Remember when I was in high school, and you and the girls were young, and Dad asked me to cut everyone's hair...and I did? Yeah, that's kind of what my privet looks like now.
Later this week, I have to go after the wild roses and wild raspberries.
I have been thinking about this world, and how we are about to change, and what we can do...
Everyone is sporting safety pins now...indicating that we are each a safe person to come to if being abused or bullied. Is it just a cool symbol, or will we actually begin to speak up? If we don't actually speak up, we are going down. I see so much fear on the social media. And it is warranted.
Am I brave enough to speak up? I don't know. But I do think I am brave enough to silently stand with someone, to make a statement that they are not alone.
So many people are focused on this, that we are possibly overlooking my greatest fear...
The new leadership wants to go back to clean coal...mountaintop removal breaks my heart...and to emphasize fossil fuels, to develop every avenue possible.
I read on social media, in an article about the Dakota Access Pipeline, that Trump is invested in the company that is pushing the pipeline. Will this be conflict of interest? Or politics as usual, but so in our faces that we really have to try hard to not see it?
What can we do? My first step is to redouble my efforts not to use plastic. It is the easiest way I can think of to cut my use of fossil fuels. Not driving does have some moral benefits...
I don't understand why people don't understand...we can live without money...it is difficult, not fun, but doable...but we can not, absolutely not, survive without clean water.
So...now what...???
At least our souls are starting to breathe again!
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
cry a little
Hi Maggie,
Our next leader will be a rapist. Someone who thinks it is okay to grab a pussy. I don't feel safe...well, I have never felt safe, but now it is worse than before. But, he would call me a dog, or probably a pig anyway...
I know I am focused on one aspect here...on the man who is facing a civil trial for raping a 13 year old girl next month. I don't know how to not be here, though. I don't know how to find the attributes that many of my fellow Americans see in him. I don't know how to see the world through their eyes.
Crazy thought today - could the northeast secede and join Canada? And more seriously, how do we repeal the electoral college. It is just too easy to influence an election.
My neighbor was only 42. The medics said he was dead before he hit the floor. It was quick and painless for him. But it is very hard on those he left behind.
My daughter told her daughter about the death today. My granddaughter said our neighbor went to the moon to be with his dog, Junior, who died about a year and a half ago.She said people who have to die go to the moon, so they can sit and watch the people they love down here.
And she cried a little.
That's all I can think today...
Love and hugs from Clare
Our next leader will be a rapist. Someone who thinks it is okay to grab a pussy. I don't feel safe...well, I have never felt safe, but now it is worse than before. But, he would call me a dog, or probably a pig anyway...
I know I am focused on one aspect here...on the man who is facing a civil trial for raping a 13 year old girl next month. I don't know how to not be here, though. I don't know how to find the attributes that many of my fellow Americans see in him. I don't know how to see the world through their eyes.
Crazy thought today - could the northeast secede and join Canada? And more seriously, how do we repeal the electoral college. It is just too easy to influence an election.
My neighbor was only 42. The medics said he was dead before he hit the floor. It was quick and painless for him. But it is very hard on those he left behind.
My daughter told her daughter about the death today. My granddaughter said our neighbor went to the moon to be with his dog, Junior, who died about a year and a half ago.She said people who have to die go to the moon, so they can sit and watch the people they love down here.
And she cried a little.
That's all I can think today...
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
unsettled
Clare,
I'm so very sorry about your neighbor's death. I do hope that it was quick and painless.
A few years ago, I was in regular correspondence with my first love…
he would tell me all go the unhealthy choices he made…
diet, no exercise- except in intense spurts, alcohol, extensive travel, stress…
I asked him if he was committing suicide in a way that no one would blame him for.
He was taken aback…
but later admitted that maybe it was true…
at least partially.
Many people are making unhealthy choices, for stress relief or comfort or as a big F you to the universe, on a regular basis. I think that deep down they want to numb- not die. At least that's what I choose to believe.
I had emails with our cousin today- the one with the breast cancer right before mine. She was asking for more details about who is + for the mutation and who has been tested. It is frightening to see the penetration of this mutation in our family. I also asked her if she knew of any communication of this information to Mama's oldest sister's family…she was going to have her dad take care of it.
She told me that she is being screen for colon and thyroid cancers regularly. I have to find out about the thyroid screenings at my next visit.
Today is unsettling. The political climate is so disturbing.
I am thankful that this focus on the negative will soon be behind us…
hopefully.
I hope it does stop…
but a portion of the population has been unbridled and they may not want to be politically correct ever again.
I 'm holding all of us in the Light.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm so very sorry about your neighbor's death. I do hope that it was quick and painless.
A few years ago, I was in regular correspondence with my first love…
he would tell me all go the unhealthy choices he made…
diet, no exercise- except in intense spurts, alcohol, extensive travel, stress…
I asked him if he was committing suicide in a way that no one would blame him for.
He was taken aback…
but later admitted that maybe it was true…
at least partially.
Many people are making unhealthy choices, for stress relief or comfort or as a big F you to the universe, on a regular basis. I think that deep down they want to numb- not die. At least that's what I choose to believe.
I had emails with our cousin today- the one with the breast cancer right before mine. She was asking for more details about who is + for the mutation and who has been tested. It is frightening to see the penetration of this mutation in our family. I also asked her if she knew of any communication of this information to Mama's oldest sister's family…she was going to have her dad take care of it.
She told me that she is being screen for colon and thyroid cancers regularly. I have to find out about the thyroid screenings at my next visit.
Today is unsettling. The political climate is so disturbing.
I am thankful that this focus on the negative will soon be behind us…
hopefully.
I hope it does stop…
but a portion of the population has been unbridled and they may not want to be politically correct ever again.
I 'm holding all of us in the Light.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, November 7, 2016
maybes
Hi Maggie,
Trying to herd my kids into Thanksgiving commitments and so far 2.5 of the 4 that live close have commitments to in-laws. One couple may split and one would come here here, one goes to the other fam, and the fourth of the local kids has not answered the phone or replied...My youngest and her love and the babe want to have dinner with me the night before, so we can spend time together. Someone suggested family feast the weekend before or after. But hunting season takes priority, I think.
A few years ago I spent Christmas Day with my ex, because we had the same situation. What if something like that happens again?
Why do we put so much emphasis on holidays, and believe miracles have to happen on the exact date?
Sigh..........
I have been thinking about life and death a lot...of course...and slow-mo suicide. And why I need to hide from life.
Why be here and hide? Why am I afraid to be seen.
I had some answers, but they are escaping my brain for the moment...I will try to round them up and share...
But I was messaging with S#5 and she mentioned a 39 mile walk for breast cancer that she has always wanted to do. It is done in 2 or 3 days. Three days, I could probably do. She is thinking maybe in 2018. It seems within the realm of possibility for me.
Maybe...
Love and hugs from Clare
Trying to herd my kids into Thanksgiving commitments and so far 2.5 of the 4 that live close have commitments to in-laws. One couple may split and one would come here here, one goes to the other fam, and the fourth of the local kids has not answered the phone or replied...My youngest and her love and the babe want to have dinner with me the night before, so we can spend time together. Someone suggested family feast the weekend before or after. But hunting season takes priority, I think.
A few years ago I spent Christmas Day with my ex, because we had the same situation. What if something like that happens again?
Why do we put so much emphasis on holidays, and believe miracles have to happen on the exact date?
Sigh..........
I have been thinking about life and death a lot...of course...and slow-mo suicide. And why I need to hide from life.
Why be here and hide? Why am I afraid to be seen.
I had some answers, but they are escaping my brain for the moment...I will try to round them up and share...
But I was messaging with S#5 and she mentioned a 39 mile walk for breast cancer that she has always wanted to do. It is done in 2 or 3 days. Three days, I could probably do. She is thinking maybe in 2018. It seems within the realm of possibility for me.
Maybe...
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, November 6, 2016
death surrounds us
Hi Maggie,
It's one of my favorite days. I want to go to bed early, and I know tomorrow will feel like sleeping in. For a few days, I will be well-rested!
A few months ago I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. It was good in theory, but the arrangement was absolutely not practical. So today, I ripped everything apart and moved it into another, never yet tried before pattern. In the process, Grammy's wedding picture - from her second wedding - suddenly appeared. It amazed me. I showed my granddaughter who was relatively uninterested, in the face of all the other treasures that were being uncovered. I told her she should look, because I really loved her.
Synchronicity...I really love it!!
If you slow cooked the rice in milk, that was Grandma's recipe. I remember living with Grammy. She was such a matriarch. She kept everyone smooth and together. She was my idol in so many ways. It took many more years for me to realize how much I also loved and looked up to Grandma.
I have so many silly little memories. She was peeling apples for apple pie after school, in a rocking chair, watching Tarzan...feeding us peels.
But also, when she decided to convert to Catholicism, she had a spiritual encounter with the Blessed Mother which impacted her a lot. I may have her written description of what happened. If I remember the rest, her parents refused to attend her wedding because it was Catholic...
Last night my neighbor's life changed in one heartbeat...it was the last. Another death. He had a massive heart attack. His girlfriend said she heard him fall, and they think he was gone before he hit the floor. He was only in his 40s. But he was heavy and a heavy drinker.
He was one of the grandparental figures in my grandaughter's life.
And coincidentally, as I kept her all day so her mama, who was not supposed to be out and about yet, could support the girlfriend who she is close to, she brought up death. (Quite a run-on sentence for an English teacher!)
I had mentioned that my old dog was getting very weak, and would probably die soon. My granddaughter said she did not want the dog to die, that she wanted to be able to play with her forever. I explained that everyone, everything dies. She asked why. I tried to explain that our bodies get tired, or sometimes something happens and the body can not keep going.
I was not sure what kind of language my daughter wants to use, and so I didn't say anything.
I am being so superstitious and wondering who the third will be...I remember when Aunt S. died. One week later Grammy left us, and a week later it was Uncle R. Then about a dozen years later my mother-in-law's father died. One week later, on Christmas Eve, her mother died. About ten days after that it was Pop. I know death does not always come in threes, but I still wait for the third...
Because of the surgery, I had my granddaughter all weekend. We spent all day at meetinghouse yesterday, baking bread. She learned to knead bread. She said she wished she could spend every day with me. Just as an aside, she began attending half day school five days a week about two weeks ago. I asked her what about school. She said, "I really don't like being alone." I mentioned the names of some of her regular playmates, and a favorite teacher. She said, "Yeah. But I'm not with Mommy."
I started thinking about the ways we institutionalize our babies. Now she is being enculturated to replace family with peer group. And she knows it is wrong. And she is mourning.
I felt so sad...
Back to thinking about my neighbor. His girlfriend said he was lying to his doctor about how much he was drinking, about what he was eating. All of his choices were really suicidal.
I make suicidal choices every day, yet I say I want to live to be an old, old crone.
Do I really?????
Love and hugs from Clare
It's one of my favorite days. I want to go to bed early, and I know tomorrow will feel like sleeping in. For a few days, I will be well-rested!
A few months ago I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. It was good in theory, but the arrangement was absolutely not practical. So today, I ripped everything apart and moved it into another, never yet tried before pattern. In the process, Grammy's wedding picture - from her second wedding - suddenly appeared. It amazed me. I showed my granddaughter who was relatively uninterested, in the face of all the other treasures that were being uncovered. I told her she should look, because I really loved her.
Synchronicity...I really love it!!
If you slow cooked the rice in milk, that was Grandma's recipe. I remember living with Grammy. She was such a matriarch. She kept everyone smooth and together. She was my idol in so many ways. It took many more years for me to realize how much I also loved and looked up to Grandma.
I have so many silly little memories. She was peeling apples for apple pie after school, in a rocking chair, watching Tarzan...feeding us peels.
But also, when she decided to convert to Catholicism, she had a spiritual encounter with the Blessed Mother which impacted her a lot. I may have her written description of what happened. If I remember the rest, her parents refused to attend her wedding because it was Catholic...
Last night my neighbor's life changed in one heartbeat...it was the last. Another death. He had a massive heart attack. His girlfriend said she heard him fall, and they think he was gone before he hit the floor. He was only in his 40s. But he was heavy and a heavy drinker.
He was one of the grandparental figures in my grandaughter's life.
And coincidentally, as I kept her all day so her mama, who was not supposed to be out and about yet, could support the girlfriend who she is close to, she brought up death. (Quite a run-on sentence for an English teacher!)
I had mentioned that my old dog was getting very weak, and would probably die soon. My granddaughter said she did not want the dog to die, that she wanted to be able to play with her forever. I explained that everyone, everything dies. She asked why. I tried to explain that our bodies get tired, or sometimes something happens and the body can not keep going.
I was not sure what kind of language my daughter wants to use, and so I didn't say anything.
I am being so superstitious and wondering who the third will be...I remember when Aunt S. died. One week later Grammy left us, and a week later it was Uncle R. Then about a dozen years later my mother-in-law's father died. One week later, on Christmas Eve, her mother died. About ten days after that it was Pop. I know death does not always come in threes, but I still wait for the third...
Because of the surgery, I had my granddaughter all weekend. We spent all day at meetinghouse yesterday, baking bread. She learned to knead bread. She said she wished she could spend every day with me. Just as an aside, she began attending half day school five days a week about two weeks ago. I asked her what about school. She said, "I really don't like being alone." I mentioned the names of some of her regular playmates, and a favorite teacher. She said, "Yeah. But I'm not with Mommy."
I started thinking about the ways we institutionalize our babies. Now she is being enculturated to replace family with peer group. And she knows it is wrong. And she is mourning.
I felt so sad...
Back to thinking about my neighbor. His girlfriend said he was lying to his doctor about how much he was drinking, about what he was eating. All of his choices were really suicidal.
I make suicidal choices every day, yet I say I want to live to be an old, old crone.
Do I really?????
Love and hugs from Clare
Grammy
Clare,
I am thinking a lot about Grammy. You posted the Sami picture on social media.
Yesterday I made rice pudding…
the old fashioned recipe that takes 2.5 hours to cook…
I'm not even sure if that was Grammy's recipe, or Grandma's…
but I'm thinking about Grammy.
I remember the sense of love and warmth when she visited. I don't remember her ever living with us, as you probably do. I do remember her hugs when she arrived. They were so complete and safe…
that's how it feels to me from 54 years' perspective.
I don't remember any specific conversations with her. I can remember the party at Mama's youngest sister's home, eating corn on the cob, and Grammy getting gob of soft butter on the tip of her nose…
she laughed and laughed.
She seemed so happy…
and yet, at her funeral the great aunts and her friends talked about what a saint she was…
all of the trials she endured…
the alcoholic husband…
living for so long on her own…
working as a nurse at the state hospital.
I appreciate how complex our lives are and how, even more, complex our personalities have to be.
Was she a healed person, living an enlightened, loving, full life?
Was she a great actress hiding the pain inside and laughing on the outside?
I wish I knew her better. I do remember feeling so jealous that she lived with our California cousins. I wanted to see her all the time. I wanted that sense of love and belonging that she radiated. But her visits were special.
She remarried at 67…after a long widowhood.
I remember thinking how strange it is to marry as an old woman. Now I'm not that far from 67 and understand her love and desire for companionship. She really wasn't that old. I think it was the fact that she had several heart attacks and being overweight made me consider her old, elderly. It's funny how our perspectives on age change.
I miss her. I should ask me reiki healer to connect me to see what this remembrance is all about.
The last time I "connected" with Grammy was many years ago…
probably 18 or so. I was ranting in my mind about Mama…
not coming to help when my youngest was going to be born. Honestly blaming the choice on Papa, but holding Mama in the fire of my anger too. I got this loud, low pitched tone in my right ear. It was just a monotone- but my mind deciphered it as grammy asking me to "be kind, you don't understand what she's lived through"…
you can imagine my reaction…
embarrassment, denial- I wasn't that mean, sadness, resignation- this is my life and maternal relationship, and joy that she had reached past the veil to me.
I have to get ready for Meeting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am thinking a lot about Grammy. You posted the Sami picture on social media.
Yesterday I made rice pudding…
the old fashioned recipe that takes 2.5 hours to cook…
I'm not even sure if that was Grammy's recipe, or Grandma's…
but I'm thinking about Grammy.
I remember the sense of love and warmth when she visited. I don't remember her ever living with us, as you probably do. I do remember her hugs when she arrived. They were so complete and safe…
that's how it feels to me from 54 years' perspective.
I don't remember any specific conversations with her. I can remember the party at Mama's youngest sister's home, eating corn on the cob, and Grammy getting gob of soft butter on the tip of her nose…
she laughed and laughed.
She seemed so happy…
and yet, at her funeral the great aunts and her friends talked about what a saint she was…
all of the trials she endured…
the alcoholic husband…
living for so long on her own…
working as a nurse at the state hospital.
I appreciate how complex our lives are and how, even more, complex our personalities have to be.
Was she a healed person, living an enlightened, loving, full life?
Was she a great actress hiding the pain inside and laughing on the outside?
I wish I knew her better. I do remember feeling so jealous that she lived with our California cousins. I wanted to see her all the time. I wanted that sense of love and belonging that she radiated. But her visits were special.
She remarried at 67…after a long widowhood.
I remember thinking how strange it is to marry as an old woman. Now I'm not that far from 67 and understand her love and desire for companionship. She really wasn't that old. I think it was the fact that she had several heart attacks and being overweight made me consider her old, elderly. It's funny how our perspectives on age change.
I miss her. I should ask me reiki healer to connect me to see what this remembrance is all about.
The last time I "connected" with Grammy was many years ago…
probably 18 or so. I was ranting in my mind about Mama…
not coming to help when my youngest was going to be born. Honestly blaming the choice on Papa, but holding Mama in the fire of my anger too. I got this loud, low pitched tone in my right ear. It was just a monotone- but my mind deciphered it as grammy asking me to "be kind, you don't understand what she's lived through"…
you can imagine my reaction…
embarrassment, denial- I wasn't that mean, sadness, resignation- this is my life and maternal relationship, and joy that she had reached past the veil to me.
I have to get ready for Meeting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, November 3, 2016
allostasis
Clare,
The interesting thing is that life changes with every heartbeat. We cling to status quo and ignore reality…
everything changes constantly…
homeostasis…
allostasis.
Allostasis…that's a word to answer your question about why some quit while others push ahead.
It's the concept that once things get unbalanced…
dysequilibrium…
there is more than one way back to homeostasis…
balance…
which is a dynamic, constantly changing state.
That is amazingly sad. Young life is so precious…
and loss of a young life is difficult to come to terms with.
Maybe your daughter should come and stay at your house for 2 days to ice, heal, be with her babe, and get a break from the trauma…
perhaps a few days away is a way forward for everyone.
I am frustrated with life…
which means I am getting ready for a big change…
I feel like something is going to open…
it's like a pregnancy that is ready to deliver.
So many bits of my life are not working right now…
stagnant…
contentious…
stuck…
I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I do know that something has to change. I cannot continue frustrated.
I took my youngest in for allergy testing today…
his back looked like one contiguous hive after they were done. He was so uncomfortable. He's decided to agree to allergy shots. They had to test to decide what to put into the serum…
or, in his case, what to leave out since he was allergic to almost everything.
Hopefully this will help.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The interesting thing is that life changes with every heartbeat. We cling to status quo and ignore reality…
everything changes constantly…
homeostasis…
allostasis.
Allostasis…that's a word to answer your question about why some quit while others push ahead.
It's the concept that once things get unbalanced…
dysequilibrium…
there is more than one way back to homeostasis…
balance…
which is a dynamic, constantly changing state.
That is amazingly sad. Young life is so precious…
and loss of a young life is difficult to come to terms with.
Maybe your daughter should come and stay at your house for 2 days to ice, heal, be with her babe, and get a break from the trauma…
perhaps a few days away is a way forward for everyone.
I am frustrated with life…
which means I am getting ready for a big change…
I feel like something is going to open…
it's like a pregnancy that is ready to deliver.
So many bits of my life are not working right now…
stagnant…
contentious…
stuck…
I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I do know that something has to change. I cannot continue frustrated.
I took my youngest in for allergy testing today…
his back looked like one contiguous hive after they were done. He was so uncomfortable. He's decided to agree to allergy shots. They had to test to decide what to put into the serum…
or, in his case, what to leave out since he was allergic to almost everything.
Hopefully this will help.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
in a heartbeat
Hi Sister,
Halloween is gone and we are sliding into my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving. I love celebrating something as ancient as a harvest festival. I love the simplicity of no decorations, no gifts, just time together.
My daughter has surgery on Friday. My neighbor told me two years ago, when she had the first surgery, that she would need one more surgery, then everything would be fine. So I have been expecting this. But my baby is getting nervous. I don't blame her.
I will have her baby from the end of work on Friday, until Sunday evening, so Mama can have a few days of ice and rest. I know it is a little too long for the babe, but she will be okay.
My daughter's boyfriend's father has three rentals on the property where my daughter lives. She and her family live in the downstairs apartment of a house. A young couple moved in upstairs this weekend. Yesterday the young man committed suicide.
My daughter is feeling unsettled. She is wondering if she had been friendlier, would it be different? I suggested she start being friendlier in honor of this young man.
He had just found out his girlfriend was pregnant.
He was younger than my daughter.
He was too young to know life puts tough situations in front of us, but also gives us doors and windows for others to help, and for us to get a break. He was too young to know it would be okay.
He was too young.
So, why do some of us want to survive no matter what, and some of us just give up when life presents something that seems unsolvable.
My daughter was also angry that this young man is gone, and he left a young woman alone with a baby to face the trauma of his death, as well as life with a baby. He left her father-in-law traumatized, because he found the body. He left my daughter unsettled, because he killed himself in her house. He affected a lot of people, and then he's gone...
I told her we are all feeling a little unsettled because when death comes that close to us, it reminds us to look at our life and see the good that surrounds us. Because a brush with death also reminds us that everything can change in a heartbeat!
In gratitude,
And with love and hugs,
Clare
Halloween is gone and we are sliding into my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving. I love celebrating something as ancient as a harvest festival. I love the simplicity of no decorations, no gifts, just time together.
My daughter has surgery on Friday. My neighbor told me two years ago, when she had the first surgery, that she would need one more surgery, then everything would be fine. So I have been expecting this. But my baby is getting nervous. I don't blame her.
I will have her baby from the end of work on Friday, until Sunday evening, so Mama can have a few days of ice and rest. I know it is a little too long for the babe, but she will be okay.
My daughter's boyfriend's father has three rentals on the property where my daughter lives. She and her family live in the downstairs apartment of a house. A young couple moved in upstairs this weekend. Yesterday the young man committed suicide.
My daughter is feeling unsettled. She is wondering if she had been friendlier, would it be different? I suggested she start being friendlier in honor of this young man.
He had just found out his girlfriend was pregnant.
He was younger than my daughter.
He was too young to know life puts tough situations in front of us, but also gives us doors and windows for others to help, and for us to get a break. He was too young to know it would be okay.
He was too young.
So, why do some of us want to survive no matter what, and some of us just give up when life presents something that seems unsolvable.
My daughter was also angry that this young man is gone, and he left a young woman alone with a baby to face the trauma of his death, as well as life with a baby. He left her father-in-law traumatized, because he found the body. He left my daughter unsettled, because he killed himself in her house. He affected a lot of people, and then he's gone...
I told her we are all feeling a little unsettled because when death comes that close to us, it reminds us to look at our life and see the good that surrounds us. Because a brush with death also reminds us that everything can change in a heartbeat!
In gratitude,
And with love and hugs,
Clare
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