sister-worries

Good morning Sister,

I am so tired, I may go take a nap after I write this.  I almost never take naps.  If I do, usually I am sick.  This exhaustion is pretty extreme!

I have been thinking about victimhood, and how we get past it...and why it is so strong.  I actually had a talk about ego, and ways to detach, I suppose, with a man from Italy this week. It all sort of ties together.
 
Probably my best teacher was my estranged husband.  He completely identifies as victim. He dwells on physical violence from his father, emotional and psychological control from his mom...his lack of being safe, from his lack of being accepted and acceptable in general.  This pain is why he began drinking at age 19. Now he needs to drink.  His body is addicted, and so he has to protect that.  And he protects it by being the victim...by focusing on all the wrongs dealt out to him. Of course, I am now part of his treasured memories he uses to justify his addiction.  In his story, I kicked him out and denied him his children.

In my scenario, I talked ad nauseum about the effects of alcoholism on our family and eventually delivered the ultimatum - get some sort of counseling, or the marriage ends.  He did not choose us. We went to a mediator. Our agreement was that he could have the kids as often as he wanted for as long as he wanted.  He called once every three or four months, we saw them once or twice a year.

But part of victimhood is never seeing that you are half of what happens.  One can only maintain the illusion of victimhood by never seeing that sometimes you are the victimizer.

When I went through Al Anon, identifying some of what happened to me in our family of origin, and continuing through my life into marriage, was painful. I didn't remember some of the ways people hurt me.  I used my addictions - wheat, sugar, chocolate, escaping into books, depressions - an ultimate escape - to narrow my vision, to only see how I had been hurt.  But the next part was worse.  I had to step back from my safe place in my sugar-induced balance and see the larger view, to see how I hurt others...to remember how I talked to my siblings, the violence of our home that I helped maintain, all the way to recognizing the monster I became when I wigged out on my children - who did not deserve it.

We need that balance to step out of the game.

You said being a victim may be excruciating, but I think seeing the whole picture is even more excruciating...I think we are afraid that we will not survive the pain of walking through that half. But by walking through that half, maybe that's how we learn grace is real.

And I propose, that maybe, just maybe you did not find the perfect job accidentally. Maybe, despite your struggles, beneath it in truth, you were in your green chakra, having faith that the universe would place where you needed to be...

I will hold S#4 in the Light.  I really think S#3 needs it too.  I am a little worried about her. She said she has had three horrific weeks at work. They keep dumping more on her, because she is one of us - she smiles and does a great job, and makes it look easy.  The pain is so deep, so well hidden beneath smiles, people who don't want to see it, simply don't. 

But her job, added to the fact that she takes most of the responsibility for her grandchildren is getting to be too much.  I could almost feel pain and stress reaching out of her. She felt ripe, ready to burst.  Twice I took her away with me, and her grandson cried. He can not stand to be away from her.  After some of the things that have happened to him, I understand.  But she needs to be able to walk away for a least a few minutes.

My youngest's best friend from childhood is visiting.  She is one of my non-bio kids, kids who just moved in and became part of the family, who wanted to be one of my kids. She has two kids - at home...there is an abusive relationship there, and the boyfriend would not allow her to bring their children, fearing she would not come home.  Anyway, S#3's granddaughter was doing something naughty, and this young mother told her to stop. She was shocked, but she stopped.  I realized that this young mom has the "mom-voice". I have it, my daughter has it, S#3 has it. But our Niece does not have it. She kind of looks at them, tells them to stop. They do not acknowledge her. They only respond to S#3.

I did notice that Niece has begun getting up and physically changing what ever is going on. It is a step in the right direction...

But in observing, and thinking about this, I began to wonder if Niece is still in shock. She has been through so much in the past 12 years.  Raped as a teenager, at knife point, by a middle aged man.  Being pregnant and suicidal...then getting into the relationship with the abusive man who fathered the three girls. That has become pretty mutual, though.  He started seeing someone else, so she went after him - again.  Then complains and is frightened because he is violent.  Not sure how to consider this depth of swimming in the swamp.

I don't know...

S#3 is going away, alone, for four days at the end of the week. An old friend's daughter is being married in another region of the country. I hope she has time to relax and laugh and escape for long enough so that she restores a bit of balance.

But I am worried...

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare