detach

Hi Maggie,

When I was first married, we spent time with a few other newly married couples. One couple, in particular, comes to mind.  She was an older sister - and only had one younger sister. She was also status aware.  So she was not used to boys or teasing, and being around us - who were not as classist - led to bumps between cultures.

My ex was always funny - he would entertain himself by finger dancing while he was driving, and other sorts of silly things. This young wife was very judgmental.  She wanted him to be -- normal, maybe.  She subtly criticized his clothes, his jokes, his behavior in public.

At first I was worried. I wondered if I should try to lead him - yeah, because I was so normal!  One day it sort of hit me that I was not responsible for his behavior.  And it really wasn't a reflection on me.  He was allowed to be any way he liked.  And if I loved him, I could just relax and love him, just the way he was.

That was a big step for me - stepping out of the judgmental mindset that leads us to conformity.  It helped when I had kids. When my oldest was about 13, she and her best friend dressed very, uhm...unusually.  We went somewhere one day, shopping, maybe. I was walking with them, talking to them, and her friend asked if I was really going to be seen in public with them.  I said yes, and she said her mom always sent them away. She didn't want to be the mom with the weird kids.

To me this is detachment.  I love you, no matter how you express yourself...well, as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else.

I love and accept you even when you make decisions I don't agree with.  I accept your wisdom, and support you no matter how you decide to handle your problems.I will give you advice if needed or asked for, but I will not insist by word or by martyrdom, that you follow it.

I will trust that each situation will unfurl exactly as it should.  I will have faith in this world in the loving unverse that surrounds me.

And I will stay present, experiencing and savoring each moment of  my life...

I don't do this. I have moments of glimmering hope where I get it for a brief time.

But for me this is detachment.

This current definition of detachment calls for thoroughly participating in life. It does not mean retiring from life, withdrawing from loved ones.

Some of this just came to me as I typed. I have to sleep on it and see how much I believe!

Love and hugs,

Clare