As long as I can

Hi Maggie,

My prayer was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but it was also in earnest.  I did pray that prayer frequently, especially for my sons.

Raising kids is somewhat like birthing them...two steps forward, one step back. But eventually, they do it. They get ripe and ready to be part of the world.  They get to be passionate about something, and go find themselves.

I would love to read the books you have been reading.  I would really appreciate it.

I read an article about the things Apple and other tech producers don't want us to know.  They are hiding child miners, and suicide fences in their factories...I have been thinking about slavery - a lot.  And something started niggling in the back of my mind.

A group of young Friends wrote and produced a time travel play, where they went back to visit John Woolman.  He first refused to write a bill of sale for a slave, and his life and commitment went deeper from there.  He eventually decided that he would not buy anything produced by slaves.

This led to the Free Produce Movement.  And that led to the establishment of a  store with goods only produced by free people.

For some reason this is resonating with me now.

So I looked at various computers - desk-top and laptop.  Desk-tops are more ethical, but the best rates only 12.5 out of 20.  It is frightening, but the best we can do is buy a product that is not as bad as the others.

Do I have to get rid of my computer?  If I do, I have to find a different way to support myself. Is that doable, or am I also a slave to this system...this system where if one does not work, one may not eat or have a place to sleep...not with any dignity.

Everyone has a phone - well, everyone except me and my son.  But we both have computers in our houses.

So what do we do?

I know one powerful move would be to refuse to line up for the latest Apple release...And make your electronics last as long as possible.  Don't keep buying.

Our electric was out for about two hours in the middle of the night last night.  As a result, the internet was down until someone came and reset something.  Mornings like this I am reminded how much I rely on the internet simply being available.  And how irritating and blocking it is to not have it when I need it.  I need it for work.  Tonight the electricity was out again.

I lived without electricity for ten years. I liked it.  I was proud of it. But tonight, I wandered - just a little bit lost without the connection.  I guess the internet is just one more addiction!  I finally got some candles and two books, and relaxed.  Then I realized how tired I was.

But I can't go to bed unless my alarm clock is set for 5:00 am.  If I am not sure, I wake up about every 30 minutes all night long.

I read an article years ago wherein people were asked if the internet was a human right.  About 75% of the people, from all around the world, said yes.  That troubled me, because I am very uncomfortable with this movement toward making us pay for anything that is our right.   The privatization of water comes to mind.  Then someone told me that in Scandinavia, the internet is free for everyone, because access to information is a human right!  Our ancestors came from some pretty cool people!

So, I am wrestling with this question of slavery, and the ways I profit from the suffering of others.  As George Fox said to William Penn:  Wear it as long as you can.

Love and hugs from Clare

curiosity

Clare,

I appreciate your thoughts on my sons' behaviors. I agree with the praying for 25th birthday. When I was a resident we used to say, "keep them alive until 8:05"…not I say, "keep them alive until 25".
It is very true that they are incapable of seeing the big picture. My older son is starting to see how wasteful it is that his 2 best friends don't work, don't go to school, just hang around the house.
He is working 5 days a week and has a girlfriend who is more responsible, setting a good example for him. He is still procrastinating on his high school class…
don't get excited that he's turned a real corner…
but I can see glimpses of hope.

The younger one is still doing the minimum amount of work necessary to pass…
he needs to understand the reason for doing something…
not just to make a grade.

I finished reading Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. It was a fantastic book. It compares the 2 halves of life. The first half is building the container- learning to play by the rules to create stability and identity. The second half is about discovering the contents of the container, moving beyond rules because they no longer serve your purpose. It explained to me my journey to Quakerism. I knew it intuitively, but this created a clearer explanation for me. He writes a chapter on "necessary suffering" with a section called "hating family"…having to move away from family norms, expectations, garbage to move into maturity. That was helpful to me to understand the alienation I feel from most of our family.

I'm also reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I think I'm onto a theme here. Hitting rock bottom in order to rise up stronger.

I'll share the books if you are interested in reading them.

The cell phone question is interesting. I should talk about that in Meeting some day. I'll have to come to a better understanding of the issue before I speak though. Thanks for raising my curiosity.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

phones

Hi Mags,

Quick check in tonight. I have been thinking more about cell phones.   I have not seen anything yet to prove that my life would be better with one, and I especially haven't thought of anything that would justify participating in the slave culture, where people are forced to work to make goods for people like me.

Kind of makes me think back to Friends before the Civil War era who tried to live without any products made by slaves.  Are any Friends thinking like this today?

Maybe that's why we are dwindling...

But I was thinking about my connection to S#4.  She remains connected to S#3 and S#5 through text messages.

Is not having a phone keeping me out of the family loop?

Just thinking...

Love and hugs from Clare

so big

Hi Maggie,

I ran out to see the eclipse before I went to bed.  I saw the last sliver of bright.  I stood for a moment and felt it.  Niece's chihuahua barked at it - a lot.  He's quite the watchdog! Then I went to bed. Ah, the realities of getting up at 5:00!

Of course, as soon as the house was dark and quiet, the older cat started harassing the younger one.  I had to get up, and discover that the older cat scared the old dog so much the dog peed all over the floor. Not the first time.

Today the old cat is sitting on my desk, pretending that she loves me - just to be an a** to the young one. 

Kids leave, but the drama continues!

I had my granddaughter today, and just after dinner, it was raining a little as the sun broke through the lowest clouds.  I thought,  "Rainbow!" and we went running out in the rain.  The sun was a little too low, though.  As we were coming back in, I looked up and saw where I watched the eclipse last night, and suddenly thought,  "We were looking at ourselves. I was part of that shadow..."

My strange thoughts of the day.

I would be worried about someone coming after your house, your family, your sons.  The violence of the drug world seems to be real and scary.  Somehow your sons need to learn that they have the right to be stupid and dangerous and look for lessons for themselves, but they don't have the right to bring you into it.  The don;t have the right to bring it into your home.

This is when you pray for them to make it to age 25, for the onset of adult thinking!  I prayed that a lot!  I have one more to go, but she's doing well.  Now that she seems to have learned the lesson about abusive men, her lessons seem smaller and gentler.

When I woke up this morning, I expected the whole world to be different. The eclipse must have been powerful.

I read an article in Salon magazine today which explored the continuing theme of rape in religion.  It listed all the Greek and Roman myths with the gods raping and imprisoning women.  Then it looked at Mary, who did not consent until she was already pregnant. There is a consistent lack of saying yes to sex...rape.   I listened to a  TED talk this weekend about sexual violence being a man's problem. It all ties together.  It is so big, I feel like I can't even see it.  Which, I suppose is the point. If we can't quite see it, we can't quite name the monster, then we don't know what to fight!

Hope all is well with you and yours...

Love and hugs from Clare

karma

Clare,
The eclipse was stunning…
when the clouds parted periodically.
We enjoyed watching it progress.

Dinner was not as I anticipated, but it was fun.
My older son…
the birthday boy…
missed dinner…
he and his girlfriend were at an amusement park.
My daughters and their significant others were here.
Daughter #1's longterm boyfriend doesn't come by very much now that he is living in the city. It was good to have him here. Daughter#2's was exhausted from working all night in a different city…he does theatrical lighting and was working until 4:30 am. Needless to say he was quiet, but pleasant as always. Dinner was nice because the conversation was very light with a lot of laughter.

The evening was another story…
it appears my sons are involved in some type of drama outside of the house. It has something to do with an attempted pot purchase that went bad. Now the seller is threatening my sons. They saw a car going up our dead-end road and thought it was this particular person. It turned out to be nothing, but we had a discussion about choices that end up drawing violence into our family and home. I didn't sleep because of the thoughts that someone might harm my son(s). They act as if I'm over-reacting, but I do take threats seriously. I see irrational people several days each week and hear their over-reactions to what they perceive as a slight/disrespect. I wish I could make them understand without their getting hurt… but I feel as if one will have to be hurt to make them understand.
UGGGGHHHHH…
give me strength.

The bottom line is that natural consequences are the best teacher…
if my words and guidance won't open their eyes then they will continue this course.
Sometimes I wish I could perform "mind control"...
but that would not serve their acquisition of wisdom and life lessons.

I often feel as if I should share the past lives Dad and I shared and the lessons of this life…
but I worry that he would never be open to discussing reincarnation and karma.
The opportunity will open if it is meant to.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

eclipse

Hi Maggie,

I hope dinner is warm and funny.  Our next family gathering will be in one week.  It will be my third's birthday...he will be 31.  Can you imagine?  Seems like just yesterday that you delivered him!  We decided to have German potluck.  It's a first.  We'll see how it goes.

As far as connecting...I was thinking that Dad and S#4 both have birthdays in October.  Maybe I will send them each a card, write a note.  I have fallen into popping out an email on birthdays.  Of course, if I do send cards, then I will feel guilty if I don't send all our sibs a card...We'll see how organized I can be.

Thanks for your observations about S#4.  I always assume separations are my fault. I feel like I drop the ball with everybody. But sometimes, they don't even notice.  So I suppose I can let go of that little bit of guilt!

I am in love with the lake. It feels so maternal...

I do think S#3 will end up here.  We have talked about the idea of home in the past.  I never felt like I was home before I found this lake.  This feels like home to me.  She says she still has no idea what that feels like.  I think maybe what we have been doing is developing extended family.  Her grandchildren and mine are developing ongoing relationships.They know each other, they like each other.  Occasionally we have cultural clashes, but mostly we function like - extended family!

I know her grandson would like to live here.  And last weekend, her daughter said the same thing. So we'll see how life unfolds, and who gets delivered here by the universe, and how.

Sometimes I think with modern civilization and technology, we don't go out, we don't know where we live. We are not even aware of the Earth, much less where we are rooted.  I don't think there are a lot of people who feel at home.

I remember refusing to come home for Thanksgiving one year, because Dad was so rude to my boyfriend. I remember S#5 didn't come home for some family event, even though, if memory serves, she could have.  It's part of being that age.  It's how we break away from our family, so we can come back as something different.  There was also a level of - I'll show you...You can't tell me what to do...in my psyche. He's taking his own power.

So, the rest of you have to have fun without him and be welcoming when he shows up.

But you already know that!

Tonight is the eclipse. I wonder what will happen next.  I hope it's a beautiful surprise!

Love and hugs from Clare

forced family fun

Clare,

I have been busy, but that is no excuse for skipping the blog…
it is important to connect.

The images from Experimenting with Light are powerful. The battle inside the bowels was really interesting. The book that I am reading says we all go through a crucifixion to allow rebirth into the second, mature, half of life. Stepping into the Light and removing the black, tarry mask is amazing imagery.
So, how does that feel in real life?
How do you make that real?
Do you reach out to Dad?
I've been trying to motivate myself to do that for over a year now.
Connecting with S#4 is important, but she is not yet a mature, developed being. She still lives in the superficial. I'm not saying that she is shallow or petty, but she doesn't really go deep. She loves us all, but is engulfed by her husband's family and friends and feels little need to reach out unless there's a crisis. The next few weeks would be a good time to reach out, her surgery is about 2 weeks away and she'll be feeling anxiety, need some support. It will be an opening.

The lake really does speak to you. You found your home. Do you think that S#3 will end up living up there near you? She seems to gravitate there. I don't think it's just her son's presence there, its more than that. I see her heading up there when she has a bit more freedom to move.

I am hosting a birthday dinner for my older son today. The plan was that each child would bring their current boy/girlfriend along. I was excited, planning a menu, etc. Last evening my older son said that he and his girlfriend are going to a park today and won't be coming home for dinner. I wanted to cry. I took some time and realized I'll have my other kids and their friends, so it will be good. I hate the thought of not having all of my family gathered for years at a time- as happens in our family. I think it would break my heart. But, I cannot force the issue either. Forced family fun is just too much work.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

experiment

Hi Maggie,

I wanted to record/share what I received in the Experiment With Light today.

First we were asked to relax and become receptive. Then we asked ourselves what is really going on.  I got images, passing one after the other, of tents and skulls and movement...people moving.

Next we were asked to look at an issue that presents itself.  I think I was working with abundance-scarcity-enough.  What is the issue?  Shame.  (Big surprise there!)

I saw myself wrestling with Dad.  We were in what seemed to be a large intestine.  We were trapped inside. The intestine was roiling as I realized there were generations of fighting moving off into the distance. In the end, the tube, the container we were trapped in was pegged down.  There was no escape. Being pegged felt like a crucifixion.

Dad and I were wrestling, rolling around in the black and light.  I was told to, or maybe assisted to, step out of the enclosure, and stand in the Light.  I was naked and bruised and cut and panting. I could not stand up straight. I almost could not breathe. I was told to stand alone in the Light.  But then a guide told me I am never alone.

As I stood there, learning to breathe again, I saw a black thing inside me.  I heard that we all have a monster within.  It was like mud or tar.  I was directed to smear the black all over myself, especially on my arms and face.  I didn't want to, but I did it.  Then the Light dried it and it flaked away. 

I was in a circle with my sisters.  I   saw that I am a ghost in S#4's circle, as she is a ghost in mine.  I need to reach out to her. Our being sisters is our strongest connection now. We are a layer below Mom, a layer above our children.  We are connected to them, but we need each other.

The tar is my block.  As I was considering this, I saw a tiny newborn. I think it was me. I saw a large face close to the infant. The moon, maybe...I thought of tomorrow's eclipse.  Rebirth?

What do I do now?  I am on a cliff, near the edge. I have to learn to breathe the Light.  I was shown how to breathe the Light.  Wait. Be patient. The Light spreads.  I felt a physical release between the red and orange chakras.

I think sexual violence + silence creates a breach - blocks being grounded from community. Maybe this is why we feel so alone...

I got the feeling that I have to make peace with Dad...

Thinking, processing...

Love and hugs from Clare

on a roll

Hi Maggie,

So I'm on a roll here. 

I read an article with someone today.  It talked about a CEO cutting his salary to  $70,000 per year, and raising everyone else's to $70,000.  I was stopped in my tracks.  Everyone getting the same?? Doesn't a CEO deserve more?   I think, maybe yes, but not as much more as they get in the US.

But valuing everybody the same. Whoaaa...that is revolutionary.

Then later, I went to the lake.  Today is was silver ripples.  I was watching and thinking and waiting for thoughts...And I started thinking about money.  About how I fear/hate those with a lot of money, because I think all exorbitant wealth comes from exploitation.  About how I envy people with money, wishing it was me.  Thinking about the internal psychological war I ignore every day, as I struggle...

I wondered about passion.  If we are all doing something we love, something we are passionate about, we all deserve the same access to resources.  Then I thought about homeless people.  And I realized they work just as hard as a CEO, trying to survive each day.  We just don't value survival...and we're relieved, because we have to believe in limited resources in order to maintain this invisible, yet strangling caste system we have accepted.

All based on something unreal, something made by men in power, something we believe in so dearly, we kill for it...

Amazing.

Possibly the most effective fraud ever...

Abundance.  I talked with someone today about the refugee crisis.  People know they have to do something, we have to be kind and generous if we want to remain human, yet they shut the border.  We only shut down borders because we believe there is not enough...

I just had a vision of my shut down borders...do I believe there is not enough...Maybe...Maybe, I do.

So, I was standing by the lake. My eyes were closed. The sunlight made my vision golden.  I was listening to the lake, almost understanding what she was saying.   And I got the words,  "Love me."  So I grounded my feet, opened the top of my chakras and let light energy go down and up, and tried to open my heart to spray love out into the lake.  A guide stood behind me and but pressure on me. He started pulling stuff out of my chakra...like softened pumpkin innards.  He put pressure and I could feel both yellow and green chakras.  I think there's something more there...like stones...something hard that is about to be expelled...

Tomorrow, the Experiments With Light ought to be quite interesting. And I have a feeling we are up for a hell of an eclipse.

Birthday greetings to your third child. Love and hugs from Aunt Clare...

making a break

Hey Sister,

You've been busy.  I had the baby last night and again this afternoon. It's so hard to write with her here.  She needs all my attention, partly because it is so cool to have someone's attention, partly because she is sooo 2.

I spent some time with a Celtic priestess many, many years ago.  She taught that women have three partners during life...sort of matching maiden, mother, and crone.  Sometimes it is the same partner, but often it is not. 

I think that ties in with your musings about marriage.  We change.  We become other people. If we are lucky, our partners change in ways that continues to complement us. If not...either we endure, or we walk away.  Either way takes a lot of work...

I think men don't ask for counseling because of the cultural oppression we heap on them to be strong and independent...to not need anybody, to be available to help anyone...to be the knight in shining armor...to not be a sissy.  I also think counseling techniques tend to favor the female ways of communicating. Just observations as the mother of boys...

Building a home for women who need to escape is a wonderful idea.  The need to escape, to detach themselves, is emotional and psychological.  Why make it financial too? Smacks of 'God loves those with money.'  Those who do not have money...well, we're suffering for a reason. God doesn't love us as much.

I allowed two  women going though divorces - both leaving terrible situations - to live in my house as an escape route.  I have also taken in friends of my kids who needed some distance.  Just walking away took real guts.  I never charged anyone for staying with me.  Faced with that, they may not have been able to go.

That financial dependence, which ties right in with women making 3/4 of what a man makes when in the same position and with the same education and experience, then let's consider what women in traditional pink collar jobs make...that blocks so many.  We see homeless folk. We see homeless women and children...so which is worse - homeless or abused?  There are really no good choices.

But what if there were a haven women could go to?

Just thinking out loud here.

I took the baby into the garden today.  We harvested potatoes and onions and garlic. She was fascinated and engaged for about two hours.  We were both laying in the dirt, working together.  It was sweet. Just as we finished digging the garlic, she noticed the cherry tomoatoes, and picked about half a dozen.

The sun was shining, the flowers blossoming -- beautiful day!!

Love and hugs from Clare

orphan

Clare,

Another long day…
but it was rewarding.
I had many interesting discussions with women today…
the vast majority of my clients are women…
I wonder why men don't ask for counseling?
Those that start are surprised how much they get out of it…
one of my client's wives is jealous because he talks more to the therapist than to her.

Today I had multiple women…
all with a history of sexual abuse and mothers who did not believe them.
It is heart breaking to see middle aged women still trying to come to terms with the fact that their parents (particularly Mom) don't believe them and failed to protect them. One still lives in the home with one of her perpetrators despite being in her mild-30s. She's stuck in the swamp and cannot imagine life outside of that discomfort.
I feel like I should build a home for women who've been hurt this badly…
but then again they have to make their own escape for it to build self-confidence and self-worth.
Many of them are mothers who are failing as well…
but don't recognize the damage they are doing to their children by their lack of health and self worth.
It's a vicious cycle.
I try to point out to them the freedom of being the "black sheep"…
it's the same as the orphan archetype…
if you are not part of the family then you are free to discard the garbage they try to teach you.
You don't have to carry on their ways, beliefs, practices…
you are free to find your own truth.

Anyway…that's what I've found from being an orphan child.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

growth

Clare,

I just got back from a lunch with a good F/friend. She is amazing to talk with. We ended our discussion talking about marriage. She spoke to me many times when I was separated. She shared that she and her husband divorced and then remarried after some therapy for each. That gave me the courage to give my marriage another chance.
We talked about the challenges of marriage…
We asked,"Would you marry the same man if you had the chance now?"
Neither of us is certain we would choose them as they are now…
Love is present…
but the level of growth between each partner has left gaps…
if that makes sense.
Those initial similarities, mutual interests, wouldn't be there to attract us.

My reiki friend often said that she had to keep her husband energetically close to her personal level to maintain their compatibility.
He died about 6  months ago…
after a many year illness...
she recently started dating.
The new man is a energetic novice…
that must be confusing.

I guess true, long term relationship is about similar but not exactly the same growth…
being flexible enough to give space to allow for the differences that develop…
respecting those differences…
and choosing to stay every single day.
It was an interesting discussion.

Any way, I'm off to pick up my youngest from practice.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

lessons

Clare,

Sorry for not getting here yesterday. Tuesdays are long for me. I counsel until 4:30 and then go home to clean up the house from the dogs all day and then go to a yoga class until 8:30. It's a good day, but long.

I appreciate your answers, but you don't owe explanations. I am thinking onto this page. I guess my intention is to stimulate reflection. It is not about making you explain. I hope it does that for you.

I have been asked to speak at a Breast Cancer Awareness dinner next month. They want a survivor's perspective. They've also asked husband to speak. I hope he is technical and more personal about his story. I think I'm going to either approach it as cancer as a process; or perhaps the lessons of cancer. I'm still learning the lessons, struggling with body image, maintaining the same intense level of intimacy that being in the "thick" of cancer demands.

I've got to run my youngest to school. I'll try to stop back later today.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

'nother answer

Just popping in to reread and see if you'd been through, and saw the rhetorical questions about me being afraid that their dad would not get the kids home.

I remember you went and rescued them. I am still grateful.

He took them because he was temporarily laid off.  Then he claimed he did not have gas money to get them home. The kids would call me and ask to come home. I told them that Dad didn't have money for gas. I remember my son telling me that his dad had money for beer everyday.

That was the victimization...although the kids may have felt it most strongly.

The other time he took them, he said he was concerned because I did not have my woodstove installed in the cabin yet, and nights were getting cold.  He didn't want to leave them there, so he was taking them. About three days later, he called and told me I had to do something.  He couldn't stand having them all at once...

Some men from meeting helped me get the woodstove installed, and they came home...

Mostly, the kids were not in the middle of our chaos. 

I mowed today. It is good contemplative work, to walk in circles for an hour and a half.  I stopped for one snake.  I think they know I will stop if they let me see them.

I saw a beautiful story today of two elephants who were short with poison darts by poachers.  They walked to an elephant rescue sanctuary for help.  Neither had ever been there before, but both lived in herds with elephants who had been helped there.

There is a loving sentience in this world. I also saw a video of a dog shedding tears after she and her puppies were rescued. I cried with her...

I think our awareness is  raising, and we are seeing that humanity is not just in humans...

Love and hugs for tonight,

Clare

reflecting back...

Hi Maggie,

You're on a roll tonight!

Why estranged?  This was the thought pattern...How can someone claim he was kicked out and denied his children when we went to a mediator? We spent a lot of time talking and trying to be fair and respectful.  Which reminded me that I gave my copy of the agreement to my lawyer, for when she filed the separation at the county courthouse.   Later, I went to retrieve my copy and she had only filed the first page.  She couldn't find, or denied she had the rest.  But I couldn't afford the fees for a divorce anyway. And I don't think he wanted to finalize it, because if he did he might have to marry one of the women he has lived with...so, in the end, we still haven't divorced.  Occasionally I remember that, and so...estranged.

I agree that now, when S#3 is very burdened, very uncomfortable with the situation she is in, it is a prime moment for change.  I am worried about the pressure she is under.  I will hold her in the Light and pray she makes the step into the unknown. I want her to know we are here, nearby.

You wrote succinctly about S#3, but I think the message was really for me.  My situation is different, but I also use responsibilities to hide myself, to avoid taking a step into something new...

I will rethink my interpretation, but it lands me in the past...I go back to the Marianne Williamson quote.  I think we have posted it here before, but it still scares the crap out of me...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

I had this posted on the wall of our cabin many years ago. I was glad when it became so commonplace that I ceased to see it.

Every time I consider this, my inner nun, ruler in hand to keep me in line, comes to alert to remind me not to show off..."Who do you think you are???"

I talked to someone about the Einstein letter and he said:  it's not mass times the speed of Light squared, it's mass consciousness times the speed of Light squared.  I am still trying to wrap my mind around that!

I have been trying to walk daily. I am somewhat succesful. But I find that if I make time to walk, I don't have time for other things I need/want to do - like wash dishes or knit.

I'll get more efficient, I hope!!

Ooooh, and I forgot to tell you...I'm going to an Experiments With Light session on Saturday with someone who was trained to lead them.  I'll keep you posted!

Love and hugs from Clare

Bitchy today

Clare,

Your post has me asking a few questions. They can be considered rhetorical.
First, it is curious that you refer to your estranged husband rather than ex…
what's that about today?
Also, I remember a time that you were frightened that he would not return your children when he had them at his home…
how does that reinforce his victimization?

S#3 has made some choices in her life that maintains her lack of control in her own life. I think she is suffering under the weight of raising 4 children that she did not choose to have, but she also enables her daughter to dump responsibility onto her shoulders day after day, month after month, year after year.
I suspect that she would be lost if she didn't have that forced structure on her life.
So she can choose to be burdened while surrounded by people she loves or alone with time to relax.
She has to make that choice…
live with the known, uncomfortable situation…
or step out of the uncomfortable comfort zone and journey into the unknown.
Most people stick with the uncomfortable comfort zone…
I'm not being harsh…
just realistic.
When life gets this uncomfortable we are being offered an opportunity to change…
to choose differently…
to take a step into the unknown.
Taking that step takes serious courage…
and self-confidence…
and stamina.
S#3 lacks those in significant quantity. She hides from her true feelings and issues. The current child-rearing is a distraction from the work she could be doing on herself. She is treading water because not seeing over the horizon paralyzes us from moving forward. Fear is powerful.

I read this and feel as if I am being bitchy.
But the reality is true…
change is knocking at her universal door…
she can acknowledge it and walk forward or continue to be distracted.

I shared your Einstein letter at Meeting on Sunday…
It was very well received.
Thanks for sharing it.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

sister-worries

Good morning Sister,

I am so tired, I may go take a nap after I write this.  I almost never take naps.  If I do, usually I am sick.  This exhaustion is pretty extreme!

I have been thinking about victimhood, and how we get past it...and why it is so strong.  I actually had a talk about ego, and ways to detach, I suppose, with a man from Italy this week. It all sort of ties together.
 
Probably my best teacher was my estranged husband.  He completely identifies as victim. He dwells on physical violence from his father, emotional and psychological control from his mom...his lack of being safe, from his lack of being accepted and acceptable in general.  This pain is why he began drinking at age 19. Now he needs to drink.  His body is addicted, and so he has to protect that.  And he protects it by being the victim...by focusing on all the wrongs dealt out to him. Of course, I am now part of his treasured memories he uses to justify his addiction.  In his story, I kicked him out and denied him his children.

In my scenario, I talked ad nauseum about the effects of alcoholism on our family and eventually delivered the ultimatum - get some sort of counseling, or the marriage ends.  He did not choose us. We went to a mediator. Our agreement was that he could have the kids as often as he wanted for as long as he wanted.  He called once every three or four months, we saw them once or twice a year.

But part of victimhood is never seeing that you are half of what happens.  One can only maintain the illusion of victimhood by never seeing that sometimes you are the victimizer.

When I went through Al Anon, identifying some of what happened to me in our family of origin, and continuing through my life into marriage, was painful. I didn't remember some of the ways people hurt me.  I used my addictions - wheat, sugar, chocolate, escaping into books, depressions - an ultimate escape - to narrow my vision, to only see how I had been hurt.  But the next part was worse.  I had to step back from my safe place in my sugar-induced balance and see the larger view, to see how I hurt others...to remember how I talked to my siblings, the violence of our home that I helped maintain, all the way to recognizing the monster I became when I wigged out on my children - who did not deserve it.

We need that balance to step out of the game.

You said being a victim may be excruciating, but I think seeing the whole picture is even more excruciating...I think we are afraid that we will not survive the pain of walking through that half. But by walking through that half, maybe that's how we learn grace is real.

And I propose, that maybe, just maybe you did not find the perfect job accidentally. Maybe, despite your struggles, beneath it in truth, you were in your green chakra, having faith that the universe would place where you needed to be...

I will hold S#4 in the Light.  I really think S#3 needs it too.  I am a little worried about her. She said she has had three horrific weeks at work. They keep dumping more on her, because she is one of us - she smiles and does a great job, and makes it look easy.  The pain is so deep, so well hidden beneath smiles, people who don't want to see it, simply don't. 

But her job, added to the fact that she takes most of the responsibility for her grandchildren is getting to be too much.  I could almost feel pain and stress reaching out of her. She felt ripe, ready to burst.  Twice I took her away with me, and her grandson cried. He can not stand to be away from her.  After some of the things that have happened to him, I understand.  But she needs to be able to walk away for a least a few minutes.

My youngest's best friend from childhood is visiting.  She is one of my non-bio kids, kids who just moved in and became part of the family, who wanted to be one of my kids. She has two kids - at home...there is an abusive relationship there, and the boyfriend would not allow her to bring their children, fearing she would not come home.  Anyway, S#3's granddaughter was doing something naughty, and this young mother told her to stop. She was shocked, but she stopped.  I realized that this young mom has the "mom-voice". I have it, my daughter has it, S#3 has it. But our Niece does not have it. She kind of looks at them, tells them to stop. They do not acknowledge her. They only respond to S#3.

I did notice that Niece has begun getting up and physically changing what ever is going on. It is a step in the right direction...

But in observing, and thinking about this, I began to wonder if Niece is still in shock. She has been through so much in the past 12 years.  Raped as a teenager, at knife point, by a middle aged man.  Being pregnant and suicidal...then getting into the relationship with the abusive man who fathered the three girls. That has become pretty mutual, though.  He started seeing someone else, so she went after him - again.  Then complains and is frightened because he is violent.  Not sure how to consider this depth of swimming in the swamp.

I don't know...

S#3 is going away, alone, for four days at the end of the week. An old friend's daughter is being married in another region of the country. I hope she has time to relax and laugh and escape for long enough so that she restores a bit of balance.

But I am worried...

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

Life is good

Clare,

I love kittens. I love cats too. Sometimes I wish they stayed kittens though…
kind of like babies…
but, they too, grow.

I spoke with S#4 today. She has surgery in 3 weeks and is getting anxious. We talked and laughed about these ridiculous man-made lumps…She could use some Light sent her way.

I had a reiki session on Wednesday…
then I started with one of my 3 day headaches.
These things suck.
Yesterday was difficult.
I was nauseated and foggy.
Today I am still foggy…
I couldn't find my words this morning in class…
which was funny because we were discussing the muscular system and diseases…
I was explaining slurred speech while wrestling for words.
I had to laugh at myself.

Despite the headache yesterday was amazing.
I had clients all day.
I think the pain made me settle in more…
think less…
listen intently.
What came out of the experience was moving for me and the clients.
I was in tears more than once…
as they were.
I saw the young man to whom I've offered a home…
he's still clinging to the hope that his family will come through for him.
He shared so much yesterday…
a visual that his emotions are contained in a big, heavy, solid bowling ball he holds outside of his body.
God, that is so profound.
They're not safe inside…
so I'll lock them away outside of me.
I was moved to tell him that his greatest challenge in this lifetime will be trust…
that's a bold statement, but I made it.
I also told him that it is excruciating to be in a real relationship when you've been raised to not care or trust yourself. The eternal question, "Why would anyone love me when my parents didn't even want me around?" shames us from making real connection. I asked him to find courage to trust, first in small things, then build.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince him to trust me…
let me be part of that for him?
I'm not sure what motivates me until time passes and I can reflect most of the time.

I have a woman, my age with dementia…
it is terrifying to see what can happen to such a beautiful mind.
The fascinating thing is that she cannot directly remember a specific incident…
but she starts to recall smells and sounds and smiles…
and then puts the memory back together.
She was a teacher…
and I wish my kids had experienced her teaching…
she was such a loving presence for them.
I cried hearing her describe the experiences.

It's funny, I found a job that I love…
accidentally.
I took this position because I couldn't find a social justice position…
this was supposed to be temporary…
now I cannot imagine doing any other work.
The painful lessons of my life are being turned from lead into gold…
alchemy…
and they are touching other lives…
I am touching other's lives…
Life is good.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Give my love to S#3
Maggie

It's not easy being green

Hi Honey!

I went down to the lake today. I always feel so much better after I have been there.  The whole world seems like a better place.

I'm passionate about the lake. I love the lake. Today it was like a mirror.

I am passionate about the plants, herbal healing.  I am passionate about my children and grandchildren...what else? I'm not sure.

I get into passionate political discussion.  I passionately believe it is possible to create a better world...easily.  We just have to open our eyes, and our hears and stop being afraid.

I think we do have to open ourselves and let the energy flow through each chakra.  And I think we each have different areas of damage.  We have to work on those personally and lovingly.

But I really think we have a serious breach in the channel, affecting almost every human on Earth today.  I think we are in a great period of evolution, going through a big change together.

And I think that change has to do with opening way between yellow and green chakra, then getting into our green chakras to live for the next period of time - until we are ready to evolve again.

Does this make sense?

We are living in a mess because we are trapped in our yellow chakras, as a species.  We rely on will.  We do not have faith.  We are afraid to passionately love...with detachment, I suppose.

That's why I keep returning to the green chakra.  It's where our focus should be, where our lessons are.  It is where we are   going right now...

I don't know if I told you my kitten story yet...Do you know I have a new baby? My youngest was working when two young girls came to the reception desk in the hotel. They found a tiny kitten in the parking lot - too young to be away from its mother. They couldn't find the mother or an owner, so they brought it in. After much discussion, my daughter announced that she would take it to her mother.

She came to pick up her baby. I was sleeping. She said, "Mom. I need you to wake up.  And sit up."

Uh-oh...

"Don't be mad..." then she deposited a tiny bit of butterscotch fluff in my hands.  

Luckily, she was old enough to eat dried food. And once we agreed that she was not going to be allowed to nurse on my earlobes - we have been fine. My older cat turned her back on me and refused to talk to me for about three days.

This all happened about a week before I left to visit my son.While I was gone, nephew said the kitten hid all the time.  Nephew would sit in the middle of my office floor every day and wait for the kitten to come out, just so she would be handled daily. The night before I returned,  she finally went up and slept with Nephew and the other dogs. Once I returned though, she was back with me.

So, that's the news from the lake where all the dogs are good loking and all the cats are above average...

Hugs from Clare

I feel...

Passions…
so what are your passions?

The definition includes many variations, but a powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, fits best for me. I have to think about my passions.
I feel passion when…
I see kindness towards another.
I am confronted with injustice.
I hear one of my children upset.
I feel misjudged or misunderstood.
I am teaching about violence.
I see the first bits of green in the spring.
I nuzzle my horse's mane.
I feel threatened.
I hear music that resonates with my soul.

I use to feel threatened all the time. I didn't sleep soundly for years because I was certain that bad things came out in the dark. This became especially exaggerated after I had kids. I attended to their needs after dark, because not even husband was trustworthy after dark.

Reflecting on this I am amazed by the sense of peace I've been able to cultivate over the past few years. Since sharing this blog with you actually. I no longer feel like a victim. I shed that identity and am stronger than ever.

We had an interesting discussion about the victim role/archetype on Monday. So many people cling to that role, despite the discomfort associated with it. It may be excruciating, but at least its familiar.

I have been working intensely with a young woman who is suicidal- mostly threatening, but has attempted previously. We are talking about identifying one thing that her dysfunctional family hasn't taken from her and start there to slowly regain her power. She chose a feeling that she gets when she's with her girlfriend. That's her focus for this week. Sit with that feeling. Savor that feeling. Honor that feeling.
I hope this works…
sometimes I trust my intuition and pray I am on the right track.

I am still intrigued by your focus on getting into one chakra. I have been trying to open all of them to allow flow through my whole body into the ground and universe. I may be avoiding the work or challenge of each chakra…
perhaps hoping that as the energy flows the debris and garbage will wash away too.
I'll have to consider this.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

passions

Someone said that "Passion is the ruling force of life."  I was at a workshop.  I don't remember much more. But the libe stayed with me.

When did we lose our passion? How did it get knocked out of us?

That is what destroyed the green chakra. That is why we are trapped.  Either we are below, and not able to rise, or we are bouncing around in the tops of our being.  Bouncing around in the top means we are not in connection with the Earth. And we are Earthly beings. We need to touch her.

Passion

There's a barefooting movement - people who go barefoot outdoors every say and who claim healing effects from the energy exchange.  I don't remember their explanation. I don;t really care.  I have been barefooting all of my life. I love to be outside without shoes. I love to be in contact with the Mother..

Passion.

I have been intrigued by Einstein's words - we each have a small but powerful generator of love within us.  We have to learn to release it.

To me that means we have to get into the green chakra, access it and heal it and use it.

I think he is just saying what I have long said - violence is never the way to peace. But now I love the idea of making a love bomb.  I just hate the way we use war imagery to describe everything - including peace and love.

I have been trying to open chakras in the last few days.  Thank you for reminding me. I am starting at the ground, at that place where my bare feet connect with the Earth.

I don;t know if it's helping.  But it can't hurt!!

S#3 and her brood are coming this weekend.  I am looking forward to the chaos.  My house is in disaray, but - who cares.  It's just going to get worse when there are many, many kids free inside.

Hope you are well. Hope life isn't too overwhelming...

Love and hugs from Clare


One last thought - Why was the torture and murder of Christ called The Passion?

Exponentially

Hi Maggie,

I have a theory that our chakras were disrupted. Perhaps it is violence that breaks the passage that our energy is supposed to flow through. First, by miscounting them, we have lost connection to the Earth.  We have to count ONE, feel the vibration of ONE through our feet. We don't do that.  We start with the red which is so separated from the Earth.

And I think that what we are supposed to be doing with this next big evolution is heal the breach between yellow and green. We will be closer to being healed.

There are so many signs that this is true...

I will have to finish tomorrow.

For tonight - I love you!!!

I love you exponentially!

Clare

So, Albert Einstein wrote this, but I so wanted you to read it...

Reposted from: https://suedreamwalker.wordpress.com/2015/04/15/a-letter-from-albert-einstein-to-his-daughter-about-the-universal-force-which-is-love/
In the late 1980s, Lieserl, the daughter of the famous genius, donated 1,400 letters, written by Einstein, to the Hebrew University, with orders not to publish their contents until two decades after his death. This is one of them, for Lieserl Einstein.More can be found about Lieserl here

…”When I proposed the theory of relativity, very few understood me, and what I will reveal now to transmit to mankind will also collide with the misunderstanding and prejudice in the world.
I ask you to guard the letters as long as necessary, years, decades, until society is advanced enough to accept what I will explain below.
There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us.
This universal force is LOVE.
When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force.
Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it.
Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others.
Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals.
For love we live and die.
Love is God and God is Love.
This force explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, maybe because we are afraid of love because it is the only energy in the universe that man has not learned to drive at will.
To give visibility to love, I made a simple substitution in my most famous equation.
If instead of E = mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.
After the failure of humanity in the use and control of the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is urgent that we nourish ourselves with another kind of energy…
If we want our species to survive, if we are to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and every sentient being that inhabits it, love is the one and only answer.
Perhaps we are not yet ready to make a bomb of love, a device powerful enough to entirely destroy the hate, selfishness and greed that devastate the planet.
However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released.
When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, dear Lieserl, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life.
I deeply regret not having been able to express what is in my heart, which has quietly beaten for you all my life. Maybe it’s too late to apologize, but as time is relative, I need to tell you that I love you and thanks to you I have reached the ultimate answer! “.
Your father Albert Einstein

no inspriation

Clare,

I am confused why getting into the green chakra will allow flow…
don't you need all of the chakras to be aligned and open to allow flow?

One of my biggest frustrations about Reiki is that I have such difficulty opening my lower chakras which means that I live in my head mostly. If energy is not flowing through the complete circuit then it must bounce around in the top half of my body….
that's kind of an interesting visual.

We had an interesting discussion about defense mechanisms today at work. The Behavioralists want to correct behavior by pointing out the negative behaviors and asking the client to substitute a more adaptive behavior. The Psycho-dynamic people want to get to the root of the problem (fear) and relieve the fear which will make the behavior unnecessary. I think a combination of both is probably the best course of action, but I do agree that if you don't clean out the roots the whole tree dies.

I'm not sure what to write about today…
my mind is relatively blank today. I have an assignment to correct…
I'm definitely procrastinating to avoid that work.
I have to run to the store for cat food…
that's a good distraction…
maybe I'll run the errand and then feel like grading.

I hope you are having a more inspiring day than I am…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

still thinking

Still thinking about detachment.  I really feel like I am onto something.  I have been thinking about chakra healing, about being trapped in our yellow chakras - as a species.  We have to control everything or we  absolutely panic.

We have to know what will happen next, or we can not sleep.

We do everything possible to control. We don't trust anything, which leads us to a place of fearing everything - so we try to control even more - anything, everything.

To detach, more and more by the minute, by the hour - for me - it's beginning to mean:  get into your green chakra. Love.  Trust.  Be in the flow. Whatever happens is supposed to happen!

Perhaps the detachment process, is the way of opening the channel between yellow and green chakras.  That is our evolutionary purpose in this time and in this place.  Once we figure that out, we change, we heal, we move forward.

Then we learn to use will appropriately. Rather than trying to hold everything here, we can go with the flow and direct ourselves a bit.  Something interesting ahead, we can get near...if we'd like.

Kids overnight.  A five year old and a two year old.  We all slept on the pull out sofa.Before it was light out, I heard a little voice, "Mima, there's a dog on my foot."  The other woke up, the dogs were up, the kitten was chewing on me... I had my eyes closed, insisting it was still night. But no one believed me.

I'm tired...

How has your weekend been?

Love and hugs from Clare

detach

Hi Maggie,

When I was first married, we spent time with a few other newly married couples. One couple, in particular, comes to mind.  She was an older sister - and only had one younger sister. She was also status aware.  So she was not used to boys or teasing, and being around us - who were not as classist - led to bumps between cultures.

My ex was always funny - he would entertain himself by finger dancing while he was driving, and other sorts of silly things. This young wife was very judgmental.  She wanted him to be -- normal, maybe.  She subtly criticized his clothes, his jokes, his behavior in public.

At first I was worried. I wondered if I should try to lead him - yeah, because I was so normal!  One day it sort of hit me that I was not responsible for his behavior.  And it really wasn't a reflection on me.  He was allowed to be any way he liked.  And if I loved him, I could just relax and love him, just the way he was.

That was a big step for me - stepping out of the judgmental mindset that leads us to conformity.  It helped when I had kids. When my oldest was about 13, she and her best friend dressed very, uhm...unusually.  We went somewhere one day, shopping, maybe. I was walking with them, talking to them, and her friend asked if I was really going to be seen in public with them.  I said yes, and she said her mom always sent them away. She didn't want to be the mom with the weird kids.

To me this is detachment.  I love you, no matter how you express yourself...well, as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else.

I love and accept you even when you make decisions I don't agree with.  I accept your wisdom, and support you no matter how you decide to handle your problems.I will give you advice if needed or asked for, but I will not insist by word or by martyrdom, that you follow it.

I will trust that each situation will unfurl exactly as it should.  I will have faith in this world in the loving unverse that surrounds me.

And I will stay present, experiencing and savoring each moment of  my life...

I don't do this. I have moments of glimmering hope where I get it for a brief time.

But for me this is detachment.

This current definition of detachment calls for thoroughly participating in life. It does not mean retiring from life, withdrawing from loved ones.

Some of this just came to me as I typed. I have to sleep on it and see how much I believe!

Love and hugs,

Clare

falling upward

Clare,

So, freedom is detachment, like the Buddhist principle…
I've always been confused by detachment.
I wonder if detachment is from everything…
people,
places,
things?
Can I have true freedom if I love my children desperately?
Do I have to set them free to be truly free?
Do I detach myself from things to the point that I fail to care for them…
or just enough not to cling to them?
I really am confused by this concept.
It is beautiful the way that you describe native american culture…
I just don't know how to process it into my life.

I am starting to read a book called Falling Upward. It's about the two halves of life. The first half is about "building the container"-identity, profession, individuality- the second half is "discovering the contents"- Truths. I haven't really begun reading it, but last night was skimming it. I read a passage about the first half being governed by rules, the second half being governed by conscience. Once you get to a certain point you can break the rules to allow for personal and spiritual growth. It made me think about my move to Quakerism. I have often described it as a maturation of my spirituality- I no longer was served by the rules/dogma of catholicism. I make my own way, led by an internal spiritual compass. I am responsible for my own process. I'm looking forward to digging into this book.

The chili was/is good. There really is no taste or texture of the okra. It has incorporated itself into the other flavors.

Another weekend. It should be beautiful. We have a football game tomorrow afternoon. Despite disliking the game, I enjoy watching my youngest playing to the best of his abilities.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

salamanders

Hi Maggie,

I had two red eft/newt connections today.  Nephew called me and the baby out to see one in the backyard, then when I took the baby for a walk, we saw one crossing the road.  I picked it up to show her, then walked across the road and put it down. The road is a far place to cross for a creature so tiny.  It is so easy to be smashed by a car tire.  And of course, I looked up the meaning.  Salamanders indicate transformation is imminent. I like that...It went on to say there would be unexpected help from outside which would last as long as I needed it.

I was thinking more about Syria.  I remembered Bush's Axis of Evil which included Syria. Syria is right there, tucked in between Iran and Iraq.  I remember reading an analysis years ago that said if we expected to get our oil out from under the Black Sea, we had to make a passage way to get it out.  We break through these countries, and we have way right through to the Persian Gulf. The article said that if we got that oil, we would not have to conserve for another 25 years.

We have been arming the rebels for years. 

But I was also remembering something a Native American man told me.  According to their prophecy, we must be ready for refugees here.  If the waters rise and the cities along the coast are inundated, people will flee inland.  We have to be ready to greet and accept, not to defend and war.

I got sort of involved in a social media drama today. Someone from high school criticized a young mother, in a pizza place, nursing a 2 year old indiscretely.  I tried to make a point of not judging other moms. She got mad at me, and so I withdrew.  But it was like high school all over again.  A Christian woman judging and the rest of us have to agree or we get shamed and ousted. I just remembered how uncomfortable I always felt in that short-sighted, close-minded town.

I think I idealize Native American culture, sort of like I long had a crush on the Quakers.  When I read about their society where no one owned property, the leader was the first to give, there was egalitarian division of leadership divided between the genders. Rape was unknown.  Money did not exist.  I think of that as freedom.  Freedom to live on this Earth, in community, having enough, but no more.  Working together at one with the Earth...

I look at European culture and the monuments and the cathedrals and the written history, the slavery - feudal culture...then compare it to here...no cathedrals or buildings, no cemeteries...no need to leave monuments to self...no need to enslave others to build those monuments.

Freedom is humane.  As long as we are led by the inhumane, we will be enslaved.

I agree that the shaming of Kim Davis, the remarks about her looks, her body - they are wrong, and they detract from the true issue.  If she accepts a job where one pledges to uphold the Constitution, then she must do it. Even if it means asking her staff to issue marriage licenses to gay people to avoid doing something she finds sinful.  If she does not, then all the jokes about Catholics not selling condoms, Jews not selling ham, vegans not selling meat, Quakers not selling arms will have to be honored.

Each step forward you take is a tiny step into commitment! How was the okra chili? Do you know what I love to put in chili - diced burdock root.  It is amazing and so healthy.

I'll be back tomorrow to see what's up with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

little goals

Clare,

If this is not how it's supposed to be…
then what is right?
How is it supposed to be?

Rhetorical questions…
I'm turning them over in my mind.
I guess we all live freely…
but what does that look like?

Even if there isn't ownership outright there are roles and norms to keep us in line…
I'm thinking about that Kentucky clerk, refusing to issue marriage licenses…
I disagree with her…
but people have taken to slut shaming and calling her out on her looks…
forcing her into compliance…
with norms and roles prescribed by no one and everyone at the same time.

What does free look and feel like?

I, too, have been mesmerized by the migration crisis…
watching countries posturing who will bear the load of the masses.
We've been talking about it prior to class for the past week…
discussing each day's news…
I wonder why the US and Europe don't go into Syria and northern Africa to "stabilize" the region?
We're always going into other countries' business and politics…
but we are standing by despite a humanitarian crisis.
I guess there's no oil at stake here…
or other products we want to get our hands on.
The bullies should be stopped…
but how is the all important question?

I submitted an outline for my proposed spring course today…
one step forward…
each step forward will make it harder for me to change my mind…
I have to push to attain little goals or I will be distracted and it will never happen.

I put the okra into vegetarian chili…
I hope it's not too slimy.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

random thoughts

Hi Maggie,

Hope all is well.

I worked a long day today, then had a hard time pushing my butt out the door to walk.  But I did it.  I am trying to get past this...hummmmm...to - I walk every day - that's just what I do.

I have some random thoughts to release here.  More strange thoughts from my strange mind, I guess...

A dear friend bought a cottage at the next lake over, and invited some of us over for a barbecue on Sunday. It was so nice to sit and relax and watch the water.  I had, once again, a feeling of the femininity of the water. Suddenly I understood why Latin languages use gendered articles.  When I learned Spanish I had such a hard time with the concept of a window being female.  I had to do a lot of memorizing. It didn't make sense to my Saxon influenced brain. But being outside, with the lake, I could sense masculinity and femininity.  I think the southern people, who lived intimately with the Mediterranean also understood/understand.

Also, I have been watching a lot of videos of the Syrian refugees reaching Germany.  They are greeted with welcoming cheers, and every single time I start to cry. I am not sure why I am so emotionally connected to this story.  I read a little about the history, about the Arab Spring, about people asking for freedom, of the brutality used to keep them in slavery.

When there is an awful leader in the world, why does the rest of the world simply accept it?  I am also thinking of Cheney.  What responsibility do we have? Turning our back on the bullies, even if we tsk-tsk and say they're bad - we allow the brutality to continue.

Anyway I have been crying a lot...

I also watched a video of some animals rescued from industrial farms.  I saw them take their first steps on grass. I saw chickens able to stretch their wings for the first time. I thought they were rescued from slavery for a lesser degree of slavery. They are fenced in and controlled - granted it is done with kindness - yet they are not free. They are owned by someone.

We seem to be able to put levels of slavery on a spectrum, and make some rough decisions about what it okay, what is not...what is ethical, what is cruel.  But we never ask the basic question - can sentient entities be owned?

It sort of loops back to people escaping from Syria, from brutality, to European countries where they will have to work or file with the government, to be labeled and identified and told where and how they must live. It's still slavery, but we are so grateful because it is not as brutal...

We are all slaves, whether we see the master or not. We don't have any more freedom than the pigs in farrow crates who can not turn over.

It's not supposed to be this way...

Lots to chew on...

Love and hugs from Clare

find the true query

Hi Maggie,

I also love the feeling of belonging. It creeps up occasionally when I least expect it.  I have found it is a very quiet place.  When I try to belong, it is not quiet.  I am over-thinking, ill-at-ease.

My granddaughter and I have an ongoing joke.  I ask,  "What's the rule for belonging to this family?"  And she always answers, "You have to be weird."  Refusing to conform has become a bit of a family standard.  I like the idea that it is dangerous and revolutionary!

I saw a  meme today, featuring the woman who started the Grey Panthers.  She said old age is the time to be outrageous, and she vowed to be outraged or outrageous at least once a week.  Maybe we should make a pact.

For us, with education, unschooling, except for Saxon Math, we really didn't use curricula.  We followed passions.  That gave us all the variety we could possibly need.  We called in outsiders, we took classes, we read, we took courses. It was so exhilarating.

For me, an RE teacher is only with the kids for one hour a week, during meeting. It is so different that being a FAP...and I just realized I am off on a tangent...Who should be court mandated reporters?  That is the key question here.  I have such mixed feelings because I have seen DSS do some horrible things.  And I have a basic mistrust of anything governmental.  I wish it was not the government we had to report to.  I have also seen nuisance calls to DSS, getting back at someone...which led to bad things for the kids.

I don't think I have a problem with reporting. I have a problem with who we are forced to report to...

I know I was very upset when asked to sign a form stating I would not abuse the kids in a youth program. I was there as a supporting adult.  An abuser would sign, knowing that was the way to get close to the kids.

None of this is authentic.  I know this is the stupid answer, but we need to be part of community. Within true community, with true connections and awareness, child abuse is not such a secret. And it does not have to happen - because there is support and nurture and someone to help. Reporting to DSS will not lead to community.  It will only further destroy community.

As Friends, we do have to be brave enough to do something.  So, if we choose not to be listed as court mandated reporters, what will we do instead?

We have to do something.  This may be the query to take before Friends.

I like vegetables.  A lot. And I am willing to try any vegetable.  So far, there's only one vegetable I have ever, ever found that I simply do not like.  Okra.  To me, it is bland and it is slimy.  These are two of my least favorite sensations. Together - yuck!  My son lived in North Carolina  when he did his apprenticeship. He said the deep fried okra was good.  But I don't eat deep fried foods, so I will never know!

I have my house pulled apart.  It is a mess here.  I am taking everything off shelves and cleaning, and probably moving them.  I guess I'm getting ready for winter.

I had the baby overnight, and we had a marvelously soaking time giving the dogs baths today.  As I was combing one, after her bath, I noticed she only had a few fleas near her tail.  The rest of her was clear - she has more problems with skin allergies than anything else.  I always thought fleas liked to congregate near the head because they used the eyes and lips as a source of fluid.  I wondered about hind-end fleas. Then my mind did the weird thing... and I wondered if the universe was a dog. Sometimes, resources seemed very far away.  But sometimes the dog curled up to sleep and the tail was right there, nearby.  Maybe worm-holes are just sleepy dogs.

So that's where my mind is today!

It is quiet, I have lots to do...later, little sister!

Love and hugs from Clare

breaking from normal

Clare,

I like the feeling of belonging…
but I sometimes am seduced by the idea of belonging.
If I do or say the right thing…
then I'll belong.
That frightens me.
Early on…
when my kids were struggling in school I read something that said something like…
once people realize they have a choice…
those that shoos to exercise an alternative choice are the most"dangerous" to the system…
once a person has the courage to buck the system once they don't stop questioning.
I took my kids out of public school for alternative educations…
Montessori, homeschool, cyber school, charter schools, parochial school…
we have tried (and are still trying) many things…
carefully considering the child's needs at that time…
It was piece-meal, but effective…
I'm still doing it with one in parochial school and one in cyber-school.
That break with "normal" allowed me to leave the church that no longer resonated with my understanding of spirituality. It allowed me to separate from a marriage that had long ago died. It allowed me to resurrect that same marriage, not out of obligation but from a place of surrender and wisdom. At times I still want to run away…but the lessons are here to help me to mature and grow.
So I stay…
by choice.

How do you feel about RE teachers being mandated reporters?
I get so frustrated by the view that it is intrusive and an unreasonable intrusion by the government.
My view is that people have had decades or centuries to report child abuse and most have felt uncomfortable and ignored it or felt it was not their problem…now there are rules saying that if there is suspicion you must report.
Doesn't your conscience tell you the same thing?
I've reported suspected child abuse multiple times since I finished medical school. It's damned uncomfortable to make that call…
but it might save a child trauma and a lifetime of problems- physical, emotional and spiritual.
I just have such difficulty seeing the other side of this question.

Sundays have become CSA basket day. We get a basket of vegetables every Thursday from a local organic farm. Everything that doesn't get eaten before Sunday gets thrown into Sunday dinner. Tonight I am roasting potatoes with parsley, beets with balsamic, and eggplant that will get a balsamic drizzle after their cooled. I have okra, but haven't decided what to do with it yet. I may freeze it until soup season. Any suggestions for okra?

Anyway. It sounds like you've had a wonderful weekend.
Love and Light,
Maggie

How many planets?

Hey Maggie,

We all get to be the hermit sometimes.  I think it is a great sign of maturity - being able to, or even enjoying, spending time alone. Alone means no distractions - just you and your thoughts.

You should be proud of your youngest. He has the makings of being a fine man.

Years ago, a friend and I were invited to quite a few places to do a workshop.  We had worksheets we helped people work through, and in the end there was a number.  That number told us - if everyone on the planet lived your lifestyle, how many planets worth of resources would we need. Most people scored around 6. A few went as high as 23.

I was living in the cabin, which did not have electricity. We had a hand pump and a woodstove, and I still got a score of 2. As long as we have cars, we are using more than our fair share of the world's resources.  I scored a 1 once. It was the year I was living in the cabin with my three youngest kids, and I shared my car with my son.

We live in a country where all of the rails have been removed.  There is no public transportation in my village.  None.  At all.  We have been pushed into a lifestyle where we must consume.

And we don't think about it. It's simply the American way.

My best friend from college has been doing some research and found that even though, logically, we don't believe everything we see on TV, the primitive part of our brain is recording it all and believing it.  All of those messages about standard of living, about the size of our space and the type of furnishings, we believe it all.

When I was doing the workshops, Americans were 5% of the world's population and we were using 25% of the world's resources.

When people were doing the sheets, and they saw the numbers, one of two things happened.  Either they started arguing trivialitites - this isn't exactly like my life. We would remind them we were going for a rough idea. But they wouldn't let go of arguing about minor differences. Other people would simply turn the paper over and promise to finish at home.

We are uncomfortable with our participation in exploitation.  But how do we escape?

Anyway, we began warning people.  We began telling them they were going to be very uncomfortable with the numbers they got.  But by the end of the workshop, we could give them at last one idea for reducing their score.

Walked several miles, pushing a stroller, and attended a small music festival today. I met old friends and talked to quite a few people. I am left with a sense of belonging.  I like that.

Tired but happy...love and hugs from...

Clare

still time

Clare,

I once visited a website that asks a lot of questions about your lifestyle and then calculates how many slaves created your "stuff". I believe my score was 80.
80…
It blows my mind that we exist on the backs of others. I try to make ethical purchases…
but slave labor is hidden.
Hershey had negative publicity a few years ago…
not only for purchasing child-slave produced cocoa beans…
but they also require the Milton Hershey School exchange students to work in the factory.
I was in NC…
waiting for the ferry…
discussing this with my kids.
A woman got very irate…
told me not to believe everything I read…
she was from Hershey, PA…
they're not slaves…
they're here for a free education…
something should be required of them.
Why?
Why can't they be like the US students who get a free education because they are from disadvantaged families?

I try not to buy Hershey products either…
although sometimes I admit I will to get peanut/nut free chocolate for my family.

I am having a strange day…
I want to be as far from my family as possible.
My youngest came home from a sleepover about noon and is going out again soon.
My older son fought with me about doing stupidly simple assignments for his cyber-school…
"Why should I do such ridiculous work?" he asked…
"Because it is required" I responded…
and then he lost his temper.
He hates school work.
He doesn't know what to do with himself.
He worries about the future…
what will he do to make a living?
He wants to quit…
but realizes it's not a good choice for the future.
I suggested he take the GED, while he is working on the assignments…
if he passes all 4 components of the GED he can quit school and move on…
I cannot fight every day with him.
Husband is off for 3 days and wants to spend every minute together…
while that is a wonderful sentiment...
I need a little space in my day…
So, I took off for 2 hours…
ran errands…
had a little me time…
I think I feel better.

My youngest played well last night in his first football game of the season.
He is maturing.
Instead of being aggressive and impulsive…
he was focused and controlled.
He made 3 great catches, 57 yards total.
He made one catch over his head that he had to jump up and reach over his head.
He made a dramatic touchdown where he stretched out to put the ball over the goal line as he was tackled to make the touchdown…unfortunately one of his team-mates was called for holding so it didn't count.
He picked up a fumble on the three yard line and his team scored on the next play.
His team ended up losing.
After the game we were worried about him losing his temper…
an all too familiar pattern for him.
He was the last player from his team off the field.
We asked him why he was last and he said that he went to the player that he lined up against all evening to congratulate him and wish him a successful season.
WOW…
he's really maturing.

I hope that I am maturing as well as he.

I still have time.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Me too...

Hi Maggie,

Just for fun, I checked for ethically made computers.  There are none. Of the 20 possible points for being ethically made, no laptop ranks above 10.  My pc ranks 4.5.  I didn't choose it or buy it.  I worked for someone who then ordered it and had it sent to me.  Nonetheless, I am also guilty of supporting this slave culture.

One thing about not having much money is that it is easier not to buy things.  Each purchase is a decision. It's a pain, but I think maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

I have been reading more about the slave labor that goes into producing electronics.  I can see the problems. But if I stretch my mind a little, I see my own slavery.  If I didn't have this pc, I would not be able to do my job.  Without a job, I would be homeless.  I have to do as my corporation says I must.  I do not shake the tree much, because - without a job I would be homeless.  So many of us are so close to homeless.

Somehow I think we are supposed to live on slavery, but not see it.  It pollutes our life, this interwoven pain, but we don't know what is wrong...

One piece of advice I saw while reading about ethically made products was to buy used.  I understood that about cars years ago. If we buy new car, the manufacturers are stimulated to make more.  If we buy used - I don't think that is true. Also, driving a new car off the lot lowers its value - it is no longer new.  The same is not true when we drive a two year old car off the lot.

I buy used a lot.  Most of my clothes are from second hand shops. I don't think I have any new furniture in my house.  Not much of anything - not pots or pans, not plates or silver...

Maybe I should sing a rousing verse of Second Hand Rose!

But buying used changes the economy, in ways that I want it to change.  Plus most items are in my price range.  Win-win!!

I also boycott Nestle. I have been doing that since 1982.  I boycott Monsanto, too.

It's late. I'm tired.  But I have a three day weekend...

Love and hugs to you and the dog and everyone else in the family!!

Clare

Guilty...

Clare,

I am alone in my house…
just me and the animals.
It is so quiet and peaceful. I worked all morning doing projects and cleaning…
my reward is quiet.
Savoring it.

Tonight is my youngest's first football game…
I am torn.
Part of me is grateful for the social distraction and exercise that it offers…
but I hate the hitting, tackling…
the potential injuries.
The interesting thing is that he leaves practice happy and smiling…
the physical contact balances him.
He eats healthier, sleeps better, is easier to get along with when he's playing football.
He has had previous warrior lifetimes…
this is his expression of that memory, I guess.

I am guilty of senseless consumerism in many ways. There are companies I boycott…
like Nestle, because it is convenient and easy for me.
I only buy fair trade, organic, nonGMO coffee when I'm out.
But, I do have a cell phone…
and I don't allow myself to think of the ripples.
Time to rethink…

So, my dog came home yesterday…
two days at the hospital.
She is much improved…
but not healed.
She is still fatigued, easily winded, not eating well- unless it's hamburger and rice.
But she is back at the house and the rest will take care of itself. Iw ill try the nettle, I think I have the tea bags here.
I agree that my animals have made me a better human. I often say that I trust animals before people almost universally. I can read their intention. Humans are better able to disguise their intent.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

conforming consumers

Hi Maggie,

I love your description comparing counseling with Quaker meeting - simply waiting in silent anticipation.  I want you to be my counselor!!  Or someone like you. That was so beautiful.

I hope the dog is home and settled and refreshed.  I recommend you give her some nettle tea. Just put some in her water. I think that relationship between human and furpeople is so important. They hold our hearts. They teach us to be more human/humane.  Sending love to her...

And my big-sisterly advice is to trust your process.  There is a reason you are in slow motion.  It is okay. You will kick into gear. You always do.  Then you get the most amazing things done.  It will happen again.

S#5  joined an on-line community of people who will move 100 miles this month.  Walk, run, swim, bike, treadmill - it doesn't matter, as long as the goal is 100 miles.  She inspired me, and I joined.  I mentioned it to her, and she said this is her second month.  But I have begun walking in earnest.  Today the baby and I walked down to the little convenience store at the bottom of the hill.  Then we trudged back up.  On the way up I passed my middle child.  He was on his way home from work, and he pulled over so we could chat.  I was glad for the break, and glad to see his beautiful face!

I told him I had just heard that their older child, my oldest granddaughter, wants to go to school again this year. But the little one will be homeschooled, at least for a few years.  My son told me his daughter had a school friend stay overnight. She came in with her cell phone - the kids are 11 now.  When my daughter-in-law asked the friend to turn off the phone, the child said she is not allowed to turn it off when she is away from home.

My granddaughter is, of course, begging for a phone.  My son explained the process of making a phone - people in China forced to work long hours, the use of toxic minerals.  He told her how there were people his age with destroyed joints because of the way they are forced to work.  He said he refuses to support this industry.  (That's definitely my child!!!  I am proud!!)

My granddaughter did not hear him.  All she knows is that her friends have a cell phone, she wants one too.  It is hard to be different from the others.  We just want to be like everyone else...

Which was when I started getting angry.  When my oldest was in first grade and in the public school, her teacher called me in for a conference. They were worried about her, she said.  At recess she preferred to play with the kindergarteners - the younger kids.  They thought this might indicate some problems with her development.  And I sat there and swallowed the BS, I started to worry. Until my own brain, my own wisdom broke through. She was six.  They were five.  There was not a big difference between them.  This was all about drama. This was all about conformity.  We must conform or we make the institution nervous.

When my oldest son was in kindergarten, he did a math page in class. Every answer was correct.  (In fact, he got moved to an older classroom for math because his skills were more developed than his peers.)  But he doodled as he thought.  I do that. If you look at my notebook page when I am taking minutes, there is a lot of delightful artwork. His teacher told him he could not go out to recess with his class. He had to sit and do the math sheet again, with no stray marks.  This was part of the reason he became a kindergarten drop-out.

Again, I was livid. That had nothing to do with math and everything to do with conformity.

We are only allowed to talk to people born the same year as us. We have to wear the accepted clothes and have the accepted accessories of life. If we don't we are losers. We are pushed out.

When I was in school, I like being outside, most of the time. But it's hard.

I just can't get passed the fact that the purpose of public education is to produce conforming consumers.  Conformists are necessary, so they don't have to produce many different items.  Just something new every year to make sure we have to have it...

So my granddaughter will have to suffer with my son as her father, my son who says no to immoral products. 

So, that's where I am today...

Love and hugs from Clare

Slow motion

Clare,

Sorry for the mini-sabbatical…
actually it was not restful at all.

My big dog has been very sick. She slowed WAY down over the weekend and by Monday was nearly lethargic. She laid on the floor all day, barely lifting her head and occasionally wagging her tail when I said her name. She refused to eat. She drank little, and she had a fever. We took her to the vet yesterday, who kept her overnight because she had blood work that showed acute infection as well as dehydration. She got IV fluids and antibiotics overnight, finally peeing in the morning after about 24 hours or more of no urine. Her urine shows kidney damage, the blood work shows liver damage. This morning her temp was back up to 104.8 and the vet believes she has leptospirosis…a bacterial infection. They changed her antibiotic and she perked up by this afternoon. My oldest and I visited her at the vet and she was so excited to see us- her whole body was wagging. She was so sad when we left her there again. One more night to make sure she's responding, then she can come home. I have been worried about her survival. My oldest told me today, "she is definitely your dog", because of the way she responds to my presence. But, last summer she spent weeks by my side as I recuperated from my surgery. She had to be forced to leave to eat and go outside to poop and pee. We have a mutual admiration. Anyway, it looks like the worst is behind her now.

I think you are on to something with your self-analysis. Perhaps you are one of the "light-bearers" sent to lead, by word and example, the younger generation of indigos. It's not easy living outside the "norm" and yet you stay there comfortably.

Hermits still need interaction with other beings…
they aren't totally isolated.
They choose when, where, and how often they connect.

I love that your flowers are "in your face" with their messages.

A nearby community houses a detention center for illegal immigrants. My Meeting has worked hard to raise awareness and push for their rapid release of detainees to family or local communities. With the court ruling in California many of these detainees have been released. One family, from China, has been sponsored by our Meeting. The father is a psychologist who leaked information to the press about the mis-diagnosis and pharmaceutical treatment of political dissidents. He fled with his wife and daughter to avoid detention himself. I am amazed by the courage of this man and his family. I hope to be able to spend time with them as they settle into life in our county.

I am not feeling particularly "purpose driven" these days.
I though that I was being called upon to open my life and home to the foster child…
but he's chosen to give his family a little more time to come through for him.
I thought that I would finish a project for my former employer by the end of the summer…
but I haven't picked it up since early July.
I am reading materials to put into my proposed course for the spring term…
but haven't put together an outline on paper or computer.
My life seems to be in slow motion…
kind of wandering aimlessly…
but I actually do trust that it is leading me somewhere.

Tomorrow is another day of listening…
trying to hear their pain and point out their rationalizations.
I had a client this past week who is struggling with her kids…
she is living in 2 rooms with them and a dog…
and insists upon arranging and rearranging the furniture…
to the point that her older daughter had a meltdown because she just wants to spend time with her…
I tried to gently point out the furniture moving and organizing was a distraction because she really doesn't know what good parenting is…
she had a horrendous childhood…
multiple caregivers, each abusing or neglecting her in some way…
perhaps she is avoiding rather than confronting her own lack of self-confidence…
self-confidence isn't the right word…
She was offended at first…
thinking I was criticizing her parenting…
then she kind of understood what I was saying…
I hope that by next week she will have observed her own behaviors enough to become aware of the patterns.
I am never sure if my approach is correct…
but I try to be as honest as possible.
I try to listen until a clear message comes to me that I share with the client…
kind of like a Quaker Meeting.

I hope you have a peaceful night.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie