fake it

Hi Maggie,

When we were posting about enough, you said you felt petty when you thought about some of who got what, and who didn't, in our family.  And suddenly the word "petty" made me angry.  I can remember hearing,  "Don't be so petty."  It means - shut up and stop, do not point out my injustice.  It was using shame to quiet us.  It was never really about the stuff.  It was about justice, being able to trust those in power.

Your son is teaching you a lesson - he is being very honest - or at least he is trying valiantly to teach you.  His lesson is that you are not in charge and you may not discipline him. He is in charge and he gets to do whatever he wants to.  And you are reduced to harassing him on the phone.

Part of me thought - lock the door.  You want out, boy, you're out.  You want in, then there are rules.   But the mom part of me thought of some retaliation decisions, and I know it is not  good to start a war.  Especially in one's own home.

When they were teens, I negotiated a lot with mine. It wasn't easy, and there were times when I wanted to rip my hair out and scream,  "Just do what I say!"  But once the negotiations ended, mine were honorable enough to do what they agreed to do.

You and your son might want to talk about what you owe each other.  I used to tell mine, "I know you don't have any respect for me right now.  You can hate me if you want.  But you are going to fake it and pretend you respect me.  You will not talk to me or treat me like this."

He owes you respectful behavior. You owe him safety and sustenance.  You do not owe him money, an allowance.  You do not owe him a phone, a license, a car, the latest clothes, rides, lessons, sports equipment.  You give him those things because he is valuable to you, because you want to give him the best.  But you don't owe him that.

If it's not mutual, if you do your part, and he does not do his part...where will that lead?  Is that a place you want to go?

I'm not inside, and I don't know exactly what is going on.   And I am desperately trying to not be the "Bossy One" as Mom often labelled me to the world.  I'm just throwing out some thoughts and sending them to you with loving concern.  Your son is too cool to lose!!

I have a toddler dismantling my office. Sigh.  Tomorow will be a toddler-free day.

Love and hugs from Clare