on the road - happily

Good morning,

I'm up early fretting and finishing up packing.There was one book I wanted to take, and I simply can not find it.  One last look, I guess...

I have decided not to take my computer with me.  I really want to, but I only have one and if anything happens to it, I can not work. As one of the many paycheck-to-paycheck Americans - this is a concern. I am worried about bumping it around, but my oldest pointed out that its the kind of thing people steal.  Do I really want to be that vigilant and suspicious for three days??

So I will be electronic free and completely incommunicado until I get there!

I won't be back here in cyberworld until Monday, and then I don't know what will happen.  My son said their computer died. I know they use an iPad.  I'll see what works.  If I can't get on, I won't be able to post until August 19 or 20. If that is the case, I will write, the old fashioned way, and transcribe when I get home.

So, I had an insight this week.

I found I was getting real excited about this trip...kind of like Christmas Eve excited.  But I started listing the to-dos and other things I have to worry about, and brought myself back down.  I do this for Christmas, too. I kind of pride myself on just working and getting things done, then suddenly it's Christmas and I have a good day. 

I suddenly remembered, and heard Dad inside my head.  He used to be in good moods and make promises of fun things we would all do tomorrow. Then tomorrow he would be angry with us for expecting anything of him.  And we would hear the:  You damn kids...tirade.  There were so many things we were promised that he reneged on, in anger.  I learned not to believe, not to get excited.  I stopped being excited about Christmas years ago. 

That's so sad.

And it takes us back to the questions we have asked over and over and over  -  How do we get Dad out of our heads?????

So, I'm looking for a little excitement, somewhere herein my soul.  I'm really happy to be able to go see my son and his wife and their kids.  I'm really happy!

Love and hugs from Clare

family

Poor Mama,

I feel your pain.

Mine try to fix each other, too.  They criticize and sort of turn on each other.  Two of them try to force the youngest to grow up.  They don't seem to notice that she doesn't want what they want.

I feel like I have always accepted people the way they are.  I wish we had that in the family - in that sacred space where everyone is supposed to feel safe.

The older kids are "concerned" about my watching the baby, for free, too much. There is a level of worrying about me, but there's another level of forcing the spoiled baby to grow up.  Add to that their resentment because she could wrap Daddy around her little finger for years. 

Each of the kids went through a rough patch with their Dad when they hit their early 20s.  He treated them poorly and they hated it/him.  As they age into their late 20s, each has made peace with him. He is currently being a shit to the youngest, and I think encouraging the older kids to pressure her.

She knows she is not one of them.  She knows she is not good enough.  And on some levels it makes us a family just playing our parts.

As damaged as I was/we were - this is not surprising. We had no role models.  We don't know how to be a supportive, connected family - although we want a supportive, connective family.

And for your son at home, this is part of how he moves out of the family and becomes an adult. A family with adult children has a very different dynamic than a family with kids.

I went and had dinner with my middle son and his family tonight.  I miss my oldest granddaughter's birthday when I go out west. So tonight I took her ice cream and a new book. She gave me her favorite book of all time to read on the bus. And I found out that my grandson wants a sleepover at my house alone - no sister, no cousin.  He often tells his Mom that I miss him and he needs to come and see me.

I am haphazardly trying to pack and clean house and prepare for a meeting tomorrow evening...typical me!!

Hope your day goes better tomorrow.

Love and hugs,

Clare

(Sisters weekend in November. We'll behave. Honest!)

vacation rant

Clare,

So, tonight my daughters decided to have a spat at the restaurant…
I took the oldest and left to avoid the continued embarrassment…
they are both critical and sensitive…
they criticize each other…
and yet are sensitive to each others' comments.
You cannot be offended when you are frequently offensive.

I don't get it.
Their father and I have always been respectful towards them and each other…
I think that's true.
But they criticize me because I'm not harsh and tough on the boys, particularly the youngest.
They think their criticisms will mold him…
no, they only anger and hurt him.
They talk to each other in a way that offends the other…
I don't know how to correct this pattern…
except to call them out and raise awareness.

I took a long walk after we got home. All I can think of is the young man I've been telling you about who has no real family…
and all he wants is to knit his broken family back together…
even if it means sacrificing opportunity.
Mine would sacrifice each other to gain opportunity for themselves.
That sounds harsh…
but it feels realistic right now.

I hate the fact that they have had the best of everything that I could give them…
my time, energy, love, attention, as well as "things"…
and all they can think of is themselves.
I don't get it.

I don't want another vacation until they can get along.

I called my older son and apologized for the circumstances that led up to his decision to stay home…
alone…
I think he's justified.
I wish I were there right now.

I love this island…
why do my kids have to be so tough?

Sorry for the rant…
It was a good day up until this evening…
I'll try to dwell on the positive.

Love and Light,
Maggie

relaxation

Clare,

Days here are wonderful…
not perfect…
there are still conflicts and spats…
but they melt away with a little sunshine and ocean breeze.
My oldest keeps telling me how much she loves it here…
My youngest has been incredibly independent…
tonight he blew a tire on a golf cart and had to be rescued…
of course his sisters gave him a hard time.

About my older son…
I love being home alone too.
I guess my biggest concern is that he feels as if he's not included in the family vacation…
even if he made the choice himself…
I don't want him thinking, "they didn't want me to come"…
or that we are having more fun without him there.

I want him to know that he is always wanted…
welcomed…
encouraged to come along…
but not commanded.
Does that make sense?

Today we walked and rode bikes and shopped and hiked in the woods, and ate and relaxed…
I had too much sun yesterday, so I avoided the beach.
No signs of dolphins yet this week.
We have a cardinal that has been flying around the house, pecking on windows…
it begins about 6:30 am and continues until sunset.
I've tried going out…
he comes back.
The guy at the hardware store said he is defending his territory from his own reflection…
I guess I'll just have to keep talking to him.

The two herons intrigues me…
what if she is flying with you through this part of your journey…
what if she's guiding you…
not taking you away…

I hope you have a wonderful trip.
I'll keep checking in through the week.
Love and Light,
Maggie

lists

Hi Maggie,


Ah the island.  I hope you are enjoying every minute!  I envy you!

I also envy your son, in a way.  I remember when I was finally old enough to stay home alone, and didn't have to go with you all.  The silence was like heaven. I loved that time.

My daughter is not allowed to go back to work until Wednesday.  So I am having an easy week...which is good, because I have not packed yet.  I will probably do that the night before.  I am getting caught up with laundry and the house.  I'm both dreading and looking forward to the bus ride.  Three days of being able to read, write, knit - it's nice. And the landscape is constantly changing.  But being in close quarters with strangers is both interesting and unsettling.

And I feel so pulled.  I want to be with the kids out west, hate to leave the kids in the east.  But that's every day...I miss the ones I am not with every single day.

I am thinking about what to take with me.  Mom made a notebook of the columns I wrote about the kids many years ago. They were complete in two notebooks.  The kids lent them to a friend, and I only got one back.  I don't think the western g-kids know about the columns.  That will be bedtime stories.  And I am taking my computer, and so  I can share all the family pictures.

My oldest gave me a blank book, and I had this feeling that someday a descendent would be interested in who we are, and so I started handwriting and commenting on some of our favorite recipes.  I want to invite others to do so too.  So that goes...

I want to take home to them.  I can't forget the camera. A friend in another country asked me to take pictures all across the country and email them.  One more project...

So, I guess I am not being deep and philosophical today. I'm just making lists...

Hope you are having a ball...

Love and hugs from Clare

island days

Clare,

My computer was returned the evening before we left for our trip. So, I brought it along. I've been catching up with cyber-world as a break from the beautiful surroundings. Our drive was very long…
3 separate traffic jams which made our trip 13 hours instead of 10.
We got here to see the sun set from our deck…
so all is well.
The island is more crowded than usual…
still nothing like the NJ beaches…
stepping over bodies looking for a place to lay your towels…
but people in line waiting for stuff.

I walked a loop of half the island this morning with husband.
Then we got morning beverages.
After that my daughter #2 and I took bikes out to ride a loop around the island.
The chain from my bike popped off 4 times around the island. 3 times young men stopped to help us put it back on. I told my daughter, If I knew it was that easy to attract men I'd have tried it 30 years ago.
Then the girls and I went to the ocean and talked and played at water's edge. It was great…

It is strange not having my older son with us…
but it is peaceful…
and he seems content at home when I communicate with him.

I believe you are right about the young man teaching me lessons.
I am patiently waiting for him to come to some decision…
and then we can move from that place.
I realize that he has to investigate all options with his own family…
extinguish the fantasy of them rescuing him and finding perfection with them…
I just hope they don't raise his hopes one more time, just to drop him at the last minute…
again.
But, I've assured him that I will be here for him…
either as a therapist or a foster-mom…
he'll still have my support.
I hope that's enough.

I hope your daughter is feeling better.
I'll check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

summer afternoon

Hi Maggie,

My youngest was cleaning up some toys, stood up quickly and banged her head on a breaker door someone left opened.  She became dizzy and nauseous, she had to pull over to throw up. She went to work, but her boss sent her to the ER.  Diagnosis - mild concussion.  She can't work for three days. And I ended up keeping the baby overnight.

So I didn't get things done the way I had hoped. Instead - divine interruptions.

You wondered if Mom and Dad ever considered our safety.  My immediate thought was that they left you with me.  When I was 13, I was given responsibility for the eight of you, ages 12 through 3.  I was in no way ready or capable of being a good care provider.  Add to that my resentment of being told I would do it, rather than asked, or talked through it.  Definitely not wise.

But I suppose when you have 9 kids in 10 years, you can feel desperate to get away.  Any answer is good enough.

But we used to fight while they were gone.  I had a horrible time with B#1. 

Memories...

I talked to my oldest son, and he told me their computer died. So, I think I will take mine with me. I am wondering if I can get some writing done on the bus.  I have two things I am working on, and I never seem to have time. I am also going to take knitting projects.

It finally seems like summer here.  We are having a warm, humid summer day.  No one is here, and I am at a loss for what todo. There's so much that has to be done, but I also never get to just sit.

So, maybe, just until it's a little cooler...I will sit here and knit and enjoy the silence.

I think you are traveling to the island.  Travel safely.  I'll meet you here, soon.


Love and hugs from Clare

herons

Oh Honey, 

That's an awful lot of violence.  You're description left me worried...

S#3 was supposed to come visit this weekend.  But something happened to the car, and after two or three weeks, the car-fixer guy still hasn't found the right part.  I talked to her, as did her son, and she seemed just a tad stressed.  So he went for two nights.

I woke up alone in the house - well, except for the animals.  It feels nice.  Nephew is very quiet, never intrudes.  But there's something different about my day when I know I am alone.  I do like to be alone...

Perhaps the process of accepting a foster, or shepherding him to the right place, will be a great lesson in patience for you.  And faith.  You took the steps forward, opened heart and home. Now you have to stand, waiting and vulnerable.  This young man is your teacher as much as you are his!

As I stepped outside yesterday, I saw two blue herons flying over the tall trees at the back of the yard.  Herons were for my young friend who died at age 35 of ovarian cancer.  Occasionally when I see a heron, and before, it was always a single heron, it was from her.

Once, I was having a rough time and I was wondering if it was worth it...is any of this worth it.  I get suicidal thoughts sometimes...never strong enough to act on, but thoughts that getting the hell out of here would be far less painful than staying.  I was feeling that way and driving down a hill toward my beloved lake, when a blue heron dropped down in front of my car and stayed with me for a few minutes.  I was filled with my friend letting me know that being healthy and alive was a gift...

Another time I was working at my desk and a blue heron swooped down, flew right at the window in front of my desk, then up over the house.  I knew my friend wanted something.  Later that day I found out her mother was really suffering.

But I have never sen two blue herons together before.

I decided to see what the totem means...

(speakerfortheanimals.blogspot.com/2006/03/great-blue-heron.html)

Solitary in nature, Heron people follow their own path. They learn self-reliance. This is a valuable character trait in these times of conformity and homogenization of values. Heron people can stand alone, listen to their own inner wisdom, and go their own way when everyone else is conforming to society’s commands. In this way, they build their own ways to be as well as choose their own way of doing. They are individuals first.

Oh my God - is that me?

I had the eerie thought that maybe my friend was coming to take me home - maybe my time is done. But I don't think so.  I feel a little too much "here"

Oh well, today is beautiful.  I am in love with the Earth and with the bumble bee who landed on my shoulder in the garden!  I will work for one hour, then close down the computer and mow the back yard!

Love and hugs from Clare

a day to remember

Clare,
What a memory...did they consider our safety, ever?

Your baby will miss you too. But you can only be in one place at a time, so enjoy the west.

Yesterday was an day to remember. I was working, my boys got into a fight over pot. Husband had found and flushed the youngest' stash two days before. So the young one found some bits and pieces in his brother's room and smoked in there to piss him off and get him in trouble.
This proceeded into a physical battle where the younger pinned his brother to the floor and put his hands on his throat. He let him up and walked away. A little while later, The older came back towards his brother with a bat. My oldest broke it up, but now the older son refuses to go on vacation with us. I suspect he wanted to refuse earlier because of all the house guests, but is finally verbailizing it. The younger son had a break through, did a blanket stepping(Anasazi term). He left a pile of drugs and paraphernalia on the old blanket and stepped to the new blanket picking up courage to honor that commitment.

I went to sleep and had a dream...
My youngest and I were building fire. I began by gathering small stick and dried leaves, then gathered bigger, dried pieces of wood, and finally searched for seasoned logs. At the same time my son pushed together a large pile of sticks, grass, and debris, poured gasoline onto it and lit it. You know what happened to his pile. I believe he shared my fire with me, but I'm not sure.

I got up this morning and wrote him a letter about the dream. Perhaps he will see the wisdom.

So, update on the young man. He is torn by the choice of living with us. He doesn't want to get attached and then have something happen. The truth is that he is already attached, so am I, which would make rejection even more painful. He also talked with his father about this and his father wants him to foster with an aunt about 30 miles from here. Dad never offered this option before, but faced with him living with another family he remembered there is someone who might care for him and his brother. I asked the young man to investigate those options. I will remain his counselor if he chooses that route, or I will proceed with fostering him. There will be relationship. I will see him after vacation and he will let me know how he wants to proceed. Part of me wants to run in and rescue him. Tell him that his family is jerking him around again. Give him haven and nurture him so that he can grow...and yet he has to come to the conclusions himself...he has to decide what family means to him...how much he is willing to surrender...is he ready to move forward?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

random memory

Preparing for a vacation makes a vacation even more necessary. 

I will be around for one more week, then I have the three days on the bus, followed by two weeks with my son and his family, and then home again and back to work.  I am worried about leaving the baby. I will miss her so much --  I am probably more worried about missing the baby...

I had a stray memory.  I don't think I've written about it before.  When we lived in the big house in the small town, Mom and Dad were friends with another couple.  That was unusual. Mom and Dad never had many friends - we kept moving so why invest the time, I guess.  But this couple - he was military, she was a second wife - spent time with us, and they all went out together a few times.

The wife started not being around and I asked Mom why.  Mom told me the wife,  Anne, was spending weekends in jail.  She was found guilty of physically abusing her stepson, the son of her husband.  But Mom told me not to worry.  She and Dad knew Anne did not abuse her son.  He had internal injuries from hitting his handle bars during a bike accident.

Mom and Dad left us with them one night.  

Now, as the memory reemerged, I found myself wondering,  "What were they thinking?"

I have no idea if anything happened. But our parents left us with someone who was jailed for child abuse...

It's late, and I am off to bed...

Love and hugs from Clare

long days

Clare
My house is in pre-vacation chaos. I'm trying to get things clean and packed. My boys are fighting over insignificant shit. The girls are buying "necessities". And husband is quietly stressing.

We moved daughter#2 out of her apartment last night. She will be living with friends at the end of the summer for her apprenticeship. It was a long evening, filled with challenges, but we survived. We took a lot of the furniture to the domestic violence shelter and donated it to their transitional apartments.

I have a long day at the office. I'm going to close this early and get a jump on the day.

Love and Light beautiful sister.
Maggie

The Observer

RIP Dear Computer...unless resurrection is imminent!!

I hate the concept of being mean to toughen people up.  I  truly believe that providing sanctuary, a safe place of acceptance, leads to resilience.  And that is true "toughness."

It seems maybe taking just the young man, and maintaining close ties with his brother is a good way to start. As long as everyone is comfortable.  What do your kids think?

When my friend failed to see me, I was not upset or hurt. I kind of laughed, inside.  We were in a crowd, people were moving a lot. Everyone was trying to stay out of everyone else's way.  Our friend saw my daughter and hugged her, then had to shift attention to people passing by.  He was about to leave when I caught his eye. 

I had a friend who was Native American.  He said we could become invisible by taking on the vibration of whatever we were in or next to.  If I were standing next to a tree, and I took on the vibration of the tree, people would not notice me.  I felt like I was doing that at festival a little.  Just subduing mysef and going with the flow...

I tend to be a weirdo.

I had another friend, the man who died last year right after Christmas.  He told me there are two kinds of people.  There are turtles who walk close to the Earth and know their home region intimately. Then there are the eagles who move and experience different places and have a broad perspective. He said I am an eagle. I can see the bigger picture, understand the broader perspective.

That appealed to me, just as your comment about having to be outside in order to be an observer. I kind of like that. 

I have  never heard of sling yoga before.  I was taking classes in Svaroopa yoga, using pillows and bolsters to support positions.  I think the sling would be better.  I like your description!

I went to the park today.  I swung on the swings, I went down the big slide and I waded in the lake.  At first I was resenting the time I was losing while my house screamed out for cleaning.  But then I let it go, and enjoyed the lake.  I love the lake so much!!

Hope you had some fun today, too...


Love and hugs,

Clare

encourage connection

Clare,

My computer died, a traumatic death. I dropped it and then several days later spilled coffee onto it. It is at the computer hospital, hopefully being saved.

To answer the two-fer question...
I know he has a brother at the group home.
He moved into the home about 18 months ago...
After he moved in Dad started to visit...
He rarely visited before that...
Holidays,maybe...
Suddenly he was stopping by every weekend...
Well that set my young fried off...
He ran away and threatened suicide...
And was hospitalized for two weeks...
The two brothers fight a lot...
I guess I'm trying to create a haven for this young man...
Maybe I'm wrong...
Maybe it's better to toughened people up...
I just see a gentler side to this kid.
I would ensure frequent contact...
With brother and dad...
People need family...
Even if family is inept...
And unable to meet our needs.

Perhaps you are an observer...
Rather than outsider.
Perhaps your purpose is to point out the obvious inconsistencies that we want to overlook...
You can't be an objective observer if your part of the group.
Do you think Lucretia Mott or John Woolman were embraced by their community?
I bet they were respected, from a distance...
I don't think they were a part of the in crowd.

When your Friend greeted your daughter and not you, were you making eye contact? Were you open to be greeted, or looking down, trying to be invisible? Pay attention to your body language and create opportunity for connection...
Others feel uncertain of themselves too...
Encourage connection.

I went to a sling yoga class last evening. It was one of the most gentle exercises I've ever done. The room has multiple fabric slings connected to the ceiling hanging to about two feet off the floor. You sit in the sling and position your body into yoga poses, totally supported by the sling. I did a back bend, it felt great!
I did a shoulder stand inversion, that felt even better.
The sling gently swayed and rocked as we moved...
Shavasina...relaxation pose...was incredible...I was totally engulfed in the cacoon of the sling...gently rocking with each breath. It was so good for my neck and back.

I leave for vacation in 4 days...I'm not sure how much time I'll spend on the computer...
I'll have to borrow other's computers to get here. I will be back regularly August 2.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Why am I here?

Hi Mags,

You asked why I am here this time - why did I incarnate?  I am not sure.  I do know that everyone who is here now came for the magnificent changes we are experiencing.  We are sort of midwives for the birth of a new era, at least for our species' part of it.  But there's always more.

I wonder if I am here to rediscover community. I struggle so much with wanting to be an insider, with wanting to have a group, with wanting to belong.  Yet, I feel so much like the selves your healer described -- intellectual, analytical, separated. I feel more like a watcher than a liver...if that makes any sense.

I don't know how to get in the middle of things, and maybe that's what I am supposed to learn. If so, I'm doing a rather shitty job of it, if I do say so myself. 

But, maybe not, because some of my most important leadership roles have involved being my nonconformist self, doing what I see is right, then, later, noticing others are doing the same.

But through it all, I do tend to remain aloof.  And that seems to be becoming more pronounced as I get older.  I can see a hermit inside me.

I am also terrified of being loved, which pairs so nicely with that inner need to belong.

I think I am here to say,  "Another way is possible."  whether anyone hears me or not...

Still thinking about 60, and wondering what my thing is. What do I love so much thatI want to see it, show it, next year???

I hope you are having a great  weekend.  

Sending lots of love and hugs,

Clare

post-fest for me

Hi Maggie...

So the potential new son might be a two-fer-one deal.   What are you thinking?  Is it possible to take both?  I know it is possible to keep them in close touch with each other.  Why did you not know about the sibling from the beginning?

One of my closest friends recently bought a lake house.  She said we could use it whenever we liked...consider ourselves family.  But she also said that while hostessing is fun, having to be responsible for everyone, having to make conversation, etc. was not always the point. It was okay if we both brought books and disappeared into them.

It seems to me your vacation has turned into a hostessing event.  That is so different than a vacation...

I hope you find balance.
 
I spent yesterday at the fest, but came home earlyish with all local grandchildren. We had a sleep-over so parents could have a free, long night at the fest.  I went back again today for most of the afternoon with my youngest and her babe.  Hung out a lot with a closest friend.  After we left the fest, we stopped at the lake house and jumped in the lake.  Then we had local ice cream and came home.  We laughed a lot, which was good.

At the fest, I had, as I have every year, that strong sense of being alone in a crowd - of not really belonging to a people.  The aforementioned friend says she often feels the same. Maybe it's being middle aged and single.  Middle aged women are invisible.  It's nice, but it's difficult...ah, paradox.  A family friend hugged Daughter, and didn't see me right away...I know the fest is chaotic, and he did see me, and did greet me warmly, but it sort of dug in that feeling of invisibility.

But maybe it's better not to see me.  A F/friend I haven't seen for a while saw me and said I looked fabulous.  I said I didn't feel fabulous.  Then, internally, I slapped my mouth and ordered myself to just say Thank You in the future. Good Lord, what is wrong with me!

The other little point I wanted to mention was being at the lake.  I decided not to jump in.  Instead I sat and watched the water in the sunset light - that liquid gold time of night...The water was calm, rolling. There were no speed boats or jet skis, so the water gave the impression of having one skin - supple and moving.  It was beautiful, and it let me know it is alive.  I sort of heard that all water is one water...

So I hope you have time to sit and watch the wter when you get to the island...


Love and hugs from Clare

venting

Clare,
I've been very busy as well. I spent yesterday running around Long Island, looking for an apartment for my daughter. We were about to give up, head home and regroup when she made one more call. She found a cute one bedroom above businesses in a quaint, small town on a harbor. It's only 4 miles from school and 3 from a store she hopes to work in.  I'm glad we didn't give up. One less stress.

I had a talk with the young man this week. When I asked him if he'd consider living with my family he immediately said yes. I invited him to ask me questions about my home and family. I asked him to consider it this week. At the end of the hour he got very emotional and said he couldn't leave his brother. I or we have to consider keeping them together or arranging consistent contact between them. I am nervous about a 13 year old I've never met. Tomorrow we are having a family dinner, I'm going to talk with all of my kids to see what their reactions or responses are to this possible change in our family. I'll keep you posted.

Vacation begins in one week. I'm really looking forward to it. I am a little overwhelmed though, honestly. My daughter's boyfriend's family invited themselves to join us for the final 2 days of our week. I am ok with that after figuring out where everyone will sleep. Last night his mom emailed me and told me she'd invited a friend to visit also. The woman is visiting a relative nearby and she told her to come to the island. I responded that she is welcome to visit the house but there isn't room for her to stay overnight. I think I'm disappointed because it feels as if vacationing with us isn't enough, she's got to bring along friends too.
Sorry, I'm just venting...

Love and Light,
Maggie

AWOL

Oh no...I've been AWOL for 3days.  I don't think I have ever missed this much time here before.  I am surprised.

This week has raced be.  It is festival week here, and I have been working and doing some volunteering.  Mostly, I have had the baby a lot...excuses, excuses...

I like patience. It leaves you open for synchronicity...those magic moments of connection.


Yeah ---  my daughter just arrived.  I was afraid I would not have enough time to really write.  I think I will be able to really be here tomorrow night or Sunday morning...

Love and hugs from Clare

synchronicity

Clare,

Those are big lessons.
So, another question…
what is the purpose of this lifetime for you?

I really think my lesson is patience this incarnation.
Everything I've ever accomplished has taken patience…
and perseverance.
I think my purpose is to shine a light on interpersonal violence…
try to decrease it…
even if by only a few victims.
I had a conversation with a guidance counselor today…
we've been friendly for many years…
I invited her to join the board of the domestic violence shelter.
I was nervous asking…
she wants to hear more…
to consider what she can offer to the board.
She asked me how I came to serve on the board…
I remember going out with some of my students for Take Back the Night- 3+ years ago…
sponsored by the DV shelter…
organized by a university student.
I talked with people about the importance of spreading the word about the epidemic of interpersonal violence…
a woman overheard me and wanted to talk.
She asked me to consider going onto the board because of my passion to make a meaningful change occur…
I hadn't thought about that in a long time.
Synchronicity.

I will keep you posted on the foster issue.
I believe I am seeing the young man this week…
I hope I do.

I have been running around so much since I stopped working at the agency. Somehow I thought I'd spend more time at home, but I run every day. Today I spent the morning in the car…
and then worked on a project from home.
I've got to settle into this routine of being home.

Our vacation is coming up very quickly…
back to the island.
We have a lot of friends coming this time…
I've explained that I need this to be a vacation for me as well as the kids…
they understand and agree…
at least while we're here…
we shall see how well they remember once we are on the island.

Anyway, I've got to go pick up my youngest from football practice.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

lessons?

Hey Sister,

I really admire your willingness to ask the hard questions.  I hope you end up fostering this young man, but even if you don't - the fact that you considered it will help him know he is worthy.  Someone noticed him and wanted him...I hope it is a fit.

I actually thought about the lessons I have learned so far.  I had a friend who used to remind us that our birthday is the celebration of completing a year.  I am in my sixtieth year now...

What I have learned...don't listen to what people say, watch what they do.  That is how we know who they truly are. This was a big one for me.

But another one that came to mind is...don't keep score.  Don't expect people to return favors.  Often what happens is someone who seems to take and not give is actually giving to someone else somewhere we can't see.   I had a friend who owned a small store. She put an exchange box out for customers.  People who had something they didn't need any more put it in the box.  People who needed it, took it. She commented that the same people seemed to take, and to never give.  The response that came out of my mouth surprised me.  I noted that they were probably giving somewhere else.  She thanked me.

I do believe in a gifting society.  But if we keep score - it's not a gift.  A gift is simply released for the pleasure of it.

I have learned that this world is big and beautiful and abundant and it is a gift to be here, even when it is scary...

The big lesson I have not learned yet, even though I can quote it and sound like I probably mean it, is - I am enough.

I still have to work on I am enough.

The kitten has taken up residence on my desk.  We are working on - "Don't walk on the computer!"  My cat has not forgiven me. She seems to have switched alliance to Nephew, and won't let me pet her...

It is thundering and pouring here...again.  Sigh...

And my baby is due in any minute.

Back later - Love and hugs from Clare






















\

discernment

Clare,

I had a long talk with my Friend/friend about the fostering question. He was very good to speak with. He grew up in multiple foster homes, so he has a lot of personal insight. His advice was to ask myself, my family, and the young man some tough questions. He suggested I ask the young man to write a personal narrative, important experiences and their meaning to his life. He felt this would be a good way to gauge his readiness for family structure, and his expectations of family. This kid's a writer so he should be able to handle this. We talked about how it would impact my children and the young man. In the end he did not say, "no, absolutely not"…
it was more a process of discernment.
He asked a very good question though…
Are there other ways that I might better help this young man?
If I switch from being his counselor to being his mother, is that the best setting/circumstance for him?
I countered with the question, "If not us, who will give this young man a family?"
He is a 16 year old, black male in a county full of bigots.

Husband and I talked…
our biggest concern is that he will come her and our sons will introduce him to pot and potentially other substances.
What if he comes here and has bigger problems?
What if we mess up his life more than it is?

I am going to proceed, with caution.
I am going to talk with my kids about their attitudes around this.
I am going to speak with the group home he is living at.
and then I will re-evaluate.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

what can you say?

Clare,

The concert and tailgate were a lot of fun. My daughter's boyfriend's family loves to arrange parties and outings…all we do is show up.
We went with them 2 years ago to a Kenny Chesney concert…
it was also a lot of fun…
a few of my old friends are mutual friends with them and I enjoy catching up with them.
I do like his song, Don't Blink.

60 years is a lot to think back over…
what is your greatest lesson?
What can you say with certainty after 60 years?
It is a wonderful milestone…
but enjoy your 59th year while you're in it.

So, I've applied for multiple jobs, and have had no responses…
what is wrong with me?
The problem is that I am enjoying having the time off with my kids…
I may never want to go back to work.

Monday…another week.
I've got to take my oldest to apartment hunt this week.
I've got to try to keep the peace between my son and b#4.
I've got a dental appointment.
I've got to start moving my younger daughter out of her apartment.
And, most importantly, I've got to find time to play.
I hope you do too.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

surprises

Good morning,

How was your concert?  I played some Chesney on youtube and recognized some of his songs.  One I had never heard before really got to me...Don't Blink.  It made me very aware that I am going to be 60 years old on my next birthday.  I knew that, but it really didn't hit me before yesterday.  As I mowed the lawn, I walked round and round in circles and wondered what I should do to celebrate 60 years.  I had a lot of ideas, but none felt like the right idea.

So...I thought that when they grew up and moved out, there were certain situations I would never face again...like a wide-eyed pleading child holding a kitten and asking if "we" can keep it.

Last night some little girls found a small, blue-eyed butterscotch kitten in the parking lot of the hotel where my youngest works. It was scrounging for food.  They tried to get many people to take it. None would.  Boyfriend told my daughter his dad would kill them if they brought another cat into his house - which is where they are living for the summer.  So my daughter decided to bring it to her mama.  It is a little boney, and has eye infections, but otherwise seems healthy.

The girls requested we call it Sarah, but it's a him, so we'll have to think again, maybe.

My cat, who considers me to be her own personal property, is sulking and skulking, then puffing and spitting when the new one looks at her.

I was up a lot last night. I had the kitten and the dog who always sleeps with me in the bed.  The dog, one of Niece's, is wonderful - gentle and intelligent.  By morning they were fine.  But I thought a lot last night. This kitten is quite young, still young enough to trust.  I wondered about us, about our species.  I thought about older cats and dogs without homes who become frightened and feral in order to survive. I wondered how long it takes to understand it is a human's world, and humans can be remarkably uncaring and even cruel.

How old were we when we stopped trusting the world?

What happened to us, to our species, that led to such disregard to life.  Why/How have we forgotten that life is sacred?  Kittens, puppies. trees, honey bees?  Girls, women, poor, homeless?

So, I'm a little tired.  Still waiting for word on today's volunteer schedule.  And I have a tiny kitten sitting on my shoulder watching me type!

Love and hugs from Clare

And now it's Saturday!

Hey Maggie,

Hope you survived your week.  Sorry you had family dysfunction to deal with.  I know I am sensitive to it. Nephew used a tone of voice like Dad's one time - he didn't say anything wrong, he wasn't being mean, but the tone of voice swept me back to being at Dad's mercy...and it triggered all kinds of emotions. 

I always come back to wondering if we'll ever get him out of us.  It's kind of like a rape that never, ever ends.

As far as working while traveling - it's a good thing I really, really like my job. I have so much fun with it everyday.   I just worry about messing up because of the time difference, and making sure I remember when I'm scheduled.  I think I tend to get just a little anal about time, and about writing perfect reports!

Last time I did this, I accidentally scheduled myself for 2:00 am, then had to honor it. I had the time difference backwards in my mind when I opened my schedule...

We, my youngest and her babe and I, were supposed to spend the day doing volunteer work - setting up for a music festival that occurs next weekend.  But with all the rain we had this week, the grounds are underwater.  We'll work tomorrow and Monday instead.  That means I actually have a few hours to myself this morning.  What a gift!  I woke up this morning realizing I have to scrub the floors downstairs.  Then, if there's still time, I have to mow the backyard.

Hmmmmmm...maybe I'm grounding!

Ah, life!

Today is Mom's birthday.  I didn't send a card or a gift.  I still haven't sent a card to my oldest son...his birthday just passed. 

I blame it on the Grammy in me. She never sent cards on time.

I remember trying to throw a surprise birthday party for Mom, when I was 11, maybe...with just us kids. But B#2 got mad at me, probably because I was being too bossy, and told Mom.   She told me not to worry, she didn't really hear what he said.

When my kids were little, I always tried to get to her on her birthday.  Dad made that difficult.  And then, after your letter about 10 years ago, trying to engage the family in a dialog about our painful, lonely childhood was followed by Mom's request that we share our pain with her.  I did.  Dad refused to speak to me for several years. He hung up on me when I called.  I think I just completely stepped back.  I feel so distanced from them.

I  Skype occasionally.  But I never get down there.

Mom wanted to see me for my birthday, and S#3 was going to come and get me.  Crazy.  They treat her so badly, have traditionally treated her so badly, and yet she remains generous and willing to do whatever might make Mom happy...

So, today I am lost in - What a screwed up family we are!

I'll scrub floors and get rid of some of that!

Enjoy Kenny Chesney. I am not familiar with him, but I'll listen to something in your honor.  I hope you have lots of fun!

Love and hugs from Clare

TGIF

Clare,

I'm so glad that you are traveling again…
even if you have to take work along with you.

I am freelancing for my previous employer…
trying to complete a project that was half finished when I quit.
I tried to do some work this week…
but only got a good hour's worth of work accomplished.

My house is very busy right now…
B#4 and his crew are here daily…
my older son and 2 friends are staying here to work…
my youngest started a fast food job this week plus football conditioning keeps us running…
my oldest is helping me to regain strength and drop a few pounds.

Today we swam for 35 minutes…
cycled for 60 min…
I came home to my son and B#4 arguing quite loudly…
B#4 fired my son because of disrespectful behavior…
which is acceptable…
but they were both calling each other names…
and a lot of cursing...
totally unacceptable.
I had to calm each down and keep them separated for a while.
They're still not comfortable…
but at least they're not cursing each other out.
B#4 brought his younger son along today…
it was good to see him…
he talked to my son and shared that he had many arguments like this with his dad and not to take it to heart…
I remembered our Dad calling names and trying to demean us when he was frustrated…
it wasn't a good memory to recall.
Thank goodness it's a weekend.

I am exhausted from my workouts…
tomorrow I will be out all day…
we are going to a Kenny Chesney concert and it is an all day (and night) affair.
I'll catch up with you on Sunday.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

it's raining, it's pouring

Ahhhhh!!!  I wanna take the shaman course too...Can I Skype in?

You should do it.  It will be so cool!

I think my son and daughter-in-law know the secret.  If the simply invite me out, I try, but I often let life intrude.  But if they call and say,  "We need you."  and plan summer child care around me, then I will come.

I'm so worried about taking time off, though, that I can't really relax and enjoy the fact that I am going.  I may end up taking my pc and working early mornings and after dinner from their house. That's life!  I've done it before!

I talked to S#3 briefly about maybe getting the three of us together at the end of August to take a day trip to the spiritualist community I talked about a few years ago.

Interested?

I got up this morning, knowing I wouldn't have the baby at all, and announced to Nephew that I was going to mow the lawn this afternoon.  He said, "Uhhhhh..." and gently let me know that we were on flood watch for the rest of the day.

It is raining.  Hard. Again. A neighbor told me she is beginning to notice mud and rock slides on some of our hills.   And today was weird with the stock market shutdown, a blackout in DC, an airline losing internet.  The Chinese stock market is crashing. Very hot weather is warping train tracks in Europe.  Overuse of ac is causing brownouts. People are getting trapped in elevators.  It feels like everything is going nuts at once. And I feel like I am holding my breath - wondering how far this will go.

I had the image of clear little creatures being released from the inside of the Earth and breaking into many, many smaller creatures, covering the Earth. I have no sense of what they are or what they govern, or how they feel.  This is where we need a good shaman - to tell me what this is!

I talked to my granddaughter yesterday, the one across country.  I told her I was coming to visit.  She said, "Oh Mima, I just might have to hug you."

So my heart is warm...

Love and hugs from Clare

quick check in

Clare,

I didn't realize you were traveling across the country again this year. Good for you.

I don't think I'm going to get to AZ this summer…
too many expenses…
too many activities…
too much life…

I won't complain…
but I really want to get away by myself for a while.

I am in a down time right now…
I am tired and need a little catch up sleep…
But, life is really full right now and I don't want to miss anything.

I saw my reiki healer yesterday…
she stretched my brain…
she has the best descriptions for what she's doing to me.
She wants me to do a shamanism class with her.
I think it would be fascinating to do that…
not sure when it will begin though.

Not much to talk about tonight…
too many distractions here.
Love and Light,
Maggie

thank you

Hi Maggie,

I had a fun day.  I got my bus ticket for another trip across the country.  I'm coming home through a new route, so I'll get to see some new states. And we went shopping at Aunt Sally's which is always fun.  Then I went cherry picking. I was with my youngest and her baby.

It was my oldest son's birthday yesterday.  I talked to him then, and I talked to his wife today...letting her know when I would be in.  Their dog is getting ancient, as is mine.  I was thinking about the death of my last dog - my little spaniel.  We picked cherries from the tree that shelters the body of my beloved border collie.  My old dog seems to be losing kidney function.  She's quieter than usual.  And she is not going up and down the stairs very often.

And my daughter took a picture of me - looking very old...

I am glad you asked a Friend to sit with you about fostering.  If you don't reach clarity, ask for a clearness committee.  It does help.

Look at the  "What ifs...?"  Honor them.  Then walk through them.  Sometimes it seems like "What if...?" is like the poppy field in The Wizard of Oz.  We just sort of lose energy and lay down and lose our way among all those lovely "What ifs...?" we can dream up!

Your older son seems to be stepping into awareness, growing up...it does happen.  A few more years, the younger one will be there, too...

Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me...

Let there be peace in me, and let it heal the Earth...and me...

It is an interesting concept - coming to peace within before I can become wild. For some reason, wild seems unpeaceful. But it's a different kind of wild than unsettled and anxious  or   unsettled and potentially violent.

I understand - as within, so without. 

I am going to have to play with the concept of wild and peaceful.


Imagining my favorite wild places...wild as in untouched by human civilization...there is peace.  Everything is in its place, doing its own thing, supporting the community, abiding in the community around it.

I like this image...

Thank you...

Love and hugs from Clare

Be the change...

I think it all begins with "me"…
when I was young my first song that I fully embraced was
Let the be peace on earth
and let it begin with me…
When I read your post that song jumped into my mind's ear.
I do believe it begins with us reclaiming our wildness…
claiming and re-establishing our connections to self and others…

I have asked a trusted Friend/friend to sit with me about the question of fostering a child…
we are meeting on Friday.
Today at treatment team the psychiatrist talked about fostering and the challenges of being a foster parent…
totally unsolicited by me…
I already understand those challenges from working with kids and families.

I am afraid to mention my idea to the young man…
What if it falls through?
What if I disappoint him?
What if he rejects me?
What if I'm not a good influence?
What if?…
I have to have the courage to walk forward with my eyes and heart open.
This vulnerability stuff is tough!

I had a wonderful day with my older son today. We spent the afternoon together, taking him to an orientation for the cyber-school. He talked about a training program that he is interested in doing in California. It's a program on the growing, extraction and distribution of medical marijuana. He is so excited. He understands that he will have to live and work in states that have legalized it and that he will have to remain legitimate.
I am not sure what husband will say…
Anyway we talked about trust and consideration of others…
he actually "got it".
One of his friends was thrown out of his home last night and he ended up at our house. My son was able to see both sides of the issue…
he could see fault on both sides of the argument.
He is growing up.

B#4 is spending this week here, staining my house. My boys are working with him. They love hanging out with him. It is so nice to hear them laughing and joking around with each other.

So, be the change you wish to see in this world.
Reclaim connection.
Let peace begin with me.

That's a lot to tackle for one night.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

clarity

Good Morning Maggie!

I just listened to the JT song you mentioned. I have to admit I got lost in memories of my college sweetheart.  Our song was a JT song.  We  are still friends, and I don't have romantic thoughts about him, so the memories surprised me.  I didn't know that was still there!

I'm glad you and your husband had such a good evening.

I read your post last night and thought about it a lot.  If you are feeling this leading, pay attention to it. The universe has sneaky ways of delivering angels into our lives.  This is mutual...we become Light for each other.

My advice is to ask for a clearness committee. Listen to your husband. And ask the young man you would like to add to your family.  Make sure he knows he's stepping into a potentially difficult situation.  Who has the stronger personality?  Your youngest or this young man?

I know people who have done this, and the "rescued" child is simply part of the family now. 

I do support you...thoughts of our past life reading with your healer came to me.  There is a part of you who knows how to rescue lost boys.

I just had a very strange thought, so please take it as such...what if you stepped out of mother-role, and observed your sons.  What would your inner rescuer do for them?


I wanted to share some strange middle of the night thoughts, before I get on with my day - which promises to be beautiful!!!

I have wanted to get chickens for a while.  I like them, and a son gave me a book of chicken coop plans for Christmas, asked me to choose one and said he would build it for me.  We had chickens when the kids were young, and it was so relaxing and entertaining to watch them, to care for them.  And I got spoiled by having fresh eggs.  Those pale, runny things we get from the store are not really eggs.

Eggs are suddenly very expensive, because there is a disease killing many, many chickens in the midwest, the heart of industrial agriculture!!  I suddenly wondered if the chickens were saying "f*** this" to their slavery and checking off the planet.

This, of course, led me back to my recent concern with monoculture.  Looking at the big picture, there seems to be a movement toward creating an enslaved planet, removing all but just a few "useful" species that can support the elite.

We are reduced to corn, wheat and soy - none of which need pollinators. Corn and wheat are wind pollinated.  Soy self pollinates. So killing off the pollinators is no big deal.  The bees are dying quickly, as are so many other insects.  The butterflies are pretty much gone in my region.  The lightning bugs too - they're are almost gone.  We are being reduced to salmon, chicken, pigs, cows and humans. I think the other species may choose to go, to escape.  But not us. I think we will suffer.

Except that I read that the aborigines of Australia decided to stop having children.  They have consciously chosen to leave what is happening to this enslaved planet...this planet where we continue to clear cut vegetation, to poison the water, to produce our foods and medicines in a lab.

This relates back to my wondering how we can wild again.  I guess this is what I'm circling and poking at in my mind...

I have been reading one of the books you sent me - Untie the Strong Woman by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

And of course, this morning I read some passages that spoke to my midnight musings.

"I'd like to offer you a small psychological window thereby, keeping in mind for you that ever so oddly, and egregiously,the same ways to eradicate Holy Mother from a people, are also the same strategies to abuse a child; that is: to strip them of the interior concept of the sacred Mother and replace it instead with the concept of "monsters everywhere" and "peace at any price."

And a few paragraphs later...

"One can heal by literally making a list of all the freedoms denied, then working backward, taking back all the freedoms thwarted, especially those that bring goodness to the self and the world back into one's consciousness, re-setting all action and thought in the holy center, including the right to act, move, create, be, thrive fully..."

Where do we begin to make this list?  Personally? Nationally? Culturally? The abuse is inflicted from so many levels, and on all of Creation...

So, that's where I am today!

Love and hugs from Clare

weighty thoughts

Clare,

The concert was really great…
James Taylor's songs never get old…
his voice is as sweet as it was in the 70s…
and his new songs are amazing…
His new albumin is called Before This World has a song called You and I Again is breathe taking…
it's about falling in love with someone over more than one lifetime.
It was a great evening.

So, the deer is opening you up to new perceptions…
I like that.

I'm considering something very weighty right now…
I'm not sure if I'm crazy or being led in a direction.
I have a 16 year old client who has been rejected by his family multiple times over his life.
He was disappointed/rejected again last week…
their claims to take him home from the group home just fizzled out…
to save rent money…
"we can't afford it"
"no room for you".
Anyway he's feeling hopeless…
and I feel as if I should offer him a home with us…
accept him here into our home and family.
Part of me knows it is right and good.
Part of me wonders what the other 2 boys will do, how will they influence him?
Will he rebel once he is out of the structured group home and make life miserable?
But, my heart breaks for his pain and loneliness.
I know how that feels.
I've worked with him for about a year now…
he's a writer…
he's very smart…
he knows only manual labor jobs and expects that to be his future.
He could do so much with a college education.
We could be the key to his bright future.
I'm scared to death.
Husband is considering it…
he worries most about our youngest's reaction…
It could be good for him to appreciate how difficult some kids' lives really are.

What do you think?

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

coincidence - god's way or remaining anonymous

Hi Sister,

S#3 and her troop were supposed to come tomorrow and spend the weekend with us. But her car has a problem, and the part needed to fix it has not come in yet...so they are staying home.  I was disappointed when we talked, but then found I was really sad after we hung up. But, better safe than sorry, I suppose.

Oh well, there's always a reason...I did go out to see the conjunction last night.  It was so cool to know I was looking at planets.  They were so - present.

I found myself thinking about the deer outside my window.  How did it know to be there, to communicate with me?  Is animal sentience more closely related to Spirit?

Then I thought about how people just say the right thing at the right time.  People have said things nearme, never knowing that their words were meant for me.  I suddenly understood the playful creativity of Spirit.

Then I got an image of a flexible fishing net surrounding the Earth.  It was very fluid.  But it connects us all.  There was a beautiful sense of interconnectedness, or belonging, of Cosmic joy...

Baby sleeping in my arms...I'll be back tomorrow.

With love and hugs,

Clare

Celebrate

I remember 27 years ago. We were almost all together.  And Mom made us wear red shirts with our names in white.  And you were surprised because I bought a black dress to wear to your wedding. I was just setting the style. I think almost everyone wore a black dress to S#4's second wedding.

We got the best photo, one of my all-time favorites, of my three sons at your wedding.  I labelled that photo, The Swedish Mafia.  The name stuck. In fact it is still used today.

I remember you were so nervous before the wedding that you lost weight and the dress was a touch slipping off your shoulders...

I remember you involved the whole family. I always liked that.

I hope you enjoy James tonight. He has always been a favorite. And I do remember that concert...back in the 70s, when even James was young!

I don't think I have seen him since.

I was jerked awake from a sound sleep in the middle of the night by a deer chuffing outside my bedroom window. Then  my youngest hit a deer on her way home. The deer ran away and the car sustained minimal damage.

I looked up the symbolism of deer and read that I/we need to watch for new perceptions. trust instincts, trust self.

I do not have the baby tonight, and so now that it is almost dark,  I am going to go outside and look west.  I want to see the conjunction of Venus and Jupiter during the full moon.  I am a Taurus, ruled by Venus, and my rising sign is Sagittarius, ruled by Jupiter.  It seems like this conjunction should be big for me.  But I don't know who to ask.

So I'll just assumed that I am a favored daughter of the universe, and that miracles happen!!

Happy Anniversary. Love and hugs to Brother-in-law.

And to you to, from Clare

Date night

Clare,
You are not bossy…
it was solicited advice…
It is appreciated…
I will think about it for a while and see what feels right.

I am going to have to keep this short…
I have a date tonight for our anniversary…
We are going to a James Taylor concert nearby.
Do you remember when you took me to a James Taylor concert when I was 16?
My first concert ever.
I've seen him one other time about 20 years ago…
I'm really excited.

I will catch up with you tomorrow morning.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

fake it

Hi Maggie,

When we were posting about enough, you said you felt petty when you thought about some of who got what, and who didn't, in our family.  And suddenly the word "petty" made me angry.  I can remember hearing,  "Don't be so petty."  It means - shut up and stop, do not point out my injustice.  It was using shame to quiet us.  It was never really about the stuff.  It was about justice, being able to trust those in power.

Your son is teaching you a lesson - he is being very honest - or at least he is trying valiantly to teach you.  His lesson is that you are not in charge and you may not discipline him. He is in charge and he gets to do whatever he wants to.  And you are reduced to harassing him on the phone.

Part of me thought - lock the door.  You want out, boy, you're out.  You want in, then there are rules.   But the mom part of me thought of some retaliation decisions, and I know it is not  good to start a war.  Especially in one's own home.

When they were teens, I negotiated a lot with mine. It wasn't easy, and there were times when I wanted to rip my hair out and scream,  "Just do what I say!"  But once the negotiations ended, mine were honorable enough to do what they agreed to do.

You and your son might want to talk about what you owe each other.  I used to tell mine, "I know you don't have any respect for me right now.  You can hate me if you want.  But you are going to fake it and pretend you respect me.  You will not talk to me or treat me like this."

He owes you respectful behavior. You owe him safety and sustenance.  You do not owe him money, an allowance.  You do not owe him a phone, a license, a car, the latest clothes, rides, lessons, sports equipment.  You give him those things because he is valuable to you, because you want to give him the best.  But you don't owe him that.

If it's not mutual, if you do your part, and he does not do his part...where will that lead?  Is that a place you want to go?

I'm not inside, and I don't know exactly what is going on.   And I am desperately trying to not be the "Bossy One" as Mom often labelled me to the world.  I'm just throwing out some thoughts and sending them to you with loving concern.  Your son is too cool to lose!!

I have a toddler dismantling my office. Sigh.  Tomorow will be a toddler-free day.

Love and hugs from Clare

remain open

Clare,

Why are you focusing on "petty"? Where did that come from?

People can say anything that they want to…
but the individual person has the ability to accept or reject those thoughts.
I explain this to my kids as…
if someone brings you a present you have choices…
you can open it up and use/enjoy it…
or you can leave it there and politely say, No thank you.

We make the decision to incorporate other's opinions…
unfortunately we are trained to appreciate other's opinions more than our own self-image.
We need to reclaim our own authority and power.

I am exhausted…
again.
My youngest is grounded for staying out all night Saturday…
2 weeks grounded…
last night he slipped out the basement door about 9:30 and didn't come home until after 2 am…
the weather was fierce- lightening, heavy rain, flooding of local roads…
I harassed him by phone…
texting him over and over again "Where are you?"…
when he came home he told me that he does not accept groundings…
he was teaching me that it won't work.

He didn't appear to be intoxicated…
he didn't smell of any substances…
I think he was trying to torture me…
or test my resolve…
I don't know what to do.
I want to run away and live a peaceful life.
I want to wake up and have 10 years elapse and have him back in a normal mindset.
I want to ship him off somewhere to be someone else's responsibility for a while.
I don't know what I want.

I think he reminds me too much of our brothers…
I think I fear so much for him because of that.
But, even acknowledging that doesn't relieve me of the need to teach and discipline.
I cannot find that soft place in my heart for him right now…
I love him…
I don't like him…
I don't trust him.

I will remain open for a lesson or solution to emerge.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie