Still angry

Clare,
Thank you for validating my feelings of anger…
and not telling me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I made my boys sleep at home last night so they would be here and rested to help today. Both gave me about an hour's battle about how unrealistic I am…
Their pattern is to stay at someone's house…
not sleep…
and then spend the following day napping while I am out working.
When I explained that to them they PROMISED that wouldn't happen…
even though each had ignored jobs given to them for the past few days.
The youngest was so obnoxious I almost packed and came to your house…
I told him I felt like leaving…
he threw back at me the times he's wanted to run away and I've stopped him…
not in a nice, genuinely concerned way…
but- you stopped me so don't be a hypocrite- way.

I hate this time…
I hate feeling as if I am being directed towards vulnerability and they are fighting and resisting it even more than I am. The old lessons of "you're only valuable if you are serving" are rising up and slapping me in the face. And I am supposed to walk into this and welcome it? This is so hard. It is so hard to say to them I need your help…and have them tell me all of the other activities that are more fun and appealing to them. Why can't they just see that I want them to simply want to be with me, to show they care by working along side of me, talking with me, it would be nice to laugh together.
Last weekend Mom called…
she caught me after a glass of wine so I talked a little more than usual. She asked what she could do for me. I could not bring myself to ask her for anything, except to encourage all of you siblings to have the genetic test and insist on a breast MRI if there is a mutation. She has helped me once in my adult life, when my third was born. And then Dad only gave her a few days to be at my house.
I used to hate him for hoarding her…
until I realized that she allows him to act like that…
she doesn't stand up for herself or her children's needs…
what a great role model.
I don't know what to think about anyone anymore.

I feel very uneasy allowing acquaintances to help when my own family won't…
but they are the ones who are sincerely offering.
What is the lesson in all of this?

The woman from yesterday was the personification of my internal world as few years ago. She was the image of how I felt…
tightly wrapped up- protecting every part of herself.
She was so uneasy she was rocking to self-soothe.
As I interviewed her, I identified with so many of the things she said- although hers was like mine on steroids.
She is an obsessively orderly, cleaning freak…
She can't sleep at night for fear of someone coming in to harm her children.
She hates to see people drunk or high and feels threatened by them.
She has been to jail 3 times for protecting herself against a perceived threat from men. SHe assaulted them before they could hurt her or her children.
She never uses substances for fear she will let her guard down.
She has only ever loved her children.
She trusts no one.
She relies on no one.
As we were going through the interview she would say things that caused a visceral reaction in me…
I don't know if she was triggering me or if I was picking up her energy and sensing her internal struggle.
I just wanted to go back to her little girl self and protect her…
the way we all deserve to be loved and protected.
I wanted to change her past.
I don't understand why children have to suffer like this…
and grow up into suffering, wounded adults…
only to perpetuate the cycle…
she assured me that she has never hurt her children…
she has broken that cycle for her kids…
but she fears she has taught them to be afraid.
All of this is very painful to think about and write.
I keep telling myself, "there, but for the grace of God, go I".
My story is bad…hers is horrendous.
I hope that she heard me when I told her she was not inherently bad…
I truly hope so.

Thanks for listening/reading.
Love and Light,
Maggie