The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all that you are. Without apology. Without excuses and without any masks to cover the truth of who you truly are.... -alter ego
I love that…but what a challenge. Do I possess that kind of courage? Sometimes I think that's the challenge of this cancer. First I lose my breasts. Then, potentially I lose my hair, and strength, and I will be totally exposed as whatever lies under the facade. I am not even sure what lies under all of this. Courage…wholeheartedness. Dignity in the face of adversity. Time will tell.
You are back to the "Fat-dumb-ugly" refrain inherited during your childhood. Maybe Fathers Day left a bigger impression on you than you imagined. We can ignore these Hallmark holidays- but subconsciously they still eat away at us. That is why I gave in and made a quick phone call…to relieve myself of the nagging, inner voice…the one that tells me how unworthy I am because I don't respect my parents enough to call on holidays.
I am still reeling from his comment that, "we think of you everyday"…
but I haven't heard his voice in months.
I am not being unkind, just honest.
You have been eating sugar, not sleeping well, worried about me, taking on a nephew in addition to your normal family load- of course you are down and exhausted. What do you expect? Let yourself have a weekend day to just crash. There has to be someone else who can care for your granddaughter for one day this weekend. Give yourself that gift. Do I have to plan another beach trip?
I had my teeth cleaned today. As I was talking to my dental hygienist, I realized that some of the most thoughtful people are those I've met here, known for years, know so much about their families and their lives. I have shared so many things with this woman, and my hairdresser, and other people who regularly move in and out of my life. I really am blessed. I stopped at the DV shelter today to drop something off and had a wonderfully insightful and uplifting conversation with the director. She has become a good friend over the past 2 years. SHe shared her experience with her husband's lymphoma about 10 years ago, and how helpless and frightened she felt. She helped me to see a lot of this through husband's eyes. But, she encouraged me to empower him to deal with the boys and their conflicts, as you did. I can see the value in that, even if it will be a learning curve for all of us. She and my reiki friend advised me to concentrate my energy on myself for the next 3 weeks and then pick up the pieces.
My youngest talked to me today, the first real conversation about the cancer and the upcoming surgery. He is nervous, but believes it will be all right. I asked him to visit the afternoon or evening after surgery- he said that he plans to be there the entire time, "I can give you one day of my life to make sure you have a whole life". I cried a little. My older son is running away from everything- he is an escape artist. I haven't physically seen him since yesterday morning. I am frustrated but trying to stay calm and balanced. He is finding excuses to be mad at me so that he can stay away. If I fight and argue I will create the tension he is looking for, so I am trying to respond but not incite another argument. I was able to give husband some insight into my frustration, he seems to understand. Hopefully we will all settle down, stop pretending, and just live through all of this.
Love and Light,
Maggie
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