Clare,
I definitely recognize those patterns. When I was not working, I did everything for the kids. While at work husband would take over. I remember coming home from work, with the first baby, and he would be walking around the condo with her in a backpack, she cried if he took her out. Many times, at the beginning she would be crying, as soon as she would see me she would stop crying and smile. He would grab the dog and leave for a walk.
It reinforced that he wasn't enough for her…
I had the food source and she never took a bottle.
This set the stage for all 4 kids…
and I loved it…
I loved being the primary source of fulfillment for them…even though it was exhausting…
but he has always allowed and expected me to take care of all of their needs.
I recognize this and own it.
My anger is dissipating…
but it has spewed forth to the kids.
My youngest threw a bat after striking out yesterday.
He threw it so hard it went over the backstop…
luckily landing in weeds and not hurting anyone.
He refuses to see that this could have hurt someone…
he just keeps saying it didn't so stop worrying.
We talked for quite a while…
he finally broke down and cried and briefly expressed his anger and confusion over the cancer and his father's injury.
I am concerned about both boys smoking pot regularly again.
The oldest is out, every day with his friends who smoke.
The youngest was smoking a "blunt" in his room at 2 am on Saturday morning.
I heard a loud bang…
went to investigate and when I opened his door the air smelled like pot.
He spent most of Saturday telling me I was insane…
making stuff up in my head…
He had me questioning my judgement…
But, yesterday after he broke down he brought me half of a cigar that smelled of pot…
they remove the tobacco and put pot into the wrapper…
But there was no apology.
He did agree to see a counselor and my reiki friend…
that's a step in the right direction.
This morning I ordered 2 camisoles with breast support and small pockets to carry the post-op drains. It made surgery seem more real. I am moving closer to it, everyday. I meet the plastic surgeon on Friday. I also have pre-admission testing and the anesthesia interview…then 2 weeks later I will lose my breasts. I stop myself, almost every day, from worrying that this is the day that tumor is going to take a trip out of my breast and set up residence somewhere else... 2 months of waiting is just too long. But, I am getting healthier every single day with exercise, diet and meditation. I have decided to listen to a CD meditation by Jack Kornfield on Equanimity and Peace…trying to train myself to be able to relax and balance in the face of fear and anxiety. It will be a tremendous help.
I had a strange encounter yesterday after Meeting…a Friend who I've known for 5 years pulled me aside. He said he needed to apologize to me. I was confused. He said that last week he found himself staring at me for a long period of time, "you were so lovely to behold". Well, I was flattered, creeped out and embarrassed simultaneously. I am still trying to decipher the meaning of all of that.
I am glad you had such a nice family time yesterday. Thank you for being here, meeting me regularly. I come to this spot as a lifeline, now more than ever before.
Love and Light,
Maggie
No comments:
Post a Comment