Family dynamics

I think the women you are treating is a sort of angel.  She is magnifying the effects of childhood trauma so you can't possibly mistake it or not notice it. Seeing it in her means you can see the reflection in you, in our family. The words you want her to believe are the words you must accept and believe.

I have been thinking about you all day.  I think when we are raised by men like our father, we are on guard, fearful.  It seeps into our adult life.  I know I did not completely trust my ex with the kids, and I stepped in, feeling like I was the only one who could love and protect them.  And so he left me with them, more and more. I was part of the process of him stepping and standing outside of family. But -- I of course chose a man who would willingly accept this role.

I think your family dynamics are similar.  Now you have to open way for your husband to take over and parent and nurture, to trust him to make decisions and follow through with your sons.  I remember the weekend you visited, they called you repeatedly when their dad was right there.  It reminded me of our pattern - the belief that only Mom has a clue.

Open way, and then you might have to push him in!  But he can do it. If he/you want a marriage, he'll get in there and man up!

But you need to be taken care of.  And if you need to come here, do it. The back door is never locked.

I was at a barbecue at my oldest's. There was a moment when it felt like a movie. My children were passing the baby around, interacting with old friends and family. It was just nice. But it made me miss my oldest son. I wish he and his family were part of tonight's circle.

Tomorrow is the girls' birthday.  Thirty-four years ago, right now, I was still in labor!  That was a long weekend. And tonight, I pushed the stroller up to her house - about 2.5 miles, and when I walked in,she was standing by her house, and she looked so womanly. She looks very much like my mother-in-law.

But then we had a sibling moment. Everyone has been encouraging the baby to walk. Tonight she took three steps from her aunt to me.  And my oldest told my youngest, who felt hurt to have missed it.

Yep, we're a family!

I love you.  If you need me, just ask.

Love from Clare