what's mine? what's theirs?

Hi Honey,

How are you feeling?  I saw that Mom said you still sound very weak, and so I don't want to nag.  I'm waiting to check in...

But I'm here.

So --- I saw an article that said we can inherit memories from our parents and grandparents.  That freaked me out a little.  I wondered if the overwhelming feelings I get when I hear stories of miners trapped underground come from Mom and her panic at being trapped in a trunk by her sibs.  I wonder how many of my responses come from a connection with Grandma B.  I feel like I am her sometimes.

Then I stopped to think about the way B#1 has rewritten his story and apparently lost memory of what he truly did and S#3 losing memory of what happened to her in order to survive. 

So --  we don't necessarily have our own memories, but we probably have those of our mom and grandmom.  It's a wonder we have any connection with sanity at all...if we do...

When I think about Grandmom, I worry about ending up like her.  She was deaf and blind.  Then I realized that she did not want to see or hear the reality of what happened to her/around her.  I will be different.  I will listen, I will see.  even when it breaks my heart, I will be vulnerable. I will never pretend things did not happen.

I love you, I can't wait to reconnect.

Sending healing thoughts,

Clare

ranting

Hello Sister,

It has been a long day. After work, I went to a neighbor's and picked strawberries.  It was warm and sunny.  I was leaning on the ground, stretched out, reaching. I could  small strawberries and wild carrots.  Then I brought them home and sat and hulled them for hours.  I froze some. Tomorrow I'll make jam.

The first message we got from S#3 was that you would be released today.  I know things happened, and now you'll be in the hospital for another day. I was so shocked. Major surgery means an overnight stay.  What is wrong with our health care system?

I have talked to people in Germany and found that not only do you get the basics but you get extras - massages, special stays in healing places.  Here, we get to survive.   We get the absolute minimum - if we have insurance.  Because insurance is not even a given.

We need to get out from under corporate control.  We need to understand that money is not the key point of every decision. We need to actually care for people.

That was the rant of the day.

Our cousin said it's going to hurt when the meds wear off.  I hope you don't hurt.

I will check back tomorrow.  Probably after I make the whole house smell like strawberries.

Love from Clare

good news, world

I checked my email every 10 minutes until I heard from S#3.  I got good news - you were in recovery, you were awake, everything looked good.  News to follow.

But no news has followed, and I'm not relaxing.  I talked to S#3 who promised to call me as soon as she hears from your husband.

And we wait.  We wait with our hearts in our hands - as vulnerable as possible...

I love you.

Clare

One more night...

Clare,
Thank you…

I am as ready as I will ever be.

I had some anxiety earlier today, driving to my injection….
I talked to husband and daughter…
and calmed down.

Husband and I are driving over tonight.
We are scheduled for 7 am arrival, 8:30 OR start time and they anticipate 4 to 5 hours of surgery.
S#3 is going to be our communicator…
husband will contact her and she will spread the news.

Know that I love you and appreciate you so very much.
I will be soft and open to the changes that are happening.
I will just be…
I will return cancer free!

Maggie

a few last words before transformation

Hello Valiant Warrior,

It almost seems that tomorrow is as much as being about a warrior as it is about being a surrender into the future, surrender into healing, surrender into release of the trauma.

A F/friend of mine writes poetry, and recently shared the following:

soft enough / that resistance, folds enveloped / within

 

He explained briefly: 
For me it expresses a logic of love, surrender and trust. I imagined a heavy object entering a soft space - like an iron ball falling into a large pillow - as a metaphor for how to accept the brutality and violence that we sometime experience in life. 

 

So be a large pillow tomorrow.  Surrender, endure, live long and prosper...and smile.

 

I expect to hear only good news.  But I won't breathe deeply until this is over. 

Every fiber of me is rooting for you.

Be well,

I love you...Clare

 

A quick update

Clare,

2 days to go…
today I spoke with the genetics counselor…
she recommends that all of the siblings and cousins have the CHEK2 gene evaluated.
I am going to get S#3 and B#4 to see her directly…
let me know if you want it checked.

I spoke with Mom last evening, B#2 &4 this afternoon, got a text from S#5…
what a day.
I also got messages from several friends…
and had one last reiki treatment prior to surgery.
I don't know what else to do to prepare, except relax.

I am doing well today…
I felt on the verge of tears for most of the day…
but it wasn't sadness…
I am not sure what the emotion is behind it.
I did have a little cry during the reiki work.
It relieved a lot of upper body tension.

Tomorrow I meet up with S#3, she is going to sit with me for a test that maps out my lymph nodes' drainage around the breast. I hope we have time to talk.

My older son is having a really hard time with all of this. His coping mechanism is to stay away from the house as much as possible…even when he's asked to stay home. I understand his reaction, but I really want to be able to talk  with him and spend time with him. But, every time I try he becomes angry and defensive…trying really hard to start a fight so that he has an excuse to stomp out of the house and leave. I really don't know what to do with him right now. So, try to hold him in the Light through all of this too.

Until tomorrow…
Love and Light,
Maggie

beloved

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” 

Today I bring you the gift of Brene Brown, from her Gift of Imperfection.  In a way she sparked us, almost as much as B#2's suicide attempt.  And when words and inspiration fail, I turn to her...

I have been thinking about the love you have seen manifesting, and thinking it must be there for all of us.We just don't see it, acknowledge it maybe, look for it...very often.

I'm also aware that you must love yourself very much, because everyone else loves you a lot.

Now is when you get vulnerable, walk past the family conditioning of I'm-not-good-enough, and allow everyone to love you.

I hope you have had a good day.

Sending love and hugs and anything else you might need...

Clare

bluster

Hi Love,

Just keep track of all your incoherencies, and bring them here later. Of course you are loved. All of my kids are holding you in the Light.  Everyone is confident but concerned.

The story of the young baseball player and his generosity and graciousness was heart-filling.  We should all strive to be that wholly alive.  He is a gift to everyone he touches.  He has touched me and doesn't even know it.

Life and connections are miraculous.

I will try to be faithful to this place while you are going through surgery and recovery. But I feel a little removed from my mind, from reality right now. I know it is because I am focused on loving you.  I wonder if this is the way we are supposed to be all the time.  Somewhat removed from daily distractions, and focused on loving each other.

Instead we/I get so twisted into electric bills and not enough sleep, that I don't carry my love for my children or family until someone needs me.

So how do we change?  How do we become more like the baseball player/spiritual elder who is teaching you/me right now?

After several perfect days of warm but not hot sunshine and stillness, today is grey and cool and working up to blustery. Seems appropriate...just another form of perfection!

I love you, smile and know you are well,

Clare 

Blessed beyond belief

Clare,

I am so surrounded by love…
you can't even imagine how wonderful it feels.
This cancer has given me a gift…
I can see how many people are supporting me…
that's a glimpse not many are not privileged to have.

I went to Meeting yesterday and at the rise of Meeting I had a line of well-wishers…
so many hugs and good wishes…
and "I love you".
I took my elderly friend grocery shopping and she bathed me in love and optimism.
I met a friend for lunch…
my first love who has turned out to be a wonderful friend…
and sat and reminisced and ate and had a wonderful time.
I came home to my husband who is trying so hard to make things calm…
and my youngest, who is insisting on going to the hospital and sitting through the long hours of waiting.
My girls who are checking in on me, multiple times a day.
Text messages and emails from friends offering support.
friends stopping when they see me to ask if they can help in any way.
You checking in daily.
It is amazing.
I am so blessed.
And I wouldn't have known this except for this cancer.

We had a baseball game tonight…
one of the players has been playing despite getting chemo and radiation for lymphoma…
he has neuropathy from the chemo so his coordination is off and he is slower than normal…
but he shows up every game and wants to play.
One game he pitched 3 or 4 innings, at the end of the game he sat down on the mound and called for water. He was so spent that he couldn't even stand up to shake hands with the other team. But, they all came to him. He is courageous to say the least. Well tonight was his last game because of radiation treatments scheduled for the next 2 evenings, so we gave him a jersey with every one's signature on it. After it was all over I stopped to talk to him…
to tell him how inspiring I find him…
and to thank him for making cancer not so scary…
he told me that if I ever need him to go to a treatment with me he would be happy to do that…
"just email or call me", he said, "I'll be happy to go with you".
I started to cry…
happy tears.

Tomorrow husband and I have an appointment with the genetics counselor…
it will be interesting to see what she has found.
Not that it will change this week's plans…but maybe future considerations.
Then Wednesday, S#3 is going with me for the injection for the sentinel node biopsy…
I hope we have time to chat.
Wednesday my oldest comes home and husband's brother is coming over to help while we are gone.
Then Thursday, very early I will go to surgery.
I am as ready as I will ever be.
I am already feeling that I will be cancer free by Thursday afternoon…
that's a good feeling.

So, hold me in a bright Light…
one full of energy and promise…
not one that leaves shadows…
This is going to be an amazing week for me…

I will keep coming here to write until Thursday…
then when I am able I will return…
it may be incoherent but I will try.

I love you dearly sister,
Maggie

waiting

Hi Love,

You are in my heart.  I am kind of trapped in that place of about 24 years ago when Mom had her mastectomy.  I wasn't ready to be a motherless child.  I feel trapped in that  waiting to hear everything is fine, and you are strong and healthy.

My mind is blank, empty of words of wisdom.

I wait for you...

With tons of love...

Clare

feeling protected

Good morning,

My day was long and busy yesterday, which is why I never got here. Kids and grandkids are still sleeping, so I have a few quiet moments.

A dear friend of  mine fought a rare cancer a few years ago. She also noticed the companion feeling. In fact she named it and dialoged with it, talked to it about why it had to go and in the end became forceful with it, making it go. She is still here, gardening and sharing wisdom.

It made me think of the old Irish adage:  Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.  You and cancer are cohabitating somewhat peacefully now.  Once it has left the premises, something else, something light and healing will fill that void, I suppose.

Yesterday was mid-summer night. I had three grandchildren here. We made a small campfire, toasted marshmallows, chased fireflies, and ran around the yard with sparklers. Because two of them have a mom who is really careful about bedtimes, we realized my grandson had never seen fireflies before.  He held one in his hand, carefully. It was magic.  Then he barreled around in the dark trying to catch another. Explains why they are both still sleeping!

Over twenty years ago I knew a Celtic priestess who led some weekend gatherings to talk about the old ways of believing.  She taught one thing that stays with me. Solstices and equinoxes are the midpoints of each season.  So summer actually began on May 1.  Autumn begins on August 1.  I have noticed that this feels right, it makes sense.  Last night, it seemed like I could feel autumn coming. I started thinking about canning and firewood.

I remember another thing from those weekends.  We would have men's camp and women's camp.  It was all a bit theatrical, but points were made. At one point something happened...someone was coming, or something. I don;t remember.  All of the young mothers were gathered and everyone stood around them. The leader explained that in past times, mothers were considered the most important people - they were providing the next generation,  It was the first time I had ever been protected. I remember being confused and shocked.

I recently watched a video for BACA - Bikers Against Child Abuse.  In one scene, a child is having a nightmare, can't sleep. He looks out of his bedroom window and sees several bikers standing in the driveway, protecting the house. He goes to sleep. I had the same feeling. All teary about the possibility of being protected.

The first of the cherubs has awoken and is waiting for Mima attention.  I hope you have a lovely day.

Hugs and smiles and peace and love from Clare

End of the week.

Clare,

My shoulder is less painful and the headache has subsided. I guess I should take more time and care with myself. This is a recurrent problem for me. WHen my youngest was 6 months old he weighed 18 lb. and I carried him on my left generally. I had to support his back because although he was big he didn't have the muscle tone yet. Needless to say my upper back took a beating. I had a 6 week headache and finally decided to see a chiropractor who helped me immensely. She did pressure point release and spinal manipulation and my headaches were controlled. I still have headaches, but infrequently because I have switched from the chiropractor to a massage therapist and she keeps my upper back pain free. But, every once in a while I do something that just irritates that area. This time it was sitting on bleachers for 3 hours.

I finished work today- I won't see clients for 4 weeks at least. It is really sad for me. I have grown attached to many of my weekly clients. As I told them that I wouldn't be available over the past 2 weeks they surprised me by their reactions. They are genuinely concerned about me. I didn't share my diagnosis, but most I told that I was facing surgery. It really touched my heart that they care about me and my wellbeing. I guess I thought the care was all directed at them, not understanding that I am really being cared for in return. I will never view therapy the same.

We have baseball every day between now and Wednesday. I am going to have nightly time with friends, my youngest and husband. I will try to appreciate every moment of this.

I cannot wrap my head around cancer. At the beginning I was terrified. But now, 2 months into the course, I see it as a companion…not so scary…occasionally I get pain in the area…just a reminder that it is still there.  I am reminded of the gravity of the situation when I see others' reactions and hear their comments. I have to remind myself that I am ill…even though I feel incredibly healthy. Last week at Meeting someone asked me how I am feeling…I told him, "just fine- they haven't done anything to make me feel sick yet". That's the confusing part…I feel great. I cut my hair shorter. I have toned up. I am eating mostly raw and optimizing my protein intake. I haven't had sugar or flour in a long while. I wish I could this motivated when I am really healthy. But, I do realize that next week at this time I will be feeling lass than fine. What a strange concept.

I am seeing S#3 this week. She is hanging with me while I get my sentinel node injection. Hopefully we can talk and relax while that is going on. I also see the geneticist on Tuesday- I will let you know if there are any other mutations that we Delanas carry.

I hope that you are having a wonderful late spring day.
Love and Light,
Maggie

First peas

How is your shoulder?  How is your head?  You have to be holding stress.  You have to be.  You have a life-changing week ahead of you.  The gift is that the pain forced you to get your husband's help, to soak, to stretch - to pay special attention to yourself.

You said you were going to step back and take care of you.  Your body heard and obeyed.

I hope you are really aware of what is in the trauma centers, and can share it fully.  This seems important - big picture important.

I think we use the paintbrush and make broad, sweeping statements so we don't have to bother getting to know much about the other, and really don't have to get to know individuals.  Life's so much easier when we don't have to think, we can just assume and go on our merry way.

Not much happening here today. The vegetables are pretty much planted. I am in mid-mowing.  Once that is finished, I'll work on the flowers. Then back to the veggies.  I saw my first peas on the vines tonight.  And we haveso many salad greens we have to eat salad for every meal.

I love this time of year!

The daughter, the boyfriend, the best friend and the cousin are talking about renting a house together. I had an empty nest for a few months two years ago.  I was almost used to it - and really enjoying the neat and organized ambiance. Now chaos reins, but I will miss the baby.  But parenting is the only job, where when we do it right - we lose our job.

Watching them make decision - I am repeatedly impressed with the boyfriend.  I think she chose well!

Sweetly exhausted. I think I will sleep well tonight. I hope you do, too.

I love you so much...
Clare

Have a wonderful day.

Clare,

I think the big paint brush that you refer to is created by men and women who make bold, sweeping statements about the other gender…pretending to know and understand all of the nuances of their characteristics. Unfortunately no two humans are exactly alike and so this is a waste of precious time and energy. The editorials that get the most attention are those that are most outrageous…but what is equally outrageous is the amount of time and energy used in rebuttal. One simple response is sufficient.

Sacrificing my breasts? That's an interesting concept. They do sit over the trauma centers, left-female, right-male. Am I going to open those areas up and release the long repressed traumas? Am I going to open myself to healing that part of me? I hope this leads to a deeper than physical healing. I have to consider that.

I feel like a kid whose summer vacation is ending. My free days are finished for now. I have to work today, Friday and Monday. Then I have appointments Tuesday and Wednesday, then surgery. There is no more just hanging out time. But, who am I kidding, I never just hang out and relax- not for too long anyway. Oh well, it is time to get to the cure of this disease- not just studying and preparing for it.

I woke up at 4 am with a wicked headache today. My left shoulder is in spasm again. I stretched, had husband do some pressure point release, sat in the hot tub, did yoga, took a long shower and stretched some more. It is better, but still aching. I have a full day of clients and then a staff meeting- I hope it all dissipates this morning as I am up and moving around.

I hope that you have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie

and another strange thought

I have been reading the reactions to the George Will editorial about sexual assaults on campus.  He says that the 1 in 5 women who are sexually assaulted on campus statistics are not accurate. It's more like 2.9%, because that is how many women report it.  He cites one rape report that was weak, with the idea that all women love to bear the victim title.

My first thought was any time a guy says -"You know you want it" they have to stop and evaluate the situation.  Women know when they want it, and if a man has to tell her - something is wrong.

But my other thought was that this is a continuation of the witch hunts. Women are still seen as evil, seductive, sinful, and poor weak men simply can not resist.  Almost every man I know has a noble spirit, and lots of self control. This big paint brush that says they are weak is an insult.

 Reading your list of why I should feel tired was eye-opening.  I knew everything on the list, and more. But seeing it from you felt like someone else was seeing me for the first time this week. Thank you!  And, just to share, my sugar binge lasted about four days.  I'm clean again.  It's relatively easy to stay clean and sober as long as I don't take that first bite!

I had a strange thought.  A few weeks ago we had a hailstorm.  Some of the hailstones were as large as small apricots. I had never seen any that big before. And as the pounded out of the sky and crashed against the house and bounced off windshields, I was absolutely helpless. I could not do anything but wait it out.  I  began to wonder if that is how you feel now, facing this disease. And I wondered if that is how your older son feels, too.  It does not feel good!

Then I had another strange thought.  What if rather than losing your breasts, you are sacrificing them - making them a sacred offering...I'm not sure where I'm going with this, and I may be way off track. But I decided to share it.

And yes, you might have to organize another weekend at the beach.  Or maybe we could get S#3 to pick you up, come up here and we could all go to the spiritualist village for a day - maybe in late August???

I love you. You are in my heart. Keep smiling!

Clare

Fadugly…wasn't that the term?

The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all that you are.  Without apology. Without excuses and without any masks to cover the truth of who you truly are....        -alter ego

I love that…but what a challenge. Do I possess that kind of courage? Sometimes I think that's the challenge of this cancer. First I lose my breasts. Then, potentially I lose my hair, and strength, and I will be totally exposed as whatever lies under the facade. I am not even sure what lies under all of this. Courage…wholeheartedness. Dignity in the face of adversity. Time will tell.

You are back to the "Fat-dumb-ugly" refrain inherited during your childhood. Maybe Fathers Day left a bigger impression on you than you imagined. We can ignore these Hallmark holidays- but subconsciously they still eat away at us. That is why I gave in and made a quick phone call…to relieve myself of the nagging, inner voice…the one that tells me how unworthy I am because I don't respect my parents enough to call on holidays.

I am still reeling from his comment that, "we think of you everyday"…
but I haven't heard his voice in months. 
I am not being unkind, just honest. 

You have been eating sugar, not sleeping well, worried about me, taking on a nephew in addition to your normal family load- of course you are down and exhausted. What do you expect? Let yourself have a weekend day to just crash. There has to be someone else who can care for your granddaughter for one day this weekend. Give yourself that gift. Do I have to plan another beach trip?

I had my teeth cleaned today. As I was talking to my dental hygienist, I realized that some of the most thoughtful people are those I've met here, known for years, know so much about their families and their lives. I have shared so many things with this woman, and my hairdresser, and other people who regularly move in and out of my life. I really am blessed. I stopped at the DV shelter today to drop something off and had a wonderfully insightful and uplifting conversation with the director. She has become a good friend over the past 2 years. SHe shared her experience with her husband's lymphoma about 10 years ago, and how helpless and frightened she felt. She helped me to see a lot of this through husband's eyes. But, she encouraged me to empower him to deal with the boys and their conflicts, as you did. I can see the value in that, even if it will be a learning curve for all of us. She and my reiki friend advised me to concentrate my energy on myself for the next 3 weeks and then pick up the pieces. 

My youngest talked to me today, the first real conversation about the cancer and the upcoming surgery. He is nervous, but believes it will be all right. I asked him to visit the afternoon or evening after surgery- he said that he plans to be there the entire time, "I can give you one day of my life to make sure you have a whole life". I cried a little. My older son is running away from everything- he is an escape artist. I haven't physically seen him since yesterday morning. I am frustrated but trying to stay calm and balanced. He is finding excuses to be mad at me so that he can stay away. If I fight and argue I will create the tension he is looking for, so I am trying to respond but not incite another argument. I was able to give husband some insight into my frustration, he seems to understand. Hopefully we will all settle down, stop pretending, and just live through all of this.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Haunting

The greatest act of courage to to be and to own all that you are.  Without apology. Without excuses and without any masks to cover the truth of who you truly are....        -alter ego


I saw this quote yesterday on our favorite social media site.  I have been thinking about it ever since...haunted by it.

I don't think I am courageous.  I am hiding.  I am ashamed of who and what I am.  I can't imagine being as powerful as the idea in this statement.

How do I embrace being old and fat and uncared for?  How can I be proud of anything about me? Without masks, I suppose everyone would see I am afraid and vulnerable and unworthy.  I would have to own that I won't let anyone take care of me.

I am in a teary mood today.   Everything hurts and I am feeling invisible.

How are you? Tell me about your day. Anything new to report?

I am off to bed.  Again, I am exhausted.

I loveyou,

Clare

Tarrrrrrred

Hi Honey,

If you keep insulating father from sons, they will never have the closeness your husband had with his dad.  You'll replicate our family dynamics, which are not very healthy...understatement! Let him help you. Let them take care of things - even if it's not your way, even if it's not the best way. He's a smart man.  He'll get it.  And in doing so, maybe you'll open way for him to take care of you.  Because if you are like me, you are blocking help, being uncomplaining and strong, a true Delana Martyr. You need to soften up so your boobs can expand!

Connection with his brother would be great. We need each other.  But connection with his sons is equally important.

I understand your friend's reaction.  She's being considerate, but I think we sometimes give the cancer too much power.  We are all very sensitive to cancer, to your cancer.  But that's not you. You are a whole, hale person who likes to laugh.  And laughter does heal. It is a wonderful, effective remedy.

I'm doing long days, and watching the babe on weekends. I am so tired, inspiration is not reaching my brain.  I don't feel like I have been very deep or helpful here.  I think maybe I am getting a C in life - for showing up!

I tried to listen to the radio program your healer appeared on, but there were so many pop-up ads playing at the same time, I could not hear her. I gave up. And my friend who went to the soul retrieval talked about it, briefly.  The healer worked with each piece she found.  None were left hanging, and lost. Have fun at the dentist's!

With love from Clare

I spoke too soon

Last night, after I logged off, husband asked me about my last dental visit. I took out my day planner and saw it had been January.

Well, so much for no doctors this week- I am now going to the dentist tomorrow afternoon.

If I get my teeth cleaned before the expanders are placed I don't run the risk of infection following the cleaning procedure. Bacteria are introduced into the blood steam each time we have our teeth cleaned, so if I wait I have to take antibiotics to protect my new boobies/expanders. Also the appointment was after I follow up with the oncologist- so if she wants to start chemo I will be ready. You can't get your teeth cleaned during chemo because of the infection risk.

I am also going to the vet this afternoon- my little dog has been straining to defecate for a while, but last night it was really oily and also bloody. I think it's her anal glands, but we will see.

Last evening husband was really sad- Fathers Day is tough for him. He really misses his Dad. He said that he wishes he could meet him for breakfast, like they used to, and talk about all of the stuff that's going on with our family. I felt so badly for him. I have to admit I have trouble understanding that kind of paternal love. I thought about asking his brother to invite him out to talk- but they live about 2 hours from here. I think I will encourage him to reach out to his brother and talk with him. It won't be the same, but it is better than nothing.

I have been sheltering husband from the boys antics, trying to minimize the stress that he's carrying. As I walked this morning I realized how ridiculous this situation is. I really think his injury is from the stress of my diagnosis. Now, I have to buffer him from the boys to allow him to cope with my diagnosis and heal his injury, and I am once again carrying the stress of the boys solo. This is screwed up! I need a wife...

I had to make myself phone our father, and then I kept it short and to the point. I was surprised when he said they talk about me daily. I find it hard to believe. I rarely hear from them. They are a strange couple, as we are a strange family. Thank God I am an orphan!

Love and Light until tomorrow.
Maggie

No doctors this week!

Clare,

I am getting to this late tonight. I went to Meeting, and then took my friend shopping while 3 of my kids took their dad to a terrible breakfast…
at least they were laughing about it…
my oldest found a fly floating in her water.

I made dinner for everyone except daughter#2 who had a show at 2.
So we ate, the boys fought a bit, and then dispersed to neutral corners.
Husband and I took a walk with the dogs and then drove to get frozen yogurt with daughter#2.
It was nice.
I did talk to our father…
he didn't have his hearing aid in so I had to yell…
and he still didn't hear much.
He told me that they are "on my side" and talk about me every day…
but they rarely talk to me.

your hallmark card writing is poignant…
it makes me laugh and cry a the same time…
it's laughable because it's so true…
but that's really sad.

So, I have a week of no doctor's appointments…
amazing.
I am seeing my rieki healer as well as my massage therapist friend.
I should feel much better after those appointments.

I went out with a friend yesterday for lunch. We laughed and told stories for several hours. As I was driving home she called me, crying. She said that she feels so badly because we were laughing and she doesn't want me to think that she doesn't really care about the cancer. She is incredibly sweet and one of my closest friends- I told her that she has offered me more support than the majority of my family and I am eternally grateful. It was almost funny to hear her crying and apologizing. I don't think that I am pretending that this isn't really happening, I think it's good to maintain perspective about the journey. I am going to survive this- through better or worse- and I will be stronger than I was before.

I hope that you have a great week.
See you here tomorrow,
Maggie

Fathers DayII

Hi Maggie,

Has your family been celebrating Fathers Day?  Ours hasn't.  Because my kids were homeschooled, we never got much into the Hallmark holidays. Even though I was aware of it being Fathers Day yesterday, I sort of let it slip away, and didn't call Dad.

I'll probably pop out a hope you had a happy day note before I go to bed.

I did have an emotional few moments, thinking about Fathers Day this afternoon.  I was in the garden, always a good place to think.  I was composing Fathers Day cards. I came up with:  Happy Fathers Day to the man who let me know I was a pain in the ass every day of my life, who taught me never to ask for help - because I am not worth it, and who lovingly pointed out how attractive my friends were, and wished I could be more like them.

Yeah, I'm exhausted and in a mood.  Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.  Didn't know I was going to be such a Merry Little Sunshine today!

Hope I didn't push any of your buttons.  Or, if I did, they were buttons that needed pushed!

We finally had a sunny day.  Hope you did too.

Lots of love from Clare

Fathers Day

Hi Maggie,

Meeting the plastic surgeon, buying supplies - it all seems like it's happening too fast.  Yet I acknowledge your comment about two months being too long.  Time can be a bit schizophrenic. How are you doing? How is your husband doing?

There was a story in the Bible about Abraham, maybe, telling his wife to sleep with Pharoah, maybe.  And in school, Sister told us it was not a sin for the woman.  She was simply being obedient.  And I remember being told that Dad was God's voice in the family.  So we have sacred contracts with each other, but religion changes it, makes it something different.

I was thinking about the sinless woman, and it seems that maybe it's not that she was sinless, but that she was a commodity.  And that truth is hidden in religion.

And as I write, it is almost midnight, almost Father's Day.  I really don't celebrate the Hallmark holidays.  But I have an especially hard time with Father's Day.  I have a hard time thinking back with nostalgia or joy. The commercials just make me uncomfortable. 

Anyway, I am exhausted. I went dancing tonight - contra!!

Hope you are relaxed and resting.

Love from Clare

Potential layers

Honor thy Father and thy Mother…
This has so many sides to it.
Yes,
if they are indeed inadequate or abusive there is a need to distance ourselves from that…
to take on the orphan archetype…
raise ourself as feral…
but move into adulthood unbounded by those family norms.

I do wonder though about sacred contracts…
I believe that we choose life's circumstances prior to conception and make sacred contracts with others.
So, we are somewhat responsible for the life circumstances that we place ourselves into. So, in a sense, while we may not honor their role as abusers, we do have to honor the fact that they are keeping their promise in that contract.

I am lost in all of the potential layers.

I met my plastic surgeon today.
I like him, he introduced himself, said he was sorry for meeting under these circumstances, and then looked me in the eye and said, "this really sucks"…
yes it does, I answered.
We came to an agreement on our plan for reconstruction. I will have expanders placed between the pectoral muscles at surgery and some fluid will be placed into them- they are like a heavy duty water balloon. Then, after about 2 weeks of recovery I will visit the plastic surgery clinic weekly to have more sterile water added until they are the size that we want. This will all heal for a period of time and then the expanders will be removed and replaced with semi-permanent implants. That will happen in about 4 - 6 months. Then I have the option of having nipples built and tattooed onto the fake boobies to make  it all look normal. I am not sure I need that third step, but he asked us to wait to decide, see how I feel after things are healed.

I hope that you have a quiet weekend. The rain is finally supposed to end tomorrow…yeah!
Love and Light,
Maggie

Honor thy father and thy mother

Hi Maggie,

I had a talk with someone from a Muslim family today.  The family dynamics mirrored ours.  It hit me hard that it does not matter what culture or religion we grow up in - the effects of violence are the same.

What I am left with, though, is wondering why we are so vested in making our parents right.  A parent tells us we are not good, we are not worthy, we are not loveable, and we spend our life trying to prove they are right.  So many of the stupid, self-destructive things we do is to live up to what we think they see.

Why can't we see they were damaged individuals, not the demi-gods we saw them as.  It seems as if our life or our  sanity might shatter if we proved them wrong.  Maybe the real heart of it is that we would have to face the truth that all the pain and suffering we endured as children was unnecessary.

I thought about the commandments - Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother.  Even if they are not honorable, we must treat them as gods.  Is religion the root of this, too?

But there's also the absolute vulnerability of being a child.  They are big and wise.  They provide nourishment and shelter and safety...if we are lucky. And if we are not lucky, we pretend it is enough.

And when I hear these stories that mirror ours, compassion oozes out of me.  Why don't I have that same feeling for myself?

Still trapped, with Dad's words...

I hope you are having a day of rest and nesting!

I'll meet you here.  Waiting with love.

Clare

Never solo

Hey Love,

Life is full of lessons, and I think you have inadvertently hit on a big one.  Maybe we are not supposed to fly solo. Remember the fledgling robin I watched? She had to leave the nest and fly alone. And not one, but both parents were there witnessing, encouraging staying with her. Your healer is holding you together on a spiritual level. I am here, psychologically - you are in my heart every single day.  Your husband is there physically and emotionally - and if he's not, ask him to call me.  I can talk him through this partner stuff.  My kids will tell you, I am good!

And maybe you are disintegrating as a way of releasing your breasts.  It might not be all bad.  Again, as you go through this process, you have a loving healer to hold the pieces.  Nothing will be lost during this life episode.  No soul retrieval will be necessary.

The soul retrieval is a six week process.  I am not sure if we really get hit with all our lost bits at once.  But if so, we work together - we talk and talk and analyze and welcome and accept ourselves and each other.

From here, I am not sure how much you have dissociated your mind from your body.  I see you moving from being very logical and practical, which is dissociated, and is necessary, to moments of panic and facing the absolute, inescapable reality of surgery and losing both breasts, then having new ones formed.  I think this is necessary.  It would not be healthy to stay in either mindset, and you need both.

Are you going to have a sticky, gooey, no more braces celebration dinner? 

If all goes as planned, I will be with my son's family the middle two weeks of August. I'll keep you posted.

I love you,

Clare

A little help from my friends...

Clare,

The idea of soul retrieval sounds fascinating…
but what will we do with all of the pieces bombarding us simultaneously?
We have packed away bits and pieces of ourselves in order to live with ourselves…
how traumatic would it be to have it all back in 3 sessions?

I am being quite serious.
I saw my reiki healer yesterday…
I have disconnected my mind from my body again because of this disease.
I am disintegrating in order to handle it…
to survive.
She reassured me that she would just keep putting the pieces back together…
as long as it takes.
I want to be whole…
I want to be solid enough that I don't disintegrate with each threat…
I thought I was stronger and healthier at this point in my life.
Yesterday was a good reminder that I am very early on this journey to integrity…
not yet mature enough to "fly solo"…
I get by with a little help from my friends.
And that is a good thing…
community…
interdependence…
wholeness from sharing strengths and weaknesses…
vulnerability…
trust.

Today my youngest is having his braces removed…
a milestone…
last child is finished…
less appointments…
less restrictions…
yeah.

When are you planning on going west? I hope sometime this summer. You enjoyed yourself so much during your last visit. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Grammy's fam

Hi Maggie,

So I ate sugar again today.  I am logy, I don't feel like working in the garden, when before sugar I was so excited every day.  I don't even feel like going outside.

It's poison, but it's such a sweet poison - so sweet I can pretend it's not.  I guess that's the part where it numbs my brain.

I guess I'm also just tired. My youngest's schedule changed, and so I watch the baby on both of my days off.  It seems I am in complaining mode!

I had a couple Grammy moments.  I was talking to someone about my pattern of sending things late.  I am great at getting things packed, but terrible at getting them in the mail. Then I remembered we always got cards late from Grammy.  I decided it is genetic.  I was also talking about knitting, and I physically remembered sitting all snuggled up to Grammy when I was about 12 or 13, learning to knit. 

I am hoping to get out west to visit my son and his family and remembered when Grammy moved out to Cali to help Aunt T.  We only saw her every few years after that.  I knew, when my son and his family moved west, the same would happen again.  I haven't seen them for two years and I hate it.  I hate having them so far away.

Family patterns.

Mom told me once that Grammy's sister, Aunt Ruth, used to plant potato peels with eyes in them.  And potatoes would grow.  And I have been thinking a lot about their brother who died at the Battle of the Bulge. An immigrant family sacrificed a son.

For some reason, this family is with me.  I wish I knew more. There had to be violence and/or alcohol or Grammy would not have married Grampa S.  And something weird was going on or Mom would not have been so frightened of sex.  And she never would have married into Dad's family.

Grammy had Sami heritage.  Someone told me these people were treated as badly as the Native Americans have been treated here. And their records were not seen as valuable enough to be kept.  That could be the root of some of the violence.

 Oh, and yesterday when I said we should do a soul retrieval, I meant you and me us.

How are things in your home?  Please keep me posted.

Lots of love from Clare

soul retrieval?

Hi Maggie,

I had ice cream for dessert tonight - it was special birthday ice cream. That was my justification. Now I feel awful.  I can't eat sugar.  I have to face that fact and be strong.

Last weekend I went to an all day herbal conference.  This was more for inspiration than education.  I had the baby with me. I attended parts of 3 separate workshops. And I spent time walking the babe. During lunch, she put her foot in my food.  Remember those days?

Anyway, the third workshop was a drumming/shaman journeying session.  I wanted to go, but decided not to because it's hard to relax and concentrate with a a baby.  But a  friend went to the teacher and asked her opinion - would a baby be too disruptive? And so we ended up going to the session.  By the way, a baby is too disruptive.  I got into the first meditation, which involved visiting a garden.  But, the point is a conversation I had with my friend.

My friend and I have known each other for about 15 years.  She knows all of my kids, she understands our family dynamics.  She is someone I can talk to and not feel weird or judged.  She has been visiting a shaman/healer.  The healer does three sessions with each client.  The last session is a soul retrieval.  My friend knows you have breast cancer, and asks about you often.  I told her we had been talking about shamanism and soul retrieval.  She said we should just do it...we should do the sessions, which are each two weeks apart, and go through the soul retrieval.

Thoughts?  I'm willing!

Your son's challenging your sanity and memory are classic deflective maneuvers. When you stop to consider his accusations, he can escape. You know you are not crazy, and you know they will lie to get you off their backs.  His breakdown was perfect.  It leads to a breakthrough - almost every time.  This has to be a really scary time for him. I am glad he has decided to see the Reiki healer.  She seems to have good insights.  I thought about her this weekend when S#3 was here overnight. I remembered
our session and our stories as sisters.

The Friend who stared probably saw vulnerability streaming from you.  And you are lovely...

I have moments of logic about your upcoming surgery.  Then I have moments of emotion.  It seems surreal, then it seems frighteningly real. And I'm just a bystander. You are the one facing this.  We are here to support, but ultimately you face this battle alone.  My heart is with you.  I wish the rest of me could be there too.

I love you and miss you,

Clare

Equanimity and Balance- not yet

Clare,

I definitely recognize those patterns. When I was not working, I did everything for the kids. While at work husband would take over. I remember coming home from work, with the first baby, and he would be walking around the condo with her in a backpack, she cried if he took her out. Many times, at the beginning she would be crying, as soon as she would see me she would stop crying and smile. He would grab the dog and leave for a walk.
It reinforced that he wasn't enough for her…
I had the food source and she never took a bottle.
This set the stage for all 4 kids…
and I loved it…
I loved being the primary source of fulfillment for them…even though it was exhausting…
but he has always allowed and expected me to take care of all of their needs.
I recognize this and own it.

My anger is dissipating…
but it has spewed forth to the kids.
My youngest threw a bat after striking out yesterday.
He threw it so hard it went over the backstop…
luckily landing in weeds and not hurting anyone.
He refuses to see that this could have hurt someone…
he just keeps saying it didn't so stop worrying.
We talked for quite a while…
he finally broke down and cried and briefly expressed his anger and confusion over the cancer and his father's injury.

I am concerned about both boys smoking pot regularly again.
The oldest is out, every day with his friends who smoke.
The youngest was smoking a "blunt" in his room at 2 am on Saturday morning.
I heard a loud bang…
went to investigate and when I opened his door the air smelled like pot.
He spent most of Saturday telling me I was insane…
making stuff up in my head…
He had me questioning my judgement…
But, yesterday after he broke down he brought me half of a cigar that smelled of pot…
they remove the tobacco and put pot into the wrapper…
But there was no apology.
He did agree to see a counselor and my reiki friend…
that's a step in the right direction.

This morning I ordered 2 camisoles with breast support and small pockets to carry the post-op drains. It made surgery seem more real. I am moving closer to it, everyday. I meet the plastic surgeon on Friday. I also have pre-admission testing and the anesthesia interview…then 2 weeks later I will lose my breasts. I stop myself, almost every day, from worrying that this is the day that tumor is going to take a trip out of my breast and set up residence somewhere else... 2 months of waiting is just too long. But, I am getting healthier every single day with exercise, diet and meditation. I have decided to listen to a CD meditation by Jack Kornfield on Equanimity and Peace…trying to train myself to be able to relax and balance in the face of fear and anxiety. It will be a tremendous help.

I had a strange encounter yesterday after Meeting…a Friend who I've known for 5 years pulled me aside. He said he needed to apologize to me. I was confused. He said that last week he found himself staring at me for a long period of time, "you were so lovely to behold". Well, I was flattered, creeped out and embarrassed simultaneously. I am still trying to decipher the meaning of all of that.

I am glad you had such a nice family time yesterday. Thank you for being here, meeting me regularly. I come to this spot as a lifeline, now more than ever before.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Family dynamics

I think the women you are treating is a sort of angel.  She is magnifying the effects of childhood trauma so you can't possibly mistake it or not notice it. Seeing it in her means you can see the reflection in you, in our family. The words you want her to believe are the words you must accept and believe.

I have been thinking about you all day.  I think when we are raised by men like our father, we are on guard, fearful.  It seeps into our adult life.  I know I did not completely trust my ex with the kids, and I stepped in, feeling like I was the only one who could love and protect them.  And so he left me with them, more and more. I was part of the process of him stepping and standing outside of family. But -- I of course chose a man who would willingly accept this role.

I think your family dynamics are similar.  Now you have to open way for your husband to take over and parent and nurture, to trust him to make decisions and follow through with your sons.  I remember the weekend you visited, they called you repeatedly when their dad was right there.  It reminded me of our pattern - the belief that only Mom has a clue.

Open way, and then you might have to push him in!  But he can do it. If he/you want a marriage, he'll get in there and man up!

But you need to be taken care of.  And if you need to come here, do it. The back door is never locked.

I was at a barbecue at my oldest's. There was a moment when it felt like a movie. My children were passing the baby around, interacting with old friends and family. It was just nice. But it made me miss my oldest son. I wish he and his family were part of tonight's circle.

Tomorrow is the girls' birthday.  Thirty-four years ago, right now, I was still in labor!  That was a long weekend. And tonight, I pushed the stroller up to her house - about 2.5 miles, and when I walked in,she was standing by her house, and she looked so womanly. She looks very much like my mother-in-law.

But then we had a sibling moment. Everyone has been encouraging the baby to walk. Tonight she took three steps from her aunt to me.  And my oldest told my youngest, who felt hurt to have missed it.

Yep, we're a family!

I love you.  If you need me, just ask.

Love from Clare

Still angry

Clare,
Thank you for validating my feelings of anger…
and not telling me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I made my boys sleep at home last night so they would be here and rested to help today. Both gave me about an hour's battle about how unrealistic I am…
Their pattern is to stay at someone's house…
not sleep…
and then spend the following day napping while I am out working.
When I explained that to them they PROMISED that wouldn't happen…
even though each had ignored jobs given to them for the past few days.
The youngest was so obnoxious I almost packed and came to your house…
I told him I felt like leaving…
he threw back at me the times he's wanted to run away and I've stopped him…
not in a nice, genuinely concerned way…
but- you stopped me so don't be a hypocrite- way.

I hate this time…
I hate feeling as if I am being directed towards vulnerability and they are fighting and resisting it even more than I am. The old lessons of "you're only valuable if you are serving" are rising up and slapping me in the face. And I am supposed to walk into this and welcome it? This is so hard. It is so hard to say to them I need your help…and have them tell me all of the other activities that are more fun and appealing to them. Why can't they just see that I want them to simply want to be with me, to show they care by working along side of me, talking with me, it would be nice to laugh together.
Last weekend Mom called…
she caught me after a glass of wine so I talked a little more than usual. She asked what she could do for me. I could not bring myself to ask her for anything, except to encourage all of you siblings to have the genetic test and insist on a breast MRI if there is a mutation. She has helped me once in my adult life, when my third was born. And then Dad only gave her a few days to be at my house.
I used to hate him for hoarding her…
until I realized that she allows him to act like that…
she doesn't stand up for herself or her children's needs…
what a great role model.
I don't know what to think about anyone anymore.

I feel very uneasy allowing acquaintances to help when my own family won't…
but they are the ones who are sincerely offering.
What is the lesson in all of this?

The woman from yesterday was the personification of my internal world as few years ago. She was the image of how I felt…
tightly wrapped up- protecting every part of herself.
She was so uneasy she was rocking to self-soothe.
As I interviewed her, I identified with so many of the things she said- although hers was like mine on steroids.
She is an obsessively orderly, cleaning freak…
She can't sleep at night for fear of someone coming in to harm her children.
She hates to see people drunk or high and feels threatened by them.
She has been to jail 3 times for protecting herself against a perceived threat from men. SHe assaulted them before they could hurt her or her children.
She never uses substances for fear she will let her guard down.
She has only ever loved her children.
She trusts no one.
She relies on no one.
As we were going through the interview she would say things that caused a visceral reaction in me…
I don't know if she was triggering me or if I was picking up her energy and sensing her internal struggle.
I just wanted to go back to her little girl self and protect her…
the way we all deserve to be loved and protected.
I wanted to change her past.
I don't understand why children have to suffer like this…
and grow up into suffering, wounded adults…
only to perpetuate the cycle…
she assured me that she has never hurt her children…
she has broken that cycle for her kids…
but she fears she has taught them to be afraid.
All of this is very painful to think about and write.
I keep telling myself, "there, but for the grace of God, go I".
My story is bad…hers is horrendous.
I hope that she heard me when I told her she was not inherently bad…
I truly hope so.

Thanks for listening/reading.
Love and Light,
Maggie

You deserve

I know the pattern well.  I have always been able to do anything with a smile.  And I was praised by everyone:  You're such a strong woman.  My stories are similar - being left home alone, sick, with a newborn and 3 older kids.  Taking care of everything.  One time the washer broke down and I washed some clothes in the bathtub.  I heard him tell a friend,  "If I'd have known she would do that, I never would have bought a washing machine."

I see your patterns and I fear with you. My marriage ended when I realized I did not have a partner. I was in my marriage alone. There was never anyone there for me.  I am getting angry for you.

Your husband may be in pain, but he does not have a life threatening illness. He's really not going to lift anything more than a coffee cup for the next 3 months?

Maybe this is part of the lesson that cancer will teach you, and your men.  This pattern has to change. You have to be as important as they are.

This is my struggle, also, so maybe I should stay out of it!  We're touching one of my nerves.

I recently talked to my daughter about my feelings of being invisible.  I don't feel that anyone knows I am here, I am tired, I work long hours.  I am the invisible fairy that picks up dishes and magically produces clean laundry and warm meals.  She acknowledged that I had spoken, but she didn't hear me.

Sounds like you do the same in your home.  It's probably a female role in our family...

I say raise hell.  Your husband had surgery on his arm...boohoo. If he's too weak to help you, he's too weak to go out with the guys.  Your son is going to be bored - how weak.  Toughen up boys. What Mama is about to face is life changing. It overpowers anything they are doing. But if they can silence you and diminish the importance...damn, come here to recover. Let them take care of themselves and see if they like life without you...

I think if you are not angry, the tumors will have to grow to get your attention.  How much more are you willing to lose?

Sorry, we seem to have tapped my inner bitch.

I have been having a hard time finding time alone to blog.  This weekend will be hard.  I am going to a day-long herb workshop - yes, something for me. I am taking the baby. Oh well.  Then S#3 will be here overnight with 3 of her grandchildren.  She is bringing her son's possessions.  He is going to be working here, and living with me for awhile.  Then Sunday is a family barbecue at my oldest's.  It is my girl day - both girl's birthdays are Monday, with one daughter-in-law a few days later and a probable daughter-in-law a few days before.  I'm not sure when I will have a quiet, private moment with my laptop.

So what did the negative client trigger in you?  What from her experience and reaction is yours also. I definitely recognized sliminess.  She may be a teacher, appropriate for this  moment.

Do you need someone to look you in the eyes and tell you you are valuable?  You deserve respectful care and loving attention during this time.

Because, my dear sister, I value you.  You are important.  You deserve loving attention as you face surgery. 

I love you.  You are in my heart every day, even when I struggle to make it here.

Hugs from Clare

Anger surfaces

Clare,

I am having a very angry day. Husband was off again today. Everyone just started the day slowly…
but I was doing laundry…
loading the dishwasher…
getting ready for work.
I found myself muttering under my breath, "I am really angry" this morning.
I said the same thing last night.

I'm not sure what I am angry about…
or to be more specific there are many things that have me angry…
My boys and husband not helping around the house…
despite knowing I am working to get things done on a deadline they just want to have fun…
husband tells me he is unable to lift anything heavier than a coffee cup for 12 weeks!
Are you F***ing kidding me?
So I am supposed to step up and take care of him again.
Son#1 wants to hang with his friends because they leave for the beach tomorrow and he'll be bored all next week…and Son#2 just slept on the couch even though he was asked to mow the lawn.
Tonight all 3 of them are off playing baseball and hanging with friends.
I am ready to find a spa- hospital where I can have surgery and recover without this hassle.
I think that there has been such a long time between diagnosis and the surgery that they all forget that I am in need of assistance and support.

I also saw one of the saddest, most devastated women of my life today. Her energy made me start to have a true sense of her many traumas. I could feel the sliminess of her perpetrators. In the end I told her that she was not a bad person…she had people do bad things to her and she has made bad choices…but she is not inherently bad. I want to cry for her. Her negative energy has made me more angry…I need to cut that energy cord now.

I am going to try to distract myself…
Love and Light,
Maggie

Changing a pattern

Clare,
I think I do remember "Taste ya?"
It made me smile to read it.
I guess we did share some things when we were younger.

So husband has taken this whole week off to recover from what was supposed to be a "back to work the next day". I am glad he is taking some time for recovery and relaxation. He hadn't taken a week day off all year. I do worry that he'll feel behind when it's my turn and have to work despite my being at home recovering…
he's done that before…
He went to work the day after my knee arthroscopy with me home with 4 kids aged 17 months - 8 years…
He went to the hospital for one more study (he was on call) when I was in labor with #4…
sent me home from church with 2 of the 3 to wait for S#3 to arrive at home with every 5 minute contractions. I drove myself and the kids to and from church.
He has a history of expecting me to handle anything that comes my way…
and I've been conditioned to smile and make it work out…
why did I ever take all of that on?

I believe this time will be different. we have changed that pattern. This time he has been at my side at each appointment. I think he has learned the lesson of expecting independence from me…marital separation and the ending of a relationship.

I have been working in the yard and around the house. I love this time of year. I am redefining garden spaces and laying mulch down. I am putting in some new plants, not too many though. I love a crowded "cottage garden" look. I let plants extend outward and intermingle. I have columbine coming up in the center of irises…it is such a beautiful sight. It makes me happy.

Oh well, one more day this week. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Surrender...and laugh?

I am so sorry about the problems at your house.  I knew your husband had torn his bicep, but I didn't realize he had surgery to repair it. Maybe it will make him more tender with you when you are recovering, because this all will be so fresh in his mind, in his experience.  Maybe you are both being tenderized, preparing you for something loving you have to do for the planet...maybe?

If there's anything I can do from afar, please let me know.

Will your husband have to take time off to recuperate? Maybe that will leave more time for you to heal together, leave more time for him to doctor you.

Somehow, I think the universe is always giving us the same message - surrender, be loving.

I had a flash of childhood memory today.  We had a gazillion errands to run, and stopped for a slice of pizza to prevent baby breakdown and nursing mama breakdown. My daughter and her best friend each got an Italian soda - one was blood orange, the other was lemon.  They exchanged tastes, just to see which they preferred.  And I suddenly remembered,  "Taste ya?" 

When we all had popsicles or suckers that were different colors we would ask each sib,  "Taste ya?"  and exchange tastes.  Do you remember?

I had forgotten...


I am in garden frenzy.  Luckily,  garden frenzy makes me happy!

I am exhausted, and must go to bed...I hope you and your beloved make it through the night in good form.

Love to you both.....Clare

more challenges

I don't think times are good or bad…
I think how we perceive them determines that…
it is our attitude…
of course if someone dies we consider that bad…
until we conceive of their soul set free.

The green wood does have to age and mature…
it has to be prepared for the flame…
but all of that journey is about bringing it to those coals that smolder.

I am sorry that things were hectic at your house. I hope that my niece is doing better and that the GI bug has moved on.

Over the weekend husband was warming up the baseball team, hitting pop flies to the outfielders and he felt a "pop". His biceps tendon tore. He didn't say anything about it until after we got home and then he met a friend, an orthopedic surgeon, who felt it could wait until Monday. The MRI showed a full tear yesterday and today he had surgery. He is in a lot more pain than anticipated. He is quite groggy and is very restless. I've been up since 5 am, taking care of him since we got home at 11, and am about to drop. I am not sure what the universe is trying to tell me/us…but someone's sending a message and I need to figure it out. Maybe I'll ask my reiki friend.

I am going to try to just chill and help him to get comfortable. It's about time for the ice packs again.
Love and Light,
Maggie

AWOL

Hi Maggie,

Sorry to have been AWOL.  I just checked and the last time I wrote was Thursday.  I guess we have been  busy, because time has just slipped by. I would have sworn I only missed a day or two.

I talked to S#3 and she told me you had a date for surgery. That hit me hard.  Having a date made everything take another step into reality.

I hope you are resting.  I know school is over, for you and for the boys.  How much other time do you need to be out of the house, doing things?  Do you have enough down time?

This weekend was a birthday party, followed by an attack of a GI bug, followed by my daughter's first plugged duct - almost mastitis.  And I got a lot more of the garden in.

I have read and reread the quote by Ajahn Chah, asking about the learning acquired during bad times versus good.  I suddenly wondered if we allow ourselves good times.  I wondered what we would learn if we did allow ourselves good times.  In families like ours, we mostly learn from bad times, because that is where we linger, that is what we understand.

Also thinking about the green wood. That is the wood that is not ready to burn.  It burns too hot and leaves a chimney full of creosote.  It needs to age, to ripen - maybe, to mature.  It is better to wait for the older wood, the drier wood, the wood that has had some time.  Then we get a steady light that doesn't burn out so fast. Maybe there's nothing wrong with waiting foe wisdom.

Being transparent, giving people a place to talk about cancer and other scary things is a gift.  It teaches the rest of us to be gracious.  It makes cancer less scary, gives it a face.

I am feeling a strong urge to plant and preserve food this year.  I must go out and plant green beans. Then I will go and buy some tomato plants, and broccoli and Brussels sprouts, and maybe even cabbage.  But right now, I am just tired.

I will check back soon and be back tomorrow.

Let me know all the latest, please.

Love from Clare

        

If you are going to be a Light…you have to burn

Clare,

I picked ups book last evening, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times, by Jack Kornfield…
it was on my desk…
I had started it before, but put it aside because something more pressing distracted me…
but, serendipitously, I found it again.

A few of the quotes:

To survive our difficulties is to become initiated into the fraternities of wisdom. 

Which has had more value in your life, where have you grown more and learned more, where have you become more wise, where have you learned patience, understanding, equanimity, and forgiveness- in your hard times or the goods ones?   (Ajahn Chah)

As you face loss, frustration, hurt, and conflict, invite a sense of your own dignity. Sit up, stand up tall. Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.

It is amazing…
once I surrendered to the lessons of this experience I find a book to help guide me through.

I also recently saw a quote: If you're going to be a Light, You've got to burn. When I read Dark Night of the Soul St. John talked about being green wood, and having to burn out all of the extraneous stuff until only the essence of the true you is left behind- coals that burn hot and smolder, able to ignite others…I love that image.
Life is good.

Love and Light,
Maggie