Miracles?

I think we learn to trust serenity and grace.  When that happens, we jump off the see-saw at a lower height, so we don't get hurt as much (or maybe we don't hurt ourselves as much)  and we don't shock those who are nearest to us as much.  I think our highs get lower and our lows get higher, and we have moments of exquisite peace within.  Maybe not lots of moments - but they happen.  Instead of drama we have depth.

But I still run and hide.  It is reflexive. Someone smiles and I feel vulnerable, and I am gone - even if I am sitting in front of you, smiling back at you...

I was thinking about this summer's gathering.  I was feeling your ambivalence, and a thought came to me.  If I go, I am not going with the intention of getting in anyone's face about our past.  I am not going to show up in a T-shirt that says Abused by...  or Raped by...  I don't want to put anyone on the defensive.  But if way opens, I am not going to pretend nothing happened.  I don't see anything wrong with calmly noting that a situation might be different if we hadn't  all endured - name the abuse and abuser.  Just mention the truth quietly and confidently and see if the light starts percolating in those dark areas we all have.  Who knows what the others are thinking, or trying desperately to ignore.  If I am calm and loving and open to listening, something beautiful may emerge.

Writing that made me wonder what my life would be like if I lived my life in expectation of beauty.

But when it starts to show, I hide...

As far as whispering - I feel like there's always been the lingering question in the family,  "why is Clare so weird? strange? different?"  The question will be there for the rest of this existence.

I don't know if you remember, but I brought a friend home for Thanksgiving many years ago.  She was a young, single art teacher.  When we left, she said, "They are all so...normal.  What happened with you?"  I have never fit.  So, let them whisper. 

I don't think we can address domestic violence, or wife and child torture to a high degree, without exposing patriarchy and the rape culture we live in.  Men have to be oppressed in order to objectify family members, women in general, children, animals, plants the land...in order to own this, to benefit from this, it must be objectified.  In order to take on these torture issues, they have to see their role in maintaining the system.  That is a lot to take on emotionally.  It is so much easier to be the victim of circumstance.

I remember it was hard for me to go from being St. Clare of the Kitchen Sink to understanding that I bullied my children with my anger. I damaged them.  It is hard to see what happened to me.  It is devastating to see what happened to me.  But it's harder to see the pain I have each inflicted on others; to suddenly see my place in maintaining this patriarchal slavery.  Those who maintain emotional distance don't have the courage and the strength.  Someone else has to go first, then slowly, others follow.  Then it will become trendy, and civilization will change.

Sounds easy, except when you are the one alone and naked before the group saying - someone abused me, bad things happened to me - but I am still human, humane, good, worthwhile.  And when we're lucky, we actually start to believe ourselves.

So even though I believe to the core of my soul that no one wants to see me naked, I stand here, naked except for pseudonym, and say I was neglected, I was shamed, I was raped.  I expected my husband to love and accept me and to heal me.  He could not.  He did not have the ability, nor did he know I had the expectation.  I was so hurt and angry with him, and with my father who had the same behaviors, that I screamed at my children, berated them, took out my pain on them.  I was a bully - taking out my anger on the weakest link - the people who were stuck with me.

I am ashamed.

But I hold my head up, because I had the courage to face my demons, to go to Al-Anon.  And I stopped screaming.  And my children have forgiven me.

Unfortunately, I have not forgiven myself.

Forgiveness will come through my children, when I trust myself with their love.

And maybe that's why I don't want to give up on the sibs.  Miracles can happen, as long as we're not counting on them.

Love to you...and grace and serenity!

Clare