It is time to breathe and sing and laugh and meditate again....

I actually stayed at my house today...
just me and the animals...
I worked on my final assignments and I took 2 walks.
I took the boys shopping after school and it was nice to laugh and just be with them.

You talk about leaving our bodies because of the abuse...
hovering near but failing to have an earthly experience...
but we're still tied down to the body and its pain.
You are so right that we are changed by abuse...
every cell is changed when one experiences violence...
especially when the person is supposed to be a family...
then you are most vulnerable.

It has left me distrustful and vigilant for the rest of my life, for example...

One of my children stayed overnight at a friend's house on Saturday.
When he came home on Sunday he was very tired and short tempered.
He took 4 showers in less than 24 hours and yelled at me this morning to leave him alone.
He is not usually like this...he isn't a morning person, but he is never angry.
My first thought was someone has hurt him...
I spent the day wondering what could have happened...
When he got home from school I explained that he wasn't acting like himself and asked if anything had happened. He denied anything happening...just that they stayed up way too late.

I cannot help myself from jumping to the conclusion that someone has done something to my babies.
I cannot be logical and tell myself he is just tired.
I cannot believe that they are safe, because the world is not a safe place to live.
I hate living like this...vigilant, overly responsive, distrustful, reactive.

In quiet moments I do know that the world is a good place and that there are many loving beings here...
but as soon as something seems off...I jump to conclusions...negative conclusions...and I run the scenarios through my head...warding off the worst.

I cannot wait to breathe again.
I cannot wait to sing again.
I cannot wait to meditate again.
I cannot wait to laugh with my kids again...
heck, I'm even looking forward to cleaning and cooking regularly again.
I am just amazed that all of that was put to the sidelines during this graduate program.

Thanks for the encouragement...
Love and Light,
Maggie