insight

"We can let the see-saw drop from a lower height"...
is that the path to recovery?
Do we startle, jump off  and run away less when we recover from all of this?
Do we trust more, need to protect ourselves less?
What is the path...I am told it is to let it all go.
Not forget, but no longer remain attached to the memories or the shame and secrecy...
to be able to speak the truth out loud.

I don't know...my wise friend tells me over and over again, "you know exactly what to do"...
but I am not sure...and I am too fearful to let the guard down and see what the solution is.

I have been thinking about the family party this summer, and am not sure if I am attending...
it's not a spite-filled choice... it is a well thought out choice.
but as you say the farce of being one, happy, normal family is a lie and I really don't want to live lies...
I don't want to meet up with siblings and pretend that I never wrote of the abuse and dysfunction.
I don't want the silence, but then again I don't want them whispering about my "breakdown"or mental health issues. 

I'm back to "sometimes I feel like a motherless child, such a long way from home"

I think that I realized a large part of my current frustration with my class project...
I am working in a group that includes 2 men who are not invested in this domestic violence project...
I have been looking at it from a responsibility aspect...
me taking on too much and them just letting it all happen.
Tonight I said something to a friend, I said that maybe the project was too close to home for them to invest themselves into it. I realize that the project is too close to home for me so I can't de-invest myself from it. I am working very hard to make a difference, and they don't seem to care. I think that's the crux of the frustration. It must be close because I am crying as I write this. Maybe I need to speak my truths and let them understand my need to do this.

I love you,
Maggie