thoughtful choices

Clare,

I have a friend who I see every two weeks for a massage...
deep tissue...
it keeps me moving without pain.
I have bad arthritis in my neck- from X-rays.
If I have the massage and do yoga I avoid the awful headaches I've had in the past.

I did both massage and yoga on Monday evening...
it was great.
I also moved snow for 7 hours Tuesday...
on the tractor and shoveling for extended periods of time.
Everything on my body hurt last evening...
my right hand is still swollen between the 2,3,and 4th fingers...
no injury...
overuse.
I took a hot shower, drank some wine and tried to sleep.

My youngest is in one of his confrontational phases. He would not help outside yesterday.
He called me a "stupid bitch" for getting the tractor stuck in ice and snow. He ranted and raved about how unfair we are to ground him for having a party and an overnight female guest while we were in NC...He wouldn't let us sleep for quite a while...
stomping...
slamming..
loud music...
yelling.
He finally slept about 5:30 am...
after he woke us up with similar treatment.
Today he told me he feels like he's going to explode through his skin...
if he doesn't get his way...
total freedom...
I offered to take him to the hospital for an evaluation.
This was not a fun snow day.

I may go to hell for this, but I cannot wait until he leaves for college- or whatever his next step is.
I cannot take this much longer. I felt like hitting him last night...
but reminded myself he needs our energy to escalate to feed his own fire.
I worry about him.
I was diagnosing him today...
but reminded myself that many of our family are similarly natured.
Are they all bi-polar?
I do think the answer is yes

Yes, we do try to prove our worthiness...
I am a people pleaser- martyr- Joan of Arc-type person.
I feel best when I've not just helped people, but sacrificed something to help them...
and then feel hurt that it's not noticed...
what a crazy, circular type behavior that is.
How do we stop it? I think we take some time before each choice and ask some simple questions...
What are my intentions?
How does this serve me?
What does this cost me?
Am I helping another?
Am I helping myself?

Maybe thoughtful choices are the only way to identify and change the patterns.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie