another dream...

Hi Maggie,

The problem with running away is we take ourselves with us. Oh, and when we are the parent, the kids want to come. They want to ride shotgun.  And they need to stop at MacDonald's.  And then they take control of the radio. (Your godson told me that when he drove, he got to control the radio. When I drove, he got to control the radio...because I would turn on things like Prairie Home Companion...)  You just have to wait them out...outlast them and keep loving them even when they are daring you not to.

This place may work for S#3. Her kids will not be living with her. They will be her neighbors though. The property has a log cabin with a basement apartment, then a trailer a distance away. It gives her a bit of space.  She won't even have to hear them, but she doesn't feel like she's abandoning anyone, especially her youngest, and all the kids.  Her oldest and his love will probably move into the basement apartment. They are talking marriage and kids...And they can pick up some of the slack with Niece's kids, separate them a little to downsize the bickering.

But what I am hoping is that I make the difference. Or at least help.  I feel like we are friends as well as sisters, and that it will be fun. And she will have a connection to a companion. Our grandkids are all friends, and so there is a connection.  I have begun getting to know her daughter better, who is so quiet, almost shut down, and finding we are alike, and that I enjoy her flashes of light and humor.

As the family herbalist, I recommend you start drinking some dandelion root tea every day. It tones the liver. When the liver is functioning its best, it can remove the excess hormones coursing through the body and causing symptoms. It does help.

Your doctor doesn't want to harvest your organs. That implies using them for something. She just wants to render the feminine invisible, to prove that our reproductive system is not important once we have born children with some man's name.  Sorry...I'm being an opinionated bitch...I can be that sometimes...But keep your uterus! And your ovaries!

I just learned today that my college roommate's husband died of pancreatic cancer.  We haven't been close in years, but it still affected me. I feel like death is moving in and surrounding me. So many people are leaving right now. It is overwhelming...I am sorry you are feeling the loss of your friend, but I am also so happy that you can feel, and that you have people in your life who are worth mourning.

I had a dream last night. I wanted to make sure I remembered it. I think I have...I was walking along the street we lived on the year S#4 was born.  I was with my oldest granddaughter, who is almost 13, and she was asking questions about our childhood.  I remembered that we were living in the same town as Aunt MJ when we found out Dad was being stationed at a new base, there were no quarters available on the post, and so we had to live in a nearby town.  Dad found the house, and told us there was a balcony. I was enchanted, and had Romeo and Juliet visions in my head...a lovely balcony overlooking a well kept garden...lots of flowers and blue skies. Imagine my dismay when we moved into a house that was only 4 or 5 feet from the next house. There was just a sidewalk separating us, and a long narrow yard in the back.

So last night, in my dream, I was walking past the house, talking about the neighbors on either side. We turned into the walkway between us and the older couple - Walt and Mable.  As we stepped in between the houses, a door flew open on their house.  My granddaughter asked if that was ever there before, and I said no. This was new, there was something stored in there. As I walked back to our back door, which was along that walk, another door flew open, a door that was not there. A secret door on our house too.

I felt shocked.

I woke up and tried to remember the layout of that house.  It took awhile.  I finally remembered it was really two apartments, one up, one down.  You and I shared a room, with a sink - the upstairs kitchen. The boys had the room with the balcony, more of an enclosed sun-porch with no access to the sun. And that is where the shocking table was.  Remember?

But I was thinking about Walt. He had a workshop at the back of his yard.  The walls were covered with Playboy centerfolds. I remember being invited in a few times and feeling uncomfortable. I was wondering if he molested our brothers, or even us...I don't remember...but I was suddenly wondering if that was what sparked the worst of the molestation upon you girls by your brothers just after we left there.

The secret door was what started that thought process.

I wondered about Dad's family...did the abuse really happen? Then I remembered Uncle B and his daughter...and yeah, there was a lot of sexual abuse in Dad's family...it was real. And I still think he assaulted at least some of us as infants.

So we continue to struggle to find the roots of the pain...

Love and hugs from Clare