Snow day

Hi Maggie,

I am all snowed in up here on the hill.  Yesterday was magical. It was perfectly still, perfectly silent.  The sky seemed close and the snow just kept falling, and piling up. And I cruelly forced little dogs to go outside every few hours to do their business.

Everyone was out getting provisions.  I asked my daughter to bring me flour. I figured if I am going to be shut in, I am going to bake.

Last weekend though, before the snow hit the fan, my youngest and I went to the spa. She treats me to this once a year.  Last year was my first ever experience.  I noticed I had a lot of tension in my jaw and in my hands as I forced myself to submit to a massage.

This year I had a facial first.  She really massaged my face, keeping me from tightening my jaw.  Then I had a massage and ananda, where she poured warm oil on my scalp and massaged my head, neck, shoulders, hands - after having put castor oil and heated towels on my feet.

As she was massaging my lower legs, the part I don't fully inhabit, I realize I am not fully comfortable being taken care of.  I don't think I deserve this. This probably resounds through my whole life.  This is just another face of I am not worthy.

And I can see it through the rest of my life...all the things I don't allow myself to have.

I wonder how I get passed this...???

I also noticed that I chatted it up with my therapist a lot.  I compared notes with my daughter and she said she does not want to talk when getting a massage. She wants complete silence so she can just let go and relax.  I think I engaged because, well, first, politically we were very close in opinion, and that is always nice.  But secondly, and probably most importantly, if I am going to allow a stranger to touch me, allow myself to be that vulnerable, I want to know where they are at all times.

I've got along way to go to get to healthy!

Sending love and hugs across the snowy miles,

Clare