breath

Clare,

Sometimes I want to run away...
my youngest is grounded...
again.
He hosted a party while we were away...
left the basement a mess...
and he's mad at us for 'ruining his life'.
His strategy is to make us as miserable as possible while he's stuck home.
He succeeds at that...
and then some.
I want to run away.

I'm glad that S#3 found a place that she likes. I hope that it works for her. She needs a fresh start...
my biggest fear is that she is moving, but taking her stress along with her. I know that she loves her children and grandchildren, but she is overwhelmed when I see her. I don't know what the correct arrangement is for them, but I worry about her health with persistent stress.

I am also having the night hot flashes/sweats you wrote about. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I am up and down, covers on and off, changing into light bed clothes, then throwing a sweatshirt on once it passes because I am freezing. I've also began having some nausea with the daytime stuff...I am so ready to be done!

I don't really want to be menopausal. I like the fact that I still have decent skin, hair, energy, metabolism. I like having estrogen in my system. But, I am ready to make the transition if that is what is next for me. Transitions are tough, but they are opportunities.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a new gynecologist. I don't like changing doctors, but the woman I've been seeing for 25 years wants to harvest all of my female organs...
every time I see her she's offering me surgery.
I don't really think I need everything removed...
my body isn't the enemy...
it's all in there for a reason.
Wish me luck.

I went to Meeting this morning.
It hit me...
hard...
my friend is no longer riding with me.
I no longer have access to her wisdom and wit.
Her stories that taught me so much about the human side of history...
and the peace movement...
and love...
and disappointment in family.
I will miss my F/friend so very much.

As I sat in meeting I thought of breath...
Breath that SIL fought for...
her whole body did nothing but struggle to breathe 2 weekends ago.
Breath that my F/friend was short of the last 4 times I spent time with her...
but she knew that if I took her to the doctor they would treat her and prolong her days. She was ready to give up breathing to join her beloved on the other side.
Breath that takes me deeper and stiller into my center.
Breath that I use to calm or awaken my system when I need it most.
Ruah- the holy breath of the Divine- Holy Spirit perhaps- allowing inspiration...
spirit within us- inspiration.
Divine inspiration- pulling Gus close, nurturing, warming...
Divine expiration- sending us out to the world to live and be.
Breath...
like Light is complex and profound.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie