simple?

Hi Maggie,

I think we do have to worry about each other.  Sitting back and saying it is none of my business is how our family got this way.  The problem is that we don't know how to step in and advise each other.  There has to be a healthy, loving, somewhat nonintrusive way, but I'll be damned if I know what it is.  I can't think of any role models in any part of our family.

Again - I want to see that 4%...those families that function.

I'm not sure if I can help her think it through. I am excited about having a playmate, and so my advice will probably be self-serving.  I know the basis is that her son is happy here, and so her daughter wants to follow him. And if her kids are going, so is she. We have talked about home, and she has said she doesn't have a sense of home anywhere.

I do. I have that sense here, and so I am grateful that my children feel it also.

Your oldest is almost 25. My baby will be 26 in 3 months. I have a hard time, sometimes, when I stop and realize how much time has passed...

I remember that dinner. You sounded so stressed on the phone, I rallied my ex and we all set off on a rescue mission. As I  remember, my oldest was trying to get the cherry from the bottom of her drink!  And you are welcome. It was nice being close to each other. I saw more of you then than anytime since.

My baby's baby had tubes put in her ears today.  Knowing there was going to be surgery today meant I didn't sleep well last night. I was doing that drowsing half worry/half prayer thing, which is not a restful thing.  But she did well. She reportedly woke up and said her ears felt better, then she cried and asked for her cousin.

So I have a male friend is Europe. We have been friends since more than four years ago.  We go through periods when we talk frequently, then periods where we don't have much contact at all.  Since last summer, we have been in fairly regular contact.  He is coming to visit in July.

I was trying to explain some of my ideas about pain and using either addiction to numb, or lashing out as release.  I was trying to explain why counseling is necessary sometimes - something to change patterns.

He said that from another country it looks like we are spoiled. That so many people  work so hard to provide shelter and food, there don't worry about quality of relationships. He pointed out grandparents making the best of it, being practical, and just living.

I was thinking about lifestyle. Yes, things may not be life or death here, and we joke about first world problems. But that doesn't mean we aren't suffering.

I became extremely emotional, but did not weep, and said that Al Anon was free, I wasn't wasting excess money on therapy, and that it saved my life. It changed me and made me a better parent. I wasn't being selfish and self centered by working through my pain.

Our grandmothers both made the best of alcoholic husbands. One died young, after years of taking care of her kids, and just a few last years of what looked like a happy marriage.  The other spent her life telling people how horrible marriage was and listening to her partner tell people marrying her was the biggest mistake he ever made.  The first let her husband drink, and picked up all of the slack...everything. The second rammed down hard and forced him to conform to what he presented himself to be.

Was anyone happy? Someone in that generation started AA. We needed it.

I don't know. To me it looks so simple. Someone causes pain. The pain is stored and affects us until we look at it, face it and let it go.

You know?

Love and hugs from Clare