patterns

Hi Maggie,

I am thinking it is time to listen to Brene again. I know she talks about courage, about being whole hearted.  I haven't seen it for a long time. I wonder if it will still make me cry.

So am I courageous because I get up every morning, go forward, do what I have to do?  That seems like strength.  I can do that.

Strong might be a prerequisite for courageous...

I have an inkling I am being called to be courageous.

I read an article recently, when we were in the rash of deaths, that said after a death everyone rushes in, tries to help, tries to comfort. But it is after all of the settling of affairs are finished, and life becomes quiet and ordinary,  that those who are grieving need us.  I was thinking that about both Mom and B#1.

S#3 suggested I email Mom and set a date to Skype. I tried to get through one day when it said she was on, but she didn't answer.

I have not been invited to the upcoming wedding.  S#3said she did not receive an invitation either. She called the bride and said she would not be hurt if she was not invited, but she wasn't sure, and needed to know if she needed to respond.  She was told of course she is invited, but some of the invitations slipped through the cracks...I thought maybe the Mason-Dixon line was the border, and they were refraining from inviting family that lives far away.

I have a weird history with this. B#1 sent me an email just after his first was married, saying he had sent me an invitation, but it went to an old address, and it was returned.  I remember laughing to myself, thinking - you have my email address!  I had just watched a Seinfeld episode, making fun of the unvitation. I wasn't insulted, because I don't think I could have afforded to go.

Then when my son was married, he didn't want to invite B#1. Apparently he believed his uncle every time he called him a little shithead.  He didn't feel loved or connected. He felt insulted, and didn't want to invite him.  His older sister was unhappy, saying family has to be invited.  I remember you, his beloved godmother, cast the deciding vote - "It's his wedding. He gets to invite who he wants." We got a social media note from B#1 saying he was sorry to miss it.

I sent B#1 a card just after his wife died. It just came back. Apparently I have an old address.

There seems to be a family pattern here - no one knows where the hell anyone else is!!!

And so, I wonder if we are setting up a pattern of cutting each other out.

We are getting older.  It is noticeable and a little frightening. I have been going through the post menopausal thinning and drying of the hair. I do not like this!  Get your body checked. If you feel nervous, get checked so you can relax.

And we need to go to the spiritualist village next summer. Niece and I plan to go.  Maybe we need to take a whole flock of Dad's offspring to draw his attention...

Sending love and hugs,

Clare