Hi Maggie,
I love dreams.
I read this post three times. The first time, I thought that's us, that is our family. Then I thought about it off and on while I was working.
I read it again after work. And I thought, we feel alone. We feel like we are broken and empty and alone, like we have abandoned, been abandoned by clan. But we are not that special. What we have been through is similar to what so many have endured. We are all wounded and isolated. I think maybe that is why it is so easy to descend into virtual reality, and cut all contact, even though it is contact that will heal us. So then I was thinking, this is about us all...the state of our current civilization...all over the whole world.
Then I read it again, just before I began to respond. And this time, the thought that blasted into my mind is - invite the ancestors. Consciously invite the ancestors to come in and rebuild a safe and warm spot for us all...so that maybe we can become family again. Or at least we can begin to figure it out...
I think they are here. around us. I think Dad is kind of with them. I think we are closer and more able to work together. I think it might be our best hope.
I just saw a video of the wildlife dying at sea. It said first it was whales, and I saw lines of beached whales. Then it said next were the squid. And it showed acres of dead squid. And last it showed sardines. The water, the beach was carpeted with dead sardines.
The planet is going through a mass extinction. The planet won't die, but we will. Only love and Light can change things, even a little.
And we are all, again, diving into virtual reality, so we don't have to witness the pain everywhere...
So heal. Follow any lead given us. Fix that department store so we have choices again. Call in the ancestors who are connected to a time when the planet was healthier - not that our family was...
The grass is greening...I am getting the urge to garden. Something in my soul obviously remains hopeful, and believes in life and love and light!!
Sending love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
dreams
Clare,
I had a dream 2 nights ago...when I woke up from it I realized I've had it many times...
in different variations...
before.
It's not a house/soul dream...
but it's bigger.
It is set in a grey, cold city...
everything is black and white and gray.
As I remember the first dream I walked through the tattered, broken remains of an old department store...
I somehow knew it used to be a department store.
It was deserted.
It was cold because all of the glass windows were gone.
I walked out onto the streets and wandered the streets...
totally alone...
the streets reminded me of Erie in the winter.
I got lost and could not find my way back to the building that was the department store.
In this more recent dream I walked onto the department store floor and found wooden walls, partitioning off rooms, with doors...
not good, solid doors...
but there was some space and privacy. I opened one of the doors and several people ran away.
Squatters were in there.
As I walked around it was still void of warmth, but not cold as it was before. I walked out onto a balcony and many people were there hanging out, playing...
but there was a construction crew trying to put up a fence and fix the outer railing...
I started to chase the people who were enjoying themselves away...
"get out of here"...
"it's not safe"...
"we're trying to work"
I was angry- I felt like Papa when he was in a bad mood and wanted everyone else to feel that negative energy.
As I worked my way around the balcony I mellowed...
My message changed to " give us time to repair this"...
" come back when it is complete".
And soon I realized...
with a great sense of Lightness...
the energy for the work came from the play of those people.
Their exuberance and joy fueled the healing and repair of that building.
I've asked to return to that place in my dreams for the past two nights.
I don't remember going there.
I love the message.
I wonder if the large building is more about a collective...
like family soul...
rather than my own.
I've had my own soul dreams before and the house is usually small and elongated. A friend's mom is usually there too for some reason.
I'm fascinated.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I had a dream 2 nights ago...when I woke up from it I realized I've had it many times...
in different variations...
before.
It's not a house/soul dream...
but it's bigger.
It is set in a grey, cold city...
everything is black and white and gray.
As I remember the first dream I walked through the tattered, broken remains of an old department store...
I somehow knew it used to be a department store.
It was deserted.
It was cold because all of the glass windows were gone.
I walked out onto the streets and wandered the streets...
totally alone...
the streets reminded me of Erie in the winter.
I got lost and could not find my way back to the building that was the department store.
In this more recent dream I walked onto the department store floor and found wooden walls, partitioning off rooms, with doors...
not good, solid doors...
but there was some space and privacy. I opened one of the doors and several people ran away.
Squatters were in there.
As I walked around it was still void of warmth, but not cold as it was before. I walked out onto a balcony and many people were there hanging out, playing...
but there was a construction crew trying to put up a fence and fix the outer railing...
I started to chase the people who were enjoying themselves away...
"get out of here"...
"it's not safe"...
"we're trying to work"
I was angry- I felt like Papa when he was in a bad mood and wanted everyone else to feel that negative energy.
As I worked my way around the balcony I mellowed...
My message changed to " give us time to repair this"...
" come back when it is complete".
And soon I realized...
with a great sense of Lightness...
the energy for the work came from the play of those people.
Their exuberance and joy fueled the healing and repair of that building.
I've asked to return to that place in my dreams for the past two nights.
I don't remember going there.
I love the message.
I wonder if the large building is more about a collective...
like family soul...
rather than my own.
I've had my own soul dreams before and the house is usually small and elongated. A friend's mom is usually there too for some reason.
I'm fascinated.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, March 26, 2017
healing?
Hi Maggie,
I have had a weekend full of lovely grandchildren. I usually only have them for one night, but this weekend, I had three on Friday night, two last night. I enjoy their company a lot, and I want them to remember me with love and fun thoughts.
So I didn't have time here, and now I am tired!!
With B#2, he abused you. He stole, he sexualized, he used...I think it's good that you are just ambivalent and not hate-filled. Although, considering that thought, I am not sure. Sometimes I think I-don't-give-a-damn and you-don't-even-exist are beyond love and hate, joy and anger. Being not worthy of anything, of any notice or attention or emotion, it is the bottom. But he did all of those things because he was abused...
I have a feeling he is mine. I wrote him a note, and one of the grandnieces ripped it open. So I have been trying to remember to get a new card, so I would have an envelope to try again. And then, no one knows his address, even though he is across the street from B#4.
He is just one more solitary bubble of hate and fear and loneliness, hiding from what happened to him, hiding from what he has done...and there is a froth of this, a lather of this, choking the world...
I have been having my strange thoughts in the night again. I was thinking about Fukushima, knowing that it is still happening...after 6 years, radioactive water is still pouring into the Pacific Ocean. All life in that ocean in radioactive now. And I was talking to my oldest about the devastation we have wrought with the use of pesticides. We can't retrieve all of this poison we have dumped into, onto, around the planet. And she was talking to an authority who believes the ice will all be melted within 20 years. I was thinking about myself, I plan to be here in 20 years. My kids...My grandkids...I had this middle-of-the-night breakdown, overwhelmed by despair.
What do we do? What can we do?
And I thought of the Light. I thought of the Light shining on all of those who wreak devastation, yet stay in the shadow. I was thinking about the CEO of Monsanto, who eats only organic foods. I was thinking of people who engage in dog fights, of people who are sexual with children, people who kill, rape, devastate. I was thinking about the Light gently shining on them, exposing them.
I was thinking about this being our family, especially Dad's line. I asked Dad to fix it. I asked Pop, his dad, to fix it. And they started removing metal filings from the generation younger than them...healing their sons. And where the shard was, Light flowed in.
And then I saw Grammy and Grandma. They were with me, they were together, and they came to help me. They greeted me and kissed me. I felt loved. And they said they were going to work on my first and second chakras - my feet and knees. And so Dad and Pop and Grampa Smoke were there. (I am probably the only grandchild who has visceral memories of Smoke...I was three when he died.) Three men, I knew I needed three women, to make this of the heart. I thought of a dear old friend who passed about two years ago. But she was more of the grandmother's generations. And then, to my surprise, my mother-in-law came through.
So, three and three...work of the heart. They cleared my feet up to my knees and sent Light through.
I was thinking about the ways I hurt my kids, And so my kids lined up before me, with lines through my heart and into their pain. Behind me were the six who have passed, the ancestors who are now helping...holding the other end of the lines. (It seemed like a traditional sundance...) And they pulled my kids' pain through my heart, clearing my heart as it all exited out my back.
And they filled us all with Light...
Too weird.
I never know how to interpret these experiences. I only know something healing is happening. And the way out is going to include our ancestors.
Ask your Reiki healer if I am nuts or interpreting correctly, please. I think I would believe either verdict!!
So, how are you???
Love and hugs from Clare
I have had a weekend full of lovely grandchildren. I usually only have them for one night, but this weekend, I had three on Friday night, two last night. I enjoy their company a lot, and I want them to remember me with love and fun thoughts.
So I didn't have time here, and now I am tired!!
With B#2, he abused you. He stole, he sexualized, he used...I think it's good that you are just ambivalent and not hate-filled. Although, considering that thought, I am not sure. Sometimes I think I-don't-give-a-damn and you-don't-even-exist are beyond love and hate, joy and anger. Being not worthy of anything, of any notice or attention or emotion, it is the bottom. But he did all of those things because he was abused...
I have a feeling he is mine. I wrote him a note, and one of the grandnieces ripped it open. So I have been trying to remember to get a new card, so I would have an envelope to try again. And then, no one knows his address, even though he is across the street from B#4.
He is just one more solitary bubble of hate and fear and loneliness, hiding from what happened to him, hiding from what he has done...and there is a froth of this, a lather of this, choking the world...
I have been having my strange thoughts in the night again. I was thinking about Fukushima, knowing that it is still happening...after 6 years, radioactive water is still pouring into the Pacific Ocean. All life in that ocean in radioactive now. And I was talking to my oldest about the devastation we have wrought with the use of pesticides. We can't retrieve all of this poison we have dumped into, onto, around the planet. And she was talking to an authority who believes the ice will all be melted within 20 years. I was thinking about myself, I plan to be here in 20 years. My kids...My grandkids...I had this middle-of-the-night breakdown, overwhelmed by despair.
What do we do? What can we do?
And I thought of the Light. I thought of the Light shining on all of those who wreak devastation, yet stay in the shadow. I was thinking about the CEO of Monsanto, who eats only organic foods. I was thinking of people who engage in dog fights, of people who are sexual with children, people who kill, rape, devastate. I was thinking about the Light gently shining on them, exposing them.
I was thinking about this being our family, especially Dad's line. I asked Dad to fix it. I asked Pop, his dad, to fix it. And they started removing metal filings from the generation younger than them...healing their sons. And where the shard was, Light flowed in.
And then I saw Grammy and Grandma. They were with me, they were together, and they came to help me. They greeted me and kissed me. I felt loved. And they said they were going to work on my first and second chakras - my feet and knees. And so Dad and Pop and Grampa Smoke were there. (I am probably the only grandchild who has visceral memories of Smoke...I was three when he died.) Three men, I knew I needed three women, to make this of the heart. I thought of a dear old friend who passed about two years ago. But she was more of the grandmother's generations. And then, to my surprise, my mother-in-law came through.
So, three and three...work of the heart. They cleared my feet up to my knees and sent Light through.
I was thinking about the ways I hurt my kids, And so my kids lined up before me, with lines through my heart and into their pain. Behind me were the six who have passed, the ancestors who are now helping...holding the other end of the lines. (It seemed like a traditional sundance...) And they pulled my kids' pain through my heart, clearing my heart as it all exited out my back.
And they filled us all with Light...
Too weird.
I never know how to interpret these experiences. I only know something healing is happening. And the way out is going to include our ancestors.
Ask your Reiki healer if I am nuts or interpreting correctly, please. I think I would believe either verdict!!
So, how are you???
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, March 23, 2017
just space
Clare,
It will be good to gather in May...
once again coming together.
I wish B#2 would relinquish his pride, anger, shame, and pain...
and join us...
even for one day.
Any word of him from his ex?
A friend of mine lost a sister to suicide in February. She is struggling with guilt. It was a rocky several years for that family. She feels someone should have been able to prevent the suicide. But, in the end the shame and pain won out.
I wonder if and when we will hear that B#2 has killed himself. It's sounds cold and morbid to say that, but it is in my heart and mind. When I speak with my friend I wonder, How will I react to that news? I remember clearly when I got the call about his attempt in CA. I was at my internship, with a guidance counselor at an elementary school and I believe I got a text or a phone call- maybe both. I cannot remember who it was from. I remember having the wind sucked out of me. My heart hurt for his loneliness...
but I've done nothing since then to change that.
I don't feel called, or led, to that action.
Why is that beyond my scope of compassion?
What karma are we working through here?
It's fascinating, from a clinical standpoint, because I feel led to save everyone...
animal, trees, most living things are one my radar to save...
it's my Joan of Arc archetype playing through, because I sacrifice my own well being to save others...
it's all about the 'greater good'.
And yet, with B#2, no leading.
There's no anger or animosity...
just space.
I am making a concerted effort to hydrate, exercise and avoid sugar...
I feel a bit better this week. My habits have been very poor since the holidays...
perpetuated by stress and travel.
It's time to reclaim my health.
Just in time for Spring...
it's 30 here, but still very cold compared with the almost 60 degrees of a few days ago. Freezing rain is forecast for the morning...hopefully the last bit of winter until Christmas.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It will be good to gather in May...
once again coming together.
I wish B#2 would relinquish his pride, anger, shame, and pain...
and join us...
even for one day.
Any word of him from his ex?
A friend of mine lost a sister to suicide in February. She is struggling with guilt. It was a rocky several years for that family. She feels someone should have been able to prevent the suicide. But, in the end the shame and pain won out.
I wonder if and when we will hear that B#2 has killed himself. It's sounds cold and morbid to say that, but it is in my heart and mind. When I speak with my friend I wonder, How will I react to that news? I remember clearly when I got the call about his attempt in CA. I was at my internship, with a guidance counselor at an elementary school and I believe I got a text or a phone call- maybe both. I cannot remember who it was from. I remember having the wind sucked out of me. My heart hurt for his loneliness...
but I've done nothing since then to change that.
I don't feel called, or led, to that action.
Why is that beyond my scope of compassion?
What karma are we working through here?
It's fascinating, from a clinical standpoint, because I feel led to save everyone...
animal, trees, most living things are one my radar to save...
it's my Joan of Arc archetype playing through, because I sacrifice my own well being to save others...
it's all about the 'greater good'.
And yet, with B#2, no leading.
There's no anger or animosity...
just space.
I am making a concerted effort to hydrate, exercise and avoid sugar...
I feel a bit better this week. My habits have been very poor since the holidays...
perpetuated by stress and travel.
It's time to reclaim my health.
Just in time for Spring...
it's 30 here, but still very cold compared with the almost 60 degrees of a few days ago. Freezing rain is forecast for the morning...hopefully the last bit of winter until Christmas.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
wake
But, Maggie,
If we climb out of the swamp, we will be naked. We won't have anything to hide in anymore!
I suppose that is part of the courage I am seeking, or eluding - depending on the day.
It is a spiritualist village. And we're on...a whole bunch of us!
We were jovial at the funeral. But there were tears, too. We ran the gamut of emotion. And it was appropriate. It was human. It was humane. It was Irish. A wake is a celebration of a life. To celebrate, you need all emotions. We did that well.
We knew he was going to die. We knew he was starting to feel weak and in pain much of the time. He made it as long as he could with a decent quality of life. If he would have lived longer, it would have been more and more painful. He got out good!!
But we were also relieved because the pain weighing us down from that side of the family lifted. Fear of his anger controlled me. His withheld acceptance and love influenced me, drove me. In the end, it drove me away - that is how I found peace. But it drove me.
Secrets silenced us, and though we are not talking, not sharing now, we are freer.
I think there is always a sense of joy at a funeral, down deep, maybe; but it is there. It's like a birth in reverse. He is free. He is somewhere new. He has learned the great secret - what is on the other side? But also we are jovial, because we brushed death, by being related to someone who passed. It touched us. But it wasn't our turn, it didn't take us.
Today is a hard day. It is a day, when looking out the window, promises spring. But upon walking out the door, you are whipped with cold winds. Betrayal. Betrayal at 14 degrees!!
I am garden dreaming...
Gotta start tracking down my kids. Mama wants a headcount of who is coming in May...
Love and hugs from Clare
If we climb out of the swamp, we will be naked. We won't have anything to hide in anymore!
I suppose that is part of the courage I am seeking, or eluding - depending on the day.
It is a spiritualist village. And we're on...a whole bunch of us!
We were jovial at the funeral. But there were tears, too. We ran the gamut of emotion. And it was appropriate. It was human. It was humane. It was Irish. A wake is a celebration of a life. To celebrate, you need all emotions. We did that well.
We knew he was going to die. We knew he was starting to feel weak and in pain much of the time. He made it as long as he could with a decent quality of life. If he would have lived longer, it would have been more and more painful. He got out good!!
But we were also relieved because the pain weighing us down from that side of the family lifted. Fear of his anger controlled me. His withheld acceptance and love influenced me, drove me. In the end, it drove me away - that is how I found peace. But it drove me.
Secrets silenced us, and though we are not talking, not sharing now, we are freer.
I think there is always a sense of joy at a funeral, down deep, maybe; but it is there. It's like a birth in reverse. He is free. He is somewhere new. He has learned the great secret - what is on the other side? But also we are jovial, because we brushed death, by being related to someone who passed. It touched us. But it wasn't our turn, it didn't take us.
Today is a hard day. It is a day, when looking out the window, promises spring. But upon walking out the door, you are whipped with cold winds. Betrayal. Betrayal at 14 degrees!!
I am garden dreaming...
Gotta start tracking down my kids. Mama wants a headcount of who is coming in May...
Love and hugs from Clare
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
tenacious
Clare,
I find the old patterns to be very thick and tenacious...
trying to get out of them reminds me of your tar covered baby...
or slogging through the swamp.
Perhaps it is time to step out of the swamp onto dry land...
But the slope out is steep and slippery...
I'd love to go to the mystical village- or whatever you called it.
I wonder if I /we am/are working through my karma from past lives. It feels like that with my boys...
both have had challenging personalities since they were born. Perhaps my place is standing strong in the middle...
like the tree I once reportedly was.
I have a bracelet that I wear every day with a tree of life on it...
I love it.
It's funny to imagine a soul as a tree for 100 years...
silently observing whatever happens around it.
Drawing other beings to it, but not by word or movement.
I enjoy watching others...
People watching is one of my favorite pastimes.
You are right about the quiet time after the funeral...
when things appear to return to normal...
and yet nothing is normal.
I have a friend, her sister committed suicide in early February...
she is struggling with guilt and sadness.
I should reach out to B#1 to see how he's holding up.
His daughter say they are looking forward to the April wedding to gather for a happy occasion.
I am too.
Although we, our siblings, were weirdly jovial after the funeral. No one was drunk, but we laughed and told stories. It seems irreverent looking back now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I find the old patterns to be very thick and tenacious...
trying to get out of them reminds me of your tar covered baby...
or slogging through the swamp.
Perhaps it is time to step out of the swamp onto dry land...
But the slope out is steep and slippery...
I'd love to go to the mystical village- or whatever you called it.
I wonder if I /we am/are working through my karma from past lives. It feels like that with my boys...
both have had challenging personalities since they were born. Perhaps my place is standing strong in the middle...
like the tree I once reportedly was.
I have a bracelet that I wear every day with a tree of life on it...
I love it.
It's funny to imagine a soul as a tree for 100 years...
silently observing whatever happens around it.
Drawing other beings to it, but not by word or movement.
I enjoy watching others...
People watching is one of my favorite pastimes.
You are right about the quiet time after the funeral...
when things appear to return to normal...
and yet nothing is normal.
I have a friend, her sister committed suicide in early February...
she is struggling with guilt and sadness.
I should reach out to B#1 to see how he's holding up.
His daughter say they are looking forward to the April wedding to gather for a happy occasion.
I am too.
Although we, our siblings, were weirdly jovial after the funeral. No one was drunk, but we laughed and told stories. It seems irreverent looking back now.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, March 20, 2017
patterns
Hi Maggie,
I am thinking it is time to listen to Brene again. I know she talks about courage, about being whole hearted. I haven't seen it for a long time. I wonder if it will still make me cry.
So am I courageous because I get up every morning, go forward, do what I have to do? That seems like strength. I can do that.
Strong might be a prerequisite for courageous...
I have an inkling I am being called to be courageous.
I read an article recently, when we were in the rash of deaths, that said after a death everyone rushes in, tries to help, tries to comfort. But it is after all of the settling of affairs are finished, and life becomes quiet and ordinary, that those who are grieving need us. I was thinking that about both Mom and B#1.
S#3 suggested I email Mom and set a date to Skype. I tried to get through one day when it said she was on, but she didn't answer.
I have not been invited to the upcoming wedding. S#3said she did not receive an invitation either. She called the bride and said she would not be hurt if she was not invited, but she wasn't sure, and needed to know if she needed to respond. She was told of course she is invited, but some of the invitations slipped through the cracks...I thought maybe the Mason-Dixon line was the border, and they were refraining from inviting family that lives far away.
I have a weird history with this. B#1 sent me an email just after his first was married, saying he had sent me an invitation, but it went to an old address, and it was returned. I remember laughing to myself, thinking - you have my email address! I had just watched a Seinfeld episode, making fun of the unvitation. I wasn't insulted, because I don't think I could have afforded to go.
Then when my son was married, he didn't want to invite B#1. Apparently he believed his uncle every time he called him a little shithead. He didn't feel loved or connected. He felt insulted, and didn't want to invite him. His older sister was unhappy, saying family has to be invited. I remember you, his beloved godmother, cast the deciding vote - "It's his wedding. He gets to invite who he wants." We got a social media note from B#1 saying he was sorry to miss it.
I sent B#1 a card just after his wife died. It just came back. Apparently I have an old address.
There seems to be a family pattern here - no one knows where the hell anyone else is!!!
And so, I wonder if we are setting up a pattern of cutting each other out.
We are getting older. It is noticeable and a little frightening. I have been going through the post menopausal thinning and drying of the hair. I do not like this! Get your body checked. If you feel nervous, get checked so you can relax.
And we need to go to the spiritualist village next summer. Niece and I plan to go. Maybe we need to take a whole flock of Dad's offspring to draw his attention...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
I am thinking it is time to listen to Brene again. I know she talks about courage, about being whole hearted. I haven't seen it for a long time. I wonder if it will still make me cry.
So am I courageous because I get up every morning, go forward, do what I have to do? That seems like strength. I can do that.
Strong might be a prerequisite for courageous...
I have an inkling I am being called to be courageous.
I read an article recently, when we were in the rash of deaths, that said after a death everyone rushes in, tries to help, tries to comfort. But it is after all of the settling of affairs are finished, and life becomes quiet and ordinary, that those who are grieving need us. I was thinking that about both Mom and B#1.
S#3 suggested I email Mom and set a date to Skype. I tried to get through one day when it said she was on, but she didn't answer.
I have not been invited to the upcoming wedding. S#3said she did not receive an invitation either. She called the bride and said she would not be hurt if she was not invited, but she wasn't sure, and needed to know if she needed to respond. She was told of course she is invited, but some of the invitations slipped through the cracks...I thought maybe the Mason-Dixon line was the border, and they were refraining from inviting family that lives far away.
I have a weird history with this. B#1 sent me an email just after his first was married, saying he had sent me an invitation, but it went to an old address, and it was returned. I remember laughing to myself, thinking - you have my email address! I had just watched a Seinfeld episode, making fun of the unvitation. I wasn't insulted, because I don't think I could have afforded to go.
Then when my son was married, he didn't want to invite B#1. Apparently he believed his uncle every time he called him a little shithead. He didn't feel loved or connected. He felt insulted, and didn't want to invite him. His older sister was unhappy, saying family has to be invited. I remember you, his beloved godmother, cast the deciding vote - "It's his wedding. He gets to invite who he wants." We got a social media note from B#1 saying he was sorry to miss it.
I sent B#1 a card just after his wife died. It just came back. Apparently I have an old address.
There seems to be a family pattern here - no one knows where the hell anyone else is!!!
And so, I wonder if we are setting up a pattern of cutting each other out.
We are getting older. It is noticeable and a little frightening. I have been going through the post menopausal thinning and drying of the hair. I do not like this! Get your body checked. If you feel nervous, get checked so you can relax.
And we need to go to the spiritualist village next summer. Niece and I plan to go. Maybe we need to take a whole flock of Dad's offspring to draw his attention...
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
persistent
Clare,
I do feel your tremendous strength...
but perhaps that courage is found in the persistent moving from day to day.
I have a wall decal in my bathroom that reads:
I do feel your tremendous strength...
but perhaps that courage is found in the persistent moving from day to day.
I have a wall decal in my bathroom that reads:
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher
I find myself looking at that quote, backwards through the mirror, first thing in the morning...
"I am trying", I tell myself. I put it on the wall prior to my young man coming to live with us...
assuming he needed that message in his bathroom.
Now I see that I need to be reminded each day.
Outright, roaring courage happens when it is necessary. But most days it is about courageous persistence.
I had a call from S#5 on Saturday, she is worried about Mamma D.
She is spending a lot of time in her room, not eating much, not wanting to talk or interact like usual. S#5 asked her to see a doctor and consider talking to someone about her losses. I think Mamma is going to allow her to set up an appointment and follow through. We have all been through a lot this year.
I'm tired. My body feels 10 years older than it did last fall. I think that this is the 'season' of life that we are in. I worry about my own health now. Every pain reminds me that cancer may be lurking somewhere. I have pain in my right chest area- under the implant. My surgeon thinks its a neuroma- a tangle of nerves. Of course, I think it's a local recurrence. Minds are very creative when they are feeling less than ordinary. Minds are very creative when they have something to 'springboard' from. My springboard is very springy right now.
Are you going to the southern wedding in April? I think husband and I are going down. We both need to get away for something lighthearted.
I've been texting with B#1's 2 middle daughters about basketball. They seem to be doing OK. I hope they reach out if they feel like they need help or support.
I watched Long Island Medium for the first time yesterday. I was too tired to actually get work done so I vegged in front of the TV. I was crying for the people receiving messages through the medium. Many got the answers that they were hoping for...a few got the answers they really needed.
I was wondering if I connected with Papa- through a medium- if I could ask him if this past lifetime with our relationship was a success. Neither of us killed the other during this life- that's a step in the right direction. But I wonder if we did it well enough to release the karma- learn the lessons- and move into a higher place. I should ask my reiki friend if she can connect us. I know she connects with her deceased husband periodically. I'm not sure why this is important to me, but it is a persistent question in my mind.
There's that word again- persistent...
it must be my word for the day.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Courage
Hi Maggie,
Animals symbolize the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself. Thus, to dream that you are fighting with an animal signifies a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back into your subconscious.
To see your own nose in your dream signifies a conscious effort to achieve whatever endeavor you chose to undertake. The nose represents energy, intuition, and wisdom. The dream may suggest your need to learn more about a situation at hand.
To dream that you have or get a black eye indicates unresolved conflict.
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/
Good call noticing that I had one domesticated, tame animal with me, and one wild animal. Apparently I am struggling with a hidden part of myself. But also there is a duality of tamed/untamed.
A swollen nose, in Chinese facial diagnosis means your heart is in bad shape. Or actually, the first words I thought were: your heart is at risk.
Just thought to look for bed, as an image:
To see your bed in your dream represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape.
I have been vividly aware of duality lately. I watch videos of animal rescues, and am relieved at the good outcomes, and appreciate people who are heroic. But then I stop and remember, animals are hurting because of human mistreatment or at least human ignorance. And I think maybe we are half and half...half of us are mean or just ignorant. Half of us stop to help. Half of us have open hearts.
Now that I am specifically thinking about it, other examples escape me. But duality is in my awareness a lot each day.
Then there was another point...maybe rather than duality, we have moments, or lifetimes, of half-done.
I found a "poem":
The Difference Between Strength and Courage
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
(https://findyourmiddleground.com/2015/05/07/whats-the-difference-between-strength-and-courage/)
Are strength and courage a duality? Maybe, sorta, but not quite.
But I find that I am an incredibly strong woman. Maybe a little bit courageous, but not enough.
These words hit me hard, and trusting synchronicity, I think they speak to what I'm being called to do - to be courageous.
We'll see how that pans out...
Thoughtful love and hugs from Clare
Animals symbolize the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself. Thus, to dream that you are fighting with an animal signifies a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back into your subconscious.
To see your own nose in your dream signifies a conscious effort to achieve whatever endeavor you chose to undertake. The nose represents energy, intuition, and wisdom. The dream may suggest your need to learn more about a situation at hand.
To dream that you have or get a black eye indicates unresolved conflict.
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/
Good call noticing that I had one domesticated, tame animal with me, and one wild animal. Apparently I am struggling with a hidden part of myself. But also there is a duality of tamed/untamed.
A swollen nose, in Chinese facial diagnosis means your heart is in bad shape. Or actually, the first words I thought were: your heart is at risk.
Just thought to look for bed, as an image:
To see your bed in your dream represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. If you are sleeping in your own bed, then it denotes security and restoration of your mind. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape.
I have been vividly aware of duality lately. I watch videos of animal rescues, and am relieved at the good outcomes, and appreciate people who are heroic. But then I stop and remember, animals are hurting because of human mistreatment or at least human ignorance. And I think maybe we are half and half...half of us are mean or just ignorant. Half of us stop to help. Half of us have open hearts.
Now that I am specifically thinking about it, other examples escape me. But duality is in my awareness a lot each day.
Then there was another point...maybe rather than duality, we have moments, or lifetimes, of half-done.
I found a "poem":
The Difference Between Strength and Courage
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
(https://findyourmiddleground.com/2015/05/07/whats-the-difference-between-strength-and-courage/)
Are strength and courage a duality? Maybe, sorta, but not quite.
But I find that I am an incredibly strong woman. Maybe a little bit courageous, but not enough.
These words hit me hard, and trusting synchronicity, I think they speak to what I'm being called to do - to be courageous.
We'll see how that pans out...
Thoughtful love and hugs from Clare
Friday, March 17, 2017
uncensored and seen
Clare,
The only dream symbol I can find within the dream is that black eyes symbolize unresolved conflict. I think there's something with the cat and the unnamed animal both in the bed with you.
I will think about it...it ids interesting.
I have always felt that I can accomplish my goals. I think that the beginning of that was saying "no" to B#1 that fateful night when I was 10. I still have no idea why I found the courage or voice to speak out...I think it was an angel.
I feel that if I say it out loud it has to happen.
Although I am beginning to realize that I cannot own everything.
Some of my projects are facilitated by me...
but don't belong to me...
I have to let go of the outcomes.
I cannot be focused on outcomes as a measurement of my worth.
My intentions and my commitment are more important.
When I sing my music publicly I feel as if I am naked...
my words are deep and personal.
It is a prayer of sorts...
one of my favorite images of prayer/meditation is getting naked and sinking into a tub...
immersing myself in the Divine...
singing is that for me.
I rarely sing my own music for 'public'.
Honestly, I rarely sing publicly anymore.
I told the story of flowing reiki for SIL and singing because her breathing became calm and regular...
I think I wrote to you about that....
I started to sing and she smiled...
Two of our sisters and a friend joined in...
SIL opened her eyes and asked "what are you doing?"...
or something similar.
I was telling the story to a friend yesterday and found myself simultaneously laughing and crying...
a very weird surge of emotion.
So, what do you think the dream means? What unresolved conflict are you working through? What black eyes are you showing? The face to face, forehead to forehead, is uncensored. The video of showing your true, unmasked face is uncensored. What is it about this conflict that is calling you to be uncensored and seen?
It's a challenge...
what are you being called to?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
The only dream symbol I can find within the dream is that black eyes symbolize unresolved conflict. I think there's something with the cat and the unnamed animal both in the bed with you.
I will think about it...it ids interesting.
I have always felt that I can accomplish my goals. I think that the beginning of that was saying "no" to B#1 that fateful night when I was 10. I still have no idea why I found the courage or voice to speak out...I think it was an angel.
I feel that if I say it out loud it has to happen.
Although I am beginning to realize that I cannot own everything.
Some of my projects are facilitated by me...
but don't belong to me...
I have to let go of the outcomes.
I cannot be focused on outcomes as a measurement of my worth.
My intentions and my commitment are more important.
When I sing my music publicly I feel as if I am naked...
my words are deep and personal.
It is a prayer of sorts...
one of my favorite images of prayer/meditation is getting naked and sinking into a tub...
immersing myself in the Divine...
singing is that for me.
I rarely sing my own music for 'public'.
Honestly, I rarely sing publicly anymore.
I told the story of flowing reiki for SIL and singing because her breathing became calm and regular...
I think I wrote to you about that....
I started to sing and she smiled...
Two of our sisters and a friend joined in...
SIL opened her eyes and asked "what are you doing?"...
or something similar.
I was telling the story to a friend yesterday and found myself simultaneously laughing and crying...
a very weird surge of emotion.
So, what do you think the dream means? What unresolved conflict are you working through? What black eyes are you showing? The face to face, forehead to forehead, is uncensored. The video of showing your true, unmasked face is uncensored. What is it about this conflict that is calling you to be uncensored and seen?
It's a challenge...
what are you being called to?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
crazy dream...
Hi Maggie,
I had a crazy dream, and I need some hints to help me think about what it means.
As a prelude- when we lived on the farm, and after my ex left, I invited two different friends who were going through divorces to move in at two different times. One had kids with her. She was in last night's dream.
The first thing I remember was that I was in my bed, sleeping.My younger cat was with me. It seemed lucid. But then a wild animal came up over the side of the bed, from between the bed and the wall. I thought it was a fox, but it was too stout. I could not figure out what it was. It attacked my face. Somehow I got away, it was gone...something.
And my friend and her daughter were there. The daughter told me her dad just died. (He was a very abusive man.) And somehow I knew the wild animal was her dead dad. Her mom came in and I went to comfort her. She is happily remarried, and so I was checking in, asking her if she was okay. She said she didn't want to hate him. Her kids were part him.
We were sitting side by side on a couch, facing each other with our foreheads touching. I reminded her that her kids had only the best of him.
I got up to go to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and saw my nose was swollen to three or four times its normal size and it was very purple, and my left eye was black along the outer rim.
I was so shocked. I woke myself up...Trying to understand what it means.
Clues?
Love and hugs from Clare
I had a crazy dream, and I need some hints to help me think about what it means.
As a prelude- when we lived on the farm, and after my ex left, I invited two different friends who were going through divorces to move in at two different times. One had kids with her. She was in last night's dream.
The first thing I remember was that I was in my bed, sleeping.My younger cat was with me. It seemed lucid. But then a wild animal came up over the side of the bed, from between the bed and the wall. I thought it was a fox, but it was too stout. I could not figure out what it was. It attacked my face. Somehow I got away, it was gone...something.
And my friend and her daughter were there. The daughter told me her dad just died. (He was a very abusive man.) And somehow I knew the wild animal was her dead dad. Her mom came in and I went to comfort her. She is happily remarried, and so I was checking in, asking her if she was okay. She said she didn't want to hate him. Her kids were part him.
We were sitting side by side on a couch, facing each other with our foreheads touching. I reminded her that her kids had only the best of him.
I got up to go to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and saw my nose was swollen to three or four times its normal size and it was very purple, and my left eye was black along the outer rim.
I was so shocked. I woke myself up...Trying to understand what it means.
Clues?
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, March 16, 2017
bold
Hi Maggie,
You have always been bolder than I am. You are more courageous. You sing you own songs in public. You decided you would be a doctor when you were 7, and never stopped until you did it. You said you would do it...and you did it.
When you wanted voice lessons, and Mom aid she couldn't afford it, you found a way.
You allow others to see you, to touch you. You know you are worthy of being touched, being treated. You allow, accept.
I admire you.
I don't do that. I quietly submit to the all-encompassing no in my life. I am so deeply sure that it is not my turn, it is not for me, I am supposed to be good and wait. It is always someone else's turn.
My strength, I think, is in being able to do what I want, and saying a big fat Fuck you! to the world. But...don't watch me while I do my things. I will just be quietly in this corner, being as unobtrusive/unintrusive as possible.
I only shoveled for about an hour. I learned to shovel until it got strenuous, then walk up and down the driveway a few times.
Sometimes, when I look at us, I wonder how close bipolar is to dissociative. I wonder how we contain the pain, knowing now that we inherit from parents, grandparents - who knows how far back. Then we try to exist, to survive in this culture of violence/violation aimed at anyone who is not white, rich, male.
I love your simple questions. The next step is how do we hold ourselves to honesty in discerning the answers. Maybe that is where clearness committees come in.
I saw a video today. The link is below. In one of my more self-accepting moments, I googled actresses without make up, and looked at the clean faces of the most beautiful women, as accepted by today's expectations. My face, upon which I never apply make up - in truth I don't remember how - is not bad. I am as attractive as some of them. But I think my lack of make up is part of the unobtrusive self I bear so well.
http://www.realclear.com/inspiration/2015/12/21/she_was_sick_of_being_photoshopped_so_she_did_this__12551.html
Love and hugs from Clare
You have always been bolder than I am. You are more courageous. You sing you own songs in public. You decided you would be a doctor when you were 7, and never stopped until you did it. You said you would do it...and you did it.
When you wanted voice lessons, and Mom aid she couldn't afford it, you found a way.
You allow others to see you, to touch you. You know you are worthy of being touched, being treated. You allow, accept.
I admire you.
I don't do that. I quietly submit to the all-encompassing no in my life. I am so deeply sure that it is not my turn, it is not for me, I am supposed to be good and wait. It is always someone else's turn.
My strength, I think, is in being able to do what I want, and saying a big fat Fuck you! to the world. But...don't watch me while I do my things. I will just be quietly in this corner, being as unobtrusive/unintrusive as possible.
I only shoveled for about an hour. I learned to shovel until it got strenuous, then walk up and down the driveway a few times.
Sometimes, when I look at us, I wonder how close bipolar is to dissociative. I wonder how we contain the pain, knowing now that we inherit from parents, grandparents - who knows how far back. Then we try to exist, to survive in this culture of violence/violation aimed at anyone who is not white, rich, male.
I love your simple questions. The next step is how do we hold ourselves to honesty in discerning the answers. Maybe that is where clearness committees come in.
I saw a video today. The link is below. In one of my more self-accepting moments, I googled actresses without make up, and looked at the clean faces of the most beautiful women, as accepted by today's expectations. My face, upon which I never apply make up - in truth I don't remember how - is not bad. I am as attractive as some of them. But I think my lack of make up is part of the unobtrusive self I bear so well.
http://www.realclear.com/inspiration/2015/12/21/she_was_sick_of_being_photoshopped_so_she_did_this__12551.html
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
thoughtful choices
Clare,
I have a friend who I see every two weeks for a massage...
deep tissue...
it keeps me moving without pain.
I have bad arthritis in my neck- from X-rays.
If I have the massage and do yoga I avoid the awful headaches I've had in the past.
I did both massage and yoga on Monday evening...
it was great.
I also moved snow for 7 hours Tuesday...
on the tractor and shoveling for extended periods of time.
Everything on my body hurt last evening...
my right hand is still swollen between the 2,3,and 4th fingers...
no injury...
overuse.
I took a hot shower, drank some wine and tried to sleep.
My youngest is in one of his confrontational phases. He would not help outside yesterday.
He called me a "stupid bitch" for getting the tractor stuck in ice and snow. He ranted and raved about how unfair we are to ground him for having a party and an overnight female guest while we were in NC...He wouldn't let us sleep for quite a while...
stomping...
slamming..
loud music...
yelling.
He finally slept about 5:30 am...
after he woke us up with similar treatment.
Today he told me he feels like he's going to explode through his skin...
if he doesn't get his way...
total freedom...
I offered to take him to the hospital for an evaluation.
This was not a fun snow day.
I may go to hell for this, but I cannot wait until he leaves for college- or whatever his next step is.
I cannot take this much longer. I felt like hitting him last night...
but reminded myself he needs our energy to escalate to feed his own fire.
I worry about him.
I was diagnosing him today...
but reminded myself that many of our family are similarly natured.
Are they all bi-polar?
I do think the answer is yes
Yes, we do try to prove our worthiness...
I am a people pleaser- martyr- Joan of Arc-type person.
I feel best when I've not just helped people, but sacrificed something to help them...
and then feel hurt that it's not noticed...
what a crazy, circular type behavior that is.
How do we stop it? I think we take some time before each choice and ask some simple questions...
What are my intentions?
How does this serve me?
What does this cost me?
Am I helping another?
Am I helping myself?
Maybe thoughtful choices are the only way to identify and change the patterns.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I have a friend who I see every two weeks for a massage...
deep tissue...
it keeps me moving without pain.
I have bad arthritis in my neck- from X-rays.
If I have the massage and do yoga I avoid the awful headaches I've had in the past.
I did both massage and yoga on Monday evening...
it was great.
I also moved snow for 7 hours Tuesday...
on the tractor and shoveling for extended periods of time.
Everything on my body hurt last evening...
my right hand is still swollen between the 2,3,and 4th fingers...
no injury...
overuse.
I took a hot shower, drank some wine and tried to sleep.
My youngest is in one of his confrontational phases. He would not help outside yesterday.
He called me a "stupid bitch" for getting the tractor stuck in ice and snow. He ranted and raved about how unfair we are to ground him for having a party and an overnight female guest while we were in NC...He wouldn't let us sleep for quite a while...
stomping...
slamming..
loud music...
yelling.
He finally slept about 5:30 am...
after he woke us up with similar treatment.
Today he told me he feels like he's going to explode through his skin...
if he doesn't get his way...
total freedom...
I offered to take him to the hospital for an evaluation.
This was not a fun snow day.
I may go to hell for this, but I cannot wait until he leaves for college- or whatever his next step is.
I cannot take this much longer. I felt like hitting him last night...
but reminded myself he needs our energy to escalate to feed his own fire.
I worry about him.
I was diagnosing him today...
but reminded myself that many of our family are similarly natured.
Are they all bi-polar?
I do think the answer is yes
Yes, we do try to prove our worthiness...
I am a people pleaser- martyr- Joan of Arc-type person.
I feel best when I've not just helped people, but sacrificed something to help them...
and then feel hurt that it's not noticed...
what a crazy, circular type behavior that is.
How do we stop it? I think we take some time before each choice and ask some simple questions...
What are my intentions?
How does this serve me?
What does this cost me?
Am I helping another?
Am I helping myself?
Maybe thoughtful choices are the only way to identify and change the patterns.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Snow day
Hi Maggie,
I am all snowed in up here on the hill. Yesterday was magical. It was perfectly still, perfectly silent. The sky seemed close and the snow just kept falling, and piling up. And I cruelly forced little dogs to go outside every few hours to do their business.
Everyone was out getting provisions. I asked my daughter to bring me flour. I figured if I am going to be shut in, I am going to bake.
Last weekend though, before the snow hit the fan, my youngest and I went to the spa. She treats me to this once a year. Last year was my first ever experience. I noticed I had a lot of tension in my jaw and in my hands as I forced myself to submit to a massage.
This year I had a facial first. She really massaged my face, keeping me from tightening my jaw. Then I had a massage and ananda, where she poured warm oil on my scalp and massaged my head, neck, shoulders, hands - after having put castor oil and heated towels on my feet.
As she was massaging my lower legs, the part I don't fully inhabit, I realize I am not fully comfortable being taken care of. I don't think I deserve this. This probably resounds through my whole life. This is just another face of I am not worthy.
And I can see it through the rest of my life...all the things I don't allow myself to have.
I wonder how I get passed this...???
I also noticed that I chatted it up with my therapist a lot. I compared notes with my daughter and she said she does not want to talk when getting a massage. She wants complete silence so she can just let go and relax. I think I engaged because, well, first, politically we were very close in opinion, and that is always nice. But secondly, and probably most importantly, if I am going to allow a stranger to touch me, allow myself to be that vulnerable, I want to know where they are at all times.
I've got along way to go to get to healthy!
Sending love and hugs across the snowy miles,
Clare
I am all snowed in up here on the hill. Yesterday was magical. It was perfectly still, perfectly silent. The sky seemed close and the snow just kept falling, and piling up. And I cruelly forced little dogs to go outside every few hours to do their business.
Everyone was out getting provisions. I asked my daughter to bring me flour. I figured if I am going to be shut in, I am going to bake.
Last weekend though, before the snow hit the fan, my youngest and I went to the spa. She treats me to this once a year. Last year was my first ever experience. I noticed I had a lot of tension in my jaw and in my hands as I forced myself to submit to a massage.
This year I had a facial first. She really massaged my face, keeping me from tightening my jaw. Then I had a massage and ananda, where she poured warm oil on my scalp and massaged my head, neck, shoulders, hands - after having put castor oil and heated towels on my feet.
As she was massaging my lower legs, the part I don't fully inhabit, I realize I am not fully comfortable being taken care of. I don't think I deserve this. This probably resounds through my whole life. This is just another face of I am not worthy.
And I can see it through the rest of my life...all the things I don't allow myself to have.
I wonder how I get passed this...???
I also noticed that I chatted it up with my therapist a lot. I compared notes with my daughter and she said she does not want to talk when getting a massage. She wants complete silence so she can just let go and relax. I think I engaged because, well, first, politically we were very close in opinion, and that is always nice. But secondly, and probably most importantly, if I am going to allow a stranger to touch me, allow myself to be that vulnerable, I want to know where they are at all times.
I've got along way to go to get to healthy!
Sending love and hugs across the snowy miles,
Clare
Friday, March 10, 2017
Family.....
Yo Maggie!!
OK...right to the point today!!
And you have identified the key point of life as an adult after having been abused as a child. We learn young that we have no value. We learn young no one loves us, no one will choose us, unless we are as codependent as possible.
I will do anything for you, as long as you stay with me...don't abandon me. Even if you are the source of my pain, don't abandon me. It is that bruised child inside, that persona who knows we can not survive without our parents, and so we accept anything as long as we are not alone.
And there is a level of offering what you never received - ultimate support and unconditional love. Never having been exactly loved, it is so hard to know how to love. And so we do it different.
Because we don't know how to do it healthily.
Being raped as a child robs you of all boundaries. When you are raped, you are not even human.You are a thing. How can we possibly set boundaries?
I am trying, but I think I set mine really far away, so no one can get in. I'll just watch you all from a distance, and I'll let you know if I change my mind.
I'm not as pessimistic as you are. I think change is possible. I think this could be a step in the right direction. They are still close, but everyone has their own space. I think that if I expect the best, she is more likely to get there. And baby-steps may work. We have to trust and support her. And maybe it will be a chance for family to actually be family. If we are truly friends, and involved with each other's lives, we can see things, notice things, advocate for each other. I long for that. I know you all better. But until Nephew moved in with me, I didn't feel like connected family.
With Nephew here, we have all been able to see each other's warts a little more clearly. And we still want to be connected. Family!
Is this what Mom and Dad found when they moved? Is this what S#5 found? We are on the outside, you know...
How did Uncle G do it? He has a family compound, they mostly stick together. And we are too far away to see anything but the shiny social media pictures - a happy, multi-generational family.
And happy birthing day Mama! You made a fabulous baby who has become a glowing, warm-hearted woman. Celebrate this!!!
Love and hugs to all, especially the birthday girl!
Clare
OK...right to the point today!!
And you have identified the key point of life as an adult after having been abused as a child. We learn young that we have no value. We learn young no one loves us, no one will choose us, unless we are as codependent as possible.
I will do anything for you, as long as you stay with me...don't abandon me. Even if you are the source of my pain, don't abandon me. It is that bruised child inside, that persona who knows we can not survive without our parents, and so we accept anything as long as we are not alone.
And there is a level of offering what you never received - ultimate support and unconditional love. Never having been exactly loved, it is so hard to know how to love. And so we do it different.
Because we don't know how to do it healthily.
Being raped as a child robs you of all boundaries. When you are raped, you are not even human.You are a thing. How can we possibly set boundaries?
I am trying, but I think I set mine really far away, so no one can get in. I'll just watch you all from a distance, and I'll let you know if I change my mind.
I'm not as pessimistic as you are. I think change is possible. I think this could be a step in the right direction. They are still close, but everyone has their own space. I think that if I expect the best, she is more likely to get there. And baby-steps may work. We have to trust and support her. And maybe it will be a chance for family to actually be family. If we are truly friends, and involved with each other's lives, we can see things, notice things, advocate for each other. I long for that. I know you all better. But until Nephew moved in with me, I didn't feel like connected family.
With Nephew here, we have all been able to see each other's warts a little more clearly. And we still want to be connected. Family!
Is this what Mom and Dad found when they moved? Is this what S#5 found? We are on the outside, you know...
How did Uncle G do it? He has a family compound, they mostly stick together. And we are too far away to see anything but the shiny social media pictures - a happy, multi-generational family.
And happy birthing day Mama! You made a fabulous baby who has become a glowing, warm-hearted woman. Celebrate this!!!
Love and hugs to all, especially the birthday girl!
Clare
afraid
Clare,
I do believe that S#3 wants to live in your area...
she will do well there.
I believe that she needs to allow her children to live independently.
She does not care for herself...
she cares for everyone else...
and then suffers for it.
I've seen her exhaustion and stress.
I think moving to a house that offers everyone a space is opening the door to both children and their families to move right in and allow S#3 to shoulder the responsibility once again. If her son wants to get married and start a family it should be when he and his wife/partner can live and support their own lives and their offsprings' lives. Our niece could certainly help more with chores around the house, even if her working hours and income are limited by. S#3 doesn't ask- or demand- help.
In my opinion she will end up paying for everyone to live...
something will happen and she will lose her investment.
That sounds harsh...
but it's the pattern I've observed time and time again.
I love S#3 very much.
I think that she finds value in being needed by others...
without that she is lost.
What she fails to see is that she has immense value just because...
all by herself...
she is smart and beautiful and funny and a wonderful friend.
She needs to find time by herself to recognize her own gifts.
I am afraid that the stress that she lives under is going to kill her. Just like living with the alcoholic husband and picking up all the pieces killed our grandmother. S#3 reminds me a lot of grammy...
I am afraid for her.
Late winter snow today...
It was beautiful.
I'm taking a little rest after work.
Tomorrow we are going into the city to celebrate my oldest's birthday. It will be wonderful walking the familiar streets, I enjoy that city.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I do believe that S#3 wants to live in your area...
she will do well there.
I believe that she needs to allow her children to live independently.
She does not care for herself...
she cares for everyone else...
and then suffers for it.
I've seen her exhaustion and stress.
I think moving to a house that offers everyone a space is opening the door to both children and their families to move right in and allow S#3 to shoulder the responsibility once again. If her son wants to get married and start a family it should be when he and his wife/partner can live and support their own lives and their offsprings' lives. Our niece could certainly help more with chores around the house, even if her working hours and income are limited by. S#3 doesn't ask- or demand- help.
In my opinion she will end up paying for everyone to live...
something will happen and she will lose her investment.
That sounds harsh...
but it's the pattern I've observed time and time again.
I love S#3 very much.
I think that she finds value in being needed by others...
without that she is lost.
What she fails to see is that she has immense value just because...
all by herself...
she is smart and beautiful and funny and a wonderful friend.
She needs to find time by herself to recognize her own gifts.
I am afraid that the stress that she lives under is going to kill her. Just like living with the alcoholic husband and picking up all the pieces killed our grandmother. S#3 reminds me a lot of grammy...
I am afraid for her.
Late winter snow today...
It was beautiful.
I'm taking a little rest after work.
Tomorrow we are going into the city to celebrate my oldest's birthday. It will be wonderful walking the familiar streets, I enjoy that city.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
simple?
Hi Maggie,
I think we do have to worry about each other. Sitting back and saying it is none of my business is how our family got this way. The problem is that we don't know how to step in and advise each other. There has to be a healthy, loving, somewhat nonintrusive way, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. I can't think of any role models in any part of our family.
Again - I want to see that 4%...those families that function.
I'm not sure if I can help her think it through. I am excited about having a playmate, and so my advice will probably be self-serving. I know the basis is that her son is happy here, and so her daughter wants to follow him. And if her kids are going, so is she. We have talked about home, and she has said she doesn't have a sense of home anywhere.
I do. I have that sense here, and so I am grateful that my children feel it also.
Your oldest is almost 25. My baby will be 26 in 3 months. I have a hard time, sometimes, when I stop and realize how much time has passed...
I remember that dinner. You sounded so stressed on the phone, I rallied my ex and we all set off on a rescue mission. As I remember, my oldest was trying to get the cherry from the bottom of her drink! And you are welcome. It was nice being close to each other. I saw more of you then than anytime since.
My baby's baby had tubes put in her ears today. Knowing there was going to be surgery today meant I didn't sleep well last night. I was doing that drowsing half worry/half prayer thing, which is not a restful thing. But she did well. She reportedly woke up and said her ears felt better, then she cried and asked for her cousin.
So I have a male friend is Europe. We have been friends since more than four years ago. We go through periods when we talk frequently, then periods where we don't have much contact at all. Since last summer, we have been in fairly regular contact. He is coming to visit in July.
I was trying to explain some of my ideas about pain and using either addiction to numb, or lashing out as release. I was trying to explain why counseling is necessary sometimes - something to change patterns.
He said that from another country it looks like we are spoiled. That so many people work so hard to provide shelter and food, there don't worry about quality of relationships. He pointed out grandparents making the best of it, being practical, and just living.
I was thinking about lifestyle. Yes, things may not be life or death here, and we joke about first world problems. But that doesn't mean we aren't suffering.
I became extremely emotional, but did not weep, and said that Al Anon was free, I wasn't wasting excess money on therapy, and that it saved my life. It changed me and made me a better parent. I wasn't being selfish and self centered by working through my pain.
Our grandmothers both made the best of alcoholic husbands. One died young, after years of taking care of her kids, and just a few last years of what looked like a happy marriage. The other spent her life telling people how horrible marriage was and listening to her partner tell people marrying her was the biggest mistake he ever made. The first let her husband drink, and picked up all of the slack...everything. The second rammed down hard and forced him to conform to what he presented himself to be.
Was anyone happy? Someone in that generation started AA. We needed it.
I don't know. To me it looks so simple. Someone causes pain. The pain is stored and affects us until we look at it, face it and let it go.
You know?
Love and hugs from Clare
I think we do have to worry about each other. Sitting back and saying it is none of my business is how our family got this way. The problem is that we don't know how to step in and advise each other. There has to be a healthy, loving, somewhat nonintrusive way, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. I can't think of any role models in any part of our family.
Again - I want to see that 4%...those families that function.
I'm not sure if I can help her think it through. I am excited about having a playmate, and so my advice will probably be self-serving. I know the basis is that her son is happy here, and so her daughter wants to follow him. And if her kids are going, so is she. We have talked about home, and she has said she doesn't have a sense of home anywhere.
I do. I have that sense here, and so I am grateful that my children feel it also.
Your oldest is almost 25. My baby will be 26 in 3 months. I have a hard time, sometimes, when I stop and realize how much time has passed...
I remember that dinner. You sounded so stressed on the phone, I rallied my ex and we all set off on a rescue mission. As I remember, my oldest was trying to get the cherry from the bottom of her drink! And you are welcome. It was nice being close to each other. I saw more of you then than anytime since.
My baby's baby had tubes put in her ears today. Knowing there was going to be surgery today meant I didn't sleep well last night. I was doing that drowsing half worry/half prayer thing, which is not a restful thing. But she did well. She reportedly woke up and said her ears felt better, then she cried and asked for her cousin.
So I have a male friend is Europe. We have been friends since more than four years ago. We go through periods when we talk frequently, then periods where we don't have much contact at all. Since last summer, we have been in fairly regular contact. He is coming to visit in July.
I was trying to explain some of my ideas about pain and using either addiction to numb, or lashing out as release. I was trying to explain why counseling is necessary sometimes - something to change patterns.
He said that from another country it looks like we are spoiled. That so many people work so hard to provide shelter and food, there don't worry about quality of relationships. He pointed out grandparents making the best of it, being practical, and just living.
I was thinking about lifestyle. Yes, things may not be life or death here, and we joke about first world problems. But that doesn't mean we aren't suffering.
I became extremely emotional, but did not weep, and said that Al Anon was free, I wasn't wasting excess money on therapy, and that it saved my life. It changed me and made me a better parent. I wasn't being selfish and self centered by working through my pain.
Our grandmothers both made the best of alcoholic husbands. One died young, after years of taking care of her kids, and just a few last years of what looked like a happy marriage. The other spent her life telling people how horrible marriage was and listening to her partner tell people marrying her was the biggest mistake he ever made. The first let her husband drink, and picked up all of the slack...everything. The second rammed down hard and forced him to conform to what he presented himself to be.
Was anyone happy? Someone in that generation started AA. We needed it.
I don't know. To me it looks so simple. Someone causes pain. The pain is stored and affects us until we look at it, face it and let it go.
You know?
Love and hugs from Clare
thanks
Clare,
It's a beautiful day...
windy...
but warm.
I like days like this one.
I know it's not my business...
but I am concerned with S#3 living together with both her children and their families. She is stressed. She is tired. She doesn't delegate. She doesn't say no. This housing arrangement puts her right in the middle of all of that responsibility. I don't see her interact with her son...
and like you said her daughter is generally quiet around me.
I do see S#3 stepping up...
time after time...
shouldering responsibility...
in spite of her own fatigue.
I worry about her health.
I worry about her financial health...
she doesn't ask for financial help from her kids and her daughter doesn't offer.
She won't have money for the future... and on and on...
my worries continue.
I think about what I think she needs...
and then tell myself it isn't my choice.
But help her to think it through.
Once she makes this investment she won't have the means to move...
this is a big move.
Anyway, I love her and want the best for her.
My cat has a mammary tumor...
85% chance it will be cancer.
Who else has cats with breast cancer?
I picked her up to put her into the carrier for a check up at the vet and felt a mass. She has crappy skin, so I thought it was related to that. I old the vet and she examined her. It is under and around one of her nipples. So, Tuesday it will be excised. If it is less than an inch, her chances of survival are good. Over an inch, or any metastasis and she will probably have a few months. I have to wait and see. She is a good cat...
this is the one that survived a fire at the SPCA...
and then we adopted her.
She is husband's 'girlfriend'...
she prefers his lap to all others.
My youngest is driving me crazy...
he's grounded once again...
and his strategy is to make us miserable while he's stuck at home.
I am ready to be an empty-nester.
I love him, but he's so ready to leave it is uncomfortable.
He turns 18 in April...
I think the last month of school is going to be wicked.
My oldest turns 25 on Saturday...
that is hard to believe. We are going to the city to celebrate her birthday. Do you remember when you and your family took me to Chinatown for dinner while I was cramming for finals? Your oldest putting her hand into the orange juice to retrieve her drink umbrella and juice spilling over the top? Your son hiding under the table and frightening the waiter by grabbing his ankle when he was at the table side? That was fun. Thanks.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
It's a beautiful day...
windy...
but warm.
I like days like this one.
I know it's not my business...
but I am concerned with S#3 living together with both her children and their families. She is stressed. She is tired. She doesn't delegate. She doesn't say no. This housing arrangement puts her right in the middle of all of that responsibility. I don't see her interact with her son...
and like you said her daughter is generally quiet around me.
I do see S#3 stepping up...
time after time...
shouldering responsibility...
in spite of her own fatigue.
I worry about her health.
I worry about her financial health...
she doesn't ask for financial help from her kids and her daughter doesn't offer.
She won't have money for the future... and on and on...
my worries continue.
I think about what I think she needs...
and then tell myself it isn't my choice.
But help her to think it through.
Once she makes this investment she won't have the means to move...
this is a big move.
Anyway, I love her and want the best for her.
My cat has a mammary tumor...
85% chance it will be cancer.
Who else has cats with breast cancer?
I picked her up to put her into the carrier for a check up at the vet and felt a mass. She has crappy skin, so I thought it was related to that. I old the vet and she examined her. It is under and around one of her nipples. So, Tuesday it will be excised. If it is less than an inch, her chances of survival are good. Over an inch, or any metastasis and she will probably have a few months. I have to wait and see. She is a good cat...
this is the one that survived a fire at the SPCA...
and then we adopted her.
She is husband's 'girlfriend'...
she prefers his lap to all others.
My youngest is driving me crazy...
he's grounded once again...
and his strategy is to make us miserable while he's stuck at home.
I am ready to be an empty-nester.
I love him, but he's so ready to leave it is uncomfortable.
He turns 18 in April...
I think the last month of school is going to be wicked.
My oldest turns 25 on Saturday...
that is hard to believe. We are going to the city to celebrate her birthday. Do you remember when you and your family took me to Chinatown for dinner while I was cramming for finals? Your oldest putting her hand into the orange juice to retrieve her drink umbrella and juice spilling over the top? Your son hiding under the table and frightening the waiter by grabbing his ankle when he was at the table side? That was fun. Thanks.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, March 6, 2017
another dream...
Hi Maggie,
The problem with running away is we take ourselves with us. Oh, and when we are the parent, the kids want to come. They want to ride shotgun. And they need to stop at MacDonald's. And then they take control of the radio. (Your godson told me that when he drove, he got to control the radio. When I drove, he got to control the radio...because I would turn on things like Prairie Home Companion...) You just have to wait them out...outlast them and keep loving them even when they are daring you not to.
This place may work for S#3. Her kids will not be living with her. They will be her neighbors though. The property has a log cabin with a basement apartment, then a trailer a distance away. It gives her a bit of space. She won't even have to hear them, but she doesn't feel like she's abandoning anyone, especially her youngest, and all the kids. Her oldest and his love will probably move into the basement apartment. They are talking marriage and kids...And they can pick up some of the slack with Niece's kids, separate them a little to downsize the bickering.
But what I am hoping is that I make the difference. Or at least help. I feel like we are friends as well as sisters, and that it will be fun. And she will have a connection to a companion. Our grandkids are all friends, and so there is a connection. I have begun getting to know her daughter better, who is so quiet, almost shut down, and finding we are alike, and that I enjoy her flashes of light and humor.
As the family herbalist, I recommend you start drinking some dandelion root tea every day. It tones the liver. When the liver is functioning its best, it can remove the excess hormones coursing through the body and causing symptoms. It does help.
Your doctor doesn't want to harvest your organs. That implies using them for something. She just wants to render the feminine invisible, to prove that our reproductive system is not important once we have born children with some man's name. Sorry...I'm being an opinionated bitch...I can be that sometimes...But keep your uterus! And your ovaries!
I just learned today that my college roommate's husband died of pancreatic cancer. We haven't been close in years, but it still affected me. I feel like death is moving in and surrounding me. So many people are leaving right now. It is overwhelming...I am sorry you are feeling the loss of your friend, but I am also so happy that you can feel, and that you have people in your life who are worth mourning.
I had a dream last night. I wanted to make sure I remembered it. I think I have...I was walking along the street we lived on the year S#4 was born. I was with my oldest granddaughter, who is almost 13, and she was asking questions about our childhood. I remembered that we were living in the same town as Aunt MJ when we found out Dad was being stationed at a new base, there were no quarters available on the post, and so we had to live in a nearby town. Dad found the house, and told us there was a balcony. I was enchanted, and had Romeo and Juliet visions in my head...a lovely balcony overlooking a well kept garden...lots of flowers and blue skies. Imagine my dismay when we moved into a house that was only 4 or 5 feet from the next house. There was just a sidewalk separating us, and a long narrow yard in the back.
So last night, in my dream, I was walking past the house, talking about the neighbors on either side. We turned into the walkway between us and the older couple - Walt and Mable. As we stepped in between the houses, a door flew open on their house. My granddaughter asked if that was ever there before, and I said no. This was new, there was something stored in there. As I walked back to our back door, which was along that walk, another door flew open, a door that was not there. A secret door on our house too.
I felt shocked.
I woke up and tried to remember the layout of that house. It took awhile. I finally remembered it was really two apartments, one up, one down. You and I shared a room, with a sink - the upstairs kitchen. The boys had the room with the balcony, more of an enclosed sun-porch with no access to the sun. And that is where the shocking table was. Remember?
But I was thinking about Walt. He had a workshop at the back of his yard. The walls were covered with Playboy centerfolds. I remember being invited in a few times and feeling uncomfortable. I was wondering if he molested our brothers, or even us...I don't remember...but I was suddenly wondering if that was what sparked the worst of the molestation upon you girls by your brothers just after we left there.
The secret door was what started that thought process.
I wondered about Dad's family...did the abuse really happen? Then I remembered Uncle B and his daughter...and yeah, there was a lot of sexual abuse in Dad's family...it was real. And I still think he assaulted at least some of us as infants.
So we continue to struggle to find the roots of the pain...
Love and hugs from Clare
The problem with running away is we take ourselves with us. Oh, and when we are the parent, the kids want to come. They want to ride shotgun. And they need to stop at MacDonald's. And then they take control of the radio. (Your godson told me that when he drove, he got to control the radio. When I drove, he got to control the radio...because I would turn on things like Prairie Home Companion...) You just have to wait them out...outlast them and keep loving them even when they are daring you not to.
This place may work for S#3. Her kids will not be living with her. They will be her neighbors though. The property has a log cabin with a basement apartment, then a trailer a distance away. It gives her a bit of space. She won't even have to hear them, but she doesn't feel like she's abandoning anyone, especially her youngest, and all the kids. Her oldest and his love will probably move into the basement apartment. They are talking marriage and kids...And they can pick up some of the slack with Niece's kids, separate them a little to downsize the bickering.
But what I am hoping is that I make the difference. Or at least help. I feel like we are friends as well as sisters, and that it will be fun. And she will have a connection to a companion. Our grandkids are all friends, and so there is a connection. I have begun getting to know her daughter better, who is so quiet, almost shut down, and finding we are alike, and that I enjoy her flashes of light and humor.
As the family herbalist, I recommend you start drinking some dandelion root tea every day. It tones the liver. When the liver is functioning its best, it can remove the excess hormones coursing through the body and causing symptoms. It does help.
Your doctor doesn't want to harvest your organs. That implies using them for something. She just wants to render the feminine invisible, to prove that our reproductive system is not important once we have born children with some man's name. Sorry...I'm being an opinionated bitch...I can be that sometimes...But keep your uterus! And your ovaries!
I just learned today that my college roommate's husband died of pancreatic cancer. We haven't been close in years, but it still affected me. I feel like death is moving in and surrounding me. So many people are leaving right now. It is overwhelming...I am sorry you are feeling the loss of your friend, but I am also so happy that you can feel, and that you have people in your life who are worth mourning.
I had a dream last night. I wanted to make sure I remembered it. I think I have...I was walking along the street we lived on the year S#4 was born. I was with my oldest granddaughter, who is almost 13, and she was asking questions about our childhood. I remembered that we were living in the same town as Aunt MJ when we found out Dad was being stationed at a new base, there were no quarters available on the post, and so we had to live in a nearby town. Dad found the house, and told us there was a balcony. I was enchanted, and had Romeo and Juliet visions in my head...a lovely balcony overlooking a well kept garden...lots of flowers and blue skies. Imagine my dismay when we moved into a house that was only 4 or 5 feet from the next house. There was just a sidewalk separating us, and a long narrow yard in the back.
So last night, in my dream, I was walking past the house, talking about the neighbors on either side. We turned into the walkway between us and the older couple - Walt and Mable. As we stepped in between the houses, a door flew open on their house. My granddaughter asked if that was ever there before, and I said no. This was new, there was something stored in there. As I walked back to our back door, which was along that walk, another door flew open, a door that was not there. A secret door on our house too.
I felt shocked.
I woke up and tried to remember the layout of that house. It took awhile. I finally remembered it was really two apartments, one up, one down. You and I shared a room, with a sink - the upstairs kitchen. The boys had the room with the balcony, more of an enclosed sun-porch with no access to the sun. And that is where the shocking table was. Remember?
But I was thinking about Walt. He had a workshop at the back of his yard. The walls were covered with Playboy centerfolds. I remember being invited in a few times and feeling uncomfortable. I was wondering if he molested our brothers, or even us...I don't remember...but I was suddenly wondering if that was what sparked the worst of the molestation upon you girls by your brothers just after we left there.
The secret door was what started that thought process.
I wondered about Dad's family...did the abuse really happen? Then I remembered Uncle B and his daughter...and yeah, there was a lot of sexual abuse in Dad's family...it was real. And I still think he assaulted at least some of us as infants.
So we continue to struggle to find the roots of the pain...
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, March 5, 2017
breath
Clare,
Sometimes I want to run away...
my youngest is grounded...
again.
He hosted a party while we were away...
left the basement a mess...
and he's mad at us for 'ruining his life'.
His strategy is to make us as miserable as possible while he's stuck home.
He succeeds at that...
and then some.
I want to run away.
I'm glad that S#3 found a place that she likes. I hope that it works for her. She needs a fresh start...
my biggest fear is that she is moving, but taking her stress along with her. I know that she loves her children and grandchildren, but she is overwhelmed when I see her. I don't know what the correct arrangement is for them, but I worry about her health with persistent stress.
I am also having the night hot flashes/sweats you wrote about. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I am up and down, covers on and off, changing into light bed clothes, then throwing a sweatshirt on once it passes because I am freezing. I've also began having some nausea with the daytime stuff...I am so ready to be done!
I don't really want to be menopausal. I like the fact that I still have decent skin, hair, energy, metabolism. I like having estrogen in my system. But, I am ready to make the transition if that is what is next for me. Transitions are tough, but they are opportunities.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a new gynecologist. I don't like changing doctors, but the woman I've been seeing for 25 years wants to harvest all of my female organs...
every time I see her she's offering me surgery.
I don't really think I need everything removed...
my body isn't the enemy...
it's all in there for a reason.
Wish me luck.
I went to Meeting this morning.
It hit me...
hard...
my friend is no longer riding with me.
I no longer have access to her wisdom and wit.
Her stories that taught me so much about the human side of history...
and the peace movement...
and love...
and disappointment in family.
I will miss my F/friend so very much.
As I sat in meeting I thought of breath...
Breath that SIL fought for...
her whole body did nothing but struggle to breathe 2 weekends ago.
Breath that my F/friend was short of the last 4 times I spent time with her...
but she knew that if I took her to the doctor they would treat her and prolong her days. She was ready to give up breathing to join her beloved on the other side.
Breath that takes me deeper and stiller into my center.
Breath that I use to calm or awaken my system when I need it most.
Ruah- the holy breath of the Divine- Holy Spirit perhaps- allowing inspiration...
spirit within us- inspiration.
Divine inspiration- pulling Gus close, nurturing, warming...
Divine expiration- sending us out to the world to live and be.
Breath...
like Light is complex and profound.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sometimes I want to run away...
my youngest is grounded...
again.
He hosted a party while we were away...
left the basement a mess...
and he's mad at us for 'ruining his life'.
His strategy is to make us as miserable as possible while he's stuck home.
He succeeds at that...
and then some.
I want to run away.
I'm glad that S#3 found a place that she likes. I hope that it works for her. She needs a fresh start...
my biggest fear is that she is moving, but taking her stress along with her. I know that she loves her children and grandchildren, but she is overwhelmed when I see her. I don't know what the correct arrangement is for them, but I worry about her health with persistent stress.
I am also having the night hot flashes/sweats you wrote about. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks. I am up and down, covers on and off, changing into light bed clothes, then throwing a sweatshirt on once it passes because I am freezing. I've also began having some nausea with the daytime stuff...I am so ready to be done!
I don't really want to be menopausal. I like the fact that I still have decent skin, hair, energy, metabolism. I like having estrogen in my system. But, I am ready to make the transition if that is what is next for me. Transitions are tough, but they are opportunities.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a new gynecologist. I don't like changing doctors, but the woman I've been seeing for 25 years wants to harvest all of my female organs...
every time I see her she's offering me surgery.
I don't really think I need everything removed...
my body isn't the enemy...
it's all in there for a reason.
Wish me luck.
I went to Meeting this morning.
It hit me...
hard...
my friend is no longer riding with me.
I no longer have access to her wisdom and wit.
Her stories that taught me so much about the human side of history...
and the peace movement...
and love...
and disappointment in family.
I will miss my F/friend so very much.
As I sat in meeting I thought of breath...
Breath that SIL fought for...
her whole body did nothing but struggle to breathe 2 weekends ago.
Breath that my F/friend was short of the last 4 times I spent time with her...
but she knew that if I took her to the doctor they would treat her and prolong her days. She was ready to give up breathing to join her beloved on the other side.
Breath that takes me deeper and stiller into my center.
Breath that I use to calm or awaken my system when I need it most.
Ruah- the holy breath of the Divine- Holy Spirit perhaps- allowing inspiration...
spirit within us- inspiration.
Divine inspiration- pulling Gus close, nurturing, warming...
Divine expiration- sending us out to the world to live and be.
Breath...
like Light is complex and profound.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
decompressing
Hi Maggie,
My computer had another moment of bewilderment. Luckily, S#3 was here for her birthday this weekend, and when she asked if she could help, I asked her to make the laptop work. Which she did with great grace and dexterity!!! But the computer is my excuse for not checking in with you for the past few days.
We had a tea party with all the grandchildren. It was a lot of fun. Then this morning she and her daughter went to look at a property about 20 minutes from here. First time out, and they found something perfect. They are going to have it inspected, but a contractor owns it, and has apparently done great upkeep. Soon...let the negotiations begin!
But I ate a lot of junk food this weekend, and I can feel it. The older I get, the more aware I am when I put shit in my body.
It is synchronicity...exactly what we should expect...but I read an article this week that reassured women that the changes in hormones associated with menopause cause anxiety. You are normal, menopause is just a bit of a challenge.
I remember when I was first married, my mother-in-law was really suffering from hot flashes. I had one. Only one! Just as it was fading, I figured out what is was...it was a rush! My problems were with night sweats...blankets on/blankets off all night long, and the sensation that insects were walking on me. I hated that. It was so freaky, I looked it up just to make sure it was normal.
You know, we just passed through two eclipses. Everyone is off. Everyone I know is having problems with electronics or cars or health or relationships. No one is settled and smooth right now. when it happens to everyone, I know it is related to all of us, we are all changing.
Thank you for the details about SIL's death. I am still very aware of not knowing her, of knowing her better now because everyone has been talking about her, remembering her.
And I remain aware that I want us to change. The last letter I sent to Dad was about being kind, being that family...somehow I don't regret that.
My house is totalled. But it is quiet. I don't have the energy to do much, so...tomorrow.
I hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs from Clare
My computer had another moment of bewilderment. Luckily, S#3 was here for her birthday this weekend, and when she asked if she could help, I asked her to make the laptop work. Which she did with great grace and dexterity!!! But the computer is my excuse for not checking in with you for the past few days.
We had a tea party with all the grandchildren. It was a lot of fun. Then this morning she and her daughter went to look at a property about 20 minutes from here. First time out, and they found something perfect. They are going to have it inspected, but a contractor owns it, and has apparently done great upkeep. Soon...let the negotiations begin!
But I ate a lot of junk food this weekend, and I can feel it. The older I get, the more aware I am when I put shit in my body.
It is synchronicity...exactly what we should expect...but I read an article this week that reassured women that the changes in hormones associated with menopause cause anxiety. You are normal, menopause is just a bit of a challenge.
I remember when I was first married, my mother-in-law was really suffering from hot flashes. I had one. Only one! Just as it was fading, I figured out what is was...it was a rush! My problems were with night sweats...blankets on/blankets off all night long, and the sensation that insects were walking on me. I hated that. It was so freaky, I looked it up just to make sure it was normal.
You know, we just passed through two eclipses. Everyone is off. Everyone I know is having problems with electronics or cars or health or relationships. No one is settled and smooth right now. when it happens to everyone, I know it is related to all of us, we are all changing.
Thank you for the details about SIL's death. I am still very aware of not knowing her, of knowing her better now because everyone has been talking about her, remembering her.
And I remain aware that I want us to change. The last letter I sent to Dad was about being kind, being that family...somehow I don't regret that.
My house is totalled. But it is quiet. I don't have the energy to do much, so...tomorrow.
I hope all is well with you.
Love and hugs from Clare
Thursday, March 2, 2017
poor me...
Clare,
I'm not sure what is going on inside of me. I was struggling with anxious moments at work today. I believe it is because my coworker has an event next week that she is 'manic' over...
and it is bleeding into my psyche...
but I am uncomfortable.
Each month I had veto calculate how I spent my work hours...
I hate doing this...
today was that day.
I tried to calculate them...
while my coworker asked me incessant questions...
and I missed some hours in my report.
She made a point of declaring it was wrong at an executive board meeting...
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to say, well leave me alone when I'm working on this stuff...
or, don't you know my brain is still fried from 2 funerals last week...
or Take this job and shove it!
But I just sat and decided to recheck them after she left for the day.
I don't get paid enough to be harassed about documenting my hours...
and I'm responsible for finding the funding for my projects anyway!
I hate fundraising.
I'm not sure if I should even be doing this work...
I love creating project and teaching classes...
I don't like the fundraising.
I'm in a 'poor me' mood.
I feel exhausted.
I have pain in my axilla...
it's getting worse over the past 2 months or so...
my surgeon thinks it's a neuroma from the site of a lymph node that was removed...
my surgeon says massage it...
that makes it ache more.
It wakes me at night when I roll over.
Between the hot flashes and this pain I'm awake intermittently through the night.
Anyway...
my goal is to be in bed early tonight to catch up on my sleep.
Sleep well Beautiful sister.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm not sure what is going on inside of me. I was struggling with anxious moments at work today. I believe it is because my coworker has an event next week that she is 'manic' over...
and it is bleeding into my psyche...
but I am uncomfortable.
Each month I had veto calculate how I spent my work hours...
I hate doing this...
today was that day.
I tried to calculate them...
while my coworker asked me incessant questions...
and I missed some hours in my report.
She made a point of declaring it was wrong at an executive board meeting...
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to say, well leave me alone when I'm working on this stuff...
or, don't you know my brain is still fried from 2 funerals last week...
or Take this job and shove it!
But I just sat and decided to recheck them after she left for the day.
I don't get paid enough to be harassed about documenting my hours...
and I'm responsible for finding the funding for my projects anyway!
I hate fundraising.
I'm not sure if I should even be doing this work...
I love creating project and teaching classes...
I don't like the fundraising.
I'm in a 'poor me' mood.
I feel exhausted.
I have pain in my axilla...
it's getting worse over the past 2 months or so...
my surgeon thinks it's a neuroma from the site of a lymph node that was removed...
my surgeon says massage it...
that makes it ache more.
It wakes me at night when I roll over.
Between the hot flashes and this pain I'm awake intermittently through the night.
Anyway...
my goal is to be in bed early tonight to catch up on my sleep.
Sleep well Beautiful sister.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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