still

Hey Li'l Sister,

I  remember reading Candace Pert's Molecules of Emotion many years ago.   I know that the interactions between/among/caused by hormones is complex.  But I just can't get past this feeling that we are addicted to stress, and to stress hormones,to cortisol.  It just seems that when we create drama, it is to recreate that homey feeling of chaos, of not knowing what will happen next, not knowing if we are safe or not.  That when we are safe, we feel unsettled, eerie, or maybe like there's too much room for something big to happen.

It seems that when we are calm, when there is no stress hormone pumping through our bodies, we know there is something wrong.  We are in the wrong place. Maybe that is even the basis of I don't deserve...well, aside from Dad telling me I didn't deserve...

Maybe I am being naive, and stating the obvious, but this seems big to me, like a big breakthrough in the way I see myself, define myself, identify myself.

And I know we have talked about some of the remedies before - laugh, dance, sing, avoid processed foods.  But I'm seeing a different layer, I guess.

I would love to borrow your book.

I am glad to know your sons are moving into a mellow period.  My youngest child had another preadmission discussion and has to decide whether she would prefer general or spinal anaethesia.  It is interesting to listen to her come to terms with what she has to do.  The surgery is just a week away.  I know she is nervous.

I am getting the feeling I get sometimes, where I dream of putting the dog in the car, getting in and driving until I find someplace interesting.  Then I explore and move on.

I guess I'm tired, and definitely tired of winter.  I'm tired of being cold, tired of being trapped in the house.

I wish something would change.  Until then. I'll keep plugging ahead and wait for way to open...and hope I notice!

I love you, I miss you...

Clare

Hmmmmm...there is an eclipse later this month. That always brings something...