scattered

Hey Maggie -

Without you, I feel a bit directionless.

Today's rumination - comes from the shower and a book.  Standing in warm water is a good way to think. Maybe because I'm relaxed and alone.  And I am in the final part of the Omnivore's Dilemma - the part about the completely foraged meal. Michael Pollan wrote about fear - fear of eating the wrong mushroom, for instance.  I remembered going fishing with a friend from school. He was an excellent fisherman.  He knew all of the local fish - and in fact this has become his career.  But when I reached down and picked an herb and popped it in my mouth, he freaked out.  He thought I was going to die from eating poison plants...

So I had fear on my mind. And suddenly it seemed like fear is primal.  We need it to stay alive.  But it seems to be more important than love.  I have read the studies that show babies waste away and die if not handled with love.  But it seems it doesn't take much to keep us alive.

Fear is primal.  I wrap myself in fear to stay alive. 

And that is the big, hidden piece of will, of control. We are trapped in our yellow chakras - will. But it's fear. And isn't it interesting that being called "yellow" means you are a coward?  You are afraid.

I thought about love, and I felt myself tighten up, pull together - physically and spiritually.  It was strange, yet real.

I know fear is the reason I carry extra weight.  It keeps people away.  It keeps me safe. It keeps me invisible.  There is nothing more invisible in our culture than an older, overweight woman.

Somehow fear has become dominant, more important than love.

And then, as always, I go back to what I know - we must get into the green chakra, learn to love, to have faith, to trust...

Do I?

No. I still hate to ask for anything.  Dad taught me wel that I am not worth it...

Then I was thinking about depression, which may go back to the peaceful warriors reaction to this world. And passive-aggressiveness is the peaceful warrior's big stick that keeps people away. It is so hard to be a peaceful warrior when you have been taught that you are simply not good enough, not loveable...

I know, I'm scattered.  I need you!  But I hope you are having fun.  And next year - I get to go too!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Clare