Clare,
I'm trying to be detached from expectations of specific results. I want my kids to be happy…
but trying not to dictate the path to happiness…
that kind of thing.
I had a scream-fest Sunday evening…
son #1 did almost no school work last week and lied each day…
"yeah I did science today"…
on Thursday I realized he was lying…
but I was hoping he'd come to me to talk about it.
He avoided me all weekend…
9 pm Sunday evening he came home…
and was too far gone to do any work.
Well I cursed and opened the dam that was holding back all of those feelings…
I hurt his feelings, I'm sure.
Husband talked with him…
said he cried.
I feel like a bully.
We talked the next morning…
I apologized and explained the build-up of frustration and knowledge that he was lying…
we have a better understanding now.
I am a bitch at times.
Some good news…
daughter#1 has been accepted into grad school. She is very excited. She was told that the decision would be made after final grades were submitted. So she is off for a Masters.
So, when will all of this celestial influence that is wreaking havoc be over? April 6th I've read.
I need to get back to a more stable place.
I need to be more like me.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
detach
Hello My Sister!
I'm still hoarse, but recovering. But I'm starting to get a cold sore. I know my resistance is ridiculously low. I am still tired.
I had the baby with me this afternoon. We went outside and she fell in the mud. She looked like a perfectly happy, perfectly healthy, grubby little kid. I loved it!
I think detachment is being in your heart chakra and trusting that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. It's letting go of the reins, and the need to direct everything.
I have learned that the best gifts in life are the things I never saw coming. And if we had to direct our lives, to choose the events we experience, when and how we want them - well, then we would miss the coolest, most magical moments of our life. Those are the little gifts that catch you unaware.
To be detached is healthy. I remember one of my best teachers was a friend who married at the same time as I did. A whole group of us graduated around the same time, then got married and started having kids. This young woman married someone who was an old friend of my ex's. My ex has always joked around a lot. He was doing something strange one day and this young woman rolled her eyes and made a comment that I think was supposed to embarrass me. I think maybe I was supposed to keep him in line, or some such. I remember consciously retreating, sitting back and watching him. Okay - maybe strange, but definitely not offensive. I realized that he didn't know what she thought, he probably wouldn't care what she thought, and it was no reflection on me, nor was it my responsibility to change him. I just started letting it all go...until one day I had my oldest and two of her friends out in public. They were dressed strangely, okay - bizarrely...
One of her friends came to talk to me, to ask me a question, and I think I may have linked arms with her, ready to go see what she was talking about. She stopped and asked, "You mean, you don't mind being seen with me? My mom makes me walk far away from her when I dress like this."
Detach. I love the kids, no matter what they are doing, or how they appear. And I love them whether I approve of their choices.
I'm still not sure if it's our strengths or weaknesses that connect us - an argument can be made for each. And sometimes one's weakness matches another's strengths. I have been thinking about this. I think it will stay on my mind for awhile...
Our yearly meeting has a monthly newspaper. The edition I received last week addresses Quakers and other faiths. One article,written by someone I know, addresses being both Quaker and Buddhist. Another was written by someone who is both actively Catholic and Quaker. It seems we can find commonly understood language in many places at once...
I hope you are well...love and hugs... Missing you,
Clare
I'm still hoarse, but recovering. But I'm starting to get a cold sore. I know my resistance is ridiculously low. I am still tired.
I had the baby with me this afternoon. We went outside and she fell in the mud. She looked like a perfectly happy, perfectly healthy, grubby little kid. I loved it!
I think detachment is being in your heart chakra and trusting that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. It's letting go of the reins, and the need to direct everything.
I have learned that the best gifts in life are the things I never saw coming. And if we had to direct our lives, to choose the events we experience, when and how we want them - well, then we would miss the coolest, most magical moments of our life. Those are the little gifts that catch you unaware.
To be detached is healthy. I remember one of my best teachers was a friend who married at the same time as I did. A whole group of us graduated around the same time, then got married and started having kids. This young woman married someone who was an old friend of my ex's. My ex has always joked around a lot. He was doing something strange one day and this young woman rolled her eyes and made a comment that I think was supposed to embarrass me. I think maybe I was supposed to keep him in line, or some such. I remember consciously retreating, sitting back and watching him. Okay - maybe strange, but definitely not offensive. I realized that he didn't know what she thought, he probably wouldn't care what she thought, and it was no reflection on me, nor was it my responsibility to change him. I just started letting it all go...until one day I had my oldest and two of her friends out in public. They were dressed strangely, okay - bizarrely...
One of her friends came to talk to me, to ask me a question, and I think I may have linked arms with her, ready to go see what she was talking about. She stopped and asked, "You mean, you don't mind being seen with me? My mom makes me walk far away from her when I dress like this."
Detach. I love the kids, no matter what they are doing, or how they appear. And I love them whether I approve of their choices.
I'm still not sure if it's our strengths or weaknesses that connect us - an argument can be made for each. And sometimes one's weakness matches another's strengths. I have been thinking about this. I think it will stay on my mind for awhile...
Our yearly meeting has a monthly newspaper. The edition I received last week addresses Quakers and other faiths. One article,written by someone I know, addresses being both Quaker and Buddhist. Another was written by someone who is both actively Catholic and Quaker. It seems we can find commonly understood language in many places at once...
I hope you are well...love and hugs... Missing you,
Clare
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Quakers and Buddhists
Clare,
I am glad you had a good time at the contra dance. I enjoy contra dancing at our spring weekend retreat every year. This year though they aren't having a contra dance…they're trying to see if people want something different….less and less people have been dancing over the past 5 years. I think they're offering an interactive theater experience this year.
The Buddhist afternoon was interesting. I found the teacher/priest to be amazingly informed and insightful, but arrogant at the same time. He said several things that stayed with me though. He was talking about community, I think, and he said, "our strengths do not connect us", and then continued on another path. So I held onto that until the question and answer period and asked, "if they don't connect us then do our weaknesses connect us?" He spent 15 minutes discussing weakness and vulnerability as the key to connection and genuinely being open to each other. It's interesting because when I do intakes at the clinic we ask strengths and weaknesses. Then as we are creating goals we have to write which strengths we are going to use to achieve those goals. Perhaps we have it wrong. Perhaps we should ask about the weaknesses we are going to use to create rapport and connection before the strengths can be developed.
We also talked about detachment. It's one of the concepts of Buddhism that confuse me the most. How can I be detached from the people I love? The discussion came to the "middle way" or finding a balance between attachment and aversion that allows connection without the need to possess or control. He also talked about being attached to a person without the attachment to specific expectations and outcomes. This hit home as I was thinking of my sons who are struggling with growing up and I want certain outcomes for them…success. I have to allow them to define success and let them assume the consequences for their choices. I can guide and offer advice, but not control them.
It's funny, opening exercises at Meeting this morning was a young woman reading poetry and she had a singing bowl, just like yesterday. I was comforted to see how close Quakers and Buddhists really are.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I am glad you had a good time at the contra dance. I enjoy contra dancing at our spring weekend retreat every year. This year though they aren't having a contra dance…they're trying to see if people want something different….less and less people have been dancing over the past 5 years. I think they're offering an interactive theater experience this year.
The Buddhist afternoon was interesting. I found the teacher/priest to be amazingly informed and insightful, but arrogant at the same time. He said several things that stayed with me though. He was talking about community, I think, and he said, "our strengths do not connect us", and then continued on another path. So I held onto that until the question and answer period and asked, "if they don't connect us then do our weaknesses connect us?" He spent 15 minutes discussing weakness and vulnerability as the key to connection and genuinely being open to each other. It's interesting because when I do intakes at the clinic we ask strengths and weaknesses. Then as we are creating goals we have to write which strengths we are going to use to achieve those goals. Perhaps we have it wrong. Perhaps we should ask about the weaknesses we are going to use to create rapport and connection before the strengths can be developed.
We also talked about detachment. It's one of the concepts of Buddhism that confuse me the most. How can I be detached from the people I love? The discussion came to the "middle way" or finding a balance between attachment and aversion that allows connection without the need to possess or control. He also talked about being attached to a person without the attachment to specific expectations and outcomes. This hit home as I was thinking of my sons who are struggling with growing up and I want certain outcomes for them…success. I have to allow them to define success and let them assume the consequences for their choices. I can guide and offer advice, but not control them.
It's funny, opening exercises at Meeting this morning was a young woman reading poetry and she had a singing bowl, just like yesterday. I was comforted to see how close Quakers and Buddhists really are.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
goofy
I woke up early this morning, because the sirens were going off in the village. I was suddenly in that place four years ago, when the sirens were my son and his mercy-lift, and the chaos, and not knowing and not getting answers. And being sent to a wrong room to wait, while my son thought he was alone, he thought no one knew he was there. He had no idea how many people were in the hospital and waiting at home or on the way - because of him.
It definitely seemed like a story for this week. A story of resurrection. He is still with us.
I woke up thinking, "I need more time." I stopped to wonder why,and the answer came: time to heal. I need time to heal. I'm not sure why I got this message now. I'll think about it. I am still getting over this week's one-two virus punch. I also woke up with a bit of a sinus headache.
We had a good turn out at the dance last night. The band told me our dance is the most fun of all the dances they do. I am flattered. The other band we routinely use says the same...I think it's because we have a goofy caller. He loves to get in among the dancers, then sets kids up to do something unexpected, and the dancers respond and join in.
Maybe life just needs a goofy caller in general. Someone who keeps us on our toes, and laughing, and interacting!
I often wish life had a better choral director. I prefer when life is a musical and we randomly break into song, thus says the sister who made you sing to the ocean last year. And we sounded beautiful!! We were beautiful!!
Today is a birthday brunch for my grandson,who will be 5 this week. He is so bright and amazing.
I hope you are having the weekend you need to have!
Love and hugs,
Clare
It definitely seemed like a story for this week. A story of resurrection. He is still with us.
I woke up thinking, "I need more time." I stopped to wonder why,and the answer came: time to heal. I need time to heal. I'm not sure why I got this message now. I'll think about it. I am still getting over this week's one-two virus punch. I also woke up with a bit of a sinus headache.
We had a good turn out at the dance last night. The band told me our dance is the most fun of all the dances they do. I am flattered. The other band we routinely use says the same...I think it's because we have a goofy caller. He loves to get in among the dancers, then sets kids up to do something unexpected, and the dancers respond and join in.
Maybe life just needs a goofy caller in general. Someone who keeps us on our toes, and laughing, and interacting!
I often wish life had a better choral director. I prefer when life is a musical and we randomly break into song, thus says the sister who made you sing to the ocean last year. And we sounded beautiful!! We were beautiful!!
Today is a birthday brunch for my grandson,who will be 5 this week. He is so bright and amazing.
I hope you are having the weekend you need to have!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Saturday, March 28, 2015
do-overs?
I'm at the end stage where everything is draining, I sound horrible, but can actually breathe again.
I will spend all day at meetinghouse, baking bread, preparing for a contra dance. We pay the band in bread!
I am taking the baby with me - for two reasons...First, her Mama's having a tough time. Second - it means I will have to leave early. I know I am exhausted, and I know I need to rest.
I have been thinking about parenting, especially as I watch my youngest. I have been noticing we give our kids what we wish had been given to us, even if it's not exactly what they need. I think that's why I homeschooled. I hated public school. I hated every single day of my existence there. Even though I found a niche, even though I was a successful student, I hated my life. And I was not wrong - there are so many problems with the system. And four of my kids value the way they were raised. The fifth mostly does...
With my youngest, when her toddler is having a tough time, she turns on Elmo and gives her snack food. It is distracting, but it only makes the problems worse. But this is my daughter's comfort - a good movie and some comfort food - a temporary escape. Here, I have learned my littlest one needs some mental stimulation. That kid is bright. She's not two yet, but can speak in full sentences. I have paper, pencils - for at the table ONLY. I have chalk for the chalkboard and the floor. But I can't just give it to her. I have to lie on the floor and draw. I have to sit with her and listen to music. She wants to be connected.
Toddlers take so much time and attention. It is hard work. And the more demanding they get, the more we just want them to be independent and do something. After we teach them to go away, we regret...
This time with my granddaughter may be my do-over with my kids. So often, I wished for do-overs...
I have tried to talk to my daughter, a little. And what I'd like to say in this opaquely public place that our Mom does not even know about is: I apologize, Mom. I apologize for every time I ever rolled my eyes at you!
Let me know what you learn about Buddhism this weekend.
Love and hugs,
Clare
I will spend all day at meetinghouse, baking bread, preparing for a contra dance. We pay the band in bread!
I am taking the baby with me - for two reasons...First, her Mama's having a tough time. Second - it means I will have to leave early. I know I am exhausted, and I know I need to rest.
I have been thinking about parenting, especially as I watch my youngest. I have been noticing we give our kids what we wish had been given to us, even if it's not exactly what they need. I think that's why I homeschooled. I hated public school. I hated every single day of my existence there. Even though I found a niche, even though I was a successful student, I hated my life. And I was not wrong - there are so many problems with the system. And four of my kids value the way they were raised. The fifth mostly does...
With my youngest, when her toddler is having a tough time, she turns on Elmo and gives her snack food. It is distracting, but it only makes the problems worse. But this is my daughter's comfort - a good movie and some comfort food - a temporary escape. Here, I have learned my littlest one needs some mental stimulation. That kid is bright. She's not two yet, but can speak in full sentences. I have paper, pencils - for at the table ONLY. I have chalk for the chalkboard and the floor. But I can't just give it to her. I have to lie on the floor and draw. I have to sit with her and listen to music. She wants to be connected.
Toddlers take so much time and attention. It is hard work. And the more demanding they get, the more we just want them to be independent and do something. After we teach them to go away, we regret...
This time with my granddaughter may be my do-over with my kids. So often, I wished for do-overs...
I have tried to talk to my daughter, a little. And what I'd like to say in this opaquely public place that our Mom does not even know about is: I apologize, Mom. I apologize for every time I ever rolled my eyes at you!
Let me know what you learn about Buddhism this weekend.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Friday, March 27, 2015
retreat tomorrow
I'm sorry you aren't well. I'm finally starting to feel more human. Although I overslept this morning…I never do that.
My sons made it through another marking period. Both are passing their courses at this point. I think that's a victory of some sort.
My oldest is home for a friend's bridal shower…I cannot believe her friends are getting married and having babies. She still sees it all in the 5 - 10 year plan for herself…but she is definitely grown up now. we went and got pizza tonight, it was fun…just relaxing with a glass of wine and a slice of pizza. I really enjoy spending time with her. My second is doing an interactive prom themed show over the next few weekends, and then a one act play at school in 2 weeks. I haven't seen much of her lately because of rehearsals.
My talk went well. I told students what my agency could do to support them as professionals. It's not a talk that I enjoy giving, but I like to meet people so that is a bonus.
I had a long talk with my boss today. The board hired an new director and none of us feels very secure that our positions are going to be continued. I asked if she knew what will happen when my 6 month contract is finished…
I feel as if I am "Last in First out"…
she said that she expects to be "First in First out" because her salary is highest.
Oh well, I still have my counseling position.
I had a strange week counseling…
people told me their secrets that they've been hiding from me for months…
this time period is doing really strange things to a lot of people. I hope that we all survive it.
I think that I'm undramatic because I was taught to avoid attention…
"You're to bee seen, not heard"
That's one quote that I remember well.
So, if I stay out of drama, let people walk over me, or serve everyone else's needs without addressing my own, then I will be successfully invisible…
or less than noticeable.
Husband and I are going to a Buddhist retreat tomorrow. It's an overview of the practices, beliefs, etc. I'm really looking forward to it. I'll let you know how it goes.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
My sons made it through another marking period. Both are passing their courses at this point. I think that's a victory of some sort.
My oldest is home for a friend's bridal shower…I cannot believe her friends are getting married and having babies. She still sees it all in the 5 - 10 year plan for herself…but she is definitely grown up now. we went and got pizza tonight, it was fun…just relaxing with a glass of wine and a slice of pizza. I really enjoy spending time with her. My second is doing an interactive prom themed show over the next few weekends, and then a one act play at school in 2 weeks. I haven't seen much of her lately because of rehearsals.
My talk went well. I told students what my agency could do to support them as professionals. It's not a talk that I enjoy giving, but I like to meet people so that is a bonus.
I had a long talk with my boss today. The board hired an new director and none of us feels very secure that our positions are going to be continued. I asked if she knew what will happen when my 6 month contract is finished…
I feel as if I am "Last in First out"…
she said that she expects to be "First in First out" because her salary is highest.
Oh well, I still have my counseling position.
I had a strange week counseling…
people told me their secrets that they've been hiding from me for months…
this time period is doing really strange things to a lot of people. I hope that we all survive it.
I think that I'm undramatic because I was taught to avoid attention…
"You're to bee seen, not heard"
That's one quote that I remember well.
So, if I stay out of drama, let people walk over me, or serve everyone else's needs without addressing my own, then I will be successfully invisible…
or less than noticeable.
Husband and I are going to a Buddhist retreat tomorrow. It's an overview of the practices, beliefs, etc. I'm really looking forward to it. I'll let you know how it goes.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Cough...cough
Congested. Hoarse. Didn't sleep last night, because I couldn't breathe...sigh. 'Tis a week of complaining. I want an escape!!!
I want an escape from the snow that is falling --- again. It seems like a big cosmic joke. Can't we just slip away to Hawaii, and let me believe in warmth and sunshine and seashells once again? And fresh picked fruit, sun-warmed and juicy...
I had kind of an emotional day. I found myself furious with B#1 and B#2 for all the damage they caused to you and S#3. I was mad at Dad for being generally mean and getting away with it for all of his life. I was just unsettled and off, I guess...Another solstice coming in about a week...
My neighbor has been involved with a drama, a situation that can get stupid-ugly if she plays the drama game with the leading character. I was suggesting that she stay out of it and trust the process. She doesn't have to respond. She asked me how long it took me to get like this - nondramatic.
I don't know. I was a pretty dramatic kid. I remember screaming at sibs, really feeling like I was suffering at the hands of sibs. I remember some dramatic highs and long-lasting lows.
When did I stop the bullshit???
AlAnon definitely helped. I could definitely play the long-suffering victim and martyr wife. AlAnon taught me to hug her and laugh at her. And to just laugh...which I still don't do enough.
And I did a workshop on conflict resolution today. I worked discussing and using on all the right words and phrases, but what it came down to was authenticity. We need more than the right words...We can't pretend we are listening...We can't pretend we are present.
And that's about as deep as I can go today. I think my brain is oxygen deprived from my day full of mouth breathing!
Love and hugs from a distance...you definitely don;t want to get close to me!!
Clare
I want an escape from the snow that is falling --- again. It seems like a big cosmic joke. Can't we just slip away to Hawaii, and let me believe in warmth and sunshine and seashells once again? And fresh picked fruit, sun-warmed and juicy...
I had kind of an emotional day. I found myself furious with B#1 and B#2 for all the damage they caused to you and S#3. I was mad at Dad for being generally mean and getting away with it for all of his life. I was just unsettled and off, I guess...Another solstice coming in about a week...
My neighbor has been involved with a drama, a situation that can get stupid-ugly if she plays the drama game with the leading character. I was suggesting that she stay out of it and trust the process. She doesn't have to respond. She asked me how long it took me to get like this - nondramatic.
I don't know. I was a pretty dramatic kid. I remember screaming at sibs, really feeling like I was suffering at the hands of sibs. I remember some dramatic highs and long-lasting lows.
When did I stop the bullshit???
AlAnon definitely helped. I could definitely play the long-suffering victim and martyr wife. AlAnon taught me to hug her and laugh at her. And to just laugh...which I still don't do enough.
And I did a workshop on conflict resolution today. I worked discussing and using on all the right words and phrases, but what it came down to was authenticity. We need more than the right words...We can't pretend we are listening...We can't pretend we are present.
And that's about as deep as I can go today. I think my brain is oxygen deprived from my day full of mouth breathing!
Love and hugs from a distance...you definitely don;t want to get close to me!!
Clare
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
and then...
It gets even funnier. Just as my stomach calmed, my head began to congest. It was beautifully synchronized. I am now stuffy and my throat is getting sore. I think my body was so well-prepared for some down time at the island, it's nose-diving now and forcing me to rest another way.
But we have a contra dance this weekend, and a birthday brunch for my younger grandson. Followed by Easter stuff...Not going to be very restful, here!
I had the baby for much of today. I was thinking about my comment about babies breaking down when safe with Mama. Last night, my daughter went upstairs,with just the baby, called me and had a breakdown. So I told her to send the little darlin' here and to just sleep.
The baby was a delight. And Mama got to take a bath. She said she couldn't sleep, but Boyfriend pointed out things she missed because she slept. She looked so much better. She isn't wearing her pain face anymore.
And so far, Mama and babe are avoiding the bug, but it seems Boyfriend is getting something...
I like the idea of thinking about recognizing opportunities. Then we need the next step of being brave enough, worthy enough, to take them.
How did your talk go?
I had another crazy dream. Maybe this is what the solstice did to me...I'm remembering dreams vividly every night and they seem to mean something. Last night there was a man with dark hair, wearing a translucent face mask every where I went. Right at the end he pulled up the mask. He had a square head and a crooked nose. And I said, "Oh, it's you." and woke up.
Maybe I am remembering more dreams because I am up and down all night long...
Here's to a good night's rest -for both of us.
Love and hugs,
Clare
But we have a contra dance this weekend, and a birthday brunch for my younger grandson. Followed by Easter stuff...Not going to be very restful, here!
I had the baby for much of today. I was thinking about my comment about babies breaking down when safe with Mama. Last night, my daughter went upstairs,with just the baby, called me and had a breakdown. So I told her to send the little darlin' here and to just sleep.
The baby was a delight. And Mama got to take a bath. She said she couldn't sleep, but Boyfriend pointed out things she missed because she slept. She looked so much better. She isn't wearing her pain face anymore.
And so far, Mama and babe are avoiding the bug, but it seems Boyfriend is getting something...
I like the idea of thinking about recognizing opportunities. Then we need the next step of being brave enough, worthy enough, to take them.
How did your talk go?
I had another crazy dream. Maybe this is what the solstice did to me...I'm remembering dreams vividly every night and they seem to mean something. Last night there was a man with dark hair, wearing a translucent face mask every where I went. Right at the end he pulled up the mask. He had a square head and a crooked nose. And I said, "Oh, it's you." and woke up.
Maybe I am remembering more dreams because I am up and down all night long...
Here's to a good night's rest -for both of us.
Love and hugs,
Clare
still dragging
Clare,
I'm so sorry to hear about the stomach bug. I hope your daughter and granddaughter don't pick it up…
that would be even harder than having it yourself.
I am still tired from my run with it…
but I've been trying hard to replenish my gut with prebiotics, probiotics and healthy foods…
and I have been forcing myself out to walk every day.
As I walked yesterday I thought how this becomes an every day habit quickly…
but at first it is a conscious choice to push myself to put on the walking shoes and go.
I have to figure out a good time to consistently go that works with my present work schedule.
This morning I journaled about appreciating and recognizing opportunities. I hope that will stick in my brain today.
I'm off to Scranton today…to speak to a social work class…I hope to see some of my professors and friends from my Masters program.
Aren't halupkis polish…or pigs in a blanket?
Love and Light,
Maggie
A few TED talks you might enjoy
http://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime
http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend?language=en
I'm so sorry to hear about the stomach bug. I hope your daughter and granddaughter don't pick it up…
that would be even harder than having it yourself.
I am still tired from my run with it…
but I've been trying hard to replenish my gut with prebiotics, probiotics and healthy foods…
and I have been forcing myself out to walk every day.
As I walked yesterday I thought how this becomes an every day habit quickly…
but at first it is a conscious choice to push myself to put on the walking shoes and go.
I have to figure out a good time to consistently go that works with my present work schedule.
This morning I journaled about appreciating and recognizing opportunities. I hope that will stick in my brain today.
I'm off to Scranton today…to speak to a social work class…I hope to see some of my professors and friends from my Masters program.
Aren't halupkis polish…or pigs in a blanket?
Love and Light,
Maggie
A few TED talks you might enjoy
http://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime
http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend?language=en
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
not quite okay
Hi Honey,
I'm not okay, but it's nothing to worry about. Sunday evening I started with the digestive bug all you sisters seemed to share. I wasn't able to eat anything until this afternoon, and now my stomach is roiling. I don't think it is over.
And my youngest had her stitches removed today. The doc was impressed by how quickly she is healing, but they are making her wear the immobilizer for two more weeks. She was pretty devastated by that news. And I think her babe is getting two year molars. And the babe can't express herself, and so she is clinging and crying and refusing to sleep. And so Mama can't sleep. And she is having nightmares when she does sleep. I am wondering about painkillers in her field, her body, in the baby via breastmilk...
The one thing I remember about kids, is that the feel safest with mama, and so they let their behavior breakdown the worst for mama. It's tough.
I have been blocking myself at work to keep my load as light as possible. And I canceled a meeting for tomorrow night. And I told my daughter to send the baby here tomorrow as soon as I am done with work. Then she can sleep all afternoon.
There's just too much going on.
But the crazy dreams continue. Sunday night I would fall asleep and dream I was eating ethnic food. Then I would jerk awake and make a run for the bathroom. I remember dreaming about Polish food. I woke up and realized the only Polish food I know is pierogies.
Love and hugs from afar...
Clare
I'm not okay, but it's nothing to worry about. Sunday evening I started with the digestive bug all you sisters seemed to share. I wasn't able to eat anything until this afternoon, and now my stomach is roiling. I don't think it is over.
And my youngest had her stitches removed today. The doc was impressed by how quickly she is healing, but they are making her wear the immobilizer for two more weeks. She was pretty devastated by that news. And I think her babe is getting two year molars. And the babe can't express herself, and so she is clinging and crying and refusing to sleep. And so Mama can't sleep. And she is having nightmares when she does sleep. I am wondering about painkillers in her field, her body, in the baby via breastmilk...
The one thing I remember about kids, is that the feel safest with mama, and so they let their behavior breakdown the worst for mama. It's tough.
I have been blocking myself at work to keep my load as light as possible. And I canceled a meeting for tomorrow night. And I told my daughter to send the baby here tomorrow as soon as I am done with work. Then she can sleep all afternoon.
There's just too much going on.
But the crazy dreams continue. Sunday night I would fall asleep and dream I was eating ethnic food. Then I would jerk awake and make a run for the bathroom. I remember dreaming about Polish food. I woke up and realized the only Polish food I know is pierogies.
Love and hugs from afar...
Clare
lessons from life
Clare,
Are you Ok?
I'm sure you're very busy…
or distracted by solar flares.
I'm still exhausted…
but taking matters into my own hands.
As of Saturday (I'm totally committed, LOL) I am eating better and exercising.
I actually do feel a little better…
but still dragging.
There isn't much happening here. I'm still swirling around the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I have no real leadings. After several weeks of feeling wiped out I've been thinking this whole working outside of the home might be disposable. I like the challenge, but I'm truly tired.
I was so happy to have a snow day last Friday. Yesterday I wandered aimlessly, doing a little of this and a little of that…no real sense of goal oriented purpose.
I'm not sure what's going on.
My sons are pushing me…
still trying to get away with substance use…
but they are less combative and more conversational when they are caught.
Husband is going through a tough time with an employee…
it looks like they might get sued for firing her…
and she hasn't been fired yet.
Life is crazy…all of the different crap that bets thrown onto your plate.
Sometimes I just want to say, "No Thank You".
Then I remember to open and learn from whatever is happening….
good, bad, or ugly.
So I'm taking lessons from the book of life.
I hope it turns happy or easier soon.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Are you Ok?
I'm sure you're very busy…
or distracted by solar flares.
I'm still exhausted…
but taking matters into my own hands.
As of Saturday (I'm totally committed, LOL) I am eating better and exercising.
I actually do feel a little better…
but still dragging.
There isn't much happening here. I'm still swirling around the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I have no real leadings. After several weeks of feeling wiped out I've been thinking this whole working outside of the home might be disposable. I like the challenge, but I'm truly tired.
I was so happy to have a snow day last Friday. Yesterday I wandered aimlessly, doing a little of this and a little of that…no real sense of goal oriented purpose.
I'm not sure what's going on.
My sons are pushing me…
still trying to get away with substance use…
but they are less combative and more conversational when they are caught.
Husband is going through a tough time with an employee…
it looks like they might get sued for firing her…
and she hasn't been fired yet.
Life is crazy…all of the different crap that bets thrown onto your plate.
Sometimes I just want to say, "No Thank You".
Then I remember to open and learn from whatever is happening….
good, bad, or ugly.
So I'm taking lessons from the book of life.
I hope it turns happy or easier soon.
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, March 22, 2015
still dragging
Clare,
I'm glad your kids had the opportunity to bond with their second cousins. I'm sure that you and S#3 will have an opportunity to talk in the near future.
The one thing I've read about dreams is that house dreams have to do with your soul. You are in a transformative period. Finding a new room with openings seems as if you're still getting transformative messages.
I wonder if your dreams have anything to do with the Equinox/Eclipse/ Supermoon is affecting you at this point. It seems to be strongly affecting a lot of people.
I had a good time last evening. We had a great discussion over dinner.
I didn't have any obvious insights during the evening, but we shall see.
Another week is ahead of us. I am going to a university on Wednesday …I love talking to classes.
I hope to see some old friends too.
I'm still dragging my butt.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm glad your kids had the opportunity to bond with their second cousins. I'm sure that you and S#3 will have an opportunity to talk in the near future.
The one thing I've read about dreams is that house dreams have to do with your soul. You are in a transformative period. Finding a new room with openings seems as if you're still getting transformative messages.
I wonder if your dreams have anything to do with the Equinox/Eclipse/ Supermoon is affecting you at this point. It seems to be strongly affecting a lot of people.
I had a good time last evening. We had a great discussion over dinner.
I didn't have any obvious insights during the evening, but we shall see.
Another week is ahead of us. I am going to a university on Wednesday …I love talking to classes.
I hope to see some old friends too.
I'm still dragging my butt.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
yet another dream
We had a wild day. S#3 arrived with four kids, we ended up with three of mine for the night. Chaos ensued. I really love that the kids are getting to know each other, and hopefully developing a sense of family. But last night was very child oriented, so I never got to sit down with S#3 and just talk. She said - next time, no kids!
I did not sleep much last night. I had a dream I kept going back into. This seems to be my week for remembering dreams...
I was in the house we lived in when Dad came home from Viet Nam. Do you remember the little half bath under the stairs in the front hall? The hall led to the front door. I opened the door for that bathroom, and instead, there was a stairway that went up. I noticed it was cold because there were a lot of holes open down into the basement. I was putting down cardboard and old pieces of carpet to block the air, when one of my sons, who sort of morphed into B#3, noticed a door at the top of the stairs. He went up and I followed him. It was a bedroom, sort of, from the 1940s, maybe. There was a big old rotary phone one the wall - the kind you had to use to call the operator, rather than dialing yourself. It was black.
The walls were green. There was a big smear of red paint, or maybe blood - but it was a bright color - on the wall. There were some old toys, a closet with clothes hanging on hangars.
I don't remember much more. I only went up once. But I kept checking to see if it was still there. And I kept reminding myself to remember...remember the room.
I also remember wondering what happened in the 1940s. And realizing there was no connection to our family, except for the years we lived there. Dad sold that house back to the people we bought it from. They regretted selling because it had been in their family for some generations.
From - http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/r3.htm:
To dream that you find or discover a new room suggests that you are developing new strengths and taking on new roles. You may be growing emotionally. Consider what you find in the discovered room as it may indicate repressed memories, fears, or rejected emotions. Alternatively, such rooms are symbolic of neglected skills or rejected potential.
So, am I developing something new or repressing something old...or maybe uncovering something repressed, so I can develop something new...
Consider what I find in the room - the old telephone - maybe that is my refusal to get a cell phone, keeping me out of the text connections within the family. Green - the color of the heart. Old toys, old clothes - ways I used to amuse myself or camouflage myself?
Hope you are having an interesting weekend!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I did not sleep much last night. I had a dream I kept going back into. This seems to be my week for remembering dreams...
I was in the house we lived in when Dad came home from Viet Nam. Do you remember the little half bath under the stairs in the front hall? The hall led to the front door. I opened the door for that bathroom, and instead, there was a stairway that went up. I noticed it was cold because there were a lot of holes open down into the basement. I was putting down cardboard and old pieces of carpet to block the air, when one of my sons, who sort of morphed into B#3, noticed a door at the top of the stairs. He went up and I followed him. It was a bedroom, sort of, from the 1940s, maybe. There was a big old rotary phone one the wall - the kind you had to use to call the operator, rather than dialing yourself. It was black.
The walls were green. There was a big smear of red paint, or maybe blood - but it was a bright color - on the wall. There were some old toys, a closet with clothes hanging on hangars.
I don't remember much more. I only went up once. But I kept checking to see if it was still there. And I kept reminding myself to remember...remember the room.
I also remember wondering what happened in the 1940s. And realizing there was no connection to our family, except for the years we lived there. Dad sold that house back to the people we bought it from. They regretted selling because it had been in their family for some generations.
From - http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/r3.htm:
To dream that you find or discover a new room suggests that you are developing new strengths and taking on new roles. You may be growing emotionally. Consider what you find in the discovered room as it may indicate repressed memories, fears, or rejected emotions. Alternatively, such rooms are symbolic of neglected skills or rejected potential.
So, am I developing something new or repressing something old...or maybe uncovering something repressed, so I can develop something new...
Consider what I find in the room - the old telephone - maybe that is my refusal to get a cell phone, keeping me out of the text connections within the family. Green - the color of the heart. Old toys, old clothes - ways I used to amuse myself or camouflage myself?
Hope you are having an interesting weekend!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Saturday, March 21, 2015
moment of calm
Good morning...
It's so nice when the alarm doesn't go off!
The strangest thing happened yesterday. While I was working, I was taking notes, as always, and I glanced at my writing, and saw I had formed a letter like Grammy - my handwriting looked like hers in one little place. I have been feeling a lot like a weirdo this week, sort of applying the title to me (which does not seem like an offense...I kind of like it) and seeing Grammy in myself was cool but strange. Makes me wonder where my brain is.
The down side of yesterday was that my old dog jumped up on my bed and peed. I have been watching her and I think she is beginning to have some kidney failure and dementia. She can't seem to remember that she was out 5 minutes ago. She is 12, and she did have a harder life before she came to me about a year and a half ago. She doesn't seem old, but her body may be feeling it differently.
Last night I dreamed about making soup and looking for information in books. I felt calm and engaged.
You said you are in an expiration cycle. I think you are nearing the end of that cycle. Time for a little quiet and some healing. You'll find it...maybe at dinner tonight. I read a beautiful article once that said life's interruptions are actually divine appointments.
I never thought about cycle the way you described it. In considering, it came to me that right now I am in that spot, that moment of complete calm, that occurs between inspiration and expiration. I have been cocooning, or hibernating, out here for years...It's been a long, quiet inspiration, maybe.
In reading the Zebras book, I see our lifetime of stress, and the impact on the generations. I have begun diagnosing, and need to do some research already. I read about Addisonian crises and could see a similarity to the low blood pressure, and even low blood sugar my kids and I experience when under stress. There has even been some loss of consciousness when neither flightnor fright is an option...
I have never identified you as an introvert. I definitely identifymyself as an introvert, though!
Love and hugs until tomorrow,
Clare
It's so nice when the alarm doesn't go off!
The strangest thing happened yesterday. While I was working, I was taking notes, as always, and I glanced at my writing, and saw I had formed a letter like Grammy - my handwriting looked like hers in one little place. I have been feeling a lot like a weirdo this week, sort of applying the title to me (which does not seem like an offense...I kind of like it) and seeing Grammy in myself was cool but strange. Makes me wonder where my brain is.
The down side of yesterday was that my old dog jumped up on my bed and peed. I have been watching her and I think she is beginning to have some kidney failure and dementia. She can't seem to remember that she was out 5 minutes ago. She is 12, and she did have a harder life before she came to me about a year and a half ago. She doesn't seem old, but her body may be feeling it differently.
Last night I dreamed about making soup and looking for information in books. I felt calm and engaged.
You said you are in an expiration cycle. I think you are nearing the end of that cycle. Time for a little quiet and some healing. You'll find it...maybe at dinner tonight. I read a beautiful article once that said life's interruptions are actually divine appointments.
I never thought about cycle the way you described it. In considering, it came to me that right now I am in that spot, that moment of complete calm, that occurs between inspiration and expiration. I have been cocooning, or hibernating, out here for years...It's been a long, quiet inspiration, maybe.
In reading the Zebras book, I see our lifetime of stress, and the impact on the generations. I have begun diagnosing, and need to do some research already. I read about Addisonian crises and could see a similarity to the low blood pressure, and even low blood sugar my kids and I experience when under stress. There has even been some loss of consciousness when neither flightnor fright is an option...
I have never identified you as an introvert. I definitely identifymyself as an introvert, though!
Love and hugs until tomorrow,
Clare
cycles
Clare,
You are correct, we cannot will change to happen. I have been praying for open-ness to change.
Open my heart...
Open my ears...
Open my eyes…
Help me to recognize the Divine in all things around me.
I'm on an expiration cycle.
I've explained this image of a living, breathing Divine to you before…
I think.
The image is that during an inhalation- INSPIRATION- We are drawn close to the center…
it is warm and full of all that we need…
and we are filled.
The cycle continues to expiration - we are sent forth to share that with the world and those we come into contact with…
until we are depleted.
Then the cycle repeats.
I am at that point of depletion…or so I think I am.
I need that warm embrace again.
The important thing that I recognize is the cyclic nature of all of this.
I've heard about the cosmic happenings and wonder how they affect me, personally. I have not felt well this week- but I had a virus. I haven't had the energy to do anything but the basic demands of life this week. I've been falling asleep in the evening. I've been stifled in my thinking. I loved the snow day- we had about 5 inches of snow- yesterday because I worked from home and at a leisurely pace. I also listened to music and did laundry in the midst of my "job" activities. I even made soup.
Today my Meeting is hosting an activity called Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? People volunteer to host or be guests, they are paired up (4-5 guests per host) and told where to go and what food to bring (salad, main, dessert) and the hosts know how many to expect. So, no one knows who will show up at their door. I helped to arrange it, so I know where everyone is going. I wasn't going to participate, but we needed additional guests for one of the hosts, so I got sucked into it. I am mixed…I don't like to go out, but once there I will enjoy myself. I'm such an introvert…but a social introvert.
I hope that you have a great time with S#3 and the kids.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
You are correct, we cannot will change to happen. I have been praying for open-ness to change.
Open my heart...
Open my ears...
Open my eyes…
Help me to recognize the Divine in all things around me.
I'm on an expiration cycle.
I've explained this image of a living, breathing Divine to you before…
I think.
The image is that during an inhalation- INSPIRATION- We are drawn close to the center…
it is warm and full of all that we need…
and we are filled.
The cycle continues to expiration - we are sent forth to share that with the world and those we come into contact with…
until we are depleted.
Then the cycle repeats.
I am at that point of depletion…or so I think I am.
I need that warm embrace again.
The important thing that I recognize is the cyclic nature of all of this.
I've heard about the cosmic happenings and wonder how they affect me, personally. I have not felt well this week- but I had a virus. I haven't had the energy to do anything but the basic demands of life this week. I've been falling asleep in the evening. I've been stifled in my thinking. I loved the snow day- we had about 5 inches of snow- yesterday because I worked from home and at a leisurely pace. I also listened to music and did laundry in the midst of my "job" activities. I even made soup.
Today my Meeting is hosting an activity called Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? People volunteer to host or be guests, they are paired up (4-5 guests per host) and told where to go and what food to bring (salad, main, dessert) and the hosts know how many to expect. So, no one knows who will show up at their door. I helped to arrange it, so I know where everyone is going. I wasn't going to participate, but we needed additional guests for one of the hosts, so I got sucked into it. I am mixed…I don't like to go out, but once there I will enjoy myself. I'm such an introvert…but a social introvert.
I hope that you have a great time with S#3 and the kids.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Friday, March 20, 2015
will it?
Hi Sweet Sister,
How was your day? Did you get a snow day? We got a dusting. The wind was the worst part of the day.
Thinking about transformation. I think we can prepare, but I don't think we can will it to happen. As I wrote that, I realized it would be the epitome of being trapped in yellow chakra. Hold onto your faith. Changes come in their right time.
Think about the butterfly. I suppose refusal to cocoon means death. But cocooning leads to transformation, and when it is time, something new unfolds...
So we had a total eclipse on equinox during a supermoon, and amid a solar storm. This may be why we are all cranky.
Usually during an eclipse I get hit with something new. So far, nothing to report here.
I started reading Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. I've also been reading and rereading the Omega catalog.
S#3 and her grandbrood will be here tomorrow. They've been trying to come since the beginning of February, but bad weather and bad health have kept them home. Tomorrow, though, I'll get a bit of family love!
My oldest and her dad are visiting the west-coasters. I asked for lots and lots of pictures. They will be home next week...
Not much going on here. Long day, and maybe I'm just a touch Fridayed out...end of the brain dead. I'll check in tomorrow morning, and maybe my brain will have revived. No alarm at 5 am is such a gift!
Hugsand love,
Clare
How was your day? Did you get a snow day? We got a dusting. The wind was the worst part of the day.
Thinking about transformation. I think we can prepare, but I don't think we can will it to happen. As I wrote that, I realized it would be the epitome of being trapped in yellow chakra. Hold onto your faith. Changes come in their right time.
Think about the butterfly. I suppose refusal to cocoon means death. But cocooning leads to transformation, and when it is time, something new unfolds...
So we had a total eclipse on equinox during a supermoon, and amid a solar storm. This may be why we are all cranky.
Usually during an eclipse I get hit with something new. So far, nothing to report here.
I started reading Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. I've also been reading and rereading the Omega catalog.
S#3 and her grandbrood will be here tomorrow. They've been trying to come since the beginning of February, but bad weather and bad health have kept them home. Tomorrow, though, I'll get a bit of family love!
My oldest and her dad are visiting the west-coasters. I asked for lots and lots of pictures. They will be home next week...
Not much going on here. Long day, and maybe I'm just a touch Fridayed out...end of the brain dead. I'll check in tomorrow morning, and maybe my brain will have revived. No alarm at 5 am is such a gift!
Hugsand love,
Clare
Thursday, March 19, 2015
catching up.
Clare,
I feel as if I need a deep transformation. Perhaps it is time to shed my skin and grow.
I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern, stagnant, waiting…
then I remind myself that the universe has perfect timing.
I'm fitting the same battles…
sons who want to numb with drugs…
both are succeeding in school at this point...
so, how do I judge outcomes?
total sobriety?
functionality?
how well they hide it?
I woke up in the middle of the night (about 1 am) smelling something odd. I walked into my son's room and he was about to go outside to smoke THC oil. I told him I was disappointed and felt he knew he was not allowed to have that in our home. I didn't smash the pipe like I usually do…
was that giving in?
I don't want to give in…
or give up.
I want them to respect rules and laws.
I don't know how to parent this.
I talked with 3 people today who needed to hear the break open message today. I actually delivered that message to 3 clients today who are allowing the drama of their friends and family to distract them from real relationship and inner work. It's crazy that you have the breaking open quote here tonight. I would love to have that quote on a poster and put it in my office. I'll have to investigate.
More snow tomorrow. Hopefully this is the final storm of the season. I actually could really use a snow day as I'm still dragging from the virus and trip. I'm slowly catching up. I'm hoping to work from home tomorrow. But, that means I've got a 3 day weekend with the boys and husband is on call. I may be more stressed after the weekend than before.
Still too tired to challenge my brain.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I feel as if I need a deep transformation. Perhaps it is time to shed my skin and grow.
I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern, stagnant, waiting…
then I remind myself that the universe has perfect timing.
I'm fitting the same battles…
sons who want to numb with drugs…
both are succeeding in school at this point...
so, how do I judge outcomes?
total sobriety?
functionality?
how well they hide it?
I woke up in the middle of the night (about 1 am) smelling something odd. I walked into my son's room and he was about to go outside to smoke THC oil. I told him I was disappointed and felt he knew he was not allowed to have that in our home. I didn't smash the pipe like I usually do…
was that giving in?
I don't want to give in…
or give up.
I want them to respect rules and laws.
I don't know how to parent this.
I talked with 3 people today who needed to hear the break open message today. I actually delivered that message to 3 clients today who are allowing the drama of their friends and family to distract them from real relationship and inner work. It's crazy that you have the breaking open quote here tonight. I would love to have that quote on a poster and put it in my office. I'll have to investigate.
More snow tomorrow. Hopefully this is the final storm of the season. I actually could really use a snow day as I'm still dragging from the virus and trip. I'm slowly catching up. I'm hoping to work from home tomorrow. But, that means I've got a 3 day weekend with the boys and husband is on call. I may be more stressed after the weekend than before.
Still too tired to challenge my brain.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Wow
Wow,
You're amazing. You found some really interesting dream-meaning possibilities.
I watched the baby yesterdayafternoon, then boyfriend picked her up later than expected. After she left, I had to finish reports, then prepare the agenda for a committee meeting. I opened my email and found the other members of the committee wanted to postpone. Cool. Nephew and I went out to watch for the Northern Lights. We saw a glow through the thin cloud cover, but never saw the dancing lights. We drove down the road a ways to try to get past all the trees. No lights, but we got to sit and talk for awhile - mostly about family history and what it means.
So I never made it here.
I found a very thought provoking quote from a favorite novelist, and wanted to share it with you.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed. or left, or hurt, or death brushes near you, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. -Louise Erdrich
I read this yesterday, and have been pondering since. It hit hard. It made me feel like I am not living enough. Now, I wonder...are we supposed to be broken? Does that make us sweeter? Kinder? More real?
Risk...what do I risk? Just enough, I think. But not quite enough.
I survive, but I don't thrive. I feel lost in her words...
I was looking at a friend's latest pictures on social media, and noticed she gained weight. I noticed her boyfriend was still with her. I picked up that little nugget of belief, turned it over, studied it, and realized I didn't know I was carrying that around. Fat = unworthy of love. This is kind of the way I felt when analyzing my reactions to the sister's weekend. I feel very calm, serene. These beliefs catch me off-guard and I am acknowledging them and releasing them.
Feels right.
Ok - snake imagery...I love the idea of being on the verge of deep transformation and hope that is the message. I think it was a wake-up call. There was some level of don't do what everyone else is doing, and I remember thinking, "Don't trust the people who let the snake bite them."
In the dream I went from frightened to calm. I think that is important. It seems that if there is a threat, in the end I am unharmed. In the end the snakes were still in my lap, equally calm and relaxed.
Two snakes - the caduceus. I like that. I will have to think about that! And they were both very green - that is a healing color.
With the snow - it was both dirty and melting. Maybe I am releasing tainted parts of myself - the parts I don't accept. I was looking for something in the snow, something valuable. Maybe it will be a new skill or talent.
The two dreams seem to be a little more connected than I had thought.
Thank you!
I have been working with someone for a few months, someone I hit it off with quickly. I was aware that this person had a chronic health problem, and finally asked if she would mind sharing it with me. She is dying. It will probably be in the next few months. I took my cues from her, and didn't gush. I just acknowledged it. I had so many feelings. There was this feeling that I am open to someone who is close to transitioning and the universe felt spacier and open and warmer and...and there was an awareness, maybe streaming from this sweet soul.
Why does a brush with death make us feel so alive?
Still calm, still looking at myself...Hope everyone in the family is past the flu!
Love and hugs,
Clare
You're amazing. You found some really interesting dream-meaning possibilities.
I watched the baby yesterdayafternoon, then boyfriend picked her up later than expected. After she left, I had to finish reports, then prepare the agenda for a committee meeting. I opened my email and found the other members of the committee wanted to postpone. Cool. Nephew and I went out to watch for the Northern Lights. We saw a glow through the thin cloud cover, but never saw the dancing lights. We drove down the road a ways to try to get past all the trees. No lights, but we got to sit and talk for awhile - mostly about family history and what it means.
So I never made it here.
I found a very thought provoking quote from a favorite novelist, and wanted to share it with you.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed. or left, or hurt, or death brushes near you, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. -Louise Erdrich
I read this yesterday, and have been pondering since. It hit hard. It made me feel like I am not living enough. Now, I wonder...are we supposed to be broken? Does that make us sweeter? Kinder? More real?
Risk...what do I risk? Just enough, I think. But not quite enough.
I survive, but I don't thrive. I feel lost in her words...
I was looking at a friend's latest pictures on social media, and noticed she gained weight. I noticed her boyfriend was still with her. I picked up that little nugget of belief, turned it over, studied it, and realized I didn't know I was carrying that around. Fat = unworthy of love. This is kind of the way I felt when analyzing my reactions to the sister's weekend. I feel very calm, serene. These beliefs catch me off-guard and I am acknowledging them and releasing them.
Feels right.
Ok - snake imagery...I love the idea of being on the verge of deep transformation and hope that is the message. I think it was a wake-up call. There was some level of don't do what everyone else is doing, and I remember thinking, "Don't trust the people who let the snake bite them."
In the dream I went from frightened to calm. I think that is important. It seems that if there is a threat, in the end I am unharmed. In the end the snakes were still in my lap, equally calm and relaxed.
Two snakes - the caduceus. I like that. I will have to think about that! And they were both very green - that is a healing color.
With the snow - it was both dirty and melting. Maybe I am releasing tainted parts of myself - the parts I don't accept. I was looking for something in the snow, something valuable. Maybe it will be a new skill or talent.
The two dreams seem to be a little more connected than I had thought.
Thank you!
I have been working with someone for a few months, someone I hit it off with quickly. I was aware that this person had a chronic health problem, and finally asked if she would mind sharing it with me. She is dying. It will probably be in the next few months. I took my cues from her, and didn't gush. I just acknowledged it. I had so many feelings. There was this feeling that I am open to someone who is close to transitioning and the universe felt spacier and open and warmer and...and there was an awareness, maybe streaming from this sweet soul.
Why does a brush with death make us feel so alive?
Still calm, still looking at myself...Hope everyone in the family is past the flu!
Love and hugs,
Clare
catching up
The most common scenario involving this crawling reptile in your sleep is dreaming of being bitten by snake. There are several ways to interpret the meaning of this type of dream.
- Meaning #1: Dreaming about a snake biting is a wake up call to pay attention to a situation or a behavior that is “poisonous” in your life.
- Meaning #2: The dream means that you’re on the verge of deep transformation and personal growth.
Snake Bite Dream Meanings
- The snake bite symbolizes a wake up call
- Warning about a situation, activity, behavior or thought that are “poisonous” in your life.
- Warning about something that paralyzes your ability to make a choice in order to take the next step in your life or a relationship
- Resistance to what is perceived as a “temptation” or a situation that challenges your beliefs or values
- Sign that you’re on the verge of a deep personal transformation
I pulled these from a website.
And another…
Snake refers to fear:
For many, the image of a snake can invoke fear. Snakes are unpredictable and can strike at anytime without warning. Thus a snake in your dream may represent something in your life that is unpredictable and out of your control. You are afraid of the unknown.
Snake refers to hidden threats:
Because snakes are sometimes hard to see and are slithering in bushes, they are also symbolic of a hidden threat and/or a betrayal. They lie in wait waiting for the perfect opportunity to make a move. If the snake bites you, then the dream is trying to alert you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. To see a baby snake in your dream means that you are underestimating the threat. If you kill the snake or if the snake is dead, then it means that this threat has passed or that you have overcome it.
Snake refers to subconscious:
As creatures that slither along the ground, a snake may represent your subconscious. The dream snake may be alerting your or carrying some sort of message from your subconscious.
Snake refers to sexual temptation:
According to the Freudian school of thought, the snake is viewed as a phallic symbol and thus signifies temptation, repressed thoughts, raw sexual energy, or forbidden sexuality. In particular, to see a snake on your bed suggests that you are feeling sexually overpowered or sexually threatened. You may be inexperienced, nervous or just unable to keep up. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. To dream that you are eating a live snake indicates that you are looking for intimacy or sexual fulfillment. Your life is lacking sensuality and passion.
Snake refers to a callous person:
As a metaphor, the snake in your dream can be symbolic of a person around you who is callous, evil and ruthless. Your dream is telling you not to trust her or him. If you are afraid of making your true feelings toward someone known, then you will likely dream of snakes
Snake refers to transformation:
With the ability to shed their skins, snakes represent transformation. If your dream left you with a positive feeling, then the snake dream represents positive change, self-renewal, growth, knowledge and wisdom. What new changes are occurring in your waking life or what are you looking to change? In particular, dreaming of a red snake highlights the positive characteristics of the snake, as well as your fiery passion. If you are fighting with the snake, then it means that you are fighting against change. You like things the way they are, even though you are not being challenged or fulfilled.
Snake refers to healing:
In some cultures, the snake is viewed as a healing symbol. After all, poisonous snakes hold the antidote for their own venom. And the symbol for the medical profession is a caduceus which features two snakes. Thus snakes indicate recovery or protection from some illness.
Snake refers to creativity:
Another positive interpretation of the snake points to your creativity and potential.
Transformation?
Fear?
Temptation?
How do they fit together?
The other dream has me thinking about looking for shamrocks within the dirty snow. Maybe it was a St. Patrick's day dream.
I also found this interpretation of snow…
Snow
To see snow in your dream signifies your inhibitions, unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions…
To see snow in your dream signifies your inhibitions, unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions…
Alternatively, snow means that you are feeling indifferent, alone and neglected. If the snow is melting, then it suggests that you are acknowledging and releasing emotions you have repressed. You are overcoming your fears and obstacles….
If the snow is dirty, then it refers to a lost in innocence, impurity and uncleanness. Some aspect of yourself or situation has been tainted...
To dream that you are playing in the snow indicates that you need to set some time for fun and relaxation. Alternatively, the dream means that you need to take advantage of opportunities that arise; otherwise such opportunities will disappear.
To dream that you find something in the snow suggests that you are exploring and accessing your unused potential, abilities, and talents. You have uncovered some hidden talent and ability within yourself. It may also refers to a need to forgive.
http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=snow
That's a lot to think about. What is that sparking in you?
I haven't had a good dream, that I've recalled, in a long time.
I am incredibly tired. I think I'm still catching up from the weekend and the virus.
I hope that you are well.
I will be back tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
remember
Clare,
So now S#5 is sick, my younger son is sick and we're hoping that the parents don't get sick also.
You weren't whining…
you were showing yourself…
I just didn't want you to exaggerate the worries in your mind…
then you wouldn't want to return in the up-coming years.
I fear that you use things like this to keep yourself home in the future.
I 've heard that we don't remember thaw actual incident…
we remember the last time we remembered the incident…
with the distortions that we allowed that time to play through our minds.
So I want you to remember that our time on the island was wonderful.
I have to think about your dreams. I have to think about the snake imagery. I do like the idea that you went from fear to acceptance and comfortable. I'll get back to you on that one.
I don't have much to say today. I am tired from a full day of work and cleaning up after I got home. Such is the life of a woman.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
So now S#5 is sick, my younger son is sick and we're hoping that the parents don't get sick also.
You weren't whining…
you were showing yourself…
I just didn't want you to exaggerate the worries in your mind…
then you wouldn't want to return in the up-coming years.
I fear that you use things like this to keep yourself home in the future.
I 've heard that we don't remember thaw actual incident…
we remember the last time we remembered the incident…
with the distortions that we allowed that time to play through our minds.
So I want you to remember that our time on the island was wonderful.
I have to think about your dreams. I have to think about the snake imagery. I do like the idea that you went from fear to acceptance and comfortable. I'll get back to you on that one.
I don't have much to say today. I am tired from a full day of work and cleaning up after I got home. Such is the life of a woman.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, March 16, 2015
snakes
How are you Maggie? I hope you have recovered. It sucks to be sick while traveling...But if you have to get sick, being with mommies who are also your sisters, is the best place in the world to be.
The problem with writing is that tone is implied and maybe misinterpreted.
I firmly believe that what happens is supposed to happen. If S-in-law belonged at the gathering, she would have gotten in the car and been there. If I were supposed to be there this year, my daughter's surgery would not have been scheduled for the same day as we were supposed to leave. I know that the energy will be different every time we gather, even if it's the same individuals in the same setting. And I know that I am welcome.
And I wasn't worried.
I was trying to be vulnerable, to explore my deepest fears. Instead, now, I feel kind of like a whiny busybody...and I didn't feel like that at all.
Anyway - I have had two vivid dreams. Insight would be appreciated.
The first was of looking at a dirty, late winter snowscape - of dirty snow. People were on their knees, sort of pushing the snow around. I learned that there was something very valuable and abundant that we missed seeing...
Then there was the really vivid dream about the really big snakes on my lap. There were two or three of them. I was with a group of people who were letting snakes bite their hands, then they would fly away, trailing behind the snake. It seems to be a sort of initiation. I didn't want to be initiated. I was looking the snakes in the eye and telling them I didn't want to be bitten. They could fit my whole fist in their mouths, their heads were enormous. They were mouthing my fist, like puppies. I could see their fangs, but they were bring very careful not to bite me with their fangs, not to poison me. I started out frightened, downgraded to nervous, then felt pretty calm by the time I woke up.
Hope you are feeling better,
Love and hugs,
Clare
The problem with writing is that tone is implied and maybe misinterpreted.
I firmly believe that what happens is supposed to happen. If S-in-law belonged at the gathering, she would have gotten in the car and been there. If I were supposed to be there this year, my daughter's surgery would not have been scheduled for the same day as we were supposed to leave. I know that the energy will be different every time we gather, even if it's the same individuals in the same setting. And I know that I am welcome.
And I wasn't worried.
I was trying to be vulnerable, to explore my deepest fears. Instead, now, I feel kind of like a whiny busybody...and I didn't feel like that at all.
Anyway - I have had two vivid dreams. Insight would be appreciated.
The first was of looking at a dirty, late winter snowscape - of dirty snow. People were on their knees, sort of pushing the snow around. I learned that there was something very valuable and abundant that we missed seeing...
Then there was the really vivid dream about the really big snakes on my lap. There were two or three of them. I was with a group of people who were letting snakes bite their hands, then they would fly away, trailing behind the snake. It seems to be a sort of initiation. I didn't want to be initiated. I was looking the snakes in the eye and telling them I didn't want to be bitten. They could fit my whole fist in their mouths, their heads were enormous. They were mouthing my fist, like puppies. I could see their fangs, but they were bring very careful not to bite me with their fangs, not to poison me. I started out frightened, downgraded to nervous, then felt pretty calm by the time I woke up.
Hope you are feeling better,
Love and hugs,
Clare
vulnerability
Clare,
You worry too much.
The weekend had a different flavor than last year's, but it was good and balanced. You being concerned about pulling family together says a lot about how much you want to avoid family gatherings, even if there is potential connection.
You want to connect, desperately…
but you aren't willing to put yourself in the vulnerable position of allowing it to happen.
That was actually a common theme of our weekend discussions. We want friendship, family, romance, but not at the risk of our inner security. But there has to be a risky opening of self to allow that to happen. We will never repair our fractured family if we aren't willing to talk and meet. It cannot be done through the book of face, or weekly emails from the matriarch.
The invitation to S-I-L was impromptu and none of us actually considered her accepting it. She hasn't ever just hung out with us…at least not me.
Anyway, you should have come along, talked, laughed and connected, rather than sitting 13 hours away worrying alone. There will always be a place for you on sister's weekend.
So, I got really sick on Saturday night. I stayed up all night with vomiting and diarrhea which subsided before we had to get into the car for the ride home. I made it home, after about 12 hours of travel and was happy to be in my own space once again. I've been drinking Pedialyte, tea and eating toast today and feel queazy but better. It was not fun, but it was good to have sisters to take care of me when I needed it.
Anyway, Back to life. Back to reality.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
You worry too much.
The weekend had a different flavor than last year's, but it was good and balanced. You being concerned about pulling family together says a lot about how much you want to avoid family gatherings, even if there is potential connection.
You want to connect, desperately…
but you aren't willing to put yourself in the vulnerable position of allowing it to happen.
That was actually a common theme of our weekend discussions. We want friendship, family, romance, but not at the risk of our inner security. But there has to be a risky opening of self to allow that to happen. We will never repair our fractured family if we aren't willing to talk and meet. It cannot be done through the book of face, or weekly emails from the matriarch.
The invitation to S-I-L was impromptu and none of us actually considered her accepting it. She hasn't ever just hung out with us…at least not me.
Anyway, you should have come along, talked, laughed and connected, rather than sitting 13 hours away worrying alone. There will always be a place for you on sister's weekend.
So, I got really sick on Saturday night. I stayed up all night with vomiting and diarrhea which subsided before we had to get into the car for the ride home. I made it home, after about 12 hours of travel and was happy to be in my own space once again. I've been drinking Pedialyte, tea and eating toast today and feel queazy but better. It was not fun, but it was good to have sisters to take care of me when I needed it.
Anyway, Back to life. Back to reality.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, March 15, 2015
nose pressed against the window
I'm so glad to know the dolphins are there. It was so important to me last year! And I was really happy to hear you had the connected, close sisterly times. I have to admit I was a little afraid...
The first night there were a lot of jokes about the wine, followed by an impromptu invitation to S-in-law to just head up and to make sure she keeps the date for next year, since this will be an annual event. It suddenly seemed like the weekend would morph into a family party rather than a reconnect.
It triggered all of my - "I'm on the outside" reactions, sort of followed by my typical, "I want to be on the outside" protection reactions.
I remember being at a New Year's Eve party one year - with S#3, S#4, B#4and all related kids and spouses and partners. At one point B-in-law, married to S#4, asked me if I wanted another drink. At that point B#4's high school girlfriend who he was with for a few years, and I were the only sober parental types. I said "No thanks." B-in-law went into a drunken diatribe about how this was his family and in his family we drank.
He probably has no memory whatsoever, and to him, I think it was just words - trying to get me to join in a bit more...but he hit my core issue - smack on the head.
Not my family.
I'm not one of you.
I'm different, outside.
And it is part of me. In high school, my philosophy was - If everyone is doing it, it must be wrong. I'm just going to do something else.
So I embrace it.
But I also hate the loneliness and isolation of feeling I don't have a tribe.
So I had a moment of that this weekend, watching you all from social media's virtual reality screen, filling in the blanks with my very vivid imagination.
So your words about the close moments of talking, sharing, feeling connected left me feeling reassured.
Travel safe, all my sisters.
I love you all...
Clare
The first night there were a lot of jokes about the wine, followed by an impromptu invitation to S-in-law to just head up and to make sure she keeps the date for next year, since this will be an annual event. It suddenly seemed like the weekend would morph into a family party rather than a reconnect.
It triggered all of my - "I'm on the outside" reactions, sort of followed by my typical, "I want to be on the outside" protection reactions.
I remember being at a New Year's Eve party one year - with S#3, S#4, B#4and all related kids and spouses and partners. At one point B-in-law, married to S#4, asked me if I wanted another drink. At that point B#4's high school girlfriend who he was with for a few years, and I were the only sober parental types. I said "No thanks." B-in-law went into a drunken diatribe about how this was his family and in his family we drank.
He probably has no memory whatsoever, and to him, I think it was just words - trying to get me to join in a bit more...but he hit my core issue - smack on the head.
Not my family.
I'm not one of you.
I'm different, outside.
And it is part of me. In high school, my philosophy was - If everyone is doing it, it must be wrong. I'm just going to do something else.
So I embrace it.
But I also hate the loneliness and isolation of feeling I don't have a tribe.
So I had a moment of that this weekend, watching you all from social media's virtual reality screen, filling in the blanks with my very vivid imagination.
So your words about the close moments of talking, sharing, feeling connected left me feeling reassured.
Travel safe, all my sisters.
I love you all...
Clare
Saturday, March 14, 2015
The dolphins are back
Clare,
Thanks for the writings. I appreciate your diligence and perseverance. We are having a relaxed and fun time. We have been laughing out loud…and it feels good.
We saw the dolphins twice yesterday. Both sightings were in the afternoon. S#5 and I were walking and a pod of 4 or 5. They were swimming as a single, then double then single. They were very close to the shore. S#5 and I watched in amazement. I had been singing in the morning and didn't see them, but our laughter brought them to us. The second sighting was from the top deck…they were frolicking back that either direction.
I've been able to get out and walk here…
my foot does not hurt…
my muscles are feeling the exercise- which is good.
I hope to use this to jump-start daily walking back home with my dogs.
I've had a headache since the first morning after I woke up. My neck is really easily triggered into spasm by different beds and pillows. We spent an hour at the island spa, and I had a massage. This helped for a while, but the headache is still with me. Sometimes I just have to wait out 3 days until it subsides.
We've had some great discussions down here…political, spiritual, parenting, professional.
It's really interesting to just allow the free flow of ideas to direct the path. I've learned a lot, and had a few moments when I "conveyed" a message to one of the others…for instance, S#3 was talking about life as a maze where she wanders sometimes lost…and I had this leading to say, " Where are your eyes? Are you focused on the ground where everything looks the same or on the sky where you can use the sun and stars for direction?".
Where are our eyes? What do we focus on? What is our source of guidance?
It should be the inner voice, but too often it is an external force. Too often we relinquish our power and choice to an other.
It's rainy today. I started out for a walk early this morning, and it was raining after the first quarter of a mile. I finished the 3 miles, wet to the skin…
now I am chilled and can't seem to get warm. We took a ride around the island to buy a few things for family members and I got chilled again.
I'm going to join the others. Tomorrow is travel day so I will check back in on Monday. I am holding your family in the Light, healing energy to all of you, especially your youngest.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thanks for the writings. I appreciate your diligence and perseverance. We are having a relaxed and fun time. We have been laughing out loud…and it feels good.
We saw the dolphins twice yesterday. Both sightings were in the afternoon. S#5 and I were walking and a pod of 4 or 5. They were swimming as a single, then double then single. They were very close to the shore. S#5 and I watched in amazement. I had been singing in the morning and didn't see them, but our laughter brought them to us. The second sighting was from the top deck…they were frolicking back that either direction.
I've been able to get out and walk here…
my foot does not hurt…
my muscles are feeling the exercise- which is good.
I hope to use this to jump-start daily walking back home with my dogs.
I've had a headache since the first morning after I woke up. My neck is really easily triggered into spasm by different beds and pillows. We spent an hour at the island spa, and I had a massage. This helped for a while, but the headache is still with me. Sometimes I just have to wait out 3 days until it subsides.
We've had some great discussions down here…political, spiritual, parenting, professional.
It's really interesting to just allow the free flow of ideas to direct the path. I've learned a lot, and had a few moments when I "conveyed" a message to one of the others…for instance, S#3 was talking about life as a maze where she wanders sometimes lost…and I had this leading to say, " Where are your eyes? Are you focused on the ground where everything looks the same or on the sky where you can use the sun and stars for direction?".
Where are our eyes? What do we focus on? What is our source of guidance?
It should be the inner voice, but too often it is an external force. Too often we relinquish our power and choice to an other.
It's rainy today. I started out for a walk early this morning, and it was raining after the first quarter of a mile. I finished the 3 miles, wet to the skin…
now I am chilled and can't seem to get warm. We took a ride around the island to buy a few things for family members and I got chilled again.
I'm going to join the others. Tomorrow is travel day so I will check back in on Monday. I am holding your family in the Light, healing energy to all of you, especially your youngest.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
scattered
Hey Maggie -
Without you, I feel a bit directionless.
Today's rumination - comes from the shower and a book. Standing in warm water is a good way to think. Maybe because I'm relaxed and alone. And I am in the final part of the Omnivore's Dilemma - the part about the completely foraged meal. Michael Pollan wrote about fear - fear of eating the wrong mushroom, for instance. I remembered going fishing with a friend from school. He was an excellent fisherman. He knew all of the local fish - and in fact this has become his career. But when I reached down and picked an herb and popped it in my mouth, he freaked out. He thought I was going to die from eating poison plants...
So I had fear on my mind. And suddenly it seemed like fear is primal. We need it to stay alive. But it seems to be more important than love. I have read the studies that show babies waste away and die if not handled with love. But it seems it doesn't take much to keep us alive.
Fear is primal. I wrap myself in fear to stay alive.
And that is the big, hidden piece of will, of control. We are trapped in our yellow chakras - will. But it's fear. And isn't it interesting that being called "yellow" means you are a coward? You are afraid.
I thought about love, and I felt myself tighten up, pull together - physically and spiritually. It was strange, yet real.
I know fear is the reason I carry extra weight. It keeps people away. It keeps me safe. It keeps me invisible. There is nothing more invisible in our culture than an older, overweight woman.
Somehow fear has become dominant, more important than love.
And then, as always, I go back to what I know - we must get into the green chakra, learn to love, to have faith, to trust...
Do I?
No. I still hate to ask for anything. Dad taught me wel that I am not worth it...
Then I was thinking about depression, which may go back to the peaceful warriors reaction to this world. And passive-aggressiveness is the peaceful warrior's big stick that keeps people away. It is so hard to be a peaceful warrior when you have been taught that you are simply not good enough, not loveable...
I know, I'm scattered. I need you! But I hope you are having fun. And next year - I get to go too!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Without you, I feel a bit directionless.
Today's rumination - comes from the shower and a book. Standing in warm water is a good way to think. Maybe because I'm relaxed and alone. And I am in the final part of the Omnivore's Dilemma - the part about the completely foraged meal. Michael Pollan wrote about fear - fear of eating the wrong mushroom, for instance. I remembered going fishing with a friend from school. He was an excellent fisherman. He knew all of the local fish - and in fact this has become his career. But when I reached down and picked an herb and popped it in my mouth, he freaked out. He thought I was going to die from eating poison plants...
So I had fear on my mind. And suddenly it seemed like fear is primal. We need it to stay alive. But it seems to be more important than love. I have read the studies that show babies waste away and die if not handled with love. But it seems it doesn't take much to keep us alive.
Fear is primal. I wrap myself in fear to stay alive.
And that is the big, hidden piece of will, of control. We are trapped in our yellow chakras - will. But it's fear. And isn't it interesting that being called "yellow" means you are a coward? You are afraid.
I thought about love, and I felt myself tighten up, pull together - physically and spiritually. It was strange, yet real.
I know fear is the reason I carry extra weight. It keeps people away. It keeps me safe. It keeps me invisible. There is nothing more invisible in our culture than an older, overweight woman.
Somehow fear has become dominant, more important than love.
And then, as always, I go back to what I know - we must get into the green chakra, learn to love, to have faith, to trust...
Do I?
No. I still hate to ask for anything. Dad taught me wel that I am not worth it...
Then I was thinking about depression, which may go back to the peaceful warriors reaction to this world. And passive-aggressiveness is the peaceful warrior's big stick that keeps people away. It is so hard to be a peaceful warrior when you have been taught that you are simply not good enough, not loveable...
I know, I'm scattered. I need you! But I hope you are having fun. And next year - I get to go too!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Friday, March 13, 2015
simplified
So, my sisters are safe on the island. The photos look beautiful - just the way I remember.
I got to spend time with my daughter today. It was good to see her and be with her.
What I was thinking...is that...during this whole procedure, I have been in charge of the baby. Boyfriend has been remarkable, staying with my daughter, talking to the doctors, being supportive, changing diapers, even. And I realized that she doesn't need to talk to me every day anymore. When she was with the father of the baby, she checked in every single day. He used to berate her for wanting her mommy. I think she almost needed to let someone know she was allright, she survived another day. Now she doesn't need to call in every single day.
Being a parent has it's sucky aspects. If you do a good job, they don't need you any more. And I think she has found her family. I remember thinking about how we left Mom and Dad, then how our kids leave us. It seems our spouse is our family. I think she found hers...
I'm sort of done. I have been through empty nest trauma. Occasionally a feather wiggles to tease me, to remind me...
I saw a blog today that explored rape and consent. It seems a lot of men can't tell what constitutes consent. So a young woman simplified it by comparing it to a cup of tea. If you offer someone a cup of tea and they say they would love a cup...that is consent. But if someone is not sure, or changes her mind, or has to be talked into taking the tea - coercion. That is not consent. And no one may ever, under any circumstances, pour the tea down the throat of someone who is sleeping or unconscious.
Simple!
I hope you are all having a wonderful time...missing you!
Clare
I got to spend time with my daughter today. It was good to see her and be with her.
What I was thinking...is that...during this whole procedure, I have been in charge of the baby. Boyfriend has been remarkable, staying with my daughter, talking to the doctors, being supportive, changing diapers, even. And I realized that she doesn't need to talk to me every day anymore. When she was with the father of the baby, she checked in every single day. He used to berate her for wanting her mommy. I think she almost needed to let someone know she was allright, she survived another day. Now she doesn't need to call in every single day.
Being a parent has it's sucky aspects. If you do a good job, they don't need you any more. And I think she has found her family. I remember thinking about how we left Mom and Dad, then how our kids leave us. It seems our spouse is our family. I think she found hers...
I'm sort of done. I have been through empty nest trauma. Occasionally a feather wiggles to tease me, to remind me...
I saw a blog today that explored rape and consent. It seems a lot of men can't tell what constitutes consent. So a young woman simplified it by comparing it to a cup of tea. If you offer someone a cup of tea and they say they would love a cup...that is consent. But if someone is not sure, or changes her mind, or has to be talked into taking the tea - coercion. That is not consent. And no one may ever, under any circumstances, pour the tea down the throat of someone who is sleeping or unconscious.
Simple!
I hope you are all having a wonderful time...missing you!
Clare
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Memories
Now I get to sing "Dancing with Myself." My sisters are on their way south, to warmer temperatures.
But, my daughter's surgery went well. Now begins the process of healing. I had the baby overnight. She is home now, for a few hours, but will be back for dinner and another overnight.
It's kind of fun to have a baby again. It reminds me of when I was young.
Yesterday when I took her fo a walk, I stood up straight and tucked my shoulders back and my butt in. I imagined tucking up my saggy chin. It seemed like youthening was a possibility! And I decided what I will do this year. Last year it was no sugar/no meat. The no meat lasted until it got cold outside. I guess I am a seasonal vegetarian. I'll stop again in May. But this year I am going to stop eating all processed foods. Everything I eat will have to be in a recognizable natural form.
I have been thinking about the unprocessed life a lot.
I have also been thinking about memory. I know when something traumatic happens we can absolutely forget it. We can wall it off someplace safe and never acknowledge it again. We can also revise our memories. And now I find we can create and place new memories.
And I wonder...I knew a man who was trouble in high school. To "fix" him, he was forced into the military. He was a Marine at 17 or 18 years old. He was made a sniper. Talk about PTSD. He was in bad shape. I was wondering. What if we erased and replaced his memories of killing people. Would that be gone? Like it never happened? Or would it be like repressed memories, in that haunted room we avoid in our mind?
I'm still reading The Omnivore's Dilemma. Next I'll read my sister's Zebra book and be back on trying to understand - are we addicted to cortisol???
For now - time to make dinner.
Hope you all have a marvelous time at the beach. S#3 promised to drink a toast to me! Make it a good one.
Love and hugs from Clare
But, my daughter's surgery went well. Now begins the process of healing. I had the baby overnight. She is home now, for a few hours, but will be back for dinner and another overnight.
It's kind of fun to have a baby again. It reminds me of when I was young.
Yesterday when I took her fo a walk, I stood up straight and tucked my shoulders back and my butt in. I imagined tucking up my saggy chin. It seemed like youthening was a possibility! And I decided what I will do this year. Last year it was no sugar/no meat. The no meat lasted until it got cold outside. I guess I am a seasonal vegetarian. I'll stop again in May. But this year I am going to stop eating all processed foods. Everything I eat will have to be in a recognizable natural form.
I have been thinking about the unprocessed life a lot.
I have also been thinking about memory. I know when something traumatic happens we can absolutely forget it. We can wall it off someplace safe and never acknowledge it again. We can also revise our memories. And now I find we can create and place new memories.
And I wonder...I knew a man who was trouble in high school. To "fix" him, he was forced into the military. He was a Marine at 17 or 18 years old. He was made a sniper. Talk about PTSD. He was in bad shape. I was wondering. What if we erased and replaced his memories of killing people. Would that be gone? Like it never happened? Or would it be like repressed memories, in that haunted room we avoid in our mind?
I'm still reading The Omnivore's Dilemma. Next I'll read my sister's Zebra book and be back on trying to understand - are we addicted to cortisol???
For now - time to make dinner.
Hope you all have a marvelous time at the beach. S#3 promised to drink a toast to me! Make it a good one.
Love and hugs from Clare
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
frozen
I hope you and the sisters have a fabulous time. I hope someone sings to the dolphins for me!
Things have been chaotic here. There was a tech problem at work which kept me from working efficiently. Then as it was fixed, I had over two dozen reports to write. I wrote until exhaustion last night, then wrote until mid-afternoon - the last two with toddler help...loud, intrusive toddler help.
Once I was finished, I put her in the backpack and we went for a walk. That was probably our first walk since before the big freeze that has been holding us down for the last month. We stopped and greeted the mulberry tree, we waved and said "Hi!" to the apple trees, the cherries and the pears and the maples. She was into it.
I know I have been exhausted, but I think I've been in a funk, borderline depressed- no energy, no light, you know...Being outside is always the best remedy for me.
So my daughter has her surgery first thing tomorrow morning. I have the babe overnight, and I will have her again tomorrow night. She will spend a few hours with Mama in the afternoon. But the little one knows something is up. She has been out of sorts and a real handful!
I'm a bit worried mixed with an equal dose of faith - this will all be alright.
My daughter-in-law had a suspicious mole removed yesterday...when it rains, it pours, I guess.
I wish I was going with you tomorrow. I have had a few pouty moments. But mostly it is okay. We'll do sisters weekend in the fall. We'll all count on you to have us to the island again next year!
I got the books you sent today. Thank you. I have read some essays by Matthew Fox and I love his work. That was a nice surprise.
I read and discussed part of an article about false memories with a researcher today. We just got started, reading an article about taking a mouse and creating a sanctuary, where it feels safe. Then when it is really comfortable, the experimenters electrified the floor and shocked its feet. After that, being in the safe place created a freeze, frozen in fear, waiting for something bad to happen.
Feels like why it is hard to find home...maybe.
Next week we will finish reading and find out how the experimenter went on and planted false memories...
Happy Birthing Day to you Mama. This is the anniversary of the day you became a mother! And you have survived!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Things have been chaotic here. There was a tech problem at work which kept me from working efficiently. Then as it was fixed, I had over two dozen reports to write. I wrote until exhaustion last night, then wrote until mid-afternoon - the last two with toddler help...loud, intrusive toddler help.
Once I was finished, I put her in the backpack and we went for a walk. That was probably our first walk since before the big freeze that has been holding us down for the last month. We stopped and greeted the mulberry tree, we waved and said "Hi!" to the apple trees, the cherries and the pears and the maples. She was into it.
I know I have been exhausted, but I think I've been in a funk, borderline depressed- no energy, no light, you know...Being outside is always the best remedy for me.
So my daughter has her surgery first thing tomorrow morning. I have the babe overnight, and I will have her again tomorrow night. She will spend a few hours with Mama in the afternoon. But the little one knows something is up. She has been out of sorts and a real handful!
I'm a bit worried mixed with an equal dose of faith - this will all be alright.
My daughter-in-law had a suspicious mole removed yesterday...when it rains, it pours, I guess.
I wish I was going with you tomorrow. I have had a few pouty moments. But mostly it is okay. We'll do sisters weekend in the fall. We'll all count on you to have us to the island again next year!
I got the books you sent today. Thank you. I have read some essays by Matthew Fox and I love his work. That was a nice surprise.
I read and discussed part of an article about false memories with a researcher today. We just got started, reading an article about taking a mouse and creating a sanctuary, where it feels safe. Then when it is really comfortable, the experimenters electrified the floor and shocked its feet. After that, being in the safe place created a freeze, frozen in fear, waiting for something bad to happen.
Feels like why it is hard to find home...maybe.
Next week we will finish reading and find out how the experimenter went on and planted false memories...
Happy Birthing Day to you Mama. This is the anniversary of the day you became a mother! And you have survived!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Missing you
Clare,
Tomorrow is the day…
I wish you were joining us…
but I do understand.
I will pick up S#3 about 9 and then S#5 about 11 and then we are off an running.
I probably won't check in while I'm away…
but if I have a quiet moment I will check in.
Good luck with your family adventures.
Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. My daughters and I had pedicures and then we went out for pizza. It was nice. Her interview went very well, that university is her first choice. She hopes they choose her as well.
I'm tired and have packing and preparing to finish. My washing machine has a leak, the part has been ordered, but I had to hand wash a few things tonight. Nothing is easy, but it's all worth it.
I'm going to get to work…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Tomorrow is the day…
I wish you were joining us…
but I do understand.
I will pick up S#3 about 9 and then S#5 about 11 and then we are off an running.
I probably won't check in while I'm away…
but if I have a quiet moment I will check in.
Good luck with your family adventures.
Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. My daughters and I had pedicures and then we went out for pizza. It was nice. Her interview went very well, that university is her first choice. She hopes they choose her as well.
I'm tired and have packing and preparing to finish. My washing machine has a leak, the part has been ordered, but I had to hand wash a few things tonight. Nothing is easy, but it's all worth it.
I'm going to get to work…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, March 9, 2015
Aha moments
Clare,
I love the "aha" moments…
I loved them while learning…
I loved them while teaching…
and I love them when I'm talking to people and they offer some insight that answers questions for me.
I think that's the closest feeling I can imagine to hearing for the first time.
I'm waiting for B#4 to stop by. He's looking at windows I need replaced. I contacted him last week and he said he'd come by this morning. It will be good to see him, to hear how he and B#2 are doing.
I was scrolling through my journal this morning after I'd finished writing and I came upon a post from last May. It was a dream…I was walking through beautiful flat meadows filled with flowers and there was a voice that said, "You've lost your way." I then saw a wooded, steep hill that I was directed towards. Maybe it's not supposed to be easy at this point.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I love the "aha" moments…
I loved them while learning…
I loved them while teaching…
and I love them when I'm talking to people and they offer some insight that answers questions for me.
I think that's the closest feeling I can imagine to hearing for the first time.
I'm waiting for B#4 to stop by. He's looking at windows I need replaced. I contacted him last week and he said he'd come by this morning. It will be good to see him, to hear how he and B#2 are doing.
I was scrolling through my journal this morning after I'd finished writing and I came upon a post from last May. It was a dream…I was walking through beautiful flat meadows filled with flowers and there was a voice that said, "You've lost your way." I then saw a wooded, steep hill that I was directed towards. Maybe it's not supposed to be easy at this point.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, March 8, 2015
daily miracles
Hey Maggie,
How are you? I had a dog that had seizures also - she would have one or two a year. It was my beloved border collie. I would sit and hold her and look into her eyes until it was over. Our vet also recommended phenobarb, but I chose not to do that. In the end, she died of a seizure, while I was in Cali with my son. A close friend was keeping her and called me...and it was very painful. I always hoped the dog knew I did not abandon her. I was coming back...
It is amazing how much they mean to us.
My oldest son and his wife have chosen not to pursue the opportunity in the south. They talked to people who have lived there and decided it was not a good fit for their family. There were educational and cultural factors that weighed heavily on the decision. But, I think they both realized how much they want to come back east. And they had a long talk about where they would like to be and the best way to get there.
Holding your oldest in the Light. I hope she ends up exactly where she is supposed to be!
I watched a short video that sparked my mind. It was of deaf people, who, after receiving an implant, were able to hear for the first time. There was that perfect moment, when their eyes opened wider, there was a change. Then some laughed, some froze, some cried. It was beautiful. It was amazing. I started thinking about not being able to use one of our senses, especially when we know others have the sense. Then I started wondering what we lack that we don't know we lack.
What sense are we in the process of developing. But since we don't have the sense, we have no idea what it is , and I wonder if we'll even recognize it...
Then I started thinking about the emotions of being able to hear for the first time, and the emotions of falling in love. There is that moment when you truly believe you are loved, you are loveable...
Life is full of little miracles, which are probably just aspects of big miracles.
It also goes back to the dog rescue videos, to that moment of surrender into hope...
I had three grandchildren here last night. We went outside with squirt bottles full of colored water so we could write in the snow. My little one complained about the cold, a lot. So we came in and I wrapped her in her fuzzy blanket, and she took a long nap. Her mama picked her up, took her home and she suddenly spiked a fever. So they called the doctor and had to run to the hospital. Diagnosis - it's viral, keep an eye on her. Perfect beginning to the week which will end with surgery!
But, all in all, we're okay!
Hope you are, too
Love and hugs,
Clare
How are you? I had a dog that had seizures also - she would have one or two a year. It was my beloved border collie. I would sit and hold her and look into her eyes until it was over. Our vet also recommended phenobarb, but I chose not to do that. In the end, she died of a seizure, while I was in Cali with my son. A close friend was keeping her and called me...and it was very painful. I always hoped the dog knew I did not abandon her. I was coming back...
It is amazing how much they mean to us.
My oldest son and his wife have chosen not to pursue the opportunity in the south. They talked to people who have lived there and decided it was not a good fit for their family. There were educational and cultural factors that weighed heavily on the decision. But, I think they both realized how much they want to come back east. And they had a long talk about where they would like to be and the best way to get there.
Holding your oldest in the Light. I hope she ends up exactly where she is supposed to be!
I watched a short video that sparked my mind. It was of deaf people, who, after receiving an implant, were able to hear for the first time. There was that perfect moment, when their eyes opened wider, there was a change. Then some laughed, some froze, some cried. It was beautiful. It was amazing. I started thinking about not being able to use one of our senses, especially when we know others have the sense. Then I started wondering what we lack that we don't know we lack.
What sense are we in the process of developing. But since we don't have the sense, we have no idea what it is , and I wonder if we'll even recognize it...
Then I started thinking about the emotions of being able to hear for the first time, and the emotions of falling in love. There is that moment when you truly believe you are loved, you are loveable...
Life is full of little miracles, which are probably just aspects of big miracles.
It also goes back to the dog rescue videos, to that moment of surrender into hope...
I had three grandchildren here last night. We went outside with squirt bottles full of colored water so we could write in the snow. My little one complained about the cold, a lot. So we came in and I wrapped her in her fuzzy blanket, and she took a long nap. Her mama picked her up, took her home and she suddenly spiked a fever. So they called the doctor and had to run to the hospital. Diagnosis - it's viral, keep an eye on her. Perfect beginning to the week which will end with surgery!
But, all in all, we're okay!
Hope you are, too
Love and hugs,
Clare
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Not much happening
Clare,
I like the image of the broken-winged bird…
well I don't like it but it fits.
I will send the stress book out on Monday and after you read it you will have a better idea about cortisol.
My dog had another seizure last night, that's 3 in less than 2 weeks. I hate to sit through them with her. But I talk to her and stroke her flailing body…and hope it doesn't go for more than 5 minutes because then I have to use rectal valium…I haven't had to do that yet. When she comes out of it she is incredibly restless…maybe too much epinephrine and cortisol surging to allow her to lay back down and rest. I sleep lightly, afraid she's going to try to go down the stairs…she fell down them one post-seizure. It scared me. Luckily she wasn't hurt. I'm not sure if I'm seeing an increase in frequency…she usually has 2 or 3 in a month, and they generally occur close together. If she has another in the near future I will take her back to the vet. I am concerned because the next step will be phenobarb again and that leaves her 'gorked'.
S#5 is still coming along this week. She seems very excited to go. I am really looking forward to the weekend. I'm so excited, the forecast is for 50 - 60 degree temperatures. Perfect timing. Like you I have not gotten out much this winter. Between the cold and my foot I've hibernated except for work. I am looking forward to long walks without the cold making me wheeze and only a sweatshirt. I still wonder if we should have invited Mom. Maybe I'll ask S#5.
My oldest came home for spring break last night. She had an interview with PSU before she left for an internship. She was so excited because it went very well. It was her first interview. She has another via Skype this week with another program that has a combined internship/masters. I believe it is her first choice for programs so let's hope it goes well.
Not much else happening here today. The news about your son's family is exciting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I like the image of the broken-winged bird…
well I don't like it but it fits.
I will send the stress book out on Monday and after you read it you will have a better idea about cortisol.
My dog had another seizure last night, that's 3 in less than 2 weeks. I hate to sit through them with her. But I talk to her and stroke her flailing body…and hope it doesn't go for more than 5 minutes because then I have to use rectal valium…I haven't had to do that yet. When she comes out of it she is incredibly restless…maybe too much epinephrine and cortisol surging to allow her to lay back down and rest. I sleep lightly, afraid she's going to try to go down the stairs…she fell down them one post-seizure. It scared me. Luckily she wasn't hurt. I'm not sure if I'm seeing an increase in frequency…she usually has 2 or 3 in a month, and they generally occur close together. If she has another in the near future I will take her back to the vet. I am concerned because the next step will be phenobarb again and that leaves her 'gorked'.
S#5 is still coming along this week. She seems very excited to go. I am really looking forward to the weekend. I'm so excited, the forecast is for 50 - 60 degree temperatures. Perfect timing. Like you I have not gotten out much this winter. Between the cold and my foot I've hibernated except for work. I am looking forward to long walks without the cold making me wheeze and only a sweatshirt. I still wonder if we should have invited Mom. Maybe I'll ask S#5.
My oldest came home for spring break last night. She had an interview with PSU before she left for an internship. She was so excited because it went very well. It was her first interview. She has another via Skype this week with another program that has a combined internship/masters. I believe it is her first choice for programs so let's hope it goes well.
Not much else happening here today. The news about your son's family is exciting.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
after-thought
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
-Langston Hughes
I reread your last post just as I was finishing mine and preparing to leave this site, and I had an image of the mourning dove my grandson and I found in the garden about three years ago. I saw it fluttering, trying desperately to get away from me, not knowing I had loving intentions. And the poem above popped into my head. It has long been a favorite.
You said:
as people are exposed to stress and trauma (duration, frequency, intensity, etc.) they go into adrenal fatigue where they cannot mount a proper fight or flight.
I think that perhaps we go into adrenal fatigue, where we can not mount a proper fight or flight, but we try. We struggle, we keep on trying...and we become the broken-winged bird. We live our lives as a broken-winged bird. We can not fly as we are designed to do. Instead we rally and flutter and try to avoid any kind of face-off.
Just a thought...
Clare
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
-Langston Hughes
I reread your last post just as I was finishing mine and preparing to leave this site, and I had an image of the mourning dove my grandson and I found in the garden about three years ago. I saw it fluttering, trying desperately to get away from me, not knowing I had loving intentions. And the poem above popped into my head. It has long been a favorite.
You said:
as people are exposed to stress and trauma (duration, frequency, intensity, etc.) they go into adrenal fatigue where they cannot mount a proper fight or flight.
I think that perhaps we go into adrenal fatigue, where we can not mount a proper fight or flight, but we try. We struggle, we keep on trying...and we become the broken-winged bird. We live our lives as a broken-winged bird. We can not fly as we are designed to do. Instead we rally and flutter and try to avoid any kind of face-off.
Just a thought...
Clare
it's a philosophical thing
Good morning!
I am glad you are debugged. I was thinking about the song "Dancing By Myself" when you said you might be absent for a while.
I knew S#3 had a house full of pukers, including herself - on her birthday. She has been planning to come here and visit every weekend for weeks. But with the weather, and now this virus, we haven't seen her. I think she will be well enough to go to the island with you. I will be there in spirit, which is not as much fun. Is S#5 still coming? I haven't seen anything to the contrary...
My oldest son called last night. There is a fabulous job opening for my daughter-in-law in the east. She has never been turned down for a position request, so they could be in western North Carolina in just a few months. Now we're talking long weekends at home, and a much easier time getting to each other. My son was elated. They had just made some decisions and changes, and are on a seemingly good path. This will make that better, I hope.
I think the confusing part of my cortisol logic is that I am not thinking like a physician. I don't know enough about hormones and their interactions. I am thinking more like a philosopher. I read that cortisol overload causes certain problems - mostly associated with aging. I got interested in the idea, and found that stress causes an increase in cortisol, as do most of our preferred addictive substances. Then I related that to our need to maintain the homey feelings we were raised with - chaos, loneliness, separation, low value. It all seems to fit on that philosophical level. I know we need an endocrinologist to focus in on specifics. I really think we need to address all of this imbalance both physically and emotionally. And we need to do things that create a strong spiritual connection to each other, to the planet, within ourselves.
So if I were to try to help people, including myself, I would be using the philosophical approach. I would ask an expert for the physical/medical side of healing.
I'm glad your heel is an ordinary problem with a natural fix. Go for nice long walks in the sand. We are going to have temperatures above freezing every day this week. One night, the temperature will also stay above freezing. I'm so excited (another song for the day!!) Our February was the coldest ever recorded. It was been so long and brutal. I have gone days without leaving the house. The wind is just too much. Now, maybe we can start to thaw...maybe there will be basking in my near future!
I only work three days this week. My daughter's surgery will be Thursday. I will be on baby-duty a lot until I return to work the next Tuesday. Then I will have her after work and until dinner or bedtime at my daughter's house. Boyfriend and I will be synchronizing schedules. And nephew will be filling in the gaps. Part of me is whining, just a little tiny bit...I wanted to go to the island...Oh well, we'll go back again next March. I know there will be daffodils and dolphins!
Have a wonderful Saturday!
Clare
I am glad you are debugged. I was thinking about the song "Dancing By Myself" when you said you might be absent for a while.
I knew S#3 had a house full of pukers, including herself - on her birthday. She has been planning to come here and visit every weekend for weeks. But with the weather, and now this virus, we haven't seen her. I think she will be well enough to go to the island with you. I will be there in spirit, which is not as much fun. Is S#5 still coming? I haven't seen anything to the contrary...
My oldest son called last night. There is a fabulous job opening for my daughter-in-law in the east. She has never been turned down for a position request, so they could be in western North Carolina in just a few months. Now we're talking long weekends at home, and a much easier time getting to each other. My son was elated. They had just made some decisions and changes, and are on a seemingly good path. This will make that better, I hope.
I think the confusing part of my cortisol logic is that I am not thinking like a physician. I don't know enough about hormones and their interactions. I am thinking more like a philosopher. I read that cortisol overload causes certain problems - mostly associated with aging. I got interested in the idea, and found that stress causes an increase in cortisol, as do most of our preferred addictive substances. Then I related that to our need to maintain the homey feelings we were raised with - chaos, loneliness, separation, low value. It all seems to fit on that philosophical level. I know we need an endocrinologist to focus in on specifics. I really think we need to address all of this imbalance both physically and emotionally. And we need to do things that create a strong spiritual connection to each other, to the planet, within ourselves.
So if I were to try to help people, including myself, I would be using the philosophical approach. I would ask an expert for the physical/medical side of healing.
I'm glad your heel is an ordinary problem with a natural fix. Go for nice long walks in the sand. We are going to have temperatures above freezing every day this week. One night, the temperature will also stay above freezing. I'm so excited (another song for the day!!) Our February was the coldest ever recorded. It was been so long and brutal. I have gone days without leaving the house. The wind is just too much. Now, maybe we can start to thaw...maybe there will be basking in my near future!
I only work three days this week. My daughter's surgery will be Thursday. I will be on baby-duty a lot until I return to work the next Tuesday. Then I will have her after work and until dinner or bedtime at my daughter's house. Boyfriend and I will be synchronizing schedules. And nephew will be filling in the gaps. Part of me is whining, just a little tiny bit...I wanted to go to the island...Oh well, we'll go back again next March. I know there will be daffodils and dolphins!
Have a wonderful Saturday!
Clare
Friday, March 6, 2015
de-bugged
Clare,
I de-bugged my computer and so I am back at this.
I will send the book out on Monday. Read it and see if you have any breakthroughs. I haven't read it cover-to-cover in 2 years, but remember it being opening for me. The answer is…it's very complex and everything interacts with the other. I find the most confusing part of your logic that as people are exposed to stress and trauma (duration, frequency, intensity, etc.) they go into adrenal fatigue where they cannot mount a proper fight or flight. There is a lot of disease associated with that too. And research suggests that the hypocortisol state can be passed along to offspring. Which means they never get those peaks of hypercortisolism.
Read it and we can develop this further.
I had a consultation with the orthopedic surgeon today. He was surprised by my vegetarian diet, told me to drink whole cow's milk, and gave me some simple exercises to strengthen the food and stretch the ligaments and tendons. I told him my calcium is fine, my protein intake is adequate, and what I really need is to resume outside exercise and my weight will come back down, naturally. The good news is there is no fracture or metastasis- it looks like fascitis.
So I walked on the treadmill when I got home, and now it is aching even more. I am walking next week on the island…a lot. I hope it cooperates.
I spoke with S#3 today, she is fighting an infection- coughing and wheezing. She also has a stomach virus in the house. I hope this doesn't interfere with her coming along to BHI. I'm starting to worry that I'll be there by myself. I'd take a daughter if no one else was coming. They are on Spring Break next week. The younger one is acting in a murder mystery at a local winery, but the older one is free.
Anyway, I hope that you get a break in your weather. We're looking at 40 over the weekend. I need to get outside for more than just a quick walk to the car and back.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I de-bugged my computer and so I am back at this.
I will send the book out on Monday. Read it and see if you have any breakthroughs. I haven't read it cover-to-cover in 2 years, but remember it being opening for me. The answer is…it's very complex and everything interacts with the other. I find the most confusing part of your logic that as people are exposed to stress and trauma (duration, frequency, intensity, etc.) they go into adrenal fatigue where they cannot mount a proper fight or flight. There is a lot of disease associated with that too. And research suggests that the hypocortisol state can be passed along to offspring. Which means they never get those peaks of hypercortisolism.
Read it and we can develop this further.
I had a consultation with the orthopedic surgeon today. He was surprised by my vegetarian diet, told me to drink whole cow's milk, and gave me some simple exercises to strengthen the food and stretch the ligaments and tendons. I told him my calcium is fine, my protein intake is adequate, and what I really need is to resume outside exercise and my weight will come back down, naturally. The good news is there is no fracture or metastasis- it looks like fascitis.
So I walked on the treadmill when I got home, and now it is aching even more. I am walking next week on the island…a lot. I hope it cooperates.
I spoke with S#3 today, she is fighting an infection- coughing and wheezing. She also has a stomach virus in the house. I hope this doesn't interfere with her coming along to BHI. I'm starting to worry that I'll be there by myself. I'd take a daughter if no one else was coming. They are on Spring Break next week. The younger one is acting in a murder mystery at a local winery, but the older one is free.
Anyway, I hope that you get a break in your weather. We're looking at 40 over the weekend. I need to get outside for more than just a quick walk to the car and back.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Thursday, March 5, 2015
still
Hey Li'l Sister,
I remember reading Candace Pert's Molecules of Emotion many years ago. I know that the interactions between/among/caused by hormones is complex. But I just can't get past this feeling that we are addicted to stress, and to stress hormones,to cortisol. It just seems that when we create drama, it is to recreate that homey feeling of chaos, of not knowing what will happen next, not knowing if we are safe or not. That when we are safe, we feel unsettled, eerie, or maybe like there's too much room for something big to happen.
It seems that when we are calm, when there is no stress hormone pumping through our bodies, we know there is something wrong. We are in the wrong place. Maybe that is even the basis of I don't deserve...well, aside from Dad telling me I didn't deserve...
Maybe I am being naive, and stating the obvious, but this seems big to me, like a big breakthrough in the way I see myself, define myself, identify myself.
And I know we have talked about some of the remedies before - laugh, dance, sing, avoid processed foods. But I'm seeing a different layer, I guess.
I would love to borrow your book.
I am glad to know your sons are moving into a mellow period. My youngest child had another preadmission discussion and has to decide whether she would prefer general or spinal anaethesia. It is interesting to listen to her come to terms with what she has to do. The surgery is just a week away. I know she is nervous.
I am getting the feeling I get sometimes, where I dream of putting the dog in the car, getting in and driving until I find someplace interesting. Then I explore and move on.
I guess I'm tired, and definitely tired of winter. I'm tired of being cold, tired of being trapped in the house.
I wish something would change. Until then. I'll keep plugging ahead and wait for way to open...and hope I notice!
I love you, I miss you...
Clare
Hmmmmm...there is an eclipse later this month. That always brings something...
I remember reading Candace Pert's Molecules of Emotion many years ago. I know that the interactions between/among/caused by hormones is complex. But I just can't get past this feeling that we are addicted to stress, and to stress hormones,to cortisol. It just seems that when we create drama, it is to recreate that homey feeling of chaos, of not knowing what will happen next, not knowing if we are safe or not. That when we are safe, we feel unsettled, eerie, or maybe like there's too much room for something big to happen.
It seems that when we are calm, when there is no stress hormone pumping through our bodies, we know there is something wrong. We are in the wrong place. Maybe that is even the basis of I don't deserve...well, aside from Dad telling me I didn't deserve...
Maybe I am being naive, and stating the obvious, but this seems big to me, like a big breakthrough in the way I see myself, define myself, identify myself.
And I know we have talked about some of the remedies before - laugh, dance, sing, avoid processed foods. But I'm seeing a different layer, I guess.
I would love to borrow your book.
I am glad to know your sons are moving into a mellow period. My youngest child had another preadmission discussion and has to decide whether she would prefer general or spinal anaethesia. It is interesting to listen to her come to terms with what she has to do. The surgery is just a week away. I know she is nervous.
I am getting the feeling I get sometimes, where I dream of putting the dog in the car, getting in and driving until I find someplace interesting. Then I explore and move on.
I guess I'm tired, and definitely tired of winter. I'm tired of being cold, tired of being trapped in the house.
I wish something would change. Until then. I'll keep plugging ahead and wait for way to open...and hope I notice!
I love you, I miss you...
Clare
Hmmmmm...there is an eclipse later this month. That always brings something...
why zebras don't get ulcers
Clare,
Cortisol is the "king of the hormones"…
if cortisol isn't balanced, nothing works properly.
Cortisol has some amazing properties…
sugar doesn't really increase cortisol…
cortisol makes you crave fats and sugar to feed the fight-flight-freeze cascade in the body.
There is a great book, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers that discusses all of this in a very accessible way.
See if you can get your hands on it, if not, I'll send you my copy.
I believe that we are dependent upon feeding our fight or flight when we constantly worry, are hyper-vigilant, catastrophize, and generally make ourselves crazy. I'm not sure if it's the adrenaline (epinephrine), noradrenaline (norepinephrine) or cortisol that we crave. I have a feeling it's the adrenaline and noradrenaline and the cortisol is there as part of the cascade. It is difficult for me to tease out what the actual addiction is to…or perhaps a combination of all of the above's complex interactions.
It is snowing, again. I'm glad I'm not driving south today. I hope that the weather breaks and next week is sunny and calm. Going south to winter weather isn't exactly what I had in mind. But, I'll take whatever comes along. I'm really looking forward to a few days of relaxing and laughing with sisters. I need a break from my boys and husband and this is the perfect opportunity. Walking, biking, cooking, drinking wine, watching the dolphins and the stars…it will all be good.
I don't have much to say today. I am calmer. My sons are settled for the moment. We are still having battles with the younger, but the more consistent we are the less he pushes.
Last evening the older one said," You know, if I keep up on my work this cyber-thing is much better than real school." I hope he continues to think that and keep doing a little everyday.
I hope that all is well with your kids. Is your youngest getting nervous about surgery yet?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Cortisol is the "king of the hormones"…
if cortisol isn't balanced, nothing works properly.
Cortisol has some amazing properties…
sugar doesn't really increase cortisol…
cortisol makes you crave fats and sugar to feed the fight-flight-freeze cascade in the body.
There is a great book, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers that discusses all of this in a very accessible way.
See if you can get your hands on it, if not, I'll send you my copy.
I believe that we are dependent upon feeding our fight or flight when we constantly worry, are hyper-vigilant, catastrophize, and generally make ourselves crazy. I'm not sure if it's the adrenaline (epinephrine), noradrenaline (norepinephrine) or cortisol that we crave. I have a feeling it's the adrenaline and noradrenaline and the cortisol is there as part of the cascade. It is difficult for me to tease out what the actual addiction is to…or perhaps a combination of all of the above's complex interactions.
It is snowing, again. I'm glad I'm not driving south today. I hope that the weather breaks and next week is sunny and calm. Going south to winter weather isn't exactly what I had in mind. But, I'll take whatever comes along. I'm really looking forward to a few days of relaxing and laughing with sisters. I need a break from my boys and husband and this is the perfect opportunity. Walking, biking, cooking, drinking wine, watching the dolphins and the stars…it will all be good.
I don't have much to say today. I am calmer. My sons are settled for the moment. We are still having battles with the younger, but the more consistent we are the less he pushes.
Last evening the older one said," You know, if I keep up on my work this cyber-thing is much better than real school." I hope he continues to think that and keep doing a little everyday.
I hope that all is well with your kids. Is your youngest getting nervous about surgery yet?
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
addiction
Hi Maggie,
Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking about this cortisol/stress thing all day. I really wonder if it is possible to become addicted to cortisol, and to practice behaviors that release more and more cortisol until our adrenals are exhausted.
I know current lifestyle stimulates adrenals constantly, but I wonder if we add to it.
I think of Grandma - her crepey skin, the bags under her eyes, her constant worrying. Did she worry to maintain her cortisol levels as high as possible? It seems we might need the cortisol to remain hypervigilant. We learned young to stay awake, ready for something bad to happen at any time. When it finally happens, we can relax for a short time.
Anorexia keeps cortisol levels high. We have had a brush with that...was it to maintain cortisol levels?
I do the Grandma worry thing. We've discussed the magic of that in the past. If I worry hard enough, the bad thing does not happen. I am saving the world by maintaining vigilance. Sounds crazy...but I feel this.
Am I addicted to cortisol?
Alcohol consumption raises cortisol.
Sugar and cortisol work together...
MSG raises cortisol.
Gluten raises levels...
Smoking cigarettes raises levels...
It seems that all our favorite addictions raise cortisol. So how is numbing connected to elevated cortisol?
The more I read, the more it seems we are addicted to cortisol...right from the time of the first trauma.
Thoughts?
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thanks for the feedback. I have been thinking about this cortisol/stress thing all day. I really wonder if it is possible to become addicted to cortisol, and to practice behaviors that release more and more cortisol until our adrenals are exhausted.
I know current lifestyle stimulates adrenals constantly, but I wonder if we add to it.
I think of Grandma - her crepey skin, the bags under her eyes, her constant worrying. Did she worry to maintain her cortisol levels as high as possible? It seems we might need the cortisol to remain hypervigilant. We learned young to stay awake, ready for something bad to happen at any time. When it finally happens, we can relax for a short time.
Anorexia keeps cortisol levels high. We have had a brush with that...was it to maintain cortisol levels?
I do the Grandma worry thing. We've discussed the magic of that in the past. If I worry hard enough, the bad thing does not happen. I am saving the world by maintaining vigilance. Sounds crazy...but I feel this.
Am I addicted to cortisol?
Alcohol consumption raises cortisol.
Sugar and cortisol work together...
MSG raises cortisol.
Gluten raises levels...
Smoking cigarettes raises levels...
It seems that all our favorite addictions raise cortisol. So how is numbing connected to elevated cortisol?
The more I read, the more it seems we are addicted to cortisol...right from the time of the first trauma.
Thoughts?
Love and hugs,
Clare
understanding stress
Clare,
You are correct stress causes disease (dis-ease) and aging and a myriad of problems. I give a talk called Stress= Dis-Ease and touch on cortisol abnormality. It seems that too much cortisol is present during stress, but there comes a time when the adrenal shuts down and the levels get quite low and don't fluctuate in the presence of a stressor. This can even be passed from parent to child, some studies have shown. So, it is not surprising that your cortisol axis (Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis) is screwed up. Depression is one of the mental health issues associated with abnormal HPA function, as is anxiety. The connection between bipolar and eu/dis-stress is accurate.
I wrote a draft of an article today. As I was giving this talk last week I started to think about Harriet Tubman, the Underground Railroad, and her courage to go back to help others. There is a body of research that shows that people who pursue social work are wounded/traumatized at a much higher prevalence than average. So I wrote about social workers being analogous to Harriet Tubman- as she saved slaves- social workers go back into the swamp of trauma to bring other souls through it. I have most of the ideas written, now I have to shape it to say what I want it to mean.
I don't have the official reading on my bone scan yet, but husband's report is that the heel pain is most likely a stress fracture, there are no suspicious areas in my body, but I have some arthritis beginning in assorted places. That is all good news. I still have pain in my heel, but I am not fretting over the possibility of a recurrence.
We are supposed to get a 24 hour snowfall, so I stopped at the store on the way home and bought a lot of yarn. I've been making scarves since I cannot exercise. I think everyone will receive one for Christmas next year.
So, I agree with the ways to balance your cortisol…self-care is very important. Meditation, rest, good food, water, doing enjoyable activities are all important. It's the only thing that will make it better balanced.
Love and Light beautiful Sister,
Maggie
You are correct stress causes disease (dis-ease) and aging and a myriad of problems. I give a talk called Stress= Dis-Ease and touch on cortisol abnormality. It seems that too much cortisol is present during stress, but there comes a time when the adrenal shuts down and the levels get quite low and don't fluctuate in the presence of a stressor. This can even be passed from parent to child, some studies have shown. So, it is not surprising that your cortisol axis (Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis) is screwed up. Depression is one of the mental health issues associated with abnormal HPA function, as is anxiety. The connection between bipolar and eu/dis-stress is accurate.
I wrote a draft of an article today. As I was giving this talk last week I started to think about Harriet Tubman, the Underground Railroad, and her courage to go back to help others. There is a body of research that shows that people who pursue social work are wounded/traumatized at a much higher prevalence than average. So I wrote about social workers being analogous to Harriet Tubman- as she saved slaves- social workers go back into the swamp of trauma to bring other souls through it. I have most of the ideas written, now I have to shape it to say what I want it to mean.
I don't have the official reading on my bone scan yet, but husband's report is that the heel pain is most likely a stress fracture, there are no suspicious areas in my body, but I have some arthritis beginning in assorted places. That is all good news. I still have pain in my heel, but I am not fretting over the possibility of a recurrence.
We are supposed to get a 24 hour snowfall, so I stopped at the store on the way home and bought a lot of yarn. I've been making scarves since I cannot exercise. I think everyone will receive one for Christmas next year.
So, I agree with the ways to balance your cortisol…self-care is very important. Meditation, rest, good food, water, doing enjoyable activities are all important. It's the only thing that will make it better balanced.
Love and Light beautiful Sister,
Maggie
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
cortisol poisoning
I didn't know my middle of the night musings connected to the mystics of yore. Pretty cool.
I am happy that you made it home safely. I am holding my children in the Light, wanting them each to be safe, along with their families. We are getting snow, hail, sleet, ice rain and then back again. It is messy here. And the winds are howling...
I was reading a health oriented magazine. There was an article about the signs of aging and what each is connected to. I was reading through, gauging myself on each. I got to the page with the crepey skin and bags under the eyes - and there I was! I looked to see what my imbalance is - and it's too much cortisol. I have read up on cortisol in the past, but felt it was time to read again.
Too much cortisol in the body leads to the laundry list of old age symptoms - bone density loss, loss of collagen - i.e. wrinkles, loss of short term memory, abdominal weight gain - loss of figure...
Overproduction of cortisol in childhood lowers resilience and increases incidence of mental illness and depression. I think I even did this to my kids in utero.
I was reading about eustress and distress and the ways the body has to balance. But it sort of came to me that these two sides - eustress and distress- are much like the mania and depression of bipolar behavior. Is it possible that this is all tied to stress?
A child who does not feel connected will be in a state of stress - describes the nine of us. Described my children.
Then I read that calories restriction can lead to a state of increased cortisol. It made me think about anorexia and bulimia. Is it possible to be addicted to having too much cortisol and to use foods and behaviors to create a feeling of home? Can we be addicted to stress?
Also, cortisol overdose depresses thyroid function. I read, years ago, that trauma impacts and changes thyroid function. Is it cortisol poisoning?
I found a list of ways to turn off the cortisol flood, to possibly go back to a normal state where stress is not normal, to maybe regain some youth. The list included use of magnesium, Omega 3 oils, music, massage, laughing, black tea and dancing.
We're back where we were months ago. I don't laugh. I don't dance. I have never had a massage...I need to find ways to laugh. I need to be touched sometimes.
There is hope, maybe...
Deep in thought...waiting for your insight...
Love and hugs,
Clare
I am happy that you made it home safely. I am holding my children in the Light, wanting them each to be safe, along with their families. We are getting snow, hail, sleet, ice rain and then back again. It is messy here. And the winds are howling...
I was reading a health oriented magazine. There was an article about the signs of aging and what each is connected to. I was reading through, gauging myself on each. I got to the page with the crepey skin and bags under the eyes - and there I was! I looked to see what my imbalance is - and it's too much cortisol. I have read up on cortisol in the past, but felt it was time to read again.
Too much cortisol in the body leads to the laundry list of old age symptoms - bone density loss, loss of collagen - i.e. wrinkles, loss of short term memory, abdominal weight gain - loss of figure...
Overproduction of cortisol in childhood lowers resilience and increases incidence of mental illness and depression. I think I even did this to my kids in utero.
I was reading about eustress and distress and the ways the body has to balance. But it sort of came to me that these two sides - eustress and distress- are much like the mania and depression of bipolar behavior. Is it possible that this is all tied to stress?
A child who does not feel connected will be in a state of stress - describes the nine of us. Described my children.
Then I read that calories restriction can lead to a state of increased cortisol. It made me think about anorexia and bulimia. Is it possible to be addicted to having too much cortisol and to use foods and behaviors to create a feeling of home? Can we be addicted to stress?
Also, cortisol overdose depresses thyroid function. I read, years ago, that trauma impacts and changes thyroid function. Is it cortisol poisoning?
I found a list of ways to turn off the cortisol flood, to possibly go back to a normal state where stress is not normal, to maybe regain some youth. The list included use of magnesium, Omega 3 oils, music, massage, laughing, black tea and dancing.
We're back where we were months ago. I don't laugh. I don't dance. I have never had a massage...I need to find ways to laugh. I need to be touched sometimes.
There is hope, maybe...
Deep in thought...waiting for your insight...
Love and hugs,
Clare
D) All of the above
Clare,
Aaaahhhh the burning…
you're taking me back to St John of the Cross…
Love it.
I actually just received this print this week.
I am home, after a slippery drive that took 90 minutes. I am glad to be safe in my home. Today was interesting. I had a long conversation with a fellow worker who is not happy with the way the agency is heading. Hearing her insights I am a little concerned myself. I have given myself 6 months to decide on my next career step…I'm not sure where that will take me.
I just wish an opportunity would open for me…but I am afraid that you are correct- I'll have to create the opportunity.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Stay safe and warm,
Maggie
Aaaahhhh the burning…
you're taking me back to St John of the Cross…
Love it.
I actually just received this print this week.
http://www.dharmadoodles.com/gallery/
I love the images from this site.
Anyway, St John of the Cross wrote about people being green wood and that the trials of life are the fire that first dry the wood out, and then burn it slowly, and finally becoming the charcoal or embers that pass the fire along. Which would I choose? I choose D) All of the above.
I just wish an opportunity would open for me…but I am afraid that you are correct- I'll have to create the opportunity.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Stay safe and warm,
Maggie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)