Loathing, not ambivalence!

How was your family dinner?  I hope you all had a lot of fun, and made a sweet memory.

Along with your Reiki healer, I am sending as much love as you can handle.  Use it any way you want!

Ambivalence I can recognize, I can handle.  It is not shocking.  What shocked me was the flash of absolute loathing I felt for my body.  And it's interesting that you used the word vessel.  That is exactly the word that came and stayed with me.

I met a woman many years ago, a writer named Janine Parvati Baker. She was an herbalist and midwife.  I am a reel geek when it comes to herbalists.  I wouldn't recognize most movie stars, and so I would not react. But when I meet an herbalist, I become a blubbering, awestruck fool. I met Janine at an herbal conference.  We were both walking down a dirt road and we struck up a conversation about birthing and extended breastfeeding. I was really enjoying myself, until I realized who I was talking to. I froze.  I could tell she was wondering what happened...but...

Anyway, she asked a class of us once - what is the moving force of the universe?  The answer is pleasure.  And while she spoke, I understood.  I could see it.  But as with many teachings, it was logical. I could give the correct answer, but I didn't make it real.  I didn't make it my own.

In considering my hate-filled response, in  trying to understand and to change, I suddenly see our spirit as joy.  And we are given these wonderful vessels to play in, to play with.

It's like moving into a house and making it our own. We decorate in ways we find pleasing and comfortable. 

It has been so strange thinking of my body as my vessel, something to love and enjoy and take care of.  This is all novel for me.

Late last night, I had the impression of a turtle, carry home on her back.  Then I thought of the feathered turtle.

You were speculating about the balance in your body without breasts.  The house is different, it's changed.  But it's still beautiful and still a warm and comfortable spirit for your joy. And if you don't lose your breasts, I think you'll still be changed.  And if you have new breasts, like our cousin - it's still your house, and it will be beautiful.  I'm not   trying to be cavalier.  There will be changes that will be hard - change is always hard, but I have been thinking about birth defects and accidents - changes...differences...

I think maybe the Universe wants us to be passionate about this vessel...

Sending loving thoughts...

Clare