A little good news

Clare,
You are right, our father was not mature enough to be practicing detachment.
He was egocentric and angry because he didn't even like himself- let alone the rug rats he brought into the world.
When I see young women hurting from one relationship disaster after another I explain to them that they are not hard-wired for successful relationships. In my reading, I have come to understand that the first 2 years of life are critical for future relationship success. During that time the right brain is developing.
The right brain…
the part of us that is expansive and creative and life giving and connected to others…
it's all about attachments to our caregivers and consistency from those caregivers.
Time and time again I see women, and men, struggle…
wanting the attention of the other…
but not feeling they deserve the affection…
convinced they are unlivable and unlovable…
they are more comfortable when their significant other treats them like crap…
that's the familiar.
It's one of the reasons so many of us struggle with relationship…
it was at the heart and soul of my separation.
It is a struggle still to remain present…
stop myself from poking for excuses to make my escape…
especially when things get tough.

I am having a day of mild panic today.
Husband gave me a book, The Silver Lining, belatedly for Mother's Day…
Do you remember the What to Expect When You're Expecting books?
This is the same idea only written by a breast cancer survivor…
she tells it honestly…
sometimes with such a brutal honesty that it is frightening…
and yet I keep reading.
Last evening I was reading about her inadequate pain control post-surgery…
someone forgot to turn on the PCA pump…
and husband was going over the visa bills…
asking me about this charge and that…
I was in 2 different worlds and got very panicky…
How am I going to handle the day to day and still recover and journey through this next few months?
I still feel shaky and on edge.

I'll get by with a little help from my friends…
That's all I can do.

A friend of mine, a massage therapist is doing a massage and lymphatic drainage for me this evening. She insisted on doing this for me. I am looking forward to her conversation. She is a deeply spiritual woman and we can talk very clearly.
I did have some good news today- the estrogen and progesterone receptors are present/positive in the tumor- that means the tumor more closely acts like healthy breast tissue. I am still waiting to hear if chemotherapy will be needed, but if the last receptor is favorable I may get by without chemotherapy…using only tamoxifen as Mom did after her surgery.

I feel as if I am "nesting". I am cleaning and organizing. Taking care of completely wrapping up the pilot materials. I am mulching and cleaning up the yard and outside. I am switching closets from winter to summer clothes…all in anticipation of a probable month of no driving…and whatever else lies ahead.

Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie