A dancer

So, I've been having an interesting ride through my brain since I posted yesterday.

I went out to mow the lawn - which is contemplative for me.  I walk around in circles, sort of listing the herbs I am beheading in the name of conformity, and my mind chews on things.

I realized I have always hated my body. I am shocked.  I am truly shocked by this stream I have extracted from my life, from my psyche.

I thought about rape, and how that violation makes us dirty and unworthy, even though we  were simply the recipient of dominant male violence.   Even though we didn't ask for it, didn't want it, didn't deserve it.  Even so, we are dirty, used, disgusting, not good enough for anything else ever again.  We are garbage.

(Don't argue the logic, these are just the feelings that came bursting from my brain.)

But I went earlier, to a screaming place inside.  In this place, my body is the part of me that receives pain.  I don't want to feel this pain.  I hate my body because it attracts this pain, deserves this pain???  I don't know exactly.  But someone hurt me, really hurt me, before memory formed.  I only know pain.  I don't expect it, I don't understand it...

And now that I am old, I do expect it.  I am always waiting for the pain to come again.

And pain is received through the body.

Then I thought of how much I loved flowers and realized I can only experience flowers with my body.

Am I making any sense?????

And I thought of the blissful pain of giving birth, naturally, mostly trusted and unattended.  That was power.

That was this magnificent body!

Then, I watched a short video of a middle-aged Italian dancer.  She captured my attention and held me rapt.  I have always hated to dance because, as Dad always told me, I am fat, dumb and ugly.  I identify myself as clumsy, I am afraid to truly move my body, I am afraid to be watched/to be seen.  But I could feel my body doing what the dancer was doing.  And I remembered the joy of yoga, of belly dance, of dancing while alone.  I think there is a dancer inside of me.

But I don't know what to do with her.  She's a stranger...

So that's my latest revelation.  Maybe it came with that huge orange, full moon I watched last night.

How are you?  What is the latest in your house?  In your life?  In your body?

Know that I love you, little sister...

Clare