Clare,
Thanks for your generosity.
I think we do avoid talking about difficult subjects with people…
we fear that we might hurt them is some way…
but, the reality is that we fear that we will be uncomfortable.
I have been talking to people about my cancer…
because I want them to understand how important it is to check your breasts…
and I want them to not be afraid…
At baseball I saw a woman looking at me…
I knew husband had talked with her husband about helping him out when the schedule is tight…
so I brought it up…
she seemed relieved to not have to pretend to not know anymore…
I was relieved to talk about it.
I did have an opportunity to talk with the player who has hodgkins lymphoma and I asked about his treatments…
and school…
but I didn't share my story with him…
even though I want to tell him that he inspires hope in me.
I am really tired.
I think all of the nesting is finally catching up with me.
One more day of school for the boys…
then I can sleep in a bit…
even 7 am sounds heavenly.
I will check in tomorrow…
I love you and appreciate you so much,
Maggie
Friday, May 30, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Breasts
Hey Sister,
If you need a fat transplant, I'll be your donor.
I expect that you will continue to come to terms, then fall apart, then come to terms again. I'm on the outside, watching and wishing I could do more, but I expect it will be a long time after the surgery and follow up that you actually come to terms with having a different body, with victory over cancer.
It is good to respect and trust your healer.
I haven't spoken much with B#4 about his bladder cancer. I'm as guilty as the rest of the fam. And I remember when a friend's husband died, I was afraid to talk about it. I regret my cowardice now, and I was shocked by it then, but maybe we fear it is contagious, or we fear we will remind the person of the scary thing...
Because you have been in my thoughts most of the time, it triggers thoughts and memories. I was thinking about breasts, about my breasts. Mine used to be perfect. Gravity has changed that, but there was a time when I really liked mine.
Then I thought deeper. I wondered if I only liked them because the boys noticed. And I had a few flashes of memory. Mine sprouted early, and so I got a little extra attention. In truth, I didn't get attention, my body did. I remember a classmate pushing his arms into my breasts in science class. He never looked at my face. I could have been anyone/anything. I caught his eye and said, "They're real." and moved away. He was a little embarrassed and left me alone after that. I remember my boss, the owner of the restaurant I worked in during high school...we had to wear white uniforms with aprons. Mine had a zipper down the front. I was coming through the back room, taking plates to the dining room. Both hands were full. As I walked past my boss, he reached over and pulled my zipper down.
I was afraid to tell anyone. I also suspect I didn't think I was worth protecting. It would never have ever entered my mind that it was possible to live in a culture of respectful men who would never have considered touching my clothes.
More memories came, and suddenly I hated my breasts. I understood Mom's fears and knew why Grandma was so insistent that I wear a bra. I felt fear and hatred for any part of me that would attract male attention, and attract male violence. I thought about breasts as a reason or a focus for male attacks.
And I recalled a Friend who was raped for years by an uncle or stepfather, I don't remember clearly, but it was by a man who should have been protecting her. She was 4 years old when it began. She didn't have breasts. I guess having a vagina is the key, the commodity, it's what we owe any male who asks or demands.
I read some statistics from NPR or PBS yesterday. These figures were gathered for the period between 2001 and 2012. In that time 3,073 Americans were killed by terrorists; 2,002 US troops were killed in Afghanistan; 4,486 UN troops were killed in Iraq AND...11,766American women were killed by their husbands or boyfriends...there is no safe place.
And so I have been lost in this hidden war against women. It is so pervasive, yet so invisible.
Our niece is leaving an abusive relationship, and I was skulking on Facebook, reading posts and thinking about it. As I read his, and thinking about what he has done, I could only ask, "What universe is he living in?" He does not perceive his violence.
Bad day...I'm lost in this.
I'm also back to wishing I lived next door, so I could hover and be awkwardly supportive.
I love you,
Clare
If you need a fat transplant, I'll be your donor.
I expect that you will continue to come to terms, then fall apart, then come to terms again. I'm on the outside, watching and wishing I could do more, but I expect it will be a long time after the surgery and follow up that you actually come to terms with having a different body, with victory over cancer.
It is good to respect and trust your healer.
I haven't spoken much with B#4 about his bladder cancer. I'm as guilty as the rest of the fam. And I remember when a friend's husband died, I was afraid to talk about it. I regret my cowardice now, and I was shocked by it then, but maybe we fear it is contagious, or we fear we will remind the person of the scary thing...
Because you have been in my thoughts most of the time, it triggers thoughts and memories. I was thinking about breasts, about my breasts. Mine used to be perfect. Gravity has changed that, but there was a time when I really liked mine.
Then I thought deeper. I wondered if I only liked them because the boys noticed. And I had a few flashes of memory. Mine sprouted early, and so I got a little extra attention. In truth, I didn't get attention, my body did. I remember a classmate pushing his arms into my breasts in science class. He never looked at my face. I could have been anyone/anything. I caught his eye and said, "They're real." and moved away. He was a little embarrassed and left me alone after that. I remember my boss, the owner of the restaurant I worked in during high school...we had to wear white uniforms with aprons. Mine had a zipper down the front. I was coming through the back room, taking plates to the dining room. Both hands were full. As I walked past my boss, he reached over and pulled my zipper down.
I was afraid to tell anyone. I also suspect I didn't think I was worth protecting. It would never have ever entered my mind that it was possible to live in a culture of respectful men who would never have considered touching my clothes.
More memories came, and suddenly I hated my breasts. I understood Mom's fears and knew why Grandma was so insistent that I wear a bra. I felt fear and hatred for any part of me that would attract male attention, and attract male violence. I thought about breasts as a reason or a focus for male attacks.
And I recalled a Friend who was raped for years by an uncle or stepfather, I don't remember clearly, but it was by a man who should have been protecting her. She was 4 years old when it began. She didn't have breasts. I guess having a vagina is the key, the commodity, it's what we owe any male who asks or demands.
I read some statistics from NPR or PBS yesterday. These figures were gathered for the period between 2001 and 2012. In that time 3,073 Americans were killed by terrorists; 2,002 US troops were killed in Afghanistan; 4,486 UN troops were killed in Iraq AND...11,766American women were killed by their husbands or boyfriends...there is no safe place.
And so I have been lost in this hidden war against women. It is so pervasive, yet so invisible.
Our niece is leaving an abusive relationship, and I was skulking on Facebook, reading posts and thinking about it. As I read his, and thinking about what he has done, I could only ask, "What universe is he living in?" He does not perceive his violence.
Bad day...I'm lost in this.
I'm also back to wishing I lived next door, so I could hover and be awkwardly supportive.
I love you,
Clare
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Update after the surgeon
Clare,
I just returned from the surgeon's office…
I like him.
He's personable, direct, and patient.
He told me that there are 9 tumors in my right breast…
4 that I've told you about previously and 5 other areas that light up like a christmas tree with contrast…
meaning they are metabolically active areas…
since 3 of 3 biopsies were cancerous he expects all of them to be small cancers as well.
The first thing he said was, "Wow, you're MRI is really scary"…
We've decided to have a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I need to meet with the plastic surgeon to plan the reconstruction. He told me that I don't have enough extra fat to do a flap, so an implant will be the way to go. They will put a temporary tissue expander in at the time of surgery, add saline to it periodically until it is the size we want, and then they will replace it with a more permanent implant. That means another surgery in 4 - 6 months.
He was optimistic that surgery should cure this…
I hope he's right.
Chemo will be decided upon after the pathologists go over all of the breast tissue and lymph nodes. They inject a substance that moves into the lymph nodes the day before surgery and then remove the ones that drain first…those should theoretically be the ones with any metastasis in them.
All of this is so strange…
yesterday I told you that I had come to terms with this…
today I had a mild anxiety attack and have been near tears several times.
I guess it won't be processed until it is all over and then some.
I love you,
Maggie
I just returned from the surgeon's office…
I like him.
He's personable, direct, and patient.
He told me that there are 9 tumors in my right breast…
4 that I've told you about previously and 5 other areas that light up like a christmas tree with contrast…
meaning they are metabolically active areas…
since 3 of 3 biopsies were cancerous he expects all of them to be small cancers as well.
The first thing he said was, "Wow, you're MRI is really scary"…
We've decided to have a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I need to meet with the plastic surgeon to plan the reconstruction. He told me that I don't have enough extra fat to do a flap, so an implant will be the way to go. They will put a temporary tissue expander in at the time of surgery, add saline to it periodically until it is the size we want, and then they will replace it with a more permanent implant. That means another surgery in 4 - 6 months.
He was optimistic that surgery should cure this…
I hope he's right.
Chemo will be decided upon after the pathologists go over all of the breast tissue and lymph nodes. They inject a substance that moves into the lymph nodes the day before surgery and then remove the ones that drain first…those should theoretically be the ones with any metastasis in them.
All of this is so strange…
yesterday I told you that I had come to terms with this…
today I had a mild anxiety attack and have been near tears several times.
I guess it won't be processed until it is all over and then some.
I love you,
Maggie
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Coming to terms
violence--> pain--> substance abuse--> violence
Yeah… that is one of the cycles that our society is caught up in.
It is the one driving interpersonal violence as well as societal violence…
it is a cycle that repeats and grows.
Even in our own bodies we are violated…
we experience physical and emotional pain…
and then we numb which makes us violate ourselves once again.
Today was a good day…
I saw my reiki healer…
she is working to keep me strong.
She "plugged" me into the universal energy today…
extended specific grids to allow me to tap into connectedness with the universe…
I can't wait to put that to the test.
She also noted that my first and second chakras were murky again…a survival thing she commented.
I think it has to do with my still wanting connection with the family…
I am wondering what the lesson for my family relationships will be through all of this…
re-connect or release?
I spoke with S#3 and B#4 today…
it was good to talk with them.
I have not heard from the other brothers at all…
and S# 4 & 5 wanted genetic information from me…offering a perfunctory "hope you're all right".
S#4 contacted me through S#3…didn't even make a direct contact.
I sent Mom an email last week after the oncology visit and I haven't heard a word.
I sometimes wonder if she even reads my stuff.
Oh well, at least they are all consistent.
I am actually coming to terms with this diagnosis…
at least for now…
I am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of surgery…
still scared of chemo….hopefully I can skip that part.
I find the more I tell people the less intimidating it becomes…
more and more people tell stories of their own, or their family members' journeys with breast cancer…
and it is so hopeful.
My youngest is playing baseball…
a young man on his team is just finishing chemo for Hodgkins lymphoma…
the other evening he pitched for 4 innings…
striking out a number of batters…
at the end he sat on the mound, asked for water, and high 5'ed the other players as they walked by…
he was spent, but happy…
what an inspiration…
He's bald, can barely run because of nerve damage from the chemo, and yet he is out there playing…
what a spirit!
I hope you have a wonderful night/day,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Yeah… that is one of the cycles that our society is caught up in.
It is the one driving interpersonal violence as well as societal violence…
it is a cycle that repeats and grows.
Even in our own bodies we are violated…
we experience physical and emotional pain…
and then we numb which makes us violate ourselves once again.
Today was a good day…
I saw my reiki healer…
she is working to keep me strong.
She "plugged" me into the universal energy today…
extended specific grids to allow me to tap into connectedness with the universe…
I can't wait to put that to the test.
She also noted that my first and second chakras were murky again…a survival thing she commented.
I think it has to do with my still wanting connection with the family…
I am wondering what the lesson for my family relationships will be through all of this…
re-connect or release?
I spoke with S#3 and B#4 today…
it was good to talk with them.
I have not heard from the other brothers at all…
and S# 4 & 5 wanted genetic information from me…offering a perfunctory "hope you're all right".
S#4 contacted me through S#3…didn't even make a direct contact.
I sent Mom an email last week after the oncology visit and I haven't heard a word.
I sometimes wonder if she even reads my stuff.
Oh well, at least they are all consistent.
I am actually coming to terms with this diagnosis…
at least for now…
I am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of surgery…
still scared of chemo….hopefully I can skip that part.
I find the more I tell people the less intimidating it becomes…
more and more people tell stories of their own, or their family members' journeys with breast cancer…
and it is so hopeful.
My youngest is playing baseball…
a young man on his team is just finishing chemo for Hodgkins lymphoma…
the other evening he pitched for 4 innings…
striking out a number of batters…
at the end he sat on the mound, asked for water, and high 5'ed the other players as they walked by…
he was spent, but happy…
what an inspiration…
He's bald, can barely run because of nerve damage from the chemo, and yet he is out there playing…
what a spirit!
I hope you have a wonderful night/day,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, May 26, 2014
Perfect days
I was in an RC session with a friend once and she talked to me about how perfect the universe was, and our galaxy - it is so amazingly beautiful. And our solar system, and our planet. We talked about the seasons and the critters on the planet and thought about how perfect it was. Then she pointed out that I am just as perfect, I am part of this creation. And I completely broke down sobbing.
Today was a gorgeous day. I spent most of it outside. I am a little sunburned and my muscles are sore. I was grubby and salty with sweat. A nice hot shower helped that. I am grateful for hot running water!! I was tired, so I sat at the picnic table for a few minutes. I heard the wind. I felt the sun. I was gazing at the sky and I saw a robin stop on the tip of the pine tree out back. It was carrying something in its beak. I thought of the fledgling I saw earlier this week, and realized this robin maybe starting a second family of the season. Then I realized, this is what I need to be healthy. Instead I sit at my desk from 5:30 am - 1:30 pm, everyday. I have 30minutes when I can get up and move. Then I spend a few more hours back at the desk writing reports. When I'm done, it's time to make dinner...I don't spend enough time outside. I don't have those perfect little moments when I can sit and listen to the wind. But I need this to be healthy, to be alive...
I had a thought, and I'm not sure how you'll feel about it. But in the middle of the night there was an equasion, of sorts. Violence is the tool. It causes pain, which is the malady. And the remedy is marijuana. Then if people need to dull their pain, the system gets to use violence.
Time to make dinner...
Hope you are enjoying this perfect day.
Love and hugs from Clare
Today was a gorgeous day. I spent most of it outside. I am a little sunburned and my muscles are sore. I was grubby and salty with sweat. A nice hot shower helped that. I am grateful for hot running water!! I was tired, so I sat at the picnic table for a few minutes. I heard the wind. I felt the sun. I was gazing at the sky and I saw a robin stop on the tip of the pine tree out back. It was carrying something in its beak. I thought of the fledgling I saw earlier this week, and realized this robin maybe starting a second family of the season. Then I realized, this is what I need to be healthy. Instead I sit at my desk from 5:30 am - 1:30 pm, everyday. I have 30minutes when I can get up and move. Then I spend a few more hours back at the desk writing reports. When I'm done, it's time to make dinner...I don't spend enough time outside. I don't have those perfect little moments when I can sit and listen to the wind. But I need this to be healthy, to be alive...
I had a thought, and I'm not sure how you'll feel about it. But in the middle of the night there was an equasion, of sorts. Violence is the tool. It causes pain, which is the malady. And the remedy is marijuana. Then if people need to dull their pain, the system gets to use violence.
Time to make dinner...
Hope you are enjoying this perfect day.
Love and hugs from Clare
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Truth
Clare,
I need you in my life too.
The violence is really a reaction to the violations we've endured.
Our bodies hold onto the memories, even if we lock them away where we believe they are inaccessible…
But they come forth, one way or another.
So many of the people I counsel have been mistreated or neglected as children.
I want to hug them and tell them they are worthy, lovable, likable, and deserve respect and affection.
And many of them I do say those things to…
their reaction is precious…
they look at me as if I am lying…
but I maintain steady eye contact and eventually they see that I am speaking truth…
then tears well up.
It is especially sad that this may be the first time they heard those words.
We are so wounded…
not one of us is truly whole, unless we've done the difficult work of pulling our pieces back together.
I am headed to a wedding of a young woman who I truly admire.
She babysat for me from the time she was 15…
she is smart, beautiful and compassionate.
She graduated dental school last week and is being married today.
It will be a good day to see old friends and catch up.
I love you,
Maggie
I need you in my life too.
The violence is really a reaction to the violations we've endured.
Our bodies hold onto the memories, even if we lock them away where we believe they are inaccessible…
But they come forth, one way or another.
So many of the people I counsel have been mistreated or neglected as children.
I want to hug them and tell them they are worthy, lovable, likable, and deserve respect and affection.
And many of them I do say those things to…
their reaction is precious…
they look at me as if I am lying…
but I maintain steady eye contact and eventually they see that I am speaking truth…
then tears well up.
It is especially sad that this may be the first time they heard those words.
We are so wounded…
not one of us is truly whole, unless we've done the difficult work of pulling our pieces back together.
I am headed to a wedding of a young woman who I truly admire.
She babysat for me from the time she was 15…
she is smart, beautiful and compassionate.
She graduated dental school last week and is being married today.
It will be a good day to see old friends and catch up.
I love you,
Maggie
Thoughts on violence
Yesterday was the national march against Monsanto. Living rurally means there is never much in the way of massive public protest. But I was there in my heart. And what's more, I continue to educate myself, and avoid Monsanto and companies that use their products.
Pretty much, we have to eat local and organic. That simplifies our foods and improves our health.
Yesterday I also saw a brief video on Facebook. It was of a young mother hitting her crying toddler with a pillow. She hit the child 4 or 5 times, stopped, hugged herself and rocked the way we do when our stomach really hurts, then did it again - hit her child with the pillow. I couldn't watch, but I couldn't avoid seeing it over and over in my head. The comments below were all about the mom being evil incarnate.
I saw it differently. I wanted to rush in and hug the mother, and hold the child. The mother is not evil. She is alone and in pain. The mother is trapped in the most violent society ever. We are being trained to see one little snippet of truth, then judge - and judge without compassion. This squeezing out of critical thought is the problem.
I knew one young mother who was harsh with her son after his father beat her. Violence comes from being violated. I would bet that this young mother in the video was beaten the same way, and that scared, pain-filled child is still inside her.
Instead of being held up as a symbol of evil, we all need to open our hearts and understand we need community. This mother should not be alone with her child. She needs her sisters and brothers, her grandma and aunts, her mama. When we are there for each other, violence is limited.
I was thinking about the effects of violence on our psyche and our health, and suddenly I saw the wanton spreading of poison on our land, on insects, on plants that don't earn corporate money, and maybe accidentally - but still in reality - on birds and mammal...suddenly the sickness seemed the same. Somehow the violence of poisoning the planet hit me in a whole new way.
Legally, we can't stop them - the producers of poisons (Did you know Monsanto CEO High Grant only eats organic foods?) legally. The corporations have too much money, and have purchased the souls of our lawmakers. But we can stop them by turning our backs on their products. We educate ourselves, we look at what they are doing and we say "No thanks." We must do the same with the culture that is sprinkling the poison of violence all through our lives. We must refuse to be separated. We need our communities, we need each other. We have to stop labeling and rejecting, and embrace.
I need you in my life. Be joyful and healthy.
Love from Clare
Pretty much, we have to eat local and organic. That simplifies our foods and improves our health.
Yesterday I also saw a brief video on Facebook. It was of a young mother hitting her crying toddler with a pillow. She hit the child 4 or 5 times, stopped, hugged herself and rocked the way we do when our stomach really hurts, then did it again - hit her child with the pillow. I couldn't watch, but I couldn't avoid seeing it over and over in my head. The comments below were all about the mom being evil incarnate.
I saw it differently. I wanted to rush in and hug the mother, and hold the child. The mother is not evil. She is alone and in pain. The mother is trapped in the most violent society ever. We are being trained to see one little snippet of truth, then judge - and judge without compassion. This squeezing out of critical thought is the problem.
I knew one young mother who was harsh with her son after his father beat her. Violence comes from being violated. I would bet that this young mother in the video was beaten the same way, and that scared, pain-filled child is still inside her.
Instead of being held up as a symbol of evil, we all need to open our hearts and understand we need community. This mother should not be alone with her child. She needs her sisters and brothers, her grandma and aunts, her mama. When we are there for each other, violence is limited.
I was thinking about the effects of violence on our psyche and our health, and suddenly I saw the wanton spreading of poison on our land, on insects, on plants that don't earn corporate money, and maybe accidentally - but still in reality - on birds and mammal...suddenly the sickness seemed the same. Somehow the violence of poisoning the planet hit me in a whole new way.
Legally, we can't stop them - the producers of poisons (Did you know Monsanto CEO High Grant only eats organic foods?) legally. The corporations have too much money, and have purchased the souls of our lawmakers. But we can stop them by turning our backs on their products. We educate ourselves, we look at what they are doing and we say "No thanks." We must do the same with the culture that is sprinkling the poison of violence all through our lives. We must refuse to be separated. We need our communities, we need each other. We have to stop labeling and rejecting, and embrace.
I need you in my life. Be joyful and healthy.
Love from Clare
Friday, May 23, 2014
It's not a war
I think that maybe if you surrender to the lesson, the cancer won't need to go any further. So it's not really surrendering to the disease. I think this is what your Reiki healer fears. Again, it's the shortfall of language. We can almost express ourselves.
One thing that is important is to rid our lives, our minds, our bodies of violent war-based language. I don't think it can lead to healing. As I write this I am getting the image in large scale and small scale. In life, I don't think violence is ever the way to peace. And I don't think warring with the body will bring us to a place of health. It might take us to a temporary remission, but not to health.
I have spoken with someone who has struggled and was almost conquered by a candida infection. And she battles it all the time. Her health is so shaky. I started reading about why we have yeast in our systems. There's a reason. But she is at war with that of herself. She may be surviving, but she is not living. She is not healthy. The war needs to end.
You say cancer is a threat to the life you have created. I have been thinking about that. It is very profound. What is not authentic in your life? So much of it seems well-thought-out, well-settled. You are using your talents and education to help people, you don't settle for sliding by...
Another lesson that came to my mind is humility...having to accept what others have to offer. That could be mine, though.
It sounds as if your tumors are like Mom's and not Aunt Sis'. Sigh of relief.
I just keep thinking you are accepting, and even seeking the lessons, and so you do not need anything more aggressive.
I have three days off in a row - well, sort of. I have the baby tomorrow, but the alarm will not go off at 5:00 am! I am planning to be in vegetable planting frenzy! I want to plant some veggies in spackle buckets, so it will be easy for little eyes to find, and little fingers to harvest.
As usual, it's night and I am exhausted.
Love from Clare
One thing that is important is to rid our lives, our minds, our bodies of violent war-based language. I don't think it can lead to healing. As I write this I am getting the image in large scale and small scale. In life, I don't think violence is ever the way to peace. And I don't think warring with the body will bring us to a place of health. It might take us to a temporary remission, but not to health.
I have spoken with someone who has struggled and was almost conquered by a candida infection. And she battles it all the time. Her health is so shaky. I started reading about why we have yeast in our systems. There's a reason. But she is at war with that of herself. She may be surviving, but she is not living. She is not healthy. The war needs to end.
You say cancer is a threat to the life you have created. I have been thinking about that. It is very profound. What is not authentic in your life? So much of it seems well-thought-out, well-settled. You are using your talents and education to help people, you don't settle for sliding by...
Another lesson that came to my mind is humility...having to accept what others have to offer. That could be mine, though.
It sounds as if your tumors are like Mom's and not Aunt Sis'. Sigh of relief.
I just keep thinking you are accepting, and even seeking the lessons, and so you do not need anything more aggressive.
I have three days off in a row - well, sort of. I have the baby tomorrow, but the alarm will not go off at 5:00 am! I am planning to be in vegetable planting frenzy! I want to plant some veggies in spackle buckets, so it will be easy for little eyes to find, and little fingers to harvest.
As usual, it's night and I am exhausted.
Love from Clare
Opening to the lessons
Clare,
I am well.
I experienced a paradigm shift this past week…it needed to happen.
I have been bouncing between guilt (years of Diet Coke) and I always knew this would happen to me…
and then I opened to the lessons this holds.
This cancer is the parent that will nudge me from the comfort and safety of the nest…
encourage me to step out…
and soar.
This cancer isn't a threat to my mortal life...
it is a threat to the life I've created and have been living…
I have been living on the edge of discovery…
moving closer and closer to fully embracing who I am…
at my center…
and this will hopefully be the push I need to take that leap of faith.
From the moment I heard I needed a biopsy I knew this was cancer.
But I also knew it would not be the end of my life.
It will be a rough period…
but not the end.
I tried to explain my attitude of surrender to my reiki healer…
she told me not to allow this to take over my body…
don't give it permission to advance.
That's not what I meant.
I am surrendering to the divine lessons within the cancer experience.
Honesty
Vulnerability
Forgiveness
Patience
What ever comes- I welcome and embrace.
I am already blessed to have people I would not expect to offer to help step forward.
I am disappointed that some of our siblings have failed to acknowledge the diagnosis.
But I realize they are dealing with their own fears, filters, and prejudices- it's not about me…
it's their experience with all of this.
So- the good news is that the largest of the tumors is a nonaggressive type…
despite micro invasion the oncologist feels I can do without chemo…
That all is prefaced with, "depending upon what we see at surgery".
But for now I can breathe easier.
My thoughts have been so foggy for the past month…
perhaps I can have a sunny afternoon and really get some perspective.
Hopefully the rain has passed and I can get out to mulch today and over the weekend.
Love and Light to you my sister…
Maggie
I am well.
I experienced a paradigm shift this past week…it needed to happen.
I have been bouncing between guilt (years of Diet Coke) and I always knew this would happen to me…
and then I opened to the lessons this holds.
This cancer is the parent that will nudge me from the comfort and safety of the nest…
encourage me to step out…
and soar.
This cancer isn't a threat to my mortal life...
it is a threat to the life I've created and have been living…
I have been living on the edge of discovery…
moving closer and closer to fully embracing who I am…
at my center…
and this will hopefully be the push I need to take that leap of faith.
From the moment I heard I needed a biopsy I knew this was cancer.
But I also knew it would not be the end of my life.
It will be a rough period…
but not the end.
I tried to explain my attitude of surrender to my reiki healer…
she told me not to allow this to take over my body…
don't give it permission to advance.
That's not what I meant.
I am surrendering to the divine lessons within the cancer experience.
Honesty
Vulnerability
Forgiveness
Patience
What ever comes- I welcome and embrace.
I am already blessed to have people I would not expect to offer to help step forward.
I am disappointed that some of our siblings have failed to acknowledge the diagnosis.
But I realize they are dealing with their own fears, filters, and prejudices- it's not about me…
it's their experience with all of this.
So- the good news is that the largest of the tumors is a nonaggressive type…
despite micro invasion the oncologist feels I can do without chemo…
That all is prefaced with, "depending upon what we see at surgery".
But for now I can breathe easier.
My thoughts have been so foggy for the past month…
perhaps I can have a sunny afternoon and really get some perspective.
Hopefully the rain has passed and I can get out to mulch today and over the weekend.
Love and Light to you my sister…
Maggie
Thursday, May 22, 2014
nature lessons
Hi Honey!
Today is Nature Day at my house. She has been teaching me.
Actually, the first lesson was from yesterday. I was at my desk and I began to notice and insistent cheeping. I went to the window, and I saw a fledgling robin sitting on the low branch of the pine tree out back. A parent robin was nearby, cheeping encouragement. After a few moments, the baby fluttered to another branch, because a larger bird displaced it. It was the other parent, who had been sitting on the ground. Then the babe drew on its courage, and flew to my wheelbarrow and perched on the handle. One of the parents swooped by and flew to the garden fence, where cheeping continued - "C'mon my child - you can do it. Fly to Papa."
The fledgling flew back into the pine tree, and I had to go back to work.
But I thought about recent comments about pushing the baby bird from the nest. Obviously, when that happens both parents stay close to protect, guide, encourage.
Just seemed like an important footnote to our conversation.
I get up for work at 5:00 am. My bedroom window opens on a few wooded, brushy acres. A friend reminded me that we are at the height of songbird migration. The birds migrate at night and spend the day resting in brushy, wooded areas. In the morning I hear full avian orchestra, and I wonder which travelers are nearby. But yesterday, I wondered how the first-timers were doing. I thought about my little fledgling, and the flight that is coming in just a few months.
Today's lesson was...I'm still not sure. Maybe surrender. I was on the phone, and thunder started rumbling in the distance. It seemed like it would pass north of the house. Then, quickly, the sky was black and low and it was pouring rain. I saw a white thing...I thought...then another...then the sky and the ground were all hail. Hail ranging in size from a raspberry to a small apricot. It was bouncing off the cars, the house, the skylights, the roof. Bangs echoed through the house. It couldn't tell if it would stop. It turned to furious, heavy rain, then back to bigger hail.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't think of anything to do. I had one of those awesome/awe-filled moments when I understood the power of nature and the insignificant power of a human.
We must endure, we must trust.
I felt so teeny, tiny, part of it all...but such a small part.
Took me back to my feelings while reading the Kingsolver book. Things are changing, things we can't control, and they will never be the same again - ever.
I thought about some of my gifts of adversity and asked for the lesson. The lessons are about the use of tools, both conventional and alternative. And about hiding - from feelings and from people...about being soft, but appropriately.
Always more to think about.
How are you?
Love and virtual hugs,
Clare
Today is Nature Day at my house. She has been teaching me.
Actually, the first lesson was from yesterday. I was at my desk and I began to notice and insistent cheeping. I went to the window, and I saw a fledgling robin sitting on the low branch of the pine tree out back. A parent robin was nearby, cheeping encouragement. After a few moments, the baby fluttered to another branch, because a larger bird displaced it. It was the other parent, who had been sitting on the ground. Then the babe drew on its courage, and flew to my wheelbarrow and perched on the handle. One of the parents swooped by and flew to the garden fence, where cheeping continued - "C'mon my child - you can do it. Fly to Papa."
The fledgling flew back into the pine tree, and I had to go back to work.
But I thought about recent comments about pushing the baby bird from the nest. Obviously, when that happens both parents stay close to protect, guide, encourage.
Just seemed like an important footnote to our conversation.
I get up for work at 5:00 am. My bedroom window opens on a few wooded, brushy acres. A friend reminded me that we are at the height of songbird migration. The birds migrate at night and spend the day resting in brushy, wooded areas. In the morning I hear full avian orchestra, and I wonder which travelers are nearby. But yesterday, I wondered how the first-timers were doing. I thought about my little fledgling, and the flight that is coming in just a few months.
Today's lesson was...I'm still not sure. Maybe surrender. I was on the phone, and thunder started rumbling in the distance. It seemed like it would pass north of the house. Then, quickly, the sky was black and low and it was pouring rain. I saw a white thing...I thought...then another...then the sky and the ground were all hail. Hail ranging in size from a raspberry to a small apricot. It was bouncing off the cars, the house, the skylights, the roof. Bangs echoed through the house. It couldn't tell if it would stop. It turned to furious, heavy rain, then back to bigger hail.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't think of anything to do. I had one of those awesome/awe-filled moments when I understood the power of nature and the insignificant power of a human.
We must endure, we must trust.
I felt so teeny, tiny, part of it all...but such a small part.
Took me back to my feelings while reading the Kingsolver book. Things are changing, things we can't control, and they will never be the same again - ever.
I thought about some of my gifts of adversity and asked for the lesson. The lessons are about the use of tools, both conventional and alternative. And about hiding - from feelings and from people...about being soft, but appropriately.
Always more to think about.
How are you?
Love and virtual hugs,
Clare
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
And the lesson is.......
Hey Maggie,
I watched the TED talk you posted. She teaches that within every adversity is the seed of equal or greater opportunity. And that we should ask our adversities: What are you here to teach me? What struck me was her statement that adversity is a gift wrapped in ugly paper.
And, your Reiki healer's admonishment to work on forgiveness stays with me still. So when the speaker said her issues of healing were self-love, forgiveness and resistance to joy, I "heard" her. Forgiveness is still calling me into it's tender arms, to linger, to experience, to understand. Then, perhaps, I will feel the joy.
So, my sister, what is it that this cancer is teaching you? And as you go though this whole process, what is it you are teaching those of us who love you? The speaker said we teach what we need to learn.
How are your kids adjusting? I have been holding your sons in the Light.
No chemo would be a gift. I understand the process, but it seems so harsh, so hard on the body. Many of your recent posts have announced a bit more good luck. I think you are learning the lessons well.
Today is a rainy day, so I haven't been out in the yard or the garden. My lawn is a patchwork. I can only mow for short periods before it rains or I run out of time. But today I feel exhausted, and so I am glad it is raining. It is the perfect excuse to sit still and relax. This weekend will be the big gardening weekend - I hope!
I think it's time for bed. I love you. Sleep well.
Love from Clare
I watched the TED talk you posted. She teaches that within every adversity is the seed of equal or greater opportunity. And that we should ask our adversities: What are you here to teach me? What struck me was her statement that adversity is a gift wrapped in ugly paper.
And, your Reiki healer's admonishment to work on forgiveness stays with me still. So when the speaker said her issues of healing were self-love, forgiveness and resistance to joy, I "heard" her. Forgiveness is still calling me into it's tender arms, to linger, to experience, to understand. Then, perhaps, I will feel the joy.
So, my sister, what is it that this cancer is teaching you? And as you go though this whole process, what is it you are teaching those of us who love you? The speaker said we teach what we need to learn.
How are your kids adjusting? I have been holding your sons in the Light.
No chemo would be a gift. I understand the process, but it seems so harsh, so hard on the body. Many of your recent posts have announced a bit more good luck. I think you are learning the lessons well.
Today is a rainy day, so I haven't been out in the yard or the garden. My lawn is a patchwork. I can only mow for short periods before it rains or I run out of time. But today I feel exhausted, and so I am glad it is raining. It is the perfect excuse to sit still and relax. This weekend will be the big gardening weekend - I hope!
I think it's time for bed. I love you. Sleep well.
Love from Clare
Breathing easier
Clare,
I decided yesterday to let this disease teach me something deeper about myself. This morning I found a TED talk video and shared it on Facebook. The young woman shared her story, and the realization that within every adversity lies the seed of discovery, learning and greatness. I am not paraphrasing it well…you can watch it and see for yourself.
Today I met the oncologist…
a very nice, middle aged woman who told me that from the present information that we have about the tumors no chemotherapy will be necessary. If I choose to have bilateral mastectomy I won't even need Tamoxifen. That made me feel so much better. Surgery is invasive…but poisoning my body intentionally makes me really uncomfortable. She will see us back after surgery to review the final pathology on the whole tumors…not just little pieces of them.
So, for today I can breathe a little easier.
And be grateful for that news.
Got to run…
Love and Light,
Maggie
I decided yesterday to let this disease teach me something deeper about myself. This morning I found a TED talk video and shared it on Facebook. The young woman shared her story, and the realization that within every adversity lies the seed of discovery, learning and greatness. I am not paraphrasing it well…you can watch it and see for yourself.
Today I met the oncologist…
a very nice, middle aged woman who told me that from the present information that we have about the tumors no chemotherapy will be necessary. If I choose to have bilateral mastectomy I won't even need Tamoxifen. That made me feel so much better. Surgery is invasive…but poisoning my body intentionally makes me really uncomfortable. She will see us back after surgery to review the final pathology on the whole tumors…not just little pieces of them.
So, for today I can breathe a little easier.
And be grateful for that news.
Got to run…
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Fly!
Hi Maggie,
My resident granddaughter is getting very bold. She is pulling herself up on the furniture and cruising. She sits up and gets around. She sits right on the edge of the bed, and doesn't seem to notice the danger. The other day, I could hear that she was waking from her nap. Usually she cries or yells, waiting to be served. But she was talking to herself. I went upstairs and found her sitting on the edge of the bed, with her legs dangling over the side. I think she was considering getting herself down.
I want to tell her - Gravity happens on the edge. But she's learning and all we can do is catch her until she figures it out.
It kind of reminded me of you. You are on the edge. You are about to birth a new you...a deeper, more faithful, heartfelt, grateful, daring, alive you. And if I am lucky, I'll learn a little. I don't think I am your support, but thank you for acknowledging me...I love you, too, and, really, thank you...but I think I am your companion - splashing around in the swamp with you.
I saw a quote once that is perfect for today:
When you have come to the edge of all Light that you know, and you are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.
-Patrick Overton
I am amazed, yet not surprised at all that you are drawing such wonderful healers close to you. It makes me feel light and secure.
I shared my fantasy of having us all live on the same street so we could run back and forth to each other's homes. Now I really wish it were true. I feel frustrated being so far away, not being able to help.
I will be back tomorrow...
Love and hugs,
Clare
My resident granddaughter is getting very bold. She is pulling herself up on the furniture and cruising. She sits up and gets around. She sits right on the edge of the bed, and doesn't seem to notice the danger. The other day, I could hear that she was waking from her nap. Usually she cries or yells, waiting to be served. But she was talking to herself. I went upstairs and found her sitting on the edge of the bed, with her legs dangling over the side. I think she was considering getting herself down.
I want to tell her - Gravity happens on the edge. But she's learning and all we can do is catch her until she figures it out.
It kind of reminded me of you. You are on the edge. You are about to birth a new you...a deeper, more faithful, heartfelt, grateful, daring, alive you. And if I am lucky, I'll learn a little. I don't think I am your support, but thank you for acknowledging me...I love you, too, and, really, thank you...but I think I am your companion - splashing around in the swamp with you.
I saw a quote once that is perfect for today:
When you have come to the edge of all Light that you know, and you are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.
-Patrick Overton
I am amazed, yet not surprised at all that you are drawing such wonderful healers close to you. It makes me feel light and secure.
I shared my fantasy of having us all live on the same street so we could run back and forth to each other's homes. Now I really wish it were true. I feel frustrated being so far away, not being able to help.
I will be back tomorrow...
Love and hugs,
Clare
A practice of gratitude
Clare,
I have had a few days (ok a week) of self-doubt and pity…
that's enough for now.
Last evening my massage-therapist friend did a "lymphatic clearing" on my body.
She explained that she was practicing, but that this is what is done if a person develops lymphedema after nodes are removed.
Back up for one minute to set the stage…
we are working in an old building that we have both heard noises in before…
a spirit, identified as Adelyn has made herself known to my friend in a peaceful and gentle way…
Well, as my friend was working she had the sense that someone was working beside and behind her…
at one point my friend said…"Adelyn wants you to stop all of the negative thoughts. Hold onto to the positive. It's going to be all right. She has her hands on your head right now, and she really likes you."
My Reiki friend has delivered the same message as well.
How plain can this message be???
So this morning I dedicated myself to a practice of gratitude. I am expressing thanks for all of the experiences that I am having, big and small. I think that gratitude is the path that I missed back in that image i had a few weeks ago.
I am grateful for you, dear sister…
for being with me over the past 2 + years…
day in and day out…
loving and supporting me through the swamp…
and now through this journey.
I see the oncologist tomorrow. I am sure there will be questions answered, and many more that will rise.
But, husband and I are working through this together- another thing to be grateful for. The following Wednesday I meet the surgeon. If I am comfortable with him, I will schedule my surgery and get to the next step of this journey.
I was reading last night that some people see cancer as an enemy to battle…
others view it as a journey…
I consider it a teacher, for some of the toughest lessons that I have to learn.
The Divine must believe that I am ready for such a teacher…
for that I am grateful.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have had a few days (ok a week) of self-doubt and pity…
that's enough for now.
Last evening my massage-therapist friend did a "lymphatic clearing" on my body.
She explained that she was practicing, but that this is what is done if a person develops lymphedema after nodes are removed.
Back up for one minute to set the stage…
we are working in an old building that we have both heard noises in before…
a spirit, identified as Adelyn has made herself known to my friend in a peaceful and gentle way…
Well, as my friend was working she had the sense that someone was working beside and behind her…
at one point my friend said…"Adelyn wants you to stop all of the negative thoughts. Hold onto to the positive. It's going to be all right. She has her hands on your head right now, and she really likes you."
My Reiki friend has delivered the same message as well.
How plain can this message be???
So this morning I dedicated myself to a practice of gratitude. I am expressing thanks for all of the experiences that I am having, big and small. I think that gratitude is the path that I missed back in that image i had a few weeks ago.
I am grateful for you, dear sister…
for being with me over the past 2 + years…
day in and day out…
loving and supporting me through the swamp…
and now through this journey.
I see the oncologist tomorrow. I am sure there will be questions answered, and many more that will rise.
But, husband and I are working through this together- another thing to be grateful for. The following Wednesday I meet the surgeon. If I am comfortable with him, I will schedule my surgery and get to the next step of this journey.
I was reading last night that some people see cancer as an enemy to battle…
others view it as a journey…
I consider it a teacher, for some of the toughest lessons that I have to learn.
The Divine must believe that I am ready for such a teacher…
for that I am grateful.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, May 19, 2014
A little good news
Clare,
You are right, our father was not mature enough to be practicing detachment.
He was egocentric and angry because he didn't even like himself- let alone the rug rats he brought into the world.
When I see young women hurting from one relationship disaster after another I explain to them that they are not hard-wired for successful relationships. In my reading, I have come to understand that the first 2 years of life are critical for future relationship success. During that time the right brain is developing.
The right brain…
the part of us that is expansive and creative and life giving and connected to others…
it's all about attachments to our caregivers and consistency from those caregivers.
Time and time again I see women, and men, struggle…
wanting the attention of the other…
but not feeling they deserve the affection…
convinced they are unlivable and unlovable…
they are more comfortable when their significant other treats them like crap…
that's the familiar.
It's one of the reasons so many of us struggle with relationship…
it was at the heart and soul of my separation.
It is a struggle still to remain present…
stop myself from poking for excuses to make my escape…
especially when things get tough.
I am having a day of mild panic today.
Husband gave me a book, The Silver Lining, belatedly for Mother's Day…
Do you remember the What to Expect When You're Expecting books?
This is the same idea only written by a breast cancer survivor…
she tells it honestly…
sometimes with such a brutal honesty that it is frightening…
and yet I keep reading.
Last evening I was reading about her inadequate pain control post-surgery…
someone forgot to turn on the PCA pump…
and husband was going over the visa bills…
asking me about this charge and that…
I was in 2 different worlds and got very panicky…
How am I going to handle the day to day and still recover and journey through this next few months?
I still feel shaky and on edge.
I'll get by with a little help from my friends…
That's all I can do.
A friend of mine, a massage therapist is doing a massage and lymphatic drainage for me this evening. She insisted on doing this for me. I am looking forward to her conversation. She is a deeply spiritual woman and we can talk very clearly.
I did have some good news today- the estrogen and progesterone receptors are present/positive in the tumor- that means the tumor more closely acts like healthy breast tissue. I am still waiting to hear if chemotherapy will be needed, but if the last receptor is favorable I may get by without chemotherapy…using only tamoxifen as Mom did after her surgery.
I feel as if I am "nesting". I am cleaning and organizing. Taking care of completely wrapping up the pilot materials. I am mulching and cleaning up the yard and outside. I am switching closets from winter to summer clothes…all in anticipation of a probable month of no driving…and whatever else lies ahead.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
You are right, our father was not mature enough to be practicing detachment.
He was egocentric and angry because he didn't even like himself- let alone the rug rats he brought into the world.
When I see young women hurting from one relationship disaster after another I explain to them that they are not hard-wired for successful relationships. In my reading, I have come to understand that the first 2 years of life are critical for future relationship success. During that time the right brain is developing.
The right brain…
the part of us that is expansive and creative and life giving and connected to others…
it's all about attachments to our caregivers and consistency from those caregivers.
Time and time again I see women, and men, struggle…
wanting the attention of the other…
but not feeling they deserve the affection…
convinced they are unlivable and unlovable…
they are more comfortable when their significant other treats them like crap…
that's the familiar.
It's one of the reasons so many of us struggle with relationship…
it was at the heart and soul of my separation.
It is a struggle still to remain present…
stop myself from poking for excuses to make my escape…
especially when things get tough.
I am having a day of mild panic today.
Husband gave me a book, The Silver Lining, belatedly for Mother's Day…
Do you remember the What to Expect When You're Expecting books?
This is the same idea only written by a breast cancer survivor…
she tells it honestly…
sometimes with such a brutal honesty that it is frightening…
and yet I keep reading.
Last evening I was reading about her inadequate pain control post-surgery…
someone forgot to turn on the PCA pump…
and husband was going over the visa bills…
asking me about this charge and that…
I was in 2 different worlds and got very panicky…
How am I going to handle the day to day and still recover and journey through this next few months?
I still feel shaky and on edge.
I'll get by with a little help from my friends…
That's all I can do.
A friend of mine, a massage therapist is doing a massage and lymphatic drainage for me this evening. She insisted on doing this for me. I am looking forward to her conversation. She is a deeply spiritual woman and we can talk very clearly.
I did have some good news today- the estrogen and progesterone receptors are present/positive in the tumor- that means the tumor more closely acts like healthy breast tissue. I am still waiting to hear if chemotherapy will be needed, but if the last receptor is favorable I may get by without chemotherapy…using only tamoxifen as Mom did after her surgery.
I feel as if I am "nesting". I am cleaning and organizing. Taking care of completely wrapping up the pilot materials. I am mulching and cleaning up the yard and outside. I am switching closets from winter to summer clothes…all in anticipation of a probable month of no driving…and whatever else lies ahead.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Detached-dad???
The problem with language is the nuance of meaning. The way you describe detachment here, I understand your need, I understand the value.
I think sometimes detachment speaks to me of hermitting - there, I've officially verbified. Especially of spiritually hermitting. But detachment, as you describe it reeks of faith, of unconditional love.
I suppose we could stretch meanings and say Dad was detached. But I think compared to your definition of detachment, well, Dad was too full of anger, of regret, maybe that he had to put up with us. Not regret, that's too adult. He was like a child who was mad that we wrecked his life and he just wanted us gone as soon as possible. That was not detached, by any definition I can conjure.
I'm glad you've invited Friends into your life. It will be good.
I spent a lot of time gardening today, too. And since I have taken next Monday off, I will be at it all week- I hope.
When I step outside, I feel the power of the plants. I don't want to come back inside.
My oldest son and his wife seem to be in a quiet period. Things seem to be relatively calm. Her mom is going to visit in about a month, and that always seems to help. Then I am planning to go in August. I am still waiting for things to fall in place for that...my ex is involved, and so I am waiting and not able to push things forward. I just have to trust.
I try to talk to them regularly, partly because I enjoy talking to both of them so much. But also to try and keep tabs on what is happening. My son is homesick, and wants to come back east. They are waiting for way to open.
Everyone seems to be in a period of calm. Part of me is relaxed, part of me is waiting for something to happen...not very detached!
I love you, rest well,
Clare
I think sometimes detachment speaks to me of hermitting - there, I've officially verbified. Especially of spiritually hermitting. But detachment, as you describe it reeks of faith, of unconditional love.
I suppose we could stretch meanings and say Dad was detached. But I think compared to your definition of detachment, well, Dad was too full of anger, of regret, maybe that he had to put up with us. Not regret, that's too adult. He was like a child who was mad that we wrecked his life and he just wanted us gone as soon as possible. That was not detached, by any definition I can conjure.
I'm glad you've invited Friends into your life. It will be good.
I spent a lot of time gardening today, too. And since I have taken next Monday off, I will be at it all week- I hope.
When I step outside, I feel the power of the plants. I don't want to come back inside.
My oldest son and his wife seem to be in a quiet period. Things seem to be relatively calm. Her mom is going to visit in about a month, and that always seems to help. Then I am planning to go in August. I am still waiting for things to fall in place for that...my ex is involved, and so I am waiting and not able to push things forward. I just have to trust.
I try to talk to them regularly, partly because I enjoy talking to both of them so much. But also to try and keep tabs on what is happening. My son is homesick, and wants to come back east. They are waiting for way to open.
Everyone seems to be in a period of calm. Part of me is relaxed, part of me is waiting for something to happen...not very detached!
I love you, rest well,
Clare
Optimism
Clare,
I do think this decision tree is an opportunity for detachment…
letting go of the past and moving into a future with health but lacking a breast.
I opened a book today to a page that spoke of detachment…
loving kindness that does not expect anything in return…
just hoping for the good of the other person.
It said that parent/child and lovers have the most difficult time with detachment.
What's the boundary between love, detachment and neglect?
If we are trying to teach independence is it best to push the little bird out of the nest?
Was Dad's, "When you're 18 you're out of my house." a method of detachment?
It was cruel…
It was selfish…
but it did set us free- without the parents clinging to us…
although they did claim kudos when we had positive outcomes.
I was able to ask my Quaker community to support me through all of this uncertainty and decisions that need to be made. It was a good experience. Many present stopped to hug me and offer any assistance that I may need in the future. I was afraid to say it out loud…but I am really glad that I did.
So, how are things with your oldest son and his family? I worry about them.
I spent the past 3 hours mulching and mowing. My body is tired, but I felt really strong and powerful. I love working in the yard, especially on these beautiful, sunny days. I planted vegetables yesterday- finally. I put in 6 tomato plants, 12 spinach, 6 lettuce, 3 yellow squash and 3 zucchini, 2 cantaloupes, and a variety of herbs. Now that's optimism!
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
I do think this decision tree is an opportunity for detachment…
letting go of the past and moving into a future with health but lacking a breast.
I opened a book today to a page that spoke of detachment…
loving kindness that does not expect anything in return…
just hoping for the good of the other person.
It said that parent/child and lovers have the most difficult time with detachment.
What's the boundary between love, detachment and neglect?
If we are trying to teach independence is it best to push the little bird out of the nest?
Was Dad's, "When you're 18 you're out of my house." a method of detachment?
It was cruel…
It was selfish…
but it did set us free- without the parents clinging to us…
although they did claim kudos when we had positive outcomes.
I was able to ask my Quaker community to support me through all of this uncertainty and decisions that need to be made. It was a good experience. Many present stopped to hug me and offer any assistance that I may need in the future. I was afraid to say it out loud…but I am really glad that I did.
So, how are things with your oldest son and his family? I worry about them.
I spent the past 3 hours mulching and mowing. My body is tired, but I felt really strong and powerful. I love working in the yard, especially on these beautiful, sunny days. I planted vegetables yesterday- finally. I put in 6 tomato plants, 12 spinach, 6 lettuce, 3 yellow squash and 3 zucchini, 2 cantaloupes, and a variety of herbs. Now that's optimism!
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Academic
The more I think about it, the more certain I am that we are supposed to be passionate about our vessels, as well as equally passionate about our larger, shared, planetary home. We are supposed to love and cherish - you chose a perfect word. I don't think we are supposed to be vain, though. It's not about look at me - it's about play with me, sing with me, dance with me. I think vanity is about not loving yourself, not trusting yourself, not thinking you are good enough, trying to maintain some unreal standard of beauty. It really has nothing to do with self-love.
I have seen the photo of the tattooed "bra" - and it is beautiful. I would be tempted to do something like that, if I could come up with a design that really spoke to me. I was imagining it, and trying on the discomfort of no longer having breasts. I had a silly moment of imagining owning a selection of breasts - a drawer full of everything from Dolly Parton-esque to not much. Pick a pair to match moods or costume.
But mostly I was not feeling silly. I was uncomfortable and nervous. And for me, it was all academic. I don't have to make this kind of decision. I can't really put myself in your shoes, no matter how hard I try. I can't lift any of this away from you, no matter what I try.
The reason I don't practice Buddhism is the detachment, the going inside self to a place of quiet and solitude to find peace. That is easy. To be Quaker means to go into the silence to find others - to join - to be part of a community - that is the true meeting. Then we have the joy-filled, but uncomfortable task of finding that peace together.
A friend stopped by today and gifted me with flowers and herbs for the garden. I am itching to plant. I also had the three local grandkids today. Two sat in an ant hill while we planted another bed of potatoes. We planted red, white and blue spuds. We agreed that on Labor Day we will make a patriotic potato salad.
Your boobs are much better than mine. Gravity has been kinder! I don't even remember 20s and 30s any more!
I hope you had a green day!
Love and hugs from Clare
I have seen the photo of the tattooed "bra" - and it is beautiful. I would be tempted to do something like that, if I could come up with a design that really spoke to me. I was imagining it, and trying on the discomfort of no longer having breasts. I had a silly moment of imagining owning a selection of breasts - a drawer full of everything from Dolly Parton-esque to not much. Pick a pair to match moods or costume.
But mostly I was not feeling silly. I was uncomfortable and nervous. And for me, it was all academic. I don't have to make this kind of decision. I can't really put myself in your shoes, no matter how hard I try. I can't lift any of this away from you, no matter what I try.
The reason I don't practice Buddhism is the detachment, the going inside self to a place of quiet and solitude to find peace. That is easy. To be Quaker means to go into the silence to find others - to join - to be part of a community - that is the true meeting. Then we have the joy-filled, but uncomfortable task of finding that peace together.
A friend stopped by today and gifted me with flowers and herbs for the garden. I am itching to plant. I also had the three local grandkids today. Two sat in an ant hill while we planted another bed of potatoes. We planted red, white and blue spuds. We agreed that on Labor Day we will make a patriotic potato salad.
Your boobs are much better than mine. Gravity has been kinder! I don't even remember 20s and 30s any more!
I hope you had a green day!
Love and hugs from Clare
Friday, May 16, 2014
Changing images
I am not sure that we are to be passionate about this vessel we reside in…
I am wondering how the Buddhist ideal of detachment plays into this.
Are we to just care for this body so that it carries us far enough to learn the lessons?
Are we to cherish the body because it is our home?
Are we too vain about the outward appearance of this vessel- trying to maintain it at any cost?
Part of me wants to be brave enough to withstand mastectomy and not worry about the outward appearance…
I've seen pictures of women who have tattooed their chest walls to hide their scars- but they do not recreate false breasts…
Would I be strong enough to be that brave?
Would I thumb my nose at conventional thought that women are only as worthy as their "parts"?
I am not sure what my level of braveness is…
I am not sure what level of deformity I can withstand and still feel whole.
What do I need to retain my female identity?
There are so many questions…
and part of me wants to look "normal" when all of this is finished…
but at what cost?
I could love myself…
with or without breasts.
At my age they are not as appealing as they were when I was 20…or 30.
But how much of who I am is defined by my silhouette?
How do I know any of the answers?
So confusing.
Until tomorrow
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am wondering how the Buddhist ideal of detachment plays into this.
Are we to just care for this body so that it carries us far enough to learn the lessons?
Are we to cherish the body because it is our home?
Are we too vain about the outward appearance of this vessel- trying to maintain it at any cost?
Part of me wants to be brave enough to withstand mastectomy and not worry about the outward appearance…
I've seen pictures of women who have tattooed their chest walls to hide their scars- but they do not recreate false breasts…
Would I be strong enough to be that brave?
Would I thumb my nose at conventional thought that women are only as worthy as their "parts"?
I am not sure what my level of braveness is…
I am not sure what level of deformity I can withstand and still feel whole.
What do I need to retain my female identity?
There are so many questions…
and part of me wants to look "normal" when all of this is finished…
but at what cost?
I could love myself…
with or without breasts.
At my age they are not as appealing as they were when I was 20…or 30.
But how much of who I am is defined by my silhouette?
How do I know any of the answers?
So confusing.
Until tomorrow
Love and Light,
Maggie
Loathing, not ambivalence!
How was your family dinner? I hope you all had a lot of fun, and made a sweet memory.
Along with your Reiki healer, I am sending as much love as you can handle. Use it any way you want!
Ambivalence I can recognize, I can handle. It is not shocking. What shocked me was the flash of absolute loathing I felt for my body. And it's interesting that you used the word vessel. That is exactly the word that came and stayed with me.
I met a woman many years ago, a writer named Janine Parvati Baker. She was an herbalist and midwife. I am a reel geek when it comes to herbalists. I wouldn't recognize most movie stars, and so I would not react. But when I meet an herbalist, I become a blubbering, awestruck fool. I met Janine at an herbal conference. We were both walking down a dirt road and we struck up a conversation about birthing and extended breastfeeding. I was really enjoying myself, until I realized who I was talking to. I froze. I could tell she was wondering what happened...but...
Anyway, she asked a class of us once - what is the moving force of the universe? The answer is pleasure. And while she spoke, I understood. I could see it. But as with many teachings, it was logical. I could give the correct answer, but I didn't make it real. I didn't make it my own.
In considering my hate-filled response, in trying to understand and to change, I suddenly see our spirit as joy. And we are given these wonderful vessels to play in, to play with.
It's like moving into a house and making it our own. We decorate in ways we find pleasing and comfortable.
It has been so strange thinking of my body as my vessel, something to love and enjoy and take care of. This is all novel for me.
Late last night, I had the impression of a turtle, carry home on her back. Then I thought of the feathered turtle.
You were speculating about the balance in your body without breasts. The house is different, it's changed. But it's still beautiful and still a warm and comfortable spirit for your joy. And if you don't lose your breasts, I think you'll still be changed. And if you have new breasts, like our cousin - it's still your house, and it will be beautiful. I'm not trying to be cavalier. There will be changes that will be hard - change is always hard, but I have been thinking about birth defects and accidents - changes...differences...
I think maybe the Universe wants us to be passionate about this vessel...
Sending loving thoughts...
Clare
Along with your Reiki healer, I am sending as much love as you can handle. Use it any way you want!
Ambivalence I can recognize, I can handle. It is not shocking. What shocked me was the flash of absolute loathing I felt for my body. And it's interesting that you used the word vessel. That is exactly the word that came and stayed with me.
I met a woman many years ago, a writer named Janine Parvati Baker. She was an herbalist and midwife. I am a reel geek when it comes to herbalists. I wouldn't recognize most movie stars, and so I would not react. But when I meet an herbalist, I become a blubbering, awestruck fool. I met Janine at an herbal conference. We were both walking down a dirt road and we struck up a conversation about birthing and extended breastfeeding. I was really enjoying myself, until I realized who I was talking to. I froze. I could tell she was wondering what happened...but...
Anyway, she asked a class of us once - what is the moving force of the universe? The answer is pleasure. And while she spoke, I understood. I could see it. But as with many teachings, it was logical. I could give the correct answer, but I didn't make it real. I didn't make it my own.
In considering my hate-filled response, in trying to understand and to change, I suddenly see our spirit as joy. And we are given these wonderful vessels to play in, to play with.
It's like moving into a house and making it our own. We decorate in ways we find pleasing and comfortable.
It has been so strange thinking of my body as my vessel, something to love and enjoy and take care of. This is all novel for me.
Late last night, I had the impression of a turtle, carry home on her back. Then I thought of the feathered turtle.
You were speculating about the balance in your body without breasts. The house is different, it's changed. But it's still beautiful and still a warm and comfortable spirit for your joy. And if you don't lose your breasts, I think you'll still be changed. And if you have new breasts, like our cousin - it's still your house, and it will be beautiful. I'm not trying to be cavalier. There will be changes that will be hard - change is always hard, but I have been thinking about birth defects and accidents - changes...differences...
I think maybe the Universe wants us to be passionate about this vessel...
Sending loving thoughts...
Clare
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Ambivalent
Clare,
We are all ambivalent about our bodies.
It is a love-hate relationship…
I think that the Universal Divine doesn't want us to become too attached to this lower energy…
we forget what we really are…
high frequency, spiritual energy…
temporarily placed in this vessel.
The hatred of self was taught…
we learned that lesson well.
I am struggling to find a balance between preserving my natural form…
and health.
Is it important to me to be equal and balanced in my chest area?
I don't know how I will feel when posed with that possibility.
But why do we humans need to make others feel less than we feel about ourselves?
We perpetrate violence when we wish to overpower and control others.
Why is that so important?
It happens in sports, business, schools, everywhere…
but even worse perpetrated through rape and abuse.
What is it about our nature that needs confirmation of our power?
I have all 4 of my kids home tonight!
We are going out to celebrate Mother's Day- belatedly.
I cannot wait.
We are going to a fun, italian place where it is very casual…
hopefully they will all get along…
My reiki healer told me that she is sending me energy to heal…
I need everything I can get at this point.
Love and Light,
Maggie
We are all ambivalent about our bodies.
It is a love-hate relationship…
I think that the Universal Divine doesn't want us to become too attached to this lower energy…
we forget what we really are…
high frequency, spiritual energy…
temporarily placed in this vessel.
The hatred of self was taught…
we learned that lesson well.
I am struggling to find a balance between preserving my natural form…
and health.
Is it important to me to be equal and balanced in my chest area?
I don't know how I will feel when posed with that possibility.
But why do we humans need to make others feel less than we feel about ourselves?
We perpetrate violence when we wish to overpower and control others.
Why is that so important?
It happens in sports, business, schools, everywhere…
but even worse perpetrated through rape and abuse.
What is it about our nature that needs confirmation of our power?
I have all 4 of my kids home tonight!
We are going out to celebrate Mother's Day- belatedly.
I cannot wait.
We are going to a fun, italian place where it is very casual…
hopefully they will all get along…
My reiki healer told me that she is sending me energy to heal…
I need everything I can get at this point.
Love and Light,
Maggie
A dancer
So, I've been having an interesting ride through my brain since I posted yesterday.
I went out to mow the lawn - which is contemplative for me. I walk around in circles, sort of listing the herbs I am beheading in the name of conformity, and my mind chews on things.
I realized I have always hated my body. I am shocked. I am truly shocked by this stream I have extracted from my life, from my psyche.
I thought about rape, and how that violation makes us dirty and unworthy, even though we were simply the recipient of dominant male violence. Even though we didn't ask for it, didn't want it, didn't deserve it. Even so, we are dirty, used, disgusting, not good enough for anything else ever again. We are garbage.
(Don't argue the logic, these are just the feelings that came bursting from my brain.)
But I went earlier, to a screaming place inside. In this place, my body is the part of me that receives pain. I don't want to feel this pain. I hate my body because it attracts this pain, deserves this pain??? I don't know exactly. But someone hurt me, really hurt me, before memory formed. I only know pain. I don't expect it, I don't understand it...
And now that I am old, I do expect it. I am always waiting for the pain to come again.
And pain is received through the body.
Then I thought of how much I loved flowers and realized I can only experience flowers with my body.
Am I making any sense?????
And I thought of the blissful pain of giving birth, naturally, mostly trusted and unattended. That was power.
That was this magnificent body!
Then, I watched a short video of a middle-aged Italian dancer. She captured my attention and held me rapt. I have always hated to dance because, as Dad always told me, I am fat, dumb and ugly. I identify myself as clumsy, I am afraid to truly move my body, I am afraid to be watched/to be seen. But I could feel my body doing what the dancer was doing. And I remembered the joy of yoga, of belly dance, of dancing while alone. I think there is a dancer inside of me.
But I don't know what to do with her. She's a stranger...
So that's my latest revelation. Maybe it came with that huge orange, full moon I watched last night.
How are you? What is the latest in your house? In your life? In your body?
Know that I love you, little sister...
Clare
I went out to mow the lawn - which is contemplative for me. I walk around in circles, sort of listing the herbs I am beheading in the name of conformity, and my mind chews on things.
I realized I have always hated my body. I am shocked. I am truly shocked by this stream I have extracted from my life, from my psyche.
I thought about rape, and how that violation makes us dirty and unworthy, even though we were simply the recipient of dominant male violence. Even though we didn't ask for it, didn't want it, didn't deserve it. Even so, we are dirty, used, disgusting, not good enough for anything else ever again. We are garbage.
(Don't argue the logic, these are just the feelings that came bursting from my brain.)
But I went earlier, to a screaming place inside. In this place, my body is the part of me that receives pain. I don't want to feel this pain. I hate my body because it attracts this pain, deserves this pain??? I don't know exactly. But someone hurt me, really hurt me, before memory formed. I only know pain. I don't expect it, I don't understand it...
And now that I am old, I do expect it. I am always waiting for the pain to come again.
And pain is received through the body.
Then I thought of how much I loved flowers and realized I can only experience flowers with my body.
Am I making any sense?????
And I thought of the blissful pain of giving birth, naturally, mostly trusted and unattended. That was power.
That was this magnificent body!
Then, I watched a short video of a middle-aged Italian dancer. She captured my attention and held me rapt. I have always hated to dance because, as Dad always told me, I am fat, dumb and ugly. I identify myself as clumsy, I am afraid to truly move my body, I am afraid to be watched/to be seen. But I could feel my body doing what the dancer was doing. And I remembered the joy of yoga, of belly dance, of dancing while alone. I think there is a dancer inside of me.
But I don't know what to do with her. She's a stranger...
So that's my latest revelation. Maybe it came with that huge orange, full moon I watched last night.
How are you? What is the latest in your house? In your life? In your body?
Know that I love you, little sister...
Clare
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
TMI!!!!!!!
Family history is interesting, but all of this potential gene mutation is a little too much! My second son said we all have weak points, we're all going to die of something. He did not want to know details, he did not want to spend his time worrying.
I wonder when there's too much information. Is there ever too much? I also wonder if all families have mutations. We live in such a toxic environment, is it possible for any family to have avoided this?
I hope my niece successfully pitches herself into the series. Will this be a series? What happens once the pilot is finished?
I often wonder if I am punishing everyone by withdrawing from the family. The next question, though, is does anyone even notice? I have those same mixed feelings - it would be so nice to have a family vs. I am so angry at this family. Your healer said we have to work on forgiveness. This is just another part of a very difficult assignment.
Since my birthday I have not eaten sugar or meat. My weight has been bouncing up and down through the same 5 pounds. Yesterday it was at the top of that range. I suddenly felt furious. I felt such hatred for my body. It shocked me. I didn't know that was in me.
I immediately stopped my thought process and apologized to myself. But now I have that strange feeling that often follows a big argument...Do you still accept me? Only I am experiencing that between parts of my own psyche.
I'm just a tad schizophrenic this morning.
And yet more forgiveness...
Hmmmm...maybe the to-do list faded because the pilot is done, and just the garden beckons. That soothes and entrances me my Earth-sign sister!
Is it possible to connect cancer to abuse? Families share more than genetics. We share patterns. As we were abuse, often we can't avoid abusing. And so generation after generation, we face the same traumas...
Just a thought...I have to get back to work.
I love you,
I'll be back!
Clare
I wonder when there's too much information. Is there ever too much? I also wonder if all families have mutations. We live in such a toxic environment, is it possible for any family to have avoided this?
I hope my niece successfully pitches herself into the series. Will this be a series? What happens once the pilot is finished?
I often wonder if I am punishing everyone by withdrawing from the family. The next question, though, is does anyone even notice? I have those same mixed feelings - it would be so nice to have a family vs. I am so angry at this family. Your healer said we have to work on forgiveness. This is just another part of a very difficult assignment.
Since my birthday I have not eaten sugar or meat. My weight has been bouncing up and down through the same 5 pounds. Yesterday it was at the top of that range. I suddenly felt furious. I felt such hatred for my body. It shocked me. I didn't know that was in me.
I immediately stopped my thought process and apologized to myself. But now I have that strange feeling that often follows a big argument...Do you still accept me? Only I am experiencing that between parts of my own psyche.
I'm just a tad schizophrenic this morning.
And yet more forgiveness...
Hmmmm...maybe the to-do list faded because the pilot is done, and just the garden beckons. That soothes and entrances me my Earth-sign sister!
Is it possible to connect cancer to abuse? Families share more than genetics. We share patterns. As we were abuse, often we can't avoid abusing. And so generation after generation, we face the same traumas...
Just a thought...I have to get back to work.
I love you,
I'll be back!
Clare
Transitioning from one role to another
Clare,
We will all have freak-outs along this…
like yesterday…
I spent several hours with the genetic counselor who was incredibly knowledgable and kind.
She looked at our family tree and feels there may be more underlying the cancers in our family.
When she looks at Mom's side she wonders if there may be another mutation that is adding to the CHEK2 mutation- because the CHEK2 is a modifier, moderate risk gene. She really feels it is acting in conjunction with another genetic mutation…
so more tests.
These will take about 3 weeks to come back.
When she looks at Dad's family history she is worried about Lynch Syndrome…
a familial, genetic patterns of cancers including colon, renal and uterine. (http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/lynch-syndrome)
The panel of tests includes the genes involved in Lynch-
so the bottom line is that we may be screwed from both sides.
As the discussion progressed I learned that there are 3 tumors along the duct with another area just behind the nipple/areola that enhanced with contrast- meaning it is a metabolically active area- probably tumor as well. The importance of that information is that a lumpectomy is not going to be indicated because they would have to take 4 lumps from the same quadrant of the breast…
I am waiting to hear from the surgeon about a surgical and medical oncologist referral…
that should happen within the next week or two…
then we will know what the journey will entail.
Last night was the final night of filming the pilot. My daughter was an extra…so she may appear, but mostly glimpses of her. She wrote herself into the plot though…
and pitched it to the writers…
she plays the daughter of the Lord of the county/area…
he sends her to the celibate community to avoid her sexual experimentation…
but really he sends her there so that he can visit his lover, one of the Goodys.
They liked it- we'll see if they use it or not.
I had difficulty focusing on the work necessary for the pilot last night. I got everyone dressed and then meditated in my car. For the first time in months, my head was quiet and peaceful. All of the to-do lists faded, and I was able to just be quiet. It was good.
I get my mulch delivery today- one of my favorite things.
I love mulching my gardens.
I am going to put compost into the vegetable garden and then go get some vegetables to plant…
I am a little late, but it's better than never.
Thanks for loving and supporting me.
You are right, it's not easy to be on the receiving end of support.
Mom called last night…
it seemed more like she was fishing for news to put into her weekly newsletter…
to make her seem more connected to the "list" than she really is.
I have waves of emotions about this.
Part of me sees this as an opportunity to reconnect…
but part of me wants to keep them away…
I am not sure if that is self-preservation or my way of punishing those who have not been previously available for me.
Only time will answer that question.
I received emails/text from S#4 & 5 offering love and support…
nothing from our brothers…
although B#4 and I talked last week.
Family patterns and habits are hard to break.
Love and Light,
Maggie
We will all have freak-outs along this…
like yesterday…
I spent several hours with the genetic counselor who was incredibly knowledgable and kind.
She looked at our family tree and feels there may be more underlying the cancers in our family.
When she looks at Mom's side she wonders if there may be another mutation that is adding to the CHEK2 mutation- because the CHEK2 is a modifier, moderate risk gene. She really feels it is acting in conjunction with another genetic mutation…
so more tests.
These will take about 3 weeks to come back.
When she looks at Dad's family history she is worried about Lynch Syndrome…
a familial, genetic patterns of cancers including colon, renal and uterine. (http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/lynch-syndrome)
The panel of tests includes the genes involved in Lynch-
so the bottom line is that we may be screwed from both sides.
As the discussion progressed I learned that there are 3 tumors along the duct with another area just behind the nipple/areola that enhanced with contrast- meaning it is a metabolically active area- probably tumor as well. The importance of that information is that a lumpectomy is not going to be indicated because they would have to take 4 lumps from the same quadrant of the breast…
I am waiting to hear from the surgeon about a surgical and medical oncologist referral…
that should happen within the next week or two…
then we will know what the journey will entail.
Last night was the final night of filming the pilot. My daughter was an extra…so she may appear, but mostly glimpses of her. She wrote herself into the plot though…
and pitched it to the writers…
she plays the daughter of the Lord of the county/area…
he sends her to the celibate community to avoid her sexual experimentation…
but really he sends her there so that he can visit his lover, one of the Goodys.
They liked it- we'll see if they use it or not.
I had difficulty focusing on the work necessary for the pilot last night. I got everyone dressed and then meditated in my car. For the first time in months, my head was quiet and peaceful. All of the to-do lists faded, and I was able to just be quiet. It was good.
I get my mulch delivery today- one of my favorite things.
I love mulching my gardens.
I am going to put compost into the vegetable garden and then go get some vegetables to plant…
I am a little late, but it's better than never.
Thanks for loving and supporting me.
You are right, it's not easy to be on the receiving end of support.
Mom called last night…
it seemed more like she was fishing for news to put into her weekly newsletter…
to make her seem more connected to the "list" than she really is.
I have waves of emotions about this.
Part of me sees this as an opportunity to reconnect…
but part of me wants to keep them away…
I am not sure if that is self-preservation or my way of punishing those who have not been previously available for me.
Only time will answer that question.
I received emails/text from S#4 & 5 offering love and support…
nothing from our brothers…
although B#4 and I talked last week.
Family patterns and habits are hard to break.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, May 12, 2014
Mini-freak-out
I am very positive...But I am allowed a mini-freak out. I think the hard part will be accepting all the love and support everyone has to offer. That will be your gift to us - that and surviving to a ripe-old crone's age. I think it would be hard for me - accepting gifts and love and affection.
But you are more gracious than I am, and you'll be able to handle it.
We all love you, but now we'll be in your face about it. And you get to be loved.
I guess there are two ways to hermit. One is to retire from the world. The other is to withdraw from humans. I think I am doing a bit of both. I think you do the latter.
I don't know...we had the chance to look at who we are, what happened to us when B#2 tried to commit suicide. We hid. B#4's cancer seemed less threatening, somehow, but it was blamed on smoking -"This is a smoker's cancer." Now we have another chance. We have another chance to blow the lid off of the big secret of our lives - the big secret that controls our lives.
Will our sibs be able to blow you off?
I had a possibly irrational thought...but things are looking more and more possible for S#3's son to move in with me, and start a career here. I was thinking about him, and realized Dad had a lot of access to him as an infant. Then I thought about who else he might have had access to, and realized it was S#4's oldest. And which two grandchildren struggle?
Am I getting paranoid?????
I saw you second daughter in costume. Will she appear in the pilot?
Your kids and your husband will probably experience a full range of reactions. As will you. As will I. It's the gift, I fear...\\I am going to go mow a little before it rains.
Back later...with lots of love...
Clare
But you are more gracious than I am, and you'll be able to handle it.
We all love you, but now we'll be in your face about it. And you get to be loved.
I guess there are two ways to hermit. One is to retire from the world. The other is to withdraw from humans. I think I am doing a bit of both. I think you do the latter.
I don't know...we had the chance to look at who we are, what happened to us when B#2 tried to commit suicide. We hid. B#4's cancer seemed less threatening, somehow, but it was blamed on smoking -"This is a smoker's cancer." Now we have another chance. We have another chance to blow the lid off of the big secret of our lives - the big secret that controls our lives.
Will our sibs be able to blow you off?
I had a possibly irrational thought...but things are looking more and more possible for S#3's son to move in with me, and start a career here. I was thinking about him, and realized Dad had a lot of access to him as an infant. Then I thought about who else he might have had access to, and realized it was S#4's oldest. And which two grandchildren struggle?
Am I getting paranoid?????
I saw you second daughter in costume. Will she appear in the pilot?
Your kids and your husband will probably experience a full range of reactions. As will you. As will I. It's the gift, I fear...\\I am going to go mow a little before it rains.
Back later...with lots of love...
Clare
Life's lessons don't lessen us
Clare,
Let's remain positive…
I have breast cancer…
I have an incredible opportunity to learn that "no (wo)man is an island"…
something I have avoided all of my life.
I once wrote, Life's lessons don't lessen us…
this is true.
You speak of hermitage…
my true self has been a hermit for many years.
I have hidden myself from others…
not let anyone close enough to know me…
to understand me…
to see me truly…
or to ever hurt me again.
And this cancer is the manifestation of that.
It is my right breast…
the area believed to carry trauma from males.
My reiki friend has never been able to open that area…
I have held onto that energy for 50 years…
and it has changed me at the molecular level.
I believe that this tumor will help me to finally break it all open and release that toxic memory.
If I lose a part of my body in the process, it will be worth it.
I am distracting myself…
but at times find myself thinking about what it would be like to not have breasts.
I am not sickened by the thought…
but it makes me wonder how I will react if/when it happens.
I think about losing my hair…
vanity makes me wonder if I have a pretty enough face to pull off the bald/ball cap look.
My mind plays with all of this.
My kids are handling the news pretty well.
Daughter #1 will be home Tuesday…
her boyfriend graduated with his bachelors and masters yesterday…
ironically his mother is getting Chemo right now for breast CA.
Daughter #2 has been with me most of the weekend…
she is an extra for the pilot and has been my assistant wardrobe person.
She has made friends with many of the actors and is thrilled to be working with professionals.
Son#1 I have not seen because of conflicting schedules…
he went to an after prom party and was not home when I left yesterday morning.
I saw him this morning and he seemed tired and angry…
he is usually pleasant in the morning.
Son#2 is convinced that this is something that they just rip out and everything is OK…
Right?
Husband is hovering, but doing well.
The hardest part right now is that I am so tied up with this pilot that we speak after midnight when I drag myself home. He is scared and I am not here to help him.
2 more days of filming. We are finished with 3 of the actors- 2 women who I enjoyed working with so very much. One, in particular was such a gentle, warm soul. I left the set last night about 11:30…
in a semi-anxious state…
exhausted and on the verge of tears…
I didn't say goodbye.
When I got home there was a text from this woman who wrote, "Maggie, you didn't say good bye."
I felt like shit…but I couldn't explain my actions.
I have only shared the news with the assistant director, and one actor who overheard our conversation.
I asked them to wait to share this with the others.
I will tell my friends when they are finished filming…
I don't want to distract them from the work they are doing.
The news isn't going to change…
Enough for today,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Let's remain positive…
I have breast cancer…
I have an incredible opportunity to learn that "no (wo)man is an island"…
something I have avoided all of my life.
I once wrote, Life's lessons don't lessen us…
this is true.
You speak of hermitage…
my true self has been a hermit for many years.
I have hidden myself from others…
not let anyone close enough to know me…
to understand me…
to see me truly…
or to ever hurt me again.
And this cancer is the manifestation of that.
It is my right breast…
the area believed to carry trauma from males.
My reiki friend has never been able to open that area…
I have held onto that energy for 50 years…
and it has changed me at the molecular level.
I believe that this tumor will help me to finally break it all open and release that toxic memory.
If I lose a part of my body in the process, it will be worth it.
I am distracting myself…
but at times find myself thinking about what it would be like to not have breasts.
I am not sickened by the thought…
but it makes me wonder how I will react if/when it happens.
I think about losing my hair…
vanity makes me wonder if I have a pretty enough face to pull off the bald/ball cap look.
My mind plays with all of this.
My kids are handling the news pretty well.
Daughter #1 will be home Tuesday…
her boyfriend graduated with his bachelors and masters yesterday…
ironically his mother is getting Chemo right now for breast CA.
Daughter #2 has been with me most of the weekend…
she is an extra for the pilot and has been my assistant wardrobe person.
She has made friends with many of the actors and is thrilled to be working with professionals.
Son#1 I have not seen because of conflicting schedules…
he went to an after prom party and was not home when I left yesterday morning.
I saw him this morning and he seemed tired and angry…
he is usually pleasant in the morning.
Son#2 is convinced that this is something that they just rip out and everything is OK…
Right?
Husband is hovering, but doing well.
The hardest part right now is that I am so tied up with this pilot that we speak after midnight when I drag myself home. He is scared and I am not here to help him.
2 more days of filming. We are finished with 3 of the actors- 2 women who I enjoyed working with so very much. One, in particular was such a gentle, warm soul. I left the set last night about 11:30…
in a semi-anxious state…
exhausted and on the verge of tears…
I didn't say goodbye.
When I got home there was a text from this woman who wrote, "Maggie, you didn't say good bye."
I felt like shit…but I couldn't explain my actions.
I have only shared the news with the assistant director, and one actor who overheard our conversation.
I asked them to wait to share this with the others.
I will tell my friends when they are finished filming…
I don't want to distract them from the work they are doing.
The news isn't going to change…
Enough for today,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, May 10, 2014
nonononononononononononoNO
My sister has cancer.
I worked in the garden planting vegetables for the summer...for next winter...and my sister has cancer.
I made a grocery list...my sister has cancer.
I talked to my son, her godson...my sister has cancer.
Life goes on, and I am in tears...my sister has cancer.
I didn't think she did. I knew the biopsy would come out clean...benign...worrisome, but not a threat.
How dare cancer threaten my sister???
This is not fair.
I have to cook dinner and my sister has cancer.
I can't escape the thought...
I believe she will get through this with her valiant spirit. We'll be crones together.
But now...I can't think, I can't feel...my sister has cancer.
I'm still trying to swallow this.
I worked in the garden planting vegetables for the summer...for next winter...and my sister has cancer.
I made a grocery list...my sister has cancer.
I talked to my son, her godson...my sister has cancer.
Life goes on, and I am in tears...my sister has cancer.
I didn't think she did. I knew the biopsy would come out clean...benign...worrisome, but not a threat.
How dare cancer threaten my sister???
This is not fair.
I have to cook dinner and my sister has cancer.
I can't escape the thought...
I believe she will get through this with her valiant spirit. We'll be crones together.
But now...I can't think, I can't feel...my sister has cancer.
I'm still trying to swallow this.
Hermitting - is that a real word?
Thinking about you and your busy weekend. Hope you're having fun.
It is beautiful here this morning. My youngest's schedule changed and now I have the baby all day Saturday, with Sunday's off. And there are so many things I won't do today...two memorial services, a leak fest, a talk at the Buddhist retreat center. But I will get to work in the garden, and hang out and bond with baby. Life is always good!
A Friend in my meeting had some health problems and impending life changes. She needed to scale back her work at meeting. And so I have assumed her clerkship of RE. Between my two meetings, I served on RE for about 21 years. It took a great effort to get off that committee. But I'm back! It's probably time. I think I have gotten past my attitude of - "that's not how we do it." I seem to be drawn to youth work - in all levels of the hierarchy. I also serve on regional (quarterly) youth committee. But I was talking to a long-time f/Friend who is on our regional Nominating Committee and we ended up discussing region M&C.
I am being led, I think, to this committee. But more importantly, I have the sense that Friends are gently leading me from my several years of hermitting. I wonder if I have learned my lesson. I don't know what the lesson is...
Balance.
I like to serve.
I love this community.
The time for hermits has passed. Now is the age of activists, of taking what we learned as hermits and bringing it into the world.
My oldest sent me a birthday message thanking me for many things, but she added activist. My activism formed her and made her who she is, she told me.
I've gotten so caught up in financial survival, I don't think I have been a very good activist. I can afford rent, food, utilities - but not a car. That's life in the US. And so rather than sink by trying to support a car - which I see so many in poverty do around here - I go without and rely on others to help me when needed and to find ways to support them in return. So, going without a car builds community.
Still I long for that all-American freedom to just pop in the car and go where I want.
With the upcoming changes, that will probably not be possible. Those of us who have learned to be homebound may adapt a bit easier. Maybe...
One of my roles in life, is it an archetype? - seems to be canary in the coal mine!
So, this will probably be a pensive, pondering day. It's probably because I have been eating a lot of vegetables. It's only been four days, so maybe it's not time for applause and bows, but my diet has been sugar-free and meat-free. My body is adjusting...
Oh gosh, I can't wait to see your pilot...this is so exciting!!
I love you, I hope you feel fantastic, I hope you laugh with abandon.
Clare
It is beautiful here this morning. My youngest's schedule changed and now I have the baby all day Saturday, with Sunday's off. And there are so many things I won't do today...two memorial services, a leak fest, a talk at the Buddhist retreat center. But I will get to work in the garden, and hang out and bond with baby. Life is always good!
A Friend in my meeting had some health problems and impending life changes. She needed to scale back her work at meeting. And so I have assumed her clerkship of RE. Between my two meetings, I served on RE for about 21 years. It took a great effort to get off that committee. But I'm back! It's probably time. I think I have gotten past my attitude of - "that's not how we do it." I seem to be drawn to youth work - in all levels of the hierarchy. I also serve on regional (quarterly) youth committee. But I was talking to a long-time f/Friend who is on our regional Nominating Committee and we ended up discussing region M&C.
I am being led, I think, to this committee. But more importantly, I have the sense that Friends are gently leading me from my several years of hermitting. I wonder if I have learned my lesson. I don't know what the lesson is...
Balance.
I like to serve.
I love this community.
The time for hermits has passed. Now is the age of activists, of taking what we learned as hermits and bringing it into the world.
My oldest sent me a birthday message thanking me for many things, but she added activist. My activism formed her and made her who she is, she told me.
I've gotten so caught up in financial survival, I don't think I have been a very good activist. I can afford rent, food, utilities - but not a car. That's life in the US. And so rather than sink by trying to support a car - which I see so many in poverty do around here - I go without and rely on others to help me when needed and to find ways to support them in return. So, going without a car builds community.
Still I long for that all-American freedom to just pop in the car and go where I want.
With the upcoming changes, that will probably not be possible. Those of us who have learned to be homebound may adapt a bit easier. Maybe...
One of my roles in life, is it an archetype? - seems to be canary in the coal mine!
So, this will probably be a pensive, pondering day. It's probably because I have been eating a lot of vegetables. It's only been four days, so maybe it's not time for applause and bows, but my diet has been sugar-free and meat-free. My body is adjusting...
Oh gosh, I can't wait to see your pilot...this is so exciting!!
I love you, I hope you feel fantastic, I hope you laugh with abandon.
Clare
Friday, May 9, 2014
No do-overs
Yeah, I don't think there are any do-overs or redeals. We have to play the hand we get. Sometimes life seem like a very long game of poker.
I've had lots of full houses, but I never seem to win. Naw, that's not true. I am way ahead of so many people.
Taking on the role of patient - it's hard to avoid. I have also had the experience of being a thing in the room, a condition to treat. They interact, and leave me feeling not very real. And I usually understand quite a lot. But you are really in a unique position. You are one of them, you know exactly what they are doing, thinking, saying. It has to be both good and bad.
How many days will it take to shoot the pilot? How many after that to edit? Will I be able to find it and watch it? This is so cool! I saw the photos of the costumes. They look great. I wondered if you were outfitting our Mayflower ancestors!
I had a long talk with someone involved with BACA - Bikers Against Child Abuse - today. The bikers meet kids who are in the system, they work within the law. They stand guard around the kids, they go with them, they vigil outside their homes until the kids feel safe. I couldn't help but think about all of the victims outside of the system. I felt overwhelmed with grief. The person I was talking to said they didn't used to think about violence or child abuse. Now they see the world with completely different eyes.
I think it's good to see the world with different eyes, but it's so exhausting.
Hope the filming is going well.
Back tomorrow, with love...
Clare
I've had lots of full houses, but I never seem to win. Naw, that's not true. I am way ahead of so many people.
Taking on the role of patient - it's hard to avoid. I have also had the experience of being a thing in the room, a condition to treat. They interact, and leave me feeling not very real. And I usually understand quite a lot. But you are really in a unique position. You are one of them, you know exactly what they are doing, thinking, saying. It has to be both good and bad.
How many days will it take to shoot the pilot? How many after that to edit? Will I be able to find it and watch it? This is so cool! I saw the photos of the costumes. They look great. I wondered if you were outfitting our Mayflower ancestors!
I had a long talk with someone involved with BACA - Bikers Against Child Abuse - today. The bikers meet kids who are in the system, they work within the law. They stand guard around the kids, they go with them, they vigil outside their homes until the kids feel safe. I couldn't help but think about all of the victims outside of the system. I felt overwhelmed with grief. The person I was talking to said they didn't used to think about violence or child abuse. Now they see the world with completely different eyes.
I think it's good to see the world with different eyes, but it's so exhausting.
Hope the filming is going well.
Back tomorrow, with love...
Clare
Thursday, May 8, 2014
not my choice of roles
Clare,
I am finding this whole filming thing to be fun but frustrating. Daughter#2 is handling today and the first half of tomorrow for me- I have clients until 2:30. She is loving it. I ask her if she's OK with all of the stress, she says, "If I wasn't enjoying this I'd have to change my major". True, very true
I am feeling pretty good today. I have achiness in my breast, but ice has been handling it well. I've only resorted to tylenol 3 times- not too bad.
The bruising is minimal at this point, but I'm not letting anyone hug me.
I am staying busy to distract myself.
I found out a lot yesterday…
just listening to them talk around me…
they don't realize how much they say in front of patients.
I found out that the calcifications seen on mammogram have a 50-50 chance of malignancy.
The interesting thing is that the lesion seen on MRI is highly suspicious…
so that's he one they are really concerned about.
Husband said that the radiologist who read the MRI, has read breast MRI exclusively for 10 years and she is fairly convinced it's malignant…
so now I wait for the pathology report…
if it's negative I have a feeling they will try an open biopsy…
to see if they somehow missed it.
No one has said that- but I can see it coming.
So, I feel as if I am taking on a patient's role…
not my favorite place to be.
I started to let my mind play with the possibilities today as I was driving and had to stop myself…
I started to tear up.
I can't jump ahead of where we are actually at…just be here now.
My university responsibilities are finished. That's a huge relief. Grades are submitted and everyone is happy- no one failed.
I had 6 clients today- and they all showed up- what a great day.
Tomorrow I have clients from 10 - 2:30 and then I go to the filming location.
I may not be checking in for a few days…
the schedule is until 11 or 12 every day of shooting.
I will let you know if I hear anything about the report though.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am finding this whole filming thing to be fun but frustrating. Daughter#2 is handling today and the first half of tomorrow for me- I have clients until 2:30. She is loving it. I ask her if she's OK with all of the stress, she says, "If I wasn't enjoying this I'd have to change my major". True, very true
I am feeling pretty good today. I have achiness in my breast, but ice has been handling it well. I've only resorted to tylenol 3 times- not too bad.
The bruising is minimal at this point, but I'm not letting anyone hug me.
I am staying busy to distract myself.
I found out a lot yesterday…
just listening to them talk around me…
they don't realize how much they say in front of patients.
I found out that the calcifications seen on mammogram have a 50-50 chance of malignancy.
The interesting thing is that the lesion seen on MRI is highly suspicious…
so that's he one they are really concerned about.
Husband said that the radiologist who read the MRI, has read breast MRI exclusively for 10 years and she is fairly convinced it's malignant…
so now I wait for the pathology report…
if it's negative I have a feeling they will try an open biopsy…
to see if they somehow missed it.
No one has said that- but I can see it coming.
So, I feel as if I am taking on a patient's role…
not my favorite place to be.
I started to let my mind play with the possibilities today as I was driving and had to stop myself…
I started to tear up.
I can't jump ahead of where we are actually at…just be here now.
My university responsibilities are finished. That's a huge relief. Grades are submitted and everyone is happy- no one failed.
I had 6 clients today- and they all showed up- what a great day.
Tomorrow I have clients from 10 - 2:30 and then I go to the filming location.
I may not be checking in for a few days…
the schedule is until 11 or 12 every day of shooting.
I will let you know if I hear anything about the report though.
Love and Light,
Maggie
There's a net...
You may be on the tightrope, but S#3 and I have the net. We're here if you need us. We may not be able to stop the fall, but we can soften the landing. We're here if your husband or kids need us. I am willing to listen.
How do your breasts feel today? Any pain?
And how is the pilot? It still sounds like great fun.
I can sympathize with your husband. As a partner or as a parent, we all wish we could shoulder the burden and the pain of those we love and protect. It is so damned painful to watch, to be present, and to not be able to do anything. That is the utmost point of vulnerability...well, maybe almost as vulnerable as the person going through the crisis. I can't decide which is worse.
I had a chance to explain the all-American CSA to someone from a different country today. Suddenly, I feel hopeful. I rediscovered that place where I believe in community and local and sustainable. With my garden, I never join a CSA - but one winter my daughter-in-law and I shared one. It was so amazing to get fresh veggies in February
I am between lessons. I had the baby last night - she cried for her mama for about an hour and a half before she slumped into sleep on my shoulder. I couldn't meet you here last night, but I wanted you to know you're on my mind and in my heart.
Love,
Care
How do your breasts feel today? Any pain?
And how is the pilot? It still sounds like great fun.
I can sympathize with your husband. As a partner or as a parent, we all wish we could shoulder the burden and the pain of those we love and protect. It is so damned painful to watch, to be present, and to not be able to do anything. That is the utmost point of vulnerability...well, maybe almost as vulnerable as the person going through the crisis. I can't decide which is worse.
I had a chance to explain the all-American CSA to someone from a different country today. Suddenly, I feel hopeful. I rediscovered that place where I believe in community and local and sustainable. With my garden, I never join a CSA - but one winter my daughter-in-law and I shared one. It was so amazing to get fresh veggies in February
I am between lessons. I had the baby last night - she cried for her mama for about an hour and a half before she slumped into sleep on my shoulder. I couldn't meet you here last night, but I wanted you to know you're on my mind and in my heart.
Love,
Care
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
walking the tightrope
Clare,
I am walking the tight rope…
can't stagger because husband will fall down.
I think he was more upset by today's biopsy than I am.
He was forced to help with positioning the machinery for 2 of them…
and he was so stressed.
I survived all 3 pretty well.
One with ultrasound guidance and 2 with mammography. The novacaine didn't quite make it deep enough, so I could feel the biopsy knife on the last one- very weird sensation. Now I am home, with a bag of frozen corn on by breast…the novacaine is wearing off and I don;t have any tylenol…life is interesting sometimes.
Now I wait a week for the pathology report.
Good thing I have the pilot to distract me.
I am concerned, but calm. I feel as if I can handle the report if it is malignant. I already feel as if it is going to be- just a gut feeling.
I hope that you are well.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am walking the tight rope…
can't stagger because husband will fall down.
I think he was more upset by today's biopsy than I am.
He was forced to help with positioning the machinery for 2 of them…
and he was so stressed.
I survived all 3 pretty well.
One with ultrasound guidance and 2 with mammography. The novacaine didn't quite make it deep enough, so I could feel the biopsy knife on the last one- very weird sensation. Now I am home, with a bag of frozen corn on by breast…the novacaine is wearing off and I don;t have any tylenol…life is interesting sometimes.
Now I wait a week for the pathology report.
Good thing I have the pilot to distract me.
I am concerned, but calm. I feel as if I can handle the report if it is malignant. I already feel as if it is going to be- just a gut feeling.
I hope that you are well.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
older and older???
I was thinking about what my days would be like if I didn't have to work, especially at 5:00 am. I thought I would get up early, go for a long walk, come home, have breakfast...so that is what I did yesterday. Just after 6:30, the dogs and I were out the door for a ramble through the forest. It was a nice start. Then I planted irises and day lilies, then peas and greens and root veggies.
I checked in or saw my kids. Nice dinner, nice afternoon...it was good.
For some reason, this year I am feeling old. I had a long talk with my best friend from college, and she says there's a reason for that. But I feel old all of a sudden. Before now I felt ageless.
My 48th birthday was also hard. I think that was because I had my first babe at 24, and at 48, I had been a mother for half of my life. Seemed significant. Also, seemed exhausting...But now, I feel like I move like an old person...
So as of today, I do not eat sugar and I do not eat meat. The sugar is going to be very hard. I am asking for support from some of the people who are part of my daily life. I am also wondering what will be sweet in my life.
I took a nutrition course, and so I am rethinking my diet, seriously considering nutrient intake. When I was subbing with a group of kids who were 12 - 13 years old a few years ago, we watched Supersize Me, the documentary of the man who ate only McDonalds food for one month. He became ill. There was a story in the doc about a school in Wisconsin for troubled students. The only change at the school was a move toward whole foods from a school garden. Improve nutrition led to a decrease in behavioral problems.
In class we discussed the importance of diet. Afterwards, I had cafeteria duty. I watched what the kids ate. They chose shit. They ate sugary yogurts, potato chips, candy. They ate quickly and left, throwing all of the vegetables in the garbage. Granted, the veggies were primarily canned, but still. I learned a lot that day about learning. Giving the right answer has nothing to do with learning.
So, I just finished a nutrition course, and I plan to actually use what I learned...
Maybe next year I will feel younger.
Somehow, this year seems like a turning point. I have to make a choice. I hope I have the strength to overcome addictions create new habits.
How is the project going? It sounds like such fun. I am a bit jealous!!!
Back to work with me.
I love you, have a fun day,
Clare
I checked in or saw my kids. Nice dinner, nice afternoon...it was good.
For some reason, this year I am feeling old. I had a long talk with my best friend from college, and she says there's a reason for that. But I feel old all of a sudden. Before now I felt ageless.
My 48th birthday was also hard. I think that was because I had my first babe at 24, and at 48, I had been a mother for half of my life. Seemed significant. Also, seemed exhausting...But now, I feel like I move like an old person...
So as of today, I do not eat sugar and I do not eat meat. The sugar is going to be very hard. I am asking for support from some of the people who are part of my daily life. I am also wondering what will be sweet in my life.
I took a nutrition course, and so I am rethinking my diet, seriously considering nutrient intake. When I was subbing with a group of kids who were 12 - 13 years old a few years ago, we watched Supersize Me, the documentary of the man who ate only McDonalds food for one month. He became ill. There was a story in the doc about a school in Wisconsin for troubled students. The only change at the school was a move toward whole foods from a school garden. Improve nutrition led to a decrease in behavioral problems.
In class we discussed the importance of diet. Afterwards, I had cafeteria duty. I watched what the kids ate. They chose shit. They ate sugary yogurts, potato chips, candy. They ate quickly and left, throwing all of the vegetables in the garbage. Granted, the veggies were primarily canned, but still. I learned a lot that day about learning. Giving the right answer has nothing to do with learning.
So, I just finished a nutrition course, and I plan to actually use what I learned...
Maybe next year I will feel younger.
Somehow, this year seems like a turning point. I have to make a choice. I hope I have the strength to overcome addictions create new habits.
How is the project going? It sounds like such fun. I am a bit jealous!!!
Back to work with me.
I love you, have a fun day,
Clare
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Happy Birthday Sister
Happy Birthday Clare!!!
I hope that you have a wonderful birthday, shared with your family and friends.
Remember, when we were kids, birthdays meant you got to choose the dinner menu and TV shows for the evening. Although at least one of mine was forgotten…
until I walked through the door…
probably one of the reasons I don't like to celebrate my birthday.
How are you holding up?
I am in organizing overdrive…
I have one plastic bin for each of the principle actors and am filling them with all of their non-hanging pieces and accessories. That allows me to remain flexible from location to location.
I just hope that everything makes it to my car.
This project has been good for me in many ways…
it is a distraction,
an opportunity to work with an 83 year old friend who is lonely and bored most of the time,
an opportunity to work with daughter#2…she is loving the idea of working this closely with professionals.
an opportunity to create, and a chance to be with friends in a very unusual way…
and we laugh together…a lot.
So, despite the day to day frustrations, I am happy to be part of all of this.
I have my biopsy tomorrow.
The MRI showed 2 suspicious areas, fairly close together, but distinct…
so, first I will have an ultrasound guided biopsy for the lesion picked up only by MRI…
and then a biopsy guided by mammogram to get the area we originally saw.
I am having it done in husband's department…
so everyone there will be acquainted with my boobies by the end of the day.
S#3 asked to come…
but, in reality, I am going to be surrounded by people that I know…
so it will be OK…
and it gives husband an opportunity to support me.
I am not sure how long it will be before the pathology report will be back…
I will let you know when I hear the results.
Holding the Light,
Happy Birthday Sister- I love you.
Maggie
I hope that you have a wonderful birthday, shared with your family and friends.
Remember, when we were kids, birthdays meant you got to choose the dinner menu and TV shows for the evening. Although at least one of mine was forgotten…
until I walked through the door…
probably one of the reasons I don't like to celebrate my birthday.
How are you holding up?
I am in organizing overdrive…
I have one plastic bin for each of the principle actors and am filling them with all of their non-hanging pieces and accessories. That allows me to remain flexible from location to location.
I just hope that everything makes it to my car.
This project has been good for me in many ways…
it is a distraction,
an opportunity to work with an 83 year old friend who is lonely and bored most of the time,
an opportunity to work with daughter#2…she is loving the idea of working this closely with professionals.
an opportunity to create, and a chance to be with friends in a very unusual way…
and we laugh together…a lot.
So, despite the day to day frustrations, I am happy to be part of all of this.
I have my biopsy tomorrow.
The MRI showed 2 suspicious areas, fairly close together, but distinct…
so, first I will have an ultrasound guided biopsy for the lesion picked up only by MRI…
and then a biopsy guided by mammogram to get the area we originally saw.
I am having it done in husband's department…
so everyone there will be acquainted with my boobies by the end of the day.
S#3 asked to come…
but, in reality, I am going to be surrounded by people that I know…
so it will be OK…
and it gives husband an opportunity to support me.
I am not sure how long it will be before the pathology report will be back…
I will let you know when I hear the results.
Holding the Light,
Happy Birthday Sister- I love you.
Maggie
Monday, May 5, 2014
invisible?
You can boil some of the garments with tea bags. That will age, discolor, distress them somewhat. How distressed do you want them? You do have horses...
I am intrigued by the idea of the wrong path. Walking the easy path in the beautiful place is not correct for you at this time. You need to go uphill, through the woods. Luckily, the swamp is always in the lowlands. And when you get above the treeline, you'll be able to see everything.
When I first read your entry, my thought concerned uncovering or working with the echo of the abuse you are storing in your breast. I wondered if that point of damage was going to have to be exposed to the Light.
I am upset at the moment. My neighbor, who has the farm that surrounds me, leased his fields to a local farmer. The farmer is up above me, up on the hillside with some kind of a tanker truck, spraying something. My neighbor took me on a tour of his farm once, and was very proud that his family had kept it clean. No one dumped poison on the land. We also went to look at a desolated field down hill from here - which is still uphill from the lake - which has been covered with sludge every year. He said it was terrible.
But now - what are they putting here? The owner is wealthy, yet I know he's doing this for money. I sometimes think an MBA destroys morality...
I'm shaking inside.
Don't they care that we have a baby?
How can people be so frantic about religious beliefs - invisible - you must have faith...yet dismiss poisons once they soak into the soil and become invisible? The poisons are more present than any God.
I'm sorry...I think I need to go take a shower before I have to become afraid of the water here...
Love to you and yours. Have fun distressing costumes!
Clare
I am intrigued by the idea of the wrong path. Walking the easy path in the beautiful place is not correct for you at this time. You need to go uphill, through the woods. Luckily, the swamp is always in the lowlands. And when you get above the treeline, you'll be able to see everything.
When I first read your entry, my thought concerned uncovering or working with the echo of the abuse you are storing in your breast. I wondered if that point of damage was going to have to be exposed to the Light.
I am upset at the moment. My neighbor, who has the farm that surrounds me, leased his fields to a local farmer. The farmer is up above me, up on the hillside with some kind of a tanker truck, spraying something. My neighbor took me on a tour of his farm once, and was very proud that his family had kept it clean. No one dumped poison on the land. We also went to look at a desolated field down hill from here - which is still uphill from the lake - which has been covered with sludge every year. He said it was terrible.
But now - what are they putting here? The owner is wealthy, yet I know he's doing this for money. I sometimes think an MBA destroys morality...
I'm shaking inside.
Don't they care that we have a baby?
How can people be so frantic about religious beliefs - invisible - you must have faith...yet dismiss poisons once they soak into the soil and become invisible? The poisons are more present than any God.
I'm sorry...I think I need to go take a shower before I have to become afraid of the water here...
Love to you and yours. Have fun distressing costumes!
Clare
the wrong path
Clare,
I am in overdrive at this point…
the filming of this project begins on Thursday and last night the director told me that nothing can be bright white and everything has to be distressed in some way.
I woke up at 2 am scheming different ways to distress material.
I am frustrated, but challenged.
I had an amazing image this morning when I was meditating.
I was walking along a rolling pasture and it was beautiful…
but I heard a voice that told me that I had missed the path…
I was going the wrong way…
when I looked back there was a person pointing to a small side path that led up a steeper hill into the woods…
I am not sure how to backtrack…
but after this week is over I am going to walk back to find that path.
My garden still waits for me…
I need to clear it…
and spread my compost into it…
and then plant…
maybe next week, when this is finished.
I hope so.
The finish line is in sight,
Maggie
I am in overdrive at this point…
the filming of this project begins on Thursday and last night the director told me that nothing can be bright white and everything has to be distressed in some way.
I woke up at 2 am scheming different ways to distress material.
I am frustrated, but challenged.
I had an amazing image this morning when I was meditating.
I was walking along a rolling pasture and it was beautiful…
but I heard a voice that told me that I had missed the path…
I was going the wrong way…
when I looked back there was a person pointing to a small side path that led up a steeper hill into the woods…
I am not sure how to backtrack…
but after this week is over I am going to walk back to find that path.
My garden still waits for me…
I need to clear it…
and spread my compost into it…
and then plant…
maybe next week, when this is finished.
I hope so.
The finish line is in sight,
Maggie
Saturday, May 3, 2014
daffodils
I work in fits and starts, with a baby in the house. And so I work in the garden when I can. My mind is full of garden this year. My wrist works, I can set the baby down - yet she's not too mobile, yet - and so I can get things done when her mama is at work.
First up - well, after planting vegetables, and cleaning and moving the compost, and mowing the lawn, and...is to thin the daffodils. We have so many, and they are so crowded. I'll be moving daffodils everywhere. That is good. They fill my heart.
Did you have to go inside the big bullet-tube thingy? I'll bet you're really impressed with the depth of my technical language skills. I am referring to the MRI.
I had a friend who beat a rare kind of cancer. She named it, and had conversations with it, trying to understand what was happening, why and how she truly felt about it. She is wise, and so I appreciated the work she did.
Have you been thinking about how much you love your breasts? When I have a physical problem, I send love to the organ. It has kept my gall bladder going all of these years. As you know, most women in our family have to have the removed.
I was working with my gall bladder one night, though, and forgive me if I told this story before - but we just let our second anniversary go by unnoticed - Thank you for continuing this journey with me. I love you, sister - and we have a lot of stories. I hope I'm not going to start the old-lady thing of repeating the same stories over and over. But...I was working with my gall bladder one night. I had eaten something I knew I shouldn't, and it was hurting a lot. I started sending it love, focusing a loving stream to the organ and as always, the pain receded.
But then a thought invaded my brain, and took over. My ex always said he loved me, but he continued acting in unloving ways. And here I was doing the exact same thing. If I truly loved my gall bladder and loved myself, I would not eat the foods that cause pain. I would not do anything that causes pain.
Important thing to think about as I am trying to get a grasp on my sugar addiction! And it's hard. Logical wars with emotional. I know ice cream is bad, but I will mindlessly eat it if it's here. I don't even especially like it, I just want it.
I guess I will have to spend more time thinking about whether I love myself and how I love myself. Are words ever enough?????
Wish I could come sing with you.
Have more fun than you can hold, and spill the excess out onto the world, especially the daffodils!
Love you so much...Clare
First up - well, after planting vegetables, and cleaning and moving the compost, and mowing the lawn, and...is to thin the daffodils. We have so many, and they are so crowded. I'll be moving daffodils everywhere. That is good. They fill my heart.
Did you have to go inside the big bullet-tube thingy? I'll bet you're really impressed with the depth of my technical language skills. I am referring to the MRI.
I had a friend who beat a rare kind of cancer. She named it, and had conversations with it, trying to understand what was happening, why and how she truly felt about it. She is wise, and so I appreciated the work she did.
Have you been thinking about how much you love your breasts? When I have a physical problem, I send love to the organ. It has kept my gall bladder going all of these years. As you know, most women in our family have to have the removed.
I was working with my gall bladder one night, though, and forgive me if I told this story before - but we just let our second anniversary go by unnoticed - Thank you for continuing this journey with me. I love you, sister - and we have a lot of stories. I hope I'm not going to start the old-lady thing of repeating the same stories over and over. But...I was working with my gall bladder one night. I had eaten something I knew I shouldn't, and it was hurting a lot. I started sending it love, focusing a loving stream to the organ and as always, the pain receded.
But then a thought invaded my brain, and took over. My ex always said he loved me, but he continued acting in unloving ways. And here I was doing the exact same thing. If I truly loved my gall bladder and loved myself, I would not eat the foods that cause pain. I would not do anything that causes pain.
Important thing to think about as I am trying to get a grasp on my sugar addiction! And it's hard. Logical wars with emotional. I know ice cream is bad, but I will mindlessly eat it if it's here. I don't even especially like it, I just want it.
I guess I will have to spend more time thinking about whether I love myself and how I love myself. Are words ever enough?????
Wish I could come sing with you.
Have more fun than you can hold, and spill the excess out onto the world, especially the daffodils!
Love you so much...Clare
Superman
Clare,
I had the MRI yesterday. It was an interesting experience. I had to lie down on my belly on a table with two openings for my breasts: they hung through. Free and accessible…
My face was cradled in a support and my arms were extended like Superman flying…
and I couldn't move for 45 minutes.
It was surprisingly comfortable…
except my forehead…
it began to feel like a sinus headache because of the pressure on my forehead.
I will probably hear the results on Monday.
The biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday…
then I wait for the results- 5 days.
I should have all of the information before I go to the genetic counselor.
I am doing pretty well…
drowning myself in my costuming project…
feeling a little manic…
but in a creative way…
it's a good feeling.
But I realize I am hiding from the cancer fear.
My Reiki friend has been sending energy…
I can feel this lump tingle…
sometimes it hurts…
and I ask her (in my head) to back off…
but the lump is less palpable…
maybe it's my imagination but it is harder to find and less firm than earlier in the week.
Today I costume the extras for the project.
Tomorrow I lead a workshop at the Quarterly Quaker retreat…Singing the Psalms…I will be singing today and tomorrow…that is good.
My garden is waiting for another week…then I will dive into the dirt….literally.
I love you,
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had the MRI yesterday. It was an interesting experience. I had to lie down on my belly on a table with two openings for my breasts: they hung through. Free and accessible…
My face was cradled in a support and my arms were extended like Superman flying…
and I couldn't move for 45 minutes.
It was surprisingly comfortable…
except my forehead…
it began to feel like a sinus headache because of the pressure on my forehead.
I will probably hear the results on Monday.
The biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday…
then I wait for the results- 5 days.
I should have all of the information before I go to the genetic counselor.
I am doing pretty well…
drowning myself in my costuming project…
feeling a little manic…
but in a creative way…
it's a good feeling.
But I realize I am hiding from the cancer fear.
My Reiki friend has been sending energy…
I can feel this lump tingle…
sometimes it hurts…
and I ask her (in my head) to back off…
but the lump is less palpable…
maybe it's my imagination but it is harder to find and less firm than earlier in the week.
Today I costume the extras for the project.
Tomorrow I lead a workshop at the Quarterly Quaker retreat…Singing the Psalms…I will be singing today and tomorrow…that is good.
My garden is waiting for another week…then I will dive into the dirt….literally.
I love you,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Logical.........
I hope it was a good dream, especially if you're going to hear about it forever!!
My project of the day was to plant three elderberry bushes and then to plant about 60 sprouted potatoes. Now I am inside, settling in with my granddaughter because the baby seems to be coming down with something, and her mama went to a work meeting.
I started writing this a few hours ago, then the babe woke up. She's definitely teething...
This genetic mutation information is all affecting me in an unusual way. I just finished a nutrition course and have been reading about the effects of foods on disease. I have been reading up on the effects of vitamins and minerals and which seem to be necessary to avoid specific diseases. I have been researching which foods are sources of which minerals, and which vitamins.
It's interesting, but totally logical. It's like I'm using logic to distance myself from the emotions involved with a cancer scare.
It's difficult to abruptly change diets, so I'm doing what I can and planting the foods I want to incorporate in my regular diet in my garden. I'm trying to be organic, local - as local as possible, and seasonal. I want to produce as much on my own as possible.
It's mind-consuming.
Do I think Mom was traumatized by her own cancer? Maybe, even though she is an absolute survivor. Do I think she was traumatized by her younger sister's death? Absolutely.
I think I am still traumatized by Mom's breast cancer...
I love you...
Clare
(P.S. - Margaret also said not to worry...)
My project of the day was to plant three elderberry bushes and then to plant about 60 sprouted potatoes. Now I am inside, settling in with my granddaughter because the baby seems to be coming down with something, and her mama went to a work meeting.
I started writing this a few hours ago, then the babe woke up. She's definitely teething...
This genetic mutation information is all affecting me in an unusual way. I just finished a nutrition course and have been reading about the effects of foods on disease. I have been reading up on the effects of vitamins and minerals and which seem to be necessary to avoid specific diseases. I have been researching which foods are sources of which minerals, and which vitamins.
It's interesting, but totally logical. It's like I'm using logic to distance myself from the emotions involved with a cancer scare.
It's difficult to abruptly change diets, so I'm doing what I can and planting the foods I want to incorporate in my regular diet in my garden. I'm trying to be organic, local - as local as possible, and seasonal. I want to produce as much on my own as possible.
It's mind-consuming.
Do I think Mom was traumatized by her own cancer? Maybe, even though she is an absolute survivor. Do I think she was traumatized by her younger sister's death? Absolutely.
I think I am still traumatized by Mom's breast cancer...
I love you...
Clare
(P.S. - Margaret also said not to worry...)
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