ups and downs

Hey Maggie,

How are you feeling now?  Has all of the onslaught of physical and psychological turmoil settled?

I don't know that I am being prideful.  It's kind of like shy people being called snobby or arrogant.  I think I am being frustrated and lost and hurt and even ashamed about the way my life turned out.  And with B#2, I think it is also shame and worthlessness.  Not pride.  And it is that ongoing ache that accompanies abused children throughout our lives forever - no matter how we present ourselves.

I think I needed a good cry.  Because my daughter came in with her daughter, I didn't get one.  I just  got a sniffle. I think we need a good cry now and then. It cleanses us.

Not being able to afford to come is not retreating. It is facing the facts of my life, of decisions I have made, of the spiritual value I spiritually put on myself.  I chose to homeschool rather than develop a career.  I don't regret it. But I wish we lived in a time and place where the work I have done would be valued. Because I have worked all of my life. I enjoyed it, but it was not easy. It was simply not valued.  But the results I got are phenomenal.

A Friend at meeting let us into her life, and said, it has to be reciprocal.  If I need help I have to ask, because others make more money.  But there is something caste-ful about always asking for a scholarship.  We know who we are...in the Region...the adults who need assistance every single time.  It feels like being a failure at adulting, a failure at life.

We are losing a key member in our small meeting. It is changing us. I think we  each see each of us who is there as important. And so tonight I Skyped into a gathering on someone's back porch. One member volunteered to come and get me, but since I have to be up at 5:00, I opted for Skype.  But I worshipped with Friends for a few minutes, and centered down.  They listened to what I had to say, but then, they always do.

I am actually feeling better about myself.  I couldn't sleep last night and started to see way forward.  Who knows if it will work, but I am willing to try. I guess I have not given in yet. I am still having moments of great fun and learning.

So often, emotions are the ocean. We ride the waves, we are overcome by waves...we are up and down. We need to feel each. Feeling near drowned and being able to say, I think I am drowning in pain, I can't take any more is a form of resilience.  I feel.   I feel so bad...but it passes.  If I didn't have moments of despair, I wouldn't recognize joy.

Duality!  Gotta love it!!

Love and hugs from Clare