I choose...

Clare,

We are broken...
that is an opening.
Openings allow growth.
Consider what would happen if snakes did not molt...
or baby birds did not outgrow their shell...
or our babies did not break out of our wombs.

I commented to someone, just a few days ago that this is the longest I have ever lived in one place. 19 years in one house. I feel settled. I am comfortable. I built this home myself...
we built this home through years of joy and pain...
and those experiences continue
I love this area...
it is challenging for me personally and professionally.

I love my Meeting...
even though it challenges me personally.

Growth happens outside the comfort zone.

As for Papa- he had no idea what home and family meant. He, and Mama, both thought a roof and 3 meals was home. I remember once having an emotional discussion with Mama about the abuse- she told me she was so busy keeping us fed that she didn't think to keep us safe...
especially from each other (I added that last part).

As for you- you are part of this big, screwed up family. retreating won't change that. Whether or not you can afford to stay in a hotel isn't a judgement of whether you belong. People have differences in their financial means. I have paid for others' hotels before. I have given rides before. I have never stopped to judge the worthiness of the recipient- I consider it an opportunity for me to be generous and loving in a way that helps another.

Don't let pride get in the way of connection.

I think that's what's going on with B#2- his pride is isolating him. He will die a lonely man if he doesn't step around that and move forward.

I have had a wicked week. I got sick- upper respiratory junk, wheezing, etc.- and we are moving the office. So this week, in addition to the cold/bronchitis, I had a BIG zit on my nose, a cold sore, a sprained ankle, and now my period. My body is crying out for some down time...
but I ignore it.
I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and then had trouble falling asleep...so frustrating.
And the cats and dog want to be fed by 6 am so...
no sleeping in for me.
That is why I am blogging so early in the morning.

On Friday I was overwhelmed through most of the day. I finally voiced my frustration with my boss...
telling her how disappointing it is that we don't have help from our board members for the move. I told her that we should have paid someone to move us if they weren't't willing to step up and help. I feel badly because as I was complaining she was having abdominal cramping- I think she's got diverticulitis- or something- and is ignoring her body as well.
Friday night, after much physical labor and driving, I had 2 glasses of wine with my oldest and husband, I found myself overwhelmed by grief. I had several shouting/cursing conversations with my youngest during the day. He was supposed to help me move 2 desks and a table and chairs onto a truck, and then unload them at the new office. The furniture was an hour away and I had an appointment with a warehouse director on a holiday weekend. My youngest was late- and no where close to home when I had to leave...I was boiling mad. Anyway I was overwhelmed by grief and began to cry- my whole body began to cry...and I had to speak about my youngest taking a young woman to have an abortion. I think that was the realization I needed. I am so angry with him and it was not my choice to make. I am holding on to that. It is my problem. He deals with it in his own way. I had very vivid tornado dreams Friday night. My life is in turmoil and flux right now. But change is growth- even if it hurts- a lot.

I do think that all of our ancestors live on within us. We can embrace that, ignore that, or pick and choose what we attend to...but it is all there for the taking.
We have a long history of pain and abuse- interpersonal violence, disrespect, intolerance.
We have an equal or greater history of resilience and inner strength.
I choose the resilience and strength.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie