dreams

Shame is different than pride. And both can be healthy.  But in the way we are viewing them, neither is healthy.  I think they may be two sides of the same coin...

But I rarely feel proud.

Sometimes I think we live our lives such that to prove the abuser right.  I must have done something to deserve this. I can't think of what it might have been, but here, let me screw up or act out - prove that I deserved the pain and humiliation.

Because if it was a mistake, if I really didn't deserve...can I stay sane?

But that is the truth. We are born innocent.  And the pain inflicted on us right from the start molds us.

If your youngest has a soul contract with this young woman, I hope he honors it.  I hope he finds contentment...and even joy!

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by life. It seems to be steamrolling right at me.  I have had lots of hours at work, thank heavens, and every weekend is full...they have been since mid-April and will continue to be so until the end of this month. Then next month is festival, and my friend is coming to visit for three weeks.

Maybe I should try Lose It.  I need a pop in the butt to get me moving forward!

Meeting you here means a lot to me, too.  I miss you when you are gone for a while...

I have been dreaming about the house in F-burg pretty regularly lately. There seems to be a lot of friends and family there.  There seems to be a festival going on in or around the house.  I am always aware of commotion and activity and almost chaos. And in the middle of the chaos, I am doing something with someone.

One of the dreams also included Papa's grave. I was there with my younger grandson.  There was grass on his grave, but there was a spiral of missing grass.  The grass was moving to where I was. It was a yard, not my grave.

Another night I was sexually involved with a friend's younger brother who is about my age. I met him once many years ago.  In the dream, I was interested, but I really didn't want him to see what was behind a door that was behind where we were. I was really careful to keep the door shut, but it was slipping open.

Makes me think I am becoming aware of something that I have had hidden away...I wonder what it is.  I wonder how it will make an appearance...Dreams about sex are often dreams about accepting a part of ourselves.

Ooooh, just had a thought...what if that is where the Light is working.  I will have to pay attention and see if there is any Light coming from the room. Mostly it seemed to be Mom's old papers...

Love and hugs from Clare